Values Based Decision Making @ Limmud Miami: Jason Wasser, LMFT Video

Thank you.

So first of all, obviously today's a heavy day, and, or at least over the weekend's a heavy weekend. So, you know, one of the ways to shift our mindset about all the difficulties that's been going on— Wait, they're shutting the door. So one of the ways for us to shift our mindset about the difficulties that's been going on is to go to a place of gratitude. So first, I want to, you know, thank everybody that's been involved. If you have volunteers here, Steve, that have been helping out and putting this together. I was actually one of the people who got Danny involved in LeeMood in the first place. We used to teach Hebrew high school together for the Broward Federation and suckered him into this a bunch of years ago, and now this has become his, his 1, 2, 3, 4th baby, I guess. He has 3 kids, right? So really want to extend tampa menorah and Rabbi Pearlson and Danny and everybody else who's been involved. Okay, so it's all good. I don't have a microphone. So this class is called Midot-Based Decision Making. So when they asked me to speak, usually my forte is spirituality, meditation, alternative medicine. And over the last 2 years, I've been taking this really wild journey into the world of entrepreneurship. And entrepreneurship, if you've been anywhere near the internet over the last couple years, has been the new cool thing to do. From like being 14 years old and having a business, or you're redeveloping your business now, this title entrepreneurship is like the cool buzzword that's floating around. So after going through this program, that I've been involved with, I decided that I wanted to take all the concepts that they were teaching me and figure out where they were connected to Judaism. So if you're in Rabbi Pearlson's speech where he challenged us that you're never gonna be able to look at a movie again, or something like that, and do it through the Jewish lens, myself as someone who grew up in youth group and working on college campuses and formerly a professional Jew before I became a therapist, started revamping and looking at those things, the entrepreneurship world, from a Jewish lens. So the word midot-based decision-making, that term originally comes from values-based decision-making, which is very big in the business and entrepreneurship world. So first, how do we make it Jewish? So there was a book called the Mesilat Yesharim, The Path of the Righteous, which was created by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Musato, otherwise known as the Rav Kahl. In his introduction of chapter 1, he He wrote that this is the general review of the duty of human beings in the world. The foundation of saintliness and the root of perfection in the service of God lies in a person's coming to see clearly and to recognize as a truth the nature of his or her duty in this world and the ends towards which he or she should direct his or her vision and the aspirations and all the labors and all of the days of their lives. So when we take it back to that mindset of entrepreneurship, it sounds pretty much like a mission statement. What are you doing? What are you passionate about? What are you here to accomplish? And how do you put that into the world? So my goal today is to help you to find some level of alignment with yourself and the purpose of what you're here to do in this world, no matter what age you are, no matter what you do in your life, and to help you do it and to identify core values that could be Jewish values or general values, which at the end of the day, we can all make them Jewish values, in every single major category of your life. So part of this is gonna be a little bit of Jewish learning, part of it's gonna be a little bit of workshopping, and we're gonna kind of split it up into two. So, as Rav Kahl stated, The more we identify and we work on our nature as it applies to our aspirations, the more we can come closer to G-d. So the term Avodat Hashem. Heard that term before? Avodat Hashem. The service of G-d. Right? But the word Avodah means what? Work. Right? Some people will describe it as toiling, right? But work. So this theme of work What are you doing on a daily basis? You have to work at your spirituality. You have to work at your family. You have to work at your relationships. You have to work on your health. So when I have a couple, I love it when like a couple comes in to see me and like, we want to have the best relationship ever. I'm like, okay, so let's start where you're at. Um, any books like, you know, Five Love Languages or anything from John Gottman or Brené Brown? Yeah. If anybody's not reading Brené Brown, you should. Anything like, like, no, no books. I'm like, okay.

Fun, get it?

Busy life, not everybody's a reader. YouTube videos? No, no, no YouTube videos. Talk to your rabbi, pastor, imam, guru. Anybody? No? Oh, okay, so you're full of crap. You don't want the best relationship, right? It's like Yoda in Star Wars, he says, you know, someone try or try not, there is no try, only do. So whenever I hear someone say, I'll try to do something, I kind of know that they're Aftuchasengit, you know, as they say. So what I want to help you do today is help you create clear identity, clear purpose. And the purpose comes from identity. We have a macro identity, right, as who we are, whether we're— right, however we identify, right? Male, female, whatever, Jewish, whatever it may be. But what is the things that we make on a daily basis the decisions that we make from that place from. So, in Pirkei Avot, chapter 6, verse 6, we read: The Torah is greater than the priesthood and then royalty, seeing that royalty is acquired through 30 different virtues, the priesthood 24, while the Torah is acquired through 48 different virtues. So, in Hebrew, What is the word for that virtue? What is the word? What is virtue in Hebrew? What's it translated as? Midah. And what's actually the definition of a midah? The characteristic, but the actual literal, right? So the actual literal translation—

we got some residents—

a measurement, right? So the measurement—

who are we?

How do we measure? What are we measuring ourselves up against? What's the, right, the yardstick as they used to say. And there's actually a great book called The Measure of a Man. It's about Martin Greenfield, the tailor. I don't know if anybody's seen him. It's actually my great— my grandmother's first cousin. So, right, how do you measure yourself up to what you're supposed to do? He was a Holocaust survivor, made suits. And when every suit he would make with anybody that was in any type of political thing, he would always put a note in their pocket about something for Israel. Going all the way back to the '70s, right? What's the measurement? Like, you know, I can't do so much, maybe, but I can do something and stick a little note in their pocket, and when they pull their suit, they'll see like Martin Greenfield wrote something about you better support Israel. What are you measuring yourselves up to? What are you putting into place? What are you putting into action, right? Everything we have to do in Judaism is about action. Every mitzvah is about action. So we have the idea of the term midot means measurement, but you also said that it's also—

what was the other term?

Exactly, exactly. So in the world of the Mussar movement, the Mussar, it means, you know, the work of ethics. It was a very, very, very big movement that came out of Eastern European Jewry, and they focused really on how would you become more pious, how do you become more strict and more balanced in all of your ways. And you can look at it from a psychological or a cognitive behavioral perspective. I have this issue and I want to work on this issue, whatever it may be, and here's the way to develop and work on your character traits and your personality through that. So the Cheshbon HaNefesh, which was a book, um, one of the books that was actually around that time, listed 13 different soul traits. I'm just going to list them. I'm going to put this all on a website so you can find this, and I'll give you the website afterwards because I haven't done it yet, but it'll be there. I didn't have time to print everything out. I wanted to minimize damaging trees as much as possible, so it'll be on the internet. So the 13 different traits that he talks about, and I'll just read them quickly, is humility, or anava, right? I am dust and ashes. And there's that great teaching from Rabbi Nachman of Breslov that you should have a note, two notes in your pocket every single time. One note in one pocket should say, "I am nothing but dust and ashes," right? To remember how to be humble and have humility. And the other side, the note should say, "The whole world was created only for me," which means go out and take action. If it's not going to be for you, if you're not going to do it, who will, right? If not me, who will, right? So second trait, gratitude, akarna-tva. Awaken what which is awaken to the good and give thanks. 3 is patience, savlanut, bear the burden of the situation. How many times, right? Driving Miami especially, savlanut is a big deal. 4th is honor, kavod, to really be able to look, especially in today's climate, that no matter what, every person has a spark of God in them, no matter how stupid they sound when they talk to you. And that goes both ways. I was talking to Dani before about someone's comment, and I'm like, listen, everybody's entitled to be wrong in their opinion, right? So be patient, right, and have honor. So the next one is generosity, nedivut, that the generous heart gives freely. Rabbi Carlson was talking about that his, um, I think it was his grandfather, his father taught that when they were kids, that when you would come home on Friday before Shabbat, everything in his pocket would go into the tzedakah box. No matter what, $5, 50 cents, it would just go right in there, right? Just give. Doesn't matter what was in there. It's too big to put in there. Everything goes in, right? So the concept of that. So number 6 is kindness and Chesed, where the world stands on kindness, right? Being respectful and kind to your neighbor. 7 is strength, Gvura, holding boundaries. Sometimes you do have to stand up for what you believe, even in the face of adversity, even if you're going to be put down for it. 8 is tranquility, menuchat hanefesh, which means rising above the good and the bad. Sometimes just put your head in the sand. Esther Hicks and the Laws of Attraction, sometimes she says, sometimes you got to be an ostrich, stick your head in the sand, go oblivious. Someone was saying, I can't remember which speaker was, is like, oh, I was watching, I was listening to, oh, um, it was, um, Zach. Zach was saying like, oh, I was on the way over here and I was listening to talk radio. I'm like, why? Why do that to yourself? Put on an audiobook, put on music, right? What's that going to do? What more is that going to give you except for like shilkies and pain and suffering, right? Even if it's a great speaker, but like, why go to things that are divisive? So that's my opinion. So trust, number 9, be tachon. They are always, always under God's wings.

Okay?

Number 10, zrizut, enthusiasm. Chase after doing something good. It says that you should be zrizut la'mitzvah, right? You should get up in the morning like a lion and you should be zrizut, you should be excited to take on the day. And there's so many books right now that are out in the world, like the, you know, The 4-Hour Workweek or The Miracle Morning about how do you get up? How do you, right? Waking up at 5:30 in the morning is like the thing, right? If you get up at 5:30 in the morning, You can tackle the day before anybody else tackles the day and be done with all of your personal stuff, and the rest of the world hasn't even started yet. Which one?

The beginning of the—

uh, it's Rizut. Enthusiasm. Enthusiasm. Yeah. Number 11, order, Seder. We're all familiar with that, right? Putting everything in its place, which is really going to go back to the theme of what we're going to tackle the rest of the seminar. Awareness, Zichirut. So it's funny, right? Awareness is like, we should be aware of our surroundings, especially with what's going on. But the actual real explanation of this is how do you shine an inner light? How do you look for what's really there? Kind of that different lens that you should put on to see the world through. That again, going back to the first thing of gratitude and positivity and stuff like that. But how do you have that awareness of seeing that there's something good that can come out of this and there's some holiness in that? And the last part, the last one, 13, is truth, or emet. And it says that truth is the seal of God. So those were the 13 basic characteristics. We can spend our entire life just working on those 13. But of course, as there is in Judaism, but wait, there's more. If you call in now, you'll get this extra thing. So going back to the break, so what about when the Pirkei Avot said that there were 48 different. So the verse continues, greater is the Torah than the priesthood of royalty, for royalty is attained through 36 qualifications, the priesthood through 24, but the Torah is attainable through 48. And they list them. I'm not going to list them all, but it says by having audible study— when you learn Torah, speak out loud— by distinct pronunciation, which I've been working on since I was in elementary school, By understanding, by discernment of your heart, by having awe, by having reverence, by being cheerful, by going and respecting your sages, by attaching yourself to having solid colleagues. Gary Vaynerchuk, a Russian Jewish immigrant who is doing this amazing stuff in the entrepreneurial world and inspiring a lot of people, his whole thing is look at your peer group and drop the loserist friend. Loserist friend. It's tough, it's harsh. And if you're that loserist friend, you got a lot of work to do. But you're the conglomerate of the 5 people that you spend most of your time with. And over the last couple years, I've really been putting this into place. And I've had some people who pretended to be really good friends in my life and claimed to be good friends in my life. And when I saw who their— what their ethics truly were, and my identity as far as Jason Wasser's reputation as attached to them, I realized I had to cut them out. That's tough. It's tough, especially when you don't want to be the bad person, and right, you don't want to hurt someone's feeling, and you'd rather take it and be, you know, very tough. But this is all a discipline. This is all a practice, right? Then it goes into some other stuff about the Torah and Mishnah, minimizing your business, minimizing worldly interests, minimizing your indulgence, sleep, jest, you know, laughing in jest, stuff like that. So we have all of these concepts that are already in our lives, in the Torah, to help not just do ritual, but how do we think, how do we practice, right? We all can potentially know how to light a Shabbat candle, we all know how to light Hanukkah candles, we all know how to, right, do whatever those rote rituals are due. But how do we think on the day-to-day basis in between the times when we're doing Jewish. So how do you do Jewish when you're not doing Jewish is really what they're asking. And this is the essential part of the Mussar movement as far as working on your midot, your character traits. So the word Mussar originally came from Proverbs, or Mishlei, where it's read, it says, hear, my son, the Mussar Avicha, the instructions of your father, and Torah Imecha, the Torah of your mother. And it's also found in Proverbs that, "He who rejects musar despises their own life, but he who hearkens to reproof acquires sense." So that— listen to that phrase. So what is it saying? I'll say it again. The person who rejects musar, the person who rejects working on themselves, despise their own life. But the person who hearkens to reproof acquires sense. What do you think that means?

Sense.

You have a duality.

I believe that you need to be grateful every day of your life.

Yep.

And gratefulness makes you happy. And I think you have to be grateful to God and to other people that do things to you. And that, for me, it's a big thing in my life. Yeah, I'm very grateful. I'm grateful for that answer.

Yeah, the duality as I see it is, "D'an l'chav shchut," giving everybody else the positive benefit of the doubt. Just not looking for the evil in somebody else, looking for the good.

Sometimes it's tough, sometimes you make mistakes, and you know, there are different keteres.

There's keter Torah, keter malchut, keter kahunah.

But it says the most important keter, the most important crown, is the Keter Shem Tov. And the Keter Shem Tov, your reputation, is how you impact in front of other people. Right.

Especially in today's culture where it's you're guilty first. We're gonna, whatever side you, right? It's not a political statement, but that's the way it is right now. In any situation, you're guilty first. Now prove you're innocent. And even if you are innocent, You're still God, right? So it's such an important thing. So all this stuff is so applicable, and we already have this imbued in our culture, in our language, right, in our history, in our texts. So in the biblical context, in the modern spiritual understanding of the word musar, this also means to be, uh, to have discipline. In a modern Hebrew, and in the usual Israeli usage, musar means ethics, right? We've talked about the meaning is bound up in terms much more than the ethics. So the spiritual value was stripped away when we were talking about this, like when it came to like, you know, the modern Hebrew language, the spiritual essence of it was stripped away. And how do you imbue this? Whereas it's just being like, we are disciplined people, we're going to go routine. But how do you have a spiritual routine? How do you have a personal identity routine? So this is something that over the last 2 years has been really, really powerful in my personal life. So now the backstory to round it back out is A few years before that, a colleague of mine— I practice this alternative medicine modality called neuro-emotional technique, and one of my colleagues— it's called neuro-emotional technique. Basically, it was created out of chiropractic about 30 years ago, and it finds how the body stories somatic emotional experiences and gets rid of the nervous system response to it. So think about it as an emotional allergy that you carry about whatever it may be, and it can turn both into physical symptoms and/or emotional symptoms. And one of my colleagues from there, for 2 years, Jason, you have to go to Dallas with me, there's this amazing conference, it's a business conference. And immediately my brain just shuts down. I'm a therapist, I'm a healer, right? I'm a spiritualist, not a business guy. 2 years I said no to you, and finally he convinced me and I went. In the first couple hours, everything I heard completely aligned with everything where I wanted to be, with all of what I wanted to accomplish. So the story that I heard that really got me on board was this idea that the person who created this program called Business Finishing School, his name is Rick Sappiel. Rick Sappiel grew up in Hoboken, New Jersey, one of 8 kids, and his father died really young of cancer, and his mother went— because of handling the stressors and other predisposed stuff— wasn't mentally well enough to take care of everybody. So 12, 13 years old, he was helping to work to support the family, fixing bicycles and doing all these really cool things. So he started really young in this mindset. And he was telling the story that he's now a capital venturist and he's worth a couple billion dollar range. And he's telling the story how one of his friends was having an issue with his teenage daughter. They went in Dallas from every single, the best therapist in Dallas. And she was dating this guy who was many years older than her. Who was also not only older but a bad influence. And she was going down the rabbit hole with whatever things that were going on. Therapist to therapist, nothing was making sense. So this guy was telling the story. He's like, "Let me take a shot at it." Now, Rick's not a therapist. He's an engineer. He went to Rutgers University. And he's like, "Okay, like, what harm can it do?" So he sits down with her and he has a conversation not about the issues, not about what's going on, but about values-based decision-making. And he gives her a worksheet to fill out, which is the worksheet that I'm gonna give out to you in a few minutes. She sits down, she thinks about it, okay? That was it, that was her meeting. About a month and a half later, the guy, the father is retelling Rick the story. He calls him and he's like, "I don't know what happened, my daughter just broke up with a guy." So the story goes, she came downstairs, bouncing down the stairs, steps in a really good mood. And she hadn't seen her in that way because they weren't communicating well. And she's like, what's up? He's like, oh well, I broke up with so-and-so. What do you mean? Like, we've been trying to get you to do that for so long. What changed? He wasn't in alignment with my values. So Every single person that I now see, I think it's a life obligation. No matter what they're coming to me for, I make them do this. My complete full-on bias. Full-on bias. How can I help you decide what you want? You're coming in to tell me you have a goal. You want to fix something. You want to make something better in your life. But how do you know you're really doing it based on something that's truly authentic for you? Or is it someone else's story? Is it in alignment with your values? We all have that. You say you want this, right? You say you want to buy something, you say you want to live somewhere, you say you want to be in a relationship, you say you want to go to a certain synagogue, but is it in alignment with your values, right? But how many times are our values reactionary, not proactive? What do you mean by that? Meaning We've created a narrative and a story throughout our life of picking up experiences, okay? And therefore, that's led us to be today, to define ourselves as something based on those experiences. But perhaps that's reactionary. Perhaps it's not proactive. And many times we make those choices based on— we don't even know why. So this is about shifting from a reactionary stance to a proactive stance, to really have power and control. In a certain way. You're saying you sometimes react, our emotions guide our actions. 100%. We are 4— our brain is—

Many times. Right.

So to take that to a neurological level, our brain is 4 times as likely to focus on something negative than it is to focus on positive. Why? Give me your best guess. Why is our brain 4 times as likely? Protection. Protection. So which, right, which is the oldest part of our brain. The lizard brain is about safety, life or death, and that overrides the limbic system, overrides neocortex, rational brain. This makes sense, but I'm still freaking out about it, right? So even if it makes sense, how many times have you had a decision you had to make that made absolute complete sense and you did the opposite, right? But in the current culture Yeah. I know. No matter what news you look at, what paper you read, we're all surrounded by negativity. So how do you shut all those things off? Stop reading those papers. It's very pashut. It's very simple. Take off— if you have any news apps on your phone, take them off your phone. If you are willingly leaving your TV on Whatever news channel, put on something else.

Put on jazz.

It's not. It's a decision. It's a decision that you are making. It is not hard. That's a story. It's just a story. So what if you don't know what everybody else knows about bullshit? Well said. Are you going to look back on your deathbed and say, you know what, I really wish I got more of MSNBC, Fox News, CNN News, I wish I got more time on that? So what the fuck are you doing? Stop reading papers.

Otherwise we're going to put ourselves at danger of things that will go on. I mean, there are a lot of—

How much more data do you need to know to be an activist? Seriously, right? My father, God bless him, has gone down the rabbit hole on a certain party, and I'm hoping it's— I'm not hoping it's senility, but I am. And he's like, I'm watching the news of whatever attack was 6 months ago, a year ago. That's really answering your question. He's like, he's like, I'm sitting here, I'm watching, it's 2 o'clock in the morning, I'm watching, I need, I'm watching more than like, go to sleep, it's 2 o'clock in the morning. I need to know what's going on. Well, I need to be more prepared.

For what?

What do you, what news data is going to make you more prepared tomorrow?

That's not the question. Whether, yeah, that's not, that's the, I think you have to be a well-informed citizen. I think it's so important. To balance it. Why aren't we trying to balance it? Why are they trying to get everyone to vote now? Because yes, it's very— in my opinion, I mean, everyone should vote.

Yes, but how compulsive? So there's always healthy investment in something, and then there's compulsive investment in something.

Okay.

And that's the duality. That's the duality. So it's really that simple.

How many— Ignorance is not bliss.

No, no, I'm not saying be ignorant. I'm just saying if it doesn't make you feel good, why go there? If it's not healthy for your soul or your psyche, why spend more time there? You are a masochist. I respect your narrative, but I disagree. So let's— I'm happy to discuss it, but we have, we have 20 more minutes. I want to, I want to keep flying. So I want to talk to you about the doorman principle. The doorman principle. We're in Miami, we're in the haven of nightlife, right? At least Don't ask a New Yorker or an LA person, but Miami is known for its nightlife more than anything, right? Everything else. And when a new club opens up, what's usually going on the first night of the, of the opening? Does everybody get in?

No.

Why not? Exclusivity. Invitation only, you said. Selective. So if they let every single person into whatever, I don't know, one of the nicest, most expensive clubs, right? VIP lounge. If everybody got in, what would it say about that place? Not exclusive. Not special. Not exclusive, not special. There's no quality to it, right? We let everybody in, and it's the difference between going to a chain restaurant and going to a high-end Michelin chef restaurant, right? Okay, be a little bit more selective. So the Doorman Principle can be defined as followed: it's the deliberate practice of defining a set of values and/or rules to dictate who or what is allowed to enter into your life, both personally and professionally. I'll also add spiritually, emotionally, food, all those things. So, which goes back to when we're talking about entrepreneurship, as I started off with a little bit, what's the definition of an entrepreneur according to my coach Rick, which I love? An entrepreneur is anybody, not just a person in a business, but any person who defines their core values and makes all accountable decisions based on that. So if you're a mother and you decide that you want to give your child only organic food and put them into a Montessori school, That is your core values and you're going to make decisions based on that. Do you own a business? So that theme of, right, this mindset is a very big shift. That's me dot based decision-making. It's a value. I'm deciding organic food and this style of education is what fits best for my purpose of my being a parent and for the purpose of my child.

Yes. So I actually wanted to ask you this this question before and I'm glad that you circled back to this place. So according to the Doorman principles and the principles of entrepreneurship as you described them, that means that we would never let someone in who needs our correction, needs our guidance, needs our mentoring because we see the potential in them to come to a set of values that we ourselves aspire to.

So I'll put it this way. No one needs yours or mine or anybody else's mentorship.

But you can teach by example, 100%.

But if there's an influence, or— right, it's very simple. So I applied this within the first 3 to 6 months of starting this program 2 and a half years ago. I kicked out 20% of my clients. I turn on an average of 7 clients a week now. My income went up 30% that first year.

Why?

Why would I want to have people in my life, even if they're a client asking for help, who drain everything, that drain my energy? That if I'm not looking forward to seeing someone—

I— you go—

if you ask any of my clients who are actively seeing me, they know that I'm going to walk out in the hallway, say, what's up, what's going on? Like, it's just a— but if I'm not looking forward to seeing them, how can I truly help them? Their values don't have to be my values, or the rest of the world, but if they're coming into my space—

make sense? It does, but I also feel as though we all have a responsibility to bring others along if you think they have the potential to live a life which is value-driven.

Potentially, but what you just— the word linguistically, when I hear someone say, "I feel," "I feel" connotes belief system. That in your belief, in your belief, right?

Exactly.

And if that works for you and you can do that healthily, amazing. Okay. There's also, I mean, like in the therapy world, I'm not a therapist, but you know, you're like trying to help people change and there's got to be like a set of people who are like, they're not changing. So, you know, if you're not, if you're not, if my role in somebody's life is to help somebody change and they're not changing, yeah, like like maybe they need to work with somebody else. You know, it's not necessarily like a— you're just cutting people off. No, no, no, right, it's a referral. No, there is that referral process. I'm not the right therapist for you. Someone calls me and they say— That's what it sounds like to me. Yeah, yeah, no, I'm going through a set of criteria to say I'm gonna be the best person to help you if you meet these criteria. If you don't, I'm gonna give you a referral hopefully to someone, or you'll have to find someone who might be a better fit for you. But I get to be more excited and more passionate about what I do because of that, because I know I can't help everybody. I know it's not my job to help everybody, and by doing that, it's empowering them.

Bringing you down, that's like you. Yeah, how can you help the others?

Exactly, exactly.

That's a really ideal situation because everybody has physical limitations, economic limitations.

It's a luxury to be able to see somebody, but it doesn't have to be me. My ego's at the door too. It doesn't have to be me.

There's wonderful therapists in this room.

Thank you. It's not my job to fix everybody. I have to decide who I can help proactively and not reactively.

But in any situation—

Do you go to every synagogue in South Florida?

No. Why not? Because I don't drive on Shabbat. Right. So I'm limited to those within a walking distance for an hour or less.

So you make proactive decisions in your life to decide where you want to go or live based on one of those options.

I don't like any of them, frankly.

That's a different conversation. But yes, but, but I, I understand what you're saying. Yes, this is ideal, but I know people who are personally making these decisions, and I'm surrounding myself by those people, and their lives and their family lives and their relationships and everything is getting better. So either I'm completely full of crap or not. It's binary. Everything is binary. Everything else is just emotions and a narrative. Right?

Yeah.

So what you're saying is it's okay to take care of yourself first as long as you treat your own values. Yes. Yes. And so, so what happens on an airplane? What's the announcement? Right. The unlikely event that it depressurizes, put your mask on first. Right. You can't help anybody else unless— Exactly. So for the sake of just time and everything, since we've got 10 minutes in And I was hoping we would do more of a workshop, so let me walk you into what we're about to do. Before I do that, then I have to leave right after this, like within like 10 minutes after this, so if you have any questions that we can't answer, my cards are on the table, you can feel free to email me. There's free coaching sessions. Easy to find. Rabbi Carlson has my number. So I want to share with you my business's mission statement, catalyzing statement, and core values. And then what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you a worksheet. Notice that you don't have it now because we're Jews and we can't not look to the end of the story. That's why they're on the floor, not yet passed out, because you guys will all be distracted. So this is my mission statement, my catalyzing statement, what rallies the troops, and my core values. And then what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you a worksheet where you're going to go home and you're going to do this. And then you're gonna email me your core values over the next couple weeks. And this is not a one-hour-ish thing. This is something that I evolved over 6 months to do. Now, I challenge my clients to do it in 2 weeks, in 2 sessions, 'cause I just want them to get somewhere. And obviously, they can revamp. But this is my business's core values that I established. So my practice name originally was called The Family Room Psychotherapy Associates. I hated that name, 'cause I don't do psychotherapy. But right, so it's now the Family Room Wellness Associates because we have integrated medicine, we have nutrition, we have chiropractic, right? So wellness, not psychotherapy. You're coming here because something's effed up in your life, right? So the Family Room Wellness Associates exists to guide the world towards achieving health, hope, and happiness. And we envision a world where humanity is empowered to transform life stressors into maximized potential. That alone took 9 months. Business values. You're gonna get a list, 200 words. Do not use the Oxford Dictionary when you're looking at the words. Make up your own definition when I'm gonna get you and I'm gonna walk you through it. But there was 200 words that I picked through and I came up with a bunch, but I whittled it down, whittled it down, whittled it down, like you're going to do. And I found some of the words on there I couldn't let go, so I made some of those words part of my definition. Because I just couldn't let go of some of those words because they were just so tasty to me. So that one of my 5, the top one is compassion. By displaying care, empathy, sensitivity, inclusivity— those were the other words that I really loved, but I wrapped them into compassion— by displaying care, empathy, sensitivity, inclusivity, we support our clients and loved ones through their journey of personal and interpersonal relationships. Not just your own stuff, but what's going on out in your world. Enthusiasm. Remember I said I'm only gonna take clients I want to see, that I love? I don't care if they're Mormon, I don't care if they're Muslim, I don't care LGBT, I don't care. You walk in the door, you're gonna get love. That's why it's called the Family Room. Utilizing humor, passion, gratitude, and open, honest dialogue in a safe and dependable environment will allow a co-created space for growth. I remember one of my couples I was working with a few months ago that got stuck snuck past my doorman because I didn't ask certain questions, and I let them sneak in. And one session, something came up, and the guy— the wife had, uh, more of a severe mental illness, and he just had— I don't know what he had, but somehow randomly, 9/11— the Zionists caused 9/11. So I have this big smile on my face. Mike, is it okay if a Zionist saves your marriage? Is it okay if a Zionist saves your marriage?

Saves your marriage?

Saves. Yeah. They didn't come back after that. Thank God.

Growth.

And that's supposed to fix everybody.

I wasn't suggesting everybody, I was being selective.

Yeah, yeah, but that's where the doorman principle comes in, right? Growth: offering integrative mind-body wellness therapies and coaching, we allow ourselves— meaning the therapist and the staff— and our clients to continue striving towards their successes of personal and professional potential. If my staff is not doing self-care work, they don't work for me. That's simple. I ask them, what are you doing? What's your routine? What's your rituals? What's your practice? I don't care what it is, you gotta be doing something, right? And that's what I want my clients to be doing as well. Authenticity and self-awareness, the last. We can help them draw out innate strengths and wisdom by holding ourselves and our clients accountable to living with integrity and an increasing awareness of psychological, spiritual, intellectual, and physical potential. The key aspect here is holding ourselves. I tell everybody, if I'm not going— if I'm barking down the wrong tree or up the wrong tree, call me out. If you think I didn't hear you, if you think I'm going somewhere that's just not relevant, tell me that I didn't get it. I want to know when I'm not being the best person for you once I already let you in.

That's simple.

See, accountability, all going back to what part? Everything that we discovered and discussed before. So there is a badge if you want to take and pass. Don't worry about the pens, I guess, at this point.

Thank you, sir.

I got a good question for you. Yes. Well, then pass it along.

Sure.

What do you do when you have somebody who's control freak, who needs to be in control of things, and then if If that person is not, then they get old. Make a session with me. That's how you solve it.

Okay.

Do you want it in 30 seconds? Unfortunately, I live in New York, so I can't wait. We can talk. Yes, sir. 5 minutes.

Okay.

So I'm going to do this as quick as possible. So just look at the side that has the list of all the words, which is the back. Sure. So just look at the side that has all of the words for now. This is not a comprehensive and/or exhaustive list, it's just suggestion. Yeah, it's front and back, but just look at the page with the 200 words. If you're missing it, happy to email it to you. On the back of the page, I can see half of you are— this is why I didn't give it out at the beginning. Just look at the list of the words for Back page, back of the page. Has everything, probably words synergy. What does synergy mean, right? When I'm collaborating with someone. Doesn't matter, don't look up the Oxford Dictionary. What's your definition? How do you want to imply it and instill it into your life? So you have 200 words to pick from. I recommend just taking out another piece of paper, like a legal pad, whatever, and just write on top, personal values. And just go through the list and just write down all the ones that scream to you. These are the words I want you to pick between 3 and 7 words— not right now— the 3 and 7 words that when you're making decisions in your personal life, you're gonna go back to this list and to this definition and say, does this align with my core values or does it not? Warren Buffett every quarter puts out his Investments. So I have my list of investment core values. Now, I could be making 14 to 20-something percent return on Monsanto. Monsanto is a company that produces GMOs. Monsanto is a company that is being sued for giving people cancer. Bayer drugs, right, the Bayer medicine company, just bought Monsanto. Bayer medicine owns 7 to 11 patents on cancer treatment. Is there something wrong with that? That is not in alignment with my values. They are not getting my money, even though I can make a massive return on that.

Getting it?

Lots of Bitcoin from 8 years ago, 7 years ago. Remember, when you buy a stock, you're not investing in that company, right? You're doing legal gambling based on how that company performs. Exactly, but they have to be— that's a whole other question, right? But right, that's a whole other question, but there is still what are they doing for the world, right? You look at Subaru, Subaru's website is all about what they're doing for the world, their environmentalism, and the community, right? It's funny that Subaru about 12 or 15 years ago found out that there was a huge following of, of, um, in the lesbian community. So they started tailoring their ads. It was like, yeah, right? And therefore they started doing activities and events and stuff like that in alignment with core values. So if that's something that is important to you, you want to support a company like Subaru that's doing social justice type of work, you should buy a Subaru, maybe not a Mercedes, right? It depends on what your core values are. You can have it for every single thing. So here's your assignment. I say don't listen to the list that says 7 to 11. That's way too many. 3 to— 3 to 7, 5 to 7, could be 3, could be 1. And I want you to figure out what are those words that if you follow these every single day and every personal decision, your life will be amazing.

What was that?

That your life will be amazing if you follow in this, in this personal life category. Now we have other categories which I challenge you to do later on, which is your social friends, and you'll really see who needs to be there, who not, who needs not to be there. Financial, spiritual, food, parenting, dating. How clean will your life be? Again, I'm an emotional— I'm a Cancer, so I'm very emotional. This cleans up my life so simply. It does. My gut's saying do this, but my values say this. This works.

What if what appeals to you morally is antithetical to Judaism?

That's a 45-minute other conversation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Values over gut.

Values over gut, because your gut is telling a story. That story may not be genetic. We know that genetics, genetic memories passed on. Families of Holocaust survivors, 3, 4 generations later, still has stuff of anxiety and trauma embedded in their DNA.

And the—

it's gonna come to me in a second. And the epigenetics is the changing of that, but it's still, it's in our DNA. The woe is me is there, that victim, right? So this is something to counteract that. So pick those words, right? Professional, personal, friends, romantic relationships. Here's what I tell you if you're in a relationship, sit down with your partner and create your relationship's core values from here on out. Proactively. Imagine doing that. You might have your personal values but create your relationship core values. What are we going to do when we need to make a decision as a couple, as a relationship, as a family? What are the core values you're doing based on that? What are the midot? What are the characteristics of how we want this to look proactively? Now, here's the next step. I only have 2 minutes.

I'll go.

Write a clear definition of that word about how you want to implement that value in your life. That's why I read you mine. This is how I want it to be proactively. When I'm doing this, I'm gonna align it with my core values. So for each word, write your definition. Not the standard definition, but how are you gonna apply that proactively. Now, here's where it gets really good and really juicy. About 2019 is a month and a half away. Pick one goal. For each core value that you want to tackle in the next 12 months. You want what rubber meets the road? You want nitty-gritty? This is not esoteric. Pick a— for each core value, pick a massive goal for the next 12 months. For each value.

Now, right?

And you can do this for all of your categories, but I'm saying just do personal for now. The last thing is, next to each goal, write the name of the person who's going to hold you accountable. That was the "perkei avot," right? If a person doesn't do mussar, their life is worth nothing, and if they're not having someone hold them accountable, they really can't tackle it. Accountability is the key to this, your accountability partner. But make it not you, because you're just gonna like, ah, I could do it tomorrow, I could do it whatever. Have someone hold you accountable. This is my goal for the 12 months. You're the person who can either participate with me in it. You're the person who's really good at this. You're the person who— right, the idea of this life hack, right? You've heard that phrase life hacking. It's so crazily simple. Find the person who's doing what you think you want your life to be like and just literally copy them. Their lives are on the internet. That's what you should be spending your time doing. I found the person whose career is what I wanted to be like, and I'm literally now reading all his books and following him on YouTube. I actually met him at a conference. I'm doing everything short of literally, which I'm probably eventually going to do, hire him as my personal coach. He's married. He's a nice Christian boy. He's not going to go that way. Yeah, but it's me. I have to put some skin in the game. It has to hurt me a little bit. I think his first, he has a whatever generic thing. His first tier is $25 grand a year. I'm not saying I'm there, but I want, I'm going to get the general meat and potatoes. And then, but if he's like, you do $25 grand, I can make you $100. Okay. It's an investment, right? But I have to put some, you have to put some skin in the game. That's the accountability. You got to feel it a little bit. A little good source to make you grow. Quick questions? I know you're jamming and whatever. Yeah, we have 2 minutes? Questions?

Yeah.

What you said is what you ask of your clients.

Yeah.

They're like, "I want to do something," but they don't. Yeah, it's not lip service. We all want to be healthier and in better relationship with ourselves. We all want the same thing. But how crystal clear are you on making decisions about it? Website? I'm going to put it up. It's going to be— but yeah, I'll give you— yeah. So, yeah.

You said something about neuro-emotional. Is that something yours or is it something I could look up?

I mean, yeah, it's on my website.

I don't know the whole—

Yeah, there's cards on the table. If you just—

there's—

you can see a whole bit. And you can go to my website and find a lot of stuff down below.

I think about the concept of not making vows later. So— If you make a goal, that's a self-imposed vow. You're not supposed to.

It's your personal decision. If you'd like it to be a vow, it's a vow. If you don't want it to be a vow, it's not. A commitment and a vow can be two different things. That's your struggle to figure out how to do that. Excuse me. Through that lens in which you see everything through, right? So there's something there about holding yourself to a commitment and then fail. I don't want to do that and then God punish me for creating a vow, right? But then what's the story about God going to punish you for trying to make yourself better? Even if you fall short of it.

There's something in there about that.

So we have one more question. Yeah. Just quickly.

Yeah.

So basically you should never base your decisions on emotion. Should be some logic attached to it. Yeah. I mean, it's, yeah, the question was, you should not, you shouldn't really make your decisions based on emotion. There should be some logic based on that. I don't know. Trust that. Do your work, do your work, do your Avoda, do values-based, mitzvot-based decision-making. That, right? When you have, when you're directing yourself in a certain way, the emotions will come with it. You're going to be excited about it. If it aligns with who you truly authentically are. And this is about getting you from where you're at now to where you're truly authentically supposed to be. So I bless all of us. That we should have fun with this work. Do not drive yourself nuts. Do not get in your head. Am I doing this right? There's no right way. Do not judge yourself for having to get it right or wrong. There is no such thing. That is completely BS. Enjoy. Thank you.