How Hot and Cold Relationships Trick Your Brain!

Let's talk about the hot and cold dynamic and why it is so addictive. You may have had some experience with the hot and cold, or the push-pull dynamic, or the anxious avoidant dance. Whatever name it goes by, it is very, very addictive, and this is why. What the hot-cold dynamic creates is a chemical cocktail in our bodies and in our brains that have us wanting more, and nothing is ever enough. And the reason is because when we're really connected and close to someone, we get all of these feel-good chemicals, the dopamine, the oxytocin. And then when they pull away, our body experiences the lack of those chemicals, especially if it's abrupt. And so those chemicals are depleted. And then what happens is it has us wanting to chase them more. So it's like a slot machine. If you have ever gambled, which I actually am not really into gambling, but just for an example, when you're playing a slot machine, you never know when you're going to win, right? So there's always this anticipation, like maybe this time I'm going to win. And when you actually do win, you pull the slot and a bunch of money comes out. You feel this high, this rush, and that's what keeps you coming back in gambling. And it's similar with a relationship that is with someone who's unavailable, because they might lean in, they might be really connected to you for a little bit, but they aren't able to sustain that level of closeness or intimacy. So then they pull away, which then triggers the feelings of withdrawal from the chemicals that you had when when you were close with them. So it's just really addictive and it can be really, really painful. And I know I did a previous video about love addiction that you might wanna go check out because these are directly tied to each other. But what happens is if we are drawn to unavailable people or if we grew up in a home where there was emotional volatility, there was maybe a lot of rage or anger, or maybe everything was just swept under the rug, and there was a level of neglect or whatever it was that we experienced as kids, what we'll do is we will tend to seek out subconsciously that same energy in a romantic connection. And so if that's happening with you, have so much compassion for yourself because it is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to heal it, right? So our wiring, our templates that we have that were programmed into our subconscious when we were very, very small create the template for relating as adults. And so there's a story that a therapist actually told me a long time ago about this push-pull and the hot-cold and why it's so addictive. And they did studies with rats and they had rats in different cages and the rats who were— they would press this lever to get a pellet of food, right? So they would do their little rat life and then they would go and they would press the lever, they would get a pellet, and they would eat their food. And whenever that they knew that they pressed the lever and the food was there, they were fine. They went about their life, they ate when they were hungry. So then there was another group of rats where they intermittently got food when they pressed the lever. So when they pressed it and they didn't get anything, press it again, they don't get anything. And then they get something, and then they don't, and then they don't, and they don't, and then they do, and then they don't. They ended up pressing the lever repeatedly until they died. They were so obsessed and preoccupied with that reward system that they would die. So you can see how this hot-cold dynamic can be really addictive. And what happens too, which is really dangerous, is sometimes the ante just keeps getting upped and upped and upped and upped, right? So if you've been in a relationship like this before, you know that there's a cycle and there's a cycle of closeness and there's a cycle where every— everything feels great. It's like the honeymoon phase of the cycle and you're feeling connected, you're having all the feel-good chemicals come in, and then inevitably there's some sort of thing that comes up that creates a rupture and then the pull away. And then when the pull away happens, that's when you experience the withdrawal. And it literally does feel like coming off of drugs. It's really that intense for many people. And so what we want to just be mindful of is that this is an addictive pattern and that these cycles, they don't get better unless we address the root of what's coming up, right? So if you're in a cycle like this there are ways to shift it and break it, and I would love to help you because I know how painful and disruptive these cycles can be. They can occupy all of your mental, emotional, and physical energy, and you won't be able to really focus on much else, and you definitely won't be able to be in peace or feel free. And so we want to get to the root of what is driving you to be in a relationship or a connection like this in the first place. And what it usually is, is an unmet need in childhood that was never really met. Maybe you were never really fully attuned to by your parents or caregivers. And so you were, you developed a coping mechanism from a very young age to go towards people that you're interested in romantically to try to get that need met. And most people that I work with that had this going on, it started when they were so, so little, cuz that's just how this stuff goes. So no judgment, no shame, but how do we heal it? So first we have to recognize that this is what's happening and really come out of a level of denial because part of what keeps us stuck in addition to the addictive chemicals is also the belief that maybe this time it'll be different. Maybe this time this person is gonna show up and they won't unless they're doing the really deep work. And I can tell you that because I work with so many people and I know for sure, and I know for myself, if we don't do our deep work around whatever's showing up, whatever patterns are showing up in cycles, we will repeat them. So if we're telling ourselves a story of what if this person could finally shows up, that's not what's happening right now in reality. So we gotta get really real and look at this is what's happening in this moment, accepting this person exactly as they are here right now, Does that work for me? And really being honest about your answer to that, and then bringing that to your awareness. And then from there, we want to actually help you to get to the root of that pain that you've been running from and seeking soothing through other people that are not available. Because what that does is it creates a compulsion. It creates this compulsion. It's called the repetition compulsion. —talked about it a few times before— where we go to this similar energy hoping that there will finally be a different experience, but there won't because subconsciously we are drawn towards that energy. That is the attraction that we're feeling, is that wiring in the brain that needs to be rewired around what we're attracted to. So if you want some help healing this, please book a call with me. I'd love to connect with you. There's a lot of different options to receive support. I work with individuals, I work with couples, and I would be honored to connect with you and support you on your path. And another piece that you want to think about if you're working through these patterns is giving your nervous system a period of rest, which means going no contact with this person. And I know that might sound really hard and feel really shitty, honestly, but if you think of it not as like I'm telling you what to do, but more giving your nervous system space to heal and experience peace, then hopefully that can help you to start to choose yourself and your own peace and your own emotional and mental health. And if you want to revisit with this person later, you absolutely can, but just take a period of time, a period of abstinence away from this push-pull, this up-down dynamic that's sending you into a tailspin. And the other piece that you really want to do is practice becoming available to yourself because what we do here often in these dynamics is we focus so much on someone outside of ourselves because we've just learned to externally reference safety in that way. We need to work on putting the focus back on taking care of ourselves— mind, body, and spirit. Initially, that will feel pretty uncomfortable, but I promise you, over time, as you do it, everything else in your life will start to improve and get better, including your relationships. So I hope this is helpful. Please hit the like and subscribe button if you would like to learn more. And I'm just so grateful to be here with all of you guys, and I'll have more videos coming soon.