5 Effective Communication Tips | Jack Canfield

You know, I've been thinking a lot about how we communicate with each other these days. And with all of the problems, the divisiveness, mistrust and uncertainty in the world right now, effective communication skills are more important than ever. So many of our disagreements or arguments, and even so, much of the violence we're seeing stem from an inability to communicate properly and effectively. If we could just learn to express ourselves more clearly, more authentically and vulnerably and transparently, and really learn to listen to each other with open hearts and open minds, just imagine how things, things could be different and what we could accomplish. So that's why today I would like to share with you five communication skills that I want to encourage you to learn and master over time. If you want to achieve your personal and professional goals and create the life you want to live at every level, including in the society at large. Because achieving success and creating a life that works for yourself, your family and your community, it's not a solo sport. You're going to need the, the buy in, the help, the support and the collaboration of other people to accomplish your goals, whatever they might be. And knowing how to communicate effectively is one of the most important keys to getting that support and building that collaboration at home, at work, and in the wider world. Now, whether it's with your 11 year old son, your spouse, your boss, a co worker, your business partner, a customer, a client, a supervisor, your neighbor, a town council member, or even your state senator, the same principles and techniques apply. You see, communication is the lifeblood of any relationship in any business. And it can be difficult if you don't have the skills you need. And unfortunately, these skills are not taught in most schools and colleges. And adding to the challenge of communicating today is the fact that so much of our communication is now done digitally by text. Instant messaging, Instagram and Facebook posts, Facetime, zoom calls and phone calls. And think about this. Short typed messages, often with auto correction happening you don't even know about, opens you up to all kinds of misinterpretations and short phrases and slogans like Black lives matter versus all lives matter and defund the police. And terms like liberal, progressive and conservative can totally mean different things to different people. And those misunderstandings can lead to all kinds of unfortunate and negative consequences. Job loss, divorce, families not talking to each other, violence and even war. That's why it's so important to learn how to become more mindful and intentional rather than unconscious in your communicating. So I want to share with you five principles and communication skills that will help you do a better job of connecting and communicating with others, even in less than ideal circumstances like we're living through today. Now, the first one is a profound communication principle that comes from the book the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. And if you haven't read that book, I highly recommend it. You know, my wife and I made a year long study of it and it really helped our relationship. And the first agreement he teaches in the book is be impeccable with your word. And what that means is to speak with integrity, which means to say what you mean and mean what you say. Now, as I just mentioned, words have the power to create or destroy, and a careless comment can alter a relationship forever. So it's a good idea to choose your words carefully and consider their impact before you put them out there in the world. So before you speak or write, I want you to ask yourself these four Is it necessary, Is it true, Is it kind, and is it helpful? If you don't get yeses to those questions, then don't say it. You know, when you say frivolous, untrue, mean or unhelpful things, it doesn't create a sense of trust or connection in the other person you're communicating with. They're more likely to think I can't trust him. Well, that wasn't very nice, or that didn't help much, or I wonder what she says about me when I'm not around, or I don't want to spend my time with this person, or I don't want to do business with this person. And that's not going to help you create the kind of trusting and collaborative relationships you need to succeed in life and in business. And by the way, the same guideline also goes for the words you say to yourself. You see, negative self talk such as I'm so stupid, I'm a bad person or I'm a failure are just as harmful to yourself as spreading unfounded gossip about another person. So you need to become impeccable with the words you say to yourself as well as the words that you say to other people. It will definitely take time to achieve the state of impeccability with your word. I get that, but the effort is totally worth it. Now, whenever you're experiencing anything other than happy and wonderful, stop and ask yourself what words am I saying to myself? And then stop it and replace it with words of acceptance and affirmation. This is going to boost your self esteem and make it easier for you to maintain a positive mindset, which will also serve to make you an even better communicator with others. Now, the next communication tip I have for you also comes from the Four Agreements. And it's this. Don't take anything personally. Now, you need to remember that when someone gives you negative feedback or says something hurtful or critical about you, it says way more about that person than it does about you. You see, everybody sees the world through their own unique perspective. And their thoughts and beliefs about how you should be or you shouldn't be are their own thoughts. They actually have nothing to do with you. Nothing they think about you is really about you at all. Now, one of the most important lessons I ever learned is this. What other people think of you is none of your business. And that is so true. If someone offers you a piece of helpful advice that you can use to get better results or become a better person, then for sure listen to that advice and use it as you see fit. But if someone gets angry or is upset with you, understand that they're dealing with their own issues. And it's those issues that are prompting them to act and speak the way they do. And that's why you should never let another person's judgment of you impact the way you perceive yourself. When you become immune to the negative comments and careless actions of others, it will be so much easier for you to avoid the misunderstandings and and the negative feelings that can become major barriers to effective communication and effective relationships. Now, my third tip, which is the last one I'll be sharing from the Four Agreements, is don't make assumptions. This is one of the most important communication skills that you need to master because it's so easy to make the mistake of jumping to conclusions and assuming we know what the other person means by their communication or by their lack of communication. When someone is being silent, we often assume that we know what they are thinking. But the truth is, you can never really know what another person is thinking unless you ask them. And here are two phrases I'd like you to memorize. When you divide the word assume a s s u M e into three words, it spells out it makes an ass out of you and me both. And that's what happens. And the other phrase I want you to memorize is, when in doubt, check it out. If you're not sure what the other person is thinking or feeling or trying to say, ask them. Check it out. Now, another great phrase to always have ready is, do you mean like in, when you say you don't want to go to the party, do you mean you don't want to spend time with me? Are you mad at me? Or do you mean you are tired? You don't want to see other people? Do you mean you still like to go out, but you'd rather do something else with just me? Now, if you don't check it out, all you really know is what you think they're thinking. And that's where huge misunderstandings can occur. Now, misunderstandings like these can lead to arguments and hurt feelings and cause both personal and business relationships to dissolve. And that's why it's so important to resist the urge to make assumptions instead of asking clarifying questions. One of the secrets to success is always have the courage to seek the truth. Even if you're worried that the truth might be painful to hear. It's always better to know what's really happening and respond to that instead of making assumptions and responding to situations that don't even actually exist. And this leads me to the next communication skill that's probably the most critical skill for everyone on the planet to master, and that is the skill of effective listening. Now, the undeniable truth is that so many of us are terrible listeners. We pretend we're listening, but we're really just thinking about what we're going to say next. We're rehearsing. We're so worried about getting our point across, we pay very little attention to what the other person is trying to say. And there can never be effective communication without both parties being as focused on the listening part as they are on the speaking part. Because if you aren't really listening and responding to what the other person is actually saying, ultimately all you're really doing is having a conversation with yourself. Now, here's an invaluable tip. Whenever you're having an important conversation could be with your spouse or your partner, with a child, with an employee or a customer, or someone on the other side of the political divide. Let them go first. Don't interrupt them and argue with them. Let them empty themselves out first. Remember this. You can't pour water into a full glass. You have to let the water out before you can have more put in. Instead, really listen to their point of view. Be curious. How is it that they've come to feel this way, to have this point of view? What is it that they are needing you to hear? Now, this takes a commitment to really want to know what the other person is experiencing and needing. And I can tell you from my experiences, having worked with couples, corporate teams, and diverse community groups, it takes time for people to really feel they've been heard. But if you invest the time and the intention to do that, they will then be ready to hear you and what you're experiencing, what you're needing, and what you're wanting. And by the way, a really great technique you can use to facilitate and practice this kind of listening is a technique we call a heart talk. Now, in a heart talk, whether it's between two people, like a husband and wife or a group of people sitting in a circle at a staff meeting, the person who is speaking holds a physical object, like a ball or a stuffed animal or a water bottle, and talks for as long as they need to about the topic at hand without anyone interrupting them, disagreeing with them, or stealing the focus until that person is totally complete with whatever they want to say. And then the person passes the object to the other person or to the next person in the group. Now, I've successfully used this technique within my own family, with corporate groups, I've worked with teams, all kinds of people. Now you can read more about it. And actually, there's some ground rules you can apply in chapter 49 of my book, the Success Principles. Now, let me say one more thing about when in doubt, check it out. Sometimes, when you've done your best to listen closely to someone, you may not have heard exactly what it was they were trying to say. And that's why it's so important for you to double check and make sure you've really understood them correctly. And the easiest way to do that is, is before you speak, to say, so what I'm hearing you say is, and then repeat back to them what you think they were saying, what they meant to say, and then give them the opportunity to clarify any misunderstandings that you might have before you respond to them. So it's always best to make sure you're really responding to what they're really saying instead of what you think they're saying. So those are the five communication skills I encourage you to practice and eventually master if you want to have better relationships and and achieve more of what you want in life. So this week I encourage you to slow down and pay more attention to how you're communicating, whether it's on a zoom call with your team or at home with your friends or your loved ones. And as you communicate with them, ask yourself, am I being impeccable with my word? Am I taking their words and actions personally? Am I making assumptions? Am I being a good listener? Am I making sure that I really understand what they're saying? And practice these new communication skills so that you're able to connect more deeply and more fully with the important people in your life and maybe take one of them a day and practice it all day long in every conversation, and then the next day practice another one. Most of how we communicate is unconscious. They're unconscious habits. I want you to take the time to develop these new habits and I promise you it will be worth it. Let me know what you think in the comments. Thanks again for watching, and here's to cultivating great relationships and creating a life you love. Now, if you found this video helpful, please make sure you like it, share it with a friend who may need it, and subscribe to my channel for more videos like this one, and for additional communication tools and resources, be sure to visit jackcampfield.com and check out the links in the description below.