3 Keys to My Successful Marriage | Jack Canfield

Hi there. I'm Jack Canfield, and today I want to share with you three keys to my successful marriage that can help you also create more successful and authentic relationships with your spouse, your family members, or anyone in your life. My relationship with my wife, Inga, is the greatest source of joy of my life. And I adore her for how much she understands me and what I am about in life, my purpose, my mission, and my priorities. And for her unceasing love, her support, her amazing sense of humor, and her encouragement. Partners often drift apart because they never develop the deep sense of connection that's required to overcome the stumbling blocks that inevitably happen in every relationship. They share a bed, but not a life. They sit next to each other, but they never share their deepest thoughts and feelings with each other. And. And then one day they wake up to a stranger sleeping beside them. Now, good relationships are key to getting what you want from life. But what most people don't understand is creating and maintaining a successful relationship takes commitment, takes time, and it takes energy. So the first key to stronger, happier, and more fulfilling relationships is committing to being and expressing your authentic self. And that's a lot easier said than done. The truth is that most people put on masks and different Personas depending on the people they're with and the situations they find themselves in. They become chameleons in order to be accepted, to be liked, or to be loved. Now, in addition to time and energy, it takes courage and the willingness to be vulnerable, to tell the truth about your thoughts, your feelings, and your desires. To maintain a successful relationship, it takes courage to admit that you feel lost or scared or overwhelmed and discouraged. If you're supposed to be the boss at work or the breadwinner at home, it takes courage to admit that you're unhappy or dissatisfied with the relationship, that you're not getting your needs met or you're thinking about quitting your job, or that you find yourself being attracted to another person. But revealing your flaws actually makes you more appealing to your partner and. And to others. And taking off all those masks to express the parts of yourself that you'd rather keep hidden is going to naturally bring up feelings of awkwardness and discomfort, even fears of rejection. But I promise you, it'll be worth it because it'll bring greater authenticity and aliveness to your relationships. You know, I can remember a few years back being frustrated that my wife would often criticize my eating habits. The food I chose to eat, the amounts I was eating, and so on. And I began to feel irritated and resentful of her criticism. But in my commitment to being a positive person, I didn't bring it up inside. I was still feeling angry and like I wanted to get away from her when she did this, as uncomfortable as it was, I told her that I needed her to be less critical and more supportive of me, whatever my behavior was, and that I would take responsibility for my body and she should take responsibility for hers. And at that point, she told me that underneath her critical comments was her fear about my health and my longevity, and she didn't want to lose me to a heart attack or an early death. And her concerns and fears touched me really deeply. As a result, I started eating even more consciously than I had been, and she made a commitment to support me and accept me with less judgment, whatever I was doing, whatever I was eating. And the result was, I now eat better, and she is a lot less critical in every area of my life, not just food. Now, that uncomfortable conversation of truth telling helped transform the quality of our relationship. And by the way, a powerful communication tool that we now both use instead of criticizing the other person, is this simple formula for effective feedback that helps avoid defensiveness and counterattack. It goes like this. When you blank, I tell myself, fill in the blank, and then I feel blank. And my request is that you blank. So let me give you an example of that. Instead of saying, I hate it when you criticize my eating, especially in front of other people, now you would say, when you eat bread and butter before dinner and then you order dessert afterwards, I tell myself that you're going to have a heart attack. And then I feel scared that you're going to die and I'll be left alone. And my request is that you eat fewer refined carbohydrates. It's amazing how powerful this simple tool is for creating conversations that actually bring you closer together rather than creating more separation. Now, the second key to my successful marriage is quality time. You and your partner's definition of quality time may be different, but you need to constantly set aside time to connect with each other in the best way that works for each of you to continually build upon your relationship. When I spend quality time with Inga, I give her my full attention. With the TV off, my computer and phone are put away, I give her full eye contact, and I actively listen and respond to what she's saying. She loves to go on long walks together with me or sit by her pool and have long conversations. And when we do this, she feels seen, she feels heard, and she feels ultimately deeply connected to the third aspect is to set goals. It's one of the most powerful of all the success principles, and while people use it at work and in their professional life, I notice people rarely use it in the context of achieving healthy, intimate relationships. Believe it or not, goal setting is sexy. Defining what you want and going for it with gusto is very appealing to your partner. But remember, it's not enough to say that you want to spend more quality time together. As I've stated many times, vague goals produce vague results. If you want real results, you have to be specific and state your goal in a way that's measurable. You have to state how much or how many and by when. For example, I will take my spouse out to dinner at least once a month and schedule one evening a week to hang out together without any TV or cell phones so we can spend more time talking and enjoying each other's company. That's measurable. Just like we talked about before with being your authentic self, setting relationship goals means probably confronting some long standing fears and roadblocks. Maybe setting the goal of spending more quality time with your spouse makes you realize you'll need to say no to your boss when he asks you to stay later, come in on the weekends, or maybe you'll have to confront your fear of talking about your feelings. But it's important to remember that there's always a solution to any obstacle. You just have to look for it. Perhaps you can ask your boss if you can come in a couple hours early on one or more of the weekdays so you can make sure you get your evenings and your weekends off. Now, every December, Ing and I take an afternoon or an evening and we set goals for the next year. These include how many vacation days we're going to take, how many evenings we're going to schedule with friends, how many days we're going to spend with our children and grandchildren, how many days we're going to attend a meditation or a spiritual retreat, and what quality we're going to focus on for the year, such as love, acceptance, authenticity, fun or courage. One year we agreed to reread Don Miguel Ruiz's book the Four Agreements and practice implementing one of those agreements, which are be impeccable with your word, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions, and always do your best so that by working on one each quarter we could master them all in one year. Now, obviously there's a lot more that goes into creating more successful and authentic relationships, but I want you to try one of these as your homework assignment. Whether you're married just in a relationship or just want to work on your general relationships over, well, I guarantee this will bring more joy into them. And keep this in mind. Be patient. It may take your spouse, your partner, your family member, or a friend time to face their own fears of roadblocks before being able to meet you halfway. But pretty soon, if you're committed to it, you will solve the problem together. Thank you for watching. And remember, nothing will change for the better until you do. Now, if you found this video helpful, make sure you like it, share it with a friend who may need it, and subscribe to my channel. For more videos like this one, and for some additional resources on how to improve your relationships, visit my website@jackcampfield.com.