Jess, a relationship coach, argues that the only guaranteed relationship is with yourself. She walks through how inner healing work and nervous-system regulation help you stay grounded when dating feels uncertain, using a client's shift from anxiety to calm as an example.
I had two client sessions today and the same theme came up. And whenever that happens, I think it's valuable to share. And the theme really is that we don't know how things are going to go here on this planet. And there's no guarantees with any relationship, which is a hard truth, right? Like a lot of people, I think, will try to sell you like, oh, if you do this, then you'll have this certain outcome, right? If you break this pattern, then you'll meet the love of your life. Like, chances are much more likely that if you do the work, you will align with someone who's a good fit for you, but there's no guarantee with anything. But the one guarantee is your relationship with you, right? And so if you know that you've got you no matter what, that is really the name of the game. So we don't know how things are going to go, but if we do the healing work within ourselves, and it's going. I don't think there's this mountaintop that we get to of like, oh, I'm healed now, everything's perfect. It's still life. Life is life. But if we do the work and we create that expanded capacity within ourselves, then we are more rooted when shit goes down, right? Like, when life is life, we have the tools, we have ourselves rooted into the ground so that when the storms come we're okay. And then things show up, people show up to support us, right? We don't have to do it on our own. But if we can work on trusting the process of life— and it's an ongoing practice— just for today, trusting the process of life and having faith, then we're actually more likely to notice. Then we're much more likely to notice more things that give us more faith, right? Rather than experiencing the world through the filter of fear, where if we do that, then we will find a lot of things to be fearful about, right? So it's all about working on the mental filter and creating wiring in the brain that helps us to look at what we do have, what is working, what we have to be grateful for. And these are things that we actually have to look for because the brain is designed to solve a problem. It's designed to look for what isn't working. So we want to create practices and we want to surround ourselves with people that are also in this similar mindset so that we can continue to reinforce the things that we have, the things that we are grateful for, even if shit's going down. And, you know, I'll just finish by saying that I just finished with a client, and when she first came to me, she was really in a loop of intense anxiety. You know, and whatever was happening externally with the guy that she was dating would just throw her, like it would totally consume her. And now she's in such a different place that her friends are commenting to her and noticing, wow, you're so different, you're so grounded, you're so calm, you're so okay. Even when things come up with dating and relationships and it's like not the ideal scenario, but she has got herself. She feels safe within herself. Her nervous system is more regulated, so things aren't totally blown out of proportion. So this is what's possible, right? So when I say that I'm a relationship coach, what I'm really focused on is your relationship with your own self. And the relationship you have with your own self is what sets the tone for every other relationship in your life and the filter through which you experience things. Right? And when you start to realize that everyone's experiencing the world through their own mental filter, you take things less personally, and you also see yourself mirrored back to yourself through life, and then you have something to work with. But until that point, you're just going through life feeling like you're at the effect of the things that are happening to you rather than the one who is being mirrored back. So if you're feeling like you need some support in breaking out of some of these patterns, DM me the word "loop" and I'll reach out to you with next steps.
