Stop Blaming Your Partner and Try This Instead!

The biggest issue in relationship is not conflict. That's not the biggest issue. The biggest issue is not knowing how to actually work through and repair after conflict. If you want to change your relationships forever, master this one thing: let go of the idea of right and wrong. Let go of the idea of sides. The moment that we point the finger at somebody else and give that energy of, "You're doing something to me, they're doing this to me on purpose," is the moment that we create this energy of attack and defend. If we come to someone with that energy, we're gonna immediately put them on the defensive and they're going to point the finger back at us, 'cause that's how it works. So if we can take this radical idea of putting away the idea of right and wrong, A lot of people come to me and they say, well, I think I'm right and this person must be wrong. And I say, okay, that's your perspective, but let's explore it a little bit. If we can just put the idea of right and wrong over here, let's look at what was happening in your own experience. What came up for you around this thing, this conflict? And then can we consider the possibility that the other person is also having their experience? And each person's experience is seen through the lens of their past. So the way that I see something is going to be different than the way you see something. It's going to be different than the way they see something. And what if we don't make any of it right or wrong? What if we can just create enough space for their experience and also for your experience? And that's where we create a little bit of movement so that you can actually try to understand yourself number one, and then the other person. And that creates this opportunity for repair. And the biggest issue in relationship is not conflict. That's not the biggest issue. The biggest issue is not knowing how to actually work through and repair after conflict. Because if we have the skills to do that, then our relationships actually get stronger if we learn how to navigate conflict in a healthy way. This is not an easy thing because we've really been trained in this idea of right and wrong. If you're able to pause in that moment when you want to point the finger and take a look back into yourself and see what is happening within me right now, what's happening in my body, what's happening in my mind, what is this triggering within me, and put the attention back on you as much as you can. Because even if let's say this other person is 95% of the problem, you're still 5%, and the 5% is the only thing that we have any control over. I know that can be frustrating, but stay with me here. If we can master this, we will let ourselves out of that loop of attack, defend, attack, defend, which is not fun to be in. And instead, if we're able to pause and look at, okay, I'm noticing that I want to blame this person. It really feels like they're doing something to me. It really feels like they're doing this on purpose. Take a minute and pause if you're able to. If you have a hard time pausing, then we need to work on self-regulation, which I will do another video on that because that's a whole other topic. But key, if you want to be able to pause when you're getting triggered, when you're getting activated, Catch yourself when you want to go into blame. Do your very best to get curious about what's going on within you, number one, and then what could be going on within the other person. Can you get out of your perception for a little tiny bit and maybe imagine how they might be experiencing things? And can you give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they're not trying to do anything to you? Maybe they're experiencing things through the lens of their past and something's coming up for them too, because that's how it works. One person gets activated and upset, very soon after the other one gets activated and upset, and then, as my mentors would say, you're off to the races. Once you get curious and you've explored what's going on within you, when you're calm, approach the conversation again from a place of curiosity. From a place of wanting to learn, which you'll have to be in a place of peace to be able to do this. Otherwise you'll just create more of a loop. So pausing is key. Pausing when agitated is one of the most valuable tips we could ever learn in relationship. Here's a more empowering reframe: if we're a part of the problem, we can also be part of the solution. And if we're waiting for someone else to show up differently, we could be waiting a very long time and we could build a lot of resentment versus looking at ourselves and see, okay, What am I responsible here? What is my part here? How can I take responsibility for my side of the street? How can I create space for all of it? Not who's right, not who's wrong, but my experience and also their experience. And from there, you can have this bridge where you can actually learn to understand yourself and the other, and then your relationships get stronger and better and more fulfilling. If this resonated, hit the like button and share with somebody who could use this reminder. Relationships are really the place where we get to grow the most if we choose to, and it starts with us.