40 Years of Food Noise, 2 Bariatric Surgeries: What Finally Worked

it's an amazing tool, but it's only one tool. Didn't change my relationships with food, and it didn't change my struggles with food. I knew the old habits were creeping back in. I would be in front of the refrigerator, in front of the cabinet, grazing all night long. Instead of eating a meal, I'd go in and eat a piece of cheesecake. For lunch, I'd eat a piece of cheesecake, and then for dinner, I'd eat a piece of cheesecake until it was gone.

When I started working with you, when I looked in the mirror, I still saw 273-pound Kim.

Complete failure in a lot of other areas of my life. And that was just one more failure that was going to pile on. I was tired of failing. You just showed up in my Facebook. The way you broke it down in the workshop, everything just clicked and made sense. Looking inside and getting down to the why.

When I look in the mirror now, I see 160-pound Kim who is healthier, more confident, ready to go get the kayak and go get on the water, and who isn't worried about going out there in her swimsuit, even out there in shorts and a sports bra. And you know what? I could have cared less. Now I'm taking trips kayaking, I'm going home doing 5Ks, vacationing. To the beach with my daughter. It gave me my life.

Hi everyone, I'm Jessica Lawson, founder of the Bariatric Brain Method, and I'm here with Kim, who just graduated. When Kim first came to me, she told me that food had way too much power in her life. And here's what you need to know that Kim is going to talk about too. But Kim had already had weight loss surgery when I first met her. She'd had it twice. She had done the lap band, then she had the bypass, and she had maintained below her goal for a full year. Then some of the old habits started coming back. So today we're going to talk about what her journey has been like and what was actually different this time too. So first off, Kim, thank you for being here.

I, I'm ecstatic to be here. I am very, very grateful to be here.

Awesome. Well, why don't you tell everyone a little bit about you? Like, what— when— 60 seconds, what do we need to know about you? Like, who are you? The TL;DR.

I am just your average person who has struggled her whole life with her weight. Um, I was in the military. I didn't get in on weight even to the military. I got in on body fat. So I mean, literally just by the skin of my teeth. Had had lap band surgery, had an issue with the lap band. I was in a car accident. The tubing was messed up. We tried to fix it. We tried to fix it. Eventually had to have it taken out. Regained all the weight and then some. Ended up finding out that the VA covered bariatric surgery. So I had the gastric bypass surgery. Was really successful with it and that it found out that it's an amazing tool, but it's only one tool. And in the rush to get the surgery, of course, did the, the psych profile like every surgeon makes you do, but that didn't change this. It didn't change my relationships with food and it didn't change my struggles with food. And I knew that I found myself reverting back to old habits and that old yo-yo. I could see it starting to creep back in. I knew the old habits were creeping back in. And I fought too long and hard to finally get to my goal weight where I felt good and I felt healthy, and I was just tired of it, and I wasn't ready to lose what I had finally achieved.

Yeah, 100%. Thanks so much for sharing that. So I know you have your gastric bypass in 2024. When exactly Did the old habits start to come back and like what old habits specifically started to come back for you?

So my, I do not feel hungry at all. So my habit was not eating. I would not eat at all during the day at work. I would drink a protein shake for breakfast when I took my medicine, and then I would work through the day, not really drink anything, not eat anything. And then when I got home in the evening, I would make dinner. It, I would find myself tasting what I was making and then I would graze all evening. Hmm. I would be in front of the refrigerator, in front of the cabinet, just grazing all night long. And if I knew there was something in there that I liked, it was constantly in my brain until I knew it was gone. And I was that guy that if I saw a fast food commercial on TV, it was constantly on a repeat loop in my brain until I stopped and got it. And I would drive through the drive-through. Sometimes I'd go through and get it, sometimes I wouldn't. You know, and until I finally stopped and got it, it was on repeat in my head. Just like that leftovers in the refrigerator that until they were gone, I was back and back and back until it was gone.

Wow. But that's something you struggle with before surgery too, though. Yes. Yes.

So those old habits. Like I said, the tool, I gained the tool with the surgery, but this didn't change. Yeah. The surgery's not the miracle cure. It changes your stomach. You know, I had never heard anybody say that part of your stomach was amputated. I never had heard it put into that term until Yeah. I watched your, your, um, the workshop thing that I saw on Facebook, your workshop. Yeah. And I was like, that's pretty profound. I had to stop and remind myself that part of my stomach was amputated. My whole digestive tract was rerouted and there were huge changes made in there. You know, it, it didn't seem like there was anything major that happened. There were just a couple little puncture marks. And now I'm not hungry. Yeah. You know, and then we started with the blood sugar issues. We found out the blood sugar issues were going on and I never had any issues with dumping syndrome, you know, and then come to find out we have the One doctor calls it the, um, early dumping syndrome. One calls it the reactive hypoglycemia. But either way, I've got the, the sugar issues that are making me have to be responsible with my eating. So in a way, that's— you didn't have a choice. The universe's way of saying Yeah, something did change and you are going to have to, you know, universe's way of kicking me in the butt saying, you're going to have to do this, girl. But, you know, yeah, the universe gives you what you need to, to make you, but, you know, your, your program and taking a step back and Everything that, that we went through that you put in front of us was so huge in fixing this to go along with all the other tools that I really, really wish that more doctors and surgeons did more of that before the surgery to make every single bariatric patient as successful as they can be. And It would be so amazing for so many people. Yeah. Everybody deserves the success that you can give them.

Tell me this. I know you kind of, you, you kind of talked about it a little bit, but like, let's go back to, you know, a year after, a year after your gastric bypass. Mm-hmm. Um, you weren't really hungry during the day. Then you went scavenging at night. Yeah. What, what was it like in your head? Like, imagine someone who's never felt that way. Like, how would you describe it to them?

The, the buzzword that's used now, it's, I knew it was there and my, my brain just wouldn't let it go. So, you know, it was. Not really a craving like, oh, I want ice cream. It was just, uh, I know it's there and I'm not going to be satisfied until I know it's gone. It's that temptation is going to be there and until it's not there calling my name. I'm not going to be satisfied until it's gone.

Yeah. Yeah. And there's a difference between taking a bite and eating the whole thing.

Right. And I never really, I never really binged even before my surgery. Yeah. I never really binged, but if I knew there was like half a cheesecake left in there. We made a cheesecake for a party and there was half of one left in there. Instead of eating a meal, I'd go in and eat a piece of cheesecake. And then for lunch, I'd eat a piece of cheesecake. And then for dinner, I'd eat a piece of cheesecake until it was gone. Mm-hmm. You know, so it wasn't like I would just eat the whole half the cheesecake. Just every time I went to eat, I would eat that instead of eating a meal and eating something nutritious until it was gone.

Did you even know what you were really doing at the time? No. No. It was just what you did.

That's what I did.

You know, and the way that you helped break things down and made me look internally with what was going on, what was going on around me, what feelings and emotions and what triggered things really makes, makes you break it down to the fundamental human basics of, wow, that makes sense. Why, you know, why did I never realize that? You know, and if you're ready, willing, and able to be that vulnerable and honest, you can't help but be successful. Yeah, but it takes the commitment to be that vulnerable.

You caught the regain pretty early this year, right? So at about 10 pounds, and a lot of people will wait until it's 20, 30, 40, or more than that because maybe they don't feel like it's enough to do anything. What made you want to do something at just 10 pounds?

Because there were too many times that it started out just as 10 pounds and that was the beginning of yo-yo. I put too much into it and with the bariatric surgery, it was the most successful I had been. And I just couldn't let myself undo it. It, I was tired of failing. I was tired of, and, and there were a lot of other things going on. Yeah. In my life that I felt like I was a complete failure in a lot of other areas of my life. And that was just one more. Failure that was going to pile on, on top. And I was tired of the negative. I was tired of the failures. And it was at a precipice in my life where I needed to stop feeling like a failure.

Hmm. Okay. That makes complete sense. So how'd you even find me? Like, were you looking for help, or like, did I just show up?

It— you just showed up in my Facebook feed.

You found me on Facebook, you came to the workshop. What made you want to even talk to me?

The, the information that you gave in the workshop, just the way you broke it down in the workshop, everything just clicked and made sense. I mean, I had been through like the nutrition classes before the surgery and support groups and support groups and this and that and the other, and You, the way you broke it down and it, it just made more sense and it was more relevant and it, it just, it hit home harder. It was more relevant and genuine and it felt more like it would actually help.

You tried a lot of things in your life. Mm-hmm. When you think about the work that we did together, what was actually different?

Looking inside and getting down to the why, you know, looking at, you know, what emotion is attached, what is going on, like going into the break room and refilling my water bottle and having donuts sitting in there, you know, and walking past them and knowing that I had skipped what we call my anchor meal, you know, and not eating on time and being on my schedule and understanding why sometimes those donuts sitting there affect me and sometimes they don't, being able to break that down. And understand why sometimes that pull is there and why sometimes it's not, or why sometimes it's emotional, sometimes it's a physical response. You know, you haven't eaten, your body's hungry, or my blood sugar's wonky. Breaking it down and understanding the why makes it easier to understand why these things are happening in your body. So you—

we start working together. Walk me through the very first few weeks. When I was preparing for this, um, I went back in all my notes and like went to the very first moment where you sat down and named the woman you were becoming.

So we We, uh, we ended up with Confident Kim, and it, it was quite the journey. Um, when we did our, our first phone call, my husband was there with us. And he was, you know, he wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to do this for me and talked me into it. You know, we were going to figure out how to make it work and everything was going to be great. And couple weeks into it, um, the bottom fell out of my world, but 33-year marriage ended and going through everything that you had given me, I don't eat an elephant just one bite at a time very well. And, you know, I, I had told you that, you know, you were like, you know, go at it slow, just, you know, little bites of everything. And I don't do that very well, especially when I started getting into the material.

So I was like, trying to, to slow everything down.

And, and I kept sending messages to my crew, and then the bottom fell out of the marriage. And, and I had sent you a message, and I was like, you know, all this is going on, I don't know if I can continue with, with our program because, you know, everything going on. And then You know, you sent me back encouragement and said we would make it work, it would work for me, and that I really could do it, and that if I just had the confidence in myself, I could do it. And messaging my crew with the K and knowing I needed to have the confidence in myself but it needed to be with a K. There was Confident Kim. There was Confident Kim.

Yeah. Looking back at everything we did, what was the through line? Like, what do you feel like was— were like the key things you were learning week after week?

So week after week, for me, the biggest thing was the routines. I'm— I need the routines. The routines in the way you layer in the habit stacking without us even realizing you're doing it. I— and once, you know, we got into it, I realized that those routines were what was holding me where I needed to be. Because, I mean, you know, it got to the point where I wasn't doing great. I, you know, reached out to the VA. I'm a veteran. I reached out to the VA and you know, I did a mental health intake, got in with them, um, had been doing therapy every week, you know, um, working through some CPTSD, work unpacking some trauma stuff. And good Lord, I swear you and my therapist are still in good hoots. But it, you know talk about the universe giving you what you need. You know, you— everything that I was doing with my therapist, we had already done together, you know. And having those routines that I needed to fall back into to have that solid base when I was at those super low times, held me where I needed to be to get through that low, dark time. Because if I hadn't had that, I would have— I, I don't know where I would have been because I was in a not just a low, lonely time. I was functionally depressed. I was not in a good place. And instead of turning to old bad habits, I was reaching out. I was not eating 5 times a day, but I was making sure I was at least getting nutrition in.

You were doing the best you could, and I was. Yeah, go ahead.

I was, and before I wouldn't have even reached out, you know. So, but routine, and you know, having that base and that routine, it, it's such a core part of me And I never realized how much those routines mattered.

You know, I think for you what we really learned was that your routines stabilize you and your routines create your minimum viable structure that you need in order to be the best possible confident Kim, right? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And so let's talk about too, like, what's different now. So What's your relationship with food like now compared to back then?

It's, it's not even 180 degrees different. It's like 360 degrees different. It's— I don't live to eat anymore. I eat so that I can live healthy and maintain a healthy, confident Kim.

Sounds like you're eating to not be the best version of yourself.

Yeah, and you know, I'm eating to, you know, not only maintain my blood sugar and my liver health than in everything else, that the quote unquote food noise isn't the first and foremost in my head. It's, you know, like I was just at home on a trip and I caught myself only eating protein because I was there and there was a smoker and I was enjoying all the meat. And realized that I needed veggies, I needed fruit, you know, and caught myself and went to Aldi's and made sure I got— I'm the weirdo that goes and buys carrots and sour sticks, you know, but stopped and caught myself and went and got the fruits and the veggies and made sure that I had what I needed and You know, I've gotten to the point where it's like before I would never say anything, and now it's like if I'm around a big group of people or we're getting ready to have a big group meal, it's like, don't worry about me, I'll just grab what I need when I need it, and I'll sit around with everybody else while they're eating and just talk with everybody. It's not— Yeah. Like I'm worried about anybody seeing me eat anymore or eating something different anymore. Food is more like a medicine to sustain me than it is, oh my gosh, it's— I have to have this and it's going to run through my brain until I have it. I'm not living to eat that food anymore.

Yeah, what's interesting with that example too is that it sounds like you're now more present when you are engaging with other people. And when you go to a social event, like you mentioned, it's about the connection, which is the purpose of the event, not the food. Absolutely. Absolutely. So here's the part I don't want to skip either. It's like, where does all this line with you health-wise? Like, how are you doing when it comes to feeling about, like, your body too?

You know, when I started working with you, when I looked in the mirror, I still saw 273-pound Kim. The, the body dysmorphia is so relevant And if you don't get this right, it's never gonna change. When I look in the mirror now, I see 160-pound Kim who is healthier and more confident and is ready to go get the kayak and go get on the water, and who isn't worried about going out there in her swimsuit or her shorts. I was even out there in shorts and a sports bra, and you know what, I could have cared less because you know what, I was on the water in my kayak and I needed to be on the water to process a hard day. Yeah. And I just went out there on the water and got back to the COVID and just let out what I needed to. And it had nothing to do with food. It had nothing to do with anything other than the fact that I was present with myself. And I worked through what I needed to. And I never would have had the presence of mind to do that in— not even close before, or to even realize that I needed to go do that, to go to a safe space and do that. And I would have just hold up inside myself and shut down and never would have let myself process it in a healthy way to come out better on the other side.

That's beautiful. Let's play a quick game, like a 1-minute game. Okay. Okay. I'm gonna name a place. You give me one word for the old Kim, and then one word that describes the Kim sitting right in front of me. Okay? Okay. Ready? Yep. The work kitchenette when the donuts are out.

Old Kim can't really do one word. Sneaking in after everybody left to get one in private so nobody saw it. And the current Kim doesn't even know they're there. Doesn't care.

Heck yeah, a campfire with dessert and s'mores going around.

Hugging my dad. Oh wait, new Kim hugging my dad, old Kim s'mores.

Okay, old Kim s'mores. What did the new Kim do?

Hugs. Okay, the drive-through commercial, whatever was on the commercial.

Go get it. Yep. Okay, that's the old Kim. Yep. What about the current Kim? What drive-through? You're gonna kayak there? Yeah. How about at home alone on a bad day?

Shut down.

That's old Kim.

Yep, completely shut down.

Okay, what about current Kim? Kayak. Heck yeah. I want you to finish this sentence: 6 months ago, I never thought I'd be able to— what?

Be on my own and be happy about it.

That's powerful.

This, this didn't just give me freedom from food, and we talked about this. Yeah, this gave me the confidence to turn around a life where I kept telling myself that I was a failure as a wife and as a mother, and to walk away from a marriage that should have ended years ago. And if I hadn't been doing this work with you I wouldn't have felt that I had the self-worth to even dream of telling him that. I would have still considered myself that failure and would have let him do whatever he wanted to. But look at you now. But doing this work not only gave me the— I don't want to say freedom from food— it gave me the confidence over knowing that I could be free from the food and from all the other negative things in my life, and to do the work that I need to do to unpack all of my trauma and to get the help I need to find myself finally and actually start to live for me.

Wow. Woof, that's heavy, and that's really impactful.

It is, and it's all that out of—

it's not just about the bariatric, it's about changing the brain to change the whole person. That's just the food and the, the bariatric part's only one part of it. If you really work this program, that's one part of what's going to change. It, it can't help but change all of you.

Yeah, I just have a few last questions. Two quick questions. Yeah, in one sentence, who were you before I met you? Who are you now?

Before you met me, I was Kim that was too afraid to get herself out of a rut she had been in for a very long time. And now I am Confident Kim, who is putting in the work and ready to move forward and find herself for the first time in her life and have a life, finally.

Amazing.

Where you're kayaking down every river.

Where I'm kayaking down every river.

If you had to say in one sentence, like, what the work we did did for you, like, what would you say?

It gave me my life. Wow.

That's huge.

It did. It gave me my life. I was— I would go for— if I was on like a, a week off over Thanksgiving, I would literally not leave my house or interact with anybody the whole time I was off. I would literally hole up in this house and I wouldn't call anybody, text anybody, go out, do anything, interact It— I was literally holed up, not doing anything. I was that deep into it. And now I'm taking trips, going home, spending time with my family, working from home. I'm going to my friend's house. I'm kayaking. I'm going home doing 5Ks with my sister. I'm going— vacation to the beach with my daughter. I'm doing the work with you. I'm working through stuff in therapy. I'm doing the things, and I wasn't doing those things 6 months ago. I wasn't even contemplating doing those things 6 months ago.

Man, there's someone watching this right now that might be feeling exactly how you felt 6 months ago. What, what do you want to say to them? What do you want them to know?

Don't let anybody tell you what you are worth or what you can or cannot do. Be your own person. And dig down deep and listen to yourself. You are worth it. You are enough, and you're worth trying. Just give it a chance. Listen to Jessica Lawson. She will bend over backwards. She will do anything she can to make this work for you. And it, it's amazing. It's amazing work. It may seem scary. It may seem hard, but you are worth it. I was worth it, and you're worth it. Every single one of us are worth it. We know what it's like to feel the shame of being overweight, of having people look at us, of feeling less than because of people judging us for our weight all of our lives. But you've done the work, you've done the surgery, and now is your time. Take it.

So Kim, you came to me having already done so many different things, like 2 surgeries you maintained, and food still having so much power over you. And then 6 months later, and boom, one of the hardest years of your life, you took control. Not because anyone handed it to you, but because you actually did the work and work that nobody ever sat you down and told you you needed to do. I'm so proud of you and thank you so much for being here.

Thank you. Thank you for walking the journey with me, giving me the tools and encouraging me. Thank you.

Of course. We did it.

Yeah, you did it.

I did it, but you, you were a huge guiding force from the bottom of my heart.