Jack Canfield teaches the mirror exercise: look yourself in the eye daily, name your accomplishments, and say "I really love you" for 90 days. He also recommends mastermind groups, role play, and low-stakes practice to build confidence and become a situational extrovert.
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Hi there, I'm Jack Canfield, and today I'm going to talk to you about how to overcome shyness and build your self esteem. Back in the late 1980s, I did a lot of work in the field of education, helping teachers and school administrators bring self esteem training into the classroom. And we discovered that if students felt more confident about themselves and their abilities, they were willing to stretch and take more risk to students, which improve the learning process by making them less afraid of failure. And one byproduct of building confidence is that you tend to be less shy about speaking up, offering your ideas and showing the world your best self. You might think it's odd that someone like me who's been teaching self esteem principles and self esteem building methods for 40 years could be shy. But I am naturally more introverted than I am extroverted. It takes a lot of focus and energy for me to interact with other people. And I've learned to be what one of my friends calls a situational extrovert. I can be outgoing when I need to, like when I'm speaking, training and attending conferences. Now, one of the techniques I've recommended over the years to help people build their self esteem and their self confidence is called the mirror exercise. It's based on the theory that we all need acknowledgement, but that the most important and powerful acknowledgement is from ourselves. And most of us were programmed out of that when we were children by being told not to brag. The mirror exercise gives your inner child the positive strokes it needs to empower it to pursue further achievements. And it also helps change any negative or limiting beliefs you might have toward receiving praise, which ultimately puts you in a much more achieving mindset. So I want you to set aside a couple of minutes toward the end of each day when you'll have quiet time and relax and take a few breaths. And then think about any accomplishments you've achieved during the day. Big or small, it doesn't matter. Maybe you met a deadline or you got a project done early, maybe you saved and deposited more money into your emergency fund, or you paid off a debt. And then when you're ready, I want you to stand or sit in front of your mirror and begin by saying, you insert your own name, like, my name is Jack. I want to appreciate you for the following things today. Then acknowledge yourself for everything you did that was a success. Now, if I were doing this tonight, my mirror exercise might sound like this. Jack, I want to appreciate you for the following things today. You got up on time. You meditated for half an hour. You worked out in the gym for 40 minutes. You got the forward to John's book written on time. You handled that staff meeting really well. You made that cold call to a potential new distributor. You went to lunch and you ate a healthy salad. You worked out before dinner and you kept your body in shape and at home. You spent quality time with your wife after dinner. And you finish prioritizing and planning your top priority to do list for tomorrow. And then when you're done acknowledging your successes, then look yourself in the eye. And this is often the hardest part for most people. And say one more thing, Jack. I want you to know I really love you. Now, the first time you do this exercise, you may feel awkward, weird, and maybe a lot of other emotions. In fact, you may find yourself thinking, this is stupid. I want you to know that that's totally normal because you're breaking a habit of not affirming yourself and it's awkward. Now, the truth is that very few of us know what it's like to totally acknowledge ourselves. And while you may be uncomfortable in the beginning, I want you to keep at it. You know, I've had grown men, key executives in major companies, tell me how much better they feel about themselves and their confidence after doing this exercise for just a week. Now, ideally, I want you to do the mirror exercise diligently for at least three months. And after 90 days of acknowledging your successes, your confidence level will skyrocket and you'll be much more willing to take the actions that will uplevel your success. Now, one other way to build your confidence and overcome shyness is to get involved in a mastermind group or recruit an accountability partner who can support you when you're faced with situations where you need to stay strong. They can actually create a safe space where you can build that new muscle. Now, they can help you practice specific situations, even role play with you, creating hypothetical scenarios where you're not attached to the outcome. I call these high intention, low attachment activities. Situations where you intend to get the best result possible and you work hard to do so, but if it doesn't happen the way you envision, you don't fall apart over it. But perhaps the best way to practice high self esteem and overcome shyness is to build the habit of being confident when it doesn't really matter. Ask for something where you don't really need a yes. Practice getting to yes, but don't criticize yourself or feel bad if it doesn't happen. You know, my biggest area around shyness is when it comes to selling, to asking people to buy. You know, I love to teach great on the stage. I'm a great teacher, but I've learned that being learning how to sell, learning to risk rejection, learning to have people think maybe I don't really care about them, I'm just there to make money, which is not the truth. Or they're thinking that, you know, he's just trying to sell me something and I don't want to be sold. I just want to came here to learn. Maybe I'm going to risk their trust, whatever. That's always been difficult for me. However, I've learned that, that if I don't learn how to sell, nothing happens. And so I've had to become that situational extrovert I talked about earlier and just be willing to learn how to make an offer, how to ask people to buy, how to handle objections, how to tell people all the benefits of doing it. There's things you can learn that give you the skills and the confidence in any kind of activity, whether it's having a conversation. You know, the best conversation I ever had with someone, I think the guy only said about 10 things. He would ask me a question, I would answer it, he'd ask me another question. How about this? Where do you live? How did you meet your wife? Do you have children, et cetera. And at the end of that, I thought he was the coolest guy in the world. And I realized I didn't know a thing about him, but I loved being the center of his attention. So you can learn things like that to make yourself more comfortable in social situations. And then you're confident that you have the skills you need to be able to handle any situation that you might find yourself in. So if I can do it, I know you can do it. Now, today, in addition to the transformational training and coaching that we do to help people grow in every area of life, we also teach people how to be more confident and overcome any shyness they might be experiencing. And so to help you build confidence and get started on an overall path to success, I want to leave you with a bit of homework. Obviously, I want you to do the mirror exercise every day for three months. Work with others to help you practice speaking your truth, share your feelings and asking for what you want. And you probably won't recognize yourself even a few months from now. And so to hold yourself accountable. If you've already been doing the mirror exercise, I want you to leave a comment below on how the mirror exercise has helped you and any pointers you might have for others who might be watching, so I'll make sure to follow up with you if you do that. So thanks again for watching. And remember, nothing will change for the better until you do. Now, if you found this video helpful, please make sure you like it. Share it with a friend who may need it and subscribe to my channel for more videos like this one. And for some additional resources on how to build self esteem, visit my website@jackgamfield.com to.
