Ron + Hope: Unfiltered - When Marriage is Cold

Foreign.

Hello, everybody. We are so glad that you are here with us for Ron and Hope Unfiltered. What are you doing? Are you laughing at how I sound?

Go ahead.

Okay, y', all, I'm overcoming. I am in my healing process of.

COVID You're past it. You're out of quarantine.

I know I'm past it, but I still sound all nasally. Is that what you're laughing at?

No, I just laughing because you sounded like a commercial. Do it again. It's really sounding good. Do it again. Do it again.

Y' all want to see me just punch him, right?

Do it again like you just did. I'm going to be serious this time.

Okay. We're so glad that you are joining us for Rotten Hope Unfiltered. Real Raw and. Oh, God, y' all just don't know.

Real Raw. Relevant. Real raw.

If you don't even know what we're.

Giving on Real Raw. And I forgot the tagline. I forgot the tagline.

Good Lord.

Hope you guys enjoyed or have seen the first two podcasts.

Oh, now you jump in and this is what.

This is what you get. I told you. I said you open it up and I jump in and do my thing. I hope y' all enjoyed it. This is what we do. It's. It's. Believe it or not, it's unscripted. It's unscripted.

As they can see.

Yeah, we. We want it that way. We planned it that way because everything in our life pretty much has been stage oriented and. And we want. We. This is. This is kind of really who we are. I mean, if we were sitting on our couch at night watching tv, we just go at each other like this and we have a good time and we enjoy life. We're going to do that with you. So I hope that those of you that think me and Hope are preachers and carry a golden microphone and glow in the dark, you know, this is not that. This is kind of where we're coming out of that and just letting you see how normal Ron and Hope really are. So I'm glad that you guys are with us. And we just. It kind of went. Took a life of its own. We had never done one before. And the last two times we talked, I remember it just kind of started going everywhere.

It's been great.

But you told me today there was something you wanted to talk about.

Yes, we're going to talk about marriage today, but we're going to talk about marriage when it goes cold, when it just turns cold. I know probably none of your marriages have ever turned cold at any time, but ours has before, so we're going to talk about it. And Ron said. Tell them what you said. Ron said. He said the only time our marriage has ever turned cold is when you. I make you get into bed with no clothes on. See, he sounds all. Like he's been smoking. Winston's right there. All that.

We both had Covid. We both had Covid, and I had the first one, and I was almost asymptomatic. I remember I worked out in my garage every day. This one right here was like a head cold.

Yes.

And so even though, you know, we're out of that time barrier and everything, it's still like. Yeah. Kind of the residue of it.

Stuffy and lingering.

Feel a little bit like it's in a tunnel. So, anyway, but let's talk about it. There's so many dynamics to that, and I hope. And I don't want us to turn into armchair psychologists, but there are, as me and, you know, who've been through extensive ministry and counseling and stuff, you know, there's a lot of dynamics that can lead to that. There's no one stream that leads to that. In fact, I would venture to say most people who experience that in their marriage. There's many streams.

Well, let's just.

That have led to it.

Well, let's just bust the myth number one, that there's a marriage that can happen where you never get mad at each other, where you never get frustrated. That's just a myth. The best marriages. I mean, I feel like you and I have a great marriage, but sometimes I do want to strangle you. Sometimes you get aggravated with me.

So sometimes you're just a meanie. That's the word we. When coke goes cold, that's the word we have for it. A meanie. And so I'll look at it, and I'll say, you're just being a meanie.

No. Or you'll say, are you gonna be a meanie tomorrow?

We'll go to bed at night like, you're gonna be a meanie all day tomorrow, too.

Ron thinks I'm a meanie. If I'm silent, if I'm not, like, bubbly and jumping around the house or sitting in his lap or.

But see, that's the hope that I know he.

That's being a meanie. Sometimes you just want to be quiet.

I'm talking about angry eyes. I'm talking about, like, the Mr. Potato Head. When you come in with your angry eyes on. We being silly we need. We need talk about this.

What about.

What about, like, let's talk about arguing.

Arguing. Okay.

I just got a couple of things I want to throw out there and comment on them as you see fit. Probably this probably could be a couple of things that I throw out in the marriage conference.

Is it okay to argue?

Absolutely. It's okay to argue. Well, you started out kind of this. You know, our topic by saying, bust the myth that these things don't happen. The Bible says there's a time and season for everything. Bible says there's a time to laugh. Bible says there's a time to cry. Bible says there's a time to plant, so there's time to pull up what's been planted. In other words, life is.

And there's a time to slide closer to your microphone.

Yep. There's. We need. Okay. There's a time and a season for that. In other words, life is seasonal. Not every season is pleasurable.

Right.

And me and you were talking about. Actually, before we come in here, we're talking about people with small children, and I looked at you and said, you know what it is what it is? Yeah, it's a season. It's not a sentence. But I remember. I remember that feeling. It feels like a life sentence, you know? And I can't even imagine the woman. You know, you are the. The feeder. You are the caretaker. And I was a very involved dad.

The butt wiper.

Yeah. I mean, you're everything doer, and so you feel like, you know, and the birth of this little thing, I just. My whole identity was swallowed up, and I'm lost forever. And it does sound like it's something you'll never come out of, but it is a season. It's not terminal. And it is what it is, and there's no way to make it something different. It is what it is. When you have those little kids, we'll.

Expound on all that, talk about it, but I just know we forgot one thing. My birthday is right around the corner. January 22nd. And, you know, they say age is nothing but a number. Age is way more than a number. I'm gonna tell you right now. Age is.

How old are you?

53. I'll be 53, so shh.

I'm 49. She's 53. She was a senior when I was a freshman.

Age is more than a number. Age is getting up and things hurt. You know, your hair starts falling out. You start going through menopause, and you're meanie sometimes, and sometimes because of menopause. I'm a meanie. Yes. And like today I have my hat on because my hair just wasn't doing right. But I want to tell them about the vitamins that we've been taking. It's called Nutrafol. And they have been doing amazing things for us because, you know, men and women lose their hair the older you get. You could be going through anxiety or stress. Different reasons, baby.

There's people suffering hair loss in college.

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But it's good people with a great partner.

Yes, yes.

Good people with a great partner.

So I had to throw that in since I am 53.

Yeah, we're great to have them. We feel so good about them being sponsors.

Yes.

And we appreciate all the wonderful people there. Let's talk about the fact that to everything there is a season. And sometimes things are what? There's a season where you cry. There's a season when things aren't fun. There's a season when things are wonderful. And I believe all that is the plan of God. I will tell you, it has been my experience, I think you would probably agree with me that the real depth in the relationship did not come in our greatest moments. The real depth in our relationship was built probably in some of our most difficult times that we wish we could undo and undo in everybody's mind.

But, you know, some people don't get the reward of that debt because they bail in the tough times.

I think I have a reason for that because that is. That is a misconception of love. Talk about that. I was watching one of these forensic shows the other night, and the guy was talking about crimes of passion. He said, you know, love is a powerful emotion. I just. Love has nothing to do with emotion.

Right.

Love is not an emotion in the 80s. Tina Turner. What is love but a second hand emotion? It is not an emotion. So if I, if I get married because I feel a certain way, you.

Got to get close to the microphone.

What is going to happen when that feeling is gone? Babe, that's what I want to tell people. Love is patient, love is kind. It is not proud, it is not rude, it does not boast, it's not easily angered. It hopes all things, believes all things, bears all things, suffereth all things hope. I mean, love never fails.

Hope doesn't either.

Yeah, I know. None of those things were an emotion.

Right.

All of them defined a commitment. And so when you say it again, when you say I love you. Love can be accompanied by feelings, but love is not a feeling.

Yeah, I do a whole teaching at our marriage conference and it's called what's Love Got to Do with It? And there are different types of love. And I do believe that when that butterfly feeling flies away, when the butterflies fly away and it happens to every one of us, that there are things that you can do to get that feeling back. Some people just live in a marriage based on solely commitment. I don't want that. I want the butterflies.

Bible says, he who God has joined is one in spirit.

Yeah. I want the commitment. I want to do that under God. I want to love well in my agape love. But I also want to see you coming around the corner and my stomach is excited, you know, as you do and I do. But there are things that you can do and that is sewing into one another's love tank. For instance, Ron likes words of affirmation. He likes to hear that he's wonderful, that he's cute.

No, I like to hear that from you. Yes, I like to hear it from you.

Right, that, oh, baby, you look good today. He likes that.

I like to walk in a room and say, how are you just standing there? My God, Ron, how are you not pulled by that gravity that is in the room? Go ahead.

So I know that. So I have to do that for him.

Now.

Mine. Now, don't laugh and think that I'm just carnal, but it is. Mine is gift giving and receiving. I love to receive gifts. So if I so and try to.

Sow into him, it's more natural for you to say it the way you receive.

Right? I want to give him gifts because that's, that's what I see. I can see something because that's what I love. But it's not natural for me to have to use my words. To give you what you need. And that when you start doing that one for another, it creates those feelings.

Vice versa. I can take my words.

Oh, yeah. His words are something else.

When I get in the shower, let me tell you one of my greatest gifts that y' all ever seen.

Oh, and you never will see it.

When I'm in the shower.

That's why you'll never see it.

I can take songs and change the lyrics, and I can change those lyrics. I can change those lyrics into something meaningful to hope. And I can do it on a dime. Can I?

Yes.

I mean, I can do it instantaneously without any thought. And I'll be in the shower singing it, and I'll hear her laughing on the outside.

But I will have to say, you know on some of these CDs where it says parental advisory.

Yeah, some of them are his.

Would have to have parental advisory on them.

Yeah, they would. Some of them can be explicit lyrics, but anyway.

But they're just for me.

So that's why he got married. Exactly. Right. So words come easy for me. I notice everything. Her hair is parted on the opposite side. I notice. I notice if she changes her eyeshadow. I notice everything. If she got her nails done that day. I notice everything.

He does.

And so. And I notice it. And then I usually want to speak to it. And I think she appreciates that. She wants to hear that. I think she's pretty. She wants to know that I'm attracted to her. But let me go out and find a coffee mug with there's no one like Hope on it. Oh, my gosh. And just put it in there. Maybe a little thing of her favorite tea in it. And I bring it home wrapped up in plastic, and it's a gift. She loves it. I love you. She just heard I love you sometimes. I mean, not expensive. Sometime I'll just stop by a place and buy her pajamas. She loves fuzzy, warm pajama. And I'll just bring her home a new thing of pajamas. And I mean, it's just.

Love it.

Yeah. She's knowing the other person's love language and investing into it, even when it doesn't come natural to you. It's like seed sowing. And if you continue to sow seed, there will always be a harvest.

Right? Right. So you don't have to let your marriage go cold. There are things you can do to spice it up, to rev it up, to get that loving feeling again. But we're just lazy and sometimes we're just stubborn.

We don't want to do that's a whole different topic. But you're right about that. Sometimes it's a pride thing that gets in the way of. I'm not going to budge first.

Right.

And so, anyway, I'll tell you what my feelings on that. When there's a wedge in the house, I think God takes the priest of the house and holds him responsible for moving it. I don't care if you were responsible for the wedge or not. He holds you responsible to remove that thing. And sometimes I tell them, I said, marriages are what they used to call a Mexican standoff. It's like we're going to see who's going to budge first. The fact is, the man, the priest of the house, whoever's leading the house, should take the charge in removing the offense, removing the alt from the house, and clearing the air. Because mom and dad, if y' all are at all with one another, I promise you, it's affecting the whole house.

Oh, the whole house.

It's affecting the temperature. Exactly. Right. Sets the tone. Sets the temperature, sets the atmosphere.

And you think your kids are so small, they don't under. They don't hear it or see it. Oh, they feel it. They may not see it. They might not have even heard it, but they feel it.

Mm. I want to talk about some other things, would you say, and you can disagree right here with me, but we didn't talk about this. I would say me and you are at this stage in life now, having dated three and a half years and being married over 30. We're pretty intentional about a constant investing each other during the day. Yes, we're pretty intentional about that.

I think we finally learned some things, don't you?

Well, we went to hell and back, you know, so hopefully you learned something on the way back.

Right.

And. But we're pretty intentional about knowing what is a blessing to the other person. And I think, if I could be honest, I also hope, you know, for a while it may be kind of a chore doing those things that your mate loves, but after a while, it should become somewhat of a blessing.

Well, when you get that response when you see them changing, you're like, wow, this really works.

For instance, what do we do with our coffee in the morning? Me and Hope have about a half hour to 45 minutes where it's just us and it's a cup of coffee.

And it's a fire, and we get up early. We are intentional to do that, to spend time together in the morning.

But, you know, who does the coffee? The first one there the first one, whoever it ain't, this is yours, this is mine. It's the first one there. And if I'm the first one there, I'll wait for. For the coffee to get finished and I'll pour her a cup and I'll carry her. But there are also times. Hope's down there. Your coffee's ready, baby. You know, it's whatever you need to do. And don't wait 30 years, right? Because these things, you know, you don't have to learn by experience. Hear these words coming from people who've already walked these paths. Number two, baby. Arguing. I have two things that I say about arguing that are so simple, but I believe can revolutionize arguments. Arguments are not unhealthy. Arguments usually come because of personal boundaries and definition. You like what you like, you don't like what you don't like, then that defines you. When I think of Hope, I think of what you love, what you don't love, what you like, what you don't like, what your boundaries are. And then that defines my wife, Hope. Well, sometimes those come in conflict. And so an argument begins to take place after that. Here's the keys we need to talk about with arguing. How do you argue effectively? Number one, keep it to the issue.

Right?

When you take the issue and move into personal attack, well, you always. The whole thing's changed. The whole thing. Well, you know, your mama.

Your mama.

You do this every time you run. Your mama, you like your. And you. We have a difficult time. What is the issue? And me and you, I've seen us, when we get crossways with each other, me and you want to sit back and say, all right, we done got off all over here. Let's come back to what we were talking about. You. You told our. You told our daughter, Yes, I told our daughter no, we need to fix this. What is the issue at hand? And don't reach back into every other argument you've ever had to prove why you should win this one. Okay? You're not trying. Love keeps no record of wrongs. But you bring up the eight other times that they did that, that gives you the ammunition to be the victor in this one. The point of an argument is not to win. The point of an argument is compromise.

Right? Resolution.

Yeah, the point of argument is I'm going to come some across the table, you're going to come some across the table, and then we get to a place of compromise, resolution. However you want to define it, stick to the issue, and in our world, we've lost the Art of compromise. We've lost it politically. We've lost it. We've lost it in our homes. It's my way or the highway. It's I'm right and you're wrong. And the fact is, usually it's neither one's right. It's usually the truth is somewhere in the middle. And both people probably needed to move a little bit. Don't you want to speak to that?

I do. I was reading this morning, Excuse me, in Proverbs, in Proverbs 12:18, it says, the words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. And I just sat there and thought, wow, how many times have I used reckless words? And now, specifically talking about arguing, you know, I used to do this. I'm guilty, was guilty in arguing. I felt like Ron, because he was such a good talker, could just talk around me. And I just felt like my head would be spinning and I couldn't find my words, and then I'd be confused. And so then I would just get louder and then I would get demeanor because I felt like I wasn't winning and I felt like that I wasn't being heard. So I would just say hurtful things to dig. And when I was reading that today and knowing what we were going to talk about today, I was like, wow. I had to ask myself, God, you know, have I done this? Have I hurt people with reckless words? And Lord, help me to be a person who uses wise words to bring healing. You know, here we are ministers, powerful word. We're preachers. I teach healing the heart. But, you know, you don't think about that. Your daily words, the words that you say, the words you use, are they reckless, just random and just throwing them out there.

Are they emotional, driven?

Are they thoughtful? And are they full of wisdom to heal?

I love wisdom. I love wisdom. I pray for wisdom. I do, too, all the time. I pray for wisdom. I ask God for the spirit of wisdom and spirit of revelation. That is a declaration probably two or three times a week in my different prayer times. God, I thank you that I have the spirit of wisdom and the spirit of revelation. Why to come into the middle of a situation and bring healing to it before I forget it, because it will leave my mind. What have I told you so many times over the years has been one of the things that probably has surprised me most about ministry is people's inability to resolve conflicts. I've been telling you that through the 90s, through the 2000s, through the teens, and now that we're in the 20s to no end. Even here lately, me having to go get involved with grown adults and bring peace and bring resolution because a group of adults in the room could not do it. And I told people, I told Hope, I said it just because we always.

Want to be right, we don't want to give up our right to be right. And we want to win.

Okay? And I've heard you preach that. What does that mean? Give up your right to be right.

Sometimes we, I, if I am right, I don't have to go to the mat to win so that you can say I'm right. Sometimes for the greater good, I will have to give up my right to be right. Let it drop and let's reach an agreement and go forward, right?

So let's, when somebody's right, they don't want to let that go. No, they don't want to let that go.

Sometimes just like Jesus.

Jesus was right every time.

Every single time. But Jesus gave up his right to be right for the greater cause. For me, for you, for the people listening because he loved us so much, he laid down his life. And that's the way it is in relationships. We got to love each other so much that we are willing to lay down our right to be right sometime.

Let me address what some, some gender specific things. When it comes into an argument, men understand that you're. This is in general, there are some exceptions. So, you know, you don't have to write in and tell us that that's not. There are exceptions, but in general, men are thinkers, women are feelers. Okay? I can tell you what I think about it. Hope will tell you how she feels about it.

That's right.

So now I've learned when there's something I want to run by her. I ran something really big by her this morning about this year's special events. I mean, this is a big decision, but even when I worded it, I said, here's something I've been thinking about. And I said, you don't have to answer me now. I said, but I want you to tell me how you feel about it, because I already know she's going to feel it before she thinks it. I'm going to think it before I feel it. Okay. I tell a story in our marriage conference. One of the times where I missed it. The biggest in our marriage is Hope. Hope had two miscarriages before we had Chase, our first, our firstborn, and I was 24. We had Chase when he was 25, so I was 24 and I loved her. More than anything. I just got out of Bible school. I'm a Bible major. People come to me to want to know what God's answer is. And so when Hope called me, she was so upset. And, you know, she wanted to be a mother so bad. We had talked about kids the whole time. We date and everything. She wanted to be a mother. And we had that baby. It was such a happy night. And then she lost it. And when she called me, I remember how upset she was. And I remember leaving and going on a drive because I was having to. It violated my theology.

Right.

With my concept of God, my concept of his Word. And then I get this news.

Yeah, you didn't know how to process it.

I didn't know how to process it. And so I remember just going out and riding like, God, what's going on? But she's at home curled up in a bed. She could care.

I was just feeling she could care.

Less about my theology. She don't care. She don't want to know. Proverbs 6, verse 14. She don't care. Right. Then all she knows is the loss her body has lost the fruit of the womb. That's all she's feeling. And I finally circle back around and made the best I could of that opportunity. But the beginning, she did not need an answer. She needed me to be present. She needed me to hold her while she cried. She's feeling it. I'm thinking it, but you've got to learn each other and begin to move to the center. Think you got some things you need to say?

I was just thinking, you know, so we're talking about when marriage goes cold. So what are two things that we've already said could help? It's so into each other's feelings, investing in each other, investing that will help bring the feelings back. And then learning how to argue properly. Right.

But stay to the point, don't make it personal about issues, and always be seeking resolution.

Because we've been married so long, we've had three kids, five grandkids. What are some things in our marriage, Ron, where we can look back and say, well, these might be some instances where you might want to watch out if you're married, where you could lose it along the way, where you could lose your passion, where you could lose your drive for one another? I'd say kids coming into the marriage, raising kids, because your focus is so on the children. And the more you have. Good grief.

The energy level. Yes, the energy level that it took, especially with kids with the last name of Carpenter. We had three kind of boom, boom, boom close together. And all three of them were highly motivated on some level. And. Yeah, that changed our house.

Yeah, it does. So you have to be intentional to spend time together.

You know, I wasn't used to coming home and just seeing you in the house crying.

Everything cannot be about the kids.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, so I. You know, you got this. You got to shift. You have to shift and understand it's not like it was when me and you were freewheeling and looking at each other and saying, let's go drive to the mountains that day. Right now, that's not our season.

Right.

We have a responsibility here, and it will bear great fruit, but we've got to invest in it. But I do think there needs to be a level of understanding, probably more so with the man than with the woman. The woman's body's been traumatized. The woman's body does not look the same.

No, it doesn't feel the same either.

Because of hormones, and it doesn't feel the same because of hormones. But you also don't feel the same level of attractiveness.

Right.

I remember there were things you didn't want me to see. I remember you didn't like the roll of skin around your belly fat tail. I remember all that stuff changed stuff. So you got to understand, in the season, there's a time and season for everything. The season has turned. We are now in the childrearing time of our years. Now, what used to come naturally, time together has to be intentional.

That's right.

Because if you don't do it when you got kids, it you will not.

Have to get a babysitter. You have to put it in your budget. You have to get a babysitter and go out to eat with each other or make you some ham sandwiches and go on a picnic. Right.

You're right.

All of these things bring so much stress into the home, and a lot of times, people don't know where to go to talk about it. People don't have a counselor. People don't have somewhere to go. And I believe in counseling.

Right.

Don't you? I mean, we've had so many wonderful people in our life to help us. And I will tell you another place. Listen, if you're listening to us right now, there is a place that you can go. It's called Talkspace and Talk Spaces. Encryption and added security features. Keep everything that you say fully protected. Listen, you got to make your mental health more than just another New Year's resolution. And you can do it with TalkSpace. Go to talkspace.com get $100 off your first month. When you use the promo code roninhope at signup, that's a hundred dollars off talkspace.com promo code roninhope. You can listen, you've got to go and bounce these things off of people. You got to get help. These are licensed counselors who can help. You don't say, well, I'm just going to hold it in or I'm just going to go to God. Sometimes you got to go somewhere else. Faith without works is dead. And you have got to put the work into your marriage to make it great. So you need a counselor. You got to go somewhere to get some help, to get somebody else's perspective. So I encourage you today to go to Talkspace. It's personalized. You can put in there, like what you're going through. If you're dealing with depression, if you're dealing with anxiety, if it's addiction, if it's marital issues. And they will customize you, the person who specializes in your field. So go to talkspace.com use the promo code RON and hope, get $100 off. I hope that it helps you because it has been a blessing to us.

Amen. And you know, just not just our sponsors, but in general. Yeah, maybe if it's not even a counselor. But here's another thing, like I told you, it's unscripted. So things just come to my mind, having that person, having that couple, having that something that you can go and talk to and get that counsel. You know, when our oldest son was so, so heavily addicted to drugs, you know, I got on a plane and made a flight to go talk to somebody because I just needed to vent.

That's right.

I just needed to vent. And after I got through venting this person in my life, I'm telling you, they jerked my chain, they yanked my chain hard. And I knew they were right. And I came back and I did everything that I was counseled to do. Because you have a third party objective view, right? When you're not objective about your problems, you're not objective. So you get somebody that has no personal thing with either person who can come in and be objective about the difficulty at hand. You'd be surprised what counsel will do. It's amazing. I think there was this misnomer about counseling for years. Like it was only for the weak minded.

Right.

What it is, is for objectivity.

It is.

It's not for people who are mentally weak. It's for people who need objectivity. Why? Because you see it your way and I see it my way. But then you got this person in the middle who has no allegiance to either one of you, trying to bring it to its truth and to its reality.

That's very prideful, too. To think that, you know, that I don't need anybody that's rooted in pride. To think that I know it all.

There's no such thing as I don't need anybody.

Right. There's none of us who know everything about everything. So to get another perspective is just wisdom.

Exactly.

Right.

Exactly. I'm going to go back, I'm going to circle back in these few minutes that we have left, and I want to talk about the love thing. I know yours was about when love goes cold. I have often said, number one, you can't hurt me if I don't love you.

I love you.

That's right. The deeper the love, the deeper the offense. If I love you a little bit, you can hurt me a little bit. If I've given you my heart. Oh, my gosh, I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable when you start. I just want to make sure I'm using my words wisely here. Love, in its biblical form of First Corinthians 13, is the definition of a deep seated spirit originated commitment. Better or worse, richer, poorer, sickness. In other words, you said, I'm making a commitment and I don't care where feelings go.

That's right.

So some of you who are out there saying, man, I'm telling you, I don't want to say it because it would hurt his feelings, but he walks in the house and I feel nothing.

I'm sick of him.

Or maybe I do feel something and it's disgust.

Yes.

You know, and can I tell you something? And this will try your love. Not your fate, but it'll try your love. I've told people who said, I don't feel in love with them anymore. I say, well, you've got to continue to love them till the feelings come back.

That's right.

And you can see them.

You got to continue to be patient with them, kind with them, long suffering all those things.

First Corinthians 13 says, Hoping all things, hoping he can pull out of this funk that he's in, hoping she can pull out of her depression, believing the best, hoping he can shake that addiction to gambling or that alcohol. You got to believe all things, hope all things suffer, all things endure. And these right here, these are the rock bed of what holds homes together. Is that if you look, this is a bold statement. If you look at how Paul has defined love, baby doll, you got to be close to your love is when you keep smiling at your wife, when she's pointing. When she's corrected you 17 times during the podcast. When you look at love in its purest form, basically what it says is, you can't offend me. Love in its purest form. You can't offend me. My commitment to you will rise above anything that you do to me. That's in its purest form. And those that use the thing where Jesus said well that he would make an exception for divorce with adultery, that is not what Jesus said. No, he said, for hardness of heart.

Right?

He said, but because of your hardness of heart, I will issue you, he said, because you let the offense turn your heart into stone. But what does Jeremiah say? I will take your heart of flesh, tone sound and give you a heart of flesh. In other words, Ezekiel, if you. If you entrust this thing to God and give God time, God said, the place in you that's hardened. He said, I'll remove it and I'll let you feel again. And I'm telling you from two people who not only has she written the book, but we have lived this.

Yeah.

When your feelings are all over the place, love can hold you steady. Love can anchor that thing in the ground. When the storms are blowing, when the waves are raging, the storms are blowing. Love is the thing that can cause it not to move. Because love is not a feeling. Love is a commitment. And so I want to challenge some of you who say the feeling's gone. Okay. I get that feelings can go and.

Come daily, all the time. Because they're rooted in chemicals.

Yep. But Hope, you know, Hope. There's sometimes once or twice a year where Hope will actually feel like she don't want.

Once or twice a year, I'll actually feel like I don't want you. No. Once or twice a year, I want to beat you, just punch you real good. But I'm sure you feel like that about me, too, when I'm a meanie.

Not much. I just play with when Hope. You know what we do when Hope's. When Hope's not, obviously not having a good day. I try to make her laugh, and usually if I come and start calling her a meanie, she'll end up doing that right there, and the whole thing changes anyway. But here, again, that comes with time. What's one more wisdom key we could leave with people before we move on in this podcast?

Wisdom key. You like my hair?

I like your Hair.

Good. Cause that's the way it's gonna be all day.

Did you wash it today?

Nope. A wisdom key is washing your hair and taking baths.

Is it a hat for style or the hat for cover?

It's cover up.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, go ahead, ask. What's one key you'd like to leave with? Couples? Hmm.

How important is sex, Ron, in a good Marriage?

Scale of 1? 10, 12. 116. That goes without saying. And I don't want to just hear that. It's important to the man. It's important to the woman.

Yes, it is. For many, many reasons.

It's important to the marriage.

Not just fleshly reasons or.

I didn't know we were going to go here. That's a hard way to end something out, but it opens up a whole nother box. Just let me hit you with this. Most men like to make up with sex. Most women like to make up and then have sex.

Then have sex. Yes. Don't be trying to make up with me and have sex with me when I'm still mad.

When they are flat out ticked off.

No, thank you.

Man will come up. Come here, baby. You know, because you're. You're wanting the sex to clear the air.

No.

And what you got to understand is for a woman, the air is going to have to be clear, way cleared before that.

Like a sunny day.

Yeah, before that happens.

Like you don't see a cloud anywhere in sight.

Yep. Another thing when you talk about is sex important is this is the reason, one of the reasons the children years are so tough, not just because of the drain on your energy level, but another reason it's so tough is because women are very, very connected to environment.

Absolutely.

And the things that, you know, your young wife in her 20s would do when y' all are the only ones in your little apartment with all the blinds closed. You know, that kind of changes when you got a toddler running around and the feelings are not the same and it changes the atmosphere of a home. So I found that once kids started that my greatest times of you intimately were when I would get you out of your house.

Yes.

Before kids, our house was our playground. But would you say after kids, you.

You got to take me somewhere?

You didn't have a sense of liberty to your sex life unless I removed you from the diaper infested jello in the carpet.

Because I got one eye cockeyed over here looking around the corner, seeing which one's running.

We've heard couples tell us looking like.

Batman, jump on my Bed.

We've had couples tell us the horror of kids coming in on them during such times.

Oh, my gosh.

Hope would have been mortified out of her mind.

No, you might not have ever had sex again if that happened. Oh, Jesus.

Our kids would have been scarred for life. They can't even stand here and talk about it. You won't pass me.

Even now, they can't stand it.

If she walks past me at Thanksgiving, I'll pop her on the backside.

Chase will be like, ah, dad.

Oh, dad, man, quit. And I'm like, son, how do you think you got here?

Oh, goodness.

This has been fun.

Yes, it has.

This has been fun. I'm grateful for you guys. Just.

Just want you to know that you are not alone. If you feel like you are in a dry place in your marriage, it happens to everybody, but you don't have to stay there. And that is not an indicator. Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. Just because you feel like that, it is not an indicator that I'm not in love with you anymore and I should go look for somebody else. It's just times and seasons. It's chemicals in your brain. Just like when you get a best friend and you're so excited to be with them, but six months later you're like, oh, hey, she wants me to go have coffee with her. I don't have time for it. The chemicals have worn off. But you have to invest in one another. You have to do things to keep the butterflies flying around.

And I got them.

Yes, I got them, too.

I got them. And.

And we've been married almost 32 years.

We've been married 32 years and I have butterflies. And you can ask the staff and anything that's around us. It's not because I'm a great husband. It's because of what I feel. Yes, I have the one for First Corinthians 13. Commitment. But when she walks in a room, that room just changed for me. And I don't want that to ever stop. And I don't want her to ever feel like she can walk in a room and it make no difference. I want her to always know if she comes in that room. I mean, even if I'm just saying something, you know, if she comes down, I'm like, whoa. I mean, I'm going to let her know. I noticed you just entered this room in some way or another. And now my day is different because of your presence in it. Those are the things that we do with intentionality that I believe keep love so Fresh.

So it's doable.

It is doable, but it don't just happen. It's not organic.

It's really not.

Falling in love is. Yes, falling in love is, but sustaining it is not takes a lot of work. So can I pray for you guys?

Let's do it.

I don't think I did it in the other podcast, but, you know, something I probably need to be habitual about is we're sitting here just cutting up in front of you and just being real, real raw and relevant. You did it, I did it. We're being real.

You get a star.

But the fact is, our faith is very precious to us. It's not our job.

That's right.

Our faith is very precious to us. The word of God is precious to us. And we really do try to live what we preach. We really do. Do we fall short? Of course. But it is important to us. And we believe that putting God's principles to work is the greatest key to happiness. And so happy are those whose God is the Lord. When you have made him not your savior, but your Lord, that's where it brings happiness. You've submitted to him, Happiness comes. So, God, I just pray for my brothers and my sisters, our new podcast family. I just pray for them now and for those that have been contemplating separation. Those that are right now separated are those that are going through divorce or those that are sitting there with tears down their face saying, man, it seems like they've been in my home for the last six months. God, I pray that you would give them hope. I pray that you would give them a vision of themselves that is greater than the one that they have in front of them right now. I pray that where their heart has grown hard, I pray that you would give them the heart, not just the flesh, but even of ministry, where it may be the things that they hate the most is the place where the person needs the most grace and mercy. I just pray that these things that we've withheld that we would release. And I pray that we would prefer our spouse over ourself because in doing so, we fulfill the law of Christ. I thank you for this time together. And I pray a unique and special blessing upon everyone who has heard this podcast. Let them feel this prayer in Jesus name, Amen.

Why don't you share this with everybody that you know, Put it on your Facebook, your Instagram, go to our YouTube page and just share this with everybody you know who you think might need some spicing up in their marriage. If it's going cold, we love you, and we'll see you next time.

Thank you, guys.