How To Truly Move On From Your Ex

Let's talk about why you're not over them yet and the real reason why. I'm Jess Hendrick and I'm a relationship coach. I support individuals and couples, and what I've been hearing from my clients a lot lately is, I don't know why I'm not over them yet. I feel like I should be over them by now. And here's the thing, it's not just about them. It's really challenging to understand this sometimes when you first start looking at this work a little deeper, but what this person is, is actually just a representation of your inner pain, of your past hurts, of your subconscious limiting beliefs, of your past trauma. Let me explain. We, between, between the ages of 0 and 7, we decide our beliefs about the world based on our experiences with our caregivers, with our family, with siblings. When we experience a high state of negative emotion, the brain perceives a threat. And so the brain remembers the state that we experienced in that moment because it wants to keep us safe. It doesn't want us to have to go through that again. It's a survival mechanism. It's actually really brilliant. And a lot of these beliefs serve us, but some of these beliefs that were formed when we were really little actually do not and actually create more challenges than good at this point, which is just showing us that it's an opportunity to heal. So it's not bad, it's not wrong, but breakups are one of the moments where we really can see these beliefs just completely illuminated. So think about what runs through your head when you're going through a breakup. What is the narrative? What's the story? What keeps spinning in there? What are you obsessing about? Because this current experience with this person, yes, is part of why you're feeling emotional pain, but it's not the whole story. The whole story is that this breakup is actually activating some past wounds that really need your love and your attention and your healing. And life is very invested in our healing, so life will continue to show us through the reflection of other people, especially through our romantic relationships, where it is that we need healing. When you're asking yourself, why am I not over this person yet? A deeper question would be, what does this person actually represent for me? What is coming up for me here? And where have I felt this before? Because when we're experiencing the depth of pain and heartache and heartbreak and grief, new grief activates old grief. So all of our past hurts, anything that's on that similar frequency, that similar energy, is going to come up, which is why our brains go haywire and they start filling us up with all of these belief systems about our lack and limitation and maybe our inadequacy and why you know, we'll always be alone, and that it's safer to be alone, or maybe that we have to do everything ourselves, or maybe that we're not worthy, or maybe that we're too much. These beliefs just start firing hardcore when we're going through a breakup. So we can get a direct window into what's happening in our subconscious mind, but until we heal the root of what that is— so these emotional imprints that happened when we were really little until we get to the root of them, they will keep showing up in every relationship, not just romantic. They'll show up in friendships, they'll show up in familial, especially familial relationships. Have you guys heard the— do you know why your family knows how to push your buttons? Because they installed them. So spending time with family can really show us also where we need some healing. But if you're spinning your wheels wondering why you're not over this person yet, I would encourage you to just create a little bit of space and openness to the possibility that maybe it's not so much about this person as it is what they represent. They might represent a parent who was unavailable, or a parent who neglected you, or a parent who was in active addiction. And you're trying so hard to work out that pain that was never worked out with that parent or caregiver that you're both drawing in people that feel similar to that energy, subconsciously of course, None of us would do this consciously, but then you're wanting to work it out with that specific person because that younger part of you, that wounded part, is really hurting and really wants healing and resolution. But here's the thing: it is never going to come from another person in that way. It only comes from us. And so we need to do the inner healing work to be able to be aligned with what it is that we desire. Relationships, money, health, well-being, peace— we need to become that internally so that we can experience it externally. But everything in the world tells us that we need to go externally in order to feel better internally, so it's completely backwards. But if you're asking yourself, why am I not over this person? We need to, just for now, get your attention redirected back into yourself and to your healing and tending to that younger part of yourself that didn't get that love, that attention that they were needing, and do the healing from there, healing things from the root. And as a result, promise you, your life and your relationships will change. If this is hitting home for you and you want to dive a little bit deeper, I'm here to help. I offer 15-minute calls where we can connect. You can share a little bit about the challenges that you're facing, and I can give you a recommendation based on what you're needing. I also have a group program if you want to dip your toe in and explore my coaching style and be surrounded by like-minded people who are walking the same path. If you found this video helpful, please hit the like and subscribe button, and I'll be back to share more soon.