SSS 185: 3 Things I Stopped Doing To Save My Relationship

Look, if you've landed on this video, it means your relationship is probably not where you want it to be. Maybe you can sense that you and your partner are starting to drift into some different directions. And I feel you can be a little bit scary, a little bit confusing, because you don't lose this person that you really love. This was me a couple of years ago. My business was booming. I was traveling the world, I was living with my girlfriend. But everything on paper was successful. But I could sense something was off between me and her. Everything that I tried to do seemed to just push us further away. We were having less sex, having less fun, and ultimately the spark wasn't there anymore. And it wasn't until I realized it wasn't about doing more. It was about stopping doing some of these key things that I'm going to share with you in this video. Now, the first thing that I stopped doing was taking business and life too seriously. Now, let me explain what this means, because it's so common for men who run businesses or men who are in higher performing jobs that everything starts to become more serious. You start to put more pressure on yourself. And if you reflect back to the version of you when you first met your partner, your wife, your spouse right now, and tune into that version of you, because when I connected it to that version of me, I was 21 years old. I was traveling. I was on exchange. I was living my best life. I was just having so much fun. I remember this natural sense of awe and wonder I had about life. And then I looked at the version of me a couple of years ago who was in this situation with his partner who wasn't bringing the joy. And I was like, I'm a completely different person. I'm not. I don't have that same lightness in my being. And I want you to reflect on that, too. Is it the same you? Because if you've lost the joy and the lightness and the fun and the spark, then your partner's probably really craving that you're probably taking things too seriously. So I want you to examine your life where the seriousness and the pressure has creeped in, and just acknowledge, okay, all right. Maybe it's time for you to reassess what it's going to take to bring this joy back. And there was a scenario for me a couple of years ago where I was living in Austin and my partner was living in Lisbon, and we'd had a couple of months apart, and she started to make some new friends in Lisbon. And. And I. Here I was in Austin kind of like in my zone, trying to, like, lock in and focus on my business and do all the work. And she was kind of just out living her life, and she started to attract all these new, amazing people. And the more time she spent with them, the more she was realizing she's having more fun with these people than she is with me. And then I started to notice that she was, like, less excited about coming to meet me in these different places around the world. And I started to, like, really doubt myself. I started to question, like, okay, fuck, what am I doing wrong here? Why. Why is she not as excited to be around me? And at the end of the day, what I came to realize was, like, I. I wasn't that fun to be around. The truth of it was, and the moment I started to step back and be like, all right, where have I deprioritized the things that light my soul on fire? And specifically in my case, it was just hanging around my friends. I wasn't making enough time to be around my friends. And the moment I made that a priority again in my life, I started to have the fun. The fun came back. So that could be the case for you, too. Like, I know that when you're around good people, naturally the fun starts to come back, whether it's playing sports or just hanging out with good people or going out and doing things outside of the relationship. I had to rediscover that. And the moment that I did, it's almost like the old version of me came back again. So here's my challenge or invitation to you is what can you start to do this week to bring back the fun, the spontaneity into your life personally, but then into your relationship? If you're still living with your partner right now, that's a great opportunity to practice this, which is, what do you love to do? Do you love to play sport? Do you love to listen to music? Do you love to dance? Do you love to create? Do you love to draw? Do you love to paint? You need to make time for that. Regardless of how busy your business is or regardless of the demands of your life, you must have spaces where you're in play. And I want you to create that this week, and then do it for yourself. And then get creative with how you can create that with your partner, how you can explore that with your partner. Go on an activity and an adventure together. Bring back the joy that first brought you together. So reflect on that. How did you meet? What did you start doing on your first few dates? Go back to the source of what united you and your partner together originally. And that's what's going to start to unlock intimacy again and she's going to start to fall in love with, with you all over again when you do that. And I wanna make you aware of something as well, practically, because what my mind used to say to me was, you don't have time for this. The business is busy. There's other things you should be doing. When your mind says that I want you to interrupt, that I want you to lean on the fact that's actually the most important time that you should be creating joy in your life and examine your body throughout the day. Is there ease, is there joy and is there lightness in what you're doing? Because if there's not, that's the time you need to step back and give yourself permission to just release and relax and let go of whatever it is that you've been holding onto. Because that's the energy that you're projecting out into your relationship and that's what your partner's responding to. So you gotta let go of whatever the pressure is that you're holding onto. Because if you're holding onto this pressure and tension, then chances are it's gonna create passivity in your life. And that's the second thing that I became aware of and that I stopped doing was being passive with how I led, how I planned things, and how I initiated things with my partner. Because what I became aware of was that during these times when I was super busy in my business and I was burnt out and I was tired and I was exhausted, I what often happens, I wouldn't have the energetic availability to plan things, to organize things for her. She ended up going into her masculine energy, the one she's taking the charge of all the day to day kind of activities we were doing. So she's in her mind, she's in the control mode and you don't want your partner in that space for very long. So once I became aware of this dynamic that was happening, I started to initiate more dates, I started to plan more things, I started to take notice of all the little things that she liked, that she appreciated. Then I started going out of my way to show my love to her by creating moments that represented that I've been paying attention, that show that I've been paying attention. So your partner's is probably always saying to you little things that she wants, little things she loves, little things she's enjoying. And if she's not saying that, then start asking her like, hey, baby, what are your favorite foods? What do you love to eat? What you know, what do you wish you had more of? What do you wish you had left off? Get curious about some of these things in her, so you can start to take mental notes or put notes in your phone about how you can make her feel really special and then go ahead and plan these things and initiate these things. Because what I noticed for me was when I was deep in my work mode, sometimes I'd have this, like, mental fog where I just couldn't see anything else outside of my own kind of the own. My own stuff that was happening both in my business and my personal life. And I became quite selfish. So you want to break out of this selfish mentality by starting to get really interested in her, get really curious about what makes her come alive, and then you can start to show that to her by giving. Be generous with how you show your love to her, because ultimately that's what, that's what really lights women up, is when you can go out of your way and make. Prioritize these little things, very little things, like just opening doors for them, making sure you pick up, clean things up around the house, if that's what she appreciates most women do. So it's like these little aspects that you can start to notice where you can show your love and show your leadership to her. And that's ultimately going to start to bring back some of that. That. That attraction, or not just the attraction, but just the. It's going to bring back her appreciation in you. So I want you to remember this because you're not going to be able to do this if you're operating from a place of emotional depletion, if you're struggling with burnout, if you're struggling from all the exhaustion of all your activities throughout the day. So that means you're going to have to create some structure, set up some boundaries around your work, around your office hours, so that you've got availability, emotional availability to pour back into you for you to receive. So where your attention goes, that's where your energy is flowing. So if your attention is always on a screen, if it's always at a laptop, then your energy has been siphoned out of your body. And what I need you to prioritize is to create time where your attention goes back onto the body. So it could be meditation, it could like relaxing and sleeping a little bit more so that you have the availability to start to see possibilities through which you can show up for your partner. That just requires you being disciplined and structured with where your energy goes. So you're giving from the overflow, not from this place of depletion. Now, once you're out of that place of depletion, then you can start to prioritize having hard conversations. And this is the third thing that I stopped doing, which was avoiding hard conversations in my relationship. That started to bring us back to the place where we were thriving again. Now I want you to reflect, where in your relationship are you avoiding uncomfortable conversation just to keep the peace or because you don't want to face an uncomfortable truth? These are the things that are slowly eroding your connection. Because oftentimes it's the conflict or it's the uncomfortability of a hard conversation about your future, about how she's upset towards you, whatever it might be. If you address conflict, it actually brings you closer together on the other side. And there was a scenario a couple of years ago where man, my partner was still living in Lisbon and I was back home in Perth, Western Australia, and we're having some space in our relationship. She was again, like I said, exploring, hanging out with some new friends out there. And I was back home in the middle of winter. She was in a Portuguese summer going to festivals. And for the first time probably ever in our relationship, I started to feel like insecure. I started to kind of question, are we going to make it through here? Or is she. Is she going to cheat on me? Is she's going to meet some other guy? And I remember just like feeling really anxious about all of that and. And this version of me that at the time was like withholding a lot of this anxiety towards her or these fears and doubts towards her. So when we were getting on calls in the evening, I wasn't really connecting with her. And because we only had a short amount of time on our calls because of our time difference, our connection was quite low. And I was compounding this stress that I was feeling in my life. And I remember just going, I need to face this. I need to have this uncomfortable conversation with her. And when I told her the truth about what I was feeling and my fears and my concerns and my worries, but I also expressed like what I'm committed to stepping into to mend the relationship. We had this really hard conversation one evening where she started crying and started sharing with me that she felt guilty that she was having all this fun without me. And that conversation ended up being the catalyst for us shifting into a whole new place because we said what needed to be said. We had we brought what was in the dark into the light. And even though it was something, I wanted to avoid having that conversation, speaking my truth, but also owning the fact that I could have been showing up better and mapping out, or not just mapping up, but explaining to her how I was going to be different in the relationship so that she wouldn't be stuck in the situation again, feeling distant from me. That brought us so close. It opened up this new depth in our connection that reminded me that these are the conversations, like, through every single week. If there's something that is going unsaid, you must make it a priority to initiate a check in with your partner. That's what I call it, a relationship check in, where you put some time aside to be like, hey, let's sit down, let's discuss what we're feeling, how we feel. How are you feeling about this relationship? Is there anything you're afraid of or anything you're needing more or less of from me? And most importantly, as the man, go into that conversation, like, prepared to. If you have something that needs to be addressed, be aware of how you need to say it and what needs to be said. But if she is unhappy about something or you know that you're falling short in a certain area of the relationship, make sure you have a plan about how you're going to be different, how you're going to show up different so it doesn't stay stagnant, so things don't stay the way they are right now. So something practical I want to leave you with is when you're having a hard conversation, enroll them into the new possibility of what it can become available when you step into this. So here's something practical I want to leave you with when you're going to have a hard conversation with your partner. You want to practice the art of and enrollment, which is enroll your partner into new possibilities of what could become available when you're stepping into this new version of you. Okay. And then, most importantly, follow through on things that you say. If you say you're going to do something, make sure you follow through it. That integrity is something that she's really like, noticing. She's noticing how much you honor your word, and not just for her, for you. By honoring what you say, you're going to get so much more confidence and trust in yourself, and therefore she's going to get more trust in you. And then, most importantly, when you're having these hard conversations, help her feel safe, seen. And you can do that by validating, mirroring, reflecting, and empathizing when she's expressing her emotions to you. Do not interrupt, do not defend, do not try to fix them. Validate. Which is makes sense that you feel that way. Reflect. Hey, so this is what I'm hearing from you. Is this true? Empathize. Yeah, I get it. I understand why you feel that way. Start to practice saying those things and taking that position of really listening to your partner without interrupting or just trying to fix her problems. Be in your body and listen. And those are the ways. And you're really going to help her step into a new level of safety around you. So those are the three shifts. Stop taking business in life so seriously. Stop being passive with your love and leadership, and stop ignoring the hard conversations. And I promise you, bro, once you start to prioritize these little things, once you start to acknowledge that just because the relationship is going through a rough patch right now, just because you're struggling to find the spark and the joy again, it doesn't mean it's gone forever. You just go back to the fundamentals. Go back to the things you were doing when you first met, but then now start to incorporate this new level of understanding, this new level of awareness that shows the more that you take notice of other people, the more you notice these little things, the more you show care and admiration for the people that you really love in your life, the more they're going to get to pour back into you. Remember, like they're really tracking, if you're dating a woman, they're really tracking how they feel around you. So how safe do they feel in your presence? How open do they feel in your presence? Your presence gets to be the thing that provides the unlock. So the depth of your presence is really going to support all of this. So really looking your life, where are you falling asleep at the wheel? Where are you going unconscious? Where are you not? Are you not attentive to the things that are needed in that moment? Because the more you can bring that back, the more you're going to be this attuned, sensitive leader that she's really craving. Strong, calm, grounded, but sensitive. Okay, so again, go. Where are you desensitizing yourself? What are the habits that are not serving you right now? All of this plays into the three aspects that I just shared with you. Okay? Because once you take care of the moment to moment practice of trying to be in your body as best as possible, it becomes a lot easier to catch all the ways that maybe you're falling short in the relationship right now. So I want to reassure you, if you're taking in this knowledge, then you're already expanding the awareness. You're already stepping into new levels of leadership. So I commend you for that. If you want to go deeper. I have a community that's called the Relationship School. It's where men come together to be able to work on these things, to step into a new level of leadership for their partners. And you get tools, accountability, support, coaching, and all the resources and practices you need to do that. The link is in the description below, if you want to check that out. That's all from this video. If you want to go deeper into some of this stuff, check out this next video that I'll link up here. And I look forward to seeing you real soon.