Jason Wasser, a marriage and family therapist, explains how to stop the four horsemen destructive patterns in relationships. Start with awareness of when they show up, then identify the triggering behavior, what it means to you, and which part hurts most. Real communication problems are rooted in differing beliefs and the emotional weight each partner assigns to them.
What can we do if we're noticing we're exhibiting any of those? How can we either stop ourselves, or what are healthy practices we can put in place that might keep those horsemen at bay?
Yeah, so the first thing I say is don't change anything until you notice how often and how consistent and where it's showing up. So, so yeah, I think the first step is to be aware. But in order to be aware, you have to become an informed consumer. So I think that we no longer have the excuse to be, well, I'm not that type of person, to become that type of person. But it's about like, Okay, what self-growth, what work am I willing to do? But what awareness am I willing to take first? What am I willing to learn about this, these patterns, these topics, these communication, right? Everybody who comes in couples-wise, 99% of them say we're coming in for communication issues. No, you communicate. You just have different beliefs and meanings about what you're saying to each other. So it's not a communication issue. It's really a linguistics and meta, right? Meta-message issue. I would get really clear about not what the issue is, but what is it again, like I said before, what is your belief about that issue? And what's the worst part about that happening to you? Because the problem is never the problem. It's your belief about the problem and the effect that the problem has on you. That's really the issue. If we can get clear on that, right? Step 1 is identifying what it is. This thing, whatever is going on, I don't like it. I'm being triggered. Step 2, okay, what's— what does that issue mean to me? What does it say about someone who does that, or that someone treats me that way? 3, What's the worst part about me having to get the brunt of that or that affecting me? From there, you can do some really cool strategic work.
It's what I notice about that is it's all about you, what you can change, what you see in you, what you— how you're approaching things, how you're viewing things.
