Ron + Hope: Unfiltered: What Makes A Man

Foreign.

Hello, everybody. It's Ron and Hope. Unfiltered, real, raw, relevant. Ronaldo, what you doing over there?

I'm self conscious.

Why?

Because.

Oh, my God.

Our secretaries told me one time I looked fat.

Secretaries.

Number one secretary told me I look fat.

Personal assistant.

When I scrunch over in a chair like this with power, it makes me chunky. Yep, Makes me look chunky.

Well, that's why you should wear big things like this.

Can't I sweat too much? I'd be too hot. I can't do it. So I have to wear stuff like I got on now. Anyway. Is this gonna be an exciting one?

What are you doing?

Is this gonna be an exciting one?

They're always exciting. I love our podcast.

Tell them what you want to talk about. This was yours. She chose this.

He said, what do you want to talk about? I said, let's talk about. Let's go back and talk about the series you used to preach back in the day called what Makes a Man? You know why? Because I went back and looked at your most popular youtubes and there were so many of those episodes what Makes a Man? That were in, like, your top 20.

That's a long time ago.

But they're so good. You know why I think and why I wanted to talk about it is because I do not believe there are any men or women, but because of this topic. What makes a man? Men out there listening, saying, I just want to be a sucky man. I just really want to suck at my job as head.

So you're not going after the masculine man versus the feminine man. You're going after the things that define greatness in a man.

Yes. Yes. I think all men want to be great. I just don't think.

No, I don't think any man wakes up and says, I want to be a failure. I want to be a failing father. I want to fail at a husband.

Yeah. I think a lot of them just have not had a model. They literally have not had. So many people are raised by single moms. We don't have men in the home. They haven't had a model. And then they don't know biblically their role. I think they really only believe you're supposed to just submit to me. But they don't understand. They're supposed to do all the dying things.

There's a certain kind of man you submit to their character. It ain't just.

Not just because you're man.

It's just females submit to males.

Right? Right.

There is a kind of man to which it is easy for the woman's heart to posture herself in a submissive role to his leadership. It's easy to follow. And I'm going to be honest with you. Don't have to comment here. I'm not fishing for one. I endeavor to be that kind of person.

And you are.

I endeavor. I don't want you to ever struggle to follow me. If you struggle to follow me, I'm doing something wrong. I want you to. I want you to voice your opinion, which is always valued. I want you to tell me what you think and then I'll love what you always tell me. But whatever you do, I'm going to support you.

Yeah.

And that's kind of the way, you know, number one, we usually want the same thing.

We do.

But if we ever have something where we have to sit down and talk about it, that's usually what you do. Ron. This is how I feel. And you know, you can voice that very strongly. And then when I take all that in consideration and then I try to chart a course taking all that into consideration. But you supported me and my decisions when I've made great ones and you supported me when I made dumb ones.

What are some dumb ones?

You probably knew.

Let's talk about dumb ones.

I can't talk about them because a lot of them involve people.

What about what, hiring and firing?

Yeah, I can't do that. You would always let me know what you thought. Sometimes I do.

It's strange though. Usually 9 out of 10 was right about people because that's a woman thing. We got that gut intuition, the leading of the Holy Spirit. We got good pickers we can pick.

You had insight into our children that I think mothers naturally have, that fathers struggle to have. We want law and order in our house. I sometimes look at what they do, sometimes year more of why they do it. And so I've learned to appreciate that over the years and take a deeper look before I just make an action. Those are the type of things I'm talking about. But I'm going to tell you, I don't know exactly all the things I preached in that what makes a man serious. I don't know all the dynamics. But I know over the years what I think I've learned and what I think I've experienced that make a defining characteristic of a man that every woman would love to follow. We've had a lot of changing trends in American culture. Hope. I mean, I think the feminist movement, which gets bashed. I think a lot of it really derived out of men that didn't take their role.

Yeah. Out of need.

And so I think a lot of the feminist movement has been destructive toward biblical roles. Now, I'm not talking about not having empowered woman. I always stick to my guns. Jesus is the greatest liberator of women that has ever lived. But I'm talking about, I think been destructive to biblical roles. But I do see why. There are many people that felt the need for it as men abandoned their roles. It demanded for stronger women.

Yeah, well, that's. They went to war. That was right after the war went to war. So women had to work.

So there's a lot of cultural shifts and changes. So there may be some things I'm about to say that you and I, my generation would totally take for granted. And this they like. I ain't never heard that.

Wait a minute.

Yeah, thank you, God. Yeah, I've never heard that.

Thank you, God. The AC just turned off. I'm freezing to death over here. I am a chunk of ice. So I'm just grateful right now, listeners.

You know what I did? I went before you and made that call.

Did you?

I knew you were cold.

Crooked places strange.

I knew you were cold. So anyway, let me talk my number one. That's going to always be what makes a man. The Bible says wives. It really doesn't say obey as in obedience. It says respect. There was a song that we talked about in a wedding the other day, the Beatles. All you need is love. That's not true. All a woman needs is love. A man needs love and respect.

That's right.

And if a man does not feel respective, he doesn't have the capacity to even receive the love when he feels disrespect. That is so true. A man needs to feel that he is respected. When you. I'm going to talk until you stop me.

I know you are.

Yeah, I'm going to talk because I'm passionate. Even though I don't do a man's thing, I'm passionate.

You warn me though, while you talk.

No, it's cold.

I know.

Hands are cold. One thing that makes a man is you let your wife put cold feet on you in the middle of the night and don't complain. So mine is character. Hope, husband, love your wives. If Christ loved the church, love her as you love yourself. Okay? I've always said that dude is easy to respect. It's not a blind statement, ladies, where we say females respect all males, it's talking about wives and husbands. There's specificity there. They're being very specific. In what they're talking about. Wives. Respect your husband's husband. Love your wives as Christ loved the church.

And how did Christ love the church?

We can't even. We still can't. There's no sermon that can wrap its mind away the way Christ loves the church. No. We've been singing songs about it, preaching Easter sermons about it.

I can never understand it.

And God is commanding me to love you in a way that is indescribable. I'm supposed to love you with that kind of love, chase you like that, feel for you like that, have concern. Be mindful. You told me one time. You didn't tell me you were talking so much. You said, ron is very mindful. And I think all those things play into what the household man should be. I'm a manly man. I don't believe everybody has to be a guy that goes out with an axe and chops down a tree to be a man. But I am a manly man. I'm a very masculine man. And I do know that. Everybody may not fit that stereotype, but I want them to know the vantage point that I'm speaking from. Some of it will be my culture, most of it. I'm going to try to be biblical. A man that's easy for a wife to respect and follow in a house is character, hope. Everything moves at the speed of trust.

That's true.

Everything. We've got some issues within that we've been addressing lately because there's distrust between people. And when there's distrust between people, everything bogs down.

Everybody goes to their corner.

Exactly right. Everything bobs down. So when there's distrust, expense goes up and efficiency goes down.

That's right.

So we know we had 911. So nobody no longer trusts people getting on airlines. So what happens? Tickets get more expensive and it takes three hours now to get on a plane. So expenses go up, efficiency goes down. It's the same in a home, it's the same in a marriage. It's the same in a relationship. If I don't trust you, everything we do is going to move slowly because you're always under suspicion.

That's right.

It is terrible to have to live with a man and. Or woman. It is. But we're talking about men here. A man that you don't trust that you're always suspicious. Is that receipt really that receipt?

Yes.

Is he. Is he really working out? Yeah. Is he really working late? Is he. That is torment. And what's in that background? Yeah. So character, you say, Ron, you talking about Character or trust? You trust people with character. Character is, I do what I believe, I say what I do, I do what I say, I believe what I do.

Everything is consistent.

That's what integrity means. Integrity means integrated. So it means my spirit, my soul, my body, my words, my actions, my beliefs, they're integrated, all one. So I don't tell you one thing and walk down the hall and you wonder. I wonder what he's really thinking. Yeah, that's when somebody's not integrated.

When I went through counseling years ago, I remember Dr. Debbie using a term called congruent. She was like, you've lived your life for the most part of your whole life not being congruent. Because on the inside you're feeling something, but on the outside you're smiling, but you're crying on the inside. That's not congruent. She said, and that causes anxiety and it causes depression because you can never feel like you're real. You always feel like you're a fake. And so that she said, when you can get to a point of being congruent, when you're upset, you don't have to hide it. You can go to your husband and say, I'm upset. And he's got to let you be upset. She said, that is being congruent.

That's healthy. Love lets you be upset. Love lets you be tired. Love lets you not have your best day. What's our big joke? Are you a meanie today?

We've already told them that's our big.

Joke about being a meanie, you know, but we do it in a laughing, funny way. I realize that sometime you're overworked, you need space, blah, blah. And I say, are you going to be a meanie? And I can get a laugh out of you. No, I'm not going to be a meanie. But what I'm getting at is when we get like that, we can be chippy, we can be short, this, that and the other. And it don't mean you don't love Ron no more. It means I need to love you.

And understand everything's integrated and congruent.

I understand that. So character to me is just. Character is not me on a soapbox telling everybody to have it. Character is not that. You get everything right. Character. The Bible says David was a man after God's own heart. Why he failed miserably. He's done things. God have mercy on me. I hope I never do right. But he was quick to repent.

Yeah.

So character is also being aware you are wrong, owning it and going and say, I need to tell you something. I missed it and I'm sorry. That's character as well. So character is not always getting it right, but character is making it right. When you get it wrong, that's good. And so these are the things where your beliefs, your actions and your words are one and the same. And when I walk away from a conversation, nobody is second guessing me because Ron Carpenter does what he says he's going to do. That's what I want people to think. Ron Carpenter, if he said that, that's what he really believes. He don't spout off at the mouth. That's. You call it congruent, I call it being integrated. Same thing. But that all adds up to character. They say basically your actions define your character. I agree with that. But actions are behind beliefs and behind feelings. Why do people act out. They act out of what they believe and they act out of what they feel. So if my feelings are integrated, my thoughts are integrated, my actions will always be right.

Yeah. So bottom line with character is it goes based on issue of a heart.

Absolutely.

Because our heart, the issues of our heart, what they're all around us. It's the issues of our life.

Most of us, out of the heart flow the issues of life.

So it's a heart issue. So really, until our heart is dealt with, man or woman, and it's brought, you know, to the cross and every issue, you're honest with God, you're honest about your issues, God starts working on that, then it starts coming out on the outside.

I think another thing, I could stay on character, the whole podcast. I think another thing is accountability.

For men. What makes a man, Especially men.

What makes a man. A man by nature is prone to rebellion by our fleshly father, Adam.

Yeah. Yeah.

The first sin of Adam was rebellion. It wasn't cheating, it was rebellion. Rebellion against right. That is man's unsanctified, unregenerated nature. He is rebellious. And so even in our saved, regenerated state, there has got to. Guys, listen to me. I'm supposed to be talking to Hope and I'm supposed to be listening, but I'm going to talk to you. There has got to be some level of accountability in your life. I know Promise Keepers back in the 90s tried to develop these prom. I've never, you know, if a guy's being tempted to watch porn, he's not going to call a guy. He made it. Promise Keepers. I respect so much everything that did. They fill stadiums up with men. I've never done that. But I'm just like, you know me, if I'm going down a road that I'm ashamed of, don't want nobody to know. I don't know that I'm going to call somebody and tell them. So there's got to be that one person. To me, it is you.

Yeah.

That's. To me, that's the highest level of accountability. When a man comes in and says, I submit this to you. I submit my phone to you. You've never grabbed my phone and I gasped.

Right.

Ever. And I don't want to ever feel that feeling because I don't want to ever to be anything that I've gone through or seen that I don't want you to know about.

Right.

So that I won't.

And if there's something. If you gasp and if you take it and you don't let your wife see your passcode, you are hiding something.

Let me tell you. We have. People come to us all the time. They have never been allowed to look at their husband's phone. They've never been allowed to. That is their norm. And I'm like, you would never make it at our house. Hope picks up my phone all the.

Time, and you pick up mine.

I pick up Hope's phone all the time. We got a little Sonos thing, music. If I can't find my phone, I'll pick up your phone. That's just the way we do. But most of the private life and most of the dirty deeds that we want hid are hidden now electronically.

Right.

Most of the sins that we. That we sustain, whether it's an affair, whether it's emotionally connected, whether it's pornography, whether it's. Whether it's spending, whether something that we will say. It's all done electronically now. So the highest levels of accountability is there's nothing that your partner can't know, and there's nothing that your partner can't see.

There should never be in a marriage. Anything that's hidden, I don't believe.

I think secrets are plutonium.

Yeah.

I just. I don't know that I've ever witnessed or heard of a good secret. No, I don't think.

Other than what I'm buying you for Christmas.

But those aren't even good because I always find it.

Oh, my gosh.

You know, I always do, and I never try. They just come to me.

Oh, really?

They just come to me.

Okay.

Because the Lord don't want me not knowing.

Ron, you hunt.

I really don't.

Yes, you do.

I just need something.

I don't normally need in my closet or in my. Okay, go ahead, baby. You got accountability, Accountability, accountability.

So if you're not married, I don't know, a brother, a friend, a family member. But you got to understand, you got to be self aware enough to know these are my weaknesses and these are my deficiencies. And you've got to have somebody that can call you on that. I had spiritual fathers in my life.

Let me stop you right there. But I can hear some men right now listening to this saying, but I'm a grown man. I can have my phone private if I want.

My phone. You never grow out of rebellion. Rebellion is not a maturity. Rebellion is a nature that has to be crucified. It has to be conquered every day I get up. Rebellion is not like your parents said, bail them at five and you come home at six. That's not what I'm talking about.

Right.

Rebellion is. There is a flesh nature that when it's activated in man, it re.

Yeah.

What's right, it just rebels against. Right. When you're not. When you're. The Bible's full of who has bewitched you or they have been blinded by the God. So a lot of times when you're doing it, you don't see it.

Yeah.

And that's why accountability is so powerful. If you don't have anybody to be accountable, then you got to take measures yourself. The Bible says make no provision for the flesh. That was the way I initially got off pornography. Now you got to still put lines of separation between you and it because men are very prone to being visual and the porn industry knows that. So they got every kind of thing out there to try to draw you into it. But when that was a part of my life as a teenager, I got saved. I got married and I became a preacher. I did not want to have an under the carpet sin. I did not want to have something that I was hiding from you at 2 o' clock in the morning that I had to go do and hope you didn't find out.

Right.

I don't want to live like that. And so what I did, as you remember, one of my biggest things, and when I say this with men, they get quiet because they like man. I can't believe he went to those lengths. But I was so serious about wanting to be free.

But see, I think that's key. You wanted to be free. There are men listening to this who, who are going to rebel because they don't want. They want to continue doing what they're doing. You know what but that's not making a godly man.

Let's talk about it. We're right here with pornography, and it's such a huge issue, especially with men. Let's just talk about it. I hated the way I felt because I am a flesh and I am a spirit. I'm a spirit, a soul and a body. But let's talk about flesh and spirit. When a man that is born again, and I was struggling because it was such a part of my teenage years, it so satisfies the flesh. And simultaneously, your spirit is grieving, grieving, grieving, and those two things are happening simultaneously. It's that I loved the way I felt, and I hated the way I felt. And the more I grew in my love for God, the way the feeling that I hated became stronger than the feeling I loved. I hated it. I hated that wedge between me and God. I hated feeling like there was anything in my life that. That's why David said, after adultery, a sexual sin. Cast me not away from your presence. Take not your holy spirit. He said, I can't live like that. I can't live if there's something in between me and you. And every time I would engage in that as a young man, I would feel that.

And I think it's a trick of the enemy, too, when, especially in sexual sins and porn, that it makes your flesh feel so good, but it intimidates you, and the condemnation you feel drives you away from the very thing.

Well, the prodigal.

It drives you from the very thing that's going to take you out of that.

I'm not worthy to be in the house. I'm not worthy to be a son. Just let me come. So it's a spiral. And I know that feeling. I know that man. I can't even look at.

Yeah, I don't even. I shouldn't even go into.

I can't even look at God.

I'll wait till that's over.

Yep. I'll go church late today, because when I can't take that, and it's an awful feeling, and I want you to know I've experienced that. I've experienced that. But here's what I did. I brought hope into my battle.

Yeah, he did talk about accountability.

I didn't hide it. Now, let me tell you something, ladies. And I think there's more of you watching than men. We got to get the men watching.

Give this to your husband.

If you. If he ever comes to you and you shame him and your draw drops. And I can't believe my husband would he has told you the last time. Yeah, she didn't shame me. Was she happy about it? No, she didn't shame me. When I told her, I said, these things have been a part of my life. I don't want them to be a part of our marriage. I don't want them to be something ongoing. I don't want to let it grow privately behind your back. And so what I did is she was my accountability. But then when I was away because I traveled and preached and back then they would have the pay per view. Is that what they called it?

I don't remember.

They had the little pay per view things on the cable boxes in there. So when I would travel and I was by myself because I didn't have money for 10 armor bearers and security and all, I mean, I was just by myself, I would call the hotel that I was going to and tell them, take the TV out of my room. We didn't have phones. And I would tell them, I'd say, take the TV out. And I would get this response. Mr. Carpenter, that's an odd request. You know, that's, we don't take the TV out or I'm going to the other one down the road. Well, okay. Yes, sir. And so I know this is embarrassing, but that's probably two or three years where I did that. Why I'm starving it.

Yeah. Making no provision.

Because I can go preach the most anointed sermon. And then you close the door, click. Nobody knows. And you're all by yourself and there's that cable box. And so what did I do? I don't want to fight that. I don't want to fight that. Get it out of the room. And I've told that. And like, pastor, I'm so disappointed. I thought you'd be stronger than that and I thought you were more knowing. Well, my thing is, I don't want to find out because I don't want to put myself in that position to where it's at my fingertips. That's why these things are so dangerous. If you don't let, you're not accountable to somebody else.

Kids especially, and teenagers.

I got one more. Because I try to keep these around a half hour, and we're approaching that, but this is big because you know how big I am on my love language being words of affirmation. So whenever you compliment me, I remember them a long time. Those are like most men who write a note and the woman keeps them for 40 years. I can remember when you compliment me. Okay, I think I overheard You. No, no. This was a conversation you had with me. This one you had with me. We was on one of those.

You act like it's so rare.

No, no. But I remember you're always. I like that shirt. I mean, you're that kind. But I'm talking. When you really say something about me as a person, that stands out. They're etched. And we were one of them nights. I don't know, Hope, you know, we was outside sitting at a fire pit, something. And I'm a romantic, so I'm like, tell me what you love about me the most. Kind of halfway playing, but kind of halfway curious as to what you'd say. And I will never forget this. You look back and you said, I'll tell you exactly what I love about you. And you said, you always, Ron Carpenter, have a plan.

You do, and I love it.

I'm amazed at how many people wake up every day with no plan. They just exist without a vision. Now, listen, a woman has been called to be a helpmate.

This is so good.

You're frustrating her purpose because you don't have a plan to help.

We can't help you build if you don't know where you're going.

I told Hope before she married me, I am going to build a church.

Yeah. And it's going to be like this, doom, doom, doom.

She has helped me since the day we said, well, raising money. Before that, we were dating. She's helped me. I'm going to expand to the West Coast. I'm going to help you. I'm going to write a book. I'm going to help you. Whatever it was. I always had a house I wanted to build. I always had a church I wanted to build. I always had a ministry I wanted to start. I always had an endeavor, and you always came alongside of it. And when I do that, it's something about that it fulfills your purpose because you have been purposed and natured to help.

Right.

I don't think I've ever laid the full burden of it on you, but you're always there helping me do it. That's why I tell people I said, these people who don't share income and don't share checking accounts and don't share, and I got my own this and they got their own that. I'm like, that ain't the way me and Hope live.

No.

We do everything together. Everything.

Man, if your family's floundering, they've got to have you. You have got to have a vision.

Let me go to scripture In First Timothy, a man who does not provide for his household is worse than an infidel. Let me break that down in these last three minutes. The word infidel means a man ruled by the senses. Okay? See, hear, taste, touch, smell.

Yeah.

He who does not provide for his household. The root word is vide, which comes from the word vision. Let me break it down. He who does not have a vision beyond what he can taste, see, hear, touch, or smell is worse than. Is worse than an infidel.

So good.

If you can't see a life for your family above the table you're sitting at and the bills that are on it, so good, then Paul, in the book of Timothy is calling that man out. So one of the greatest things I can provide for my family is, stay with me. We're going somewhere.

We're going somewhere.

Stay with me, we're going somewhere.

We're going to get better.

Don't look at where we are. This is not the end of the book. This is not the end of the chapter. And our family has had some times where we have been kicked in the face. Yes. But I would get my family back around. This is not the end of my life.

That is not the wife's job to say, guys, we're going to get bigger. We're going to get better. I want our family to do this, and I want our family to. That is your job, man. That is your job, man.

And that is where feminism arises. When that's vacated, somebody's got to do it. Somebody's got to do it. And so we have. Now where you have. We're trying to masculinize men and masculinized women and feminized men because we don't have enough manly men. I'm talking about robust. I'm talking about men operating in these types of thoughts that I'm talking about. So I would say, you know, number one, character. Because I want you all to trust me.

Yes.

I don't want to ever walk out of the room. My kids. Ah, man, I don't know. My daddy, he jerks us around so much.

Right.

I don't want that. And second, accountability. I'm not above somebody pointing out a flaw.

Yes.

Number three, vision. Always see something beyond where you are. Always. I try to have. I functioned par excellence in all three of these. All the time. Absolutely not. But they are goals that I want to have as a partner.

And they're for your eyes and you're striving for them.

Yep. I'm real big now in our finances. And things we do. I'm trying to set things up for generations. You know, there's a lot of things. Why don't you buy you one of these? Pastor, you've been doing this 35 years. Why don't you go get you one of these? Number one, I'm blessed. Number two, there's not a thing in the world we need. Number three, I want to have a vision. I don't want me and you to be the only one to experience the blessing of the Lord.

Right.

I want every generation beyond me to experience the blessing of the Lord. I told people I want great, great, great grandkids that have never met me to walk down a hallway and see our kids and see a picture of me and say, I never met him. But I heard he was a bad man, you know? And I heard he changed our family forever.

Yes.

That's. That's what I want to be you. You've got that in you.

Yes.

God never tells you to do anything that's not in you.

So good.

That's not fair. So if God commands it of you, it means it's already in there. Okay? You might not have the right voices, you might not be in the right environment to take these things and develop them, but I will tell you, in every man, it's already in there, and it's woven into your nature. And so, baby, I didn't know where this was going, but this is good. Three things. Remember this about the making of a man that is easy to submit to and respect. He has character, he has accountability, and he's a visionary.

So good character, accountability, a visionary. Do you have those three things? If you don't, you can. You know what? Jesus is the only answer. He's the only way. You got to give your heart and life to the Lord. You got to die so that you can live. If you need to ask Jesus into your heart, do it today. Will things be perfect? Absolutely not. Why? Because you have an enemy. You just changed teams, and he's coming after you. It's not going to be rainbows and butterflies. But I promise you, if you keep going, if you keep fighting, if you keep clawing your way out of these old mindsets and these old negative ways of thinking. You can be everything that God's called you to be. It's not doing what God called you to do. It's being who God called you to be. And I want you to be an amazing man, amazing husband, and lead your household well.

You like that?

Whoa. Hallelujah. Praise the Lord. You are crazy. Listen, till next time, it's Ron and Hope unfiltered. Real, raw revelation.

See you soon.