Ep.150- Ryan Serhant on Self Awareness & Consistency (Netflix’s Owning Manhattan)

This is the You Winning Life podcast, your number one source for mastering a positive existence. Each episode we'll be interviewing exceptional people, giving you empowering insights, and guiding you to extraordinary outcomes. Learn from specialists in the worlds of integrative and natural wellness, spirituality, psychology, and entrepreneurship so you too can be winning life. Now here's your host, licensed LMFT 🎗️ certified neuro-emotional technique practitioner and certified entrepreneur coach Jason Wasser.

Today's guest is Ryan Serhant, who's one of the most successful and well-known real estate brokers in the world. After a decade leading one of New York City's top real estate teams, he founded Serhant, the first brokerage designed for the marketplace of tomorrow. In addition, Ryan is an entrepreneur, producer, public speaker, bestselling author, and star of multiple TV shows. He's also a husband and a father. Really excited to getting into the psychology of success, figuring out how to capitalize on your potential, all of which Ryan has been doing through his blogs and his podcasts, as well as his most recent book, Big Money Energy. Ryan, welcome to the show. So Ryan, first of all, welcome. I'm really excited to have you and happy almost wedding anniversary. It's in a few weeks right after my birthday.

So—

oh wow, thank you for doing your research. Yes, July 7th, we will be good to go.

Yeah, 7 years, right?

Yeah, um, it is our 6-year anniversary. We got married on July, um, 7th in 2016. 7-7-1-6. Is 7. So it's almost 777. And so this year is 6. And so next year, I just— I honestly, I only reason I know this because my wife is like, for our 7-year anniversary, you have to do something, something. And that's not now. I just don't have to deal with it now.

Right. It's coming up soon enough. So when we met, we met at GoBundance about a month and a half ago in Miami, and we had that really awesome quick elevator walk. You made that joke about don't go to therapy, everybody should do improv. I loved it. I thought it was incredibly insightful. And one of the things we talked about briefly in that elevator walk was part of your self-care? You talked about how much journaling is important to you. We know you work out daily.

We—

you talk about intermittent fasting. You talk about building confidence to success and not letting your flaws hold you hostage. You've talked about acne, weight struggles, the IVF journey with your wife to have your daughter. She's written a book about that called To the Moon and Back. What are some of the most psychological self-care practices that you've done that you've continued to do? And what have been some of the biggest aha moments for you on that journey?

Oh, man, there's a lot. I guess I could just start listing things out as I think about them. First thing is easy, and it's just habitual consistency, right? Like, I'm a real estate broker, run a real estate company. I have a family. You have good days, you have bad days, right? You have good months, you have bad months. We have great markets and then we have really bad ones, right? Um, and so I've learned to not let whatever's happening around me affect like my day and the structure. So like, even though I was really stressed this morning because the stock market tanked on Friday, it's tanking today, my natural inclination is screw it, don't go to the gym this morning, that's selfish. You got to go to the office, be there by 5:00 AM. We got to pull an all-nighter. We got to like figure this out. That's going to backfire the rest of the week because I'll be exhausted, I'll be tired, I won't be happy, I won't be incentivized, right? And so stick to the consistency, stick to the workout plan, stick to the morning wake-ups, stick to that consistency. Still work very hard. And obviously if one day is longer than the other, that's fine. But That consistency really keeps me moving. And, you know, I've always said, like, discipline will carry you where motivation won't. And it's easy to be motivated when you're making money and everything's amazing, everything's great, right? It's your birthday, it's this, everything's awesome. Yeah, dude, I'm so motivated, everything's great, right? It's really hard to be motivated when the world is coming against you. Um, I'd say the other thing I do that's a bit Structural is, in my business, we deal with a lot of loss, right? You lose deals a lot. You lose a lot more deals than you actually make. And you'd think that over time, you get used to it, but you don't. Every deal you lose is just another gut punch. It's personal. It doesn't make you feel good. And so the way that I figured out how to get over that is I want to build muscle memory to be able to recuperate from loss quickly. And what's that thing everybody says is time heals all wounds, and it's true. After a certain period of time, like, I honestly, I don't care that— I mean, I care, but I don't, I don't cry that my, my dog died anymore, right? You know, it was sad then. I miss him, little buddy, but I got shit to do. Um, and so I started putting into my calendar 30 days out from the moment something bad happens, I write super specifically, like, all right, that deal on Worcester Street just died, seller's so pissed at you. Are we okay? 30 days from now, I get to that moment. I look at that calendar invite and it just says, open me, right? And I open it up and I look at it. I'm like, oh no, I fixed that deal. Oh, see, I'm fine, right? Or yeah, that sucked, but look what else I've done in the last 30 days. And when you do that, it slowly starts to train your brain and your emotional response system so that the next time you have a loss, just the physical act of putting that note in your calendar 30 days out starts to make you feel better pretty quickly. Yeah, I can keep going.

Yeah, well, no, I love it because as I was, one, doing my major prep for this and two, reading your books and watching your vlogs and everything, what I've discovered is, you know, from the early episodes of Million Dollar Listing to now, there's been a massive self-aware— you know, I wouldn't say you weren't self-aware, but you've come to terms and grown in this personality. Like you talked about it a lot in Big Money Energy about becoming this kinder person, this gentler person, which was probably there all along because you were always connected to the arts. Yes. What do you wish people kind of tapped into more often that you hope that they would figure out sooner, that it took you a while to figure out, that you would want to say, hey, if you can go work on this, people, this would really help you move your life along?

Talking to people. The ability to be self-aware as a human that has a voice. And as you talk to people, you know how many people have a hard time talking to other people? And I clarify actually and say talking with people. There's a lot of people who could talk at people and can talk to people. Those are the people that don't shut up. And then you hear them talking and they're talking, they're talking, and they're not connecting. They're not talking with anybody. It's just noise coming at somebody. Okay, that's one end of the spectrum. The other end of the spectrum is the people who don't talk, who are quiet, right? Who are shy. That was me. I was never the guy that would go up to anybody and just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, hopefully something sticks and be, you know, talkative Susie over here. I was a guy that went into the corner, looked at my phone. I was the nervous guy. I was like, well, I don't have anything to say. I don't even know what do I say?

I don't know.

I can't literally think of anything. And so I'd rather not say anything. The middle of the spectrum where you want to be is the person who always has something to say of value. And you talk with people, you listen to them, hear what they're saying in order to respond instead of just listening to them and hear what they're saying in order to reply, right? There's a big difference and it is a real skill. Like we're, we're shooting a, a new TV show here now, right? Here at the company and the agents that are part of it, um, I have taking improv classes, literally not to become actors, right? It's a reality show. Like, we do— we don't, you know, there's no scripted dramas over here. Um, but so that they can learn how to talk, because you don't, you don't realize, like, you take two people who are in their 30s, you're like, all right, have an argument, and they start talking over each other immediately. Like, nope, can't do that. One person has to talk, the other person has to listen. So, um, I would— people do not know how to communicate. And, um, because we spend so much time communicating with our thumbs and our fingers, and our attention spans have gotten so minimal, um, it's become even worse. Yeah. So number one thing I would have anyone do, if you're in sales or in any, any industry, learn how to communicate. Learn how to talk to people. It's, uh, it'll open up your, your life. It'll change your life.

It's so interesting as you're relating to that, and as I have, you know, gone through my own journey where I grew up a natural introvert, and it, for a while I was just, just a therapist in the small office and didn't put myself out there. Um, and I had one of my clients years ago joking around like, you should have a TV show and you should do like, you know, like a, like a Dr. Phil-ish meets like, you know, Dr. Drew type of thing. And I'm like, oh, that's really sweet. But I shrugged it off. And part of me, once I like got into this entrepreneurial journey where I got around people who were building life based on values, based on purpose, based on a lot of the things that you talk about, like I started seeing myself as not just a therapist. And I realized in your own journey, right, this is full circle, right? You had this big desire to be an actor and you had elements of success in that, and then you had to give that up, go into real estate, and coming back full circle where you're bringing— you are the stage wherever you go, and you have a platform wherever you go. And I didn't realize that until I had the balls enough to do a podcast and to ask for people's time such as yourself who are also masters of their craft. So what would be some of the things— and I know you talk about this a little bit in the book, and I'm, you know, and I know some of your courses which we're gonna get into because I want you to talk about that. Like, what are some of the things for people to bring that out? Like, you talk about the balance, the introvert, the extrovert, the, the, you know, the middle ground. Where, where can you— how do you dig deep into that to find that authenticity without being braggadocious, without being arrogant, and actually feel like you have value to show up and give to other people?

The braggadocious way is the bullshit money energy, right? And there are a lot of people that have that. I think what it all ends up coming down to, and we could talk for hours and hours and hours about this, is, you know, in my line of work, we talk to people about building their personal brands. Okay. As a human professional, regardless of what your job is, I think the same study and the same work that goes into a salesperson building their brand holds true, right? And it starts with really understanding who you are at your core. Like, what is your core identity? Who are you and how do people know you? One of the things that I did when I first got into sales, um, because I was confused why I was losing deals and losing business, I didn't get it. I'm the greatest guy ever. I'm the only guy I know, right? Like, I'm stuck in— you're stuck in your head. You have no idea how you come across to other people. You don't know. Did I say the wrong thing? Did I not say— did I not say enough? I have no idea. So obviously you can ask for feedback, but most people never want to give confrontational feedback, right? They're not gonna say, actually, you're really nice, but, um, you're just a young kid and you had really bad breath and your clothes are weird. Like, no one's ever gonna be that honest with you because it does them no favors, right? There's no value to somebody else in giving you brutal honesty that might actually help you. Um, and so I actually, found a friend who was super honest. Wasn't my best friend, wasn't a nobody, but kind of like in that middle line of friendship, kind of like a more than an acquaintance. His name's Alex. And I remember asking him like, can you do me a favor? Can you just be as honest as possible? Like, don't hold back. And he's like, yep, totally. Like, all right. I mean, I haven't even asked you the question yet. Can you just describe me to myself? As if without using my name, as if you were talking to somebody else, like, who am I to you? Without saying Ryan and without saying Sirhan. And he was like, oh yeah, you're that tall kind of skinny guy, weird gray hair. He's kind of funny, but most of the time not really. And you just started going off. And I was like, whoa, okay, okay, okay. Told me I hunch over when I walk and I give weird handshakes. It's like, what? And it was like, man, maybe you're just being mean. So I really thought about it. It was like, huh, okay, well, the hair, I don't really want to change, so screw it. I'll just— I'll leave that, you know. I'm not gonna take every piece of criticism he gave me and put it to use. Then I realized I was walking hunched over, um, and not making eye contact with people and giving weird handshakes because that had been a part of my muscle memory from when I was a little kid because I had such bad skin I was trained— I trained myself in high school and in college not to look people in the eye and not to shake their hands well because I was always so self-conscious about what I looked like. Um, and I just didn't realize that that carried over into my, my adult years. I just, I didn't realize that that sheepishness was still there, and I had to fix that. And that was super help— and it actually really, really helped me getting that feedback. So I would tell everybody to do that core identity work and make it uncomfortable. You will learn things about yourself that no one else would tell you except for that one person who you asked to be really honest with. It'll really help them. Like, life is too short to walk through life with people lying to you.

Well, that's one of the things I've appreciated about getting to know you through your social media and reading your books and talking to you is when I first saw you in person at GoBundance, right, there's a polished product. That has shown up, but very few people, right? And you've been very vulnerable about a lot of things, especially in your books, about going through what you just talked, right? The, the acne story and all of these different things and getting raw feedback where it allows someone like me as a therapist to help others say like, hey, there's this guy, Ryan Serhant, and you look at him and you hear about him and you know about him, but do you know about these parts of his journey? Do you know about the IVF? Do you know about, right, all the things that like you have and your wife have put out there that a lot of people want to protect, but I think that makes it that much more, one, endearing, which I think has— there is that element of you, right, that you have. You've gone from like episode 1 and 2 of Million Dollar Listing talking about your dating and to, to this family man and this like kind of like a little mental guru right here. I might have to retire soon, but it's really interesting to show people that back process that you would never know this about Ryan.

I think, I think authenticity is the number one way to build business and to make new friends and to exceed in life. Like, you know how refreshing it is to talk to an honest person? That friend of mine who was really mean to me that time when I told him to be, though, um, I, I spent a lot of time with him just because it was so nice to be with somebody without a filter, like with someone who's just honest. Whether you agreed with his opinions or not, he just told it the way it was. And what was great is he was also willing to change his mind and adjust his opinion if he learned new information.

Mm-hmm.

You know, it's like he wasn't a politician the way all of us are these days, where we're so careful what we say, we don't say anything. And what we do say is just like manufactured in our brain to be the safest thing possible. Right. Uh, and it's just such an annoying way to get through life and it's very uninteresting and super boring. Boring. Um, and so I think understanding who you are, uh, and understanding what your weaknesses are and your strengths, and being proud about both of them is totally okay because it's going to make you relatable and it's going to get you better jobs, better dates, make more money. You're going to lead a happier life. You won't be secretive about anything, right? You just put it all out there. It's totally okay. And the secret to reality TV that I learned very early on in the Million Dollar Listing New York days was no one's tuning in for the real estate, right? People can go and pick up a real estate book if they want to see pretty real estate. People can go and pick up, you know, go watch HGTV and just see nice real estate. They're turning in to see you, right? That's what you're selling. That's your brand. It's you. And they want to see how relatable you are. Even though you're doing something totally insane that the rest of the world can't even imagine is a job, they're relating to the fact that you're stressed out at 4:00 PM and that you're really tired and you also need coffee at that time and that you don't know what to say on the phone to that one client that's yelling at you. Like, don't do that. I was dealing with the same thing, right? Make yourself relatable, um, uh, and the world will open up its arms to you.

Yeah, it's, it's, um, You know, as a therapist, like, one of the things that we were shunned against was marketing ourselves and advertising and social media. And it's, it's pivoted over the last couple years. But I remember, like, just this whole idea of, right, I mean, you're in New York and the joke is like, you know, if you don't have a therapist in New York, there's something wrong with you. But the rest of the world hasn't always caught up with that. But now it's become much more of a thing. So, right, it really— I didn't have this permission. And I've, like, a lot of waiting for permission. And we all, a lot of us have waited for permission. And, um, you know, it's, it's just this interesting journey of, like, we're all doing sales. And I know a big part of Right. Your first book's out, like Serendipity, and now Big Money Energy. It's this idea of the psych— for me, I love why my podcast is psychology, entrepreneurship, and integrative medicine altogether, where it's real. It's a lot, right? But that's— I feel like those are the pillars to help have a successful life. You need those things. And people— and I had this fear of turning into these, like, South Florida— I grew up in South Florida. I was a scholarship kid. I was around the kids who had the Range Rovers at 16 years old. And my parents got divorced and we were, you know, like I was on scholarship at the private school. So I, you know, it's like showing up to the country club that you don't belong in and they were nice, but I had this like anxiety and like fear around like this emotional allergy around money. And until I got my handle on that and understood what sales are, it changed for me. So can you break down just in a few moments, just some of the importance of realizing that sales is everything, the psychology of sales, why it's not creepy? It doesn't have to be creepy or douchey or, or not caring about the other person from that perspective of what is sales and being a salesperson actually is.

Well, great question. Everyone is in sales. You're selling yourself all the time, even if you don't think you are. Whether you're a therapist selling your services so you can get more clients so you can build your business, whether you're just dating, you're on a dating app, you're selling yourself to try to find a boyfriend or a girlfriend or, or whatever it is you're into, or whether you're in actual sales, right? In the amount of time that I've been teaching sales over the years, we end up having far more people enter our programs and work with us who are not in quote unquote sales, right? But they have to sell something. They might be C-suite, or they're analysts, or they're just regular people with regular jobs. And they realize, wait a minute, I am selling something. I'm a pharmacist and I, and I am selling our products to keep our doors open so I can still be a pharmacist at my local pharmacy, right on 102 Main Street. Sales is about connection. It's about connection and it's about guidance, right? And I've always told everyone that people hate being sold, but they love Shopping with friends. There's a reason stores still exist. There's no reason for them to actually be there, right? Everything's still online. E-commerce is the way of the future forever. But people still like going into stores and touching things and seeing things and doing it with their friends. So how do you make anyone your friend and how do you sell with them, not at them?

Yeah.

Right. Which is kind of what we were talking about at the beginning of the podcast, like talking with people versus at people.

Right.

And I think that kind of once you realize that, then the whole core process of learning how to sell, learning how to generate clients, learning how to negotiate, learning how to close, learning structure and process, and so on and so forth, can make anyone's life that much greater because you realize exactly what you're doing every day. Right. You're not just a librarian. You are a saleswoman, right, with a librarian career. Yeah. And it helps a lot of people. I don't know if that actually answers your question, but—

well, I think it's the just that you have to get rid of. And I hear it all the time, right? I'm just a mother or I'm just this or I'm just a web designer. And that our whole identity has become around what we do versus this bigger idea of purpose and mission. That you bring in the world. And I realize that, like, you know, the amount of people that may listen to these episodes but don't have to now come to a therapy session because they're getting some really awesome insights from, from, from this episode and other episodes really does, you know, benefit on a greater, on a greater level. And I know that's kind of what, you know, tying back, back into courses, right? That's something that, you know, the, the new— your new company and the marketing and the digital side of Serhant is really trying to take that to a whole new level. And, you know, in the entrepreneurial world, everybody's selling a course and everybody's selling a mastermind. But looking at everything and going really deep and buying into what you're trying to do, like, what was that for you, the necessity that these type of courses, right? It's everything from starting off as a realtor to creating your brand and your messaging. What was the absolute necessity for you of why that was so important, especially, you know, going along with the new brokerage you created.

Well, yeah, I mean, we set up the education program not to build the business, to be honest. It was an accidental business. Um, we set it up because I, I was trying to figure out, okay, how else do I give back? Like, I've been in this business for a long time. I can sell anything to anyone. Um, I can give money, I can give my time, uh, And I wish— and people ask me all the time, Ryan, can I shadow you? Can you be my mentor? Emails all day, every day. Um, I appreciate them, but I obviously don't have the time to do that.

Sure.

It's like, wait a minute, what if I did a very, very high, high production version of how I would mentor people, and they can get it whenever they want, however they want, on any device they want, and We'll just name it after the book and the TV show, Sell It Like Serhant, and anyone in sales can come and learn whether you're wanting to sell shirts on the internet or houses or cars or insurance or software or therapy, right? Or anything. Um, you can come in, there's something for you, and there's a community of salespeople that are all hungry, driven, and they all want to do more for themselves, and they're all independent contractors. Right? We're all just out there working for ourselves. Um, and so we put our first core course together at the end of '19 and released it, and, uh, uh, just basically how to sell. And it blew up and it became this big, big, big thing, um, that has now built a pretty big business for us. And I had no intentions of that ever happening, but it did. So here we are. Um, you know, And it's really, really helpful to people because it helps them unlock their potential. And that's what I care the most about, right? It's not just a course about, hey, pay this money and we're gonna teach you how to, you know, we're gonna teach you how to sell, we're gonna teach you how to build your personal brand. It is all about, hey, how can you live a limitless livelihood? How can you be the absolute best version of yourself? Don't try to be this person. Don't try to be that person. Be the best version of you, and we will help you get there. And I think the, the courses and the webinars and the workbooks and the sheets and the community and the chats and everything that's part of it, um, are what keep people coming back.

And we would be remiss— I know we only have a minute or two left, but there's two things that I learned about you during my, uh, my deep dive is that there have been at least two charities that you've been very passionate about. One is Feeding America, and the other one's the American Cancer Society.

Yeah.

So number one, let's— I want to give a shout out to, to both of those. And, um, for you, what, what's, what's, you know, I know you talked about it, uh, and a lot of people don't know this, but, um, like, what, what is it why those each are so passionate and important to you?

Um, because the people that are affected by hunger and cancer have, for the most part, no choice in the matter. Right? We also do a lot with Ronald McDonald House, Project Sunshine, which are both attached to hospital stays, especially for kids, right? Um, uh, and we do a lot with a lot of organizations that, that help kids because kids are obviously the, the most helpless. Um, but, you know, I— there's— I mean, I would give back all day every day if I could, right? My entire success is built on the success of land around me that has nothing to do with me. I didn't make New York City worth what it's worth. It's not my fault it's this expensive. It's everyone else's fault. It's history's fault. It's the market's fault. And so I'm just sort of playing with the house's money every day. So it's not just me, right? The whole world is this one big casino, and you got to get back to the house. That's how the house operates. Um, and you know, with American Cancer Society, it's about helping to raise awareness to prevent cancer but also to fund cancer research, especially with breast cancer, which also affects men, right? Um, but it greatly affects women, and women run the world. Like, you know, 75% of my entire staff is female. I've— I live at home with a wife, her mother, and my daughter. You know, I'm outnumbered by women. And, you know, when I had my daughter, it was like it became very, very real. More real than just having a mom. It became very, very real that, ah, I now have a daughter. I don't want anything bad to ever happen for her, ever. What are the bad things that could happen? Let me get to work on trying to fix those, you know.

Incredibly important. And I know you got to run, so I just wanted to thank you for allowing us to go a little bit deeper than, uh, just the run-of-the-mill.

Thanks for doing the research, the reading, everything. It's, uh, very, very impressive, man. It was great to meet you at the GoBundance event and talk to you there in the elevator, and it was fun to chat today even for a short period of time. I really appreciate you, you chatting.

Thanks so much. And everybody check out Ryan's website, ryansearhant.com, and obviously you can find them all on the social media on Ryan Again, should be an incredible year for you, your team, your family, and, uh, everybody that you're trying to bring their purpose and potential out in.

Well, thanks, man. I appreciate it. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks.

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