"Fatherless Daughters"

Welcome to our Brothers in Conversation podcast, powered by Jesse and Shondell. Shondell, you are from Bed Stuy do or Die Brooklyn.

That little town.

That's a little town that's nothing like Hawthorne, Nevada, population 5,000 cats and dogs. This is going to be a wonderful morning. I'm going to do normal protocol to get us started here, obviously. Welcome to Brothers of Conversation, and it is powered by Jesse Ann Shondell. Exactly. He knows his place in his lane.

I do.

So what we're gonna do, this is actually gonna be fatherless daughters is the main topic today and this July 16, 2020 episode, number 29. And we have an incredibly awesome special guest with us. Special guest, obviously, is Alexis Levi. And great story with you, the CEO of Sports Entertainment Group. And I want to say you did not get there overnight. So tell us what is, if you can, what are the biggest challenges in terms of that incredible professional athletic background that you have versus that professional business hat that you're wearing? You're probably wearing five or six or.

Eight or ten hats sometimes. Yes, I am.

Right. Just to have a feeling. So as you think about where you sit today and what it took to get you here, would you say some of the were more the challenge on the athletic side or were they on the professional side?

On the athletic side, of course.

Tell us why.

I mean, business. Business. You know, I don't know what it is. God bless me, I can do business with my eyes closed.

Right.

And so I've been doing that for a long time. I mean, I worked in Silicon Valley for seven years with Jesse Jackson. I've done all kinds of stuff in my life, and it's probably lack of fear, just walking through the door and making it happen. And so that side, to me, was easy. When I decided to move from California to Las Vegas, that was a huge step for me. One because I didn't know a lot of people here. Right. So it was like recreating myself. And it was kind of fun. I actually enjoyed it. And then getting into sports, which was crazy because obviously I was the first woman to do what I did in the men's sports. So I was the CEO and general manager and owner of a basketball team.

That's a big deal. That's a big deal. Round of applause right there. Shondell.

Thank you. Thank you.

So what gave you the motivation or the inclination to even take on something like that, being a CEO of a professional?

Well, my friends think I'm crazy. You know, I'm kind of like that person that challenges myself over and over and over again. And I think, you know, stemming from the title of this show, I had a really strong dad. And so I think in my heart of hearts, I'm always trying to prove to him that the seeds that he did plant in me are seeds that I'm still, you know, reoccurring every day, every year.

You had a really strong father and he had what impact on you? Because this leads right into our main topic.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, definitely. Well, one, I'll give you two seconds or less about my dad. He was a sixth grade education. There was 10 kids in the family. He quit to help take care of the family. He became a mechanic on naval planes. And then he opened up 10 auto body shops. Kind of like me, just kind of doing stuff.

10 auto body shops.

10 auto body shops. He was very successful. And then he loved sports. That's where I get my sports from. He loves sports. And so he was a facility manager for the Oakland Coliseum, which is now, everybody knows it as the Oracle arena in the Bay Area.

Wow. What do you think of that, Shondell?

You know what? That's pretty amazing. You know, that's a lot of things that sometimes, you know, it's hard for us to appreciate what our fathers, what they're doing until we get much older, we start going, wow, he did that and he did that and he did that, right? Yeah, that's pretty amazing. I think it's pretty amazing.

Wow.

I do too. So great influence. What influence? Before we slide into our big, big jump into our topic. So that's the influence your father had. What influence did your mother have on you?

My mother was the one that put the girly side to me because most people ask me, they go, how do you love sports so much? It's like you're a guy in one respect, but you're a girly girl in the other respect. So my mom told me how to act like a lady, how to present myself. She also was very outgoing, involved in a lot of organizations. You know, made her mark. And, you know, I grew up in an interesting situation. My last name is Levi, which is Jewish. My father was a black Jew. Okay. His father was Jewish, Jewish. And then my mom was Catholic. So it was kind of like I was jumbled up in one. In one thing.

Yeah.

You gotta look at you, boy. You, like, got all these different things going on.

That's crazy, right?

She's a Molotov cocktail. Sh. She's a Molotov cocktail. That's what she is. So. Okay.

So told that before so, okay, so.

I thought I. I thought I had it bad. I got, you know, my father was like this Black Panther street dude, and my mom was this devouted Christian. So I was, like, all over the place.

Okay, right.

So look at. Look at. Okay, so happened to you.

So Chandel had the Black Panther father and the Christian mother.

Right?

Right. And. And you had the father that was black in nature but Jewish in background.

Right, Right.

And your mother was.

She was Catholic.

She was Catholic. Okay.

Yeah. And she, you know, so. So was a tough woman.

So you look. She was a little.

Little woman.

Right. And you look at these three faces, and that's another thing. Do not judge a book by its cover.

Right.

That's right.

Do not roll up on someone and think. Because you can look at them, size them up, whether they're white, brown, black, yellow, whatever they are. Don't think you can look at them and size them up. Who would have known, looking at the three of us, that two thirds of us on this call have heavy German or Jewish influence? Because even though I have dark skin, my role model and mentor for the hospitality industry is Larry Lewin. Very Jewish. His father has the marks on his arms from Auschwitz. That's how Jewish he is.

So.

And that's been a lot of my. That is my professional influence.

But we. We always talk about this. And this is something that we really have to think about when we're having these discussions, Jess, because everybody has said this. Even I remember. Vital. Great. Oh, man. Just a very, very diverse background.

Very.

This is what I'm telling people when they talk about black lives and black people. I am telling people, again, think about. This is. The continent of Africa is probably one of the most diverse continents. People want to make us monolithic. They want to put us in a box. And that's why I always say, there is no box. There is no box for us. Because in what you're saying right now, remember, it was a Jewish guy that influenced my father when he was in Vietnam. They kept each other up, right? So there's. There are connections in so many different ways that we have to understand what true diversity means. Diversity of thought came from this guy telling my father, hey, let's go back when we get back to the United States, not knowing if they coming back.

Right.

When we get back to the United States, let's figure out how we do better for our families. Let's get a brownstone. Let's get this. Let's get that. My father never thought like that until he talked to that guy.

Well, now See, this is amazing, because take a look at this. What Shondel's saying and what you're saying as well, Alexis, is so spot on. We cannot be stuck in judging a book by its cover. There can be so much more that people have. And he talked about vital. Germain Vital. You look at him, most people that would look at him would think he's a black man, very light fair skin, dreadlocks. And then they would judge his dreadlocks, too. By the way, he's a very intelligent guy, and quite frankly, I'm not sure if he's listening or whatever. He can. He can check me up later. I think that French might have been his first language, not second language. Yes, but he speaks French very, very fluently. But when he speaks English, you would never know that he spoke. Speaks French because he actually has a British accent. So here you got. You got a soul brother with dreadlocks. French is his first language. He sounds British. One parent is white and one parent is black. And look at the mixture and combination. It's amazing. He's an amazing presence. And when he speaks, if you're in a conversation with him, you get there's far more to it than what meets the eye.

Yeah, well, same thing for me, Jaz. You know what? I don't speak Brooklyn. I've never got the Brooklyn language. Now, yo, forget about it. You know, I don't know how to talk like that.

You know, Brooklyn's gonna call you out on that one, too. So fatherless daughters. Let's get into that. Let me. Let me lay down a couple. I did a little bit of. And then I want to go personal with you, but check out just a couple points, and, you know, Shondale can certainly win. But, Alexis, I can't wait to hear your thoughts. Number one, the first piece that I pulled up in some research for this was. Let's see. The U.S. department of Education study found that 39% of students 1st through 12th grade are fatherless. 39%. Check this out. Father absence crisis in America. According to the U.S. census Bureau, 19.7 million children, more than 1 in 4, live without a father in the home. Before I go through any more stats, just weigh in on that, if you will. That's got to resonate with you.

Oh, it does. Because, you know, you need both parents. I mean, you really do, to be whole. You know, your whole doesn't come from another person. It comes from your parents. I see every day remnants of my father and remnants of my mother.

Right.

You know, and I hear certain things they told me over the years that made me who I am today. Like my. I'll give you, for instance, my father told me, don't let the fact that I'm African American or woman stand in my way ever.

Right.

And every time I walk in a corporate door, I remember that. And it allows me to go in there and knock it out the park and make it happen. Now, he passed away when I was 10 years old.

Right.

So I'll tell you, I'm over 50. So that's a long.

You don't look it. You're looking good.

You're looking good to resonate. Right. That's a long time for his voice to have impact on my life.

Wow.

Okay, so. So when you tell me the statistics about currently how many homes are missing one or both parents, especially for girls. And I, and I, and I say for boys too, because I have two sons, one son's father is in his life. The other son's father has now passed away. So it does impact the men. But as you hear out there, you know, the woman becomes a woman because her father kind of issued her into a rites of passage telling her how to conduct herself or how to judge people, men especially, how they treat her.

Wow.

Can I give you a round of applause?

Yes.

I just want to say that most people would use that to play the victim. And I'm really happy to hear you talk in such reverence about your father and what he instilled in you because most people would say, you know, my father passed away at this age and you know what? That stopped me from growing. Now also just want to add to that statistic because remember, 78% of the black households don't have fathers in them. So it goes even beyond, even deeper. It goes deeper than that.

Yeah.

It is really a more daunting statistic in black household.

Well, and I want to, I want to get into Alexis and what was. How this was hit you personally. But before I do that, I want to say that, and maybe it's too early for this, but that's okay. We'll kick it to the curb if it's too early. But when people find them, when young folks, whatever age is, whether they're early teens, mid teens, early adult, or even a 10 year old, when they find themselves in a situation, a fatherless situation. So that's the nature of our conversation. What can we offer them? If they're listening or parents of them or friends of them are listening, what can we offer those young folks coming up to do something to mitigate the gap, the missing of that. What can they do while they're young? Not after they. Not after they.

Yeah, no, it's not too early. At 10 years old, they know what's going on. I will tell you that. And even later in life, they know what's going on. Even this little girl who just lost her father, George Floyd, she knows what's going on. She may not understand everything, but I always tell people, parents especially, talk to your kids. My. My situation was a little different. My mom was so distraught that everybody focused on her. She was suicidal. And, I mean, it was bad.

Wow.

And so because of that, I kind of got lost in the shuffle and I had to figure it out myself.

That's big. From what it. What age did you have to start figuring it out for yourself?

Try 11 years old.

Wow.

Wow.

So it made me grow up really quickly.

Right.

Because I started looking around and trying to figure out what the world was like. And I would see other kids with their fathers. I blame myself. I thought I did something wrong.

Right, of course.

Why God took my father away and didn't take another person's father away. So I didn't understand any of this. I'm going to be on Totally Transparent on your show. I didn't really understand this until I was out of college.

Wow.

And now, what age did your father leave your life? What age did your father leave your life?

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.

How old were you when your father left your life?

10.

You were 10.

So I would say good eight to 10 years. I was kind of existing in life, doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing, but didn't really understand certain things that were back when I was, say, 10 to 13.

But did. Did your mother have any conversation with you on his departure as to. Okay, baby girl, blah, blah, blah.

They did. But let me give you a scenario. I, as a little girl, go to school. I come home. My daddy comes home from work. He kisses me good night, and when I wake up, he's in a coma.

Okay.

Wow.

So there was. There was no. It was so quick.

Right?

There was no real conversation. The last thing I recollect is going in ICU and holding his hand. And that was the only time he responded. He grabbed my hand right while he was in the coma, and he passed away about an hour later.

Wow, that's heavy. Now, did your mother have conversation with you, following this about anything regarding father not being there?

I grew up in an era, and I don't know if you grew up in this era, parents sometimes didn't talk to their kids. They just kind of said, I'll deal with it. It's going to be okay, baby. What do you. They. She started giving me stuff because we were, you know, financially successful in our family, so she started giving me things thinking that that would suffice.

You had very little conversation.

You had very little conversation. Yes, just God took him because, you know, he was a great man and he needed him in heaven. That was pretty much what was said to him.

That's pretty huge. Now, Shonda, I want to weigh in on this. I'd like. If you. Would you like to weigh in on her response? I'd like to hear your thoughts about Alexis response about the fact that little, little girl, 10, 11 years old, tragic situation happens. And literally, even if she's not sitting with a therapist, you know, literally no adults, no disrespect to mother because mother was doing the best that she knew how. Okay. Okay. So. So no, no adult dialogue about how to help Alexis deal with. What are your thoughts about that? Not to.

You know what? I, that's why I gave her an applause, because I'll tell you, I saw it a lot. Growing up in New York City, growing up in Brook, I saw a lot where this fatherless situation, some of it was death, right. Some of it was incarceration, some of it was just flat out a father leaving. So it was very, very prevalent in our community where people didn't have their fathers around. And so especially I saw with young girls, and a lot of young girls were totally lost. And just like she said, even in those situations, the mother is so distraught, the mother is so lost, the mother is having so many challenges of their own that the child gets lost in that whole situation. So going to school with a lot of these young women, and here's the tragedy of it, is that a lot of times, fortunately, in this case, you could come out of and really, really change the way things change the trajectory. Right. And. But in most cases, what I've seen is most of these women have been lost for decades, like, and still lost. Still lost in that hole or that void in their life.

Yes. As a result of not having folks surrounding them to help them deal with the difficulties and, and the missing and the tragedy and help them understand that it is not you, it is not your fault. And yes, your father is not here, but here are the dynamics that we're going to help you with and test to make sure that's working for you for your constant, never ending improvement and development. On the fact that that missing is acknowledged and spoken to.

Right?

Yes. But that's why, Jess, when I. When I. When. When I became a teenage father, that's why I refuse to be that vacant father.

Right.

That's why I refuse to walk away situation. Because I thought that I saw this happening to all of my friends, and I said, that is a shame. These other guys were saying, well, man, that's her problem to deal with. I was like, no, because look at what's happening in our society is these. These folks are not having their fathers in their life. And I didn't want to be that father.

No. That's really good. That's really good. Well, Alexis, I want you to weigh in, if you will, on what Chandelle said then. I like to weigh in on from still as a perspective of what you've shared so far. Yeah.

Well, I commend them because I don't care if it's a boy or girl. You know, at the end of the day, parents need to stay together if they can. Or like, in my situation, it caused me to marry several times.

Oh, I'm sure.

Because I was never happy with the person. 100%.

Right.

I was, because I had this dad that I put on this pedestal. And when you do that, unfortunately, and then the man leaves, and it just hurts the children. So one of the things that I tried to do through my life is to make sure that I was there, make sure that I instilled, you know, great things to the kids, supported them and stuff like that. Just like Chandelle, because if you're. If you walk away, you know, chances are that child is going to end up in jail or crazy on drugs. I mean, all kinds of stuff.

No, that's true. And I would say this, too, now. I didn't grow up with the circumstance that you did. Those are really dire circumstances. But in the home, my mother and father were present as I was growing up in the home, like, they physically were there. Let me change my terminology. They were physically there. My mother, though, sweetheart of a lady. I'm not gonna beat up on my parents. I learned more from them than anybody else. But my mother was a gambleholic, so she spent a lot of time in the casino. And my father was really into women, so he spent a lot of time outside of the home.

Okay.

I decided, and I say this only. I only share this to say to people that are listening as possibilities for their children or children that they know in similar circumstances. And just because your father either, you know, left the parents or left the wife at, you know, age 2, 3, 4, 5, or left the earth. Sometimes you can live in a home with mother and father physically there, but not really there. So for me. So for me, I chose to create relationships and connections outside of my home to replace what I wasn't getting at home. So the things that I got at home, like a roof over my head and food to eat, I was appreciative for the things that I needed in terms of nature nurturing. I got it from the Del portals, I got it from the Blunts. I got it from the Essen prices. I got it from the Ludwigs. And I cherished that. And so I asked for and allowed them to feed me what I wasn't being fed at home.

Right.

So you would never know that my father was largely absent. Plus he was a firefighter. So he was gone 24 hours out of the day, and then he get full 24 hours back home when he was out doing his thing, then 24 hours back at work again.

Yes.

So just because both parents are physically in the space that you're growing up, doesn't mean they're there. Tell me what you think about that.

Well, you know, like you, I think, and like, I'm sure a lot of the listeners, you do have to find your place. You have to find what makes you happy. Because at the end of the day, you know, once the father is gone, he's gone. You can love him, the past and all that, or the mom or whatever the case is, but then you grow up and you start putting things in place to make you happy and successful. And if you have children, then you make them happy, successful. And like you said, you found other people to be mentors, to be supporters. I mean, there's people out there that don't have any kids that would love to support or love to seed into. I had a couple of mentors along the way, women that were business women, because that's where I wanted to go. I was a nurse for 14 years. That's not really what I wanted to do. My mom said, find a career. You know, people find a career that, you know, you can be successful or you can make money for the rest of your life or have a job. Well, my dad was an entrepreneur, so that, you know, that sort of lead me to mentors that were in that arena. So what you did was the thing that I think made your. Your hemisphere strong. And I think that that's what you have to do. You can't, like Shondell was saying earlier, you can't get into a pity party. I mean, I can't, you know, that would hurt me if I wallow in pain. But if I can find in my happy space, you know, or find a space that I woo saw or whatever, then I can go forward, make decisions, build my own legacy for my own children, and be as strong as I can be.

Exactly. Exactly.

I don't know that I mute you kicking your survival skills. Right. You start to. You start thinking about, okay, I have this at home, like you said, my father was there, my mother was there, but my father was kicking it in the streets. My mother was in the church. And this is another thing people don't realize is like, they think, okay, your parents are in the church. Whether. And you always hear about preachers kids. Right. The challenge is, is that you have a lot of times with preachers kids is that the pastor and the preacher and the first lady are so busy working on their ministries that they forget about their own kids. So that, that, in my case, that was a lot what happened a lot of times, like, my mom was busy helping other kids and helping other families and helping homeless families and all of that where we were left on the sideline. And again, not being judgmental and not really criticizing, but that's what they knew what to do as parents. And so I looked outside of my home for a guy who was an entrepreneur who taught me what I know today and looked at other people as you role models and folks. And we talked about this like, I spent five years in Vermont in my summers, and I was on a farm.

Yeah.

So again, going back to judging a book by its cover. But guess what? A farm taught me hard work. It taught me how to get up early and get started early. Like, you know, I get up early and I get started early all the time. But I've been doing that Since I was 8 years old on that farm. So I think a lot of things that we look at, and one of the things that I know, I talk to Dinesha Mingo all the time. She's. She's like one of my adopted daughters. Right. But she, she talks about self actualization, and I think that's one of the keys. And you talk about it a lot too, Jess. Self actualization, like understanding yourself, understanding the power within you, and coming to that point where you understand your purpose. And I think that's the challenge for most people is when you, when you talk about not having a mother, not having a father, not having people in your lives, you're searching for something. And I agree with you that you start measuring folks based on, you know, your experiences and the things that you have with your parents. And I know my daughter. I tell you, Tiara's probably watching this too, because Tiara will tell you she measured every man based on her dad. Like, she was like, my dad did this and my dad did that, so why can't you do that? I'm like, that's totally unfair. But she's like, that's who I know.

Right?

And that does happen. And that influences comes from both, you know, children, from the parent, from both sides of their parents, for sure. But something that you both said that I wrote a quick note down was, here's what a lot of people don't get. You're saying it, but. And I know they're hearing it, but I don't know that everybody gets this, especially during the time people that grew up without a father. So because this is our subject for.

Today.

Even if the father was in their lives growing up, I don't believe that it was intended to get everything from your parents. I think you're supposed to get it from a teacher. You're supposed to get it from a role model. You're supposed to get it from a mentor. You're supposed to get it from a friend. You're supposed to learn something from your best friend's mother or your best friend's father. I think it's a potpourri of development, and we're all walking amalgamations of self from what we've gained from all over the place. The problem is when you do not have that father. So you say you're a fatherless daughter.

Yes.

You don't re. Even though you may be doing all of what I just said, you still feel like something's missing.

Oh, and.

And the reason why, at the base level, in my opinion, the root level, is because you don't fit in with all the other kids that have both of their parents that have their fathers. You see? So you're seeking to fit in in an impossible situation. He is not here, and you don't know how to reconcile that. So even though you may be doing all the stuff we just said, we need to get to that little gap that helps them understand that they. They don't have to hustle to fit in, to have everything that everyone else has. They can fit in with just what they bring.

Right.

What do you think of that, Alexis?

You know, it's funny that you should say that. When I was younger, as I was going through school and getting into high school, and into college and stuff like that. It started to feel normal. I started to feel normal. I was doing everything everybody else was doing. I was a cheerleader, I was this. I was. Played sports. I did all the things that all the other kids. When it hits you is when there's a father daughter dance, oh, and you can't go. Or there's like for me, when I became engaged to get married, my dad couldn't walk me down the aisle. His best friend had to walk him down me down the aisle, which I was appreciative. But it wasn't the same. Right. But I didn't. Like I said, I didn't wallow in self pity. I realized what it was, pulled my bootstraps up and kept it moving. But in my heart of hearts, I know that it has affected me from the time I was young to the time I'm in my 50s.

Right. Right.

And unfortunately, as you were saying Shondell about your daughter, when you have a great dad, what you measure is a great person. And they were good to you. And there was no negatives or things that you can call them that was negative. It is hard because you will measure every man that comes in your life that may love you to death, but you'll measure them by your dad's success. You'll measure them by your dad's personality. Or like I was telling somebody the other day, I'm a hard worker. My dad was the hard worker. If I run into a male that's not a hard worker, it's really hard for me to appreciate him as the person he is.

Right.

I measure him against those, you know, those high ladders that he set just like you, Sundown. So I mean, you know, I think you learn to, in answer to Jesse, you learn to deal with it. You learn to like, create other scenarios for yourself. But in the back of your mind, like I said, you asked me, how am I so crazy and why do I keep doing things and building things and moving things? I think I'm always seeking his approval, even though he can't come back and say, I approve.

Fair enough. And thank you for that because a lot of listeners and people watching the program are listening. That's going to be very powerful because people that resonates because that's really what's happening. And I would say to those listening or watching this or sharing this information, listen to what Alexis is saying here.

And.

But I really believe that there's got to be something that can help mitigate all of that. And what I would say to that is this. And I wrote a quick note as I was listening to you. Okay, what if we taught Alexis at age 11? Try me out. I may fail with this. I hope I don't, I hope I don't. Shondell will save me if I do. But, but let's take, let's go back to Alexis. 11. Okay, what if, what if. Let's assume that I was a person in your life. I wasn't. I didn't have a title, but I was a person in your life. What if I taught you how to embrace a surrogate? Okay. When, when there's a father daughter dance and your father's not here, what if I were to offer you a very proud and powerful and an energetic, exciting surrogate or stand in or father figure and this person served that role. And even though with your beautiful olive, lovely skin, this guy was shiny white with blue eyes, but he was your father, daughter and he loved you and cared about you and he was happy to stand in, excited that you chose him. What if we chose meaningful, powerful surrogates and stand in and father figures? Would that have any value for a little 11 year old? What if you grew up with that from 11 year old to now 50 plus? Would that have made a difference, do you think?

Yeah, it definitely would. It definitely would. Because, you know, along the way I did have that person. White, black, green, yellow, it didn't matter. Was just somebody that wanted to seat into me or spend some time or read with me or you know, take me skating or supporting some of my sports, you know, endeavors as a kid or even life endeavors as I got older. You know, you, you do have those people and it does make a difference. If I didn't have those people, Lord knows where I would have been.

Right. So are you saying there's still a missing even with those people?

It's not a missing anymore.

Nice.

I don't miss, you know, it, but I still cherish it.

Okay.

I cherish the relationship I had and what my father taught me. But I also appreciate like, I mean, one of my mentors when I worked for him was Jesse Jackson. And some people have their thoughts. Yay. Nay, we like them, we don't like them, whatever. But one of the reasons why I think I grind so hard sometimes is because I saw this man get up at 4 in the morning talking to people across the country, getting death threats, getting, I mean, in the midst of all the mayhem, he was still going. And that meant something to me. And when he would sit at my desk and put his feet up and we talk. You know, just Jesse and Alexis. It was a great conversation. You know, it was weird because I knew I was supposed to do something in this life. I just did. I told my mom that at a very young age. I said, I don't know, but I feel like there's something inside of here that I'm supposed to do. Well, when you meet people like that along the way that have achieved, you know, things in, it pulls you forward, right?

Yeah.

Then you meet the guy that's just the guy from church that is, you know, taking kids to camp or whatever. It doesn't matter. The hierarchy, just somebody that seeds into you. It does make a difference.

Good, good.

Very.

Difficult. Yeah. When you're left by yourself, it's difficult.

Fair enough. Go ahead, Shondell.

I think it's a great point, Alexis, because like she was saying, you know, there's so many people that you intersect with. And I met Jesse Jackson years ago when he came to the 100 Academy. Met like, you know, and you meet people like John Lewis and folks like that, and you always, even if you just meet them and talk to them, you can see that they are planting seeds in other people for the next generation. And I think, you know, a part of it too. I bet, Alexis. And you tell me if this is true, that once you meet a person, an iconic person like that, and that person has really gone through all of those things and they share those things with you and, you know, you talk to him, you talk to John Lewis, you talk to General Powell, Colin Powell, you talk to folks like that who I feel like have really, really gone through some stuff, Right?

Yes.

They almost put a sense of responsibility on you if you really care. It's like a sense. Okay, don't, you know, don't, don't. Don't sit here and not feel like you have a responsibility to other people to plant the same seeds that they planted in you, whether it's for a minute, whether it's for a long term period, whether it's the beacon in your church. So when I go to church and I'm a youth teacher in our church, I make sure that I try my best to impart that same wisdom that other people put into me. There was a guy here in Vegas, Reverend Scott, when I, you know, because also what we don't talk about, Jess, is I moved to Vegas when I was 18 years old. Right. 3,000 miles from my parents. So I'm in the military. I need other people to instill something into Shondale. Right. So there was a reverend. There was a Reverend Scott who passed away, but he was the guy who kept drilling into me. A young man, you need to do this. Hey, young man, you need to do this. You need to think like that. And I think it's important to note that people who are listening or watching this, you have to allow those people to impart that in you. If you trust them, if you know they're a good person, allow that to fester. Allow that to grow in you so that you can become the best you that you want to be.

Right. That's well said. Well said, Shonda. And it's not. It's not that it is a perfect fix for the loss of a father. What it is, is. Are. Are anecdotes for your development. They're pieces for your development. That's what that is. So. Right.

Yeah.

Right.

Right.

And, Jesse, you do get to a point in life where you figure it out. I mean, this doesn't. This question mark doesn't go on forever.

No, no, no, no, no, no. That's not true. You got to a point where you figured it out. I think a lot of people, Alexis, I think a lot of people don't figure out. I know some cases right now, and I won't tell whole stories because I don't want to get in trouble for not having permission. But. But I know. I know women. I know some women that are in their 40s.

Yeah.

And still weeping about not knowing who their father was and still.

See, that's a little different, though. Not knowing is different. See, I knew.

Okay, but fair enough. Good point.

I could imagine not knowing it all. I mean, even the small time.

That's a good point.

With something but not knowing. And that's kind of why I wanted to come on you guys on your show, because I feel like I'm getting to the part of my life where I'm sort of understanding how to mentor women, how to talk to women, how to help them over the hill.

Right.

And I, you know, I believe that, you know, too much is given, as Lydia says all the time. Much is given, much is required. And just because I do what I do in business doesn't mean that my experiences aren't there, good and bad, to help other women and other people.

No. Well said. And good distinction between never knowing your father and growing up without a father. Those are two really different dynamics. So. That's true. Well, let me read a couple more statistics and let you weigh in, and then we'll pop over Shondell. How about this? Daughters of Absent fathers are more prone to depression. One point, another point. If they don't deal with the cause of their sadness, an absent dad, they may never be able to develop healthy relationships with men. Go ahead. Is that spot on?

I fall in that category. I'll tell you. I had a really. And we don't want to get into the whole story, but I was very sick at one time. I went into a coma. I had an accident and so forth and so on. And I didn't know that things affected me so bad because I didn't go to counseling.

Right.

Okay. I mean, you know, I'm like, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm still that way. Right. I went to a counselor who was dealing, helping me deal with this stuff, and she tapped into something, and I just cried for an hour.

Wow.

And I mean, I just boohooed. I never booed like that. Right. I just cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried. And I knew right then that she had healed me because it was something in the bottom of pit of my stomach that wasn't allowing me to succeed, succeed as much as I could, or go forward in life or allow people to love me because I was too. I was too hurt, too worried they're gonna hurt me.

Wow.

Yeah.

They're gonna leave or they're gonna leave. Yeah, leave anyway. So I'm gonna drive you away.

Yes.

Yeah.

I, I, in my, in my studies, I saw that as well too. So people need to hear that last thing that you just said. Yo, you're gonna leave anyway, so I might as well just drive you out. It's very difficult for them to maintain sustainable relationships because they have what I call a false limiting belief.

Oh, yeah.

It's a false limiting belief. It's not true.

Nobody's perfect.

No, no.

I did have to get to that point. I mean, you know, you look when you lose a dad, or you don't know the dad you put this thought of, you paint the picture, right. Of who you thought this person was or what impact or who they would have been if you would have met them, and then you kind of hold on to that. That's your sacred place. Right. So when you're holding on to that, you know, a nice guy may come up and love you and be there for you and be supportive and be a great husband, but you don't allow him to really do it because you're controlling the situation. You're not letting them in so far.

And you don't realize most of Them don't even realize that mechanism you're controlling the situation is what is the decline of that relationship? Oh, yeah, because it is. Anyone, for the most part, not absolute, that is fully in control of their relationship, be it man or woman, they don't realize they're setting that relationship up for failure. It is a give and take. It is a pros and cons. It is an 80, 20, 20, 80, 50, 50, 40, 60. You know what I'm saying? My point is it's like a pendulum. It's all over the place. And you have to allow the flow of that. If you're controlling that, then you're constricting its development.

So, Jess, we got some questions coming up here, and I don't know if Lisa sees them as well, but I see some questions.

Okay, let's see.

These. These two questions are similar.

Let's do it.

We want to throw this to Alexis. One was from a Colleen Collins. I hope I'm saying that right. How do we get over that? But in follow up to that, Raven said, ask the same question. So how did Alexis deal with that or deal with herself and to heal in that situation, I guess when you let it go, how did. How did you deal with that?

You know what it is? I failed in three marriages.

Okay, There we go.

I won't say I fail all of them, but I had part in it because it takes two, okay? I can't point the finger. I can't blame. I can't do any of that. Because once I figured, I'll tell you the truth, I was at my. This is recent. I mean, I've had a relationship now for 10 years, right? Loves me to death, wants to marry me. I'm terrified. I don't want to fail again. Okay? So luckily, he loves me enough that he stayed around.

Right?

So I got to the point where I was at my son's house last Christmas. Yeah, last Christmas. And my older son, who is, I'll say, 35, had an issue with me not listening to what he was trying to say to tell me. And he. He barked at me. And my son has never barked at me. And that. That was really like. I was like, wait a minute, a guy. I'm having issues with men, okay? But now I'm having an issue with my son. So what it made me do was look panoramic and say, what's wrong with me? Instead of me always pointing outward, I said, what am I doing? That would make my son have this reaction and make. Make this gentleman or a man in my life. Have a certain reaction. And I started really researching. I started reading. One thing that I did that really helped me, too, was I wrote a book about my life. Okay. And what prompted me to do that is people were telling me, man, you've been through a lot, good and bad in your life, you know, and that's for a whole nother show. But in doing it, pinning it, it started to heal me. And I started to see and think about where I was right, where I was wrong, where I could get better. For a long. For many years, I was the best thing that hit anybody's life. And I wasn't trying to change anything. You better change right if you want to be in my life.

Right.

Okay. I had to change.

That's called attitude, by the way. It's called attitude, but go ahead.

I had to because I'm like, okay, I'm getting older. Do I want to still keep doing this in 80, okay? So if I don't want to do this to the lady, and I want to have a good life, and I want my life to be joyful and for my kids to be joyful. And, you know, I was that mom where I put everything into these boys, and they now are successful and they've got their own lives and, you know, so now it's time to take care of Alexis. It's time to look at what Alexis needed to do to become a better person.

I like that, Alexis. Now you've answered that question very well. Was it Raven and was it Colin?

Did you say it was Raven and Caleon.

Kalion. Raven and Caleon. I'm probably not saying that. Right. So of everything you said, I hope that they got that the two things that emerged from everything you said was very prudent and, I'm sure, helpful. But the two major things I heard you say, number one, you said you failed and let me. And a lot of people are afraid to fail. So a lot of times, when people afraid. Shonda, when people are afraid. No right or wrong. When people are afraid to fail, what do they typically do?

They won't proceed.

They do nothing. Exactly. Because they don't even have an opportunity. You said I failed. Yes, you did. You failed forward. You didn't fall. You didn't fail backwards. You fell forward. And it took you up to that. On that third failure, you said. Okay, okay, wait a minute. There's a common denominator here. Okay. You know, hang out. Right. And so to me, one of the most profound things you admitted for the people is you accepted that you needed to continue Going at it and fail forward. Keep going.

Yeah. You know, Jess, one thing I told my mom, who was a lifetime academia, you know, she was a schoolteacher. And see, so when we growing up, we look at failure as devastation. It's like, oh, man, my life is over because I got this f. But as an entrepreneur, we look at failure as an opportunity. We look at it as a speed bump. We're like, okay, I failed at this, but let me move on and let's move to the next space. So a lot of those entrepreneurial things that your father planted in you is, you know what? I failed. But you know what? As. And we do this well, we become accountable. We say, okay, even though this pandemic put me in this situation, I refuse to fail. Right? I refuse to allow the pandemic. I refuse to lose the COVID 19. I'm gonna move forward. And I think that also applies in your personal life. It's like, because I did the same thing in my first marriage. I looked at everything that I did wrong and I said, you know what? I know it takes two, but I'm gonna figure Shondell out. I can't really, you know, like my grandmother used to say, and she. Look, she had. Don't, don't, don't put it on her. She had a fourth grade education. She said, you can't re. Raise anybody. I know re raise is not a word. But if I ever corrected her, she.

Would slap me inside my head.

So when it came down to it, you just gotta really look at yourself and say, what can I do to be a better person? That's why, you know, the marriage with Arlene really flourished because I looked at. At that other marriage and look at the things that I did wrong. And then also allowed us to mature together.

Right? And so, so, so, like Alexis, you learn from those losses. Whenever you lose in life, don't lose the lesson.

You.

You ascended. You came up from those failures so that they wouldn't hold you down and keep you trapped. So, so. So to me, I thought that was very powerful as an offer. And the second offering, as you said, you wrote a book. Now, not like every one of us has a book in us, but not every one of us will write a book. Writing a book, to me, is as close to getting pregnant and going nine months and having a baby that a man will ever get. I know. I'm just. I was going there, smarty pants. So I just want. I'll let people know that everybody can't write a book. So if you. If you're one of the folks that thinks I can't do it, and I'm not Alexis. Well, then, like, like Alexa says, journal your thoughts consistently. Whenever I'm at my most challenged state, no matter what it is, it's challenging whether it's personal, professional, intimate, just a friendship. If I'm most challenged, I pop down, I journal, and just to get those thoughts out of my head and somewhere doesn't allow them to keep seeding in here and staying. So that's very good. The book. The book idea is brilliant, but if you feel you cannot write a book.

Journal, it's healing.

Cathartic process, big time.

Yeah, it's very healing. I was going to say really quickly, anytime you can write something down and read it yourself about yourself or, you know, even if it's relationships or, like you say, some emotional feeling that you're still feeling. For those women that are on the line that never connected with their father, one of the things I would like to challenge them to do, because I did this with my son, is write a letter to that person.

Wow.

Say the things that you want to say to that person.

I love it.

You'd be surprised how that lifts your spirit, how sort of frees you from that bondage that's holding on, that you never had a conversation or you never got a chance to say something.

Wow, that's. That's great advice. What is your book? What's the name of your book?

Oh, it's called Alexis Levi. From the Boardroom to the Locker Room. So it journaled me being young. You hear a lot about my parents, some of the seeds that they planted along the way and kind of the twists and turns in my life that caused me to be where I'm at today. I tell people all the time, I said, you know, most people ask me, was I born with a silver spoon? I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. You know, we are work hard type of people. Right? We open doors, we help people, we do things like that. And I still will always be that person, even if I'm doing a career.

Well, you know, what we learned in one of our podcasts, and maybe you can go back and we talked to Craig Knight and Craig Knight growing up in a celebrity household, and he said, really? There is no silver spoon. It's like, those folks work really hard. So, you know, I think that a lot of times people think that you grow up with a silver spoon because they see where you are right now. You plant on this mountain, but they don't see you climb the Mountain. So I think that's real important. But I know that you have really helped a lot of people because I'm watching a lot of people clap and do all these things on Facebook. So they're really, really digging how you're answering and you're dealing with situations that I'm sure they're familiar with. So Jess is really great that we even talk to people like Raven and Kalyan and folks who are really getting into the conversation. I really applaud you for doing that.

That's really cool. It helps me, too. You know, I'm still a work in progress and being able to help another person, woman, man, you know, whatever kind of get through those hurdles. Sometimes we just need somebody to talk to. And if we don't have somebody to talk to that's been through what we've been through, then it's kind of hard to relate. You know, something like you guys are saying somebody could tell somebody who hasn't been through it, you know, how they would get through it. But the person who feels that pain every day or goes through, you know, getting rid of the pain and moving forward, you know, can help drag that person along.

No, it's huge. Huge. And this is a little bit a couple. I'm stepping back just a second because you talked about what they could do in terms of healing is they could write a letter. I like that. I would say this, even elevate that. Write the letter. Send it out into the universe.

Yes.

And let it come back to you. Like, in other words, address it to you. Let it come back to you. If it's. If it's very heavy baggage and difficult things, you. That, you know, have been weighing you down and you express that all in that letter. When that letter goes out in the universe and it comes back to you. Burn the letter.

Yep.

Yeah, I heard that. Because methodology, too.

Well, because now, and even if you decide to keep it and tuck it away somewhere, whatever, that's fine. But I think writing the letter is huge. Sending it out to the universe is like your voice speaking to the universe about that matter, Right?

Yes, to me.

So I think that's a great idea. Well, anything. As we about ready to wrap up this session here, is there anything you'd like to share with our watchers or listeners in terms of this whole how to rise from circumstances of fatherless daughters?

Right. I'm going to say something that I wish somebody would have told me a long time ago. It's not your fault.

Nice.

Okay. It's not your fault. We all Every one of us, I can tell, you know, everybody. I know everybody's went through anything like this. Somehow in the bottom of our stomach thinks we did something wrong, and that's why we're dealing with this and other people are not. I think that once you figure out it's not your fault, you'll be able to go forward in life and maybe help someone else. You know, like to say, journal it, pin it, take small steps forward. This was not where I'm at right now. Where you're healing right now was not a year. It was not five years. It was. It was probably a good 30 years that I had to go through transformation to get to the point where I feel confident, good about myself. I love myself again. I don't blame myself for things that I didn't, you know, didn't do and.

Had no control over. And quite frankly, I hope that this broadcast has someone listening that rather than it takes them 30 years, maybe it takes them three years.

Yeah.

Or maybe, I was gonna say or three months or three weeks or three minutes. Maybe what you've offered here, Alexis, can bridge the gap of time so they don't have to endure 30 years of hell.

Yes.

What I say, Jess, is that this is a reason for brothers in conversation. This is why we have this dialogue. Because I would tell you, what you said initially earlier on is that our parents would not have this conversation with us. My mother would say, go pray on it, read a few scriptures, and everything is all good, right?

Everything's all good.

And then my dad's like, hey, you know, man, you gotta be tough. You gotta handle it. You gotta deal with it. But we didn't have conversations about. We never talked about these things. And what's amazing is every time we have someone on this show and we have someone on this podcast, they remind us that we don't have these conversations. Vital. Lawrence Weekley, Craig Knight, you. I mean, we've had great conversations with people, and folks will look at you out in the. Out in the. Out on. In your space and say, I never knew that about Alexis. I had no idea.

That's right.

That she did this and did that, and. And this is great for us because it's healing for all of us, but it's also inspiration for all of us to have those conversations so that we know that we're not in this alone.

Well said.

Have some commonalities.

Well said. Well said. Well, with that being said, brilliant show. Loved having you on here. You were awesome. Like, I know it would be Shondell likes To acknowledge some of the folks that he knows are on the watch party. Lisa may come up. I'll let Shondel go first. If Lisa wants to come up, Lisa.

May have all the same folks. I got Michael Elliott ballin D from 105.7.

Wow. Like real radio people. I like that.

Radio people. Yeah. Chauncey Moore. Christopher Lowry. Belisa Johnson. I know her well. Ed Weathers. Leticia Belinda. Jacqueline salaam. Sherry. Vivian McShawn. Daisy Trisha McLaurin. The president of the 100 Black Women. Iris Les Raven. Claire Thomas. Francine. My cousin out of Brooklyn, Francine. Steve Hollingworth. He goes. Capuchina Holmes. I love her. She's a dynamic, wonderful woman. Kenneth Garnard. Who's in 100 black men with me. Bobby Peebles and Valerie Lucas and aunt Andrea Hayward. How about that?

Wow, That's. That's quite a bit. Lisa's got. That's a. That's so round of applause for all those folks tuning in when they got other things they could be doing. You'll hear Lisa's voice. Lisa will let you know who's tuned in on her watch party.

Okay, we have Pam Farrell.

Lisa's gonna turn down her sound first so we don't hear that double back, and then she's gonna read it.

Pam Farrell. Bethann Robleck.

Oh, Pam Ferrell. Pam Ferrell. That's the same last name as me. She heard me talking about her daddy. Go ahead. Go ahead.

D.M. matthews. Murphy.

Nice.

Kim Snyder.

Nice.

Betsy Sturk.

Wow. Betsy Elise.

Our neighbor next door.

Well, next. Right next door. I like it.

Chase Murphy. Denisha Mingo. Mitzi Lee. Tammy Farrell.

Wow. Tammy Farrell. Oh, that's two siblings. I talked about the pappy and the mammy.

You're in trouble.

I know.

Lisa Southard.

Oh, wow. Lisa. That's from snc.

Brandon Ward.

Nice.

Brandon.

Brandon y. Very cool. Jess.

Arse.

Okay.

Edward DeMarco. And he said it's truly bad when one parent talks bad about the other parent. What's worse is when one refuses to allow the other in their lives.

Yes. Oh, that's so hard. It's true that, by the way, that's. You tell him. That's a whole nother program. Yeah. When. When. When one doesn't allow another one to be in. That's just.

It's just not good.

It's so damaging. Go ahead. That's so hurtful and very for everybody.

And so then he says they endure all the emotions.

Yes.

Yes. He said. Great show.

All right. All right, team. This was awesome. Loved having you here. Glad Shondell snuck in there and did his little Shondell groove. He's got a groove about him. He can't help it. And we always like to close this with one great moniker that we've used. And it's a model that we all live by on some level. And Shondell will finish it. I'll start it. It's all about how you leave them feeling. Outstanding. Take care, team.

Thank you.

Thank you. All right.

Bye, Sa.