In this instructional talk, the speaker examines why feedback often triggers anxiety and tension, likening the anticipation of feedback to a movie’s suspenseful buildup. Citing survey data, they reveal that only a minority of employees find feedback helpful, while most appreciate corrective input, are not surprised by it, and especially millennials crave frequent, candid feedback. The speaker emphasizes that specific recognition drives repeat behavior (92% repeat rate). They then present a concrete framework for delivering feedback that motivates rather than criticizes: be soft on the person and hard on the problem, separate the issue from the individual, focus on future collaboration, set clear expectations, and open the conversation safely with phrasing that invites dialogue. A detailed anecdote about manager Nicole and her report Jesse illustrates how to clarify timeline expectations and foster trust. The talk concludes with two guiding questions for leaders—what outcome do you want the feedback to achieve (collaboration, trust, growth) and what intention will shape the conversation (separate issue from person, focus on future)—encouraging a shift from critic to leader in feedback delivery.
Chapters
All right, if you want emotions to rise and you want to see tension in the room really quickly, just say these words: Hey, I have some feedback for you. Now it's not just hearing those words or seeing those words; it's the anticipation that builds up. Why now? What did I do wrong? What are they going to say? It's just like the movie Jaws. We don't see the shark until an hour and twenty-one minutes into the movie, but the buildup, the music, the da da da da da da feedback feedback feedback. What are they going to do? And maybe we have this idea of feedback feeling negative or critical because when we were in school, we never got called into the principal's office because we got an A. Congratulations, right? So as we talk to leaders and managers and we say, OK, are you giving feedback? How are you feeling about feedback? And they're saying, yeah, totally, but now's not a good time. It's really awkward. We've been through a lot. Batteries drained. And we don't want it to sound like criticism. For sure, nobody wants to feel criticized. It's personal. It's subjective. And most of it is not helpful. In fact, survey says that only 26% of employees strongly agreed that the feedback was helpful. So we need to do better. Because feedback can have a huge impact on the organization when done well. So we're going to rewrite the script. Because people do want feedback. How can I be better? How can I be more effective? How can I be more efficient? more productive? How can I be happier? And in fact, when we look again— let's do some more numbers here. When we do the survey, we see that 57% of employees say they appreciated corrective feedback. 74% said, you know what? I wasn't surprised by the feedback. And 90% of millennials do want frequent and candid feedback. But here's my favorite number about all of the feedback. When someone is given specific recognition and praise, On an action, they will repeat that action 92% of the time. But here's the keywords in that. The keywords are specific and recognition. So it's not just a high five or way to go or you rock. It's these 3 words. It's that. Yes, that. That moment when I saw you smile at the customer. Yes, that moment is when I saw that person lean in and start to engage with you. So here we go. Let's bring it to life in a true story. We're going to call it the slide deck. True story of the slide deck. Slide deck needs to be presented to the client Wednesday morning, 9:00 AM. Our hero is our manager, our leader, Nicole. And Nicole is going to be presenting Wednesday morning at 9:00 AM. Reaches out to her direct report, Jesse, and says, Jesse, on Monday, I need you by end of day Tuesday to give me all the data and analysis. End of day Tuesday. Jesse says, no problem. Eh. Problem. Jesse's version of end of day is sometime before Wednesday. Nicole's version is 5 o'clock. So Nicole's now got to give feedback. And right now, all Nicole's thinking is, I need to make Jesse understand. How can I make Jesse understand? Well, here's the first thing. Q-tip. Quit taking it personally, Nicole. We're going to give Jesse the benefit of the doubt that Jesse didn't do it on purpose to leave you hanging, that this was not something on purpose. So now, What you need to do is you need to think about, if I can't make Jesse change, then what do I want this feedback to do? I want it to be about collaboration. We're going to be working together. I want it to be about trust so that Jesse will feel comfortable to ask questions like, what does end— what time is end of day? And around their growth. And most importantly, be soft on the person, hard on the problem. And what that means is Jesse and Nicole are looking at the problem together, sitting side by side, instead of making each other the problem. So we want to create a safe opening. Instead of saying, I have feedback for you, Nicole, you could start by saying, I'd like to see if we could reach a better understanding about the expectations around timelines. I want to hear your feelings about it, not how you think. I want to hear your feelings about it and share my perspective as well. So we've set it up. We've got conscious intentions. We're now separating the issue from the problem. We're focusing on the future, not the past. Maybe we're finding mutual purpose and common ground. And there we go. We have rewritten the story of feedback because feedback is now soft on the person, hard on the problem, and we have a safe opening to start instead of creating that tension and emotion. So as you go back to your organization or you're helping other leaders and managers in giving feedback, these are the 2 questions you want to ask them to do or for yourself, which is, what do you want this feedback to do? Collaboration, trust, growth. What is going to be your intention? Separate the issue from the person or focus on the future, not the past. And then you are now giving feedback like a leader, not a critic. But that's all, folks.
