How Men and Women Communicate Differently | Jack Canfield

Hi, I'm Jack Canfield, and today I want to talk to you about how men and women communicate differently and how men can use this knowledge to improve your personal relationships. I like to say that men and women are equal, but different. We are equally valuable to society and we deserve to be treated with equal fairness and respect. And we deserve the same freedom to pursue and achieve our goals in life, whatever those goals may be. But just because men and women are equal, that doesn't mean we're the same. Research shows that men's and women's brains are actually wired differently and that affects the way we show up in the world and how we communicate. For example, men tend to communicate more through their actions than their words. They want to build things and fix things and improve things. They want to prove how helpful they are. This behavior dates back to prehistoric times when men did most of the hunting and proved their worth by providing for their family. So when a woman tells a man about a problem, his immediate instinct is to fix it. He might offer her advice on how to solve the problem, or he might offer to just fix it for her, to handle it totally for her. Or he might immediately spring into action and try to solve the problem himself. Now, this approach to communication can lead to problems because women don't necessarily want men to solve their problems for them, unless of course, they ask for it. What they want is to be heard and understood. When they're communicating about their problems and challenges, they want someone to listen to them and to be there for them emotionally. And so when a man, wanting to be helpful, automatically jumps in and tries to solve the woman's problem for her, it can send the wrong message. He might inadvertently insult her by suggesting obvious solutions she's already tried or thought about. Or she might think he believes she's not capable of solving the problem on her own. And that can make her feel offended, hurt, or even angry. But the man wasn't trying to be insulting or dismissive. He just saw a problem and thought, I must help. Now, it's like waving a flag in front of a bull. A man sees a problem and he wants to fix it. It's built into our DNA. So women, if you find yourself getting irritated by men automatically jumping in to immediately solve whatever situation, problem or challenge you want to talk about, remember, it's not a statement about you or your abilities. It's just men acting on their knee jerk desire and to fix whatever is broken. And then I'd like to teach you three powerful words you can use. Every time a woman opens up to you about a challenging relationship, a problem at work, or any other challenge she's experiencing. Instead of automatically rushing in to try and solve the problem, take a deep breath and then say these simple three words. Tell me more. And then really listen to her hearing what it is she has to say about the problem. Let her know you've heard her by reflecting back what you think she said by saying, so what I hear you saying is. And then tell her what you think you just heard. You can also reflect back what you think she might be feeling. You can say, oh, that must be really frustrating, or I can see why you'd be so upset and confused by what he did. If you need more information, go ahead and ask her questions about it. Learn why it has upset her, how it's affecting her, and what attempts she's already made to solve it. And if she's looking to solve the problem, ask her what she's thinking of trying next. And when it seems like she has run out of things to say, only then ask her, is there anything I can do to help? Don't, and I repeat, don't offer suggestions unless she asks for them. Because most women want to come to their own solution, and often the easiest way for them to do that is to talk it out. They like to weigh their options and consider the possible outcomes before they decide on the best course of action. Men, on the other hand, are more likely to spring into action without fully considering everything first and then react to new developments as they arise. Or men like to go off and think about it by themselves, not necessarily talk about it, and then once they've come to a decision, then they go into action. Now, both of these approaches, men's and women's, can be effective, and one isn't necessarily better than the other. But they are different or and these differing male and female behavior patterns are based on millennia of social evolution. Now there's another aspect to all of this as well. If you haven't read the book the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, I highly recommend it. In his work with couples, he's discovered that there are five different love languages, and we each have our own language the way we experience that we are loved. The five love languages are quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, nurturing touch, and gifts. If someone's love language is quality time, they need periods of uninterrupted full attention, total presence, and listening. People whose love language is words of affirmation need to be reassured with words of appreciation and compliments, both verbal and written for who they are and what they do. People whose love language is acts of service need to be shown by your actions of helping out with cooking or cleaning up, surprising them with breakfast in bed, opening the door for them, doing chores without being asked, offering to pick up the kids or take the dog for a walk, and remembering to pick up the dry cleaning. Now, people whose love language is nurturing touch need to be hugged, kissed, have their hands held, be snuggled with and massaged. And people whose love language is gifts need just what it says. Gifts, flowers, jewelry, books, candles, candy, their favorite wine, CDs, theater tickets, stuffed animals, meaningful cards, or a framed photo you took of them. Now, my wife's love language is quality time, which means I have to be a really good listener. I have to set aside time to make sure that she can talk about whatever she wants without me interrupting or without me trying to fix it. And that can be hard because I'm in the business of helping people. That's what I do. But because she's a woman and her love language is quality time, I have to really make an effort to just be present and listen. Now, my love language, by the way, is nurturing touch followed by words of affirmation. So if you ever see me, feel free to ask me for a hug or tell me how much my work has impacted your life, and I'll feel very much loved by that. So now that you know about these differences I've been talking about, think about how you can use this knowledge to communicate more effectively with the opposite sex. And let me give you one suggestion for the women, which is, if you're finding it difficult to receive clear or detailed responses to your questions of mental health in your life, it might be a sign that you need to ask more focused questions. For example, if you ask a man, how was your day? The answer you get is usually fine, all right, horrible, whatever. But if you make your question more specific and action oriented and say, what did you do today? You're likely to get a completely different response. Oh, I had a good meeting with my boss and I got that new project with the music studio done. Had the best slice of pizza from the new place across the street from the office. It's a simple but effective way to improve your communication with your man or with men in general. Alright, now remember that women tend to show intimacy by sharing their feelings, while men tend to express their caring through their actions. And when you understand this about each other and act on that understanding, you'll be able to communicate on a deeper level and enjoy richer, more satisfying relationships. And remember to check out those love languages as well and see if you can figure out what is the love language of the person you're in a relationship with, persons you work for, whatever, and see if you can speak to them in their language so they actually feel appreciated, loved, valued and honored. Okay, so here's your homework. I want you to complete this after watching this video, identify one or two actions you can take today to improve communication with your loved ones of the opposite sex. One of the things you could do is share this video with them so they can learn from it as well. I'd also love to hear any questions or comments you might have, so please leave a comment or any question you have below. I'd love to hear what you have to say. So thanks for watching. And remember, nothing in your life will change for the better until you do. Now, if you found this video helpful, make sure you like it, share it with a friend who may need it, and subscribe to my channel. For more videos like this one, and for some additional resources on communication and relationships, visit my website@jackcampfield.com thanks again for watching.