How to Politely Say No Without Hurting Feelings | Jack Canfield

Hi there. I'm Jack Canfield, co creator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series and the author of the Success Principles. And today I'd like to talk to you about how to say no without causing hurt feelings. Do you ever find yourself feeling overwhelmed with too many things to do and not enough time to do them? Well, one of the causes of that is too often saying yes to other people's requests for rather than saying no. And the inconvenient truth is that for the most part, you have created your experience of overwhelm, stress and unhappiness by saying yes when you should have said no to your partner, to your kids, to your parents, your siblings, your friends, your neighbors, your employer, your co workers, your clients, and the organizations that you belong to, like the pta, your church, or your book club. What we all have to learn is that in order to be happy and successful in life, you have to be willing to say no to people and to their requests. And you have to be willing to set clear boundaries and hold fast to them. You see, it's been my experience in working with literally hundreds of thousands of people in my workshops and coaching programs that most people are uncomfortable saying no, and therefore they say yes to avoid feeling that discomfort. They're afraid of hurting the other person's feelings. They're also afraid of being judged as not being a kind or caring person and they're afraid of being told no when they ask for something in the future. Now, I've also discovered over the years that almost always when I say yes to a request fulfilling it takes much more time and energy than I initially thought it would when I said yes, which led to the overwhelm that I was feeling. Now, because of my success as an author, I often get hundreds of requests in a week. Will you write the forward to my book? Will you endorse my book? Will you be a guest on my podcast or speak on my summit? Will you give me feedback on my writing? Will you mentor me? Can I come and take you to lunch when I'm in California? Will you write a happy birthday card to my daughter who loves your books? Can I interview you for the book that I'm writing? Will you send me money so I can afford to go to school? And then there are my family members who want my time and my attention. My sister, my brother, my five children, my friends, my 12 staff members, all the trainers in my trainer community, and the graduates of my trainings. And on it goes. And also literally hundreds of non profit organizations asking me for my time and for my money now, certainly more than I have time for, especially if I want to have time to meditate, to exercise, to get enough sleep, to write my books, to spend time relaxing and being with my wife and have time for my closest friends. Now, in order to protect my time to do that, I have to say no to lots and lots of people. And you will have to as well. So here are a couple of important things that can help you be able to do that. First, you have to acknowledge that your needs are just as important as everyone else's needs. You know, in our Live In Person Breakthrough to Success seminars, one of the exercises I often have people do is have everyone stand up and go up to people one at a time and say, my name in my case is Jack. My name is Jack, and my needs are just as important as your needs. And then the other person responds with, yes, they are Jack. And they keep doing that with different people for as often as long as five minutes. Now, many people find that really difficult to do at first, but after many repetitions with many of other participants, it gets easier. And at the end of the exercise, I'll have them close their eyes and imagine saying that phrase to their husband or their wife, their kids, if they have them, and to their parents, and notice that the statement is not, my needs are more important than your needs, but as important as your needs. Now, my experience is that most people tend to make other people's needs more important than their own needs. And this is especially true for women who've been programmed with this belief that they should do that for centuries. And as you're watching this, you might want to take a few seconds to repeat that phrase to yourself. My needs are just as important as your needs. My needs are just as important as your needs. And again, to to say yes to having the time to fulfill your needs, you are going to have to say no to the requests of others. Now, the other thing you're going to have to do is let go of the need for everyone's love and approval. Think of it this way. Every time you agree to do something for someone, you are handing them a rope attached to you in exchange for their approval. A rope with which they can now pull on you. And most often, once you've said yes the first time, they will expect you.

To do it again and again and.

Again in the future. Many of you are walking around with 20 or 30 ropes attached to you. Now, one of the wisest teachers in the human potential movement is Byron Katie. And if you haven't read her book Loving what Is. I highly recommend it and Katie has said if I had a prayer, it would be this. God, spare me from the desire for love, approval or appreciation. Amen. And I love that. Because if you want to be truly free, you have to give those up. You might want to write her prayer on a large post it or an index card. Put on your bathroom mirror and your refrigerator so you'll see it as a reminder every day for at least a month. It's a reminder that can change your life. And if you really want to do a deep dive into this topic, I also recommend you read the book what yout Think of Me Is none of My Business by Terry Cole Whitaker. It was a major game changer for me when I read it. Another thing you'll eventually need to give up is allowing someone to make you.

Feel guilty for not meeting their expectations.

Or doing what they want you to do. Because if you allow them to make.

You feel guilty, they can control you.

Parents often do this with statements like you should feel guilty for not calling.

Your mother twice a week or saying something like, after all we've done for.

You, now let's look at some ways you can say no that will make.

It easier for you to say it and also easier for other people to hear it and accept it.

The first one is based on a simple premise that when I'm saying no.

To you, my no is not against you or your needs or your project, but that my no is for me. It takes the element of rejection out of it. Here's an example. Your project sounds like a really important one and I wish you great success with it.

However, right now I'm choosing to focus.

My time or my energy or my.

Money on this instead. Now the this might be finishing my.

Book, deepening my relationship with my husband, focusing on my children, regaining my health, building my new business, selling my house, and so on. So again, it might sound like I believe in your project and your mission, and I can see that what you're doing has a lot of value and the potential to make a real difference in the world.

However, I'm going to say no to.

Your request because right now my priorities are dealing with climate change and social justice issues and I don't have the bandwidth or the capacity or the finances to take on anything else. Or it could be I appreciate that you need help with taking care of Uncle John, and right now all of our time and money is going into raising our three children. I'm not choosing against you, I'm choosing in favor of my own family. Or it might sound like I'd love to help you by writing a forward for your book. Sounds like a great book, but right now I'm choosing to spend all of my time completing my own book. You get the idea. Now, another effective way to say no without it being perceived as a personal rejection is to have a stated policy.

So let's say someone wants to borrow.

Your van and you don't want to.

Lend it to them.

You simply say, I appreciate your request, but I have a policy. I never lend my van to other people. Now if they come back with an argument to try to persuade you to say yes, you just say, I totally understand and appreciate that. And my policy is that I never lend my van to anybody. And no matter what they say, you just keep repeating the policy until they get it. I remember once I was driving to the airport listening to an interview with Oprah Winfrey, who's a multi billionaire, in which she said, I have a policy. I never lend money to anybody.

Simple.

It's her policy. And after lots of people never repaying me money I loan to them, I've also adopted that policy. Now your policy could be I never work on the weekends, I don't answer phone calls before 10am or I only make contributions to charitable organizations in December once I've reviewed all the requests I've received over the year. Or I only support organizations that support and empower women in third world countries. So just get clear about what really matters most to you and stick to it. I have one last suggestion for making.

Sure you say no when you want to.

You need to have a way to remind yourself that saying no is an option. Here are three things I do. The first is I have a sticker on my two office phones that says Me first to remind myself to remember to put myself first and to make my needs a priority. The second is I put the word no in big letters on a post it on the side of my desktop computer and also next to the keyboard on my laptop. And and the third is that when I was using a paper planning system in the past, I wrote the word no in yellow highlighter in big letters on each calendar page. So when I went to look at my calendar see if I could schedule something, I would always see the word no to remind me that I could say no to whatever the request for my time was. Now the other thing I learned to do and that I suggest for you was schedule what I call free time into my calendar. Otherwise, I was always making commitment stutters because there were so many spaces on the calendar pages that were blank. I recommend you schedule time for meditation, for exercise, play, date nights, family nights, etc. And then write them into your schedule in your calendar for the whole year. And then guard those times by saying no. Well, all right, that's it for today. I hope this has been helpful. Thanks for watching. And now what I'd love you to do is to share in the comments one thing or one person or one request that you're going to say no to, starting now. And if you did find this video helpful, please make sure you like it, Share it with a friend who may need it, and subscribe to this channel for more videos like this one and for some additional tools and videos on how to cultivate your ability to set clearer boundaries so you have more space for yourself, for your family, and your highest priorities in life. Be sure to check out the resources page@jackcampfield.com you'll find a ton of great free information there. Again, thanks for watching and have a great day.