Ron + Hope: Unfiltered - Friends: Choose Wisely

Foreign.

Hello, everybody. It's Ron and Hope. Unfiltered. Ron's holding his cup. He's not drinking.

Drop. Cough drop.

Coughing drop. Okay. We are so glad you're here.

Come up.

Real raw. Relevant it is. And today we're going to talk about how men are colorblind and they cannot wash clothes. They will ruin a load of clothes every single time. Correct.

I saw a meme the other day that said, here comes my wife walking toward me, ready to argue about something that happened 16 years ago.

It's just ammunition.

The last time I couldn't wash clothes was in college. And you are still Ron talking about it. I can wash clothes like anybody.

I will find a black sock in every load no matter what clothes.

It was an accident. If you did, it wasn't intentional. But I can wash clothes. I can separate. I can set everything. I know how to fold clothes. But where this comes from is we were dating. Now, I'm going to be honest with you. I had a lot of responsibilities that I was responsible for when I was growing up. We had 29 trees in our front yard. 29. Counted them. You still remember I had to rake all the leaves. I had to rake the pine needles. I had to clean out the gutters. I had to keep daddy's cars washed. Of course, I had to cut the grass. I drove a school bus. And I had to have my room clean before I left. So did I. I vacuumed. I did a lot of things. Cause we were dual. Work, family. You had came. But for whatever reason, I had never washed clothes in my life. Until you got to college, not one time ever did I wash clothes. I would sit with my mother and maybe help fold them, but I had never washed clothes. One time, and I got to college and I'm like, you know what? I ain't got nothing else to wear. And so I went and washed. You remember hoping you college, you don't have any money, right? Well, that's changed a lot now. Now you go to college and see BMW sitting out there. You know, nobody hardly had a car. And if it did, it didn't run. We just didn't have any. So we would go to the supermarket and then they had a box and it would say detergent in black leather.

So you didn't buy Tide or.

No, it just said detergent, you know, and so we didn't buy like Cheetos brand. We just bought a thing that said cheese puffs. And it just be chips. Yeah, just say chips on it. That's what we would get. So I didn't know. I knew I needed to wash some clothes. My underwear was out. My towels were out.

You just got the cheapest thing you could.

I got the cheapest thing I could. And you did. In the laundromat. I threw it all in there.

You dumped it all.

So this is the way I do it.

And you did this for a year?

It works for me.

What?

For a year, it works for me. I'm a freshman. I'm a freshman.

Okay.

So I hope when I'm a sophomore, she's a freshman. Okay. And of course, she doesn't mention anything during the time she's trying to capture my heart. She loves my wardrobe.

I loved your gray.

But after we started dating, she's already got her hooks in and everything, and the truth starts coming out of what they do and what they do not like. She proceeds to let me know that everything that I wear is gray.

Well, it was. And it was splotchy.

Everything was gray. And I didn't know. I just. I put on a pair of Levi's. I put on a pair of sneakers and a T shirt every day, and I went to class. So she proceeded to take over laundry even while we were dating.

I loved laundry duties because that makes me feel good about myself and about you. And everything's. Yes. It's washed and folded and hung up right now.

Let me tell you something. Do I have any problem working and working hard right now?

No.

Okay. But there's two things. I'm gonna be honest. There's two things that I don't like. I don't like dishes and I don't like washing clothes.

You know why? Because it's a lot of things, and you refuse to separate them even now. I mean, it's so easy. Like white things and gray things here, dark things here. Reds are by themselves.

Why can't you just love me for how I am?

I do. It has nothing to do with my love.

Just love me for how I love.

But anyway, that is not what we're talking about today. No, it's not, actually.

Next, we're talking about how to argue. But we should go on this one right here. No, we're not arguing. I just want everybody to know the context.

Okay.

Making that thing. Men don't know how to wash clothes because we've had some staff people who. We've got a lot of staff getting engaged.

Yeah. And married.

And so they're starting to find out.

So we're working through little things with each other.

But, hey, I'm going to be honest. With you, Hope don't have to ask me to do work. I go in, I see stuff needs to be done, I start doing it. But I don't like to do dishes.

Thank you for that. Thank you.

I don't like to do dishes. And she don't fuss. And I don't like to do clothes. When she gets through, I'll fold them with her, but I just don't like to wash clothes. But hopefully I do enough other things where she really don't mind.

Baby, you're wonderful.

And you know what? You got certain ways you like doing clothes anyway, and I don't fold them good.

You're wonderful. You are perfect.

I am perfect.

You are special.

I don't like.

You are kind.

I don't like clothes. I don't like dishes.

It's all right.

But anyway, you just keep preaching.

How about that?

I've been doing it a while.

Okay.

Can I eat another cough drop?

Yes.

Today, what are we talking about?

Now that we're going to talk about our circle, our friends, how to choose them wisely, what does God say about them? We're going to talk about the boundaries in them, how to choose them. You know, who brings out the best, who brings out the worst. What does God say? So Proverbs 12:16 says this. A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. So, you know, it just aggravates me so bad, especially since all we've been through in our 55 years. People say, oh, well, I'm just. I'm just shining my light on my friends who are just wayward and partiers. And, oh, I'm just going out with them. I'm going to be a light. Well, the Bible says, but the way of wicked leads you astray. What fellowship hath light with darkness?

Narrow is the gate, Broad is the way that leads to destruction. If you have gotten saved and you're running with people that have broad boundaries, that's not going to unsave you. But the Bible says it's a path that leads to destruction.

Yes.

You can't have broad boundaries, Run with people that have broad boundaries and stay on the path of blessing. It is impossible to do. I think we need to divide some things up. Friends, people that I work with and things that are. And I'm going to use this buzzword in this now, 2023. I really see the word toxic used a lot. And a lot of people think a toxic relationship is anybody that disagrees with me.

Ooh, now that's.

That's something fair. You know, I see a lot of young people put on there. It's toxic. Well, it was just toxic. Well, no, she didn't believe like you believed or confronted. You are toxic. There are stuff that's toxic and abusive. But just because somebody does not want to run the way I run does not mean that that is a toxic person or toxic relationship.

We're just not going the same direction.

So I'd like to say this. First of all, working with anybody can have. I'm in ministry. I'm not in tech. I'm not in corporate. I'm in ministry. Okay? Everybody can have my ministry. This is something we've talked about. Everybody can have my gift. Right, but there is a difference between your gift and you. And people get that messed up. There are people that have been watching me on TV since 2003 and they see me at the airport and. Oh, and I love these people. And if it's you, please come up and speak to me. I don't mind, but they'll come running up to me. I just love you. I just.

No, you don't.

No, you don't.

You love my gift.

You don't know me, okay? Hope's sitting there talking about how I don't know how to separate clothes.

That's the real world. That's Ron.

Yes, that's Ron. You know, my gift. And here's another problem. You expect me to be in my gift when you met me at the.

Airport, but you're aggravated at the airport.

And then a lot. Yeah. Because I had three cancellations or two.

Delays and food usually.

And so we've got people. You don't know me. And the thing is, we got. Boy, if I could just meet. If I could just meet, man, I would love to meet. The fact is, if you met some of these people that you esteem so highly because they function at some high capacity, you would probably be disappointed when you met them. Okay? You appreciate the way that athlete plays ball. They have a gift. That is a high level, elite gift. Man, if I could just meet them, man, if I could just. They are not what they are playing basketball, okay? Man, she's so beautiful, man. She's so beautiful. Yeah, but she goes through men like a hot knife through butter. So in other words, beauty. It must not be about beauty because she can't hold on to nobody, you know? So I want to let people know first off out of the gate that there are people that I can work with that are not necessarily my friends.

Right. Those are associates.

Right? You have Associates, you have partnerships. Partnerships are good. When people bring something to the table that you don't, they can make powerful partnerships. But because you don't know character, because you don't know anything else, you still need lawyers, you still need contracts. And the people that I would work with are not necessarily the people I want to go out and eat with or go on a trip to the mountains with. They're people that what I bring to the table is beneficial to you and what you bring to the table is beneficial to me. And we have formed a partnership to an ultimate end. But outside of that, I have not deemed you as somebody worthy of friendship.

So let's go back to like high school days, college days.

That's all about popularity.

So who those types of people that you gravitated to? Well, let's say this before Jesus, before Jesus and after Jesus. So the people that you gravitated to before Jesus, do they look the same as the people after Jesus?

I'm going to say something. I'm not saying it because they might be watching. I have some pretty solid friends in high school. You've met most of them. Most, if not all, those guys are churchgoing, saved guys, maybe even spirit filled guys to this day. And so if I saw them, I would still have some commonalities with those guys. But no, when I got saved, the first thing I had to do, and I don't know if I've told that story here.

No, I don't think you have tell it.

It might be interesting to the podcasters. One of the hardest things I've ever done relationally. I had a group of guys, I was raised in a small town and much like Hope, you know, Hope said the same people she went to kindergarten with, she graduated with. And mine wasn't quite like that. Her town was actually probably a third of the size of mine. But it was, you know, most of these people, we had grown up together our whole life and I had some pretty tight guys and we did everything together. Everything together. Each other's families, on vacations, we played baseball, we played softball, basketball, football. We was in the huddle together. We was at practice together, we did everything together. But at that time, none of them, to my knowledge, walked with the Lord. And I had gotten saved and I had submitted after I'd gotten saved to what I knew would be a call to ministry, which is a higher. There's just a lifestyle that comes with it.

You just had to carve some things out of your life to really dedicate.

I'm trying to not Be overly spiritual on these podcasts, but the Bible says, live the life worthy of the calling you've received. When I knew I had received a calling into full time ministry, there is a life that that calling demands that could not be lived in that previous context.

You had to make some clean breaks.

I called them. Yeah, we were still in contact. They would still come on weekends and see me. And I go still see them. But after that I had them meet me actually at the food court in a mall. And it was at that time, I remember it hurt me because number one, I told them I'd gotten saved. Well, after I told them that there was some level of respect because they knew my daddy and they knew I was raised in the preacher's house. So they didn't really do it. And then I told them, and subsequently I was going to give up my basketball scholarship. I was changing my major to the pastoral divinity major and I was going into the ministry. That's when they started mocking me. They busted out laughing. They started mocking me. They thought that was a joke. And that was a devastating meeting. And basically I left saying, I won't be seeing you guys anymore. And I remember walking away from that. And I'm going to tell you something else. A lot of people want to make sure that if they give up a relationship, they got something waiting on them. I gave that up without any other.

Yeah. Not knowing what.

There was a lonely period. Yeah, there was a lonely. I can almost feel the emotion of it. There was a time where that was a long ride home. I bet that was a long ride home because.

And you didn't have me at the time.

No, I didn't. You were, you were. You were not in school, had those other ugly girls. Ain't no way I'm going there. Not even on raw relevant.

But before we go forward, we have to talk about our sponsor real quick. You can finish your story. Yeah, we gotta, we gotta stop.

You gonna stop me in the middle of a story?

I am. We'll save that.

We'll do it for these guys. We'll do it for these guys.

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Please, please, please let them know you're there because you heard it from us. I forgot where that you went. Anyway. I was going home.

Yes, you said it was a long ride home.

I didn't know you. It was a long ride home and I remember trying. I hope this interests somebody. I got a feeling that somebody out there may be in this situation. How awkward I felt in circles of Christian friends.

It was so new. It was so different.

Well, you gotta understand. You say, well, pastor. Your daddy was a pastor. Yeah.

You were brought up in church.

I was a church boy. But I did not want that.

You didn't hang out, do church things on the weekends.

When my daddy said Amen, I was in my car playing my heavy metal music wide open and gone. And I'm sad to say that because my dad had so much more he could offer me. Had I had had a thirst for it, but I didn't. And I missed that wish I could do it over. But the fact is I didn't want to really any part of that. I wasn't a God hater.

Right.

But I didn't want that life, man. I just did not want my daddy's life.

You were just doing the normal teenage thing.

Yeah. I just didn't want my daddy's life. And I don't know how else to say it. And so I remember, okay, I need to get around Christians. This is my mindset. I need to get around some people who ain't in this craziness and their conversation. I didn't have nothing to offer the things that they wanted to go do. I remember like.

Like what?

You know, Friday night, baby, after the ball game, we'd grab a pizza and we had a place called the Land. I don't know, some people back there might still know about. We'd go to. We'd put the tailgate down on our.

Truck and you'd drink beer, sit on.

Drink beer and play loud music and build bonfires. I mean, we weren't tearing up the world or nothing. But that's. That's the kind of stuff we did. And I remember when I got around these Christian friends, they would go to a chapel and sit around in circles and they would like, worship on Friday night.

Or you'd go to go bowling as.

A group and go bowling as a group.

No beer was included, of course.

And they're talking about. They're talking about Jesus. And then I remember I would sit with them at church and all of their hands were in the air and hope I'd. I don't know that I'd ever raised my hands in my life.

Wow.

Maybe I did when I was a child.

So it felt fake to you? It felt soaked.

I felt like I was not genuine. I felt like the whole thing was not genuine. And that's where I came into that verse, and I've preached it several times. Put on the Lord Jesus Christ. You know what, that word, it felt like a put on. It really did. It did not feel like a genuine, authentic me. But I was learning how to put on worship. I was learning how to put on healthy conversation. I was learning how to be around a good girl.

Yeah, it's like you were dropped in a whole new community. You were dropped in a whole new.

That I was not prepared for nor ready for. And I had nothing to offer. But I told you the reason I think I made it is because they didn't judge me. They knew I didn't belong there either, but they didn't throw me out.

That's so good.

And they were patient with me and they were gracious. I got about four or five names that I could just call right now that I knew, you know, I had some issues. And I was kind of rough around the edges and my language was kind of coarse and, you know, long hair, bodybuilder, cut off shirts. And that just wasn't the way they rolled. I stuck out like a sore thumb. But they showed me the love of Jesus. And what they showed me was much more powerful than what they told me. And later what was a put on at first became natural. Because what happens, the Bible says you become a partaker. Look, a partaker of the divine nature. I'm partaking. I'm partaking. And then what happens is as you continue to partake full.

Yeah. It becomes you.

And so the Culture of my life began to change. So what I look for in people begin to change. Let's get back. Because we've talked a long time. I've talked a long time. Let's get back. A friend.

Yeah.

I'm just going to throw this out there. You don't have many of them.

I don't think I have a handful.

That ain't many to be 55 years old and random. Many people as we're around you got to have. What are the characteristics they must possess.

To be Hope's friend now as a Christian, dedicated Christian.

The healed version.

The healed version. They have to have the same values that I have. They have to love their husband. They have to be for marriage. They have to be for family. They have to pursue growing, pursue growth. Want a growth mindset. Want a success mindset. Not lazy. I love ambitious people. I love to be around people who want to grow and want to stretch and want to learn. Somebody who's fun, who enjoys what we enjoy. Like mindedness.

You like to laugh.

Yeah, we like to laugh.

They have to be able to laugh. You are drawn to somebody that can make you laugh. And I'm talking about in a good.

Way or laugh with me.

Yeah, yeah.

Just like minded people. I like a faithful person, an honest person.

Can a married person have as a best friend a single.

You can, but it's not gonna lead anywhere good.

I don't think so.

I just don't think it's a good idea for married people to hang out with single people. You know me married, me go out with a single woman. What she wants and what I want are two different things. She's going to dress different. She's gonna try to present herself as single women.

I hear. I got. We've had marriage complaints come to us. And the guy goes out with five single guys.

Right. Like he's single.

Yeah. And it ends up drunk, ends up in a bar. It just goes. And I'm talking about bad people, I'm talking about a good man. And ends up in a circle where it's just going. You're very seldom going to pull them your way.

Yeah, yeah. Well, the scripture I just read.

Yeah. It's like the Bible says a dog returns to it vomit. When you get back with the pack of dogs, you return to what you return to. So I agree with you. One of the things when you say share our characteristics. I don't run with a lot of single guys. I can be their acquaintance.

Right. You can be their mentor.

Yeah. Golf with them. But to run with Them is not something that I want to do. Because what you say the season they're in and the season I am so different.

Absolutely.

And I'm not in a season where I'm trying to, you know, I want a girl to catch my eye. Well, they can't help but be in that season.

Right.

And so I don't need to be in that. Number one.

No, you don't. She don't either, because she might die.

Number two, the values. Number three, can they see Ron and still believe I'm a man of God? Mm.

That's hard for us in ministry.

That might be one of my biggest ones.

That's hard because we want to come down enough.

You've got to. You've got to.

To have friends. But yet then Sunday, you're going to get in the pulpit. Can they receive friends?

I don't think people know how tight we have to live.

Yeah.

Just. We live in a world of opinion.

We do.

Even more so than a celebrity. We live in a world of opinion of what a Christian is, what a Christian leader is, and how they should act, how they should conduct, what they should wear, what they should not. You know, should they be wealthy, should they be poor, should they be blessed, should they be not. We have many opinions. So we live in a world of opinions. And that is pressure. And so me and you, when we get away with somebody, we're looking to a pressure vow, you know, not in sin. But we've got to be able to in some way come down. You got to be able to throw on a pair of shorts and a pair of flip flops and a T shirt. Not put on your makeup, not be in ministry.

Mad.

Exactly right. And I can't have somebody in there want me to prophesy and let me run this dream I had by you. I don't want to do. I don't want to do dreams. I don't want to do prophecies. I don't want to do visions. I don't want to do that. I want to sit by the pool.

You said, I don't want to do dreams.

You know what I'm talking about. And there are people that want me to stay in gift mode. Probably is not going to be a great friend of mine. But can you see me beside the pool when I got my hat turned around backwards and I'm sweaty and I'm just a normal person. And then see me get in the pulpit and still believe God can use me? That is hard for me to navigate. That's why our circles are so small because navigating through that, I was just talking to Jonathan, our Spanish pastor, who's just inherited something after about 30 years of ministry. He's inherited. He's in his 20s. And I talked about. Moses was complaining to God about Israel. And God said, you need to go on before the people. Which mix. Which meant he was amongst the people.

Hanging out, okay, carrying on.

He had become their buddy. So because he had become their buddy, he was kissing babies, hugging neck, shaking hands. There is a season where you have to do that, but you can't live there. It's a season. Now they don't. Now they got wars, they got a red sea, they've been chased. Now they need a man of God. It's hard for one person to let them be amongst them and in front of them. So he said, moses, you got to shift. You got to get out in front of them. A lot of times, if you have had church people especially, and you've been their friend, but the time has come for you to shift and now say, I've got to be a man of God. It is hard for somebody to let you be their buddy and their man of God. And that is again, where our world is different than most people's world. So I have to make a decision. Do they need another friend or do they need a man of God? And since there are so few men of God out there, I choose to be the man of God. And because of that, I've lost a lot of friends. So my circle consists of. My circle consists of, can you see me when I'm not in my gift and still honor my gift when I'm operating in it?

And two, I think friendships ebb and flow. I mean, you know, everybody that we started out with, we're not with today. And that's okay. I think that is okay. It doesn't make them bad, doesn't make us good, doesn't make us bad, doesn't make them good.

And why is it when the season of a friendship is over, why is it we got to go into character assassination?

Yeah.

In other words, we've got to somehow give everybody a reason. Well, it's usually no longer exist.

Well, it usually ends. They usually end because of somebody got mad, something happened. And the Bible says that an offended person, that's why you gossip, and that's why you gossip. That's a root of gossiping, is that you're offended. So you start gossiping, trying to make them look bad, to make you look good. So it usually doesn't end well, but, you know, as a Christian, as the body of Christ, that is unacceptable. Because Matthew 18 tells us how we're supposed to operate with a fence. And we're going to have a fence.

Most people don't know how to gracefully exit a relationship.

No.

And we don't have to. You don't have to exit a relationship in a train wreck fashion.

No.

Now let me tell you what I try to do now with somebody that I really feel like could possibly be a friend. I try to set expectations up front. I really do. When I can tell, man, I like this dude, I like this guy. I could hang around with this guy. When I start sensing that and it seems like it's being reciprocated, what I will do is this is what kind of guy I am. If you want Ron to text you every day to be your friend, wrong guy. Wrong guy. But I'm gonna tell you something. And I love these people, my friends. I can go six months. I don't mean not see them. I can go six months and not talk to them. And the next time we see each other, I can step in the green room before the conference. Ain't seen them or spoke to them in six months. And we pick right up where we left off. Because if I have to constantly sustain communication for the relationship to exist, we won't be friends long.

No.

Because that's just not my strength.

No. I have a friend, Shelly, that I have had for 35 years. That's a long time. 35 years. And her husband Scott is your friend. Yes. And they would probably be our very best friends over the long haul of our life. And our relationship with them has ebbed and flown. There have been seasons where, years, couple of years, we wouldn't see each other, and then there's seasons where we see each other. Yeah, two and three times a year. But she knows me intimately. I know her intimately. The Holy Spirit speaks to her when to pray for me. She'll text me what's going on. I feel it in my spirit.

I mean, all the ways we're different. We're very alike right there.

Yes.

We're very alike. Because that's, that's the kind of person that can be my friend and I can be their friend. And I'm going to tell you something. I'm a good friend.

Yeah.

I'm. I may not have spoken to you in six months, but if you need me, there's nothing of mine that you can't have. And there's nothing that I won't do. And, but you know, if I have to, if I got to do maintenance, right.

But you know, when you really love somebody, you want to spend time with them. I mean, I desire, I look for days in my calendar like when can I see Shelly? When can we meet somewhere? Ron, we need to meet somebody in Florida. Ron, I want to see them. Let's meet in Texas, you know, because you love them. I love you. I want to spend time with you. I love my kids. I want to spend time with my kids. I love my friends. I want to carve out time to spend with my friends. This scripture right here, Proverbs 17:9, says, One who forgives and affront fosters friendship. I was talking about the ebbs and flows and how to work through problems. And that's why people cannot work. That's why this friendship is not sustainable because they refuse to work through the problems. One who forgives fosters friendship. But one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend that's so strong.

I think we can in on this. Hang with me. This may be the strongest point we've made up to this point. A real friend, a real friend can they love where you are and love where you're going.

Because we change.

We change, we do. To say that things aren't going to change is not realistic. So age changes. You am a wild eyed new Christian dorm room and I meet Scott. Scott is a church boy. I mean he stood in that door with his holiness family and they all stood there and opened the door and I had hair down my back, shirt cut off, playing heavy metal music, sitting on my bed, eating a whopper. And I could tell how horrified his mother and father were at leaving their son off of me because they had worked so hard to incubate him and keep him right. And there I sat like the guy's gonna corrupt him. And we became amazing, amazing friends in college. He went on to App State and another state to college. We finished out in Emanuel College in Georgia. They left one place, we went another. He went to be a school teacher then. Now he's an executive with a national company traveling all over America and probably parts of the world.

They adopted two girls, took up a lot of their time.

They were there when helped us start our little ministry, you know, 10 people. And now they've seen what we do today, you know, coast to coast and this and that and other. And they still love us. When you can love me from a dorm room till now to having five grandkids, to being man, man, you're friends. Yeah, you're friends.

Yeah. Was it perfect?

I've sat there and laughed with him, and we both sat at a table and wept.

Yeah. We've had to confront things. We've had disagreements, but that's the thing. We worked through it. It was important enough to be willing. You know what? If you X everybody out of your life who you don't agree with and.

You X, you'll be alone.

Everybody out of your life who doesn't agree with you or they get on your nerves and they tick you off, you'll never, ever have friendships in your life. Friendships take work, but they're worth it. You have to have a friend. You got to show yourself friendly. To be forgiven. You got to forgive.

And I think the late Tony Miller, maybe not so much you as he did me, helped me learn how to make that a priority because I was a pretty driven guy, and I just didn't give a lot of attention to developing a relationship with anybody. I just thought the world was lost and I had to save it. And I'm a builder by nature, and I just go, go, go, go, go, go. And my family was kind of all I needed. If I could come home. And you were there and my babies were there. I was fine until I hit a wall and life took a downward turn. And remember that day I told you.

You had nobody to call?

I went through my whole phone.

Yeah.

And I didn't have anybody in my phone. Listen to this. I had nobody in my life that I didn't lead.

Nobody like this.

I was their leader.

Yeah.

Everything was. I didn't have this. And about that time was when he came into my life and he says, ron, you've got to prioritize, you know, relationships, because there'll come a day you're not all this anymore.

Yeah.

And will there be any more?

The work or the ministry or your job stops. Who are you going to go out to eat with? Who are you going to enjoy life with?

And that shook me. And I credit him because I kind of did back up and say, you know what? I could use a friend. And I try to be now a cultivator of relationships more than at any other time. We got to let these folk go.

Such a good. Such a good podcast today.

Started on Closed.

I don't know how we went, but we're ending with. You are my best friend.

No doubt about that. That's a whole nother topic.

It is. All right, guys, it's Ron and Hope Unfiltered. We love you so much. Real raw, relevant.

See you guys later. Take care.