Are you over serving Trying to fit in? CONVERSATIONS Powered by JessTalk & LisaListen Episode 2

Hello, Hello. Conversations out there. Just talking. Lisa, listen, this is the Powered by program. This is the podcast.

Oh, here we go. Are you ready to get started?

I'm ready to rock and roller like the Ayatollah. How's that? Okay, so here's the thing. I want to start off something really that I think is about gratitude. Are you all about gratitude, Liz?

Every day.

I know you are. You live it, pay it forward, breathe.

It three to five times a day.

You show it, do it, be it.

Yes.

That's you.

That's me.

Okay, so I'm going to say gratitude for the number we can certainly thank on a. On a weekly basis. The one person that stands out the most for me today, and hopefully for you as well. Yes, I'm going to say is Ruth. Ruth Furman. Ruth Fuhrman, PR professional extraordinaire.

Yes, indeed she is.

The girl is bad to the bone.

We have another very special guest in house today.

Talk to me. Who is it?

Her name is Midge Porter and she flew in all the way from Salt Lake City, Utah.

Midge Porter. That sounds like your mama.

Yes, it's my mom.

Don't you talk about my mama. Hey, what you talking about, Willis? Very cool. So we'll welcome them to the studio and also tonight, the podcast world and those folks that are out there in podcast land. If you have a comment or question for Ruth Fuhrman, extraordinaire and mother dear extraordinaire, they will be on premise to answer well.

And you can chime in to the live chat and send your question. And we will be more than happy to answer it and filter it out through you for this next 30 minutes.

Question or comment either way. Yes, let's talk about what the show's about today. I love this. You actually came up with this and I absolutely love this. Are you overserving, trying to fit in? The first thing is, are you overserving? The reason why a lot of people do it is because they're seeking, working, or trying to fit in.

And God knows that I've been found guilty of it several times throughout my life. I think as I. As I get more wisdom in my older years that I have backed off on that.

But okay, let's go back to the early years. What are some of the reasons why people do. Young folks, you know, in the first grade and the primary school and junior high school. Definitely junior high school and for sure in high school, reasons for fitting in, reasons for not fitting in, reason for seeking to overserve so they can fit in. Why do they do it well because.

They'Re looking, they're seeking, they're insecure, they're trying to find themselves. Maybe something happened in a relationship that left them not feeling so good.

Maybe a family member, maybe a friend. Maybe a friend of the family or something.

Somebody said it could be.

And people want to be accepted.

Yes.

And so at the root level, people want to be accepted. That's really what it's all about, don't you think?

Oh, yeah.

And also, is that your phone ringing on our podcast or is that mine?

Holy cow, Jess, we busy now?

How's that? Okay, so we have a little sense of humor for you.

There you go.

So, no, no, let's get back to this. People want to be accepted.

Yes.

They want to feel. And feeling accepted leaves them feeling what?

Good.

It leaves them feeling good. Doesn't also, don't you think? Also it leaves them feeling like they're part of something. They're connected.

Everyone wants to fit in.

They do want to fit in. And I. I think there's some science behind it. No, I don't think. I know. There's some science behind it, too. Yeah, the science behind it is we are herd animals. We have a herd mentality. That's why there are religious communities, ethnic communities, there are schools of fish, there are herds of wildebeests, so forth and so on. We wanna be with people that are like ourselves. And the reason why. Do you know the reason why?

In order to fit in.

To fit in. Yes. But it also does something. It does something, biology wise, is dopamine and serotonin that are. That help modulate the landscape. The dopamine is to go and get it. It's a simple amino acid that's up here in our neurotransmitters. And the serotonin is the. I got it. And when the dopamine is out there to go and get it, we're looking to be sated, satisfied, calm. And when we're like people that are like ourselves, our stress levels go down and we feel like we're going to survive.

So what does that mean? Even, like, if you're doing drugs or alcohol or does that mean in any kind of crowd you'll do anything to fit in? In any crowd?

That's actually a good question and a good point. I think it depends on the person and the core root of their character on whether they will do anything to fit in. I think there are a number of people that will do any and everything to fit in, even the things that are not good for them, even the things that destroy them. Can you think of anybody that you know that have. That has done things that really wasn't in their best health, but they did them anyway?

They were being destroyed because that was the way they felt comfortable and maybe not dealing with reality, but a coping mechanism.

It's about social acceptance along with that as well. I mean, other than the biology, it's also social acceptance. We feel better when we are appealing to or serving this thing that other people want, that maybe it's not good for us. You agree?

I do.

So how do you stop it? What are your thoughts?

Well, I think once it becomes an addiction, if you really want to stop, you get the proper help. But then you also need to start changing the people that you hang around.

So now you're going from doing something to fit in to something that becomes an addiction. So do you think trying to fit in or working to fit in can be something that is addictive itself?

Well, because all of a sudden it feels good and before you know it, you may be addicted, not realizing it and then wondering how you got there.

In the first place, searching for that feeling.

Yes.

I think that's a situation when people don't even know what they don't know. They don't realize. I think it comes over like a veil and they don't even realize that they have couched themselves into that sort of downward spiral, cyclical, destructive behavior because they're over serving. They do so much for so many.

Yes.

What about. Do you think they listen to any Janet Jackson, what have you done for me lately? Or do you think. Or do you think they listen to Michael Jackson? I'm talking about. Thank you. The man in the mirror.

Thanks Scott. Thanks Scott over there.

Thanks Mr. Engineer. So Mr. Director got us on that one. So what do you think?

I think all points are valid.

I think it becomes very dangerous when people try so hard to fit in.

But everyone does it every day. It doesn't matter.

They do, but they lose themselves when they do it. After a number of years of perpetual working so hard to fit in, wear the right clothes, put on the right makeup, buy the right shoes with the right labels, hanging out with so called right people, they constantly, perpetually are destroying themselves and they lose themselves.

Okay. And so talking about that, do you want to speak to Image a little bit?

I like that. Let's. Let's educate the podcasters out there. Fimmage is what I call fear of image. Fear, well you call it. So we learned that some years ago and people that go around with image Are people that are going around protecting the. Their image, their fear of image loss. So they do this thing called fimage and they do all these things that prop them up, that make them feel connected in a relationship. And actually it disconnects. It looks like someone's in the chat room, doesn't it?

Yes.

You read better than I and see better and look better than I do. You look good, girl.

I don't know about that. You look pretty good in that purple shirt today, Jess.

No, you're looking sexy. Like real good. Like real good.

All right.

I'm talking about. We need to stop the program in here.

There we go.

My feet are tapping. Can you feel me?

We have joyologists that says it's a great visual here.

Wow. That joyologist is coming all the way from New Zealand.

Stop it.

Stop it. This lady is a fine, fine lady and a wonderful speaker and an extraordinary trainer herself. Does some coaching as well. Has great radio programs in New Zealand. And she's on the line.

Wow. Yeah, we got her here.

We'll take a snapshot because I can't see it.

Well, do you want me to use the phone?

What do you want from me?

I could turn my screen around and you can look at it.

No, let's keep the program rolling. But let's say thank you to our joyologist, that is Pat Armistead in New Zealand. That's who that is.

Yes.

So let's give a woo hoo for Pat. Yeah. And for the Kiwis out there. Woo hoo.

Can't wait to see her soon.

And Sally Anderson too. Woo hoo.

Yes, Sally. She's another great.

She's a bright light.

She's a bright light.

So let's stay with this the least. Don't you think it destroys people from the inside out when they allow themselves to be stuck with over serving?

There is no doubt about it.

They're giving love in all the wrong places.

Yeah, right.

What happens to a life? I have a story I'd like to share. Or I'll ask you if you'd like to share a story of someone that you know of. Don't say their names. That maybe their life was destroyed because of this over serving mentality.

Oh, geez. If you've got a story to start with, why don't you start first?

I want to tell the Reader's digest version. There's a gentleman that I knew that. That I. Well, it was years ago and it was in another profession. I was. I was actually a marketing executive for the Bellagio at the time. And There was a gentleman that he had a wonderful life from the outside. He was actually quite wealthy materially, money wise and goodies wise and housing cars and boats and trains.

But was he happy?

No, actually, you know what? He was actually extremely depressed. He was very, very sad. And he had a hard time even fitting in with his own family.

Wow. Why do you think so?

Because he never found himself. He actually had eight adopted kids from babies. From babies.

That's crazy.

And he decided one day enough was enough. I remember him telling me when he was a little kid, I was out there visiting him. And he was in his 60s at the time. He said when he was a little kid, when the bus came to his stop and, and the doors open, he said he had to rip out those doors and he had to beat the crowd getting home if he could not outrun the crowd. And he was a pretty heavy kid.

So he was bullied.

So he was bullied and every single day. And he said if he didn't beat those kids home, he got beaten up every day. He was talking about his eight kids that he said they didn't really get at how hard he'd worked to become what he'd become. And he was very frustrated that he couldn't make connections with them. And anyway, one day something happened at one of the local casinos and he ended up being very hurt by that action. It was something disrespectful to him and his character in front of all of his friends. So in fact what happened is they told me he couldn't sit there at the game and play because it was reserved for someone else, but it wasn't true. And he tried to make his case and he couldn't make his case. Called over an executive, he still couldn't make his case. And then what ended up happening is it kicked him off the game and he said, that's the last time I'll be kicked off the game. Yeah, that's the last time I'll be embarrassed like this. That's the last time I. I'm going to try to fit in with anybody.

Wow.

So he asked a friend to take a picture of him at 9:00 at night. And he. And he swore that he would take the picture. And he went out in front of the Portico share and he took a gun and he took his life.

Wow.

Right there at. Well, it was a prominent hotel casino and he made sure all the logo stuff was in the background and he actually took his life because he was tired of trying to fit in.

So all of his life into what, 50s, 60s, 60s? He was bullied all of his life, and he was just tired of the racket. Right.

And whether he was bullied or not, he felt bullied. Was he really bullied when he got kicked off the game? Or was it. Did it feel like. I think it felt like when those kids ran him off the school bus. So that's some of the tragic consequences for people seeking to fit in. What do you say to people? What do we say to our podcasters? Whoa, look at this podcast thing blowing up. Lisa, we gotta pay attention.

Holy cow.

We got a little too into the conversation.

Okay.

This.

Yeah. Well, let me take it. We've got Sandra out there that says hi to both of you. Hello, Sandra.

Hello, Sandra.

And we've got a question here from the. From Joy. How does creating a person's.

How does creating a Persona, a Persona.

Put you at risk of losing yourself? For example, when I crafted Joyology and Joyologist, my entire hours were outward looking to build my entire focus. Thank you. Was outward looking to build profile and create a presence.

So her question is, what. Help us out, Director? What is her actual question? If you can discern it, because I want to answer it, or Lisa can answer, her actual question is how did. What did you say about a Persona?

How does creating a Persona put you at risk of losing yourself? For example, when I crafted Joyology, I got it. My entire focus was outwards.

Okay. I think what happens is you have to be very careful when you're creating a Persona, and that Persona is someone different than your actual real life personality. I have to be very, very careful to realize that when it's on, it's on, and when it's off, it's off. I think, Joy, if you're listening to this, I think when you're creating a Persona, you have to think of it as an extension of yourself. And I would also offer, create some authenticity inside of that Persona that you're creating that ties back to the core of who you are. And so some people create a Persona when they're looking to create an extravaganza, some type, or maybe they're looking to have a break in the show business or they're an author or a writer or some public figure where this Persona helps sell a product or helps, you know, help, you know, build a business or something of that nature. But when you're building a Persona, I would. My recommendation is do not let your Persona be something completely separated from who you are, because that way you always have the. The authenticity and the ability to Be true to yourself and that Persona. What do you think, Liz?

I. I agree.

Okay.

I totally agree. Well done.

So hopefully, Joy, if that answers the question question, let us know here in the chat room. If it doesn't, let me know because I'll get Lisa to create some new stuff. Lisa, create some new stuff.

Okay. Well, there's. There's so much chat going on here. I'm.

I bring it close to you, girl. There's a. I'm gonna do it too, because I can't see.

You know what I think I just realized?

I think we're showing our age. Are you over 50? I know I shouldn't ask. I'm sorry.

I didn't have a problem last week reading this stuff, but all of a sudden, one week later, I might have.

An issue here now, and your problem is leaking in on me. So let's see. We're good. We're good.

So she said that's absolutely what it has become. But the journey has been a very focused one.

It has. And so what that, what I say to you, Joy, out there is always 100%. At the end of the day, be true to yourself regardless of what Persona or Personas you are projecting. That way you don't lose yourself.

And she says, now I'm a walking reflection. So. Yes.

Listen, girlfriend, you know, is that an amen?

Amen, my brother.

Amen, my brother or my sister. Because it's a joyologist at the other end of New Zealand.

Yes, yes, yes. One more question from Sam. Sandra Fazio.

Okay.

My thoughts on over serving come from a place of inner lack, low self worth and perfectionism. Pleaser personality. I need to be liked and feel, validate validation from the external environment.

I liked. I get that. Well, what I'll say to that first is Sandra, on perfectionism. Let's get a real clear definition of what perfectionism is and what it is not. What are your thoughts, Lace? I can. I can go more. But what are your thoughts about that?

I think it's a deep subject that almost all of us suffer. And, you know, it goes back to the overserving. We're a perfectionist. And when do you call it good enough?

Right. And I think, I think people mistake what perfectionism is. I personally am a recovering perfectionist and an aspiring good enough. So I know where she's coming from. But those people that are entrenched in being a perfectionist, they think that it is a quality based perspective. It's not. It's a shame based perspective.

Mm.

And Brene Brown wrote an incredible book the gifts of imperfection that talks about what perfectionism is and what it is. It's a 20,000 ton shield that we walk around carrying it thinking it'll protect us, but it's the very thing that keeps us from taking flight. So let's, let's, let's get clear on what perfectionism is and what it is. And I thought it was, you know, when I, when I decided to be a perfectionist. I'm going to be the best athlete. I'm going to be a straight A student. I'm going to be the leader of the team. I'm going to, I'm going to be this and this and this and this and all that. I thought I was doing that from a quality based place. It was shame based. I was doing that because the environment that I grew in, I didn't look like anybody else in my environment and I desperately wanted to fit in even though I didn't know that. I didn't know that that's what was going on. So Sandra may be doing the same thing. She gives us a few more details about what that manifests. I can answer it at an even deeper level, but I would say get clear on what it is. It's not a quality based perspective, it's a shame based perspective.

And how long did you live with that?

Well, let's see. I would say I lived with that until I was 53 because I didn't really. Well, because I didn't get it until I found the intelligence in Brene Brown. And when she told me what it was and what it wasn't, my heart dropped to the table and I thought it's not shame based. And then I thought about how ashamed I felt to be in this skin in an environment where it was so rare that it was prevalent. And the truth was I was ashamed. And that's a shame that I was ashamed.

Yes, it is. Especially for more than half of your life.

And how about the fact that I didn't even know it? So get in touch with that Sandra. So thank you for that. That's a brilliant offering that she gave us.

She said they were her own thoughts on perfectionism and how I have come to view it for herself.

Well, perfectionism also plays into the overserving mentality as well. When you're perfectionist, you overserve, you do things to the N degree. Well, there's a theory, Sandra, if you're still listening and paying, you know, clocking in on this, it's called, There's a theory called Good enough. I learned this Theory from a young man out of Reno, Nevada who was just incredible, who came into Las Vegas for a visit. And he was watching me be this perfectionist, as Sandra is. And he says, you need to learn the theory of good enough. He says, the way you're doing things, you're never going to finish anything. I can see you want to do it to the highest, but you, you're perpetuating to such a degree and being fastidious and fussy to such a degree, you're never going to finish anything. So if you've got 25 things on the list, you look at those 25s, you make, you make a judgment call and an assessment of the highest level. Important. Let's say you take the top five. Well, maybe you put a little extra mustard on the top five. But the next 20, do your very best. And whatever you do is good enough. And my good enough and Sandra's good enough and you're good enough is probably better than most people when they're extraordinary outside of themselves.

When you discovered that, how long did it take you to have that become a habit?

It took me a nanosecond because it sounded so brilliant. I got the theory of good enough. That was the first night of full night of sleep that I had in my entire life after I accepted the good enough theory. All you have to do is accept it. It's that simple.

Very interesting.

It's that simple. I'd wake up at three, four in the morning with a problem. I'm looking to solve the problem. I created the problem. And when I didn't have the answer, I got bugged out about the problem. And so I'm going to say to you, Sandra, if you're watching us out there and listening to this, take a look at this perfectionism thing. Take a look at over serving, deal with understanding the theory of good enough. And that is what I want you to start to practice that theory. And that'll stop the overserving.

So she says, good enough for myself and not for the validation of others.

Exactly. Not just good enough for yourself, Sandra, but good enough for yourself for the circumstance, for the matter, for the situation. So it's, it's, I think it's a global good enough. It's not a singular good enough.

Yeah.

And other people don't matter. Only you matter. You matter most.

But going back again, I see this.

Thing popping some more.

So knowing self, knowing what's good for you, not what's good for somebody else.

Absolutely. What's good for you, Lisa? What's good for you and the situation and the circumstances, they all matter. I think it's a cyclical thing. I think it's a 360 game. You have to look at full round at all the key elements. You agree?

I do.

So let's talk about this. So with the over serving thing, how to blow it out, how do you actually blow out that needing to fit in? You tell me.

Well, I think that once you get comfortable in your own skin and you get to know self and you get to know what really matters most, then you become more comfortable in your own skin instead of looking for the approval of others.

I got that. Can you give me a bump? Can girls bump? That's it. Give me a girl bump. And blow it up. And blow it. Blow it up, blow it up. There we go. There it is. I like that. So first starts with self. I agree. The second thing. How about you choose the people you want to be around? We call it the village, right?

Yes, yes.

So the power of your village. So you choose the village wisely. That's the second part. Okay. What else do you think? You mentioned something earlier. It started with a D and it ended with level. What are you doing? A Scooby Doo? No, just say it. Deserve level.

Oh, the deserve level. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was a deserve level. You're right. That was the third thing. Right. And then you've got fourth. How about having an accountability partner to help you grow?

Oh my God.

Right.

So invaluable.

Right? We watch each other all the time and you call me on my stuff, right?

Then you call me online.

So number one. So, so the keys, There are four keys to helping you blow out that over serving and knowing what to do about number one, self. Like you mentioned, get real with self. Number two, your deserve level. Well, sorry, number three will be your deserve level. I skipped it. I can't count. So I'll go one. It doesn't have to be in any order, but we'll say number one, self, number two, village, number three, deserve level.

Right.

And then finally get an accountability part of that you trust that can help guide you when you're slipping back into the old default behavior.

Exactly.

You agree?

You really all of those things, you have to want it.

You do have to.

You have to want it.

You got to want it.

Or not one of the four means anything?

No, not at all. And so I think they have to be working in tandem with one another. You agree?

Oh, absolutely.

What about when you were little, when you were a young person, didn't you have A story about when you were a young person trying to fit in. And you may not want to say all the things you did, but what happened with that experience?

You know, it was that middle high school. Not high school, middle school. And there was a beautiful blonde girl, and all the guys loved her. And I wasn't in that beautiful blonde girl.

Wasn't you?

I was fat and chubby in middle school, but cute.

But go ahead.

So, you know, I thought, what do I need to do to fit in with her?

Right.

So I finally got her in her inner circle, and my mom went grocery shopping one day, and she was on one in the grocery store on that side. And we were in Kmart, of all places.

Wow.

And she said, hey, I dare you to steal this flash cube. Okay, now I'm really dating myself.

And you wanted to fit in, and.

I wanted to fit in. So I took that package of flash cubes, and I opened it up, and I just took one flash cube, and I put the other ones back on the counter because I didn't really want to steal. But right behind me was a cop, flashed his badge, took me down to. To jail. I was a kid. I mean, I'm a kid. I'm 12, 13 years old, but I will never forget it.

And all that was to fit in?

Absolutely.

And what did that teach you?

To not hang around the wrong people. And I got in a lot of trouble.

It was the wrong village.

I was grounded for a long time.

But even weren't you out of alignment? That wasn't who you were stealing like that anyway?

Absolutely.

Didn't you know immediately that you were out of alignment?

Yes. It did not feel good. And I thought, I'm doing this to fit in. And it feels so wrong. Is it really right?

No, it never was. But you learn that.

Oh, my God.

You know what they say. Sometimes in life, sometimes you win, and sometimes you learn the lesson. Yeah. And that's what you did. So I like that. That's a really good share. Well, with that being said, I think that that's a good topper to. To just hit some highlights. What are some of the takeaways from this conversation? I think this has been an empowering conversation about fitting in. Why. Fitting in.

Why people do it over serving.

And let's don't ignore our chat room can. Let's take a look to see. To make sure that.

Yes. Okay.

If anyone said anything else they want us to speak to before as we're closing and wrapping it up.

Joy says, courage required to stand in your space.

I Love that courage. Is she talking about your situation? I love that courage required to stand in your space. You tell her that I'm going to pay her. I want to pay her by the word. She's good. There we go. So while you, while you do that, while you say that to her, I'm going to say my takeaway from this conversation so far has been, you know, get real, get with self and follow your intuition, and you do what you feel is right, not what other people compel you to do.

And you know that within yourself, whether it's, whether you're in alignment, whether you're doing the right thing or you're doing the wrong thing. If you just get quiet enough, you sit with yourself for, I don't know, meditate and take 30 minutes a day. Get with yourself and those answers will come to you through the subconscious mind.

I totally agree with that. And also take a look at the relationships and the true nature. Tell the truth about the relationships that you're in or not in.

And are they serving me? And if not, you gotta, you gotta let them go.

And if you're over serving them, ask yourself why and when are you gonna knock it off?

Yeah.

And maybe those are not the relationships for you.

Absolutely.

I'm just gonna say, well, let's talk about, let's take a look and see what do we have coming up? Because I know we have just a couple minutes left on the podcast and the conversations that we want to talk about in the future I think is something we should share right now, don't you think?

Go for it.

How about we talk about, what do you think for next time? How about we use color your world like the color code personality assessment where people learn what the distinctions of their characters are based on a 20, 25 minute assessment that they take and it can reshape the entire world. Why don't we do a podcast on that? What do you think?

Well, it kind of goes hand in hand with what we talked about today because in order to learn about anything in life, you've got to understand yourself in order to move forward.

Yeah, you do. So in other words, the, the code from Color Code says when you get.

Yourself, you get others.

I like that. So when you get yourself, you get others. That'll be the next podcast that we'll do next week. And I think that'll be something that gives people an extension of what we talked about here, but at a deeper level. We'll do a little do. We'll do a bit of a deep dive and maybe we'll bring a couple profiles on.

Well, and also if there's anyone else out there for any future podcast conversation, please feel free to go into the live chat room and send us some topics that you think would be ones you'd like to hear about and learn more about.

I like that. And you can send email as well.

Absolutely. That would be@feelingsesthoc.com which should be on the bottom of the screen right now.

Very, very good. Let me ask you this. What is your number one takeaway from this conversation? By the way, you've been bad to the bone during the conversation. I just want to say that bad to the bone.

Don'T over serve. I like the perfectionist perfectionism thing too, though. There's. Those are like.

It resonated with you.

Very close for me.

What about the theory of good enough?

Well said. I mean, I didn't mean to put.

Words in your mouth.

No, it puts it all into perspective, right? Truly. What's your takeaway?

Well, I think, like I said, my takeaway is that we're. We're talking about a subject in terms of our conversations topic that so many people are heavily weighted down by, and they don't even know that. They don't know that that is what's causing the negativity and the disconnection and the misalignment in their lives. So perhaps this conversation can be one that helps people. Countless people out there that we may never meet. That's what I like about it.

I always want to change lives, even if it's one life at a time. But one to many is. Is preferred.

Well, in closing, let's say this. I really like that one too many is preferred. So let's play the one to many game. I think it'd be a great time to challenge the podcasting world that are listening to this right now to create empowering conversations just like this they can do right there with their student body, their friends and family connection in their village. You have one more in the final minute. One more question or comment or whatever.

Oh, one minute. Will Edwards, what about when you have a project or something that's going on? I just want to make it better and better.

That is fine, but there's still the theory of good enough. And Will Edwards, you are a supreme perfectionist. And that's a sidebar. You need to hook a brother up for a coaching session for that because we have to close the podcast and ain't gonna be enough time.

Here we go.

Exactly.

So what we squeezed in under underneath the table.

We did so you know what? So let's challenge our podcast world to go out there and create some power in conversations and to stay in touch and to keep tuning in, because we know that at the end of the day, it's all about how you leave them feeling. How you leave them feeling. So till next Thursday at 5pm Pacific time, go out there and make your world a great world and color it. And color your world.

There you go.

I like it.

That's the cliffhanger for next week.

Give me another bump, girl.

Bam.

Sa.