Ep. 185- "Getting Real" with Netflix's Jewish Matchmaking Aleeza Ben Shalom

This is the You Winning Life podcast, your number one source for mastering a positive existence. Each episode, we'll be interviewing exceptional people, giving you empowering insights and guiding you to extraordinary outcomes. Learn from specialists in the worlds of integrative and natural wellness, spirituality, psychology, and entrepreneurship so you too can be winning life. Now here's your host, licensed marriage and family therapist, certified neuro-emotional technique practitioner, trainer and certified entrepreneur coach Jason Wasser. Today's guest happens to be a very old friend of mine who has achieved some really incredible things in their life. And if you're a Netflix fanatic like most of us are, then you're gonna recognize her face and maybe even voice, and her name is Eliza Ben-Shalom, and she's a soulmate clarity coach, in-demand speaker, expert, and author of Get Real, Get Married, Virtual Dating, and soon-to-be-released Matchmaker Matchmaker, a new book that's coming out in a couple of months. Eliza is also the star of Jewish Matchmaking on Netflix, and her expertise is partnering with and teaching dating coaches and matchmakers. And she's been called a dating guru for her successful career guiding singles through the steps to become engaged regardless of age, affiliation, or stage of life. She's been a featured expert in the media, and her relationship advice has appeared everywhere from BBC World News to NPR to Huffington Post. And, and presently lives with her husband and family in Israel. So as we're getting closer and closer to episode 200, it would mean the world to me to know who you are, who's been part of this community, who's been getting benefit from this effort that I've been putting in. This is a massive passion project for me, and I'm really appreciative for seeing the downloads and the listeners numbers improving every week. But I really want to know who you are. I want to know what topics you'd like to hear more about, and it would mean the world to me to hear from you. And without further ado, here's Eliza.

Excited to be here.

So, you know, there's so many interviews that you're doing. You write social media, Netflix, the author of, of, of a really awesome book. Let's start with the simple idea of visions and dreams that, you know, before you were even a matchmaker, how did you know that you even wanted to be doing this? And then once you became this, what was that vision, dream, planning process looking like for you?

So before I was a matchmaker, I was a matchmaker. I just didn't know that I was a matchmaker. I would set up my friends. I was, um, I was the networker. I was the social butterfly, like, oh, I think he likes you. Oh, I think she likes you. Oh, you should go out. Like, oh, did he tell you? And I was like, I just know, you know, maybe they told me, maybe they didn't, maybe I just saw it. But I was really putting people together. And who knew that it was like a career option? 'Cause there's nothing in school that will train you. Right. There's, right.

Yeah.

Like what do you wanna be? Like a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a matchmaker? No, we don't have training on that. There's the, when I get done with the world, we're gonna have matchmaker training in universities. But until that time, there's really nothing. So I didn't dream about it. Like what do you wanna be when you grow up? I wanted to be a wife. I wanted to be a mother. And like, that was it. I was like, I don't want to—

I don't know.

I don't dream about doing something. The most important thing to me was getting married and building a family. I came from, thank God, you know, a happily, healthfully married couple who had normal things. I don't want you to think like, yeah, happy, happy with no, like, issues. Like, of course, every family has normal family function and dysfunction. Like, right. All of it. And I— so I got married. I made my life's mission. I wasn't focusing on anything else. Think about it. If you're in a career, you're focusing on your career. And some people wake up at 35 and some at 45 and some at 55 and some at 65 and like, wow, I need to get married, right? I didn't have that. I had nothing else to pour my heart and soul into, and I poured it into finding my person. And I kept going out with people and I was like, not for me. Nope, not for me. And I was like, okay, maybe I'll pull like a Julia Roberts, like, if I don't find somebody by 30, you know movie, uh, called The Runaway Bride. I don't know, maybe. I don't know. Anyway, it was something like, if I don't find somebody by 30, like, best friend, you and I will get married. Like, cool. You know, I was like, who should I pick? Who am I buddy-buddy with that I could marry?

Right, who has that agreement? Yeah. Or Mila Kunis, maybe. It was that Mila. Yeah.

But I, I like couldn't even see it as a vision. And then when I got— I found my husband and I got married, I was like, this is it. Like, this is— this is what life is about. And when you build You know, you take singles and you put them together and you build couples. It builds a community and you build the world. And that's how great things happen. And the foundation comes from the family. And so it, it really becoming a matchmaker sprung out of my greatest desire in the world. And there was nothing else that was calling me. And a lot of matchmakers will tell you, if you ask them, it's a calling, you know, it is, there is something internally, spiritually, physically that just drives you. And you're like, I just can't do anything else. It's the only thing I want to do. That's it. I just want to play yenta.

Right?

That's it in a nutshell, right?

And it's interesting because, you know, we met originally at this awesome program called Israelite, which was an education retreat and, and connecting people not just to spirituality, but really helping them find the authenticity of who they were. And, you know, that I think when we were talking about relationships, whether it's romantic, whether it's relationship in professional settings, whether it's most importantly the relationship with ourself, is how do you come through with a level of authenticity? And I see this in so many different fields, like people go into a field and I was talking about this yesterday with a client of people I would love to interview would actually be George Bush Jr. because I have this belief that he was pushed into the family business that he should not have been in. And he turned out to be this like artist and like is like You know, he's known for his humor, but his art has kind of become his, like, thing that he's always wanted to do, and now he's doing that. And when, you know, you can see all the trials and tribulations that type of person had, probably not needing to be in the family business, not needing to go into politics, and was really a creative all along— how much authenticity in really chasing your purpose without social pressure, without peer pressure, and especially in that world, right, where you have generations of politicians. But I'm wondering, like, you know, when you saw, you know, when you met your husband, right, if you were already setting up people, what was it that was like you noticed that you were doing differently? Or was there anything you were doing differently when you were ready to meet him, when you were ready to see him through a different pair of lenses?

So I always look at the person. Like, when I was dating, it was like innocent until proven guilty, soulmate until proven not. Okay, so I would go out on a date and just assume you're my person, right? And we go out and be like, oh, that's interesting. Oh, I don't like that. Okay. Oh, that's interesting. Hmm. Oh, make— not so— I'm not fond of that. Oh, this is nice. Oh, but I would always look at them as if you were my person until you proved to just be the wrong person. So it's almost like, you know, not I'm in love, because it's not anything to do with a feeling. It was just the thought and the consciousness of mind. If I'm going out, it was a mindset. If I'm assuming you're my person, then I'm taking dating seriously. And if you're not, then you're not. I'll walk away. But why should we go in assuming that you're not, and then you have to prove that you are? It's kind of like my history teacher in high school said, now listen, y'all have an A. Like, right now, today, you have an A. You want to keep it, you got to keep it, but you don't have to earn it. You have it, you have it, it's yours, but you got to keep it, right? So this is— you've got to keep it, but only if you want it, right? Like an A, I want, but you, I don't, right? I'm not interested, this is not my person. But really, like, you— somebody brought him to me, the internet, online, a friend. I got set up, I met you at a party, okay, you're my person for today and forevermore until we see that you're not. And I also have a theory you could figure that out within No more than 6 months. Secular, religious, older, younger, first time, second time, 10th time, I don't care. It does not take that long to have what I call soulmate clarity and to know if this is the one or if you should be done.

Well, that does coincide with your date 'em till you hate 'em philosophy.

Date 'em till you hate 'em. If you don't hate 'em, date 'em. Just if you don't hate 'em, keep going, man.

Which is counterintuitive to what people are doing. If like I find that one thing, I automatically dismiss the person or I won't even go out with them because I may see something online. I don't get to know them. I don't get to. And I can see that applying, like, just today, and like, just socially, just business-wise, just right, we're always looking. I think society today is looking through that negative lens of just discounting people in general. And we do struggle, especially coming out of the pandemic and all these things, of lacking of connection, and not looking for ways for us to choose to connect to people versus looking for ways to choose not to connect with people.

And you mentioned negativity and a negative lens. And it might be from my upbringing that I I have this positive lens. My mother was committed to positivity, like, like I'm committed to finding soulmates. She, you know, like, if we said something negative, she had the whole system— cancel, clear, cancel that thought, clear it out of your mind, now replace it with something good. You know, like, oh, I don't think this is going to go well. No, you could say, wow, hmm, you know, like, this looks like it's challenging, and I hope I'll be able to overcome it with grace and ease. And I'm like, Okay, you know, but it's so cliché, but it works, right?

But it's the reframe.

Yeah, it's a reframe. And it was like cancel clear. Not that you're denying the negativity, like it exists, it's there, but when you say it, you believe it, you bring it into being. So you follow that. So it's basically when you go out on a date and you're like, well, you're not my person, prove it to me, prove it to me. Like, oh really? Because people are going to work so hard to prove to you that they're amazing. That doesn't feel so good.

It just turns into sales. Yeah, yeah.

Like assume that human. You're going out with them. Assume that they're a good human for you until proven that they're not a good human for you. That's okay. Yeah. Ah, I know.

So many thoughts. So many thoughts. No, it's interesting because when I'm working with my clients, a lot of times they come in with problem X that they think that's what needs to be solved. And I would probably say 80 to 90% of the time what actually needs to be really resolved is how they think and talk about the problem. As opposed to the actual problem itself. So usually when someone is describing something, I can pinpoint how it became a stuck thing by the specific words they used in exchange for a potential synonym that would be maybe a lighter or easier or more, you know, wide open possible word. But they usually end up with one specific word as they describe the stuckness and how that just really does imply beliefs and worldview around a particular problem. And I'm sure you hear this with people trying to find dating, right? You and I were talking briefly before and like, you know, dating sucks, right? Was, was the wording that I, that I used. And, and right, I can reframe it. I know it sucks, but I've also set up people who are, you know, happily married with a bunch of kids. And, you know, it's, it's, it's great. And it's great to be part of that, even though I'm a therapist, but, you know, I like setting people up all the time, and I'm naturally pretty good at— maybe that goes hand in hand with being a therapist. But I think how we talk about and how we describe things shows much more of where that person could put some work into versus putting it on that other person, saying, well, it's them, it's that experience, I'm a victim to that. And I hear that so much in dating or social events or that type of mindset. So what has been your experience with, one, like the common things that you'll hear, and two, what would be that like pivot, reframe, or perspective you would get people to think about when they're going into these type of experiences, even if it's been radically difficult or challenging for them?

So some of— I mean, the things that I mostly hear is It doesn't work. It's never worked. And I don't know, I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't have the energy. I, I don't have the desire. I, I don't have the, the know-how. Like, it's never gonna work. It also— there's negative patterns of thinking from people's lives, like what happened with their parents and what happened with their, you know, grandparents and uncles and aunts. I had one lady, she's like, everybody's divorced, this one, that one. I said, who's married? She goes, I don't know anybody in my family who's married. There's nobody who's married. I'm like, are you kidding me? She goes, nobody, Eliza. I said, you can't start dating. You need role models first. You need to know who you want— like, who do you want to be when you grow up? Who is a role model for you to show you an example of a positive, healthy relationship? What does that even look like? Do you even understand that? And if you don't, don't even bother dating. Don't bother dating. It's not— you need that first. So there's a lot of negative thinking surrounding dating and there's a lot of mental, social, emotional challenges that really happen.

One of my favorite couples to reference in that regard is Jesse Itzler and Sara Blakely. Sara Blakely, excuse me, from Spanx. They're so different. And I don't know if you know anything about either. Sara Blakely created Spanx. She's a self-made billionaire. And yeah, and Jesse Itzler is this, you know, was a musician, then got into sports and then all these really awesome capital venture businesses. But yet he shows up like to speaking events in running shorts that are like, you know, 5-inch-long running shorts and is just having run a 20-mile run and gets on stage. And she's this put-together businesswoman. They have 4 kids. They've been married for a bunch of years now, and they're so different personality-wise. And one of my favorite stories was she was doing something with Evander Holyfield for some type of event, the famous boxer. And she was describing like, you know, the relationship with her husband and what he does. And he's like, he's just like, I'm just going to go and do a 100-mile run today. I'm gonna bring in David Goggins, who's a former Navy SEAL, also famous, uh, author, to live in our house for a month and like train. Like, just crazy stuff. And, and he goes, don't try to understand, just love him. Don't try to understand a man like that, just love him. So now you'll see all of her social media posts of like anything that's about the relationship, it's just hashtag just love him. And I think that's such a brilliant philosophy of, well, you need to be more like me, or I need to be more like you. And we need to— they find their things that they do and they love together, and they have these wonderful, beautiful, independent passions. And yet they unconditionally support each other. And yet they fight. And yet they like— you'll see a video like one of them will roll their eyes and one of them will like, you know, they're normal even though they're radically successful. And I agree with you 100% that even if people don't have a personal role model, people like that exist, that, right, they don't have to be that famous, but search for that, put that effort in so you at least have a baseline of that, right?

That's exactly what they need, because how can you vision or dream a dream that you've never seen or known or understood, right? We can dream a dream, it's like, oh, I, I could see it in my mind's eye, right? Because I, I, I know this, I know this, I could put it all together. But if you can't see that, because you literally have no role models for that, then it's not a dream for you. It's just a potential nightmare.

Yeah. We can also break apart the science for a second. So epigenetics is the field of how you can actually change your genetic expression. So you can have family history of cardiac or diabetes or, or mental illness. But by changing your environment, by changing what you eat, by changing your nutrition, by changing your mindset, there's an entire, you know, published legitimate field called epigenetics which shows that you can have gene expression changes, medical, biological, emotional changes through doing those efforts. So therefore, that person who says, well, my entire family's divorced, or like mine, my parents are divorced, so, you know, what does mean? And, you know, I got divorced in 2010. And so therefore, we know research-wise that second marriages have a higher divorce rate. That doesn't mean that that statistic has to apply to every single person. If you do the work and you find a partner who does the work, and I see that in businesses also. So many times I have business teams that I work with. And it's literally no different than me than doing couples counseling and family therapy. Because all the different personalities, it's the same shtick, right? It's like, well, you didn't work on this about your personality, and therefore you attracted that type of personality that you thought to complement you, but that person never did their work on that. You never did your work, and now you're like butting heads at each other. It's no different than, than working with a couple, right? So I'm wondering like where else, like, you know, when you're working with your team, because I know that's one of the things that you've now gone to is building up a team, and that's, you know, really one of the most difficult things in any business owner is going from a mom-and-pop to an actual legit company. And I see this with, you know, and I coach a lot of therapists on this and this idea of what does it mean to truly be entrepreneurial? And it sounds like you didn't start off wanting to be this entrepreneur. You're, I'm a matchmaker. That's what I do. That's my passion. So walk us through a little bit of that journey of just, right, it's you, you're starting off newly in this career. You get your first client and walk us through that progression of, you know, what you had to bring in, what you had to start thinking about as a business owner, as an entrepreneur in that, in that regards.

So I started out just before the business entrepreneur side as a volunteer. I was just volunteer matchmaking. I kind of like tried it on for size as a hobby, and I was like, I like this, I like it a lot. I don't just— but I don't just like matching people. I want to coach them. I want walk the walk and talk the talk and like, oh, like a business person, like I'm going to close the deal. Like, yeah, you're getting married. No, you're getting dumped. You know, like I wanted to make the deals happen, make them or break them. I wanted to do it both ways. And I just started to test the process without even having a business. And then we got to a point in our lives where my husband's like, listen, you know, 2007, 2008, you know, America kind of had a little crash. I don't know if you all remember. So much has happened since then. But, uh, he's like, I need you to like, you know, get a job. And I was like, oh no, I have one. I'm like a matchmaker. And he's like, good. I need you to get a job that pays. I was like, no, okay. Well, it doesn't exactly work like that. Like, this is like my volunteer give back to the community. He's like, good. Do that part-time and go get a job. And I was like, no, there's nothing more in the world that I wanna do than this. Mm-hmm. He's like, good. Then build a business. And the first goal of the business was to figure out what I wanted to do and how I could support myself with it because we needed to have, you know, personal support. So I started with coaching and talking through the process with people as they were going through the matchmaking process. And as I did that, they're like, wow, I really like your advice. Can you train other matchmakers? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I can do that. And coaches, can you train other coaches? Yeah. Yeah, I could do that. Okay, so I'll create trainings. And then they all want to know, once they're trained, can I work for you? And I was like, oh, uh, maybe, you know, I don't know yet. Like, it's mom-and-pop shop. It's me, myself, and I. And yeah, I don't know. Hold, hold on a minute. And it was a very consistent, slow, organic growth over many years. I had a business coach for 4 years early on in my business, and I told him about my hopes, my dreams, and my visions, right? I want to write a book, and I want to have a training course, and I want to train hundreds of matchmakers all across the world and coaches, and I want to light up, you know, 10 different cities across the globe, and I want to have, you know, matchmaking little hubs all over the world. I want to have the— and, and each time I would go to do one of those things on the list, because we made my nice long juicy list, I like couldn't do it. And he's like, well, maybe you want to just take it off your list. Like, you're not accomplishing that. And I was like, no, you know, like, just because it didn't work doesn't mean it won't work. Like, and I, and I started to realize that I move, you know, like people have speeds, right? So my speeds are fast, faster, and you can't do that, right? And it's like, no, but I can, right? So my mom had 3 speeds. She always joked it was like slow, stop, and reverse. And slow was her fastest speed. So that was really great. But like, fast is my slowest speed. And the world wasn't ready for everything that I was ready to offer. And what I noticed was it was all the visioning, the dreaming years of this. And then, like, to me, the baby steps that looked like I was getting absolutely nowhere. And the coach was like, maybe you want to try something else. And I was like, I can't. This has to be done. And then I started to get advice from people. What should I do? I want to make something happen. I want to help a lot of people. The world. And, and somebody said to me, write a book, because everything that's in your brain comes out. People can see it. If they like it, then they like you, then they'll work with you. And if they don't, they won't. It's very easy. You can become an expert in your, your industry, or not, if you're no good at it. I said, okay, great. So then, then it was like, now I got to spend a year writing a book. So I spent a year writing a book, and I got a book coach, by the way. Best advice ever. If I, I would either be doing matchmaking business coaching or book coaching. I am obsessed with people taking their wisdom, categorizing it, organizing it, and then offering it to the world. It is glorious. Well, wait, this is a perfect opportunity. This is organic, but I have a book that's coming out, Matchmaker Matchmaker: Find Me a Love That Lasts. And this is coming out December 3rd. It's totally on presale right now. And this is actually the third book that I've written, but really it's only the first. You know why? Because I self-published the other books. Because who's gonna get herself a publisher? And even if you get them, they take so long. The shortest time that they really could take to publish a book is like a year, and that's not normal. Normally it's, you know, a year and a half to 2 years from when you submit the manual until your book reaches the audience. And I was like, 2 years? I don't have time for 2 years. Like, I'm gonna write a book, publish a book, and get it out there. I'm like, boom, I'm done. I I can't wait for this.

And I think the industry changed, right? Things change so fast to wait for a new edition or an update, right? Between digital, social media, it's so slow.

The book industry is a very old industry. Yeah. And I was like, I move too fast for this. I'm not waiting for you. So I self-published my first two books, and then when the show came out, Jewish Matchmaking, on Netflix a year ago So somebody said, like, you should really, like, get yourself a literary agent, go with a real publisher, like, it's time. And I was like, no, because what are you going to do, produce a book 2 years after the show comes out? Like, that's also not good. But God's very good at giving good matches, and I got an amazing literary agent. Her name is Cece, and I got an amazing publishing house, Union Square. And from the date of submission till when it's coming out is a year, which is— Wow. So super fast. They moved at a Lisa speed. They moved at my speed.

So, which is so interesting because like you saying that industry, and I think this is, this is such a good like takeaway for people listening, right? We wait and we wait and we wait. We wait for that opportunity. We wait for like, well, this job isn't open, or we, or, or whatever it might be, as opposed to creating possibilities ourselves.

Wait, now we got it. Create, don't wait. I like rhymes. Everything's got to rhyme. So, you got to create, don't wait. So, that's what I did. I self-published at first, but then I was like, no, no, now you got to be smart. And now I have a new theme for this year. It's not painful anymore because I've embraced it, but it's slow down. Not because slow is just another speed. It's not bad. Slow is just another speed. So, I've been listening to Simon Garfunkel song, Slow Down, You Move Too Fast on repeat. Obsessively, like 10 times a day. And every time I go to do something and it's like not moving at the pace that I need to move, I'm like, slow down, you move too fast. I'm singing in my head everything. And I was like, Eliza, you're just gonna slow down because slow is another speed. It's not bad, it's just not what you prefer. Yeah, it's the same thing with dating. Like, this quality, this trait, it's not bad, it's just not what you prefer, you know?

It's so true. One of my mentors, Rich Litfin, who's a famous coach, talks about this, the slow down to go fast concept. So if you get into a sports car, you don't just go, right? You, you see these videos of people crashing ridiculously expensive cars because they just peel out. But one of the— right, a Ferrari, you know, anything that is at that level or even like sports cars at that, you have to start off slow. To get into, otherwise you lose control immediately. So I completely, completely agree with that philosophy that it is about pacing. It is about that mindset.

You make me so happy to hear that because slow down to move fast is like— now, now that's my new theme. Like, Slow Down was like the theme song, but the theme of the year is going to be like slow down to move fast because like, if you don't brake before the curve, you're not going to make it around it. But if you brake before the curve and then I know you gas into the curve, you can take off. So like, I got it. Slow down to move so fast. I'm going to rewrite the song.

I'm going to play it. And a shout out to Simon and Garfunkel's Concert in Central Park, which is one of the most underrated albums ever that were— that exist. And I actually do have the actual record still, so in my collection. But everything is— people who are listening to this show, right, are, you know, entrepreneurs, young professionals. And, you know, we live in a generation of instant gratification. And I remember years ago, this was 2001, I was still living in New York, and I was teaching at a Hebrew school. And I remember this one of my favorite little holy experience memories from that timeframe was part of my responsibility before teaching class, like we would rotate the teachers and we would do snack bar as the kids got in. And remember, like the kids like grabbing it I'm like, oh my gosh, like, they just like, you know, instant gratification. And, and I remember the secretary turns to me, she goes, no, no, no, no, instant gratification is no longer fast enough. And that was like 2000, so we're talking, right, 24 years ago. Now put that into play, 2024, 2025.

My husband always says that, um, You— oh, I just lost it. One of those moments. Um, delayed gratification is a sign of intelligence. Delayed gratification is a sign of intelligence, right? Instant gratification is a sign of impatience, but delayed gratification is a sign of intelligence. And slow down so you can move fast, because there's so much that needs to happen. It doesn't need to happen now. You know, now, now I know, like, Elisa had this idea and something's happening and something's brewing. And then I'm like, oh, but I got to do this. This is like, no, but that's not going to work. And I'm like, no, but it won't work now. But let's just wait. Let's wait 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 6 weeks. Let's see if whatever it is that I need, you know, is now drawn to me because I know what it is that I want, but it's not there in place yet. Let me kind of plant all my seeds in the world, network, talk to people, do what I need to do, and let's see what's going to grow. I actually just had something happen today. Through a series of events. And it's about 5, you know, I met with this person who told me to meet with that person who said to meet with this person who said, oh, you must meet with that person who said, no, this is really the person that you have to meet with. And each person along the way, I was like, gold, gem, diamonds. This is amazing. And then I just met with somebody today and I was like, oh my gosh, you're what I've been looking for. This is what I need for the next step of the growth that I want and how I want to give to the world and how I want to help. This is that next network connection. This is that next point of contact. This is, this is the person that can take this vision that I have, that I know what to do and how to do it, that can help me to do it. Because collaboration is key. And I've seen it also across social media. Collaboration is your ticket to success. You want to do something? You're not all alone in this world. You're doing something and I can work with you, and you're doing something and I can work with you. It's not about competition. You could even be in the same industry. Interview people, right? You do this and you do therapy and they do therapy. It's not competition. There's a lot of people in the world.

6 billion people.

They all need help.

Yeah, I agree. It's— I see that and I see this all the time. Like, I'm more likely at this point in my practice career to refer someone out than I am to take them. And it just becomes, right, it goes down to partnerships and brand alliance. And, and, you know, there's a rotation of practices because I got to know them. I got to know what they specialize in. It's something different than me. It's reliable. People, you know, I said, check it. I tell them to come check in with me after they connect and find something there. So it's, you know, it's that long-term relationship. And even once in a while, even though I'll refer that person out, they'll refer someone to me because they know I don't work with X, but I work with Y.

Right.

And because I just, you know, literally treated them as as opposed to saying, well, I don't do this, good luck. I'm like, let me give you 3 names. If they aren't the right fit, call me back and we'll do some more research together. I may not make a buck, but I know how hard it is to find a legitimately good therapist that knows their stuff, that isn't going to say, how does it make you feel, right? Or is not going to contribute. Because, you know, we hear stories in all of our industries about how, you know, there's the greats, there's the, the decent that really have a good heart and are just decent at what they do. And then there's the really, you know, oh my gosh, like, do I need to report you to the licensing board? Right? Yeah. And I hear the whole spectrum of things. But I know that, like, and, you know, yesterday I did that. So it's, there's no competition. I refer them to a practice that has 15 therapists that might specialize in the thing they need.

You're a matchmaker. Yeah, you're, yeah, you're a therapist matchmaker, which is Fabulous. And it's what you should be doing because it's another business principle, which is to niche down, right? You say niche, niche, however you pronounce it, right? That you should narrow your marketplace. You should know who is your target market, what age, what background, what, what do they need specific support with, what type of person can help them, even what type of personality they might have. If you know what fits and suits you, then you take that and everything else you send where it needs to go. Then people will know what to send back to you. And a lot of people get afraid. They're like, no, I can't be so small. I have to like service everybody. But when you service everybody, you service nobody. You have now ruined your business.

Yeah, right. Which is right. Nitching it down to like, I mean, you have the young professional stuff where you have people who are only executives and you have, right, the Jewish Matchmaker, you have the Indian Matchmaker. I mean, you know, it's, it's, it's, that is a, you know, just one having that own brand identity of it. And it doesn't mean you aren't going to ever work with someone who isn't right. You know, having watched The Indian Matchmaker also, I mean, it's such a— it's so— it's so funny when you see, like, when it comes down to it, it's like everybody— what was the My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Like, all the cultures, like, that's just like our culture. Like, we're right. Everybody's like, can find their identity and they're like similarities and all these things. And I think that's kind of really beautiful on the other side, even though it's like serving a particular community. It's also funny, I remember watching when I first started, when I watched your— when your show came out on Netflix. And, you know, it's so funny knowing, you know, knowing you and knowing your journey and just seeing like, you know, your own community. And it's like, oh, why does this feel so much more cringe than watching like Indian Matchmaker? Like, oh, it's so beautiful. And it's under— like, I get it that they're struggling. Like, it's like we have less of a judgment on someone else than we do on like our own people. It's too like, ah, that hit home. Like, uh, like, oh, might know that person, right? Um, but, um, not you, the other, other people on the show. But it's, it's so funny where having that brand identification and knowing— I think the counterintuitive thing that people struggle with is, what aren't I gonna do? Because we are eager, we are passionate, we are, you know, someone in a, in a job, uh, right now I'm talking to someone who's been working for a specific, uh, company for years and they have all this educational training in-house that they can take. And my challenge to them was focus on what's going to get you the next position, potentially higher up in your career, but also what's going to be transferable even outside of the company, where you might not realize that in a year from now you're done with this company. And where can that leverage— where it's not so niche-specific to just what your company is doing, but where to— where can that certification, if they offered it will be accepted by. So there's the micro macro dance of everything we're talking about. But I think also like having your brand, right, The Jewish Matchmaker, and working with a particular specific community.

It's from one of the shows, one of the live programs that I did in— I believe I was in Dallas, and they had this big sign and it was like, The Jewish Matchmaker. And afterwards they're like, do you want this? And I was like, I'm flying, I'm flying back to Israel, but like, I don't know, let me— I'll just— they're like, here, we'll wrap it up for you. This big—

it's a carry-on, it's all good, right? That's what they said.

They're like, carry it on and hang it up where they hang up the suits. And I was like, oh, that's brilliant. Yeah, but I couldn't fit it through the X-ray machine, so the lady's like, we have to open it. She opens it, I see it's already started to break. I go, fine, no problem. I karate chopped it in the middle. I fold it in half. I throw it in. I go, here, fits through the machine. They go, yeah. I go, I'll fix it when I get home. I literally glued it back together. I spray painted it.

It looks perfect.

I know. It looks great.

No one knows. No one knows the magic sauce behind all of this, this journey, right? You see something pretty and pristine and, and, but yet there's all this, these, all this stuff.

There's always a story. And I think in business, there's always development, there's growth, there's twists, there's turns. And when there's something that goes down and you're like, oh, why, why does this have to happen? Don't worry, because you got to slow down to go fast. You got to go down to go up. Like, opposites exist. So if you're slowing to go fast and you're, you know, going down to go up, then you know that a hill is coming and you're going to reach the peak at some point. And it's okay, you're just either at the bottom or you're on the climb, and that's a lot of work. But when you get up there, you're going to get up to the top and be like, like, whoa, it's a good view, this is worth it, you know. But like, when you're at the bottom, you just look up and you're going, nope, not worth it, I don't have the energy for that. And we really have to train ourselves to look at that and go, no, this is my exercise, this is my workout, this is what leads to the glory and the blessings that come from all that hard work.

That's why, like, going back to that original thing of the mindset and game planning, I'm watching some Joe Dispenza workshops right now. And I've been a fan of Dr. Joe for a while, right? And Esther Hicks and the law of attraction and, and all these things where really, it's, it's, it's this idea. And you know, in the book, you talk about high quality, becoming a high quality person and that concept. And I think like, it's, it's Esther Hicks talks about like, right, high quality, you know, high frequency feelings and how you can— and Joe Dispenza talks about how you can— right, the whole meditations on visions and vision boarding and, and visualizations, right? All this stuff is nothing new. But how much that actually applies to relationships and dating, and even like when I'm sitting with my, one of my couples, and, and, you know, it's pre-Jewish holiday season right now as we're having this interview, and I know I'm not going to see them until, you know, middle of that season because they're also celebrating the holiday. I'm like, what's, you know, as we're, what's the, we have the New Year's potentially New Year's resolutions like we do in the secular year of December 31st for Americans. And but, you know, Jewish New Year's coming up, like, is there anything that you, um, were thinking about? If that's something you want to do. But I also, um, I want to challenge you as a couple. What's the New Year's resolution to your spouse? What's the mindset? What, what do you want to choose to drop a belief about, about your partner? Again, a counterintuitive question. It's not what do you want to— right, it's what's the belief that you want to drop?

About your partner, right? Not what do I want to do for them, not how am I going to fix this. What's a belief that I have about my partner that I want to drop? I don't think I can answer that on one foot. I'm actually very good at answering questions very fast like that, right?

But it doesn't have to be the answer, but it could be like a question.

Yeah, I think that that's the question that I'm going to hold on to between now and Rosh Hashanah.

And I think it's only a week away.

Yeah, I know, but I think it's also applicable to my children, my business coworkers and colleagues, community, community, right? What's the belief that I want to drop? It's also really good for dating. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Well, it's— I'm a big fan of counterintuitive questions.

Love it.

Right. And I know that one of your pro—

huh? I want a book of them. You have a book of them?

We will work on that.

Because, you know, do you have like a list of counterintuitive questions?

There's somewhere in the brain that someone needs to sit with me and help me pull out and pull out.

Yeah, we need 3 minutes.

We'll do that.

So we have like a little one per day, right? Yeah, yeah, one a day. A little calendar of like, you know, a little Calvin and Hobbes tear-off with, uh, yeah, the count. Yeah, counterintuitive questions like, oh, that was a good one.

And a shout out to, uh, to our mutual David Aaron, who was a huge Calvin and Hobbes. So, right, also an amazing author, lecturer, speaker. But, you know, it's, it's, it's all these things when we talked about for a few minutes before, um, just this 5-year plan. And one of the things you said to me was, did I not dream big enough? And I want to get into that just for a few minutes and, and, you know, just hear more of your thoughts on that. Because on one side we have, I'm not capable of that, I'm not deserving of that, or like you said, well, because of my family or because of my history, therefore I'm already plagued, or you know, it's, I'm committed to that belief. Where were you going through some of those? Did I not dream enough? Did I not think big enough? Because when you're saying just as an attachment to that, when your coach said to you, well, maybe we should just give up on that. I wanted to slap the coach for doing that to you and slap it for that.

Maybe we should take it off the list. I was like, yeah, it just didn't get done yet. He's like, but it keeps not getting done. I was like, I know. I'm frustrated.

But it's the attempted solution and the belief around that, that maybe—

I mean, he wanted me to be successful. He wanted me to see— the intention was really good, and he was an amazing coach. And I, we— I wrote to him after and everything got accomplished, and I was like, I just want to thank you because you actually gave me a space just to do my brain dump, my visioning, my dreaming, everything. And it wasn't the time. God didn't open up the door for me to make that happen. And sometimes that's enough to make it vision. And it was— and the vision was so clear because I focused on it for 4 years without getting the results that I really wanted. And, and I thanked him for the patience of going through that process where, where you couldn't actually see that, um, that result in the moment. But when we're talking about, did I not dream big enough? So I informally started my business in 2011. In 2007, I did it volunteer until 2011. By 2011, it's like, get yourself a business coach, make something happen. By 2012, I legally incorporated the business. Yeah, you really have a business. By 2013, I took a business accelerator after I already started the business, and I did a business accelerator course in Philadelphia called Tribe 12 and launched the business. And as a part of that, they gave us like the 5— like, what's your 5-year plan? And they gave us a big poster board with, um, it was like a Post-it note actually on the wall with markers, and they had us draw it out, right? So I'm drawing like an online course with a backend and login, an audience with hundreds of little people with little circles like this, and a microphone and interviews and all this stuff. I'm literally visioning the whole thing out. I write it all down. What happens between 2013 and 2018? At 2018, I go back to this organization and I'm on stage now as an alum, you know, congratulating the new people. And I was like, I just want to show you something. And I pulled up my vision board and I was like, I was like, take a look, it's my 5-year plan. And I just want to let you know, it was actually already accomplished last year. I had to make a new one, right? And that was the first time that I was like, wait, that was my 5-year plan. Did I not dream big enough? So then I went back, you know, from then, and I made the next 5-year plan, and I literally accomplished it in a year. And I was like, okay, okay. That was the moment that I said, Did I not dream big enough? Like, what? Why did I— did I, like, make it too easy? Was it like a test I knew I could pass? And I looked at everything that I did and I went, no, actually, that was a lot of work. That was a ridiculous goal. So then I made my next thing and I was like, but I really have to put something like really big on here because if I just accomplish this in a year, like, what else am I going to come up with next? So, so I have this big mission to secure our future through marriage. My goal is to help— I mean, and specifically, I work with Jewish singles because that's my niche market, that's my, my area. So to secure our Jewish future through marriage, because I believe that singles becoming couples is the foundation to our communities. And like I said, that's what builds the world, and that's where all great things come from, comes from amazing people who built families, who built communities who changed, changed the world and did something, whatever they're supposed to do, they did it. And I'm passionate about this end of it. This is, this is where it is. And I was like, okay, but I gotta just like, what is it that I have to do that is so big that I could put it on my list in the next, you know, 5 years? So, so I have like a 2020, 2030 little goal. It might be somewhere around here, but I have, I have a thing that I want to do, and I'm not sure exactly how it's going to get done. And we're already almost at 2020. 25. And I'm thinking, man, I only got 5 more years. I don't know if this is gonna happen, but I— it may be from this connection that I have today that I could, I could reach this goal. Because I'm going to tell this person, this is my goal, my friend, what can you do?

Yeah, to be obsessive of sharing with people because they may know someone who is looking to match or partner with someone in that, in any type of venture. And I'm such a big fan, um, you know, so I'm helping a musician who has toured with amazing, incredible bands that I'm, you know, that I'm a huge fan of. And I've been helping him on the, on his individual thing, and I gave him a suggestion, and it was kind of like, for me, it's a no-brainer, right? It was basically doing a cameo, like a, you know, I guess, I guess they call it a cameo video, where you the person, uh, is doing, that they were wanting to kind of like get in front of, is another famous, really famous musician, one of the top touring artists ever. And then play alongside on the other side of the screen, like a reaction type video, but like a duet actually is what it would be called.

And play your stuff to that person, get that through a Cameo, and then, oh, I gotta do this. This is really good.

Right. So, so in other words, right, so and then he can write while that famous musician is playing, that's a YouTube video or a concert clip, play your stuff in collaboration with, and this, and this is what it would sound like if I was part of that thing. And, and again, this person has been on Red Rocks Amphitheater, Glastonbury Music Festival, Bonnaroo, like, you know, big massive festivals and with big And the first response was, isn't that too brash? And how do they know, right? People on this level know you exist, but how does this person at this next level know you exist? So is it too brash, or is it saying, this is one of my favorite artists, this is what that band would sound like if I was part of that band? So in other words, is that very law of attraction, act as if mindset? It's, it's right.

And, and one of my favorite things, I'm all over that, act as if and roll with it until it and roll until it is.

And that was my, you know, my philosophy that I've taken over the last couple of years of, you know, I started this podcast, so now it was, I think, in 2019, in the summer of 2019, right? I had my niche of people that I was already introduced to through an entrepreneurial world that were playing at one level. And I knew some of those people had connections with people at a bigger level. And having those people as an interview, I can now say, well, I've had these people that you know, would you like to be on? That first person I reached out to was Howard Behar, who was the former international president of Starbucks. So he took Howard Schultz's idea that was X amount of stores and he brought it all over the world. So he was that first international president. And it made— that's what made Starbucks really have that growth. Already retired. And, you know, at that point, and I, you know, shoot my shot and just sent an email. The worst thing that he could have said was no, was my first thought.

Or even no response.

Or no response. But who cares? So here's my— here was my aha that was mind-blowing for me. The worst thing, playfully, was if they say yes. Because if they say no, nothing in my life changes. I do absolutely nothing different. But if they say yes, gotta read the book, I gotta watch YouTube videos, I gotta read interviews, I gotta know what I'm talking about. Because if they're giving me their time— and now I've taken that same approach with Ryan Serhant from Selling, right? Selling, Owning, Owning New York, right? Or Owning Manhattan, or Billion Dollar, Million Dollar Listing New York City, right? Watched hundreds of interviews, watched, right, for a 30-minute interview. So the worst thing that they can say is Yes, because I have to amp my game up to meet the moment. And I don't think we take that into consideration often enough of, well, I'm gonna put myself out there and they can say no. No, no, but what if they say yes? Same thing with dating, right? What if, what if they say—

yeah, it's, it is the largest fear. And then it's like, wait, how am I gonna know if it's— they say yes, but then I don't know if I want them. I don't You know, like, is it my person? I don't know. And it's this deer in headlights of now I got to figure myself out. Now I got to do work. Now I got to step it up because this might be the moment, right? It's, it's imposter syndrome.

There's a lot of that. Yeah. And then that last thing that you were just talking about, like setting these goals, there's the 10x rule, which is a very, you know, well-known, especially in business world of, right. Instead of saying like, I want to make $1,000, I'm going to aim for $100,000, but just reverse engineer, uh, instead of like, well, I'm gonna make $1,000 this month, or I'm gonna make 5 matches this month, right? It's like, well, what would it— 10x that. So I'm gonna make 50 matches this month. You're still going to put the same amount of effort, but the action steps required are going to be a little bit more of a global thing, even though you might literally inertia-wise or energetically put the same amount of effort in. But you're— but you're reframing how you're thinking about it, and you're more likely to even make more than 5 matches. You may not make 50, but you can end up making 13.

But I—

so I see like we always, you know, and I see this with my clients, we always set our goals too small. And 99% of the time, I really do believe this number, that we've actually— what we call a goal is really just an action step.

That's so good.

And therefore Yeah, go on.

And it just all goes back to, did I not dream big enough? Like, what is this? Is an action, or this was the actual goal, or this was just a rung on the ladder but that wasn't the top of the ladder? Where's the top? What's like 10x it? Okay, now that's just a step. Oh, that's only step number 27, right?

But they made that the goal, right? They make like finding their person the goal, but then, okay, well then do you know how to be in a relationship? Do you know how to be in business, right? You have this great idea. Well, that's where leverage comes in. Like you said, partnering with other people, learning from other people, being around other role models in that regards. And I really do consistently see this, and I'm so obsessive about this, that the goal is sometimes really just an action step, and that therefore, like your coach and like other people I've worked with personally, that they don't know how to ask those questions to really reformat our brain, right? To, to say, okay, so great, you want to put out a book, right? And you put out 3 books, so now you have this big one that's coming out. Okay, good. So, so that's— therefore what? What will then that allow you, right? So the goal—

why are you doing it, right?

It's that bigger— it's that Simon Sinek, you know, start with why type of thing. But, but I think that we even limit ourselves on the daily basis for, for that mindset. So that's why I really like the concept of the, the 10X Rule. And people can watch tons of videos on, on that, but really reformatting like what they're aiming for. Is that really a goal? And if they got that, then what, what will that then allow them to do? Who will that then allow them to be in front of? What will that then allow them to be a better expression and version of themselves and their mission and purpose?

Right.

And then seeing, is that a goal or is that just an action step? And then reformatting that from there.

Right. I'm with you. I'm with you. And I love it. And it's a beautiful reframe of, is that the goal or is that just one of the things along the way that you've got to do? I'm going to— you gave me a lot to think about. Usually, right, I'm sharing the wisdom and I'm hoping listeners walk away with something good, but I got something just as good.

Well, I think the last part of what we're going to talk about is what you and I talked about before, is in the idea of how does one choose if this is for them, but also knowing that they don't need to become a professional matchmaker to connect people, right?

So I have this personal belief that even though everybody is not a matchmaker, everybody can make a match, right? You can do it for business, you can do it for personal, you can do it for roommates, you can do it for jobs. You know, people have all types of matches that they are constantly making every single day. Even just, you know, a few friends over, you're literally matching the people that you want to be there to create the environment that you want to have. And I have a personal goal of having everybody be committed to making one match suggestion a month. One a month. That means 12 times in a year, the average Joe, anybody, anybody needs to think of one of their family or friends and say, I'm gonna look out for you this month and I'm going to see if I could find somebody that might be a fit. I'm gonna talk to people, just, you know, and I'm gonna have you in mind. I'm gonna take you into my heart. I'm gonna really do something about it, and I'm gonna make a suggestion. Now you gotta know matchmaking. 99% of the time they're gonna go, nope. Oh my gosh, is that all I'm worth?

You know, that's what you think, that person, right?

Yeah, it's gonna be pretty. Oh, I already know them. I already went out with them. They ghosted me. Like, it's not going to be pretty, but once a month make an effort so that across the globe everybody is thinking of somebody else who's not in a relationship that wants to be in a relationship and is making an effort to set them up. That's what I want to see in the next, you know, like if I'm 10x-ing it in 5, whatever, in the next 5 years, the next 10 years, whatever it is, I just want it to be culturally normal that everybody's like, oh yeah, who set you up? Well, my friend. Why? Well, because once a month we do that. That's just what we do. Like 3 times a day we eat a meal. Once a month we make a match suggestion. That's it. Once a month we just make— are you a matchmaker? No, no, I'm not a matchmaker. I'm an accountant. Uh, you know, I'm a professional golfer. I'm a therapist. Oh, oh, but once a month I can make a match because the best people to set you up are the people that are in your network. It's not my little black book. It's yours that's so valuable. And everybody, singles also at this point in life, people are so lonely. The world is a really difficult place today. Childhood, great, but we still had different times, and I'm gonna say easier times, you know, 30 years ago. It was just a different phase of life. We are in a weird state of the world, and if we do not help and support each other and give people with what they need, which is love and community and another human being to have contact with— like, COVID broke the world, really shattered us. Loneliness is through the roof. If we can't knit it back together and sew ourselves back together, we are going to have a problem in 3 years. And you don't have to wait 5 or 10 years. If we don't start to do it now, the world can't function in a healthy way. And so that's what I want to see happen. It's just the average person just thinking of a friend, maybe listening to a few things about relationships or matches. Don't worry, I'm going to get it out there. You're going to see it soon. Not sure what it's going to be called. You'll see Eliza Ben Shalom. Oh, oh, here, wait, I have something. Wait, wait, wait, it's here on my desk. I didn't plan on telling you about this, but I will. This is called, um, My Little Matchbook. It's not even so little. It needs to be little. Of course it's pink, right? But it's my little— I imagine it being like a little handheld thing. My Little Matchbook. And it goes through and it has like all the steps of what you need to do just to be— and not a matchmaker, not a matchmaker, just to make a match, just to make a suggestion. Men, women, old, young. Do you know that people that are in their 70s and 80s are like Do you think you could help me? Do you think they don't want to be loved and to have somebody to love them? Do you think they want to live alone? They don't. They're not just waiting. They tell me, they're like, my kids, my grandkids, they're busy. Like, I just want my own person. I want somebody that I can call and have dinner with.

It becomes heartbreaking to hear these at all ages, every developmental stage.

It's beautiful if we can do that. So that, if you want to know like really what I'm dreaming about, I am dreaming about there being a shift in consciousness where people are thinking of each other for the greatest good and making one match suggestion a month, that people set that as a goal, you know, like it's just, you know, all right, I got to get healthy, got to do that, got to make my match.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's different ways that people obviously can connect with you and there's stuff that you are doing that, right? We obviously— they can go on Netflix today and watch the show if you haven't already watched it. You have the book that's coming out in December, but I know there's also coaching and courses and other things, trainings for matchmakers. Like, if someone is interested in, like, you know, like I have set up with some of my friends, you know, or whatever, like, where would they start? Is that something that they would connect with you? Is there just a general resource that's like the known industry, like, starting place? Like, but someone's like having—

I am the known industry starting place. I will get you going. So tons of free content online if you look up my name, Aleza Ben Shalom. Aleza spelled with two Es, A-L-E-E-Z-A. If you look that up, you'll find on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, all over on all social platforms, free wisdom, free advice, what to do, how to do it, whether you're single or you want to help somebody who's single. It's there for you. Um, and if you go to elizabenchalom.com, it's my website, and I have free videos for, you know, like matchmakers or wannabe matchmakers. We do have a paid course if somebody's like, no, I actually want to take this seriously, this sounds awesome. And we do have tons and tons of singles programs and events. We have VIP matchmaking, we have coaching, and we have courses that are like DIY. You can get me in a video with my I do brain dumps of information. I create content. If I could just create content all day, I would just do that if that's what worked. It's really something very special that I love. So, you know, I take pride in it also because I like to play with the language. I love it to like— it's got to be sticky language, you know? Yes. Date 'em till you hate 'em. When in doubt, go out. The 5D Challenge. Like, everything has a label and a brand. So if you want any of that—

But that becomes your thing, right? That becomes associated. Associated with, like, as funny as, like, I'm saying this playfully with love because I know you, right? It's like, like, at once I was like, oh, that's so, like, cringy, but like, yet it's like, it sticks and it, and it's so true and it's so simple language, right?

It is so sticky. The book— so funny, funny, I'm gonna tell you inside scoop, nobody knows this— the book was submitted to be called Date 'Em Till You Hate 'Em, and I think the world has had it with hate, and so they're like, no, no, that's not what we're gonna do. And I was I was like, oh, because that's like the best title ever. And they're like, no. So we couldn't agree on anything. So they're like, how about Matchmaker Matchmaker, like the Jewish song? Make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch. So I said, good. Matchmaker Matchmaker, find me a love that lasts. I was like, oh, that's good. That's sticky. And just so you know, Date 'Em Till You Hate 'Em is chapter 1. Date 'Em Till You Hate 'Em is chapter 1. So it's not out of the book. Couldn't be the title. And I kind of feel better because I don't believe in hate. I'm really— I don't believe— I only believe in love.

It's a misnomer. It's just until you have absolute— it's a heck yes, hell no, never a hell maybe paradigm. And if it's hell maybe, yeah, you know, ask them, ask more questions, right? Ask more questions.

Get over yourself, just go out again. Just get over yourself, go out again. But that's not sticky. Date them till you hate them, it's sticky. Everybody remembers that, even my 73-year-old lady who watched the show and called me and she's like, I didn't like him at first, but now I do. And his mother set us up, she's 90. And I'm like, this story— just keep talking, this story keeps getting better. I love it.

But it's so great when it has like cultural impact because one of my friends who I know watched the show and isn't, isn't part of the Jewish community was like starting to date someone. I'm like, well, you watched a few of those episodes. I know they watched, uh, Indian Matchmaker, but I know they also watched your show because I actually was at their house when I But when I, when I watched it for the first time with them, although they have already watched it, so they were gracious enough to rewatch it with me. And I'm like, well, now that you're dating, you have this advice. And she's like, I know, I know, date him till I hate him. And they're still with that person and in a very serious relationship, right? Because it's always like, well, I can find this wrong and I can find that wrong. And meanwhile, like, that person that they are dating is a genuinely good person. It takes a lot for me to like someone's boyfriend because, you know, you know how how men do, but, and being protective of friends. But I'm like, no, this person is a good person. Like, just because they haven't figured all of that out yet, just be a little bit, yeah, be a little bit more patient, be a little bit more, do a little bit more of your work also, right? And it does work. And it does stick if you follow these paths. And that's why, like, knowing a little bit about what's in the book is the secret. I really am like, I think this, like, I'm really obsessed with counterintuitive advice, especially when it comes to relationships and dating.

I love that. I absolutely love it because it breaks, like you said, the patterns of thinking. It breaks the beliefs, and beliefs can change. Personalities were mostly similar over time, but beliefs, literally, you learn something new and tomorrow you believe something new. So date them till you hate them. And, you know, you really want to— I call it HQH, high quality human, you know, like We got, you know, you can only move as fast as the slowest person. Like, okay, so if you're Eliza and you're moving fast, the other person is totally not. So in my relationship, who do you think figured it out first? Right. And I basically—

good thing you went along with it though.

The true story, I kind of accidentally proposed, but not really. So like, we were talking about dating and marriage and stuff. And I was like, listen, If you're like, if you don't want to ask me because you think then that I'm not ready, then you're not waiting. And he just looked at me like, what? I was like, you're not waiting for me. So if you want to wait for you, like, we can wait for you. But like, you're not waiting for me. I know.

And he's such a sweet, lovely human being. So it's right.

It's—

I can see it. I can see it.

Oh, gosh. Oh, I got a live one here. Okay, sweetheart, we got this.

And that's the beautiful thing about finding a balance and finding a really good partner that really understands the other person's personalities and energy and stuff like that. And we miss out on, on those opportunities. So now that, you know, one, first of all, I really want to thank you. I know it's, you know, you're 8 hours ahead in, in Israel right now, and there's a lot going on over there. And, you know, just for people I know you do live in Israel, and right now there is a massive war and there are missiles being launched hourly at Israel. Are you, you know, so people can have an understanding, is there anything that's going on just in your local area?

North of us and south of us, things are happening. And right where we are, it's poo poo poo. I don't even want to say what it is because it could change in a moment, but I could be here recording with you. My kids went to school today. You know, grocery stores are open in our area. So Israel basically works like this. There's like, you know, red, yellow, and green zones. Green, you just live life as normal, doesn't matter, and absorb anybody who's in a red or yellow zone that can't stay where they need to be and that need to get out. And you, you like literally live to live when you can, and when you can't, you take care of yourself or somebody else takes care of you. And that's— it's, it's a bizarre thing, but we have to go on doing what we're doing. We have to continue to be who we are in the world and, and make the change that we want to see. Happen and not let what's happening shut everything or everyone down so that you're not focusing on the negative when you're like, your job is to live right now, take care of yourself, take care of your family, and take care of anybody else that needs to come in and to be here.

Yeah. Well, hopefully everybody continues to stay safe there. And just everybody who's listening, if there's obviously any value from this, please let us know. And right, Elisa's very easy to, to find and on her website and on Instagram. And we'll put all those links in show notes, but you can also go to MarriageMindedMentor.com, which is her, uh, her website as well. And Elisa, it's always, first of all, it's been way too many, way too many years. So I'm so glad you reached out to me to spend some time together and congratulations really on, on everything that you've yet achieved and will continue to achieve. It just gives me a lot of joy to see it happening to such a great an awesome person. So thank you so much for, for hanging out with us.

Thank you for having me.

Thanks for listening to the You Winning Life podcast. If you are ready to minimize your personal and professional struggles and maximize your potential, we would love it if you subscribed so you don't miss an episode. You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook at Jason Wasser LMFT 🎗️.