What Are Your Priorities?

Foreign.

Welcome to our Brothers in conversation podcast, powered by Jesse and Shondell. Shondell, you are from Bed Stuy do or Die Brooklyn.

That little town?

That's a little town that's nothing like Hawthorne, Nevada. Population 5,000 cats and dogs. Okay, so here we are. This is Thursday, November 21, 2019 Episode 15 Brothers and Conversation. Yep. Brothers in Conversation. And our title, this moment is what are your priorities?

Oh, yeah.

What are your priorities? So we're gonna just go organic on this one. When I make that statement about what are your priorities? What does that mean? What does that even. What does that mean to you? Not just everybody in the world. I said, what are your priorities? What does that mean to you?

You know, for me, it's, it, it's. I mean, in simple terms, it's what comes first. What is the first thing that I'm focused on? Maybe when I either wake up in the morning or. Because I have, you know, different levels of priorities. Right. What's my high level priority?

Sure.

My, you know, just different things. So it basically goes to what comes first and what am I focused on? What am I really?

So when you hear what are your priorities? What comes to you is what are you focused on?

Right.

So. And when we talk about that, you say, what do you focus on? That could be a lot. What do you focus on at the moment? What do you focus on for the day? What do you focus on for the week or the year?

Yeah.

When you say what are you focused on? What does that mean to you?

So I. I'll give you an example. So when I was, you know, my kids were young.

Yeah.

On a larger scale, I start there first.

Okay.

My focus was on them. So I purchased my home based on where the school. Good schools were good. Parks, rec centers, things like that, that impact them.

Okay.

When Arlene and I were empty nesters.

Okay.

We focused on us. We focused on what's a good place where we can get good health care, where we can get. Where we can be even kid free zones. Like, we really just. It was more about us, where we could dine at different locations. Like, it shifted from kids as a priority.

Why did you focus on kids first as a priority? I'm curious. Oh. So when we.

So when we came together as a family, one thing we wanted to do was make sure that we said we're going to raise our kids in a way that they have every advantage available to them.

Okay. So the folk. The focus was on them. So that they would have options and choices. Yes.

And for them to Develop.

Okay, got it.

Yeah. So we, when we shop for our house, my wife specifically interviewed like, the schools. Like, she was just like, okay, here is one great elementary school. Here's a great middle school. Here's a great high school. Here, great community centers. Here's so her. Our entire focus and then our sketch. And even when we told. Chose our job.

Were you taught that, Shondell? Were you and Arlene taught that? Yeah. Or did you. Or do you think that was part native because you have children now that you shift your focus to them being first?

I think it's a combination of both.

Okay.

Combination of.

We were.

We were taught that by our parents that, you know, our parents made us a priority, whether it was, you know, things that we didn't like, like, you know, every day, going to church, whatever it is.

Okay.

They made us a priority and then made sure that, you know, you played in sports teams, did all those kind of things.

You were involved and engaged. So let me ask you this. So if you were to. Let's listen. Since you. Back in the day, I'm going to go back in the day with you. Yeah. Back in the day. Give me what you believe were your top three priorities on a daily basis.

Give me back in the day. High school.

No, you talking about when you had kids. Okay, So I want to stay in that. Okay, fair enough. When you had kids and you were out of high school, when you start to build your own family.

Okay.

Basically. Well, no, let's go back to when you and Arlene came together as a family. Okay, so what were your top three priorities then?

Well, first was integration. What that means is first it was, let's get all of them. Try to do two things at one time, too. I don't see my watch party, but I'm going to share. Oh, yeah, share now. That's why I want to share with my group. But it was first making sure that we brought the families together and when we brought.

So priority number one, make sure you brought the families together in a cohesive.

Fashion and into an integration.

Priority number two.

Yep. So integration was.

Well, integration. That goes along with that. Bringing the families together.

Yes.

That's a dash.

Yes.

It's not. Step two. It's a dash.

A dash.

Okay.

And then it was communication. Communication meant to.

Priority number two.

Yeah. Was communication.

Okay.

So communication meant letting our exes and our family members and everyone who was close to us understand our rules of family dynamics.

Okay.

That was. That was advice given to me by my mother in law.

Okay.

It was, hey, let everybody Know that you. You guys are family. It's about you and Arlene making the decisions.

Okay.

While everyone else may have an opinion, they don't have a vote.

Okay.

So that was. That was a. I thought that was one of the best things.

I would say that. That. So to me, you gave me another dash. I think your second one is communication. Dash.

Rules. Yes.

Or agreements.

Yes. Yes.

So. Okay. Got it. So what was number three?

And number three would have been.

What. What.

What's our long. What's our long term plan?

Like a vision.

Yeah, Vision for the family.

Got it.

What kind of family are we going to be? And. And we set. Under that. We set some things, like we were going to do family meetings every Sunday.

Okay.

Church, we were going to. You know, Arlene laid out everything. How. How the house was going to be run, you know, breakfast, snack, lunch snack, or school breakfast. Protocol, laundry.

So the first. So the first thing. So the listeners get this. So the very first thing was focus. Priority number one is focus on the kids, bringing them together.

Integration. Right.

And dash rules.

Yeah.

Priority number two, you're telling me, is communication. And priority number three, you tell me it's protocol. Vision. Protocol, rollout. Right.

Yeah.

And that's how you lived your life.

Based on those top priorities for what, 20 years?

Okay, so 20 years. So let me ask you this, obviously. And that. And that worked well. You did a good job with that.

Yeah.

You got good results with that. Yeah.

Yeah.

What would have happened, John Doe, if you had shifted those priorities of what you gave me? What if you have. What if you had a different order being. What if you had. I'm not saying right or wrong. And especially because if Arlene listens to this, I don't. She doesn't have to call and chastise me.

Right.

She doesn't have to get in my face and say, you don't know my business.

Right.

You handle your own business.

She wouldn't do it like that.

I don't know. She doesn't look like she would do that. Oh, no, she would. Okay, good. Good. So I'm gonna be mindful. I'm talking about you, not Arlene at the moment.

Right.

What if you had chosen. You have to promise not to interrupt when I say this because you're going to want to interrupt. You're going to want to. What if you had chosen, whatever your belief system. I know your belief system. We don't aspire that everyone believes in God. I believe that's your choice to believe in, whether you believe in Buddha, Allah, God, the Universe, the Big Bang theory, whatever. I think that's your choice. I know you believe in God. I believe in God.

Right. Okay.

We're not selling it. That's what we believe. That's our space. Yeah. What if you had placed God first?

I'm almost there.

Shondell. God is one. God is one A. Shondel is one B. You're right. Right up there. And then what if you had placed that family dynamic or Arlene in the number two spot, that family, the number three spot. What do you think about that?

If that was.

If that were the case, how would that look?

You know it would because you didn't.

Put God in your priorities, and I know God's in your priorities.

So let me tell you. Let me tell you what happened then. So you get it, okay? Maturity, of course.

Of course. Lack of. Lack of experience, lack of knowledge, lack of. Well, it would.

Let me say this. I was. I've been in church, you know, since I was 8 years old. So I understood God. I understand. But of course. But because of. And this is. This is where it gets kind of hairy a little bit. But now, again, my kids went to church, right? So they went to church on Sunday. And then we did family meetings. We did a lunch at, like, Jerry's Nugget or something. Then we did.

You're not filibustering, right? You are attempting to answer the question. Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, I'm answering the question because I'll.

Tell you what happened.

And I'm not saying God wasn't a problem. Priority.

Wait. Wait a minute. Maybe the people don't know what a filibuster is. Oh, yeah.

Well, that's just, you know, trying to go around and keep talking.

I know. You know what it was. I want to make sure people listening.

I know how to feel. If I wanted to, I.

But.

But I'll tell you the. The real. The real true answer is God. God has always been a priority in my life, but I didn't trust people.

Who were.

Leaders in the church at that.

Got it. Got it.

So what I did. God was always still a priority.

That was a little bit of a shaky foundation because of incidents that you've seen that were inconsistent with the power of the word or inconsistent with how you treat people.

Yeah, because I'm a reader. I'm a studier, you know? So when people are inconsistent, it throws me off.

Got it. That's a really good. I didn't expect you to come that clean on this. I thought you were gonna. Oh, my Go of it. But you're explaining why that prior. Why that wasn't. Well, he guy up in the power at the time because there was some conflict going on.

I think God was always high on high in the. But I didn't. What I did, what I was careful not to do is come at my kids with this is this and this. And that was. I would say that was on purpose because of my experience. What I did do was. But we did. But we did read and study like the scriptures and we talked about God and we talked about what God wants us to do.

Right.

But I was. Because I was a kid who was somewhat traumatized by the church, I did not force that.

Your life experiences changed everything. Put a reflect on that situation that made you unsure of where that should fall.

Exactly.

Because what you were living and. And what you were learning were inconsistent.

Yeah, I know. I knew they had to go to church, but I didn't know I wasn't going to force them as we were forced.

So. So why do you think I challenged you on that?

Oh, probably because where my priorities are today and the way my priorities are organized today.

You're right. But. But mostly because those people listening and watching may never have asked themselves what are my priorities? Which is why we're saying our program is what are your priorities? And if that's so, they may not even know where to start.

Right.

And another reason why I did that because do not ever put themselves in the list of priorities. A lot of times they come last, especially if they've got children, they've got work circumstances, they got other family matters, other family issues or concerns or whatever, whatever, wherever their energies and resources are going. A lot of times people place themselves even not even on the list of priorities or last on the list of priorities. And my vote is if you place yourself much higher, if you believe in a higher power or something that that's beyond us that helped all of this get here. That's likely the supreme space. I'm not saying you have to. You can put it in any priority, it's your choice. But my real vault was to get you as high up on that priority as you're comfortable taking yourself or even uncomfortably taking yourself. Because if you take care of yourself first. I don't mean to be selfish in a negative sense, but using self care as a replacement for selfishness. Practice self care. How much better could you take care of all your other responsibilities if you were taking care of yourself at the highest level?

So I got there. I'm gonna tell you when I got there.

Tell Us.

And here's one thing. I can explain that as well. When you're a. When you're a single parent.

Yep.

Your kids become your priority for a number of reasons.

Because you mean your top priority, your.

Top priority and your top priority.

But that doesn't. That doesn't mean it's right. It's. It's almost an innate. Or. Or. Or. Because one you're.

You're. You're feeling guilty about. You chose somebody who, you know, whether they ran away or wasn't the right.

Fit, that didn't hold up their end of the bar.

Hold up there in. So you feel somewhat like I have to give my all to my kids, and I have to. So me and Arlene were both experiencing that as we were bringing this family together.

And I think you did more than that. I disagree with you, and I wasn't there. And Arlene, forgive me, I'm not talking about you right now. I'm gonna disagree with. Because you can't. You can't battle me. You can battle me, but not. You have to battle me later. So I'm battling you now.

Yeah.

I actually think knowing you, and you've never shared this with me, I don't think you did give your kids all that you could. I think you poured it on and you overserved in a way to ensure. To make up for that gap or that distance from the other side of that person that. That dropped out.

Right.

You did your part and their part.

Exactly.

So that's what I said. Right. So.

So, yeah. And with that. With that, it wasn't until we started looking at it from a different standpoint, probably a year and a half to two years in, how could we give more? Because, remember, we're coming out of single parenthood.

Is it how could you give more Shondell? Or is it how could you give differently? Because you were already doing your part and the missing person's part.

Yeah, but. But you're not. You're giving. You're giving, but you're not giving more substance. Let me put it that way. And here's how you give more substance.

Okay. I like. So what you're saying when you say give more substance.

Right.

You're going along with my give differently.

Yes. Yes.

Yeah, that's what you're saying. How can we. How can we look at the. The cycle and circle of what we're giving and ensure that it's got the best ingredients? Maybe pull back on that and add this one. Maybe pull in on this?

Because like you said, instinctively, you start thinking about how you can give more.

Right.

Just more time. I don't want to miss this. I don't want to miss that. They're already missing their parent, blah, blah, blah. So you're trying to make up for the lost space or lost time or the lost parent. What we decided to do was now let's step back, let's think about how we can give much more substance. And what that meant was then we started focusing on if we're better.

Right. We.

Everybody else better.

So, so that, so you, you acquired that.

Yeah.

You had that philosophy, that knowledge. Wait a minute.

And that's what we need to flip.

The script a little bit.

Right?

Yeah.

In order for me to make you strong, I have to already be strong. Well, yes.

Okay. Well, I like that. That's good. That was good. In fact. In fact, I don't want our listeners and viewers to believe we're gonna be stuck on the Bible and God and all that stuff that just, that's part of the conversation.

The, the, the rip. So, so the thing is, it's not, it's like this is like. I wasn't, I was like thinking about. Because I think it's like this. You go from survival mode, right. To where you're a single parent and both of us have four kids. So you don't, you don't have a whole lot of time to do reflection and, and sit down. You know, you just.

I don't think. I don't think it's that you. Right. You just said, I don't think it's that. You don't have the time.

I don't feel like you have the time.

I don't think it even comes to you.

Right.

To your point. You're more. And God, I almost want to use. I'm not going to use a bad word. I'll use a different word. Just. You're more like spitting and getting.

Yeah.

Because it's all you can do to keep the job and keep up with the job and keep up with the demand.

Taking the minute.

Yeah. It's almost like you don't, you don't even. Your drive to and from is loaded with all these to do's.

Exactly.

Which is why we're having the priority conversation. That's the whole point of this conversation.

That's the point.

Because especially in today's world, there's so many more choices. There's volumes and oodles of more choices for everybody than there ever was before. So people deciding what's best for them and their time and their space. A Lot of times they're not taking time to do that. In fact, I want to switch over to this another part of the subject called shifting priorities. I believe that we live in a world of shifting priorities.

Right.

Your priorities today, Shondale, when you woke up Today, your top five priorities today may not be the same. Top five priorities at noon.

Right.

Or 4 o' clock or 5 o'. Clock. If Tiara calls you and shares with you, she wants to have a conversation with you so you two can team up and create. Make something better out of a situation that's in a complete disaster that threatens the health of your business and the business that she's running. Is that going to shift close to the top of your game? Yeah. Yes, absolutely. So. So we live in a world of shifting priorities, and a lot of people don't get that.

They don't.

They don't build that into their game. So Lisa and I have a communication style that when she need. When she want. First off, whenever she's reaching out to me, I want to serve whatever that is, because I want her. Whatever her timing is, I want to meet her time, even if I don't know what it is.

Right.

But if it's. We like to put it in a category. If it's a high sense of urgency, she needs to put that in the. In the voice message, the note, in the text, whatever. If it's a 911, she needs to put that. If it's not a 911 or a high sense of urgency, our rhythm is. I'll get to it. Once I complete whatever this task is, I'll interrupt the task. If it's a higher triage game. So there's a thing called triage and shifting priorities. A lot of people don't respond to shifting priorities. They get stuck. And this is what they do. See, you and Arlene made a change you weren't stuck in. This is what we do. At some point as you evolve, you say, wait a minute. This is the right circle of things we need to be doing.

Yes, the best.

So when you hear the word shifting priorities, what's that mean to you?

Well, it's exactly what you said. So your priorities shift. Like for us, for example, now that we have grandkids. Right, Right. We feel that we are the emotional support, the friends. You know, we. Before, it was our job to raise the kids right. It was to give them instruction, give them guidance, give them direction. Not that we don't do that with our older grandkids, but it's a little Different.

Right.

We don't feel compelled that we have to do that. So our priority is not to get them to school.

Right.

Help them through this. And our priority now is to provide emotional. Grandpa. Grandpa.

Right. You have, you have a different role now.

You have a different role. So you shift your priorities based on what. What's going on now. Right. You know, Tiana, my, my little Yorkie poodle is now our baby. That's the right. You know, I got, you know, my priority went from getting kids off to school to making sure Tiana gets fed, she gets a walk, she gets, you know, some time, you know, and all of those. So your priority starts to shift based on your environment and what you have going on.

Right. I agree. And in the world of shifting priorities, to me that also means that you are willing to make the shift to serve the greater good of all.

Yes.

Whatever that looks like.

Yes.

And when you, when you, when you live like that, I think you become more efficient. Yeah. I think you become more useful. I think you become more meaningful when you have that, that extra set of gears that, you know, you can shift to, to accommodate that particular matter that addresses whatever those concerns are or needs or wants or whatever that is.

Yeah.

I believe it puts you in a space where you're actually serving better. Yes. Yes. I do really believe that. I think when you get stuck and this is what I do, and it's not negotiable.

Right.

Think that's when you become hard to be around. Yeah.

And I think you have to.

Yeah.

You have very open minded. Absolutely. I think you have to be open minded.

You say, you say you think you have to be open minded. Sure. I agree with you, Shondell, but I think you have to know your character. Yes. Because there are people that are naturally open minded.

Sure.

In their character, and there are people that are not open minded at all. Don't want to hear anything from anybody for the most part. When you say you have to be open minded, you're talking more to those character types that are. Tend to be right all the time or think they are.

Well, I think you, I think you have to be open, open with yourself. You have, you have to allow yourself some vulnerability. You have to.

I agree.

You know, it went from, okay, I'm saving money for college, I'm saving money for, for my kids to have nice clothes, etc. Etc.

Right.

To now save money for retirement.

Right.

Saving money. You know, I'm putting money into insurance. You know, if God forbid, something happens.

Right.

You know, you. And then you shift from what are your. What are your priorities when it comes to housing? Everything shifts. And that's what I learned. Like, once. Once we went from having all the kids in the house to now it's me and Arlene and I. Yorkie. Yorkie poo. People call. Right. Right now, it's a different. Different vibe. It's a different.

Whole different rhythm. Whole different rhythm in the house.

So you're not rushing to track meets and football game.

Right.

You're not. You're not, you know, selling Girl Scout cookies.

Funny you should say that, because what you get of your time.

Right.

And I was going to say the next part of priority would be intuition. Time and timing.

Right.

I believe that exercising the power of intuition can also affect your priorities.

Right.

When you feel or sense something needs to be done or said or executed, and you follow that intuition, I believe that those are messages that are handed down through you to help you in a situation that you may not even have all the details for sure. And then you talk about you and Arlene being home now, just the two of you. Time is different.

Don't forget Tiana.

Tiana?

Yeah, the Yorkie pool.

Oh, okay. Oh, fair enough. Fair enough. Don't forget Tiana. I was thinking more people, but you're right. She's replaced all the other people. So the role is pretty strong. Yeah, okay, she's prominent. But so this thing called time and time, and a lot of people don't really put. Respecting the time and timing. Tell me what you think about that.

Well, I think, you know, I think again, people have to look at where they are in life at that point in time. Like, you know, time and timing is. Is very relevant to what's happening in your life at that point in time.

Exactly.

You. You have to, you know.

And what about timing to have. I believe that that's the part that's outside of our control. Yeah, both time and timing. But that's the part, in my opinion. I want you to argue this. I believe that the timing part is the part that really is what sets apart the great from those that are just status quo. The reason why I say that is because you can work as hard and as intelligently as you want.

Right.

At anything, whether it's being a musician, an actor, a speaker, a business owner, a worker, you know, a doctor, an attorney, whatever, it doesn't matter. You can work as hard as you want at any of those disciplines that are available to you and as intelligently as you want, but if you don't shake the right hands at the Right.

Time.

You're going nowhere.

Right.

Tell me if I'm wrong.

No, you're absolutely right, because timing is everything. Let me, Let me even tell you, like, before we got on. On the podcast, we were talking about, you know, a group that, you know, it's a mayor's council that I'm part of called Henderson Strong.

Right.

Had it been 25 years ago.

Right.

I may not be in the space with the wisdom, with the knowledge and experience to participate in that. In that committee or that board, because now they're talking about things like, okay, how do we build the future.

Right.

Of Henderson. But it took for me to have all of that, you know, knowledge, wisdom, experiences with my kids and raising a family. So now I'm talking about people who are raising families, you know, going forward. And. And what. What does the housing look like? What does transportation look like? What do the jobs look like? What do the businesses look like? So timing is everything. Timing is. And that's why, you know, I was telling an employee, I said, you know, patience with timing is important, so your priorities shift. But you have to be patient in order to realize that, you know, can you add some value to a conversation or a board or a committee or an organization or even your own business with that timing?

I think you have to be patient, but I also believe you have to have that back with persistence, because you can be patient if you don't have the persistence to stay with it.

Right.

So that patience at the right time absolutely opens the door for you to be able to indulge or get involved.

Or kick in, and it moves you into greatness.

Exactly.

You know, I think timing is everything when it comes to opportunity to become.

Great, it completely is.

You can't. You can't become great without having something that you have to solve or some. Something you have to be a part of, something you have to initiate. Think about like right now, Dr. Martin Luther King wouldn't be, you know, he wouldn't be as relevant as when he. He was in the 1960s.

The timing for that push was. Was impeccable.

Yeah, it was perfect. It was. Yeah, it was. It was. It was right on. You know, it's right there for him to take that stand, to make that move even.

And it revolutionized a whole country.

Yeah, exactly.

Same thing with Mandela.

Right, Right.

The timing for him to take the stance that he did.

Who.

Who wants to commit, to go to prison for all those years.

Right.

Yeah. But it. Oddly enough, I know he never thought that was going to pay off to him becoming the President of South Africa.

Exactly.

From prison.

Right.

Come on.

Right.

Funny. So you gave us some big notes. Thoughts at least. And I have this study that we call that one thing. And I'm going to just bring up a few. Sylvester Stallone. I'm going to share a few. Sylvester Stallone didn't get the part. And Bob Charnoff and Irwin Winkler said, keep writing Rocky and bring it back. And we will look at it. His persistence and Bob and Irwin willing to take a chance on Stallone is what let Stallone create all those Rockies.

Nice.

He doesn't shake hands with him. It doesn't happen. Let me give you a couple more. Let's. Let's look at. I'm gonna come with. This is called that One Thing. Barry White. Barry White. He went to jail for stealing tires. He heard Elvis singing the song it's now or Never. And it was that timing of hearing that song in jail with he and his brother both in jail with a single mother raising them. And he's embarrassed that he put his mother in that position. He said that was his wake up call. He turned his life around from that timing of hearing that song from Elvis Presley.

It's now or Never. Wow.

In jail, Seriously. He didn't even start out to be a musician. He actually wanted to be a producer. He wrote four songs for other people, then decided to go in the studio just to see what the songs were like. He loved them so much, he kept them for himself. Those became his four top best hits.

Right.

So that to me is another timing issue. Let's see if I can pull someone else very different that you might not expect. Let's go with Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis started acting in high school. Why? Because the timing was perfect for him. It was a high school play. And he got into that high school play in order to practice. Stop stuttering. He was a stutterer.

Gotcha.

He saw the opportunity for practicing on stage under pressure.

Right.

And that's what helped him get over his stuttering.

Okay.

That's why he became an actor.

Awesome.

Yeah. Timing. Yeah. Tell me what. Tell me what you think of those examples. Aren't those some really good examples?

And the key. Yeah, those are great examples. And the key is they did something about it right at the end.

Action. We're gonna get to that. We're actually going to get to the. What are you going to do about it? Because if the timing's there, in fact, I'm not going to stop looking at this. But I. But we have like 50 entries so far. This is called that one thing. The one thing is a study that Lisa and I are doing. It's going to come back up in more and more of our podcast because we wanted to know because we're busting it hard. Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. Lisa works extremely hard and smart. I work as hard. I won't call myself smart, but I work at pushing to be smart. I know you ain't gonna call me smart. No, but you told Lisa. I know, but you told you. Cheering I was smart.

I did say that. Ye.

So what we wanted to do Shondel with all that and I said that's still not enough to get to the standard and the level that we believe we deserve.

Right.

So now what? Yeah. So I thought, well, how do other people do it? So I started this study. We started study called that One Thing.

Okay.

Is there that one thing that helps someone go from obscurity to prosperity to go from obscurity. So right now we're obscure. We're like a best kept secret.

Right.

The world doesn't really know. We are available for the resources that we have that can serve the world. People know its and bits one at a time, some referral, word of mouth, blah blah, blah. But the world, the world knows about Tony Robbins.