Relationship Comfort Featuring Sheree Hunter

Welcome to our Brothers in Conversation podcast, powered by Jesse and Shondell Shaundell. You are from Bed Stuy do or Die Brooklyn. That little town? That's a little town. That's nothing like Hawthorne, Nevada. Population 5,000 cats and dogs. Okay, today's program, this podcast is going to be about a new Jestokism that I call relationship comfort. Relationship comfort. Our guest is going to be Sree Hunter. Sri Hunter is an amazing sibling. She's a baby sister. She's a mother. She's a wife. She's a great relative. She's an outstanding professional, and I'll let her share with her about her field of study. But we're going to be talking about relationship comfort, so welcome to the program. When you hear me say that, Sheree, what does that sound like? That means relationship comfort. How does that sound to you?

Oh, my goodness. First of all, I think it's a wonderful concept, a wonderful idea, and I'm super excited to be a part of it.

Okay.

But relationship comfort, to me, it speaks to one's comfort in a relationship. Depending on what that looks like.

Right? Because it could be that comfort. That relationship comfort could be different. If it's your son or your daughter or your husband or your girlfriend, that. That could be a range of relationship comfort, depending on what it is. Right? Yes. And you started your life early on in where?

Hawthorne, Nevada.

I think it was Babbitt first.

Should I say Babbitt, Nevada?

It was Hawthorne, Nevada was the city, but Babbitt was like a subdivision of it.

Yes, it was.

So Baba Nevada is what everyone's seen right now. And I, too, with Cherie. Actually, my first five years was in Reno because I came in a few bit earlier than you in this life thing. And then Babbitt, you actually see, this is actually our street in Babbitt, Nevada, that the folks are watching to. So I have a funny feeling there's some people out there on Facebook that are from Babbitt, Nevada, and they're going, hey, okay, I recognize that. And look at that shirt right there.

Hey. So even though my shirt says 1965, I was actually born in 1970, but.

Right. So the. This shirt was five years before getting you ready for the whole Babbitt experience.

They're ready for getting ready for what life would become.

Exactly. So 1965 is when our Farrell family moved to Babbitt. And Faro Olympics is an event that I created that you participated in from day one. And the reason why I created this was whenever we went to Hawthorne, there's not A lot to do. But our family can be very athletic and somewhat competitive.

Somewhat. That's the. That's the low of it.

Right. So if you're watching or listening and you're in a family that you have athletes or you have people that are a little bit competitive, we named the event it's like Feral Olympics. So it's called Feral Olympics. And we've been doing this since, I'd say, 072007.

Yes. 2007. And it is an event that we.

Don'T want to miss, no matter where it's at. And we move it around for wherever there's a brother, sister that wants to host it. Like, we've done Paralympics in Sacramento, where you're at. We've done it in Hal. A number of times.

We've done it in Utah.

Utah. Blanding, Utah. We've done it in Vegas.

Yeah.

We're gonna do it in New York. And our brother Jason is going to fly us all out there first class so we don't have to pay for the trip. He just needs to keep moving on up, like George and Weezy. Anyway, so let's get on to the program. The program is about relationship comfort. Yeah. So my definition of relationship comfort, it's a concept. It's a just talkism. What it is, just autism. That is something either I've adopted, I've seen, I've witnessed, or I've created. I thought about relationship comfort, to me, Sheree, is when you're. Let's say, when you're married to someone and you're in love with them and when you first meet them and you fall in love and they fall in love with you, there's a magic that happens with that.

There is.

And the magic doesn't really go away, but it shifts and changes. You kind of get used to it.

Kind of comfortable.

Of. Kind of comfortable. And a lot of times when you get comfortable, I think you get complacent, you get forgetful. You don't mean to. And it does. There's no disrespect against the other person, but you come across differently. Like, you forget to say please and thank you.

Yes.

You sometimes don't show up on time.

Yeah.

Or at all.

Right.

And you. And you expect to get a hall pass.

Yes.

Throughout the. There's a thing that I've heard someone say, others, many people say when something happens, tell me what this is, what this sounds like to you. And this is all related to relationship comfort. And I want to flip it back to you and let you hear Your thoughts? When someone wants something from you as a family member and you know it's overcharging, the request is larger, bigger than life.

Right.

And they just expect for you to do it.

Right.

And when you don't do it and they say, but we're family. Right?

Right.

What does that mean when you hear that? But we're family.

Necessarily, you don't necessarily have to do something because your family.

But the person's saying to you, sheree, but we're family, what are they expecting?

They're expecting something different. They're expecting for you to do something that you wouldn't naturally do from somebody else because you are family. And it's an expectation that I'm going to. I'm going to purchase this large, this expensive item from you just based on your family, your family, regardless to that you wouldn't do that for someone else.

Is that good? Well said. Is that good, bad, or neither? But we're family.

I don't think it's good. I don't think you should hold high expectations of others just because. Just because your family or because you're business partners or anything else in life.

Right. Fair enough. So you feel that that disposition, that's. That ties back to relationship comfort because they're comfortable in that relationship and they don't see the limits or boundaries. Because they want you to do. Because it's what they want. It serves them.

Yes.

They don't care the disservice that it has to you.

No, it doesn't.

Am I right or not?

You are absolutely right.

So even though we're both from Babin, Nevada, Hawthorne, Nevada, that means we have. We still have something to say.

We do.

Okay.

We have plenty.

So we do. And so what I think about that is I believe I've chosen rather than allow myself to be sucked into. I'm not perfect. I have work to do. But rather than allow myself to be sucked in by relationship comfort. But we're family. I do the opposite.

How does that work out for you?

It's more work. But I've trained myself to embrace it and look forward to it rather than repel it and think I don't want to do more work. Not only do I not mind it, relish it, you know why it makes me a difference maker? Because I'm using the opposite concept with my friends and family or colleagues or clients. Right. The better I know you, the more I want to be intent on staying on point on what's going to serve you in the relationship, not just what's going to serve me. Tell me what you think.

I really like it. I think that sometimes.

How much do you like it when you're going to. You've already explained how much do you really natively like it?

Okay, so it's uncomfortable sometimes.

Which part of it?

The part of it when you are choosing not to do something based on you're not trying to meet that person's expectations as much as you are doing what it is that you need to do for yourself on the receiving end of that could be uncomfortable. So if I'm asking you, Jessie, I need you to come to this gala that I'm having this evening. I'm inviting 20 people and you're one of the 20. And so now I'm holding an expectation on you.

Right.

But then you tell me no, that you're not able to make it because you actually have plans or whatever.

Yeah. So. So you're saying it creates a sense of. To be uncomfortable.

It does.

And guess what? I've decided to make an art. Are getting at getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.

I see. I like that. I could learn a lot from you.

I am going to get serious. I am getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. Why? Tell me why. Because you're right though. Because it doesn't. It does make it uncomfortable.

Yeah. I'm thinking that you set a precedence for yourself to be able to continue on with life as you have it set up or not take yourself away from the things that you know that you need to do as opposed to meeting the needs of someone else that has maybe a spur of the moment type thing that they want you to do or asking you to do.

Right. And I don't mind doing. I like to accommodate as those you're watching and listening. We all have responsibilities. Yeah. I like to accommodate as many requests as I possibly can, but I like to keep it healthy and not make it all about me or all about you. I like a sort of, you know, I prefer to serve over being served. I like being served, but I prefer serving. But being uncomfortable is the key to growth.

I like that.

How many times have you grown when you were comfortable? Oh, okay. I like that reaction. Hold on. Talk to our people while I get something for you for that reaction.

Okay. Well, I can give a whole example of that. I was in a job for a number of years, 18 whole years. And got terminated. I sure did. And that was not expected. But I was so comfortable with this high school diploma and it took me many, many places.

Yes.

And I didn't feel a need to do anything else.

Because I was comfortable.

I was making the money I wanted to make and everything. I didn't need to achieve anything else.

Right. So the concept that being uncomfortable, while not pleasant, complacent, will help you grow.

Yes.

And you, your response for that wasn't even a word. Do you remember your response that you just gave to the audience and me?

Tell me I'm short minded.

Right? Because it was so good, right?

Yes, yes, yes.

So what I say to my baby sister Cherie, that, oh, mic drop was a mic drop, Right? So tell me how you feel about. And by the way, if you're watching or listening to this podcast, this is native and natural and it's a concept that I just, again, the concept has been out there forever, but I renamed it.

I really like it.

Relationship comfort is something that I wanted to recognize for myself and anyone that wants to learn. Why just allowing that comfort to exist without recognizing. Because if you allow it to exist without recognizing, nothing changes. And I think you're being a bit of a disservice to those that you love and care by not realizing that we're human. So don't allow the comfort to sit in and go unrecognized and unnoticed. Notice it, recognize it so that I treat you with the respect. I don't want to get comfortable just because I'm your big brother, that I have rights and privileges that I might snatch because I'm your brother. Because we're family.

Yeah.

You follow me?

Yeah.

Your thoughts?

And so what else? So, so what? You have plans to go do something? I'm asking you to do this for me. You, you can't expect for people to do that because you're that comfortable in a relationship, there's got to be amount of respect.

You make the request and you, you definitely want it and you let them know that you want it. But if it does, if it's not gonna work out, you don't want them to hold that against you because they're so comfortable with you and the relationship. Their, their expectations of you are just off the chart and they don't even realize it.

That's true.

It's. I think they call that entitlement. Oh, again, I think entitlement is related to relationship comfort. Say yes or no.

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Tell me why you think that's true. Tell them why you think it's true.

Sense of entitlement. You feel like these things that you, these things you ask for should be done because you're entitled. I am your baby sister, right?

What do you mean, right?

You can't do this.

Right? Yeah.

And then when you get told no, it does something inside of you, but you're not even respecting the values or the opinion of the person you're asking.

Absolutely.

You know, that's what it.

It's true. Do you believe that there's. Is there anything in your life as you. First off. No, I don't want to say that. I want to say something different. The fact that I've brought this new just talk ism to you, relationship comfort. Had you ever thought about the concept, even without naming it that. Had you ever thought about that before?

No. No.

But isn't that crazy?

It is.

Tell these people what you do for a living.

I work in a mental health bill.

Right.

With people with severe persistent mental illness. And I absolutely love it. I'm also a therapist and a supervisor.

You're a therapist. You're a supervisor. You've got a master's degree in psychology and you're close. You're working on the PhD. You've got some pretty good work towards it, right?

Yes.

Don't you think someone with that kind of brain power and connection to people would have thought about relationship comfort before today?

One would think, but it didn't happen.

But why do you. Why do you think it didn't happen? I'm not rolling the under the bus. Why do you think it didn't happen? I think I know.

Probably because I feel entitled at times my own self and sometimes maybe I get expectational too. But then when you think about it, when we're having a conversation like this and you think about what you could be doing to others, it is about relationship comfort.

You know what? I First, I disagree with you. You're not the kind that would have a sense of entitlement. I've never seen a streak of that in you, ever. Whether you're talking about your husband, your kids, your brothers and sisters, your colleagues, your coworker, your bosses, I have never heard entitlement within. And quite frankly, quite frankly, you're exactly the opposite. You don't demand as much as you deserve.

Probably not.

Don't even get me started. That's a whole nother podcast. But so no, I don't think I believe Sheree. And those of you watching and listening, you, you can put your comments in this chat along the way and we'll answer them later. So if you have a thought about relationship comfort and you want Cherie or myself to answer it, or you want to expound upon it, or you want to learn more about it, let us know, and just. And we'll get back to you because we're not going to be able to manage the chat because our beautiful. My beautiful wife Lisa, who's always behind the scenes and sometimes in front of the scenes is we're hosting my mother in law. So she's doing some cool mother in law stuff. So she's not on this one. She didn't even know we're gonna do it. And she made it up. So we won't be able to answer the chat. We'll answer it later. But I don't think that's really. And I think those of you that are watching or listening to this podcast, I think it's important that we know why it happens.

Okay, tell me.

Because even with your intelligence and your experience, you don't even know why it's happened. And when I say it, you're gonna say, I knew that.

Okay, say it.

The reason why you didn't realize and think about the concept, because it's. It's been enamored and layered into you. That it's that way for almost every one of us. And we don't think about it because it's almost like a backdrop in a Windows program is running all the time.

You know what? That's true.

You knew it already. But you never put any attention towards it because it's just the way it is. So we accept things that way. But how do we shift and elevate and for always accepting that that's just the way it is.

How do we shift and elevate?

By opening up your awareness. By surrounding yourself with people that know things that you don't. By asking questions, by reaching out.

I know that just by doing this, this podcast right now that it has already opened me up. I was like, what a concept. Relationship concept.

But doesn't it feel better to dialog about it? I mean, when you heard it, what's the difference, Sheree, between just hearing the concept and now partaking in a conversation? You're the first person I've had this level of conversation. I've only announced it once. You're the first person I've had this level of conversation about the concept. So you're telling me, what is it? What has it done for you? By dialoguing about it, it's made a.

Shift in my mind about how I think about it and how. How people expect things from me and how I expect things from others and what that concept is based on. A relationship comfort. Because people do have entitlement, you know.

But when you say entitlement you let them off the hook.

Yeah.

Right, Right. Why? Because.

Well, you tell me why.

Because of your kids, because of your husband. Yes. Because it's your girlfriend. Because you wanted. Only because it's your mother or your father. You let them off the hook because of familiarity. The concept is blending into the backdrop, and it's always been running. So you never thought about doing anything about it.

No. And you're right. And it is. It's a hard place to be to wear those shoes and to be on the receiving end of people who expect so much from you. It is very draining at times.

And the problem with that. Draining. The way you said that is. Hold it. You said the word draining, Right. I think that's another mic drop. No, it is. You know why? Why? You just continue to endure it.

Yes. And it becomes normal.

Because it is relationship comfort.

Because it's relationship comfort.

Right. What would your. What would your baby sister Pam say about the conversation we're having, other than the fact she's missing that she's not in it?

Your baby sister?

Yeah. Your big sister. My baby sister, yeah.

She would hate that she missed it.

She's already. She's already going, ooh. She's probably online, and we can't see her going, oh, oh. In fact, step over there for a moment. Okay.

Okay.

Yeah. Let him see. That's Babbin, Nevada. That's what. That's where Pam Farrell grew up. Al Farrell grew up. Tony was a baby. Sheree grew up there. Tammy was a spitting image. Rodney had his place there. Jason, to a degree, there's a lot of Babbitt rabbits in our family.

There are a lot of Babbitt rabbits in this family.

So. So what you' audience and our listeners is embracing and having this conversation is doing what for you, and what do you think it's doing for our listeners? Let's tell them.

It's opening up my eyes to so many possibilities and things that I could possibly change in my life.

If you were to change just. You don't have to name names. If you were to change one, you might need to process it. But can you tell us what one thing you could change without naming names that that might be better from having this conversation, having made that change, being.

Okay to let someone down.

Okay, let me stop you right there. I'm so glad you said that. It's not about you letting them down.

Right.

That's the way you've been perceiving it because of relationship comfort. Right. It's about you giving them an opportunity to let Themselves up without you having to be demanded on all the time.

Yes.

So you're not letting them down. You're giving them a chance to fly and grow. Thank you. Yeah. Because you were doing what I call over service you have. I'm gonna give it to audience. Check it out. My baby sister has got the disease to please. I do over server. I do. And some level of perfectionism going on in there. And you know how I know all that? Because I've been there. Yeah. Because I have corrected. I've got medicine for the disease to please. I don't. I still like. Oh, yes. I've got this in the bag.

Okay.

I. I still. I still have to be mindful. So I'm still, you know, in the space of being mindful, if I'm not, I won't slide right back into it.

Okay.

I also stop over serving. I do like service.

That's a disease for me.

Oh, my God. So over serving disease to please mixed with someone else's entitlement and relationship comfort.

That's the recipe for disaster.

And for recipe for disaster, exhaustion, fatigue, Unsafe. Because now you're doing things when you're not really cognizant because you're exhausted from.

Over serving and nothing for yourself.

Come on.

What have you done for me lately?

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. That's. That's so true. Right, Right. In fact, you know, I know we're not supposed to answer the phone. Let me let my wife know that we are on a podcast and she's calling. It may jack something up. I'll make it really quick, but let's see. See if we can bring her into this. Let me go this way.

Are you busy?

We're on our podcast live right now, as we speak.

Hi, sister. Well, Marin just wanted to call and say hi. So we'll let you get back to your podcast.

Let's let Marin say hello real quick. Here we go.

Hi.

Hey there. All right, we'll let you go jump on the podcast. Okay. We love you. Love you too. Bye now. Bye. Okay, so there you go. We were at a crescendo point. I'm gonna turn my phone off, as I probably should do in the future. But that's okay. We're live. We got it covered. So you're making. What's the final point you have as we bring this home about the whole concept of relationship comfort? It's pluses and minuses.

Okay.

Because. Because the plus is on the relationship comfort side. Building that. The steps that it takes to get comfortable with your relationships again, whether they're intimate relationships, professional relationships, friendships. So there is a plus side to it. But if we're not mindful, like over serving or disease to please, if we're not mindful of it, we end up exerting far more energy. And people come to expect that from you. They walk away happy and you're smoked. Your thoughts.

The plus side to relationship comfort is knowing that in relationships that you have, you have so much comfort that you feel like you can rely on others. That's a. That's a plus. But a negative side to that or a not so positive side to that is that it has its challenges in that you can exhaust yourself. You can. You can do so much for others that you don't have any room left for yourself. And then you feel depleted and you're.

Unhealthy and you're wearing yourself out. Yeah. So I like that. So if there's someone out there right now, in fact, let me. Let me turn this to a position where we don't have to worry about that. If there's someone else out there listening to this podcast and they are relating to this relationship comfort, both the pluses and the minuses, and maybe even more on the minus side than the plus, what advice would you have for them? What would you say to them to help them, you know, raise their awareness of what if it's on the negative side of relationship comfort, what would you say to them to help them move on from that or improve?

It's okay to say no sometimes.

I like it.

It's okay to send someone on to do something for themselves so that they are able to grow from that. If you're constantly doing something for other people or you're constantly serving, then this. These people who you are serving won't know how to do things on their own. So that's what I. Wow about that.

That's pretty powerful. I don't know who's listening to this. If that point that you just made just helps one other person. Do you know what you've done to the quality of lives out there? Even if what you say, I think is gonna help more than that. But from what you just said, the way you synergize that, even if it only helps one person out there listening to this podcast, where's the value for you in that?

Feeling blessed, right? Feeling blessed.

Awesome. I'm gonna say thank you to my baby sister for being right here in our live virtual studio. Yep. Virtual studio. Tell our crew what you think of our new virtual studio.

Oh, my gosh. You all are not almost popping up. He got it going on.

And this idea was Lisa's idea to help transform our traditional office. Yep. Yeah. So we're going to give Lisa in the virtual studio this. We're going to do it at the same time. On the count of three, we're going to give it a three, two, one, mic drop. We'll catch you guys later. Thanks for tuning in. Bye now, Sam.