The Five Languages of Love and Appreciation | Jack Canfield

Hi there, I'm Jack Canfield, and today I want to tell you about the five different languages of love and how you can use them to improve your relationships. These are the different ways the brain takes in information. And everybody has a dominant type they prefer when it comes to how they want to be appreciated. Auditory people need to hear it, visual people need to see it, and kinesthetic people need to feel. For example, if you give visual feedback to an auditory person, it doesn't have the same effect as verbal feedback. The auditory person might say, yeah, he sends me letters and cards and emails, but he never takes the time to pick up the phone or walk over and tell me face to face. Visual people, on the other hand, like to receive something they can see and perhaps even tape to their cubicle, put on their bulletin board, or hang on their refrigerator at home. They feel appreciated when they receive letters, cards, certificates of appreciation, plaques, trophies, pictures and gifts, things they can see that will help the memory of it stay around forever. Now, you can usually tell these people by their walls, their bulletin boards, and their refrigerators, they are covered with reminders that they're successful, that they're loved, and that they're appreciated. Now, kinesthetic people need to feel it like a hug or a handshake or a high five, a pat on the back, a back rub or going for a walk together, holding hand, going out dancing or taking time to play a sport together. Now, while the auditory visual kinesthetic distinction is a useful one, relationship counselor Gary Chapman has created the model of five love languages that is a very useful refinement of how people need different forms of communication to feel fully appreciated and fully loved. Chapman first noted the importance of this distinction in his work with couples, but has evolved it to include communicating with children, adult children, teenagers, people in the military, and people at work. Now, the best relationships understand how others communicate based on these love languages. The first of the five love languages are words of affirmation. Now, if this is somebody's primary love language, they feel most cared for when you are open and expressive in telling them verbally how wonderful you think they are, they how much you appreciate them and what they do, and sharing words of encouragement, expressing your belief in their talents and their abilities. The second love language is quality time. If someone's love language is quality time, they need you to be fully present and engaged with them when you are talking with them or engaging in the activity at hand, no matter how trivial. While my wife Inga is a very kinesthetic person, she majored in physical Education. She was a massage therapist and a physical trainer. She taught skiing and aerobics and yoga. She loves to go hiking and swimming in the ocean, body surfing and dancing. Her primary love language is still quality time, not physical touch as I originally thought. So when I'm with her, she wants my full attention with the TV off, not looking at my computer or my cell phone, giving her full eye contact and actively listening and responding to what she's saying. When she returns from a session with her spiritual teacher, she always comments on how present he is, how deeply he listens to her, and how much she feels seen and heard by him. She loves to sit by her pool and have long conversations. She loves to go on long walks together with me or one of her close friends. And she can easily spend an hour on the phone with her sister talking about family members. Now the third language of love and appreciation is receiving gifts. If someone's primary love language is receiving gifts, you need to give them a gift for them to feel loved and appreciated. Receiving gifts is the primary love language of Patti Aubrey, the president of the Canfield Training Group. Now if I bring her back a gift from one of my travels, she knows that I was thinking about her and took the time to buy her something meaningful. It can be as simple as a bottle of melatonin when I learned she was having trouble sleeping at night, or a case of Kirin Free Beer, her favorite non alcoholic beer that I learned about when we were eating lunch at Nobu, a Japanese restaurant in Malibu. Or it can be as expensive as the Rolex watch I bought her when we sold one of our companies that she had helped build. Now the fourth language of love are acts of service. If somebody's love language is acts of service, doing something for them makes them feel appreciated. It could be watching the kids so they can go to the gym and work out, or washing the dishes without being asked. Or bringing them breakfast in bed or running an errand for them or volunteering to help them out on a project. Now the final love language is nurturing touch. This love language is just like it sounds. A warm hug, a kiss, snuggling, holding hands or a massage will make them feel most loved. Now in the work setting, an appropriate hug, a firm handshake, a pat on the back, a high five, or a fist bump. That'll work just fine there. I also have given gift certificates for pedicures and foot massages to my staff and friends whose love language is physical touch as well. Now, one of the key things to remember with all of this is that your own primary love language may not be the primary love language of the person you want to appreciate. If you appreciate someone in the wrong language, whether it's your wife or daughter at home or an employee or a co worker at work, it's like speaking French to a person who only speaks Chinese. The message simply doesn't get through. Also, remember that everyone has a secondary love language as well. For example, my primary love language is physical touch, but I also respond to words of affirmation and gifts. Inga also loves acts of service, and my business partner Patty also loves words of affirmation. So if you want to be a real pro at delivering effective appreciation, you'll want to learn which kind of feedback makes the most impact on the person to whom you're delivering it. Here are three quick ways to help you determine someone else's love language. First, observe the person's behavior around others. One of the easiest ways to determine a person's love language is to watch how they interact with others. Most people speak in their own love language, so how they behave offers clues as to what's most important to them. How do they respond in a social setting? Are they always the first one to give a compliment? In that case, words of affirmation may be their love language, so just look for patterns. Second, listen to what they most often complain about. The things that bother them about other people are also important clues. If they say, my husband went on a vacation and didn't bring anything back from me, or if they brighten up every time they receive a gift, then receiving gifts might be their primary love language. Third, pay attention to their request. Listen to what they ask of you. People often reveal their love language through little hints like saying bring me home a surprise from your business trip or Give me a hug or I need you to turn off the TV when I'm talking to you. Now, at some level, I think we all like to receive gifts, acts of kindness, and words of affirmation. But if words of affirmation is not your primary language, it will not register as deeply as your primary one. So as with all things, you have to experiment to see what works best. Now, here's your homework to complete. After watching this video, think about what your love language is. Then think about someone who's very important to you in your life and share this video with them so they can identify their love language. So thanks for watching and remember, nothing will change for the better until you do. Now, if you found this video helpful, make sure you like it. Share it with a friend who may need it and subscribe to my channel. For more videos like this one, and for some additional resources on communication, visit my website at jackcampfield. Com. Thanks again for watching.