In this solo coaching session, Jess, a relationship and dating coach, frames a breakup as a catalyst for personal clarity and growth. She guides viewers through a step‑by‑step process: (1) write down the traits and dynamics that failed in past relationships; (2) flip those negative traits into the opposite qualities you truly desire in a partner (e.g., lack of empathy becomes a need for empathy). Jess then expands on how to articulate each desired quality with concrete behaviors (e.g., emotional availability expressed through timely communication and consistent actions). She distinguishes between "must‑haves" (integrity, emotional availability, consistency, clear communication) and "deal‑breakers" (active addiction, emotional unavailability). Jess advises slowing the dating timeline—at least 90 days, preferably up to a year—to truly assess compatibility and avoid the chemistry‑driven rush. Finally, she emphasizes that the qualities you seek must first be cultivated within yourself; becoming the energetic match for your desired partner involves embodying those traits, practicing presence, and aligning your own behavior with your vision. Throughout, she offers supportive encouragement and invites viewers to seek one‑on‑one coaching for deeper work on boundaries and follow‑through.
Chapters
Hi, I'm Jess. I am a relationship and dating coach, and the focus is on your relationship with yourself, which might sound a little silly, but it's really not because our relationship that we have with ourself is what sets the tone for every other relationship that we have in our lives. So let's get into it. Let's talk about gaining clarity of how we can use this moment in your life, this moment in time as a vehicle to direct you towards what it is that you really deeply desire. If you're like most of us, a lot of times life does not go the way that we expected or thought it would, and that can really send us into a moment of spiraling. It can send us into fight or flight. It can send us into a place of uncertainty. It can send us into a lot of places. So how can we use this moment as a catalyst for our greatest liberation. One of the things that really helped me when I was going through a breakup years ago— awful, awful breakup, so painful— is writing out a list of all of the things that really did not work for me with my partner and within our dynamic. It really actually was so helpful in getting me to a place of clarity where I knew what I didn't want, so then I knew what I did want. What I want to get you to is the place where you're able to just really clearly list out the qualities that you desire in a partner. Okay, but sometimes when we're spiraling in a breakup and we're feeling heartache, we're feeling pain, maybe we can't eat, maybe we can't sleep, maybe we don't even know what to do with ourselves, maybe we can't stop thinking about them, it can be hard— actually, it can be almost impossible to shift into a state of, oh, What are the qualities I'd like in a partner? We just can't really get there. But where we sure can get is what didn't work for us, right? So I was talking with Keith the other day, the creator of this, of this amazing app, and I was sharing with him that I did this. And I said, you know, I was going through a breakup. I couldn't sleep for days. And so I wrote down all the things that didn't work for me. And then I flipped those qualities, those characteristics into their opposite, right? So one of the biggest things that I realized that might sound obvious but I didn't know back then that I needed in a partner is someone who has the ability to be empathetic. The person that I'm speaking of that I went through this breakup with really did not have that ability. So empathy was top of the list, but first I had to write down, you know, the fact that he was not empathetic. Um, and I'm trying to remember, I should actually get the list out and share it with you guys, but I don't have it with me in this moment. But really looking at, okay, if you're getting really honest with yourself, what were the things that just did not work for you? And what were the things that you deeply desired that didn't show up, that weren't present? And this is not to say that we're gonna go find some perfect person, okay? That does not exist. So let's just throw that out right now. But if this relationship has broken up for whatever reason, then let's use it as a way to learn yourself so that you know, okay, this is what works for me. This is what doesn't. Beyond attachment styles, beyond love languages, what is your specific owner's manual and what works for you? What are the qualities that you need in order to be able to build a healthy, loving relationship? Not perfection, but must-haves. What are the things that you must have? And I'll give you some ideas, some inspiration. Maybe you must have someone who's consistent. Maybe you must have someone who is emotionally available. Maybe someone who is emotionally intelligent. Maybe someone who's very communicative, maybe someone who is more independent and you don't have to have so much of your day-to-day together, right? But start writing out the things that you desire. And then further than that, I want you to actually expand upon those things, right? So if you're writing out, okay, I desire someone who is emotionally available, explain what that looks like. They return my texts in a certain amount of time. They call me every day. They make plans, they show up, they're consistent, their actions and words match. Such a big one, by the way. Actions and words matching equals integrity. We need that. This just has to happen. I would say everybody, if you don't know what to write, start with actions and words matching. Okay, because actions can look like one thing and it can, it can be very confusing when the words don't match. So I don't know if you've ever had someone show up as though they're available and you lean into the connection and you're grateful and you're excited, and then a little while down the road they pull way back. They weren't, they weren't really available, but maybe their words were saying that they weren't available, but their actions were saying that they were. Confusing. We don't need that. So get really clear on the qualities that you must have, okay? And I can help you with this if you need some support. The other thing I'd like you to do is think about your absolute deal breakers. So what are the things that if you see this thing present, you can't work with? Because everyone is going to have red flags. So I don't like the whole story around red flags. Oh, they have a red flag. She had a red flag. This person had a red flag. Cool. Everyone's gonna have red flags, okay? We're all human. We're all human on the planet, but How are you relating to your own red flags, right? How are these, these people, or this person that you might want to explore getting to know, relating to their own red flags? But what are your deal breakers? Okay, I'll give you a few of mine. If someone is in active addiction in any way— that could be with alcohol, with drugs, with workaholism, smoking weed, anything like that. That for me personally is a deal breaker. Can't do it. Tried it when I was younger, doesn't work. Shocking. Someone who's in active addiction is absolutely not available. Absolutely. Because their addiction is what they're available for, and that is the top of their minds, so they can't be available to you. So active addiction is a big one for me, as well as emotionally available. If someone is emotionally available, then that's the green light to move forward. If they're not, that is a hard no. How do you know if someone's emotionally available, you might ask? They will tell you. They will tell you. So you need to know how to ask the right questions, but also sit back and allow the time it takes to get to know somebody. Because I don't know about you, but it's really easy to get caught up in the excitement of meeting somebody new and the energy and the chemicals and all of the amazingness that really makes us feel a little bit high, uh, but we also lose our connection with our rational mind when that happens. So it really does take at least 90 days to really get to know someone, and, and more like a year, honestly. So slowing down is always suggested. Going back, what are the qualities? What are your must-haves that you would like in a partner? This will be an ever-evolving list So as you go through life and you meet different people, maybe experiences you have with friends, not just romantic, but what are the qualities and characteristics that you really appreciate in a person? Write them down. You're going to keep expanding on that list. What are your deal breakers that you promise yourself that you will love and honor yourself enough that if these things show up, you will walk? Okay. And if you need some help in sticking to these guidelines, and boundaries and, and the vision that you've set for yourself. That's what we're here for. So I hope this is helpful. Um, take this with you and make sure to write these things down and really envision. Use your imagination for good. Use your imagination to feed your desires rather than to spiral into the thinking patterns that can come with going through a breakup. And also, don't be hard on yourself if you go into those thinking patterns because it's pretty inevitable. But when you're able to— you're feeling a little more regulated— shift into, okay, if I could create whatever I desire, what would that look like? And then here's the biggest piece of this entire thing: all the qualities that you list out that you would desire start becoming them yourself. You become the energetic match for what you are desiring, what you are seeking. That is the name of the game. So you may have a little bit of work to do. You may have some healing to do. That's okay. Everyone does. There's no perfectly healed place. Okay, spoiler alert. But if you want someone who is emotionally available, are you being emotionally available to yourself first and foremost and then to others? Right. Are you available? If you want someone who's present, how present are you? How present are you with your friends? How present are you with a stranger that stops to chat with you on the street? How present are you with your children? Is your life being governed by your phone like most of our lives are? How present are you being? So this is the, the quickest hack. It's not exactly a quick one because it takes some work on ourselves, but becoming the energetic match and and the embodiment for what you're seeking will have you bump into not only a partner that's aligned in that way, but also friends, opportunities, connections, all kinds of things. So that's all for now. Please feel free to let us know if you have any questions about any of this, and if you want to dive a little bit deeper, please reach out and we can do some one-on-ones.
