“Overcoming The Fear of Judgement”

Foreign.

Welcome to our Brothers in Conversation podcast, powered by Jesse and Shondell. Shondell, you are from Bed Stuy do or Die Brooklyn.

That little town.

That's a little town that's Nothing like Hawthorne, Nevada. Population 5,000 cats and dogs. Welcome to Brothers in Conversation podcast powered by Jesse and Shondell program Mr. Shondel is going to be a half hour power and we're going to leave them wanting more. Shondell Newsom.

Okay, let's do it.

And the title is Overcoming the Fear of Judgment. How does that sound to you, Shondell?

You know what? I love it. I absolutely love it. I actually posted about it today on, on Facebook. So I wonder if people have seen that because I want to tell them my take on it.

So let's.

Let's roll with it.

Okay? Okay. Overcoming the Fear of judgment. This is February 4, 2021, episode number 40 ep. Number 40. So when we talk about this thing of fear of judgment, let's just go organic. Just, just to start out with. Fear of judgment is something that I think a lot of people, whether they dialogue about it or not, Shondell, they, they definitely, they definitely live it. I think many, many people live this. And you think about the fear of judgment. This can develop, you know, and have an impact on all areas of our lives. Right. And if not dealt with or if it's not overcome before, it progresses down to a very unfortunate level and life can get to be really, really difficult. What are your thoughts?

You know. Yeah, I think that most people, because of fear of judgment, change themselves or alter who they are in order to please others.

Right. They do. That does happen. They alter who they are in order to please others. Why do you just, just subjectively, why do you think that people do that?

Well, I think.

I think people want to be accepted. I think that people don't want people to judge them in an un.

You.

Know, in an unsightly way or in a bad way. I think that that's what causes people to have trends. Right. So that's, you know, if. And I say this because I remember my kids when, when they started coming home and doing different things like changing their hairstyle or changing the way they wear their clothes, most of it was because somebody else. And the fear of them being judged as being an outsider or the fear of them not being included in the discussions of being down with the people, you know, So I think that's what happens to most people.

I think you're right. I think also to your point, I think people also want to feel like they don't have the ability to fit in.

Yes.

That was the word I was looking for.

Look at you, man.

You know, you got that. Fit in. I was. I was looking for that.

No, but it's true. And so when we feel like Shondell. When we feel like we don't fit in.

Yeah.

Something's amiss inside. And also, I think. I think it goes to not fitting in, goes to the fear of rejection. Yeah. Let me give you a quick live example.

Yeah.

You and I are very good. You are very good. I've seen you do it. You're very good at compartmentalizing. You know, you have a good sense of intuition of when to let something out of the box and when to hold something in a separate box to be dealt with it at another time. You do that extremely well. And you're constantly moving boxes around.

Yes, sir.

I call that compartmentalization. Okay. And just before we got on this call, we got a message. This is so fresh. We got a message from a client that I feel very, very good about. I'm very dedicated to serve this client. With Lisa's help, we were able to get this client, and we've given this client our very best.

Right.

And this client has decided, for whatever reason, without telling me, that they're going to. They call it. Pause their coaching.

Okay.

But with no notice. No, no, no, no, no, no. Just. By the way, I'd like to change a few things or. I don't know what's going on, but the first thing that came to me was, oh, my God, what did I not. Was I not good enough? Did it. Did I not line it up properly? Was I doing okay? In the sessions like I have, the first thing I did was go inside. I didn't really attack myself, but something in me was a twinge and it didn't feel good.

Right.

Shondell, I've given my very best. Now, listen, whether it's a. Whether it's a friendship, a client, a customer, a wife, a marriage, a boss, a subordinate.

Yeah.

Some things do have to change. Some things do have to evolve. Some things have to move on. But there's a way that you do that, Shonda. When someone shuts you down like that, like a slap in the face, something inside happen. So how do you think I felt when I got that message?

Well, you feel dejected. You feel like. You feel like you're.

You're not accomplished, You've done something wrong.

Yes.

Self evaluating.

Yes.

And it puts you in a downer, Right?

Yes. So. But But I'm about ready to get on with Sean Del Newsome. Now, listen, you're pretty cool guy, and you would not mind picking me up off the mat. But that's. We. We not teamed up for you to pick me up off the mat. Not during our program. You need to do that before or after the program.

Exactly.

Right. So I had to. So I had to compartmentalize that. And I'll deal with it after the program or after my next number of sessions. Okay. But I cannot afford to deal with it right now because it would negatively impact our interaction. Wow.

Wow.

You know what, Jess? That's. You're right. I've learned over the years how to compartmentalize.

Yes.

And one of the reasons I think. And you know, it goes back to life experiences.

Right.

When there's a couple of things that happen to me as a teenage parent.

And then as a single parent, because.

Those people who have been. Who are single parents don't have a whole lot of time.

Right.

To drift.

Correct.

That kind of down period. Just like you just said, you have to pick yourself up. We are. We are constantly in that space where, hey, my kids are right in the next room. And I.

And I.

And I've done this. I have gotten a message that someone passed away who was real close to me.

Yep.

My kids are getting ready to get out of school. I got to go pick them up from the bus stop, and I have to dry my tears, move forward.

Yes.

And do you know.

So the same thing happens with Judgment.

Yes. Yes, it does. Shonda is so powerful. You said now. How long do you think I had before Showtime today on Judgment and getting that message, by the way? Even how I received the message, in my opinion, was offensive.

Yeah.

Because is he pausing or is he firing me? Which does it feel like to me? Do I feel like I'm paused or fired?

Well, it sound like fire, right?

Yes, it feels like fire. Now, how much time do you think I have between reading the message and getting on this program with you?

Probably a few minutes.

How about two?

Yeah.

And by the way, that was in final prep. There are a number of things I have to do to set us up to get us on this, whether It's Facebook and GarageBand. And, yes, I'm in. I'm in setup mode. But now my heartstrings are being yanked all over the place, and I've got to. I want people listening. When you're listening to this, what Shondell and I do, we're giving you a real situation that just happened. And it's not so much the power of that. It happens because it happens to all of us. It's, what do you do about it? How do you handle it? How do you manage it? I chose to compartmentalize that to deal with later. I only bring it up now because it's so fresh, so live. I want people to feel it's relevant. Yes, right.

It's relevant. It helps somebody. And to help people understand, too, is like our. Especially in our industries. Right. There's a couple of things that happen and I don't want to dive all the way into that, but I want people to understand the fear because the fear is something that is real. So you're not going to eliminate fear. That's not going to happen. You're not going to be like, all of a sudden, I don't care. Because people do believe that. Just, I don't care about things that happen. I get that often from my kids. Dad, you don't really care.

But that's not it. It's you compartmentalizing for another time to deal with it.

Exactly.

Or.

Or.

It's out of my control, Jess. It's out of my control. And I've always heard this from many different people. Is the student ready for the teacher?

Right.

So even in the case of you being a coach and somebody's like, well, you know, I'm gonna pause, I'm gonna do this. Maybe they're not quite ready for what they are about to experience.

Well said.

On me.

Well said.

And that's not really something I can control.

Well said now. Fair enough. To your point. Brilliant point. Brilliant point. And if I were. Now, we're not all the same. And that' having this conversation because we want. I want to hear your perspective. You're going to hear mine. We want to share these perspectives with people because we're not all the same. However, if I was in that same situation, I was going to shut down a service from someone that I know is putting their heart, soul and mind into me. I'm going to do it differently. I'm going to. I'm going to do that verbally. I'm going to say, let's just have a brief conversation. And I'm going to say, you know, Shondal, I don't want to run down all the details. And I'm not going to say, it's not you, it's me.

That.

But I'm gonna say, yeah, that song. That song. I just. I'm only some space, I think, you know? Yeah, no, I would say, you know, Shondell, I've got a few things to work out. Let me. Let me tell you the fortune that you're bringing to our coaching program, xyz. Let me tell you where my challenges are. I want to live up to that. I want to be truthful and honest. I want to have integrity, and I want to do the work. Something's going on in my world that's disallowed me to show up properly. How do you feel about a short pause?

There you go.

You see, that's. Now, I wouldn't feel fired because I have no intention. I don't know what's. What's. What's happening. And see, a lot of people have that happening. So a lot of times when people judge, they don't realize judgment. When we're talking about judgment, doesn't it feel like it's a negative thing? Yes. Yes. But guess what? Judgment has two sides.

Yes, it does.

We're also judging to see are we? Okay?

Yes.

Yes.

But most of the time, judgment is perceived as negative. It's not perceived as a positive thing.

And judgment, to me, Jess, is based on a person's experiences, their walk through life. That's how they judge. Right? It's based. Judgment is one of those things that I, you know, I put on my Facebook, I was telling people I don't fear judgment. And the reason why I don't fear judgment is because those who are judging are all different. Somebody might be judging me as arrogant because I always look like I'm confident. Somebody might be judging me as being aloof because I'm always trying to have fun. Maybe they don't know that I have a lot of fun because I have to get rid of all the different pain, nice things that are not fun. I want to. I want to raise. I want to rise above them.

Right.

And I'll tell you where Jess is. Interesting. I posted a picture, a video of me dancing.

Okay, yes, I saw that video. I saw it.

And you know what? Hey, I got. I got all kinds of responses. Now, if I was worried about how people judge me, I probably would have said, hey, Arlene, cut here. Or wait, wait, wait.

Let's do it. No, Right, right. No, you just put it out there.

I said, you know what? I feel like dancing. Arlene said, I got the camera.

Let's go. Right?

And I'm singing to her because somebody even said that. They said, well, why are you not singing and dancing with Arlene? I said, how do you know I'm not right? Right. So the. The thing. The thing that I'm not afraid of is judgment. And I'm tell you, I'm just going to go there for a minute, is that I'm writing a book about the ultimate measure of a man.

The ultimate measure of a man. Men.

The one biggest problem we have as men is we can't get in touch with our feelings a lot of times because we're afraid of being judged. We're with our mates, and we don't want to be soft. If we act soft, they're going to take advantage of us. They're going to use us. That was kind of the things that was in our head as young people, as young men. But what I learned is if I open up, and you've done this, too. I've seen you and you and Lisa, people can see the openness and the joy that you have as a couple because you're not afraid of her judging you, right or wrong?

No, not at all. So you're welcome it, actually. Welcome it. Welcome it. Now, when I say that. When I say that, Shonda, sometimes it's painful, yes, But. But at the end of the day, I still welcome it. Because if I don't, I'm resisting opportunity to shift, evolve, change, grow, develop, all of that. So I don't want to shut any of that down. I want to welcome that. And you know what? Get over yourself, for Christ's sake.

Exactly.

Get over yourself.

And guess what? You are going to be judged. Just the bottom line. I was just selected to be on the board for the Las Vegas chamber. And the way that I really. And they did the orientation, the way that I really help people with judgment is I just put it out there, Jesse.

Right.

Like you do. I'm from Brooklyn.

Right.

This is who I am. I'm not the guy that went to Harvard Business School and did this and did this and did that. This is who I am. Right. So that takes that. Hopefully that takes them off guard where they're like, all right, I could talk to Shonda. I get to know him.

I don't think it takes them off guard. Shondel. I think what it does is actually does the opposite of what you're saying. It actually lets them know who and how you are because you're being so forthright and honest about it. And you're not doing it from an egotistical standpoint. You're doing it so they know who they're dealing with. Yeah. So. But funny you mentioned video. I'm going to share a quick video just to do a little head fake here. Give Me a second. I want to share a video because you mentioned your dance video, which was a cool video, by the way. I saw you moving and grooving. I don't have those moves, but that's okay. I'll get over it. Let me, let me share this. Let's see. I'm going to go. I'm going to share with the sound. It's just really about a minute and a half. And this is a little bit of a head fake and it talks about judgment. So let's watch this.

Let's watch.

It's.

Okay. So now there are no people listening to the program. So they're not seeing it. They're gonna have to go to our Facebook and look from this Facebook Live and watch the video. So Chandel. Talk to the people real quickly about what, what you saw and that judgment and what was happening. So the people that didn't get to see see it because they're listening to this program versus watching it. What are your thoughts about that whole traffic jam?

I saw a couple of gifts in emotion.

Right.

First, to start off, ah, there's. There's an old person trying to cross the street.

So there the judgment was in kindness.

Yes, Kindness.

Right.

Okay. You know, yeah, let them pass.

Let's let them go by.

And then as more people were coming, you saw the expressions change, like, are you serious? It was that, are you serious? Look. Right.

And why. And why did it change? Because it was more people. Why were the people in the traffic? Why did it change? Because of what?

Well, because there were more old people, right, crossing the street and holding them up from wherever they were trying to go.

So they start. So they start judging them because they were older.

Exactly.

Because they would have got across the street faster.

Right, right.

And. Yeah, and.

And you know, they're like, oh, man. And then they're probably second guessing their.

First judgment, which was.

Which was kindness.

Right.

Generosity. They're like, man, I should have just went.

Right, right, right.

Yeah, because I've been there, been there.

And then they went back. Then they saw that the old people saw the sign was closed. So then they turned back and then the guy comes out of the store, said, no, no, it's actually open. So they come back across again and then somebody drops their change. And then that was. That was the last straw when all those pennies and nickels and dimes were everywhere. Like, oh, my God. But. But they were actually getting punked because they were tricking these people. That were different times. They were tricking them. They would. It was a Setup. But wasn't that a cool model of judgment?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Because you saw all the swings of judgment. You saw you go from, you know, really, really being sweet and courteous. And you can even see in some people's eyes and faces that they had this satisfaction of, ah, look at me, right, doing something nice for this old.

Right, right. Until. Until it didn't serve them anymore. It went longer than they wanted to. Then they got there. So judgment does that. Judgment is also about service. Does. Does. When you judge others, how's that serving you? And how the server, the. Lisa and I came up with something. This is going to be one of our future podcasts. I won't say it's the next one, it's coming soon, but you're going to love this one. In terms of judgment. Lisa and I had a conversation about. We've been having conversations about the number of different people that are different now than they were before. We've got clients that disrespect that have disrespected us recently after four, five, seven, eight years of service. We've got friendships that they're three, four, five years long, have no hiccups at all, that for some reason it's flipped now without understanding, did we do anything or do we say anything or whatever. And you know what I said to Lisa? And we're going to have this. You're going to love this one. One of our podcasts is going to be entitled People Change.

People change.

People change because life changes. You and I going to open up the whole can of worms on what does that look like? On People Change. And sometimes when people change, sometimes it's not for the better. Sometimes it's for the detriment. Sometimes it's for the disengagement. Sometimes it's to break off a relationship or a friendship, and you don't even always know why.

Don't know why.

So, so that's gonna do. How do you like that? As an upcoming podcast. People Change as a teaser.

I absolutely love it. And here's what I've always told. Especially employees, right? We got, we got employees in an office, and I try to tell them that we just recently sat down and discussed this.

People change when their life changes, right? So you graduate from college, you're, you're, you're now in the work environment. You don't have college anymore, but life.

Is happening now, right?

Nobody's treating you like a college student anymore, or you. You know, years ago, I had one of my best employees. She got married, and once she got Married. Yes. She's going to change because now her priorities are different.

And so. Yeah. So let's don't use negative judgment.

Right.

Just because people change. People are changing all day, every day. And sometimes it has to do with things that has nothing to do with us. Sometimes it's a tragic situation happened in their lives. Sometimes. Maybe they made some choices that affected them. Maybe they're on drugs or not. Or too much alcohol or not. Or gambling, lost all their money or not. Or lost another relationship. There's a lot of reasons. Sometimes it's aging. People do shift as they get to different age cycles and so forth. So let's say that people change and let's embrace that change and wish them well and move on. So. But we'll get on to that. But I want to get on to that.

I want to do a quick share. Yes, one quick share with the reason why, like judgment. When I first came into the military, obviously I moved from New York.

I had two kids, a wife, and.

I was moving it, going to Nellis Air Force Base, where, you know, I was gonna be. I was working in the top secret unit. And one of the things that my captain told me years later is they were concerned about me because they felt.

Like mentally, would I be there to.

Do the job, as opposed to a young person coming in fresh with none of those, none of the baggage, as they would say it.

Right, Right.

The military don't issue you a family.

So here's one of the things that.

That he said he learned in life was like he was judging me based on my situation.

Right.

Where the single guy who had no thought of life just moved from mom's house, just moved, came into the military, had more issues than I did because of who I was, not necessarily because of my situation, but how I handled the situation. So people will judge you based on what they believe and what they perceive.

Well said.

And based on their own limitations.

Well said. Well, bravo. Well said. Wow, that's powerful. With that powerful addition that you just gave us, I want to share something with you that's related specifically to what you just said. And you actually did this with this example you shared. Shondo, you did this. And I actually discovered this on Facebook. A dear friend of mine from my past, Ella Lewis, shared this on Facebook. And I loved it. And it said, be the person who breaks the cycle. And that's what you were doing. Be the person who breaks the cycle. And it said, if you were judged, choose understanding. If you were rejected, choose acceptance. If you were shamed, choose compassion. Be the person you needed when you were hurting, not the person who hurt you. Vow to be better than what broke you. To heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act from your heart, not your pain. Be the person who breaks the cycle.

Yeah.

What say you, sir?

Yeah, you know, that's exactly what it's about, is like, you got to make sure that other people's limitations do not weigh you down.

Exactly. Is that amazing? So let's talk about what we can do about this to your point. So ways to overcome judgment. And just do a quick way. And we're gonna. We're winding down. We've got about five minutes left. Three to four to five minutes left here. So ways to overcome judgment. Number one, Shondell, weigh in. Determine your wants and needs.

Yes.

Who are you?

Exactly.

Exactly.

Exactly. Another way to overcome judgment. Know your own strengths and limitations.

Yes. Yes. Big one.

Okay.

Resist letting others define you.

That.

That is the hardest part.

For most people, it is because we. We become what we hear, we become what we absorb. We become what we're affected by. But resist letting others define you. You're not going to tell me who I am? I'm going to tell me who I am. Jaz.

Let me tell you a real quick football story about that one. So one day I'm in practice and. And you know, they do what's called a power suite.

Hold on, hold on. Shondel team. If you don't know Shondel, he actually played semi pro football. So he was about ready to go to the NFL. So now go ahead.

No, I wasn't. I was Vegas gamblers. That's all I wanted.

I wanted.

I wanted to play some football.

Okay. I would.

They can't. The 300 pound guard comes on the power suite and they come at you at 190, 185 pounds and they're supposed to take you out, right? So every time that guard would come around that corner, I would find a way to get around them and make the tackle. I would go under him, around him, but I wouldn't engage him. So one day the coach comes out to me and he goes, hey, you, Shawn da have to be strong. You have to take on that guy and shed him and do all this. I said, coach, I know my limitations and I know his strengths. And his strengths will crush my limitations. So no, I'm not taking that guy on. I'm going around him and I'm going to make the tackle every time.

He said, you know what?

You got a good point.

Wow.

Wow.

That is a. That Is a great. That's a great example. Number one, determine your wants and need.

You.

You did not want to be hit by that guy. And you need. And you need it to get out of the way. Right. And know your own strengths. Your own strengths. In that particular case, you were speed. You. You had speed and agility. And your limitations was size. He was going to crush you, Right?

Yes.

And resist letting others define you. You're not going to let that big dude tell you who you are. You're going to use your best strengths and talents to maneuver that situation. Correct.

Yeah. And I still accomplish. I'm making attack.

Exactly. Well said. So I love that. That was. That was a brilliant story and it fit perfectly, too. So thank you for that. The other two final Shondel would be be aware of your inner critic. Be aware of your inner critic. Okay. And then invest in yourself.

Yes.

Those are ways that you can tackle judgment.

Yes. Yes.

Right.

What? I love it because I just told you, like, I'm a constant reader. I'm in. I'm always thinking about many different things. And by the way, happy Black History Month because here's the thing I want you guys to think about. And this is why I'm reading this book that I just got called 4.

400 souls. Wow.

400 souls is from 1619 to 2019. Wow. And there are about 40 or 50 writers on this book, Jess. They all took a period and they.

And they.

They wrote about the period in black history. And what I want people to understand is that me studying black history is not necessarily for anybody else, but what the last point just made, which was the inner critic.

Is that what you're thinking of? Yeah. You're inner critic. Invest.

Right.

Invest in yourself. Yes.

So I'm investing in myself by understanding myself and understanding who I am. And one of the reasons why, you know, black history was even invented is because when we go in American history or anything like that, most of the facts are not all there. So these type of books fill in the gaps for people like me so that I'm not critical. I'm not. I'm not in a room. I. And we've talked about this before, I don't sit in a room and thinking that every white person is judging me. And I think some people have that, especially African Americans have that. I sit in the room as a proud African American because I know my self worth and I know myself because I invest in myself.

Fair enough. And so what you're. What you. What you're saying, most people, when you talk about they sit in there with the fear. You're right. And I call that fear of judgment.

Yes.

Not just judgment, but the fear of judgment. And you're saying you bust down the walls of the fear of judgment to get a sense, you know, foundationally of where you've come from. What is that lineage? What is that heritage? What does that mean? How does that shape or reshape you and your mindset based on the reality of what that lineage really was? Not the speckling, the salt and pepper speckling that's around the world you're entrenched in getting the best intelligence from. What does that trilogy looks like? Yeah, I like that. I like. That's really good. So judgment, this really was. It's been a wonderful topic. If you're watching or listening to this, I really hope that this has brought you the value that I can see that it's brought Shondell and I to team up and just talk about judgment and also fear of judgment. And with any fortune, we've given people some nuggets, Shondell, that they can walk away with and say, hey, I'm going to try that thing that Shondell did on the football field to help himself not get crushed and still make the tackle.

Exactly. That's the point. Yes. And I bet my coach would have not agreed with me had I not made the tackle.

Well, said it would. He would have told you to do it the way he told you to do it or the way he thought you should have done it. Verse and the way that he told me have been instructing you before you proved your. The way your way was right. Might have gotten you hurt. Yeah. Oh, definitely hurt. And still it still didn't make the tackle. Yeah. Yeah.

There's no, there's no doubt in my mind I'm getting hurt by £300.

So do not. So you're watching this, listeners. Do not let metaphorically that 300 pound obstacle or challenge or offender knock you down from judgment. Overcome it by the things that Sean, Nell and I have talked about here. We talked about determining your wants and needs as a way to overcome it. Know your own strengths and limitations as a way to overcome it. Invest in yourself, be aware of that inner critic, what's going on inside and resist letting others define you. That's what Shondale did. He did not let others define them. He figured it out. So with that being said, this is a wonderful program. It was well done. It was. I know we could always do longer than. And we will when we can, but this half hour power was brilliant. And thank you, Shondo. You brought some great magic to today's. To the show today.

Yeah. I love the video. It's going to go around in my mind. Matter of fact, I'm going to make.

Sure I don't let that old. That first old person cross because I got to get.

Well, you know what? With that last statement, Shonda, you just set us up because when you were out there doing that, you're constantly focusing on what we said. The best part of life begins when how you leave them feeling.