The Simple SECRET to Dealing With Difficult Feelings
Trying to fix or push away difficult feelings makes them stronger. Instead, accept them without judgment and offer yourself compassion, like comforting an inner child. People uncomfortable with their own emotions can't reliably support you, so choose emotionally mature friends who can simply be present.
Chapters
Okay, so this is the video allowing yourself to be exactly as you are, exactly where you are. When we're experiencing difficult emotions, the tendency can be to want to try to fix it or push it away or somehow make it different. And the paradox is that when we do that A lot of times the emotions get bigger and they get louder because they don't want to be pushed away. They actually want to be felt, they want to be acknowledged, and they want to be known. The pain sometimes just really wants to be known. So if we can just for a moment allow ourselves to be exactly as we are without trying to make it different, without making it bad or wrong, without feeling like we're something that needs to be fixed, then what happens is we bring attention to the feeling, to the emotion, and actually just let it be held, allow it to exist. And the paradox is a lot of times then it will shift. But so many people are so uncomfortable with the feelings. And the other thing is a lot of times if we go to people who aren't comfortable with their own emotions, they're definitely not going to be comfortable with our emotions. So we can create more pain by going to people who aren't actually able to hold us. And it's not personal, it's just that they probably haven't been able to do that for themselves, so they definitely can't do it for you. So it's not you. A great practice is learning to meet yourself in your difficult feelings. And when you do that, two things happen. You hold space for that part of yourself you start to learn to work with your emotions rather than against them, and you give yourself space to be a human. And the other thing that's great is when you can do that, you can also be that space for other people. So there's this quote that literally saved my life when I was going through one of the hardest breakups of my life, and it's that people can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves. And I can tell you over years, because that— I think that was in around 2018 that I went through that breakup. Over the years, that quote has proven true over and over and over again. And my closest relationships that I appreciate the most, that I'm just so grateful for, are with people who have been able to sit with themselves and be with themselves and honor and take care of themselves in their difficult emotions. So then they can be with me in mine. And that is so healing. Often that's all we need. My best friend just sat with me one day when I was in the deepest pain, the deepest grief. We literally sat on the grass and she put her arms around me and I just cried and she was just with me. It makes me emotional now even thinking of it because it was so loving and exactly what I needed. So practicing being that space for yourself you can also show up like that for others. And let me tell you, in a world where that's not very common, it is so much appreciated. I don't know if you've ever had this experience, but if you're with someone who's uncomfortable with your emotions, which was most of my life and childhood, but that's a story for another day, then they're going to want you to be okay because they're uncomfortable with their own emotions. Stay with me here. People who are comfortable with their feelings, who have worked with themselves in those spaces, will not be uncomfortable with yours as long as you're expressing them in a responsible way, right? So people can sometimes go into fix-it mode. Well-meaning people, a lot of people, will go into fix-it mode when you're going through something, when you're having an emotion, when you're sad, when you're angry, when you're frustrated, when you're dealing with some of the more difficult emotions. People will come in and rush in with a solution, right? Oh, you should try— have you done this? Have you tried this? Oh, why don't you do X, Y, and Z? And really, a lot of times what we're actually needing is for someone to just be with us in it, because emotions have a beginning, a middle, and an end. So the emotion comes in, we start to feel it. If we allow it to flow, it's like a wave in the ocean. It just goes up reaches its peak, and then comes back down. But so many of us were suppressed that a lot of times our emotion will get stuck, and it will get stuck if somebody comes in in fix-it mode and wants to fix it for us, right? This is one of the biggest challenges with men and women because a lot of times men will come in and want to fix it, and it's from a good place. It's from a place of not wanting us to be uncomfortable or not wanting us to be in pain or sad. But what it can do is actually antagonize the person who's having the emotion, especially if you're highly sensitive, which many of you know that I am. So if you're watching this and you relate, you probably are too. So you want to be really mindful of who you go to when you're going through something. See if it feels helpful or if it feels worse after you're done with that person. So discernment is really important here. And remember, don't take it personally. If someone isn't able to be with you in your uncomfortable emotions, it's because they haven't met themselves there. It's nothing with you. It's not that there's something wrong with you. If you're a beautiful, deep-feeling, sensitive person, those are my very favorite kind of people. So there's that. When you're working with this concept, I want you to think of your difficult emotions as your inner child. So think of these emotions as a younger part of you that didn't get its needs met. And every time you tell that part of you that it's something that needs to be fixed or it's something that needs to go away, you're actually disowning that part of yourself. Can you learn to embrace that part of yourself and give that part of you what it's been desperately needing? Probably for many years. Can you meet that part of you with compassion and kindness and love the same way that you would meet somebody that you really, really love, or the same way that you would treat a little child? Can you learn to do that with those parts of yourself? Because when you do, they don't have to get so loud. They don't have to wreak havoc on your life. I don't know about you, but in the past, this was a big issue for me. My emotions were so big that I would react out of nowhere and have these responses that people would not know what to do with, right? So what I had to learn is how to actually regulate these parts of myself so that I didn't go from 0 to 100 anytime something happened that was really triggering. But in order to do that, I had to learn to grow my own capacity. So I had to learn to grow my capacity for these big feelings. And I've always been a big feeling person. So if you're like me, you might relate. But can you meet those parts with compassion, with love, with kindness? And the thing is, when we're able to start practicing that— and it doesn't happen right away— but when we're able to, they actually quiet down a little bit and they get soothed, so that then we can come from a place of responding rather than reacting, which really helps all of our relationships.
