Why Your Relationship Problems Follow You EVERYWHERE! #relationshipadvice
Your relationship patterns repeat because they're rooted in beliefs formed before age 7, which act as mental filters that shape how you perceive and react to partners. Changing jobs or partners won't break the cycle; you have to examine and heal the subconscious stories you're running, then choose response instead of reaction.
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Some important news: your patterns are going to show up in every relationship. You might think that if you just find somebody else, that things are going to go differently and that that's the answer, but I'm here to tell you that that is really not accurate. And if you do that, if you take that approach, you're going to find that you actually meet yourself in every single relationship. Here's what I mean. How we do one thing is how we do everything. Everybody has a different mental filter. Whatever's going on inside of our minds is going to be projected outward onto the world, onto people, places, and things, and reacted to by us. And our mental filter is created by our past experiences and beliefs that we've created over time in our lives. And a lot of it is colored by negative experiences or traumatic experiences because those traumas get imprinted in the brain and the brain stores it there to try to protect us from having that experience again. And so a lot of the things that show up in our world in the day-to-day have to actually do with our past experiences. No two people will have the same mental filter. So this is what creates so many challenges in communication in relationship is that I can be having one experience and whoever I'm relating to could be having a completely different experience. Both of them are valid. So we want to get away from the whole I'm right, you're wrong, I'm good, you're bad. None of that is helpful in healthy relating. What we want to understand is that everyone is having their own experience and that their experience is valid based on their past, based on their beliefs, based on their personal story. So our relationships are actually going to mirror back to us our own belief system. When you know this, you can start to navigate things very differently. A lot of people are walking around just completely unaware of the fact that whatever is going on within our minds is getting projected out and we are reacting to it. So if I have a belief that I am not lovable, or I have a belief that I'm not worthy, I will then go out in the world and experience life through that mental filter, through that belief system, and find evidence of why I'm not worthy. Even if there were many other instances that showed me the exact opposite, my brain will connect to the one that proves my belief right. So this is why it's so important to understand the power of the subconscious mind and how much it impacts us day to day. So between the ages of 0 and 7, we decide our beliefs about the world. We experience life and we go through certain things, and whenever we experience a really strong state of negative emotion, we create a belief that's attached to it, an imprint. There becomes a bit of a fragment in our psyche where that belief is living. And then what happens is we go through life and anytime we feel a hint of that similar energy, we start to react to it. 'Cause the brain, the alarms start going off. Vroom, vroom, vroom. Oh, this is the same. Oh my gosh, this is that thing from before. This is the thing that triggers me. Or worse, we don't even know what's happening, but we feel triggered. So we go from 0 to 100 in a matter of a couple seconds, and we don't even know what made that reaction happen. So once you understand what's operating in your subconscious mind and how the subconscious mind impacts about 95% of our day-to-day functioning, you can start to have some power over it, and you can start to heal whatever's driving the maladaptive patterns in the subconscious so that you can have a choice and start to respond rather than react, which is the name of the game. If I could give one tool to every single person on this planet, it would be the ability to pause and to be able to sit with yourself in order to choose how to respond rather than be hijacked by a reaction. Our relationships are going to mirror back our own selves to us. They're going to mirror back our internal world. The work really is to look at what are the patterns that keep showing up in your life? What are the patterns that show up in every relationship? For many people, it can be a pattern of being drawn to unavailable people or being attracted to unavailable people. For example, has this happened on repeat? How has this shown up for you? And when was the first time that you had this experience in your life? And talk about all that more in our coaching. Some of the common patterns that I see are being drawn to unavailable people or attracted to unavailable people, being put off by people who are available, so getting the ick from that, or feeling like you really need distance and space from someone who is available and healthy. There's also a pattern of overgiving where you feel like you have to give and give and give in order to prove your worth, but receiving may be difficult, which throws off the balance of things. There also could be a pattern of perfectionism, believing that you have to be perfect to be lovable and putting an immense amount of pressure on yourself because you believe that subconsciously that's the only way that you are worthy of love. Whatever your patterns are, you will keep subconsciously creating them until you bring them to the light. So just an invitation to look at without any judgment, with a lot of compassion and gentleness and love, what are the patterns that keep showing up in your life? If you don't recognize what your patterns are, they will just be operating subconsciously underneath the surface and creating the same story over and over again. So I had one of my clients recently say that he feels like his life is a movie and it just keeps having the same ending, and he really wants to experience a different movie, but over and over again it's the same movie, right? So you might find yourself dating somebody different but experiencing the exact same dynamic, or you might find yourself experiencing something that you experienced as a child over and over again with a partner or with a friend or with a boss. So we want to look at what are the patterns that are showing up with a lot of compassion for ourselves and really bring them to the light, and then work on healing whatever's at the root of these patterns, because because if we don't, if we just start operating from a surface level and think, okay, well, I'll just change this, this, and this, then the very same dynamic will show up over here with a new person or with someone else because that part of you is really needing attention and really wanting healing. So becoming aware of our patterns is a huge important thing if you want to have a different experience in relationships. Just today my client said to me, and I've heard this so many times before, once I have a boyfriend, everything will be okay. And I said, ah yeah, really common story. When I get the thing, when I get the relationship, when I get the money, when I get the job, when I get the car, everything else is going to be better. That's a really dangerous way of operating in the world because then, number one, you'll get the job, you'll get the boyfriend, you'll get the money, and then you'll play out the same pattern. Or you'll get the job, you'll get the relationship, you'll get the money, and you'll sabotage it because of your pattern, or you'll get it and you'll be so happy, and then eventually it goes away and then you're back to rock bottom, right? So whenever we make our peace and our happiness contingent upon some external thing, we are in deep trouble. So this work is about actually coming back home to yourself and sourcing from within your value, your worth. Just as you, within you. And from there, you will end up experiencing the job, the money, the relationship from a different energy, and you'll be able to appreciate it and be grateful, but it won't be your whole world. It won't be your higher power, which is where we get into trouble, because everything changes in this world. Everything is temporary. So if we're making this person, place, or thing our higher power, we're going to set ourselves up to take a really big nosedive. And that's the truth. So here's the good news: all of us have these patterns. There's nothing wrong with you. Everybody has varying degrees of patterns that we learned that really served us for a while. They really helped us out, or we wouldn't have them to begin with. But now, as we're adults and we're relating, they become maladaptive, some of them. So we want to bring them to the light, take a look at them, and look at what's driving them underneath, and give that part of us the deepest love, the deepest healing, deepest understanding, so that we can start to integrate these parts so that they don't hijack us in our life and our relationships. So this is one of the things that I work with my clients on, is shifting these patterns and healing them at the root so that you don't have to keep watching the same movie, which is your life, have the same experience over and over again.
