What Are Safe Relationships? | Ron + Hope: Unfiltered

Foreign.

Hey, everybody, it's Ron and Hope. Unfiltered, real raw and relevant. And here we. What's wrong with you? You got indigestion, y'?

All?

I'm sorry. He's gonna be burpee today. What?

I told you I drank that protein drink.

Yep. And that gives you indigestion.

So I ordered Chipotle and it never came. And they had delivered it to the wrong place.

So you were.

I've not had anything to eat, so I drove about through this thing and got me a little protein shake, like, as a meal replacement. And it's, like, yucky. It's like it's sitting right here. I'm sorry. Anyway, just don't burp. But I got a great big mic to burp in if I need to burp because it's real raw and relevant. So we can catch the whole burp.

No.

With this mite ear. And I'm comfortable with my T shirt. And you're all dressed up for Easters.

I'm not dressed up.

Just a visa. You got Easter toes?

Yeah.

You got your Easter toes done?

Yeah. I took Remy. I took Remy yesterday and got her toes done. Yeah, got mine done.

About waited too long, didn't you?

Yeah.

I told you he's gonna go climb a tree if you didn't go do something in feet.

So stupid.

Tell everybody what we're talking about.

What are safe relationships?

I want to go ahead and tell you, I don't think I've ever done this. There's several books that me and Hope have read or been a part of by our own personal journey, quite honestly. Not just because they were part of books we wanted to read or I was trying.

Dr. Henry Cloud, right?

Yeah. Not just reading. So I have some preaching material, but for personal development. This is one of them. Safe people. Dr. Henry Cloud. Dr. Henry Cloud's got some crazy stuff. I've always talked about his boundaries. Yeah. Boundaries book. Probably one of the top five books that impacted my life. As far as me reading a book and going and making changes. I probably have about five books that I would say affected me on that level. It's one of them. And I'm not going to sit here and walk people through his book, but to prepare for this, I do have one chapter in here that I want to talk about and maybe speak from as we talk about some traits of unsaved people. Because life is choice driven. Okay. Life is choice driven. We live out of the choices we make. Unfortunately, sometimes we live out of the choices we make and the Choices we make today create tomorrow's outcomes. And so one of the major areas where we will continually make choices is in the area of who we let in our life, who we let in our life, and the levels at which we let people in our life. I'm going to talk about some things we need to look out for. I'm going to talk about some pitfalls. I want to talk about some things I think we do wrong. This is going to be more of a what not to do than what to do. And then I want to talk about some of the things out of his book. I went back through it. I remember there was one chapter that I looked at in particular, and I found that chapter when I was going back through the index because it's been a few years since I've been in this book. But when you told me the topic that we were going to speak on, I said, I need to go grab that book. And I actually found it in your office. And so I need you guys to hang around because I will tell you. The Bible says bad company. Listen to this. Corrupts good character.

It does.

I got a revelation on that. When you take good character and you take bad company, bad company will win.

Isn't that crazy?

That's hard to believe. Yes, I.

Because normally, I mean, you know, we look at the light versus the darkness and we say the larkness. The light dispels the darkness.

But this says that larkness is rough.

Yes.

You got one this time. Go right ahead. Go ahead. That darkness will work on you.

The light dispels the darkness. The darkness. But here, the bad.

The darkness overshadows Bad company will corrupt good characters. So, you know, when you put two in a room, the one that's going to win is the company. So that. What? I don't want to get super spiritual because our podcasts are not designed for that. So hope that tells me whether or not I'm cognitive of it. I am getting stuff from the company that I'm in.

It's true.

There's stuff whether you want to say, coming to me, coming into me, but to say that you can go in that crowd and be unaffected by that crowd is just not true. It's just not true.

In Proverbs, 13:20 says, Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.

Suffers harm. Yep. So who you walk with, who you run with, and so we're going to get into that pretty deep. The first thing I want to do, I'm going to jump right in. I don't want to waste any of our time because we try not to do long podcasts as it is. I try to keep them about a half hour. And so I don't want me and you to go back and forth cracking jokes. I want to jump right into it because I believe it's an important conversation. Number one, there's so many relationship gurus out there. I told him, I said, this new generation of preachers, I said, relationships and anxiety or fear. Fear seem to be the topic. If you actually Google that, millennials and Gen Z, that will be number one. And number two. So actually, evidently these preachers are googling that and they just speak to those things all the time. There's a whole lot more in the Bible than how to have a successful relationship and how to overcome fear. There's a lot more there. Those are important. There's a lot more there. I want to come at relationships a little different than maybe what I hear some of the way the pop culture is coming at it. I think, number one, relationships need to be built. You had a spirit, a soul and a body. I, I think that they need to be built on a spiritual dynamic. In a dating relationship, many times we start physical and end up spiritual. And I think a lot of times in friendships, we may start out social. Do they make me laugh? Are they fun to be around? And we don't include the spiritual dynamic. Not understanding that if a foundation of relationship is not spiritual, the other stuff don't have the ability to make it long term.

It won't be sustainable.

And so, you know, the first thing I want to note here, again, I'm not talking about people I'm ministering to. I'm not talking about people that are acquaintances. I'm not talking about people that I've been invited to a room to speak to it and impact. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about people you run with.

People you hang with.

These are people that you do life with on a consistent basis. That's what I'm talking about. I want to make sure I got the right, you know, we got apples with apples and oranges with oranges. Number one, those people that I run with need to know Jesus.

Absolutely.

They need to know Jesus.

Do not be unequally yoked.

We had someone that we knew that lately it's not been proven that they did anything, but they run with somebody all the time who was just absolutely.

You know, just totally opposite.

Just, just been accused of all kind of stuff. And the first thing the question I asked was, well, why the association anyway. Yeah, why the association when it. When it's somebody you know? You know, if I say, well, man, those strippers need Jesus, well, I'm not going to start running with strippers. Do you see what I'm talking about? There will be an atmosphere somewhere that is safe for me, that I would be glad to give them the gospel and a healing journey by which they can change their life and come out. But it's not going to be a people that I choose to run with. Do you see what I'm talking about?

You don't go out to eat with them, you don't go on vacation with them.

Just overloading lots of time. Because. How do you spell a relationship? T, I, M, E. So you say, well, we're not real close. If you spend a lot of time with them, you are getting close, or you already are close. Because that's the investment of a relationship, is the investment of time. I tell people, when they're dating, let's go to dating. I tell people, you got to be careful dating people that only excite your flesh. You got to be careful to date people that only put you in atmospheres where the flesh side of you grows strong.

That's right.

You got to be careful. Do they care anything about connecting with you on a spiritual level?

Because so do the flesh.

Exactly.

You're going to reap the corruption if.

You'Re dating somebody that always wants you to go to club but will never go to church with you.

Right? Come on, Red flag.

Come on, we got to look at this thing. If they're always trying to get you in situations which compromise you. If they're always. I remember one time, you know, not dating, but another relationship I was talking about. This happened to us a few years ago. We got invited to some people's house and some people that were on the edge of the church, but they were also people that had great potential. In other words, they could be very beneficial to the ministry. And they had asked me and you to come over to their house. This was a long time ago. I don't even know if you'd remember it. And you went hanging out kind of with the lady, and you're sitting there drinking coffee and y' all talking. And the guy took me in there into a media room and cut on, you know, a thing. And we were in that. We were watching that movie, and we went in five minutes into it, and about 12F bombs had done dropped. And I'm sitting there and I'm like.

What am I going to do?

I'm sitting there. What am I going to do?

Make a decision.

What am I going to do? And finally, I just, you know, I had to put the growth of the relationship at risk. I said, man, I said, I can't watch this. And it was on Saturday night. I'm preaching the next morning. I don't want that stuff in my pipes. Do you see what I'm talking about? So even not counting a dating relationship, the ability to understand, I don't need to be in this. I don't need to be involved in this.

And everybody's on so many different levels. It is so true.

That's why you only have such a low, a small group of friends. You really true friends. You only have a small group because of what you just said.

And it's okay. It's not if somebody's wrong and somebody's right or somebody's better than or more holy than or everybody's on different levels. Hopefully we're all going in the same direction, which is forward and upward call and, you know, trying to pursue the likeness of Jesus. But it's true. We're all different mile markers, hopefully on the same road. But you cannot, you know, go backwards and hang out with people who are still dealing with things that you have.

Already overcome, you know, hope. When I started pastoring, I was 22, you were 21. I had zero training on relationships. Zero. They didn't do that in Bible school. They didn't train you on finances, they didn't train you on business, and they didn't train you anything about relationships. So I went into the pastorate thinking, all these people in my church are going to be my friends.

We tried for a while.

I really didn't know any different. And that sounds funny now, 30 some years later, looking back on the carnage of believing that way. But really, I didn't know any better. We going to have this wonderful group they going to get. We're all just going to have the best time being friends in church. And over the years, I had to realize somebody needs to hear this. Everybody can have my gift. My gift is not for me.

It's for the people.

My gift is for the world. My gift is not mine. Everybody can have my anointing. I love to get in big rooms and give it away as fast as I can to people whom I have no idea who these people are. Everybody can have my ministry, but everybody can't have me. And you know what? That's all right. It's all right when you mark off the parameters of your own life and People say, well, I thought you was Christian. I thought you were supposed to love people. I do love people, but the fact is.

But you only have a capability of so much room.

But the people that come into my circle, I'm going to qualify them. Why do you qualify at a high level, the people that get close to you? Here's why. Because in ministry especially, and I know all of our listeners are not. But in ministry, there are very few people that can navigate seeing. Being close enough to see what you don't do. Well, to be close enough to see you in a moment of flesh or in a moment of emotion, or in a moment where you lose it, or in a moment when you're angry and still believe you're a woman of God. That is just a small group of people.

Because most people aren't that mature.

Exactly. Right. They can't navigate those waters, you know, can you see Ron Carpenter's weakness and still believe he's God's man? Can you be around me and see me when I lose it on my kids and I go off on somebody, which I don't do. That's not really my nature. But when I do something that is beneath what you thought of me, can you still believe? Okay, he's still God's man. God can still use him. There's so few people that can see the real you and still receive all the other parts of you. And I think that's why the circle has to remain small. And we had to learn that by trial and error and by pain, because nobody had a book that taught us anything about bad relationships, good ones, safe ones. I thought I was just supposed to give myself to everybody. Well, you know, after, like I said, the carnage that comes from that, two or three times you learn, I can't do that. And so anyway, that's kind of.

So the basis is the spirituality. The basis is, are you saved? Do you love Jesus? Are you pursuing him? That's another level. Are you pursuing him, you know, at the same degree that I am. Do we have the same belief systems? Do we have the same convictions, even.

I'd say that's even more important. Do we have the same convictions in life? The same convictions are my do's and my don'ts.

Yeah.

Okay. If you have a whole lot of do's where I have don'ts, we can't run.

No, can't.

And you have a lot of don'ts where I have don'ts. Like, we can't run.

Just like what you said. Just like what you said at the Beginning it's going to overshadow my good and it's going to bring me down.

You know, I tell people, I said, then the Bible talks about living a life worthy of the calling you've received. Okay, what have you received? Are you a manager? Are you a supervisor? Are you a CEO? Are you a minister? Are you a leader? What are you? Whatever that is, it demands a certain lifestyle, and so you live a life worthy of the calling you've received. I got into the west coast and the East Coast Praise Team, and I had a little fireside chat with both of them, because I believe that there's a dimension in the presence of God that we're supposed to go into that we've not experienced up until now. But I told him, who can ascend unto the mountain of the Lord? Him who has clean hands and a pure heart. So this is what I told him. I said, guys, here's what I'm trying to tell you. I'm not coming to you religious. I'm not coming to you legalistic. I'm not bringing you a code of conduct. I said, but I am calling you higher. I said, because if you're on that stage, you have to live a life worthy of being on that stage. If you hold that mic and we're going to put you over the Internet to hundreds of thousands of people on the weekend, you got to live a life worthy of that. So I tell them, I said, this is what that means. You got to get past is it right or is it wrong? You got to get to, is this appropriate for what I'm called to do? Is this appropriate? So I tell them, there are things I can't do, not because they're morally wrong. I can't do them because of who I am. I can't do them because of the call on my life. There are places I can't go. You can go there and it's fine. It's not morally wrong. I just can't be there. People invite us to concerts all the time. And I finally had to break down UI back and say, I am totally and completely uncomfortable at concerts. I'm not uncomfortable because I used to listen to that music. Don't bother me. It's a little nostalgic. Got some 80s music. I'm uncomfortable in what's going on around me.

Yeah, the other people there.

I'm uncomfortable in the scantily dress. I'm uncomfortable in drunk people that I don't know what they're about to do. I don't want. I don't I'm uncomfortable with a drunk man that will start hitting on my wife, and all of a sudden I'm on the front page of the paper. Do you see what I'm talking about?

Because you're going to pop him.

I'm not going to let him do. I'm not going to let him do that. And so when you get me in that atmosphere, there is nothing wrong with going and seeing a concert from your favorite high school band when you went to the Pride. Nothing wrong with that.

But everybody there doesn't have the same convictions.

And for what I'm called to do, there are activities going on all around me that are not a part of my life. And I finally just had to break down and say, man, I don't want to be. Spoil sport. I don't want to be a fuddy dude. Yeah, I don't want to be that, I said. But I'm uncomfortable in this, you know? And that's what I'm talking about. A life worthy of the calling you've received. What is it God's called you to do? And what are the boundaries you're going to have to put in place to ensure that you get there? Because you can't. Those people that just anything goes, I talked to them out of Ezekiel 47, where the river has no boundaries, it's a swamp. And nothing can live in a swamp. For a river to have life, it has to have banks. And banks are boundaries.

That's right.

And so if you want your life to flourish and it to be full, you're going to have to have. I don't get outside this line, and I don't get outside this line.

It's always people.

Always.

It's always people. You know, I think it's Alcoholics Anonymous says these are the things you have to evaluate. It's the people, the places and the things. It's always people, people. Because the Bible even says it's every joint we're part of. The body, the joint, the person that you're linked with, the relationship that's closest to you.

Supplies.

Supplies you something with something, whether it's good or bad or negativity or offense or traditionalism or pitiful mindset.

Hence, I go back. I go back to safe people. People that are supplying you.

Yep.

With something that will never allow you to be the person you've been called to be or reach your destiny. Then those are not safe people to do it.

No, they're not.

It doesn't mean they're bad, but they're not safe. To you. Okay, I'm a faith guy. My best friends can't be negative.

Right?

Faith and negative. They don't, you know, they have nothing in common.

That's right.

So if I'm a faith guy and I got negative complaining, gripen, critical. Going to corrupt me.

Yes.

Bad company. Corrupt.

So we choose not to be around that. So, you know, even in family, you know, like, my parents are older, they're 80 years old. And, you know, that is what it is. But sometimes I'll just have to say, daddy, you can't talk like that. Or I'll say, mama, don't speak that over yourself. And. Or I may even have to stop a conversation. I might have to say, well, that might be what you think, but, you know, we're not going to talk about that right now. We're not going to have that conversation because that's not what I believe. And that's not positive. That's not what the word says. You just have to create boundaries in your relationships.

And it's hard to do that because it takes guts. It does takes guts to do that. My. My hardest thing about doing that is I don't like to hurt people. I can't stand to hurt people. I'm not. I'm not built that way. Even in football, if I knew, I'd hit you and I'd hurt you. I stop. I'd stop and put out my hand to help you. But, I mean, I played the game and I played it intensely. But I don't like to hurt people with my words. I don't like. I never like to fight. I remember I would be around people that got me in fights and I'd be fighting and hating it the whole time. I didn't want to fight. I don't want to hit anybody in the face with my f. I don't like it. And so it's hard for me to pull back from a person that I know wants a relationship with me. But I know for me it's not positive. Right?

It's not safe. It's not safe for you, for your mindset, for your emotions, for where God's taking you. It's. We have to create boundaries. So what are some. Some attributes of unsafe people?

Let's talk about it. Yeah, right here. And the glasses. Go on.

Come on.

Okay.

It is what it is.

Give my. Give my. I try to hide it, but this is what gives it away. Personal traits of unsafe people. This is in Dr. Henry Cloud's book. And I remembered this when come back here and I went to find it unsaved people are the people that think they have it all together but never admit weakness.

Ooh.

Oh.

The ones who always find the weakness in other people but seem to never have totally bloved.

Just what Jesus said. Why do you talk about the speck inside of your brother's eye and you got this board hanging out your eye? It's the people that see what is wrong with everybody else, but to them, they are totally blind.

Okay, so y' all listening? Do you have any of those people in your life? Go on and put a big old around them. They're not safe for you.

Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual. Okay. Rules. What that means is they look down at anybody. They normally don't think that they're ever wrong. And they can be very critical to those who do not behave or conduct themselves the same way. That is not spirituality. That is religion. Let me tell you. Let me go on some of these other ones because he's got a bunch of them. Okay, you ready for this one?

Yep.

Unsafe people are defensive and never open to feedback.

I just sit here and take a deep breath. I know a few of those.

I mean, and then it writes two or three pages where you.

Where you try to give them feedback and they're like, why are you always so why are you pointing out? Why can't you just listen? Why can't you? And they won't. But you're loving them. You're trying to help them, trying to give them feedback.

Unsafe people are self righteous instead of humble. You got to understand, the only people Jesus fought with were those kind. Jesus didn't fight with sinners, but religious people, Pharisees. Every chance he got, he wore them out. He wore them out. Unsaved people are people that apologize but never repent, never change.

Oh, apologize.

They always come to you and tell you they're sorry, but they have no intention of changing their behavior because that.

Means you can't trust them. I'm sorry. I'm going to do this.

And I'm.

But yet you know what?

I'm going to do it again. And so you wait for the next bomb to go off. They apologize, but they do not repent. Repent means to change. It means to change your mind. And as a person thinketh, so is he. You will change your actions by changing your mind.

So that's an unsubstant.

So these are people who come back and say, ah, that's on me. I shouldn't have done that. But they're going to do it again. And you know they're going to do it again. So how long are you going to sit there while the bomb blast goes off on you? Unsaved people are people who avoid working on their problems and dealing with them. That bothers. That fundamentally bothers me. When you come to me with a.

Problem, you know you got an issue, but you won't do anything about it.

Let me tell you, I've always been amazed that people come and want to talk to you about their problems for an hour. Like you can wave a wand over them. No, I'm going to give you keys and tools that can correct this, but you have to go off and do it and do it. Implement, Implement. So if you keep coming to me to talk, but you never do what I ask you to do, you don't want my help, you want my attention. And attention is not helping you. So that frustrates me.

To change your personality traits that are wrong and we all have them to change them, it takes so much work. I mean, the work that I had to put in just to change a few things took a long time and it was hard.

Real change.

Yeah, real change.

Unsafe people demand trust but refuse to earn it. Unsafe people are unable to admit their faults. People that just cannot.

They don't have any.

They don't have any faults. And if they do, they cannot say I'm sorry. Just people that will not say I'm sorry. I don't get that. I tell people we were talking to some person one time. They talk about how hard it was for them to say I'm sorry. I said, I say that like 12 times before breakfast. I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean. I mean, it just rolls off my mouth if I'm inconvenienced you, if I screwed something up, if I forgot to turn this off before we went to. I'm sorry, I didn't. And there are other people they cannot say.

It's like. It's like vinegar.

They just can't say it. It's like it emits some deficiency on the inside of them. Unsafe people blame instead of take responsibility. When all of your problems are someone else's fault, you have no power to correct it.

Right?

The only time you have the power to correct things about your life that you don't like is, is when you realize other people didn't get you there, you got yourself there, or, you know.

A lot of people. And I, and I, we see this all the time. I mean, what were we watching the other night where I said, that is so Sad that these kids have been raised in homes like this. I mean, I'm talking about, like starvation, put in a room, you know, for days. And their parents, real legitimate biological parents, did not give them food or they would take a cactus and stick them in the back after they made them sit out in the sun all day as a form of punishment. And I said, this is so cruel. And I said to you, I said, they're going to have so much to come out of later in life. Well, they didn't ask for any of that. So, yes, their parents were the reason that they are struggling later in life. But even in that, their parents can't fix them. Their parents can't fix where they are. They've got to take responsibility to say, I didn't get myself here, but I'm.

Going to take it, but I'm going to.

Correct, yes, but I'm going to take the responsibility to get myself out of this.

That's what I was trying to say. Because people look at you and say, well, that was so cruel, Ron. Which is it? Those people aren't coming back and fixing you.

And it's out of season, too. If you're an adult listening to this and you say, you know, I was abused or I didn't get enough love or I didn't get enough attention, you're an adult. Yeah. Maybe your parents didn't and all of us parents mess up, but it's not going. It's out of season. Your parents can't take you back and you're 30 years old and give you all the attention you needed. Now it's your responsibility to take a hold of your life, take responsibility for it, get into counseling, get stuff fixed, deal with your issues and move forward.

You move forward. Nobody. Healing is never external. It's always internal.

Yes.

So nothing and no one from the outside can fix Ron?

No.

Okay. Somebody from the outside may have hurt Ron, but nobody from the outside can fix Ron. And that was what I was trying to say. Just a couple other things. Unsafe people live their life stagnant. They don't grow. Let me go back to this. When you choose a relationship, do you love who I'm going to become or you just love who I am? The relationships that usually end poorly is people who didn't love you, but they loved you in a season. And now that that season is coming to an end, you have the choice to repeat that season, to hold onto the relationship or say goodbye to the relationship, to become the next season that God has for you. Those are difficult. Goodbyes yeah, but I don't want to repeat a season for anybody.

And I want to grow. I want to become better for you. I want to be. I want to be better the longer I live. For my kids, for my grandkids, for my friends, for you, for my church people. You know, I don't want to feel like, oh, I'm all that in a bag of chips. And I don't have to shift and change any and grow any. As long as we're breathing, we need to be growing and changing and becoming better.

The last one, I want to point out, he's got a whole book of this.

Yes. Such a great book.

I'm just talking the headlines out of one chapter. Another one, he says it's people who lie to you. If you catch people in lies, red flags need to go up everywhere. Why? Because the bedrock of any real relationship is honesty. Honesty. If you don't have that, you don't really have a relationship. And so if you're constantly catching people where they've been dishonest with you, you got to run some red flags up the pole right there. Because there's going to. Some of those lies may seem innocent, but eventually there's going to be a lie that's going to hurt you if lying is all right with them.

Right. That's not safe.

That's not safe. That's not safe. Moving a relationship forward. And we probably need to start landing this plane here. I've been preaching this for years, and I've been preaching it out of John 15, where Jesus looked at his disciples and he said, I no longer call you servants, but I call you friends. Then he explains it. He said, because a servant doesn't know his master's business, this is how you take relationships in a progression. So you just met them and then one day they're your very closest friend. What happened in between? Information. You are not intimate because you crawled in bed with somebody. There are people crawling in bed that are renting each other for an hour and don't even know each other's name. That is not intimacy. Intimacy is information. And some of you have got to watch because what I have said, we release too much information before they have qualified to have that information. And especially wounded people.

I think we just go into relationships too casually. Bottom line, just way too casually. I know I was guilty of that for many years, just letting people come into my life.

You had a personality. You have a personality that immediately comes in. In a good way and breeds familiarity. You take the discomfort, out of the room. You. Well, I feel like I've just always known you. How many times have you heard that? But there was a side of that which was bad for you. It was bad for me because the information that it takes to create the familiarity, they ain't earned.

No. And I had to really start qualifying people in my life. And now, at 55, I have the healthiest friendships and relationships by far that I've ever had.

By far. Yeah. I've known all of your circles and all your friendships. I've never seen them this solid as healthy. And the people that you have them with are so healthy. I just.

And I think sometimes we get in our mind, though, as Christians, it's almost like a mind game. We feel like that that's too much work, or I'm putting too much thought into this, or I'm over scrutinizing too much. And I'm not talking about being judgmental or any of that.

But you're talking about your heart.

Yeah, but you are talking about your heart.

Guard your heart.

So you do. You really have to qualify, right?

Guard your heart. Because out of it flows the issues of life. Well, who causes the issues? It's always people. Always. Paul said, who has bewitched you? Oh, foolish Galatians. And I told him, who can separate us from the love of God? It's never what. It's always who. It's always who. You changed who, who did it. Who can separate you from me? It's always who. And I've always said, if God wants to bless you, he'll send a person. If the devil wants to curse you, he'll send a person. It's always relationships. So the people that I think give out information and create familiarity and close the gap too fast are usually people with wounds, especially divorced ones. Divorce wounds. You get the lady. She found out her husband was unfaithful. Her womanhood's destroyed, her esteem is destroyed. I'm not valuable, I'm not wanted, I'm not attractive. All those things a woman will feel, and then the next guy shows her a little bit of attention. She's sitting at Starbucks telling him everything. Everything.

Or a death. A spouse dies.

And that's where you got to be careful, because you're dying to talk, you're dying to.

For attention.

You're dying for attention. You're dying to have a friend, you're dying to have a conversation. And then all of a sudden, you get that moment, and it all comes out well. You've created so much familiarity and intimacy that you have someone that is totally unqualified for now. They carry around the most precious parts of you. And so that is what I would warn people. Information is what closes the gap on a relationship. You don't know me until I start telling you stuff about me. That's the only way you're going to know me. And you move people along from acquaintances to just met to acquaintances to friendships. You do that by sharing things, weaknesses, hurts, experiences, past preferences, dislikes, likes. When you start sharing all that, whether you intended to or not, you're creating. You're creating. You're removing the proximity from you and your person and you're breaking down the boundaries between you and the person. Like me. I have no boundaries with you. There's nothing about me you don't know. Nothing. You finish my sentences. You'll go get coffee before I ask for it. Like, you know I'm thinking it. That. But you are the only relationship on the planet I have like that. I used to marvel at these pastors. Pastor, me and you, we had a covenant. No, I'm not. I'm not in a covenant relationship. I'm in a covenant with God. I'm a covenant. My wife, not in a covenant relationship with you. Covenant means it can't be broken, right? Not in that. And so we throw around this stuff and don't really have any idea what it's implying. The fact is, you'll have a covenant with God and you'll have a covenant with your spouse. You don't have any other covenants outside of that. So don't treat the rest of the relationships like you do. Know the ones that need very defined boundaries. Know the ones where you need to break the boundaries down. Where do you and I create intimacy? We share our hopes, we share our fears. You share what hurts your feelings. I share with you where I struggle. And now what has that created?

Yeah. Tight bond.

Oh, man. Because we know we know each other. The same thing can happen at a Starbucks. And you don't even know what's happening with a stranger. That's what we can't allow to happen.

So evaluate these relationships.

You're not being bad if you make somebody earn you.

Right?

They can earn you.

And so you've got to look at these relationships. The people I'm talking about, the people closest to you, Are they safe? Are they religious versus spiritual? Can they be trusted? Do they think they're never wrong? Do they admit wrong? Do they change?

They apologize or repent?

Yes. Do they actually change?

Do they work on their problem? Do they lie?

Right.

All these Things. These are red flags.

Yes. And if there are red flags in. But beside those names, you.

You got to keep some distance.

Yeah.

It don't mean you examine of your life. It means distance.

Yeah.

Okay. I realize this right here and this right here is going on in your life, so I'll let you come to here.

Right. And then there might be some people you got to delete.

Yeah. I'll let some others come to here. And some other people you can't. You can't run with me.

Right.

Let me end with this. Write the vision down. Make it plain that they that read it may run with it. That tells me that God has already gone before me and positioned people in my life that at certain intervals will enter my life and run with me to help me get God's vision for my life to the next place. Some of them, and most of them will, at another time, exit.

And it's okay.

And it's okay. You don't have to character assassinate them.

You don't have to build them.

You don't have to dread. You don't have to demonize them, drag them through the streets. It's okay. Let them exit as gracefully as they entered. But there will be this very small group of people who go that are with you every season of your life because they didn't just love who you were, they loved who you were going to become.

So good.

Stop right there.

You need to get this book, too. He has not paid us to say this.

He don't even know me.

He don't know us.

He don't even know me.

We love Dr. Cloud, and he's got so many great resources, but this one. Safe People. How to Find Relationships that are Good for you.

Yep. Like I said, this is almost 300 pages. I just talked a little bit out of one chapter. So the long and short of it is, guys, you got to keep your heart whole to keep your life whole. And if the wrong people keep having access to your heart, you're going to be spending most of your energy cleaning up a mess.

And don't just evaluate the people in your life, evaluate you. Are you a safe person?

Are you a safe person?

Are you good for people? Do you have any of those characteristics that Ron read out of that little one chapter? Sometimes the truth is hard, but we got to hear it about ourselves so that we can shift and change y'.

All.

It's been great. Ron and Hope. Unfiltered, real, raw, relevant.

Guys, we appreciate you so much. Hope you got something out of this. Check the book. Out. Until next time. Blessings. We'll see you soon.