Ron + Hope: Unfiltered - How to Love the Unloveable

Foreign.

Hello, everybody. This is Ron and Hope. Ron, Ron and Hope.

Do the three R's.

No, you forgot unfiltered. Ron and Hope. Unfiltered. Real, raw and relevant. Yay. You did it. He's getting better and better and better. Emma. I'm not a meanie today.

You're not a meanie?

Aren't you happy?

I don't have to explain that. They don't know what that is. How many meanie days you get a month? You get several meanie days.

I don't know how many. I'm allowed. I'll take as many as I can.

I'll get up and look at her and say, okay, is this meanie day?

No. You look at me and say, are you gonna be a meanie today?

I think you got that text today, didn't you? I texted her. I said, are you a meanie? You said, no, I'm nice today. So it's just the way our relationship works. She just gets free meanie days where she just gets to be a meanie.

I think it's. I think it's the pass we all get as women.

Okay.

Yeah. Especially, like, at least, like, five days a month, you know, Y' all all know what that means. So, you know, we're hormonal. We have some issues y' all don't have. So, you know, if you don't get.

Permission to be a jerk day or be ugly.

Nope, never.

But. But women get many days in this.

And you need to understand it.

Just a fact.

The Bible says that you are to dwell with me according to knowledge. That's what the Bible says. You got to. You got to get it. You got to understand.

You have to dwell with me down a whole different road right now, according to knowledge.

But it doesn't say that I have to dwell with you according to knowledge.

That was a bad mistake, because there's nothing to know. Yeah, there's something to know.

You know, it's really just two things.

Simple.

And it's food. You need some food. Lots of it. And you need sex.

Not really.

Lots of it.

It's not like that.

So that's really the only two things you need to know about me.

I told you, the number per week is only 13.

You need help. All the men listening need help. Anyway, I'm not a meanie today. Lots of personality. I'm happy.

Personality. You do look happy.

Yeah, I'm very happy about today.

Let's go ahead and grab our audience with our topic. What are we talking about today?

We are talking about how to love the unlovables.

Thank you for in your life, by the way.

Yes. How to love the unlovable.

Oh, grab my water and drunk out of it. And she backwashes. I don't like drink after.

I do not.

She can be a meanie, and she backwashes.

Okay, this is where I turn. This is how I can get mean when he's turning. Starts this mess right here. Starts this mess.

So now you have your water. I have my water. Sound like Chaz, don't I?

Right?

Yep.

Okay. I'll remember that when I order French fries and you don't because you act like you. Oh, okay. When you acting like, oh, I don't eat that. But then you're like, can I have. Can I have some of your French fries?

I don't even know what fries taste like anymore.

Ryan, you are telling a lie. A whole lie right here on Ron and Hope. Unfiltered, real, raw.

There's quarter ones and whole lies.

A whole lie right here. You do eat French fries. And you sneak at night into the pantry and act like you don't eat chips, but I hear them crumbling.

I do not eat. Those are mice. Those are mice. Little crumbles everywhere I come anymore. Like, we got mice.

I'm like, ron Carpenter has been in the chips again.

Mice.

Anyway, how to love the unlovables. Because we all have the unlovables in our life, right?

It's hard to stretch out a whole podcast just on this, because I even wonder when you told me to top it.

Oh, wow. Because you're so good. You're so easy to love the unlovables.

Just some things. There's some things you can't get a lot of revelation is you just either do it or you don't.

Right.

Like working out. I mean, you either going to or you ain't. It's like eating right. You're either going to or you ain't. I can tell you. I can give you information. You read books.

You still gonna go in those chairs?

Yeah. You either gonna do it or you're not. And it's kind of like loving people. I think it's a choice you make. I've always thought love is a decision.

It is.

I don't think love is a feeling I don't think you fall into. I think it's a decision you make. I was attracted to you. Highly attracted to you. I thought you were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. But I chose to love you.

But we're talking about.

I know.

The unlovable the people who are the butts in our lives, the people who are mean in our life, the people who we want to choke in the middle.

I think a lot of people who's watching say, yeah, I live with that person. Yeah, that person. I want to just choke out. I'm actually sharing a house.

Well, let's talk about it. How do you do it?

How do you do that? First thing I'll talk about. I think we need to define love.

Okay.

Let me just, let me walk you through something right here. Because when I hear and see today's pop culture, you know, was that Netflix series, Love is Blind. And when I see them sticking people in marriage boot camp, when I hear especially how young adults today see relationships and how they manage relationships and sling around love, I'm like, oh, my gosh, it makes me want to scream at the moment. You think it's something you feel and you know it's not. I'm, I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore. And I hear all these things. The fact is, the biblical definition of love, love is patient. Love is kind. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not boast. It is not easily angered. It is not self seeking. It keeps no record of wrongs. It always hopes, always believes, always protects. This is the definition of love. I can feel people right now going.

Ugh, that's a lot of work.

Yeah, that's what. No, no. I like this thing that I feel. Feelings are involved in love. Love is not, never has been, and will never be a feeling ever. In fact, people who say they've lost feelings for somebody, I tell them, stay in love till the feelings come back. Feelings come and go.

Keep doing what love says to do until the feelings come back.

I can say something to her and make her jump across this table and want to kiss me. I can say something else to her and change her and make her fighting mad. Because feelings come and go. They by nature are fleeting. Love is always best when it's accompanied with passion. But you don't always feel passionate. People are depleted, people are tired. People are hormonal. People going, women are going through a cycle. Men are stressed at work.

Why'd you point at me? And you said people are hormonal.

I said women are poor.

No, you said people are hormonal.

Women are hormonal. So you got all these different dynamics that are not going to make you feel what you felt the first time you kiss somebody every time. Now, I know we got other relationships, but I'm starting a Marriage, you're not going to feel that. So I've chosen, even though I don't feel that, to be patient, to be kind, not be rude.

So that goes 100% against the grain of your right.

I think we have taken love and we've turned it upside down, and we define it by the very thing that it was never to be defined.

So we react on what we feel versus acting on what we know.

So you get up what God's word says, and you look beside you and go, ooh, okay, well, you used to.

Not be that bad.

I'm not in love no more.

I used to not be with xyz. Yeah.

And I'm not in love. The fact is, love is a set of qualities that have nothing whatsoever to do with feelings. So when you start having feelings for someone, then you have to go to the second level and say, can you choose to love them? Loving has a lot to do with compatibility. And I tell people in the marriage conference, I say the first thing that draws us is the law of attraction. And people make a decision on marriage out of that. But you got to move past the law of attraction to the law of compatibility. There might be a lot of people you're attracted to, but you couldn't live with them, you couldn't make a life with them because you're not compatible as people, as personalities, as skill sets. You're just not compatible.

And we change. You know, the longer you're with people, our bodies fluctuate, our looks change. Skin starts sagging, boobs start sagging, but gets whatever. I mean, we. All our looks change. And so there has to be more than just what's on the surface.

Tell them. Tell them how I. Every time we go to restaurant, I hand you cheesecake and I. And I do it. Tell them what I say when I do it. Because you were so skinny when I met you, weren't you? Was you skinny?

Was.

He was about six foot tall and 110 pounds.

Okay. Evangelist Ron. I was five eight.

Five eight?

Yes.

You weren't two inches taller than my dad.

Ron, your Daddy wasn't really 5 7.

Okay.

Anyway, so I was this height, whatever you want to call it. The doctors say that it's five eight. Ron says I'm six foot tall and I was 117 pounds when we met. Clearly, I am not 117 pounds now. So what?

You're 19 and a half.

I hate you.

You right at 120. That's why my back's hurting right now.

You jumped on my back.

You Jumped on my back and my knees buckled.

Your knees would buckle if I jumped on your back.

And now you sent me to the doctor when you jumped on my back.

I really do have to love you to put up with your jokes about my weight. You are mean.

Tell them what I do when I feed you cake, though.

When you feed me cake, you don't feed me cake. We get to a restaurant, Listen, before we even order, he'll go. He'll look at the woman. He'll go, do you have any cake? I mean, before we've ordered a salad. And she's like, yeah, we have cake.

And he goes, bring her that first.

She loves cake. Look at her. Bring her that. Bring. She loves cake. I mean, seriously.

Then what I say, I say build it.

That's what he says, baby, build it.

Say build it, baby. Build it.

Anyway.

Anyway, how did we get on that? That's what makes me lovable. We're trying to talk about unlovable.

It makes you lovable.

We need to talk about unlovable.

That's what does it.

So let's talk about some things that make people unlovable. We talked about it in our podcast with Darius, and I want to revisit it. Success.

Why success changes a lot of people.

Why does success. I love you, but now that you're successful, you've become unlovable to me. Why?

Well, because I believe that success changes a lot of people. They become prideful, arrogant. They think they're better than other people. And so they may put off this air, but. But on the other hand, the person viewing the successful person can feel insecure. We talked about that in our podcast. We. Our emotions and how we view people and how we love people, we can only give what we have. So if we are broken ourself, if we're insecure, we're not going to view that success as healthy. We're going to be jealous.

I've told Darius in our podcast, those of you who hadn't watched it, it's a great. When you need to grab it. Very insightful, Very insightful, because he's a brilliant guy. But I said, me and hope, as I look back over our life, I don't have data. I mean, I hadn't gone on a board and marked it off, but just off the top of my head, have probably lost more friends from the blessing of God than maybe anything else in our life. Just the fact that people love you, but they. When they tell you they love you, they don't love you for who you're going to become. They love you for what they know about you up to that point. And this is the way I look at it. I don't throw that word around.

Yeah.

Now, I love everybody. I care for everybody's soul. I want to do right by everybody. I want to be kind. But I'm talking about love. When I come into a relationship where I say I love you, that's serious. That's serious. And I have to. I have to understand that to really love you. I don't just love who you are. I love who you're going to become.

Got to go the distance.

I love who you're going to be. God did not love me according to past knowledge. He loved me according to foreknowledge.

Yeah.

So God loved me before my. When my past was still in the future.

Yeah. He loved all when he said, I love you when I died because I love you.

The mistakes you're gonna make. The mistakes you're gonna make are still in front of you. The sins you're going to commit are still in front of you. The flaws in your character are still in front of you. And I've chosen on this side to love.

Right. So we've got to say I love you, knowing there's going to be hurt.

Knowing it's going to change, knowing there's.

Going to be ups, knowing there's going to be downs, there's heels, there's valleys, there's good days, there's bad days. I love you. And I'm going to stay committed in my love for you, not my feelings. Because you're gonna tick me off. You're gonna make me mad. You're gonna hurt my feelings. No, you don't. But I have to stay consistent in my love. Because God's unconditional love is, I love you for who you are, not what you do. And see, that's how we base our love. We say I love you because you've been. You've been so good to me. You're the best friend I've ever had. You know, you give me great gifts. I love you based on what you do. That is not God's love. God's love is, I love you just for who you are, not what you do. One of the greatest things we've ever done in our married life is have good credit. We had to build our credit. So I need to ask you, is that piece of plastic in your wallet doing enough for you? I have good news for you today. The Secure Chime Credit Builder, Visa credit card. That's a lot to say secured Chime Credit Builder Visa credit card can start building your credit every day with purchases and on time payments you see with you see with credit builder members can increase their credit history with no annual fees. No annual fees or interest. What? No interest. That is major. That is huge. How many of you got credit cards that's got 24 interest. This has no interest. And having a good credit score can mean getting better car loans, car rates, renting apartments easier just bragging rights around the dinner table that hey my credit score is like 750 versus your 540.

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That's amazing. That's amazing. So back to talking about how to love the unlovables. The unlovables. Have you ever had some people in your life that's hard to love?

Oh gosh, yeah. We've had people in our lives hard to love.

Yeah.

There's times we just want to strangle our kids and there's times we sit there and say what in the world's going on with our friends today? And. And then even in our just mean people. Yeah. Even in our world, you know the church world. There are times when relationships change and get weird and you don't know what's going on. And it's, you know, and sometimes people view you as becoming unlovable or view you the fact that you've changed.

But what does the Bible say? What does the Bible say?

You know, I believe love takes work.

It does.

It takes navigation and it takes communication. First, let me give an. Let me get Prince. I'm given a lot of principles that play into loving, unlovable people. Your life last year exploded. Your life changed. Your life has changed A lot. Has in the last 12 to 24 months. A lot. And what do we constantly have to do? We have to come back and navigate through it. Because I have a high demand on my life, and you're having a higher demand on your life. And I was always used to, when I come out of my great demand, you are always available and we could go do whatever. And now the fact is, you probably been traveling more than me. And so what do we do? We have to sit down. We have to get on the couch. We have to understand life is changing. Don't be quiet and get offended, but openly talk about it. Why Darius said it again. To have proactive conversations. Proactive conversations. To say, I care about you, I care about this relationship, but my life is changing. I remember Chase loved being an only child. He loved it because he adored the attention. And he got it all from grandparents and everybody, because when he came along, he was the first. But then after that, I remember as he began to grow up, I had to help Chaz. I had to help Chase understand that now he has two siblings. And just because you don't get the same amount of attention don't mean you get the same amount of love. Things changed in our house. Things change as you grow. Things change as you get older. Seasons change. And real love is able to talk and navigate through these seasons and embrace who you are in every season.

What about if you don't love people? Wait, let me just. Let me explain. What about if these aren't people who you have a relationship with and you don't love them? You know, you don't have any history, you don't have any commitment. They're just mean people in your life. Mean people at work, mean people at the mall. I don't think people at the bank.

I don't believe people. God has not called me. God has not called me to entangle my life with toxic people. God's not called me. God's called me to love you, to care about your soul. God has called me to want the best for you, to believe in you, to pray for you. And as much as it's up to me be at peace with you, to do right by you. Those are the things that are my responsibility. But at no time did God say I'm to be yoked with people that are absolutely rough, character, mean, negative, all these things where every time you get around them, it is a drag. Every time you get around them, you Feel empty. Every time you get around them, you're depleted by. Because of that attitude. I believe that is relational. Health is understanding. When I run up on these people, I am supposed and I am. It is a demand from the word of God that I give them the love of God. Okay, I love you and I care about you. Even though I may despise the circumstances and be repelled by your personality.

It's the only stipulation that the word of God says that the world will know that you are who you say you are, but you love one is that you love. It's how you treat people. It's the only way. If somebody's ugly to you and you turn around and give kindness, that's how they know that you really got what you said you got at the altar.

And you saw my kindness. The Bible says a kind word turns away anger.

Yes.

Here again, I can't control your anger, but I can control my kindness.

But I respond.

But I can control my kindness.

I got to respond the way that the word says for me to respond.

But if I know you're a person that I have done right by the word of God and I've been aligned and I've been obedient, and you are literally just toxic to my life. Nowhere does God say I have to be tied to you. I tell people there's people that I'm around and there's people that I run with. The people that I run with have to add to me. I have to love people that diminish me, but I don't have to run with people that diminish me. And here again, it comes with the definition of relationship. Who goes in what category? Because there's not one kind of relationship. It's not a pot of soup that everybody falls into. There are associates, there are acquaintances, there are friends, there are covenant relationships. All these are in the Bible. And all of them demand something different from me.

Yeah. What about the wife who's listening, who says, my husband is just so ugly, he's so mean. What does the Bible say about her spirit, her sanctification, her. Her role in winning him?

The Bible says that her sanctification and her modest demeanor will win him. Said it will turn him over. I believe with people like that. And they're not abuse, but just, you know, you just being. You're in. You're in a relationship with a person that is just not pleasant.

Yeah.

If. If we can keep it at not pleasant and not get too abusive. That's a different category.

Abusive. It's Boy by.

Yeah, Alicia, I love you, but I love you from Chicago.

Yeah.

You know, so. But I'm talking about just unpleasant. And there's a lot of unpleasant people. When you're with someone unpleasant, I believe there is a demonstration they're unpleasant for a reason. And one thing that has helped me. You say, how do you love unlovable people? Probably the most important thing I could say in this podcast is I try to realize they didn't just wake up one day. Me. Yeah. Something took them there. They have evolved into that type of person. And if you can hang in there, okay, you can get to the root. The unpleasantness is fruit.

Yeah.

The abusive language, all that's fruit. That's the ignoring you, the devouring you, the negative words spoken to you.

Anger.

Yeah. All those things are fruit. You got to get back to, what is the tree this stuff is growing on?

Why is it there?

And usually, and I mean, we did that in our counseling. We crawled back into some things. And what I learned about you and counseling, I'm like, oh, okay. Well, that's why whenever I say this, she always acts like this. Okay, well, that's why when we get in this situation, she always shuts down. All I knew was you shut down. And over here, you can be ugly sometimes. Okay. But now let's look at it. Let's look at it. I'm being serious. We went back in that counseling, and then I'm like, oh, okay. And I've always told people, understanding brings grace.

It does.

Understanding brings grace. There were some things about me that were unpleasant characteristics that you didn't like living with. And then you sat there like I did, and we walked back through some of my stuff, and there were times I could look over there at you who were sitting across from me. I could see the light come on. You're like, oh, okay, well, this makes sense now. This makes sense. So loving the unlovable people, you've got to be committed to finding out why and trying to help the why.

You know, Jesus loved us when we were unlovable.

While we were yet sinners.

Yeah, he died.

He loved us.

And everything he does, he is our example.

There's nothing God hates more than sin. And while we were yet sinners, he died. Christ died for us. Yeah.

He loved us in our ugly state. He's been patient with us. He's been kind to us. He never rejects us. And that is how we are supposed to treat. Treat people. Do we get it right all the time? Absolutely not. But that should be our goal.

I Tell people the cross goes two ways. Jesus died on the cross. His body was vertical and his body was horizontal. Because the Bible says he is our peace. He has broken down every wall of division. Ephesians, chapter two. So he's talking about relationally, what is the wedge? Jesus is the peace that removes the wedge and connects us. So I knew when all the racial tension started, I reached out to a lot of my black brothers, a lot of my African American friends and associates. I purposely reached out. Why? Because I understood there is a peace that ties me and my brother together. And we're not going to let anything in this world break that apart. And it's Jesus. Jesus is our common ground. Even when we may differ in so many other areas, we may think differently, believe differently, but the fact is, you love Jesus and I love Jesus, and I choose to remain with you. Just over that alone. Yeah, just over that one characteristic.

And you don't have to agree on everything.

No. And that's a misnomer to be nice. That's a misnomer in our generation that love and agreement are the same thing. I can vehemently disagree with you and love you.

Yeah.

Vehemently disagree.

And even vehemently disagree with you.

And be nice, be nice about it. Yeah. We don't have to be ugly and get weird and not speak and unfollow and block and all that stuff. That's just flesh. I'll be honest with you. That's carnality. That's carnal. The Bible says that a person who walks in the spirit, it's life and it's peace. The word peace in the New Testament is Iranian. It means. Right. Relationships.

That is so good.

So let's get real spiritual a minute before. In the last few minutes, we got. It is hard to love the unlovable if you don't walk in the spirit. The Bible says, let the love of God be shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost is the dispenser of love. He's the thing in us. Like scattering the sin. Yeah. I'm Pentecostal. I'm Holy Ghost.

He didn't say Holy Spirit.

Holy Ghost. Holy Ghost. And I remember a boy at youth camp I was with, I was praying for. I was a counselor, and I asked him, I said, you want to be filled with the Holy Ghost? He looked up, started crying. He said, I don't want no ghosts. I don't want no ghosts. I don't want no ghosts. What does that have to do with loving?

Because you said holy Ghost.

The Bible says that the Holy Ghost.

Hey, shake.

The one that sheds the love of God abroad in our heart. It is imperative that Ron Carpenter walk in the spirit. Why? Not just to preach, not just to be ready in season the right relationship to love my brother and to love my sister. Now, I'm going to tell you one last thing. That's not Bible, but I'm grateful for my dad. You remember my dad. My dad. If there's somebody that don't like my dad, I don't know about it.

Yeah, something's bad wrong. You didn't like your daddy.

Yeah. I don't know that I've ever known anybody to navigate 62 years of life with no enemies. And if he has enemies, they're quiet. He was the sweetest man, the sweetest, kindest man. But I will tell you, they hope they drove in me. Now tell people when my dad would get on something, he would take it like a pylon and just keep hammering it and hammering it till it was so deep in my soul. But he hammered in me to do right by people. To do right by people. In as much. How do you love unlovable people? In as much as it's up to you. Live at peace with all men. You control what you can control and you love despite what you can't. That's really it in a nutshell.

So good. Really. It's not about, you know, we think to be a good Christian. It is how much you tithe, how much you go to church, your church attendance. Did y' all have those attendance pins we did at. Mine was so long, my pins were like, down to here because, you know, we weren't allowed not to to miss church. You had to go if you were sick.

Preacher's kid. I didn't get a pen.

Yeah, so we got, you know, for attendance. So we think to be a good Christian, it's how much you tithe, how many Sundays you go to church. You, you know, you give to the poor deeds all the good things to be in a good Christian. And the Bible does not say that at all. Says the world will know that you are a Christian by your love. God help us, right? God help us. Love like Jesus.

I got. I got another one. Let me throw in there two minutes. I gotta throw it in there. While we were yet sinners, he died for us. And he came to seek and save that which was lost. And it's not the well who need a physician, but to seek so many demonstrations of his love. But then he said, as I have Loved you. You love one another. That is a high bar.

Yeah, it is.

Because God should have dropped Ron Carpenter a long time ago, but he never did. And now God is telling me, as I have loved you, love one another.

So I can't be a meaning.

I think that just negated meaning days. Negated meaning days. So, anyway, we love you guys. This is not an easy topic. It's probably not even an exciting topic. We maybe tried to get you to laugh here or there, bring some commentary.

But we all have unlovable people in.

Our life because it's tough relationships. Most of the time they're in family. I will tell you this. Jesus. Jesus caught the most heck from family. And Jesus, there was only one place he could do no miracles, and it was his hometown. So people were so familiar with him, and there's so many different angles to this that 100 podcasts couldn't talk about all of it. But the fact is, it's a decision you make.

So if you're just tuning in to us, this is the first time you found Ron and Hope unfiltered. We've got lots of avenues you can connect with us. We both have Instagram, we both have Facebook, Tick tock, TikTok, all those fun things. Also, I have a book. It's called the Most Beautiful Disaster. You can buy it anywhere that books are sold. He has a book. What's that?

I have a book, but Hope, don't talk about it no more.

It's called the Necessity of an Enemy. Exactly what we're talking about today. The necessity of an enemy. Our enemies.

Jesus.

You interrupted me.

Listen, Jesus, but I love you anyway. Judas was going to betray him and sat down and had dinner with him anyway. Sat down and had dinner with him, knowing the whole time he's going to leave that dinner and go give him up for 30 pieces of silver.

But why? Because he knew that that betrayal was a part of his destiny. It was a part of his destiny. Our enemies are there to what? To promote us.

Promoters.

Our enemies promote us. They become our footstool. They. They put us up into a different level.

Comfort you. Your family humbles you, but your enemies promote you.

Yeah. So the necessity of an enemy, the most beautiful disaster. You can get them anywhere. Books are sold. I believe they'll bless your life. Yeah.

Come on and get on. Our church, or virtual community, stretches all over the world. If you don't have a church home, come have church with us. Man, those people in there are great.

And if there are any topics that you'd like to hear us talk about on our podcast, go to unfilteredon hope.com unfiltered@ronandhope.com Send us your questions, send us your topics. And until next time, it's Ron and Hope Unfiltered. Real, raw, relevant.