3 Ways To Ease Anxiety During Stressful Times

Foreign. Welcome to our Brothers in Conversation podcast, powered by Jesse and Shondell. Shondell, you are from Bed Stuy do or Die Brooklyn.

That little town.

That's a little town that's nothing like Hawthorne, Nevada. Population 5,000 cats and dogs. Our subject matter today is going to be three ways to ease anxiety during stressful times. That's what we're going to talk about. Yes. February 18, 2021. This is episode number 41, Mr. Shondell. So three ways to ease anxiety during stressful times. Just when you hear that, Shondale. Just when you hear that, what comes to mind for you when you just hear that? I want to hear your thoughts.

You know, stress is different for different people. And stress is sometimes you know it's coming and sometimes you don't know it's coming. Like, the obvious is like if you have a death of a loved, you know, you're under a lot. Enormous amount of stress and grieving.

Right, Right. Or if you have a financial situation.

You see that coming.

Right.

But sometimes we don't know stress is coming. If we're at work and like, jobs that we had in casino business. And you're just working. You just working, working, working. So you're not thinking about the stress because you're doing something and you're not feeling the. Necessarily the stress that people. Fine, you know, the anxiety or the, you know, the. You're not feeling the illness part.

Right.

So a lot of times you're being stressed. And managing stress is extremely important. You know, I think stress, to me, is one of those things that you can manage based on your perspective of life.

That's a good point, Shannon. There are a lot. You say that, and it's true, but there are a lot of people that cannot manage stress.

Exactly.

They don't even know how to manage stress. There are a lot of people that are living from a stressful perspective, and they. They don't know. They're not tuned in to that. That stress is impacting their lives.

Yes, sir.

You know how to do what you just said because you've been practicing that a long, long time. That's not new for you, managing stress. Even before. Even before the casino business that you were in, even before hospitality, you were managing, you had. You had to learn as a young boy, as a young father, you had to learn there's a lot of stresses to a young father, a teenage father.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. But, you know. Yes. What's interesting is I think even early on, my mom was preparing me in a lot of ways. For a different type of stress.

Right.

I went to a middle school called Philip Eskyla Middle School for the Gifted and Talented. And I remember the enormous amount of pressure that was put on me to interview, take a test, go back again and interview again for middle school. Right. Going to sixth grade or seventh grade. I was going seventh grade at the time. And I'm saying, man, why do I have to go to all this just to go to school? Right.

Right.

So there are opportunities there when you, you know, when parents like my mom are preparing you, I don't think you can be prepared for that teenage parent piece. But you're right that you have certain things, whether it's your religion or the way you handle things, that can manage your stress. Right. Or it can get out of control real quick.

It does. And your character, yes, it can get out of control completely outside of your control. And your character, your personality, your character, your experience experience, your, your environment, your exposure, your outreach, your contacts, all of this can impact how you manage stress. If you're someone that doesn't like conflict or confrontation, when stressful things happen, those people go inside.

Yes.

If you're someone that wants to, wants to snap to it and get things done and move. And when stressful things happen to people that are, that are movers and shakers, they tend, they tend to be more tenacious. And the stress, even if it bothers them, you can't see it, can't tell because they go after, they want to expunge it and get it taken care of.

Right.

Or if you're dealing with someone, if you're dealing with someone that's a processor, that they like to process things, let's say it, if you're, if you question, if you're, if you're standing on the Las Vegas Strip, Shondell, and you start to walk across the, the, the street, not in a, not in a, in a bonafide crosswalk, just walking across the street, walking across. And a car is coming and you don't see it, but your beautiful wife sees a car coming at 120 miles an hour. And you're a processor. Let's, let's assume you're a processor. How long should you process her alert to get the hell out of the way, like immediately. Right. When Arlene says shondell move, you don't get to process that. Isn't that a stressful moment to almost be in a near death situation?

Oh, that's a great, great example of that. That stress that hits you at that moment.

Right.

And how do you react to it? You know, and it's funny because when you get stressed and you think about in that situation, I'm sure that her.

Tone is going to be one of very, very loud.

But she's not angry. She's concerned.

Yes. Wow.

Yeah.

Funny you should say that. I wasn't going to talk about this. I don't really like to. Not just because I don't, but I'm going to because you, you, you, you, you, you. You laid up a great offering. Lisa and I were in a situation a year ago, exactly what you just said. And because I know that Lisa is a processor, if I would have screamed really loud, I probably would have made things a lot worse. My into. My intuition knew we. We were in a. We were in a. As you know, we were in a collision. And it was a 95 to 100 mile an hour collision between the speed that the lady was going about 60 miles an hour, we were going about 35 to 40 mil and she ran a red light. And I said, if I don't say what I said to Lisa, I said this. It went just like this, Sean. All. And I was sitting three quarters. Lisa was looking down the road as you should. And we were crossing Charleston and the 215 is right there. And I was angled because we were in a great conversation. We had just come back from a speaking gate and from Reno. We were excited. And it. Because it went really, really well. And it's my intuition saw this. And then I don't even know how I picked up on it, but I saw this car that looks like it wasn't going to stop. And all I did was I said, stop. She's not stopping now. I raised my voice, but I didn't scream, right? But I wanted to scream. Yeah, but I didn't. I raised the power of my voice and I reached over to her arm. And Lisa, who is a processor, she also doesn't like being yelled at, right? But. But she trusted. And she just barely start to hit the brakes too late, and bam. The officer on the scene said if Lisa didn't have that hesitation, if she did not have that quick pump on the brakes, we would have been a fatal accident. We would have lost our lives because the lady would have t boned us right in the side of the door. Instead of hitting us in the door, the front end of our car ran into the back end of her car and crushed. Our engine was questioned up in the air, but the engine was the buffer that saved our lives. The door, you don't get that much protection from a car.

Right.

Tell me what you think about that. Because you brought that up.

No, you're right. You know what if it's all in how you handle situations, like, it's like when things are going awry. One of the things that we're taught as, as managers supervisor in the military, it's like if you scream something, right, everybody in chaos.

Right.

So the best thing for us to do is like really process and okay, slow down, breathe. And so that's, that's part of the training too that I had over the years.

Oh, I'm sure you did. And I can see that on you. And also there's a thing when it comes to managing stress and anxiety. Sometimes this thing that people have with this anxiety stuff, they just, they don't even know. It's really, it takes them over, even making them feel like they're having a heart attack. And it really becomes, it's like a panic attack. And so it can take on a lot. So this thing between reacting and responding is really huge. Let me read something that Lisa discovered for us. I'm going to share with you in the audience. And this is really cool. So there's a psychologist by the name of Tamar Chansky. And Lisa pulled some stuff from an article and she said this. She said, stay in your time zone. Anxiety is a future oriented state of mind. So instead of worrying about what's going to happen, reel yourself back to the present. So one of the things she said about stay in your time zone. Stop worrying about things that haven't even happened.

Right.

I say this to the clients I'm serving when I see them worrying about things that haven't happened. I said, why would you pay interest on a debt you may never own?

That's true.

Because that's what you do when you worry about something that hasn't happened.

Yes, yes.

Paying interest on a debt that you may never own. Right, right. So that, that's, that's in the line with Tamar. And so stay in your time zone. And I like that. And Then follow the 3, 3, 3 rule. She said this. Look around you and name three things you see. Then name three sounds you hear. Finally move three parts of your body. Your ankle, fingers or arm. Whenever you feel your brain going 100 miles per hour. This mental trick can help center your mind, bringing you back to the present moment. Share your thoughts on that three, three, three rule.

You know, I like that. I, you know, I, I have another way of doing it, but I like.

What's your, what's your way. I'm curious.

You know, whenever I feel like things.

Are getting super stressful, I sit back and I just close my eyes.

Okay.

I do look around the room, and then I process, like, okay, is that something that I have control over? Did I do everything I could have? And if it's something out of my control, it's gone. If it's something I've done, everything that I could have possibly done, it's gone. If it's something that I can correct or do better, then I, you know, I move it to a bucket where I try to, you know, figure it out, but I let it all go at that moment for. For about 15 minutes, and then I.

Get back to whatever.

Okay, so. So let me help the audience hear the power. What you just said, what Shondale said is very powerful. And he said that in Shondale knees, chandeliers is a different language. And when you said it's gone, what Shondale's saying is he puts it down.

Yeah.

He doesn't carry it. He doesn't keep going with that. When you, like you said, you've done the best that you can do, you've analyzed the situation, you've made whatever choices are available, then all that other erroneous stuff, you put it down.

Yeah.

That's what you're saying, Am I right? Yeah.

No, absolutely. And you know, the other thing that's real important, and I want to appeal to those people who are the go to people in their families, because the go to people in the families are the ones who are always burdened with everyone else's stress.

Correct.

Hey, I can't pay my rent this month. You got any suggestions? Hey, I'm fighting with my girlfriend or boyfriend. Can I bend your ear? Those things are stressful to some people because they internalize those things as if maybe. Maybe that person just wants somebody to vent to. Maybe it's not your problem to solve. But I remember a mentor of mine told me a long time ago, don't let a lot. Don't allow a lot of people to.

Rent space in your mind.

I like that. That's good.

Because they will stress you out about their situation because, you know, they feel like you're the person that has it together and you can carry that burden. Well, I'm very clear to my siblings. I have six siblings, not eight in laws, and 17 grandchildren and eight children.

Wow.

So if I decided to take on even a fraction of that, it would drive me crazy.

Right.

And I would stress myself, you know, if my daughter Broke up with her boyfriend. And that's not my stressor. I'll listen, I'll hear, but I'm not there to solve it.

Well, you're there to support and assist. But your point you're making, Shonda, is you're not the final answer. You're not the one that's going to do it for them. You can provide avenues and resources, but that's it.

Yeah.

You don't live, you don't take it on like it's yours. When you take on other people's problems like they're yours.

Yeah.

Then they're going to carry that weight on you and that's going to sack you down and deplete your energy.

Yes, sir.

Very good. Very well. Well said. That's nice. I like that. That's really good. I'm going to pop up another piece from this Tamara Chansky. The. She's got a PhD in psychology. She's a psychologist who wrote this article. She talks about people that are managing panic attacks and that kind of stressful stuff like that. To relabel what's happening, I'm going to read what she says. To relabel what's. What happened, she says. So here this Shondell and those of you that are listening to this. Panic attacks can often make you feel like you're dying or having a heart attack. I'm sure people listening to this can relate to this. Remind yourself, I'm having a panic attack, but it's harmless, it's temporary, and there's nothing I need to do. Plus, keep in mind, it really is the opposite of a sign of impending death. Your body is activating its fight or flight response, the system that's going to keep you alive. Much like when I gave you the idea of if your beautiful wife asked you to pop out of the street at 120 mile an hour, car coming your way. Right. Our fight or flight is kicking in. Gives you the adrenaline to really jump out of the way and avoid that attack. Right? Yeah.

Yeah.

So when you hear that, what, what the, the psychologist, Tamar Chansky, what she said about relabeling, what's happening, what are your thoughts about that?

You know, I do that a lot. I, I relabel. It's funny because I, you know, I try to, I wouldn't say escape reality, but I do relabel things and put it into a different perspective and, and, and always try to flip it as, you know, you know, the, the analysis that you guys did with.

With your.

Company was that I try to find the Humor or try to find a humorous piece. When it comes to stress, that's when people probably that people that know me know that's when I'm stressed.

Right. I've seen you. Not that I was detecting stress. I've seen you whenever I've been around you and a conversation or communication gets tense or intense. The. You. You drop right into a soft sense of humor. And you. And you do it delicately. You don't do it rudely or abruptly, but the moment that it's your. Your play and in the cue, you drop humor on it.

Right.

And then you. Then you go to the subject matter, but the first thing you do is drop some humor on it to lighten it up. Then you go to speak to it. You won't just speak to it when it's heavy. You go. You go to the lighter side. So that is a way of relabeling it. So it's a good tool. I like that tool. I think what I do when I'm in a situation like that is I also like the softer side of matters like that. But I tend to listen even more intently and then check for understanding. Especially if it's something really tumultuous or stressful or in that zone. I'll check to make sure I'm understanding what you're saying, even when it's a heated situation. You know why I do that? Don't work every time. It works almost every time. Do you know why I do that though, Shondell?

Why?

Because it. It lets that person feel validated.

Right.

And heard. Yeah. And especially when they're ticked off or frustrated. Yep. So that is a bit of a calmer of the. So rather than relabeling it, I. I choose to go for connecting to let you know I hear you.

Gotcha.

That doesn't mean I agree with you.

Right.

But you still like it because you. Now you're being heard. Yeah.

And I think that helps people a.

Lot because if you feel like you're being heard, you feel value.

Yes.

You know, it brings down attention.

You feel validated.

Yes.

I never. I. Now, if you. If I think it's not correct or I think you're wrong, I'm going to be delicate of how I say that. I'm not going to lie and pretend like everything's cool when it's not. But I shift the focus on you and remove the focus away from me. My eye. Yeah.

Yeah. That's because you're a nice guy.

Well, this is just a tactic. Much like. Much like your humor tactic that's really what it is. So. So here, let's. Butter.

That's what they call.

That's right. I have been. I have been labeled Mr. Butter every now and then. Fact. In fact, the first person. Oh, my. Where's Lisa? I can see Debbie Rogers. Debbie Rogers was a client of ours. She's out of Florida. And we've been working on sessions and stuff. And she would be challenged with whatever. I would say something and she's go, okay, Mr. Butter. Because the way it comes off it smooths it out. So that was, that was a Debbie Rogers thing. But. And finally, the final point I want to make on this article that Lisa found is beyond the relabeling of what's happening in the three rule is breathe in and out. Oddly enough, breathe in is it. So let's read what she has to say, then weigh in. Deep breathing helps you calm down. While you may have heard about specific breathing exercises, you don't need to worry about counting out a certain number of breaths. Chansky says instead, just focus on evenly inhaling and exhaling. This will help you slow down and recenter yourself and recenter your mind. So really just breathe.

Yeah.

Because, you know, a lot of people are just a lot of people under stress. Shondell hold their breath and don't know they're holding their breath.

Yes. Yes.

We don't even know we're doing it.

Why? Right.

I think it's a mechanism that, almost like a defensive mechanism or whatever, but just, but the opposite is better for you to just breathe. Breathe.

Yeah.

So to me, this, this thing called anxiety and, and, and I think also anxiety and stress can lead to depression.

Very much so.

Because when you stay anxious and you stay. Stress brings you down that downward push lead. I'm sure that leads to depression.

Yeah. And there are many times just that, you know, people don't realize that. They just don't realize that they're under so much stress. So like when you talk about like, even, even owning a business, Right. You have so many different quadrants that go in your head. That's what I call, you know, so many different pieces. You got operations, you got finance, you got human resources, you got sales and marketing. Yeah. You got all this stuff going on.

Right.

And then, then. But in the midst of that, right. As me and you both know, we still, we're still people, 100% other stuff going on.

What.

All of this is weighing you down. Weighing you down. And you know what? The breathing part.

Perfect.

Yes. Sit back.

And sometimes I, you know, we got these bright Lights that now happen with zoom.

Right.

I turn those lights off, put on some smooth jazz.

Yes, yes. 100. 100. So that. So, so that's true. I, I agree with everything. So let's do a little reiteration from the, from the psychologists, especially for those that just tuned in. In fact, if you just tuned in, this is a great program to go back and rewatch. Also, we want you to share this. Please subscribe to our Brothers in Conversations podcast channel and share this in the Village. This is going to be good. So just as a quick recap from the article that Lisa Farrell pulled for us on this anxiety and stress, number one, stay in your time zone. Anxiety is a future oriented state of mind. So don't put a bunch of time in the future trying to resolve stuff that hasn't even happened. Stay in your time zone.

Right.

And then follow the three plus three plus three. The three, three, three rule. So look around you and name three things that you see. Name the three sounds you hear and finally move three parts of your body. Just three, three, three to re. Shift. It's like a recalibration, right? No. And then relabel what's happening. So relabel what's happening. You know, don't, don't think it's near death. It's not. It's the fight or flight thing. So call it what it is. Relabel that so that you shift your mindset and then breathe. Basically, those are the reminders. So that's. That. That pulls that all together. If people are just tuning in, they can hear what we're talking about. Anxiety and stress. And this thing called anxiety and stress. You make it look easy, Shondell, because you've been doing it quite a while. And also you're firm at practicing good habits.

Yes.

Yes.

You know, I, and I think that's the key, Jess, that you just said, you know, now you give me goosebumps. You. So I used to tell my kids as they were growing up, the habits you form are the habits you will keep.

Yes.

So develop good habits at dealing with stress and dealing with anxious moments.

And. Yes.

Think about that first rule is think about.

It's the moment.

Like sometimes people are trying to control things. Well, if I do this, this is going to happen. If I do this, this is going to. You're not in control of a lot of things.

That's right.

This is the business that we're in. Right?

That's right.

The business that I'm in. If I do throw an event and I've done everything possible to get people to the event. Now they have the final say. So I don't ever worry about it. And why you not worried? Why you're not worried? Well, what am I going to do at this point? Am I going to start calling people like, are you still in bed?

Are you too late? Yeah, right. Yeah.

So do everything that you can possibly and feel good about what you've done.

And you have, you have consistently subscribed to those habits and they work for you. Ryan Tracy, powerful speaker and author, said it best. And coach. Good habits, hard to form and easy to live with. Bad habits, easy to form and hard to live with.

That is a definite.

That's it.

Say that again. Say that again.

Good habits are hard to form and easy to live with. Bad habits are easy to form and hard to live with.

We need to make sure that's all over our.

Yeah, that's it. So this was. This was good, a great way to close the program. I appreciate you Shondale news. And where can people find you if they're looking to tap into the little shondell time?

You know What? I'm on LinkedIn, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and guess what? I'm everywhere.

Awesome. Awesome. Well, you can find us at Lisa, listen, she's out there. You can find us@justtalk.com you can find us, like you said, on Facebook and LinkedIn. You can also find us in YouTube. Some great stuff on YouTube as well. But I want to close this program the way we close our program because this was swift and to it and we wanted to connect with people. We wanted to engage you. We wanted to enlighten you. We want to bring you tools that help shift your life. And we do that because it's all about how you lead them. Feeling. Yes, sir. Sa.