EP 176: Why Your Relationship Has So Much Drama (And How to Fix It)

All right, I've got about 15 minutes before I'm jumping on a coaching call with a client. And yesterday Amanda and I decided to go for a little drive out of the city. And we're about two and a half hours northeast of Toronto right now. Reason being I was in the city yesterday and just had a coffee and was just like, all the noise, the stimulation, I couldn't. I just couldn't focus. I couldn't get anything done. And I don't like the feeling of being, like, frantic and frazzled in my energy. Something that I'm learning to lean into when I'm in chaotic environments like that, to embrace and learn to thrive in that energy still. But when it comes to thriving from a place of clear thinking and inner peace, I definitely prefer to be in environments like this where I'm on the water and I got some perspective and things are a bit more quiet and slow. It was also. It's also Amanda's one. Amanda's last nights here in Canada before she heads back to Lisbon. And we wanted to just get some quality time together. I mean, I've had her here for a couple of weeks now. We've been doing a lot of things with other people, living in a house, a couple of my best mates right now, a lot of time around other people and her family. But me and her really thrive when we have just solo time together because it's one of the beauties of, you know. And this is some of the things that came up on the coaching calls that I had with clients today as I navigate these lads through relational breakdowns as they prepare for the next stage in their relationship. One of the things I noticed that I got to experience in my own life that has allowed me to attract a relationship like the relationship that I have with Amanda right now, which is something that is so amazing because she's, like, dating my best friend, where she meets so many of my needs and likewise, me with her. But to get to that point, I had to overcome so many wounds and attachment patterns and aspects of myself that were in the shadows that I didn't know how to be with. And specifically to tell that story, it was when I was in primary school, high school, I met my first sweetheart or the love, the. The woman I fell in love with. First, I was in grade 10, and that was like. Ended up being a five year, on and off thing all the way through to, like, my last year of university. And that first love. And I think for men especially, the first love is the one that kind of gets you the most. It breaks you down when you become attached, when your attachment wounds are brought up. The whole experience of dating and being fully, intensely in love with a woman at that age, or any age really. But for me, it was that young age of your late teens, early 20s, it just threw me around. It just tossed me around. I remember just being dependent. This success of the relationship had control of my moods so much. When we were good, I was good. When the relationship was shit, I was just in the dumps. And I hated it. I hated how much she had control of me. And I had to go through so much emotional pain and heartache during this first relationship at the age of 20. And I really wanted to get over this woman, but I couldn't. I couldn't. I'm living in Perth, Western Australia. My mates, I'm playing semi pro soccer. All my mates are like, just like getting out there, having fun, partying. And I just kept being attached to this one girl that I was dating. Her name was Shandy. And it wasn't until I decided, I made a decision to myself that I have to end this. I have to break my attachment to her. And it came through literally removing her from my life and not texting her, not following her on socials. The hard thing, and if any man's going through a breakup right now, or woman, I think that if you are struggling with those attachment issues where you just, they're like a drug to you. You have to fully cut it out. You have to cut it out fully cold turkey. That's what I did. It was really hard. And I remember going on a Europe trip with my friends right when I turned 21. The next month I flew to Europe. I had a five week Europe trip with my fans. And it was the first time that I traveled out of Australia or gone this far out of Australia. I remember starting to have these first sights of, hey, I feel really happy. And I'm not like thinking about this girl all the time or texting her all the time. I feel like I'm free. I'm myself, I'm exploring, having fun. Came back from that Europe trip and then two months later I had my exchange booked to travel to Canada to finish the last semester of my degree out there. And this, for the first time in my life, I started to feel like I was knowing myself. I was, I felt like I was secure inside of myself. I'd overcome the pain of this heartbreak. I'd overcome the grief of that relationship and the possibilities of what could have been with this woman. The first time I got on a flight and I flew to Canada to begin my four month exchange journey out there. And I just would never, I never forget the feeling of freedom and joy and adventure and playfulness I had in my spirit. Because I had me. The first week into that exchange journey. I'm going for my first night out of the student town in Niagara in St. Catharines where I was studying and I meet Amanda. And we, I connected with Amanda so well because she had just came back from her exchange journey, she had just studied in Scotland on her exchange program. She came back and we were just kind of just vibing off the fact that I was on exchange. She just didn't exchange. And it was just fascinating how energetically I matched up with a woman who was also in that state or that energy of fun and playfulness and adventure and free spirit. Because I had stepped into that myself, I had become it. And whatever phase you're in right now in your life and let me before I go there, because I had gone through the dark night of a soul and I'd come out the other side and not gone to external things to remedy my pain, to distract or numb from my pain. I sat in an experience and I let it go fully. I now knew I had an internal security within myself that I know I didn't need anyone. I know I didn't need anyone. It was great to have people around me, it's great to be dating someone, but I didn't need them. I was good with them, I was good without them. And not those foundations is what has allowed this 10 year relationship I've had with my soon to be wife Amanda, where we just get along so well. She's my best friend. Like we have the best sex, we get along so well because that underlying neediness was gone. I used to have it, now it's gone because of that first pain that I had to go through in my first relationship. So if you're in the pain right now, if you're experiencing the neediness or you'll know you're, you're going through a breakup or you're attached to someone, anxiously attached, avoidant attached, whatever the fuck, I don't care. If you're attached to someone out there making you happy, then you have to go through this pain as well by learning to trust in the fact that you've got you. And until you do that, your relationship will be built off shaky foundations. There'll be conflict, drama, all kinds of issues that just keeps playing itself out that you don't want. Like I was just saying to one of the lads I was coaching today, like, dude, when you have these foundations in place and you've got that internal security, your relationship, they become so much easier, so much less drama, way more fun, way more adventure. So excess drama in your life. When I see that in someone, I'm like, ah, you still. You don't know yourself. You haven't gone there. You haven't actually confronted all these dark aspects inside of you that's causing you to latch on to other people. So when you do that inner work yourself and you, if you're in it right now, just be in it, embrace it. Because it's a beautiful time. Dark, it's messy, it's horrible, it's scary, it's lonely. But it's beautiful because I'm speaking to you from the other side and you're going to look back at this time and be like, fuck. That was a beautiful phase of my journey. I had to go through that. I had to go through that breakdown. I had to go through it. I wouldn't have been a match for this person if I didn't go through that breakdown. So just trust in what I'm sharing is coming from your higher self, that you're about to transcend this period in your life and attract someone who is perfect for you. And that relationship is going to thrive and it's going to be better than what you can ever imagine. But you have to earn the right to receive it. You have to become the person who's worthy of receiving it. And the only way you do that, my friend, is is to be willing to look in the dark and to love the dark just as much as you love the light. Love being alone, love the feeling of not knowing if you're going to make it through. In fact, you need to fully accept the fact that whoever you're attached to right now, you need to accept that you may never end up with them. You need to accept that maybe you're not meant to be with this person that you're with right now. And can you be okay with that? And you'd be okay with it. The amount of times in my relationship with Amanda that we had breakdowns, we almost broke up, we almost got to the period we weren't going to make it through. And I sat with the reality that, can I be okay with the fact that she might not be my person? Would I still be okay? Would I still have joy and love for myself if this relationship didn't work out because I'd already been through it? And I knew the answer to that. I could operate differently when things broke down, when she needed me, or when we were having arguments, or we were in big tough life decisions. We operated from a different frequency because we know we're both okay with ourselves. Can't emphasize how important that is, the independence when you both know yourself, you're both independent. Man and I, we travel all the time, we spend time away from each other. Last year we had three months apart. She was living in Europe, going to parties and festivals without me. And some guys say, bro, how, like how do you. How are you okay with that? Because I'm okay with myself. I trust myself, therefore she trusts me, therefore I trust her. Notice how it's all reflection, right? The relationship with yourself is reflecting your relationships with the people that you're dating or the person that you're currently with. If you don't trust them, you don't trust yourself. If they don't respect you, where do you don't. Where do you not respect yourself? If you want something to change in them, what are you not willing to change within yourself? So relationships, they're not here to make you happy. They're not here to give you love. They're not here to make you fulfilled. They are there to make you more aware. So when you shift that perception about what the person is in your life, the relationship that you have in your life right now, when you shift the perception of what it is and why it's here, and you choose to see it from the lens of this person I'm in love with, is here to make me more aware of the areas where I'm not loving myself. All of a sudden the game of relationships completely transforms. And now all of a sudden you get to support each other and deepening into your own internal connection with God, Source, consciousness, yourself, so that you can both come together and co create a reality that is magical, beautiful, fun, playful. Not always easy. It's going to be uncomfortable, but you're going to be able to navigate through it. Because you know you can't fail. You know you can't fail. How could you fail? How could you fail if you know you've got yourself? You've got a connection with spirit, you've got a connection with source. Even in the darkest times, you know you're going to pop out the other side stronger, more connected, more grounded, more full, more free. What a beautiful thing, beautiful feeling. Let me just check the time here folks, to make sure that I'm not running late for my call. We have three minutes, so might have been some uncomfortable truths today maybe maybe what I'm saying doesn't make any sense at all and it will make sense very soon I can guarantee you that but no one is immune to this process for some people the process is more intense than the others depending on your astrological design depending on how and when you were born whatever I don't know maybe Pisces feel the intensity of emotions more than Libras I don't know but we're all going to feel it in different capacities and different levels so don't compare your journey to someone else's Take some knowledge or wisdom from my journey but just know that yours is going to be a little bit different and embrace it embrace it Check out the links in description if you want some additional support on the journey you know I'm here I know I got you and can't wait to see thriving thriving in your relationships because you're thriving in yourself Big love my friend peace.