A comedian defends ChapStick like it's a miracle drug, claiming it improves sleep, focus, mood, and even his marriage while insisting he's not addicted. He lists all the places he stores it and blames big lip-balm corporations for hiding its benefits, parodying how marijuana users talk about their habit.
Chapters
The views discussed in this program today do not reflect popular opinion of ChapStick users. Thanks for tuning in today for our new podcast, Beyond the Glitch. Today I got a special guest, and he's here to talk about the positives of ChapStick. Thanks for having me on the show. I don't really care what anybody says. ChapStick has changed my life. I sleep better, I focus better, I'm nicer, I enjoy food more, my golf game's even better, my marriage is better. I don't know why everyone doesn't use it. What do you mean I'm dependent? I can stop anytime I want. Honestly, I just don't see a reason to. I mean, my doctor didn't recommend it, but my buddy Steve, he recommended it, and he watched 3 YouTube videos, bro. I mean, it's, it's made of wax. It's natural. You need to educate yourself, bro. I mean, big lip balm companies, they don't want you to know. They don't want you to know that this stuff is good. Like I said, it changed my life. They're hiding the truth. Bro, you know, you know what, you know, would make this wedding better? I got a wedding to go to. You know, chapstick, bro. Chapstick. You know what would make this job interview better? Chapstick. You know what make jury duty better? Chapstick. Oh, so because I carry 4 tubes of ChapStick in my pocket, I'm an addict? Oh, oh, I have one in my truck, under my bed, in every room of my house. Come on, bro, I can quit anytime I want to. I'm addicted? Huh. So basically what I'm hearing is that maybe the product isn't the point. Maybe it's how we defend the things that we love. I don't know.
