Should You Stay or Leave? How to Recognize and Heal Relationship Patterns

Have you ever been in a position where you feel like everything's going great with someone you're dating and something comes up, as it does, we're humans, things come up, and the person just pulls away completely and goes missing and it's done? Ever had that happen? I know I have. I'm Jess. I'm a relationship coach, and I'm here to talk about how relationships are a mirror to us. And what that actually means. So what happens in situations like that most of the time is that the level of intimacy got to be to a point where our humanness started to show up. So let's just say there's a guy and a girl and they're doing well, that maybe they've been together a few months and everything's going pretty smoothly. Maybe they've had one or two bumps, but nothing major. And then something comes up and actually they're both needing to face themselves. What happens is people don't fully understand that relationships are a mirror. So we will meet ourselves in every relationship. So what happens in a situation like this is something comes up and you feel really uncomfortable in your body. You feel like something's really not okay, and whatever I need to do, I need to get the heck out of this situation. Right? Which is why the guy in the story went missing. What he doesn't realize is that what's coming up within him through the mirror of the connection is most likely his to heal. And even if he leaves this current relationship with this specific person, he'll go over here and he'll meet himself over here. He'll go over here, he'll meet himself over here, because whatever is getting triggered and activated is within him. It doesn't actually have to do with the person, the relationship, the person that he's dating. He is confusing that for an issue with the relationship. And this is why I like to say sometimes you have to break up with your pattern, not the person. How many times have you had a similar experience in a different relationship that was kind of what you went through before in the previous one? Who's the common denominator here, right? And that's not to blame or shame ourselves, but it's just to start to understand that if we want to be free, if we want to be liberated, we actually need to do the work within ourselves. So when something comes up that activates us, we're talking about a wound, right? Like a wound, a core wound, maybe a past hurt that we're carrying with us in our subconscious. And what happens in the present moment is when someone gets close enough to us This doesn't even have to be a romantic partner. It can also be a close friend. Someone gets close enough to us, they're gonna see into us, and we're gonna see ourselves through the connection. And that is what intimacy is. Into me you see, and into me I see. So when you get a certain level of closeness with someone, what will happen is your wounds will come up. They will. It's like if you had a cut on your arm and you didn't know it was there, and then you bumped up against something and you're, oh wow, I have a cut on my arm, I need to take care of that. Same thing in relationship where you might be going along feeling like everything's great, I'm good, I'm— I worked through so much of my stuff and I'm, I'm just, you know, rolling along. And then you get into a relationship and all of a sudden, trigger, triggernado, trigger central happens. And so the important thing to really acknowledge is that if there's something coming up for you, within you, it is your responsibility to heal it, right? And unless you're in some sort of really abusive situation that is toxic, that is dangerous, that's a different story. But if you're in a relationship that's relatively peaceful and you guys really enjoy each other and you're getting along really well and something comes up, then your level of discomfort in seeing yourself might lead you to walk away from something prematurely that actually could have been a really huge opportunity to heal whatever is coming up. And what we will do is we will project our past history, stories, wounds, etc., onto the present and onto our romantic interest, our romantic partner, friends, anyone who's close to us. And this isn't because life is unfair and challenging, it's actually because Life wants us to heal. So life will continue to be our teacher and keep revealing to us any places and spaces that need our love, that need our attention, that need our healing, like the wound on the arm we were talking about, that in order to heal, we actually may need to stay in the fire and navigate what it is that's coming up. And it's uncomfortable, right? But as we walk through the fire and we're willing to be with the discomfort, That is where the real freedom can come. And we don't like that as humans because we don't like to feel uncomfortable. Just an important thing to remember, that if you are in a moment like that where you're thinking, should I stay, should I go? So many people come to me with that question. Should I stay, should I go? This is what's happening with them. They're doing X, Y, and Z. I don't know what to do. And this is what I say. I say, right now you cannot know. Right now the water is too murky. You don't know what's yours, what's theirs, and what's the relational dynamic. And most of us were not taught even what a trigger was, what happens in our brains and bodies when we're triggered, which I'll need to make another video on, and how that impacts us, right? And how to navigate those moments of discomfort when it feels really gnarly. Where maybe we either want to just push away and run for the hills, or we want to cling for dear life because it's so uncomfortable. Those moments can be a profound opportunity for really deep healing and integration because, more often than not, it's a past wound that's getting triggered, we're confusing it for the present, we're time traveling, bringing the past right into the present, and then reacting to it in that moment. As though it was what's happening. People will say to me, well, Jess, that is what's happening. This person's doing this to me. I don't know what you want me to say. And I say, yes, that's happening, but your reaction to it is disproportionate to what's actually happening. So that is how we know that something, a past wound, a past hurt, is being activated. So can you be open to the possibility that maybe This is a profound opportunity. And are you willing to walk through the fire, do some of the work on yourself, either individually in one-on-one coaching if you're needing it, you can reach out to me for support, or couples coaching, and help you to see things clearly so that you can accurately assess, right? Do I want to stay? Does it serve me and my partner and our relationship to stay? Or is it better to go? So if you're in a moment like that, something I'd love to help you with, and you could always book a consult call with me if you want to learn more. And I support individuals and couples, and I would so love to connect with you and support you. So you can book a 15-minute connection call with me if you have questions. I have all of my pricing and options to work with me on my website, and I can't wait to connect with you.