How to Attract Relationships | Jack Canfield

Hi there.

I'm Jack Canfield and I'm here with Patty Aubrey, the president of the Canfield training group. And for those of you who may not know Patty, she's the business genius who's been with me growing our business and our brands of Chicken Soup for the Soul and success principles for the past 30 years. She's also a multiple New York Times bestselling author, as well as an incredible coach who co leads the mastermind groups we do and who coaches many of our top students.

Hi, everyone. I'm excited to be here with Jack again, sharing our advice on how to achieve your goals and create a life you truly love. This week we're going to answer a question from a student who's wondering how to use Jack's proven success principles to attract more friendship and romance into her life. Here's what she wrote to us. My breakthrough goal is to work on my relationships. This includes having more close friends and in particular, an attentive partner. I have one in mind, but unsure how to manifest this as I don't know if my feelings are reciprocated. Well, there's kind of only one way to find out. That's simply to share your feelings or ask them if they are interested. But I know it's hard. And also if they want to take the relationship to a new level. But what would you say about that?

Well, one of our success principles called tell the truth faster.

Yes.

And if you, nobody can relate back to you and move the relationship forward if you don't share with them that you're attracted to them and you'll find out pretty quickly if they want to do that, the question often becomes, well, how do I do that? It feels really awkward. You know, one of the things you can do is simply create a date. Not necessarily want to go on a date, but simply say, hey, I know you're interested in soccer and I know there's a great game coming up and I got a couple of tickets. Would you like to go with me? Or I know you like this certain kind of music and there's a concert coming up. Or I found this new restaurant that's really incredible Italian food. I know you like Italian food. Would you want to go check that out with me? And that's a way to get into, you know, having some time to spend together. And then when you're in that space, you can ask them, hey, you know, the fact is I'm really attracted to you. I'm just wondering if the feeling is mutual. I'd like to develop a Relationship, or at least explore that. If it's something you'd be willing to do, are you interested? And they're either going to say yes or no. And here's the deal. A lot of people are so afraid they're going to get a no. But guess what, you already have a no.

Yeah, that's true.

So it's going to continue being a no until you test it out. And if they don't reciprocate, it didn't get worse because it's not worse than what you already have, which is not a relationship with them. So the other thing I would say another success principle, you know, if that doesn't work out for you, and I hope it does, is that you have to define what kind of relationship do you want to have, who do you want to be with. So obviously you're attracted to a certain person. Think about what are the qualities that you're attracted to in that person and if you want a long term relationship, what are the qualities you want in that person? We had an employee a long time ago, Mike Foster.

He had to make a list.

Mike decided he wanted to get in a relationship. I think he went on match.com or something like that. And he made a list of 52 things he wanted in a person. He wanted to marry, he wanted to be vegetarian. He wanted to love the outdoors, to love nature. He wanted them to already have children because he didn't want to have to go through the baby stage. He wanted them to not smoke. He wanted them to be someone who was not too dependent on him. Anyway. Lots of different would allow him to travel because he was a consultant.

Right.

He got 48 of those things in a relationship he finally found. And one of the things that's valuable if you focus on that and then start visualizing the person that would have those kind of qualities, make a list. And what Mike did, he believed in God. So he created this outbox to God and he would put like, you know, a purchase order to God for this perfect person. And we've taught that to a lot of people and it's actually worked out pretty well for them. So just a, a thought about getting clear. What do you want?

I always say to a lot of my friends, especially my younger friends, also think about what you don't want because sometimes we don't even know what we want. And so when you have your I don't want list, it's a lot easier to look at the opposite of that and create the I want because we're just so used to Our minds kind of tend to go to the negative side and like attracts like. So the more you're kind of in that space, your vibration's low and you're not going to attract the person of your dreams. So in order to up your vibration, look at that list. Be okay with that list. Because don't settle. This is the one area in your life that I would say you cannot settle. It's not an option.

But just to clarify on that, put a line down in the middle of the paper on one side, what you don't want, don't want a person who's too controlling. Then you want someone who gives you a lot of freedom. So always take the opposite of that. That's what finally your I want list is. But start with the. Because if you focus on the don't want, you're going to get more of what you don't want. But it's a great way to get that I want list clarified for yourself.

As I say, mine was I don't want someone who doesn't believe in self help.

There you go.

I was true about that. I was very clear about what I didn't want, what I wanted when I met my husband and I got it.

Yeah.

And I wasn't willing to settle.

All right. So another thing is believe it's possible. Another one of our principles. So you got to start with the belief that you're going to get that person. You know, there's a story someone told me about a woman he was coaching once who believed that all the good men in town were taken. That was her belief. All the good men are taken. Now, if you believe that, then you're going to be depressed. You're not going to be looking for the man that's out there and you're not going to be open to him when they come along because you won't think it's him. So what you want to do is have a belief like there's a perfect person in the world for me. They're coming right now. They're on their way. And until they get here, I'm going to have a great time enjoying all the relationships so I can find and have fun with people and friends until that shows up. But you're starting with the belief that it's going to come and start with the belief that you're worthy of the kind of person you want. One of the things we see people is a lot of people don't feel worthy of a great relationship and so they settle for what they think is possible than going for what they want. So believe in yourself and your positive qualities. And I would also say with that, you have to be a vibrational match for the person you want to attract. So if you want to attract someone who's loving and kind, you need to be loving and kind.

Absolutely.

You need to be the person you want to have the relationship with, not hoping they'll come along and be that for you.

Well, I think that was what you were saying earlier, too, about tell the truth faster. It's about transparency and authenticity, and this might be the time in your life that you have to take it to a whole new level. One of my friends always says, you know, you can act as if you're somebody, but that is not scalable to be somebody other than you really are. So embrace your whole self, the good, the bad, whatever is there, acknowledge it, and then go for who you want to become and who you want to bring into your life. And I love that piece. If you just go out and act as if the perfect moment's going to happen and you're going to meet that perfect person, it allows you to be more curious about the people in your life. Like, oh, is this going to be the person?

That's right.

Make it a game, and don't be upset when it's not that person. And be grateful that you realize it now and that you move on to the next thing. But you might, as you go along, actually add a few more things that you want that you found out about other people to your list. So make this a really fun experiment and have fun doing it. What's the next principle?

Well, and also, you were talking about friends as well as the D1, you know, and I would say if you want to have friends in your life, figure out what kind of friends you want to have, how many, what would their interest be, how you would. How much time would you spend with them? We have friends that, like, I know a couple women who every year take six women. They go to a spa for a week in Mexico, and it's something that's an annual event for them. So think about what would it be like to have the relationships you want. And then use affirmations and visualizations. So our next principle is use the law of attraction. Visualize having the life you want to have with those people so that you're creating the feelings, your body, of what that feels like, and that raises your vibration up to attract the kind of people that you want to be in those relationships with. So it's critical to practice love and joy and Peace and harmony and appreciation.

I mean, I think we were joking earlier, Dave. I thought, you know. And then stay tuned for our book, what to expect when you say I do. But really being that transparent person and also hanging out with people that might feel like they're just a little bit above you, but they hold you to a new standard and they hold you accountable and then you show up more. My mom used to always say, you're known by the company you keep. And if you're keeping the right company, your company might know somebody who you want to marry or date.

Well, you have been a. I'm a matchmaker. I was going to say you have introduced a lot of people to each other because they're playing in our field of people who are growth oriented, people who are positive, compassionate, loving, want more out of life. And so they're really meant for each other.

Yeah, but it's appreciating the differences and knowing your weaknesses. But they're okay because you find that other person that's strong in that area and you appreciate it. What you don't want to do is try to make you just like me and me just like you. Because that wouldn't be a good show.

Right. And finally, I would say the last principle would be take action. So it's, you know, you're not going to. We had a woman who once was a nanny and she never left the house and the people she was working for. And she kept expecting the person that she was going to fall in love with to walk into her life. We helped her get out of that house, start going to groups, start taking some workshops, start going to church, doing different things so that she could actually meet people. As one of our friends says, if you want to catch a moose, you got to go where moose are.

Like Canada. Exactly.

In the north. So basically, and I remember once I saw someone and talked to them, they were running a workshop on how to marry a millionaire. You want to marry a millionaire, you got to go where millionaires hang out. They hang out at country clubs. They hang out at the Ritz Carlton. They fly in first class. So again, think of the kind of people you want to be with and ask, where are they hanging out at? And then get yourself into those situations. Maybe it's the professional association, maybe it's a club in town. Maybe it's other people who love to do things you love to do, like, you know, bowling or playing music or.

Dancing, whatever it might be, or even something totally different. I mean, we had a challenge this weekend and it was hang out with friends and do something different. And so I went and hung out with a friend and she belongs to an exotic car club. And so I met 100 people, female race car drag racers that I got to drive with in different cars. It was such a blast.

Was that the one in Montecito?

Yeah. No, I was all the way down through LA and all over the place.

I read Bottle.

Anyway, it was a totally different experience. I met about 80 new people. They only had to meet me, so that was kind of unfair because they all had to remember Patty and I had to remember lots of names. But it was a really cool thing to do and it got me out of my comfort zone and it gave me a new awareness of. Of what other people are like without like, don't judge a book by its cover kind of thing, you know, because I thought they'd all be kind of macho and they were really amazing people.

Cool.

So there you go.

All right. So there you go. Those are some principles you can apply to find the relationships that you want and to begin to be your authentic self. Let people know you're looking for friends, you're looking for a relationship. Don't be shy about that. And if you do that, you're going to find what you want. And of course we've just been talking about one of the best ways to find new relationships is to join new communities of like minded people so you can meet people who share your passions and your interests and see where those friendships lead. Now I might be biased, but I think the absolute best community is the people who attend our self empowerment trainings and our workshops. And it's been humbling and awe inspiring to see my book the success principles and our breakthrough to success trainings and our momentum mastermind groups and our reignite your life coaching groups in our train. The trainer trainings have attracted a community of positive, enthusiastic, compassionate and loving and goal focused people who are all on a journey to become their best selves and live their best lives. So if you're looking for a community of people who will support you, encourage you and be open to connecting on a more deeper and more meaningful level, I encourage you to attend one of my online or offline workshops. I promise you'll never meet a better group of people. And since we're talking about finding the one today, the one person you want, I can tell you there have been several marriages between people who've met each other in those groups. And for more information on all these programs and groups, be sure to check out the links in the description below. And for additional tools and videos on how to cultivate positive relationships and attract who and what you want into your life, make sure to check out the resource page on my website@jackhamfield.com there's a ton of great resources there, so thanks again for watching and have a great day.