Have We Got A Match For You Ep. 3-Understanding the 5 Love Languages

Everybody, so welcome back to the Have We Got a Match for You podcast. I'm Jason Wasser. I'm with my co-host, Kaba Shaulov.

Hi, everybody.

What's going on? So welcome back. This is our first live streaming podcast. And we know that today in the Facebook group of Divine Soulmates, there was a major question about the Five Love Languages and how you apply it. And we wanted to take some time. I know, Chava, you had some questions that you saw people were talking about. So do you want to kind of cue it up and then we can kind of take it from there?

Sure. So I believe— thank you, Jason Wasser, first and foremost, for having me as a co-host. I do appreciate that. Thank you.

Of course.

So there seems to be some sort of confusion as to what the Five Love Languages are and what they mean. In a relationship and how to reciprocate it efficiently and effectively towards your partner. So Jason, if you don't mind taking over the floor and explaining to everybody what are the 5 love languages, how to receive it, how to reciprocate it, and so on and so forth.

Yeah. So The 5 Love Languages is a book that was written by a gentleman named Gary Chapman. He's the director of the Marriage and Family Life Consultants. He does seminars and whatever, but he's most famous for this theory of The Five Love Languages. So one of the many things that are out there, right, when you're doing couples counseling or relationships is how do I truly connect with the person that I'm with? Because I try all the time. I try to do this for them and that doesn't work. And I try to take them on a date and it doesn't work. And I try to buy them a gift and it doesn't work. And I come home at the long day and I buy them flowers and that doesn't work. So what am I doing wrong? And why isn't anything I try ever working? So I wanna share a story first, and that will kind of give us a context of everything where we're going in. So years ago in my office, I saw this couple and they came in and the wife was like, our marriage is on the rocks. Like, I'm like months away from asking for a divorce. And he's looking at me and he goes, Jason Wasser, we have a great marriage. I don't know what's going on. I'm so happy with her. We have a good life. We have a good home. We don't really fight. So I'm kind of confused about what's happening and what the heck is going on in this. And she's sitting there on one couch, and he's sitting on another couch, which is already a bad sign, right? They weren't sitting together on the same, you know, on the same thing. And so I started unpacking, like, what's going on and their backstory and the history of their relationship. And there was no significant major issues. There was no trauma. There was no infidelities. There's no emotional or physical abuse. It was a normal typical modern relationship. So I start sharing this theory with them of the 5 Love Languages. And I explain each one. But first I had them, right, go and do the quiz. And as I went through each category, and the categories are words of affirmation, which is don't tell me that you think I'm nice, or don't tell me that you think I'm good looking, or don't tell me that you're proud of me. Tell me the reason behind why those words mean something to you. Right? So that's the first one. That's words of affirmation. The second one is quality time. Quality time isn't we sat on the couch watching the Kardashians, or you're making me watch sports with you. And you think that's great because, oh, my girl's watching sports with me, but yet you don't really care to be watching it with him, right? Quality time is uninterrupted. Phones are off. You're not on Instagram. You're not doing social media. You're not on the phone. You're not hitting up texts or whatever it may be. It's inter— uninterrupted actual connection time face to face. The next one is receiving gifts. And receiving gifts has nothing to do with the cost. And that's the misnomer, right? You were talking about this date that you went on, right? And what did the guy say to you?

Well, which date?

The one about the money, right?

Oh, so I went on a date and, you know, he was boasting and bragging about how much money he makes and how much millions in real estate he has in assets and liquid. And that was a complete turnoff because that's not what I'm looking for. It's not what I need to make me feel happy. I need other forms of, you know, reciprocal love being given to me, not in the form of money. That's not for me. So he didn't understand who I was and obviously projected his own, I think, idea of what I wanted and obviously didn't work out. But I think it's important for singles who are dating to understand how to effectively communicate each other, you know, if affection or gifts of, you know, if they want gifts, obviously you have to understand what they want. You can't just assume anything.

Right. So the idea of like him, like he was like, well, I'm going to be able to give you all of these things. So for someone, right. And for someone who's a receiving gifts person, person, that may connect for them. But, but I want to be very clear so people can understand the nuance of this one, because a lot of people really mess this one up. And it's usually— funny enough, I find this to be consistently at the lower end of the couples that I've been seeing for the last many years, that this shows up pretty low. Receiving gifts isn't about the cost, right? It's about, I was out, I saw this, it made me think of you, or I know that you were looking forward to this, or I know that this is something that would excite you. It literally can be your favorite ice cream. Flavor, right? It can be, I was at the grocery store and I saw your favorite actress on the COVID of People magazine or whatever. And I thought of you and I brought it home free, right? It's something that's specifically nuanced to the connection about what the other person likes. It's not the old joke of, right, the anniversary gift and the husband buys the wife an iron, right? It's not that. That's not the receiving gifts.

That's grounds for something else. Maybe therapy. Right.

That's where she takes it and she knocks him around the head with it. Right. So, so that's the third one. And then the next one is acts of service. So this is a really interesting one. Acts of service on the positive side is, I know you're capable of doing this, but let me help you out to help you unburden yourself. What can I do to make your life easier? The negative side of that is that if someone who's an acts of service person has one of their highest, you know, usually their one or their top one or two, If someone's an acts of service person and they see someone making their life more difficult, they're adding more burdens, they're making them have to work harder, they're making them have to clean up after them, or they're making them have to take care of the children more, and it feels very unbalanced, and that person's love language is acts of service, that's going to radically damage the connection between the two of them. So, right? So the first side, the good side is, I know you can do this and I know you usually got this, but let me get that for you. Even if it's like just taking out the garbage, right? I know you did it. Right? So it doesn't have to be this big grandiose thing. And that's what I want people to hear. And the last one is physical touch. And again, a lot of people mistake, especially men, mistake physical touch for sex. And it's not. It's physical touch is just connection. It could be a squeeze on the shoulder as you're walking by the person. It could be a squeeze of the hand. It could be holding hands. It could be a hug. It can be a high five. It's not about sexuality and sex. It's about physical Connection in a non-sexual— now there is an intimate connection, so it's still going to be, but it doesn't have to be something that leads into sexual activity, right? So those are the 5: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. So I know the other day you were telling me a story about someone who was kind of like missing the idea of this. I don't know if that's, you know, you want to give a general on that.

Yeah. So I'm going to keep it very general as to not identify the couple. So He explained to me that they were not compatible because they did not have the same love languages, and he thought that because they don't have the same alignment, alignment of this type of communication, he never thought this is not a match, and he, you know, ended it with her. Now, is it possible for two people to have two separate love languages and have a long-lasting, strong relationship?

Yeah, right. The trick is that the love languages don't have to be the same, right? What the difference is that people need to figure out and learn is that you need to become aware of your partner's love language. That's the big thing. People mistakenly think that their love language, or they don't even know what their love language is, but they know how they like connecting with people. Oh, I'm the person who always gives gifts, right? You have friends in your life that like, and everybody either knows that person or you're that person if you're listening to this, that you're the person that for everybody's birthday you're the gift giver, you won't miss it for the world. And if it's not a gift, it's a card, like you're that person, right? You know, when everybody's birthday is, and you know, they're gonna have a card on their birthday, right? That's, that's the receiving gifts. So for you, that might be your actual organic way of, you know, giving, of getting love, but you're projecting that onto everybody the way that you want to be loved. And the trick is, is that you have to learn how all people in your life, and it starts off in romantic relationships, but This works with every human being, whether it's a business situation, whether it's a friend, whether it's your child, to know what their love language is and connect with them according to how they need to be loved, not how you want to love them.

Right. So another question I have for you. So is it okay to— let's say someone is so used to not projecting but exhibiting this type of love towards other people, not being aware and conscious of how other people, people need to be shown affection, shown what they need, right? So is it possible to sort of not sacrifice but to conform? Not really conform, but to kind of change up. Is it okay to do that, or is it something that you shouldn't have to do?

Meaning, yeah, when you say conforming, give me a little bit more of a specific example.

Let's say, for example, I know it's very, very difficult for people to adjust to their own lifestyles to better, you know, their, the, you know, the other person's wants and needs of how they feel they need to be fulfilled, you know, in the relationship, right? So let's say somebody who's a gift giver, right, and their partner or just needs words of affirmation, right? So is it okay as a matchmaker to ask the single, listen, she needs words of affirmation, can you try to work on that?

Absolutely.

Okay, so it's okay to—

okay. Not only should you not, not only should it become from COVID hidden to overt, blatantly known, because that's, you know, questions people should ask in a relationship. How can I love you? What do you need from someone as close as you want me to be to show you that I care? Versus I'm just going to show you that I care about you in the way that I organically show everybody I care about you, right? So, so, and one of my rules of thumb, and the people who are part of all my classes hear this from me on auto repeat, is always ask for what you want, because no one's going to read your mind. And B, You're not going to get it unless you ask for it because, you know, usually people have an insecurity. I'm not deserving of it. I'm not worthy of it. They're going to maybe not like me if I ask for something, right? All those people, right? That affirmation and being more affirmative versus like, I don't want to come across a certain way. But absolutely, absolutely, absolutely learn what your love language is. And you go on the app, you can take it, you take the test on the app and then you can do it. On the other hand, the other person takes it, and then you put your— the other person's language in the app, and it gives you assignments to do. So you can't screw it up.

Maybe you can post that link in the comment section so members can take it.

Absolutely. So everybody can go to 5— the number 5— lovelanguages.com, and then you'll see, right, what's your love language. Then if you download the app, whether your iPhone or Android, it has it on both platforms. And then you, you know, whether it's a child, whether it's a partner, whatever it is, you know, you can then put in their love language, and it will send you— and you swipe it when you're— when you complete it, and then it gives you another challenge. So it's really cool because it's a consistent momentum. So that's really what's really powerful about this. And it's so simple. Like so many times we have couples that come in and it's like this big fight and this big headache. And I just ask them this as one of the platform philosophies that I walk them through. And just to kind of get them unified on the same way of thinking so we can kind of like streamline them from like all the ways that they've been trying to do things or whatever it is. And. And once they start putting this into place, like, oh yeah, I missed that. So going back to the story of this couple, to tie it all together, I had them do their love languages and his were all these things and hers were all of those things, X, Y, and Z. So he's looking at that map as I put it on my whiteboard and I put the numbers right of highest to lowest and I put hers on the whiteboard highest to lowest next to each other. See which ones are kind of the same, which ones are opposite in order. And he goes, see, I do all of these things for her, but we'll do some basic math. When you divide 100% by 5 or 100 by 5, you have 20. So he was only in her eyes, if her top 2 things were words of affirmation and acts of service, he was only doing those 2 things 40% of the time. He was only hitting her top language, love language, 20% of the time. So 2 out of every 10 connections, she felt connected to him. At max, 4 out of every time, out of every 10 times they were connecting.

Talk about miscommunication.

Right? So she's like, I'm not getting anything from you because it's below 50%, right? It's, you're real, you're, you're, you're not even feeding the beast. It's not even consistent. It's less than half the time. And he's like, but I'm doing all of these things all of the time, except he was doing 20%, 20%, 20%, 20%, 20%. He just thought as, I'm doing 100%, right? And she's like, no, you're giving me 20%. And that's how the practical application of love languages works. And really a simple, simple takeaway. So for everybody out there who's listening to this, and I know there was a big thing in the chat group today, right? You have to look at it as a more systemic philosophy on a very simplistic level. Yes, you should know your love language and you should ask for it. That also means that you probably are typically likely to show people that you care about them and you love them in that same way. And your job is to learn what theirs is and then do according to them. And it might be your weakest one, right? Mine is receiving gifts, and that's the lowest one on the totem pole for me. But if I'm dating someone and receiving gifts is the highest one for them, then I have to make sure that that's what I do consistently. Even though if they return that favor to me, right, because that's theirs, they might automatically do it. Well, I, I like gifts, so I'm going to give you a gift. They have to do the same thing. They have to learn what my top love language is.

It's all about adapting. Yeah, it's all about adapting to each other's wants and needs for sure.

Exactly, exactly.

When you bring this up, so let's say you're on a first date. Is it okay to bring up this type of topic? Is it— I think it's a great topic of conversation. Yeah, it's a great way to see if you guys are compatible emotionally. And is it like a proper topic to discuss on the first date, second date, or prior to dating?

What do you think? Yeah, well, I think that one of the ways to talk about it within the first couple of dates would be, yeah, so I'm curious, like, you know, how do you like people to show that they care about you? You don't have to say the word love, right? Because like we were talking, like, that can scare someone away right off the bat, right? Right. Totally another time. We'll get to that another time. But we can say like, hey, how, how does, how do the people, how do you like the people closest to you showing you that they care? Do you know about this thing called the love languages, right? The Five Love Languages, and right, and then you go to it. And if the person says, yeah, I think that's a bunch of crap, Tap.

Uh-oh. Ask for the check.

Ask for the check, right? Or have a healthy discussion without trying to convince them of anything. But if you're a person who's into this, and you've studied this, and you maybe read the book, or you watch the YouTube videos and whatever, and you're in your very— you're more self-aware about these things, you know, have a polite conversation about it. Because you never know where that might trickle-down effect might have on them. But also know that like, oh, okay, so then you can start asking questions. So what other What types of like relationship things do you think are hokey or full of crap or whatever? Right? And then right there, you're going to know right off the bat whether this person is a growth-oriented person or not, whether they're a self-aware, self-personal development person or not. And if you continue to date them long-term, and we're going to get into this over and over again in the future episodes, if you continue to date them knowing this and you tolerate that and 10 years later you end up in my office, like, but it was a problem from day one, but I thought she was going to change, or I thought he was going to change. That's on you and not on them.

Exactly. We're not here to fix people. We're not here to fix anyone. And I always tell everyone, don't look for potential. The second the person walks through your door, whether it's a man or woman, they need to be ready for a solid, grounded relationship.

Yep.

Yep. We're not anyone— everyone needs to work on self-development, self-introspection. Everyone needs to be growth-oriented no matter what. 15 minutes a week, listen to a class or, you know, listen to our podcast and learn a couple of things and listen to our suggestions and our advice and our knowledge. And I think being growth-oriented in terms of knowing like, you know, where you stand emotionally and what you need as a person, I think it's crucial to any relationship, no matter what stage of you are, whether it's the beginning stage of relationship, whether you're getting— whether you're married, you have to always learn, you know, Yep, agree.

And this is one of the simplest, simplest things that we can do. Looking forward to our next conversation. If you have any questions, for those of you out there listening, we have this really cool way of reaching us. You can obviously reach out to us on Facebook or on our Instagram. Yes, have we got a match for you. But if you want to leave an audio message where we might actually use your voice and likeness in a future episode, like, hey, my name is Jason Wasser and I'm calling about this question, right? We might use that little clip of you, right, by using— if you want to use this platform and include it in our, in our podcast and give you a personal shout out. And you can go to speakpipe.com/havewegotamatchforyou and you can leave us a voicemail that we get specifically, and we can take that and we can implement that to future questions that you all want answered. Or you can, you know, again, reach out to us on the Insta Instagram, have we got a match for you. So with that, Chava, anything else you want to throw at them before we go?

Fantastic class. Thank you, Jason Wasser. Thank you.

All right, so guys, we'll see you soon.

Yes.