John Gray explains why men and women recover from stress differently: men need alone time in their "male cave" to rebuild testosterone, while women reduce stress through connection and giving. He advises women to take more me time and ask partners for support.
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Basically, the message is give women permission to do the things they love to do, they like to do. You know, part of the message of Men are from Mars was in explaining to women how men need to go to their cave, the man cave. This serves an important purpose for men. Men have always done it, men have always had it. In all indigenous cultures, men hang out with men at night. They don't talk to women and they'll be sharpening their tools. They'll be, you know, sit in front of the fire. They might tell stories, but there's no big agenda. Men need to turn off their brains at the end of the day. And so that was the cave time, teaching women, don't go into the cave and you'll never be burned by the dragon. Just let him have his space. So later on I found out the hormonal basis of that is that for men, we have to make 30 times more testosterone than women. A stressful day, you can actually use up all your testosterone. You can do your testosterone test in the morning. You have zero. A moderately stressful day, you might have half your testosterone. So men run out of testosterone. What allows them to rebuild their testosterone most efficiently is being awake and being relaxed and awake in a stress free environment. And that's what the cave is. And they found that when a guy sitting on the couch watching a football game, which keeps him awake, but he's also relaxed, his testosterone levels start building up much, much faster. So this is the idea why men will sit is to rebuild their testosterone. Women don't run out of testosterone. Women have very small amounts of testosterone, so it's not a major thing for them. But the cave is a place for men to recuperate. We'll call it the spa and the shopping mall. This is the woman's cave in a sense, because women are always saying, well, why don't I get a cave? I said, you can have one, take one, you know. But she says, but I have to do all these things. That's for her to find balance in her life where she takes time for her, that's her me time. And that's what we men have to respect and encourage. And know that for women, there's a lot of guilt associated with thinking about me at times when they're stressed, because the way their brains work is when they're under stress, the brain thinks about other people to take care of. Thousands of years when women were in danger, they're always taking care of each other. That was their insurance policy. So nurturing others is a major stress reducer. We can look at this in terms of physiology. The hormone oxytocin releases into the bloodstream and lowers stress. When a woman is giving, but then you run out of oxytocin, how does she rebuild? Oxytocin is when she's receiving. So there has to be this give and receive, give and receive. So when women give too much, their stress levels go up, but their brain keeps telling them to give more and give more, give more. Which is why this is one of the biggest challenges for women is giving themselves permission to find balance. And when they start to feel inside, gee, I'm giving my husband or my boyfriend more than I'm getting. Don't blame him. He's just happy to receive. Instead, focus on receiving more, which is two skills. How to give to yourself and how to ask the man for more in a way that works.
