Have We Got A Match For You Ep. 5- Why Do I Keep Attracting The Same Thing? Part 2

Alright everybody who's jumping in, we're gonna wait another few minutes for everybody to kind of jump on and join us. So there's a few of you right now. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome back. So it's Wednesday night and we got some good stuff to talk about. We're gonna get started in a minute. Yes, we are live.

Thanks, Kay. Good to see you.

Dr. K. So let's give another minute or so as everybody's kind of jumping in, and if you're in the room and you're hearing, just say hello, give us a comment just to let us know who you are and that you're here.

And questions, no?

And questions, yeah, yeah. So we're gonna wait another minute as people are jumping in, but again, let us know you're here, tell us who you are. Okay. So, yes, it's another episode of the Have We Got a Match for You podcast, and I'm Jason Wasser with my fabulously talented co-host, matchmaker extraordinaire, Chava.

Hi, Jason. Thank you for the warm welcome. Name is Chava.

It's so funny, you're always like, thanks for welcoming me, but like, you know, this is a partnership here. It's not like, you know, I'm very humbled and grateful for this platform.

I am nothing without you, Jason Wasser. Thank you.

Ah, if only I had a dollar for every time someone would say that to me. So that's good. So welcome back, everybody. So as you can see, Chava and I have a great time doing this and bringing you some really good information every time we get together. And last time, Chava, right, you and I started talking about the whole, why do I attract who I attract, right? Over and over again, right?

Yes, I think we just discussed that.

Yeah, so one of the things that we started off with was a little bit of the neuroscience. So for those of you who were not here last week, I went into a little bit of the neuroscience and a little bit of the biology of attraction and our unconscious and subconscious part of our mind and why we attract who we attract and, and, you know, what's the difference between finding someone with the right stats versus like chemistry. And at the end of the day, Harville Hendrix, who is one of the experts in relationships and the founder of the Imago therapy modality, said that like we're attracted to those people who have the traits to heal or hurt us more based on our childhood wounds, right? Part of the attraction, Chava, you know that, right? Is, is, wow, that person's amazing and I'm going to feel so much better around them, right?

Right. Like putting up a mask, like an illusion of what they really are not actually. I mean, you're, you're perceiving them as something so great and putting value onto them, and they really don't even have anything to offer to you.

Yeah, right. And, or even sometimes that they may have the traits that you yourself aren't good at, and by having that person in your life, you don't have to work on that. So therefore, it kind of, as you know, that whole Jerry Maguire, you complete me, that's kind of where the misnomer is. And that's where we want people to really, uh, understand that, like, you know, it's a lot of times you're projecting your unfinished business onto that person because they may have solved that or be better at that than you. So by having them in your life is the illusion, right, of wholeness, right? And then the other side of the coin that we talked about is that they have the opportunity or the possibility, uh, with the traits to hurt you more. So if you have stuff that you haven't worked on, stuff that you're unaware of, the unconscious stuff, then, you know, you may be attracted to like, oh, they're so good at this, but then they have these things that at the end can stab you, right? Emotionally harm you. And, and that's where, right, we get these, these stuckness is. And I know, however, you're involved in matches and things come up and you help them along the way. Like, it's, why didn't I see this at the beginning? And you're like, but we saw it was there, right? You have that all the time.

Yes, we have it all the time. Um, hopefully it will get better, but a lot of times we suppress our, our emotions. A lot of times we put everything in the subconscious and kind of like ignore the, you know, the red flags, the warning signs, the red alarms, the fire trucks. And we try to mask it and we keep chasing people and things that don't belong in our world, in our relationships, in our lives. And it's all about bringing all these emotions up to surface. Why do you feel the need to force someone to validate you? Why do you feel the need to chase someone who doesn't reciprocate that same type of attention, same type of attention back towards you or investing back into the relationship? So All of these emotions need to be dealt with beforehand, before you start the relationship. This way you're starting it off on the right foot.

Right. And the trick to solving that, one of the things that we ended up last session with, or last, our last call with, is that the more work we do on figuring out what our unfinished wounds are, the more healthy of a person we're going to act, right? It's a frequency match. You can't get, you know, for you New Yorkers, right? It's Z100, right? We have Y100 here. You have Z100, right? So you can't, if you want to listen to like today's top 40 music, right? The Greatest Hits and Lady Gaga, right? You can't put on a different channel, 103.5, whatever that is. That used to be the rock station here.

Look at you!

You know this so well! Right? And expect to hear top 40 hits and get annoyed and be upset. Why isn't the Biebs on, right?

Exactly. And I think it's all inclusive. I think, you know, it's not just about manifesting what we want. First of all, it's projecting what our insecurities are. And attracting that that's not conducive to our daily lives. And I think it's important to work on it every single day. And it's also about projecting the right energy into the world, into the universe. And what we project out, if it's negative insecurities, that's what's going to bounce right back to us. And it's important to manifest positive vibrations and positivity, not just on the outside, but also on the inside. You know, positive self-affirmation, self-introspection, work on developing yourself. And you are who you attract, really, you know.

Agreed, agreed. And that's the whole idea behind, right, being in love and creating love and the nuance and difference between those two things. So what we wanted to do is to continue this conversation is the idea of talking more about the more we resolve our stuff, the more we become aware of our stuff, the more we fix and heal our stuff, the more Harville Hendrix in this Imago Therapy theory calls, the more conscious you become. And your job is to be in conscious partnership with your match, right?

And yourself.

And yourself, right? And right, the more you do with yourself, the better you're gonna find you're gonna be able to do that with someone else, and the better that your partner does that work, right? And that's why, like, you have people who are just not matches because they're just not playing at the same level. Of healed stuff. So we're going to go through some of the things from that Harville Hendrix wrote, and this is from his, uh, book Keeping the Love You Find: A Guide for Singles. There's also, uh, Getting the Love You Want, which is an awesome guide for couples. Uh, both books can go either way, but this one's a little bit more dedicated to those who are not yet in a relationship, uh, of their, you know, healthiest choosing. So this can help you unpackage a lot of that. So we're going to go through about We'll try to get through all of them tonight, but maybe we won't. But we'll start off with this and maybe we'll have a part 3. So what does a relationship based on real love look like? And according to him, that's called a conscious relationship versus like every person you meet, like, "Oh, I fell in love." Right? You know those people, Chava? You've had them as some of your singles, right?

I've had it myself years ago too. Guilty as charged.

There you go. Busted. So the more you figured out about yourself, the more time you took, what happened?

The more I understood that it wasn't what I was looking for. It wasn't what I wanted. I had to figure out and understand who I was as an individual first, and looking for things that essentially would bring contentment and happiness to my world and not the opposite.

Right. And Harville Hendrix talks more about that. It's the oblivious to your needs that you're hoping someone else will have a— you know, I describe it based on his work, based on the fact that It's as if someone had a crystal ball to interpret what your needs are. And if only they can interpret what my needs are without me even knowing and without me being expressive of it, then everything will be okay for me. And then I'll finally be happy. And then I can finally feel the love that I need to feel. And maybe then I can finally give the love that I'm capable of giving. Right? So that's the shift from moving from an unconscious relationship to a conscious relationship. So here's the difference of, of what, what they talk about, of what a conscious relationship differs from an unconscious one. So number one, the partners in a conscious relationship recognize that the purpose of their relationship is to heal their childhood wounds. So therefore, they're committed to identifying the drives and the directives of their unconscious and to designing the relationship to cooperate with them. So let's take that a little bit further. They recognize that their partner's needs are a blueprint for their own growth. In other words, the stuff about them that annoys you and bothers you and that you're attracted to on the positive side is exactly what that, so to speak, that manifestation is of the stuff that you need to work on. Because if it wasn't there and it didn't show up, it wouldn't bother you, right?

Oh, interesting.

Yeah.

Well, I didn't think about that. Wow.

So in other words, your mate, your your partner is kind of supposed to be the sandpaper to your unfinished wood.

Your personal growth.

Your personal growth. Yeah. Yeah. But if you blame them for all of the pain and suffering they're causing you because they're irking you, that's not their fault because that stuff would be there no matter what relationship they're going to be in. Right?

Right. That's your unfinished business.

That's your unfinished business. The stuff that triggers you about them is the stuff that you need to work on because it only bothers you because it bothers you.

I have to think about that one.

So when you walk around the world, let's take it to a practical day-to-day application. Stuff that's going on, especially right now, we're in the middle of a pandemic. We are very conflictual political season. The stuff that bothers someone about the other side, there's some level of that theme that you have to deal with, whether it's micro to macro, micro to micro, macro to micro, right? There's something about that theme that's going on for you. Now, it may not be like about politics and it may not be about the pandemic, but it's about something else relative to that. Theme. So if everybody's listening, and, um, so Chava, you'll pick something maybe, and I'll pick something and I'll share, right? Pick a theme that you know that when you see it show up, it just irks you. So for me, I remember one time I was on a date and, um, we're at a restaurant, this family was over a few tables away, and I saw them get up and they had like 4 plates of tzatziki, and it killed me, killed me. Like, it took everything in my restraint to not to get up and like knock over and take this huge— I'm like, how can they waste all that food? That's like $50 worth of sushi, right? And it's like, that's insane, right?

Right. So what is that supposed to reflect on you?

So for me, coming from second general, now third generation Holocaust survivor, being brought up that, right, everything can find a use and it should go to use and don't waste. Then seeing that, that it wasn't my dinner table, it wasn't my money, but But it's like, how can they waste that? It's perfectly good sushi. And, and at that point, like, you know, as I was figuring out what that represented to me, right, it was coming from a place of, of lack, right? What do I see in my life that I don't— that I'll never have enough of, or that I'm worried I won't have enough of? And I had to figure out the, right, the theme underneath the issue, because the issue is never the issue, it's the theme. So if I play that out in different relationships, will there ever be— and right, whatever it was in different dynamics of my life, I had to figure out what's the, what's the Jenga piece in order to help fix that. And we all have stuff like that.

We for sure do. Now, when you say theme, that's the underlying core issue?

Yeah, I mean, it could be, right? Because it could be the common denominator between stuff. So if you have a topic of like, these 4 things really bother me, okay, so what's the common denominator between all of those things? What's the thread that ties them all together? And usually you have a theme.

Uh-huh.

Right. So I figured out that theme was like, you know, do you have— can it be still used? Is it useful? Is it gonna— could it go to someone else? Could I have donated it, right? Why didn't they donate it? Because I grew up right in youth group and, and, and, and synagogue stuff. Like, you know, we did our food drives and we did our, right, doing stuff for the homeless. And so it's like, but all these people, like, how are they wasting that? Why are they so not caring about that. And that's just my shtick. That wasn't their shtick, it was my shtick. It doesn't bother them, it bothers me. Why does it bother me? So that's a really good example. And we do this in relationships as well, about when we see things in the other person.

Oh, for sure. Wow. Um, like, sounds so interesting, this concept of being triggered by something someone else is doing and it's a reflection upon ourselves to what we think— I mean, I think what we are dealing with on the internal level.

Yeah, yeah, which is huge. So again, right, the partner in our conscious relationships recognize that the purpose of their relationship is to heal their childhood wounds. And the person there, the more you do that work with each other, the more aware, the more you're not going to blame them or be upset for them, for them bringing that stuff up. It's kind of like you need something to push up against in order for the relationship truly to be a relationship. Because if you're alone, nothing bothers you because you're not pushing up against anything. There's no friction. There's supposed to be friction in a relationship, and that's where the growth comes from.

Is it vital? I think it's— I mean, is it important to find a partner that will help us grow as a person? Is it important to find that, or is it something negative? Like, why would I— like, for example, why would I want to chase someone or find a partner that makes me feel not lovable, not worthy of myself. Like, that will do.

That's your dominant theme that you already are unaware of. You are going to attract someone who's going to make you continuously feel that way, right? So let's say that's the theme for a person, then they're going to attract that extreme. Like, I want to say, oh, they make me feel so great, but why do they also make me feel like crap? And that all goes back to that unfinished business in you until you figure out why that bothers you, what's underneath that. Like you said, it's all about you doing the healing for you.

Wow.

So you do need— so it's not like you should look for someone who is conflictual to you. It's that every relationship you will be in, there will be something that irks you, pushes your buttons, annoys you, bothers you, pisses you off. And instead of blaming the other person, be like, okay, so what, what's going on with that for me? Why does that bother me? What does that mean to me? What's the thread underneath that? And that's what we're talking about, step 1 of a conscious relationship. So they write and they realize that following this map of this blueprint, that this is for the personal growth, is work. It's hard work, right? That's why we call it in Hebrew, ezar kenegdo, right? They're opposite you. But really, like, if you're not getting along, it's great. It's the term, uh, kenegdo is against you, not opposite you, right? They can be the partner opposed to you and making it more difficult, right? So this is the process that— this is a basic principle of the conscious relationship is intentionality. Do you realize this? Do you remember this? That when you're upset at your partner, when you're upset when you're dating and that annoys you, what is it about? What am I believing about what I think I'm seeing? What's the belief underneath that? That's the question I want people to start asking themselves. Good. Should we go for a little bit further?

I'm intrigued.

All right, so here—

yeah, yes, you did.

All right, so here's number— here's number 2. Number 2 is the partners in a conscious relationship educate each other about their childhood wounds. This is what I went through, this is what bothered me, this is what I'm afraid of, this is what I felt like when I was 6 years old. And— but you have to, again, right, it's conscious. That's the key thing. You gotta have done your work, your unfinished business. They identify their partner's needs and desires. What do you need from me? Not what do I want to give you, right? When we talked about the love languages, right? The whole thing of the love languages is not to project yours and say, well, this is my love language, so I'm going to treat everybody with mine. It's to find out what everybody else's love language is and give it to them according to their needs. So this goes hand in hand with that.

It does. It actually does make sense. Yeah, it does. Right.

So again, the partners in a conscious relationship educate each other about their childhood wounds. They identify their partner's needs and desires and they commit themselves to meeting them. How can I be of help to help you heal?

Right. So my question, my question is, shouldn't these issues be spoken about prior to dating or prior to a committed relationship? I mean, on the surface level, you can go out with somebody and just avoid speaking about these type of very intense, passionate discussions about childhood trauma or and stuff like that, like, I think it's important to discuss it prior to any type of investment into the relationship, no? But how would you bring that up as a matchmaker? How would I even bring that up? Like, do you have issues that you haven't dealt with? Do you see a therapist? Like, what do I say? Like, what do we say?

Well, I mean, we can go from very simple to, what's your belief about going to therapy?

Ah, and that's like a blank slate.

Yeah, that's a very simple way into it, right? And I'm not saying first date, second date, but if it's something that you want to pursue and you're like, you know, like, so when, so when things go get difficult in your life, who do you go to for resources and help? And if the person says like, no, well, I usually just handle it by myself. And you're like, listen, I'm all about creating a dream team of people around me. And, and I go to a therapist and I support therapy. And I'm totally open to going to therapy with a partner and the person's like, and then they ask again. And what happens if we had, if you are in a relationship and you had issues?

Oh, no, it's not anybody else's business.

That's between between us, then that's probably not going to be a good match for you. But you have to know that and not be afraid to ask. And I think I mentioned this a few weeks ago in one of our— whether it was here or in another conversation where a woman called me for couples counseling, and she's like, I really want to come in. But my husband's not into therapy. Like, all right, well, let me know when he is. Happy to help you individually. But I'm not going to take you on for couples counseling because if he doesn't buy into the process and he's going to sit here trying to debunk everything I say, then that's not going to be useful for any of us.

That's not going to help either party. And you can't help one without the, you know, the other in hand.

Right, right. So I think figuring that out and asking those questions like, what do you use? Like, what helps you when things are tough? What do you do when you get frustrated? How do you respond to things that annoy you? But these are all— there's a list of, I think, 100 questions that you should ask on a date before getting engaged, right? That's it. So you can— everybody can Google it. And it has like all these really awesome questions that you can ask on dates, and you're really going to get to know your partner. But don't be afraid. And if it's like, what are you asking all these things for? You're trying to ask too much. Or, or they kind of like, I don't know, then, right? That's low frequency. So low frequency people who are afraid are going to get people who they're not— they're going to— they're not going to ask the questions to get the answers that they need. And therefore, what's gonna happen later on? They end up in my office, right? I mean, everybody ends up in my office, but like, you know, it doesn't matter. But like, but like, they're more likely to have more difficult challenges that they knew bothered them, but they didn't have the audacity or the strength to say, I want to talk about this because they didn't want to push the other person's buttons.

And also, I mean, perhaps also, it also includes like, lack of self-awareness.

Yeah, total, total, right? Fear. It's, it's insecurity. It's all of that stuff.

Wow.

I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to get them upset. So you're going to suffer struggling through this because you don't want to piss them off, but you're suffering on the inside. But you know, this bothers you and you know you want to get this handled, but you'd rather not talk about them, to talk to them about these things and suffer through and hope one day you're going to wake up and it's going to be different. It's not how that works.

Well, that's so damaging to yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So let's take it a little bit further. And then we'll, we're gonna have a part 3, it seems like. So the next one, this is number 3. Partners in a conscious relationship accept each other's absolute separateness, their unique way of perceiving reality, the sacredness of each other's inner world. They consider themselves So this is tough for a lot of cultural backgrounds. Equal. And it's not separate but equal. It's not, here's your role, here's my role. It's, are we together proactively agreeing on our roles that's going to work for both of us together in this specific relationship dynamic? Not, I expect my wife to do this and I expect my husband to do this. And no matter what relationship or dating wet marriage I go into, I'm just going to blanketly expect it and never have that conversation with them because they should know and they should understand. That's just my community's thing, or that's just my thing, you know, and I'm only going to date people who get that even though I've never discussed it with them.

How challenging is that to transition and transform your, your mindset or the way that you're brought up in your environment to something that needs to be beneficial to you? I'm sure it's it's hard. How would somebody start that process?

Well, that's the personal development side of things that we're hoping and expecting people in our community to take upon themselves, because that's what makes the community of people who are connecting through this and through the Facebook group and, and to both of us and to other people in our, in our circles that we're hoping and expecting that y'all are going to be doing this type of work to figure this out.

Lots of homework. This is, this is not just, uh, You know, we have this Amazon Prime mindset. We want things right now, yesterday morning. Why is it late? It should be here by 8 o'clock. And all of this, I think, is, is hard work. This is every single day, you know, investing into you, working on yourself. And it's challenging. You'll have some days where you're confident, you'll work on yourself. You'll have your bad days and good days and bad days. It's just part of, part of, you know, human nature. But to keep on working on yourself and understanding that, you know, what's healthy, what's not healthy on a conscious level.

Right. And also to help your partner, give them the opportunity, the space, the energy to work on themselves too, and not withhold their ability to continue working on themselves. That's the other side of the coin, right? It's that you're separate but equal. It doesn't mean we're separate but different, but we're equal but different. Well, I mean, yeah, you know, at some level neurologically we are. But if you go into these relationships, well, I'm just right. If you're in a certain cultural community, you're like, well, I'm looking for someone who should get it automatically. Well, yeah, but not everybody's exact, exact, even in specific communities where there might be expectations and assumptions that everybody's so uniform or cookie cutter.

Interesting.

So that's that idea, right? The third one, that partners in a conscious relationship accept each other's absolute separateness. Again, their unique way of perceiving reality, their sacredness of each other's inner world, and they consider themselves equals, and they explore and mirror each other's worlds. How can I help you? How can you help me? How can I be of a vessel for you? How can I be of— me to do to uplift you? How can I cheerlead you? I encourage you. How can you cheerlead me?

Shouldn't there be like a healthy, like a healthy dose of that without enabling your partner? Like, where do you draw the line between enabling your partner and developing like codependency? Like spoonfeeding them or just giving them just the chizuk, like the strength, like you can do this on your own. Like, how can I help you become stronger as an individual? And at the same time working together as a team? Like, where do you draw that line?

Well, you kind of answered the question because you asked the question. Where can I help you? And then that person who asked the question, where can I help you, has to agree and say, ah, that sounds really great. I'm not the best person for that. Or that's really awesome. I can do that for you. And it's not going to be a detriment. So again, it goes back to asking the questions. Again, this is the difference. And it's so simple. It's, it's binary. It's either a conscious relationship or it's an unconscious. And the more you're bringing these questions to the surface, the more you're being an investigative journalist versus a judge, jury, and executioner, the more successful this relationship is going to be, right? So let's just review quickly the 3 things about a conscious relationship of the 7. We'll get more into next time. Is the one— the partners in a conscious relationship recognize the purpose of their relationship is to heal childhood wounds. That's number 1. That's the first step of intentionality. Number 2, based on all that, they educate each other and then they find a way to ask and connect. Like you were just saying, what can I do to help you? What can I do to make sure I don't push your buttons? And if I do push your buttons, what am I going to probably see you do? How would— what's the best way to respond to that? I did that with one of my couples the other day. And the husband said, when my wife does this, this, and this, I hate it. And the first line of defense probably would have been like, well, get her to stop doing that, right?

Easy, right? Easy.

But that doesn't solve the problem, right? The problem is in what is it about that, that rep— what does that represent to you? And how can you get neutral about that? Because that's probably not even what it means. You're just interpreting it as such.

100%, right?

So that's 2. And then 3 is that partners in a conscious relationship accept each other as true separate but equal partners, and that where the dialogue is part of the main part of the communication, which leads you back to that. So we're getting deeper.

Wow, this is an intense session. Wow, I, I'm just sitting back and just like listening and learning, actually. Thank you for the class.

Sure, so glad to be of service. So yeah, so as we reconnect, so for those of you who haven't yet followed us on Instagram, please do so. It's @havewegotamatchforyou.

And Chava, your personal Instagram is @chavashaulov and I'm Chava Shaulov on Facebook as well.

There you go. And you can also check out my other podcast called You Winning Life. It blends together psychology, natural and alternative wellness, spirituality, and entrepreneurship are the four pillars I believe that help contribute to being the most successful and empowered. Called You Winning Life, and on Instagram it's the same thing. You can check that out. And until we, uh, see you guys again, and we'll continue with part 3, why do I attract who I attract? So see you guys all soon.

Yes, thank you so much for joining us. Have a good night.