Ep. 36 Dr. Stacy Friedman, Clinical Sexologist: Her Passion Is To Help You Create Yours

This is the You Winning Life Podcast, your number one source for mastering a positive existence. Each episode, we'll be interviewing exceptional people, giving you empowering insights and guiding you to extraordinary outcomes. Learn from specialists in the worlds of integrative and natural wellness, spirituality, psychology, and entrepreneurship so you too can be winning life. Now here's your host, licensed marriage and family therapist, certified neuro-emotional technique practitioner, winner and certified entrepreneur coach, Jason Wasser.

Hey, welcome back to the You Winning Life podcast. I'm Jason Wasser, licensed marriage and family therapist, and today's guest is Dr. Stacy Friedman, who holds a doctorate of human sexuality, is a clinical sexologist and certified sex and intimacy coach. Today's conversation is going to be off the charts. We're going to be talking about things that are trending in the world of academic research when it comes to clinical sexology and human sexuality. We're going to be talking about things that are showing up in Dr. Stacy's practice, and I'm really looking forward to this conversation with you today.

Me too. It's going to be a fun one.

So before we get into all the really, really juicy stuff about what's going on out there in the day-to-day landscape of your practice, let's talk about the juicy backstory of why you decided and how you decided to make this your purpose and your passion in life.

Well, you got it right. It is definitely my passion. My actual tagline is, "My passion is to help you create yours." So basically, ever since I was younger, through high school, people used to come to me all the time and just feel very open to talk to me about sex, their relationships. I guess they trusted me. They didn't feel that I was judgmental. And so from an early on, people, early on age, people were calling me Dr. Ruth. Love Dr. Ruth. But that was my nickname in high school. They said, "Oh yeah, you have a question about it, go talk to Dr. Ruth," which is Dr. Stacy. So, just so happens now that I am in the field and it's been something that I've just wanted to do for so many years. But I think what really brought me to the point where I said this is what I have to do is I had my own struggles with, after childbirth, I had a lot of issues with painful sex, a lot of issues with my relationship because of it. A lot of communication breakdowns, trying to find out how to be intimate without having intercourse because of the pain. So I personally, with my partner at the time, went and did my own sex therapy and realized the importance of having somebody to talk to, somebody to throw ideas through, someone to make you feel that you are okay, you're normal. And after that, I just decided, you know what, I need to do something like this because people are always coming up to me and asking me these questions, and I was always giving these great helpful information for them. So I went back to school after I did ultrasound for about 26 years. So I was in the medical field for a long time and people were asking me while they are sitting on my ultrasound table, doing lots of babies, doing lots of things. So I went back to school and I got my coaching degree, the doctorate degree, and now I am in private practice and I love being able to help the people. So that's where I am today.

That's incredible. So this kind of, this path has kind of been laid out for you since you were a little kid. And I'm wondering, like, along the way, especially since human sexuality, even though we take it as a class sometimes in certain programs, like psychology programs or even in some of the health fields, but was there any opposition or any kickback or jokes that were made to you that kind of threw you off your your course or hurt you or offended you along this process?

100%. It takes a lot to offend me, so there really wasn't anything that offended me or made me uncomfortable, but due to societal pressures, I did push my desires back as well as my desire to move forward in this type of a field. You know, the conservative nature of my partner at the time, having children, having little babies, and going around and telling people that I'm selling sex toys, at the time I started doing that, I got a lot of people like, "Oh, well, don't go near her. Don't let the kids play. They're weird," or something like that. So I did pause certain things I wanted to do until I got to a place where, okay, the kids were a little older, so it was okay to do the adult toy parties and help people that way. And then once I got divorced, the first thing I did, because like I said, I did ultrasound for so many years, First thing I did is went right back to school and got my sexology degree, and I couldn't be happier. It's, it's my passion. It's my pleasure helping others, and it's just much needed out there. Much needed.

So as we go into the work that you're doing, that you're helping others with, what would you say for everybody to kind of walk into your office on even ground, or for even people that you have conversations with that are just curious about what you do, this field of human sexuality, And I know that we're going to get into the politics and, and just all the things that have been going on in culture as well. But what do you think are some of the basic things that people need to know? Because I know we talked a little bit about just the different acronyms and the different phrasing and all those different things. But what would be kind of the baseline fundamental 101s that you think everybody should kind of know, at least have some basic understanding and comprehension of this topic?

Well, sex in general, because it's such a taboo topic, needs to be out there in the open more. I mean, we're only here on this earth because of sex. People are having sex and there's no way around it. And the fact that people aren't talking about it just means we're having bad sex or we're having problems with sex or having problems with relationships. I mean, if people were able to speak more about sex and intimacy as they would about their bills and their kids and their homes and their work, it would be such a different environment for people to thrive. And I think that too many people are afraid to express themselves as to who they are, and even just in their own relationship, for fear of judgment, shame, things like that, that, you know, you have all these affairs, you have people getting divorced. Not saying that sex is only the reason, but a lot of times it gets to that point where you lose the connection you have with your partner. And there's many people that I'm working with that are together for many years and they said, oh yeah, it's been 2, 3, 4 years since we've had sex. And it's not for everybody. If both people are happy that way, then great, but usually it's not that way. So I think Sex 101 would basically be that sex is is a positive, should be a positive experience. And one of the quotes that I have in my book, I have a book called Confessions and Lessons of a Sexpert, and it's all different things that I've learned going through the program of sexuality as well as through my clients as well as what I've learned in my own journey. But one of the things that I put in there is that If you're not having fun and laughing while you're having sex, you're doing it wrong. And I think because of so much stress that people have and so many concerns that are going around in just everyday life, people aren't taking the time to truly enjoy and laugh at sex. It is fun. It's supposed to be funny sometimes because people don't learn how to have sex. You just learn by doing.

Well, you're reminding me of a story from an old Frasier episode where Frasier came home and was shocked that his dad, who who was in a relationship, right? His dad was Martin, I believe his name was in the show. And he came home and he, I think he woke up in the morning and the dad's girlfriend slept over and was so excited that his dad was having not only a relationship, but he was having sex in his older age. And he went on his radio show during the day and he talked about this and shared it. And by the time he got home, it turns out that the dad's girlfriend and all of her friends who listened to the show heard about it and she ended up breaking up with the dad. And I remember the line that the dad was so upset with him, with Fraser, and he goes, you know, I don't believe, or I can't imagine why you would want to talk about this on a show. Don't you know that sex is a very personal thing? It's between you and the person that you're doing it to.

That you're doing it to instead of doing it with.

Right.

So, so in a lot of ways, that kind of sets the standard for the mindset that a lot of people have out there. And I know we're going to go back later on, we're going to talk about the difference between sex and intimacy. And can it be both? Can it be separate? Can it be one, one, one time and one another time and all the variations and variables that are involved in that? But I think that that idea of the shame around it, that this is a very personal, private thing, right? It's, it's— you don't ask a person about their politics and you don't ask them about their income. But I think people also don't talk about their— right, sex also was the great big no-no. And I think that thankfully, as a marriage and family therapist who has a basic training in human sexuality, that thankfully there are people like you out there who take it and have such a unique niche of handling these things that people still are afraid to come and deal with and come and handle because they have to work their way through, possibly through people like us first.

Well, absolutely. That's what I was going to say, is that I do work a lot alongside marriage and family therapists specifically because a lot of people will have that basic knowledge. I get into the real nitty-gritty of literally physically what people are doing in the bedroom as well as some of the outside of the bedroom because you have to have that first to be able to get in. But when you get to that point where you're having a healthier relationship, what I do as a coach rather than therapy, because I don't do therapy, I do more coaching and guidance, is is taking that healthier individual or a couple and saying, okay, now that you've worked on some of the issues of marriage, let's see where we can get you now intimately. And a lot of people have that obligatory feeling. A lot of people say, well, you know what, I'm doing it. You know, it's not about doing it. It's— we're trying to get it where people are connected more and having fun with it because that's what Besides procreation, what else do we have it there for? For fun. But sometimes you just have to change that mindset.

Well, and the mindset goes back to the psychology, can go back to trauma, can go back to belief. Absolutely. All the fundamental things that you and I both tackle. And I know that part of this question involves the foundation of what people out there believe based on what they don't know. So if you want, let's take the next few minutes just as a crash course. For our listeners out there to just break through some basic definitions of the most common things, right? Every year, every couple years, there's new layers of complexities to this, and so I want to apologize to anybody out there that if we mistakenly define something that doesn't fit for your personal experience, please know that that's not our intention, and if we don't mention something, please don't think that we are discluding or not including or discounting your experience for that. So I just wanted to put that caveat out there as well. And please feel free to reach out to one of us, either through social media, which we're going to give you later, to ask questions or to have your voice be heard, should you feel that that's appropriate and comfortable for you. So I'll leave it up to you. So let's talk about first about alternative lifestyles, because I know that that's been getting a lot more in the last couple years with Big Love and Sister Wives. I know we can talk a little bit about polyamory and polyamorous relationships, both from the religious and the social secular, so to speak, societies, and we can talk about the LGBTQIA and what the breakdown of each of those words mean and how someone might identify themself with that. So pick whichever one you want to start with and just blow your way through, and you know, on one foot or less.

I was gonna say we could pick the easier of the two, but there really isn't an easier of the two. So since you talked about the alternative lifestyles relationships first, we'll we can talk about that. I think that there is a lot of misunderstanding when it comes to the different lifestyles, and there's also a lot of people that get into it without knowing the proper information. And that's, I think, why so many times that there are issues, societal issues, when it comes to these types of relationships, because people are not getting the proper information ahead of time and it ruins their relationship. And I see this all the time. They think they want to spice it up, and right away they have a, you know, there's a couple and they're not doing very well, but they're like, let's try to do this, spice it up. They go out, they have a threesome, boom, now it's even 10 times worse than before because the one person's feeling this way and all that kind of stuff. So first of all, you know, you have the swinging lifestyle. Swinging lifestyle is when you are in a couple and you're having sex with another couple, or you don't even have to have sex. There's soft swap, full swap. Soft swap is when you're doing everything but sex. Full swap is having sex. There's a lot of different words and things like that, but basically it's what's best for the two of you in a relationship. Sometimes it could be that the— let's say for instance the woman is bisexual and she only wants to be in a couple where the woman's bisexual, but the men can only be with their own woman, you know, that type of thing. So there's so many different varieties of relationships, but same thing with polyamory. Polyamory, the difference between that and swinging is that swinging is more of meeting people, going out, having some good fun, having some friendships, where polyamory is when you're really feeling love and wanting to form a romantic relationship with another person, another couple, that type of thing. So in both types of relationships or any type of alternative lifestyle, even when you're just bringing in a third The most important thing is communication, setting boundaries, and understanding of what you expect, being able to talk through it, the possibilities of what may happen and how you would react to it. And what happens so many times is that the reason why things go bad is because people will say, oh, let's bring in a third. Let's bring in a girl. Let's bring in a guy. You know, is it OK if I have sex? Is it OK if I— you know, I was just reading something on Facebook on one of the groups I'm in.. And they had a couple and they brought in a third female. The first few times everything was great. And one of their rules were no con— make sure you wear a condom and no coming into the other female. And what happened is things got out of hand, things got heated. He didn't use a condom, he ejaculated into the other female, and she was devastatingly upset, which is understandable. And he's like, well, it's not a big deal, she can't get pregnant anyway. So right there you have the barrier of trust broken, the boundaries are broken, and there goes your relationship. You know, the only way they're going to be able to fix that is to have someone moderate. So I think that right there, that situation shows people like, oh, see, you can't do it, you know, and have a relationship and do that. But when you have people that you trust, if anything, you need more of a trusting, solid relationship to be able to go through that. I've been in these lifestyles before. I've been in very trusting relationships in these lifestyles before. So I know that it can be a very positive experience, and I know that many things can happen to break up a relationship that has absolutely nothing to do with that. So I think that's one of the reasons why people have that bad outlook on some of those relationships, but they can be very powerful. They can be very stimulating for a couple, and it could be very successful. I know quite a few people who have been in the lifestyles for many, many years and very happy.

So it sounds to me like the expectations and assumptions that someone carries about going into this experience really will determine the outcome of how things play out, right?

Right, absolutely. And I really believe that if there's anybody that is looking into starting this type of a situation or wanting to bring in a third or looking into the swinging The most important thing is talking to people who have been through it or talking to someone like me who is a Coach who has also been through it, but that can guide them to say, well, what about this situation? What would you do? And how would you react if this happened? So people could be put in these life, real-life situations in their mind to actually think, you know what, is this something that I really want to do? Is this something that is really going to enhance or destroy our relationship.

Yeah, and also from the perspective of that, I know many clients that I've seen over the years, and we find this in a lot of different cultural communities or maybe even just in certain, just general relationships, is that sometimes people will want to have a child to solve a problem or that second or third child to solve the problem. So I want to make sure that people out there are really, really clear to have worked out whatever they need to work out with a clinical professional to make sure that whatever they're going to try to experiment with or engage in is not going to create further challenges or damages down the road just because it sounds really fun and exciting and you think that's what would solve the problem.

Absolutely. So if you have those issues, you go to somebody like a marriage and family therapist who could help work through those issues. But if you're having a healthy relationship and you're wanting to move forward and you don't know what issues could develop, that's when someone like me would be supportive. So it's definitely important to make sure that you get the support when you're doing something like that.

Cool, so let's then jump over to the other side, which was the LGBTQIA+, and I know that there is additional letters that are debated about to be attached. Plus, plus, plus. Plus, plus, plus, right? So let's just start there and let's work our way quickly through. Again, not for the sake of we're over, you know, passing over anybody, but just for the sake of the brevity of the conversations that we want to get into.

Sure, sure. Well, the LGBTQ community, I'm very passionate about it. I'm part of it. I'm pansexual myself. And so what pansexual means is just basically that I could appreciate and love and be attracted to somebody or anybody. Doesn't matter what's between their legs, basically. So for me, that's something that I appreciate about who I am because I'm able to connect with a lot of other people that are going through it as well. The L obviously is lesbian. B for bisexuality. Lesbian is women wanting to be with women. Bisexuality is— there's actually a whole umbrella now. So bisexuality would normally have been, well, if you're a cis female or cis male, meaning born as a male or born as a female, and you like someone of the same sex, that's considered bisexuality. But now things are kind of changing where it's almost an umbrella word. Where things like pansexuality, all these other sexualities, kind of go under that, where bisexuality just means liking somebody of a different— of the same or any sex. L-G— G for gay, which is two men, homosexuality. LGBT— I have to think of the letters. Transgender— transgender is somebody that feels like that they have been given the— assigned the wrong gender at birth. It is not sexuality, and this is what I think is a big important thing to notice, to notice, is that someone who is transgender, just because they feel like they were born in, let's say they were born a male and then they feel like they should have been born a female, doesn't necessarily mean their sexuality is changing or is different or, you know, it doesn't affect their sexuality. It affects how they feel in their brain, in regards to what they feel like as a woman or as a man. And I think that's important to say because people get very confused. Well, if they like women, then why would they want to be gay if they, you know, it's not about sexuality. Sexuality is who you are attracted to. Being transgender is what you feel in your heart and your mind as to who you are. So a lot of times I'll ask people who are cisgender, someone like you or I, born a male or born a female, and people that don't necessarily understand, I said, well, when did you know that you were female? When did you know that you were a male? I've always known. Well, who's telling you that? Just because you have a vagina or penis? No, because you feel it. You feel it. That's kind of a one way to say to them, these people feel it, but then they look down and there's something different. Doesn't make sense. So that's the T for transgender. LGBTQ, Q's queer or questioning, just people that are not really sure where they fit in because there's so many different labels nowadays. And then I is intersexed, someone who was born with both sexes, basically. Used to be called many, many years ago hermaphrodite. Now it's a little bit more of a derogatory statement, so intersex is someone born with male part and a female part. And then, um, IA is asexuality. People that don't necessarily fall on the sexual spectrum and don't necessarily have sexual attraction. And that would be the A for asexuality.

And is it possible that people who may fall under that last of asexuality could still have sex and can potentially enjoy sexual experiences, but their romantic attraction to sexuality might be different.

Yes, there are plenty of asexual men and women that are in relationships. They do it to usually please their partner. Yeah, it feels good, but they don't necessarily have that sexual drive or sexual force to want to be intimate. It could be because of hormonal issues. It could be just because some people like steak and some people like chicken, you know. It just could be a certain desire that people are born with. But there's also trauma that some people have had that for them, their makeup, their mindset, they're just— it's just not something that they're interested in. So it just depends on the situation. Is it something that needs to be worked on because you are asexual, or is asexuality just you?

Right. And that ties into what you're seeing and what's showing up for you in your private practice. And I know that there's 2 very specific areas that are showing up both for women that are coming in and men coming in. So let's talk a little bit about that.

Okay. Well, I say the majority of the women that come in, they're working with low libido. Low libido and in a couple sense, their sex drives are mismatched. They may want it once a month and their partner may want it 5 times a week. Not to say that men don't come in also with low libido, but majority of the women when they come in, that's usually their number one thing is the low libido. And that is something that I like to try to work on with the partner. Sometimes they'll come in on their own, but when you're working with the partner, you can try to find out their dynamic together, their dynamics, to see if maybe they're not getting fed the love that they need to thrive. That goes back to the Five Love Languages, where many times you offer to your partner what you want in return, but the partner doesn't need that to thrive. And so many women feel that their libidos are low because it starts thinking about work, starts thinking about kids, the home, the this. Us women are multitaskers, and so it's hard for us to just compartmentalize and focus just on sex. Many times. So that would probably be the most common issue that men— I'm sorry, women come in with, would be the low libido. And for men, one of the most common issues that they come in with are, first of all, their wives have low libido, so that's one of the reasons why they're coming in. But for themselves, they come in because they have erectile dysfunction, and it could be something like early ejaculation, or it could be something that they're not able to stay erect. I don't like to say premature ejaculation because some people come in and say, oh, I can only stay erect for 5 minutes. What they consider premature is less than a minute. So depending on what you're looking at, there's once I remember someone came in and said, yeah, I have premature ejaculation. So I say, well, how long does it usually last before he's like, oh gosh, He goes, "I can't hold it more than 10 minutes." I'm like, "Well, 6 to 10 is average, so you're doing pretty damn good." So sometimes it just matters as to what they look at as premature ejaculation, which is why I always just call it early ejaculation.

Right. And I think a lot of out there in social media and internet and porn kind of made that like that you have to be able to last 20, 30, 40, 50 minutes.

You're an animal. Women don't want you to last sometimes that long.

Right, right. But it's also not necessarily normal at the other end because you're also not seeing what's being edited or what people are talking about, that it's supposed to be this long 3-4 hour lovemaking session and that's the only way to have this enjoyable, healthy sexual experience. So it's really interesting to see that at the end of the day, with all the things going on out there, that this These two issues of drive, really, do you find that underneath all that, besides the psychological side, we're actually talking about hormones and toxins and environmental stuff that we're eating and stress are all a huge part of this factor?

Absolutely. The first thing that I do as a coach, you know, I've been in the medical field for many years and so being an ultrasound tech, I've also been around a lot of doctors, a lot of the emergency rooms and just in general the hospitals and the, you know, things like that. So I've learned a lot about medicine. And so one of the first things that I make sure that people do is get a checkup with their GYN or their urologist, make sure their hormones are normal, make sure they're not low on testosterone, make sure that they're not low on estrogen, all these different things that may— make sure that they're not going through menopause. All these things are very, very important to know because if I'm working with them trying to figure it out and they're low on something, there's not as much that I can do unless their bodies are working at optimum performance. So the hormones, I think also the stress of a lot of times they have two workers at home, the mom and the dad both work, you know, same thing with homosexual or lesbian couples, you know, two people are now working and then you have kids and then you have food to make for dinner and all these things. So the stress of just life in general You get home, the last thing people want to do is have sex. They just want to crash in bed. So what I have to try to do is try to figure out ways with the client, with their input, ways that we can add in fun times for you to stay connected with your partner. It's also a lot what people eat too. I mean, people are eating such bad, you know, food nowadays that it does make you more sluggish. It does make you more tired and and less comfortable within your own body if you're overweight, things like that. So there's a lot of body image issues. So one of the fun things that I just recommend for people is that, you know, when you come home and you're ready to go to bed, most people will take a shower before they go to sleep. Take a shower together. Take 5 minutes, have fun with each other, get connected in that way. And it's just something that gives you that extra few minutes of time when the kids are not pounding on your door and you can you know, be together for a little while.

So all of these things is really about finding micro connections throughout the day, and I know that as we talk a little bit further in the next section that we want to get into is how you can make these slight little changes in your life, and as a solution-focused, goal-oriented therapist, I'm sometimes, you know, in the football metaphor, not worrying about first and 10, I'm worried about third and inches. And you just need that extra inch, no pun intended, to the— I was gonna say, be careful.

Right? I'm gonna get people calling me, "I need that extra inch, can I please?" Like, that's not what I do.

So, right, but sometimes that little tiny micro moment of connection, that 2, 3 minutes, and you're not even suggesting, and what I'm taking from you is not even suggesting going in the shower to have sex, just going in the shower to connect, to have that 5 minutes of just relaxing in a de-stressing environment.

Holding each other, just just giving each other kisses. One of the things that I say with, with many of the women that have low libido, they do have little blips of energy where they look at their partner and they'd be like, oh, he looks cute, or she looks cute, or, or, um, they want to do something, but then something else happens. It's those small little blips of moments that you need to figure out how to take advantage of, even if it, like I said, for 5 minutes, even if it's for 3 minutes, even if it's just grabbing your partner and hugging them and holding them and sticking your tongue down their throat and having this passionate makeout session and then going back to making dinner. It's those little blips that are going to keep you connected. Otherwise, you go the entire day with nothing.

Right. And that applies in every aspect of our relationships that— I know John Gottman talks about this, right? It's the positive versus negative sentiment override where you and I actually met in person, right, at that workshop. And it's the micro connections throughout the day. Are you putting in these little deposits throughout the day that will lead up to these positive things? And I remember describing to one of my clients early on in my career is that I stood up and we were talking about their sex life. And I stood up and I went over to the light switch in my office and I turned the light off and I'm like, here's how it works for a man. And I flicked the light switch up.

Right?

And then I turned to him and I'm like, right? That's kind of how, right? You're ready to go, you're ready to go, and when you're not, you're not. And for her, so you can understand, what you said to her and how you complimented her last Thursday night will or will not guarantee something happening for you tonight. It's the slow burn. Foreplay started a week ago for her.

It's true. It's true. Men more so are, you know, and this is not to say all because we're not putting anything under all, but most men, like you say, can get turned on by the click of a switch. Most women need to cook. They need that slow cooker. They need to have a little bit more stuff in their minds that you're connecting with rather than just Because men are more visual rather than just looking at somebody and being like, okay, I want that.

And how many times do you and I probably hear the same story of, I know when my husband wants to be intimate with me when he starts actually being affectionate, that he's doing it. And the affection comes with the desire for physical intimacy, right? For physical connection, for sex. But I know he's only doing it because he wants that. It's not coming just as he walks by me or he goes throughout the day, but for him, it's the unconscious, "I want this, so let me be nice to her now. Let me be intimate.

Let me be touchy-feely with her so I can get what I want." And that, you know, it's kind of like a catch-22 many times, is that most women figure that out pretty quick. And so what happens is that they wind up doing it for obligation. They wind up doing it because it's been a week and now my partner is touching me, so that means I have to do it. So that becomes every touch means we have to have sex. So those little blips and those little micro, um, times that you can offer, that, that's going to help support that the partner loves you and wants to stay connected, rather than have nothing all day and then all of a sudden You know, at dinnertime, you feel like a little grab on your butt, and you're, "Oh God, he's gonna want it again." You know, it's very important to keep that up.

Absolutely. So let's talk a little bit about some myths versus facts. One for you as a professional, the things that you find that people come in that are sitting with you as a client that you kind of have to break down for them and kind of rebuild them back up with a healthier belief and attitude about. And then I wanna get into what you're seeing out there in the world about this topic?

I think one of the, probably the most common myths that both men and women don't necessarily know, or they think that all women have intercourse and are able to have orgasms. Majority of women do not have orgasms through intercourse. So when a man is having sex with a woman and is disappointed that they're not having an orgasm through intercourse, they either feel less than, or the woman winds up having to fake it because they don't want to make their partner feel bad, or they feel like the man feels like they're doing something wrong, or their partner is not attracted to them. The clitoris is a very sensitive organ. There's 8,000 nerve endings just in the tip, and it's. It's not always very easy to hit it the exact way it needs to be hit, and even though there's a lot of nerve endings, sometimes it could be too sensitive, sometimes it could be sensitive more on the side than the top or whatever. It's a little bit more complicated than just a man going in and out and getting sensation. So one of the myths would be that they think that most women, women and men, think that they should be having orgasms through intercourse. So when they realize that 75 to 80% of women do not have orgasms through intercourse, then they start understanding, okay, maybe it's not me. Maybe I don't have to keep trying so hard. Maybe I need to focus on something different. Maybe I need more foreplay. That's, I think, one of the very important things that a lot of women sit there and they're like, really? Oh my god, I feel so much better. It takes so much stress off of them. To know that they're allowed to use a toy during sex, that it could be helpful because they need clitoral stimulation. So that's a, that's a big one.

So that's a big one. So let's talk a few more. I know that we kind of have a list of things that we wanted to tackle, and one of the things was the myth that all men must be horny all the time.

That is a big myth also, because a lot of times I get couples in where the woman has a much higher libido than the man, and The first thing that they say, "I feel like he's not attracted to me anymore. I feel like he is just being lazy. I feel like he's having an affair." Men in society are not allowed to not be horny. That's just the way that people are out there. Like, "Oh my God, how is he? He's not a man, he's gay. If he's not horny all the time, he's got to be gay." If you're in a heterosexual relationship. And so I have to break that down also, that just because he's not necessarily horny or in the mood all the time doesn't mean he's gay, doesn't mean that he has low testosterone. Yes, it's something that we check, but it could just be, you know what, stress. You know what, he's busy. He's been working very, very hard. He comes home, he's working a 10-hour day, and just, you know, it's a little bit harder for a man if they're exhausted to get it up., and sometimes they don't want to have to work that hard at that time.

Right, or they're actually turned off by the person that they're with for some particular emotional or relational dynamic reason, and that stuff has to be addressed as well. And so I know the next one that we wrote down was about that bi or pansexual individuals can't be monogamous.

Yes, that's another big one that I hear very often because you appreciate the spectrum of the world, who they are, and not necessarily a man or a woman or someone who's transgender. But when you're bisexual, pansexual, and you appreciate people for who they are, a lot of people think, well, if you're in a certain relationship, you— there you have the entire world to be attracted to. So how are they faithful? Because if you're, let's say, in a heterosexual relationship and you have a woman who's bisexual and is attracted to women, then how could they have female friends and they're gonna wind up having affairs with women? But it's not about that. It's about the connection that you have with your partner. If you're a heterosexual man with a woman and you love that person, yes, you could be attracted to other women, but that doesn't mean you're gonna have an affair because you respect and you trust in your relationship. So it's about you as a person, what you value in your relationship.

Cool. So let's talk a little bit about the difference between sex versus intimacy and your perspective of what you're seeing with your clients and your perspective as a clinician and what's out there kind of about that topic in general.

Well, sex and intimacy, they can go hand in hand and they can be completely separate. Sex is the actual act of intercourse and sexual activity. And intimacy, you've heard the term, "Into me I see, into me I see." So intimacy is allowing someone into you and seeing the real you and being vulnerable and being able to open up and being true to who you are when you're in that moment. And intimacy doesn't necessarily mean intercourse or sex, just as sex doesn't have to mean that you're being intimate. So that's kind of where you get the differences. But many times when you have a relationship where a woman will say, "I just want some more intimacy," and if they're with a male and the male will say, "Well, we just had sex 2 days ago." There, sometimes there's that breakdown where, "What's— I don't understand. You know, I'm kissing you, I'm hugging you," and it's like, no, no, no, it's not about the physical kiss and hug. It's about the things that you're doing, like you said, those little, what do you call micro—

micro connections.

Micro connections. Those little micro connections that you're making through the day to help build that intimacy, to help build that safe place. And I think that's an important word— the safety and the vulnerability to be 100% you in a relationship. You could have sex with anybody, but if you are not feeling safe and vulnerable and letting that person completely see who you are, that's— you're not giving complete intimacy to that person.

So that reminds me of a video that someone sent me of a pastor whose name is Mark Gungor, and the person who sent it to me is a rabbi, which is even better. And this person's ministry is all about healthy relationships from a neuroscience-based perspective, which is really, really cool. So watching this, there's no necessarily a religious agenda. It's just explaining it to a religious community, a church-based community, based on how men and women's brains are wired and firing differently. And he was talking very specifically about this talk with connection and intimacy. And he said that for a woman, right, a lot of times in this relationship, and specifically in a heterosexual relationship, women are more likely to be the reminders or bring the reminders of how much they care and love for the other person.

Right.

And they'll always be sharing, I love you, I miss you, I care about you, all these things. And women are going to be more likely to be disappointed because the men, for whatever reason, whether it's a wiring or whatever it may be, think differently about that. And his expression, the way that he shared it with the joke that he explained it was, was that the guy, you know, and the wife and the husband are having this conversation and she's like, how come you never tell me that you love me anymore? And his response is, well, I told you in 1983, and if anything has ever changed since then, I would have let you know.

Right, that's true. It's true. I mean, they think that, you know, it's not about necessarily knowing. You could sit there and be like, "I know my partner loves me, but I don't hear it." And a lot of women, or even just people in general, men too, they thrive on affirmation. And one of the things that I find with a lot of the men that maybe go outside of their marriage is not necessarily the lack of desire from their partners or the lack of sex. But they don't feel like a man anymore. They don't feel like they're needed. And a lot of men need to feel like they are being supportive, like they are caring for their family, and that they are sexy. Just like a woman wants to feel beautiful, a man wants to feel sexy and hot too, and desired. You know, what man is not going to want their wife or, you know, their partner to come up to them and be like, "God, I love that on you. Just wait till I get to you downstairs later on," or something like that, you know? But Men want to feel that their partners are proud of them, just as a woman would, but it's not as common in society for a man to be as emotional or as sensitive. Vulnerable. Vulnerable.

Right. In a way that's been defined in the past until, right, with all these new— I wouldn't necessarily call it New Age as New Age as in hippie dippy, but the new age of understanding through neuroscience and through self-development programs and work, that vulnerability, like Brené Brown talks about, but that men can be emotional and emotionally expressive and ask for their wants and needs, and it's not them being feminine.

Right. It's not so-called sissified, is the word that they are using. If anything, I think that someone who's able to express themselves and share things like that are extremely manly and extremely sexy. And I'm in a relationship right now with someone who has no problem sharing that emotion and, and sharing their thoughts about me as a person and how much they love and need and desire and all that. And I give it right back, and that just makes a very good combination.

Well, I think that, that like kind of makes an infinity loop of the more you share, right? That's, I feel, is one of the most solid parts of contributing to a healthy and successful relationship.

Right.

And that's that relative influence back and forth, that when you hear that from your partner, you're going to be more likely to give more of that back in return as long as you're comfortable and confident in your own work that you've done. And this is the challenge that I put out to all my couples that I see is that what parts of the infinity loop are you not fulfilling that you need to— you need to— that you're trying to give more fun, right, that you're not getting back and vice versa, so you can be more confident to grow that connection together. So I know The last one or two that we talked about is that everything is a spectrum, that when we talk about sexuality, we talk about fluidity, that the word is being thrown out there. There is a spectrum, and I know Kinsey was probably one of the first people to talk about this, the Kinsey scale. But let's talk a little bit more about that, but some of the myths and facts around that.

Well, basically, when I think one of the— you're talking about a myth. If a man is bisexual, they're not bisexual, they're gay. That is one of the largest myths that I think I've heard when it comes to the LGBT community. And I think that, like you talked about, everything is on a spectrum. There's no reason why a man can't be necessarily attracted to another man and still attracted to a woman, just as the same thing the other way around. But because of society, that's a myth. That's Oh well, if he's attracted to a man, you can't have a man who's slightly attracted to a man and them not be gay. So I think it's very frustrating that we have to sit here and try to explain to people there is a scale. No one is 100% here and 100% there. There might be someone who's 99, you know, but the scale is there for a reason. I mean, everything has scales. And so I think it's so important for people to understand that there's so many aspects of sexuality, of gender identity, of just you as a person, to be able to not have to sit in black and white. You have all these shades of gray or all these shades of rainbow that people can fit into, and there's no reason why you can't allow people to do that. You know, it's all, it's all equal. What makes this person on this end of the scale better than this person who's only halfway? It's just who you are as a person.

Right, and one of the myths that I come up with commonly, um, out there with conversations with people outside of my practice is that for someone to either define themself, uh, under, right, the LGBTQIA community, or to even want to be involved in an alternative lifestyle, there must be some trauma that they're playing out, or that they need to heal, and that's why they're doing that.

Yeah, I, I hear that very, very often, and I 100% disagree. Yes, there's going to be people that have different traumas, just as they're going to have different traumas for other issues in their life that are going to affect them. But just because someone wants to do something with somebody— if you have a woman wanting to be a lesbian, not wanting to be, but saying that they're a lesbian, doesn't mean that they had bad experiences with men. You know, if you have someone that's heterosexual and you tell them, I want you, you tell a male, I want you to be attracted to another male, they're gonna look at you like, what are you crazy? No way, I'm attracted to a woman. You can't force somebody to be attracted or be into something that they're not already interested in.

So my last big curveball question for you that I didn't have you prepare for is my on one foot question. Let's say you had 2 minutes to have a conversation with someone that you know that you would never meet again, and that whatever you share with them is all the distillation of your parting advice and parting wisdom and everything. So in 2 minutes or less, what would that be?

What would you want to give over to them? You're going to time me? No, basically, I mean, I have Conversations all the time with people that I don't know. And as soon as they find out what I do, the first questions come out of their mouth right away, right away. They're like, oh my God, I have so many questions to ask you. So I think that number one, be true to you. I think it's important for you to be who you are and not worry about the judgment, to have that strength to, to be comfortable in your own skin. I feel that when it comes to women, I have a Facebook group that's called Intimacy, Sex, and Empowerment, and I feel that if I'm speaking to a woman, I want them to feel empowered to use their voice, to be able to know that it's okay to want and desire and ask for what you want, and be empowered to enjoy their sexuality and not feel inhibited. People to appreciate their bodies and use them for what they were meant to be and not worry about it. If people are having fun and enjoying themselves, they're not necessarily caring what you look like under the sheets. So I think those are kind of a few things that I would tell some people because I get a lot of those questions at the beginning when people learn who, who I am and what I do.

I think the beauty about what you just shared with us is that those same themes can apply to any other challenge that someone may have in any other aspect. Of their life. If it's work and you're not sure what you want to do with work, be you. How do you want to show up? How do you want to best represent yourself and be authentic with that? Otherwise, you're going to end up in a career that you don't like, that you're miserable in. Or how do you turn down a relationship that you no longer want to be in if it no longer serves you? How do you decide what investments to get involved with? How do you decide who to be friends with? All of those same things that you just shared apply to so many other aspects. So it's beautiful to hear that even though I know from your perspective as an expert in your field that the truths that you're sharing are universal.

It is true. And the thing is, is that people don't necessarily take those truths and put them in the bedroom. You know, they stop. They say, well, I'm confident everywhere else, but when I get in the bedroom, I'm like, you know, a deer in headlights. Well, you need to appreciate your headlights and, you know, get into what pleases you and who you are and what you want from the relationship. And don't be afraid to ask.

So it sounds like I can help you with book number 2 for the title of your next book, because I think I connected you with the person that you published. Right now it's a Take These Truths and Bring Them into Your Bedroom. Oh, there you go.

I may have to look into that for my second book. Write that down so you don't forget.

So for people out there who want to connect with you, who have been turned on intellectually by the questions and conversations that we've brought to the table, how can they reach out to you? How can they connect you again? Feel free to plug your book and your website and all the different Facebook groups and all the incredible cool things that you're involved with.

Well, first of all, I want to just say thanks for having me on here because I love spreading the word about positive sexuality and I love talking about sex and I think it's very important to get it out there. So I appreciate you wanting to work with me on this. It's been fun. My name is Dr. Stacy Friedman and my website is drstacyfriedman.com. My name does not have an E, so it's S-T-A-C-Y F-R-I-E-D-M-A-N. You could find my contact information information there. I do have a Facebook page, Dr. Stacy Friedman, as well. And for women who want to connect with a whole group of amazing other women, I just started a Facebook group about a year ago and it's called Intimacy, Sex and Empowerment. So for women only, look that up as well. And I'm all over, you know, on social media, but I usually use the Facebook most and the Instagram is also Dr. Stacy Friedman. I can tell you about my book real quick. It's called Confessions and Lessons of a Sexpert. You can find that on Amazon for a small fee. And if you do want a free PDF, you can go to my drstacyfriedman.com page. Just click on book and there's a link there to get the free PDF. It's just a very beginner's book on intimacy and better sex, and it talks a little bit about me. It's an easy read about why I got into it and how all these confessions and lessons I've learned can help all of you.

So I'm going to make a big ask of the people out there who are listening. If you're going to choose to get the free download from her website, do her a favor and on either Amazon—

Oh yes.

Or directly to her email, please send her a review of the book.

Oh, that'd be wonderful.

So she can have that, and that's kind of my personal ask of people out there that if you're going to be getting— if you already got value from this conversation and you're you're gonna get tons of other value from the book. My ask for everybody out there is to do that simple gift in return to her so it can help her help other people, to have Dr. Stacey help other people out there more by seeing how awesome the value that she does bring to the table. So I really wanna thank you. I was really excited to be spending this time with you, and I know we had another date earlier to do this and we had to push it off, so I'm really glad that we were able to—

Yes, me too.

And I'm sure we'll be doing more of it again in the future as well.

I was gonna say, think of some more good juicy topics and I will definitely be here to talk about it.

Yeah, so if anybody out there has questions, feel free to reach out to me on Instagram, Jason Wasser, LMFT 🎗️, licensed marriage and family therapist. And if you want Dr. Stacy to talk a little bit more about any specific topics, maybe we'll think about doing it as a Facebook Live and an Instagram Live. Or if we get enough of feedback from everybody out there, Maybe we'll hope to plan a whole nother episode on a very specific or 2 or 3 specific topics. Because today we really talked about a lot in a very short period of time. But I want to make sure that everybody out there knows that they can get more of this should, you know, they reach out to us. And again, please subscribe and leave a 5-star favorable review on any of your podcast platforms, but most specifically iTunes for the You Winning Life podcast. And. You can reach out to me through there, through instant messenger, or DM @JasonWasserLMFT. And you can check out my website at www.thefamilyroomsfl.com. And we'll see you in the next episode of the You Winning Life Podcast.

Thank you.

Thanks for listening to the You Winning Life Podcast. If you are ready to minimize your personal and professional struggles and maximize your potential, we would love it if you subscribe subscribe so you don't miss an episode. You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook at Jason Wasser LMFT 🎗️.