SSS 187: How to stop being the nice guy & get respect from women

All right, nice guys, I'm talking to you, talking to you, and talking to a younger version of me here, too. Because in relationships, this will be an absolute killer. If you're stuck in this dynamic of compromising yourself constantly in order to please, in order to be approved of by your partner or someone else in your life. This is going to destroy your confidence, and it's going to destroy the attraction in the relationship, too. So in this video, we're going to be breaking down. How do we start to show up before ourselves or yourself? How do you set the right boundaries and how do you break this nice guy pattern? Well, number one is you. You understand, like, everything where it comes from. We understand the awareness. We understand the purpose of the nice guy pattern. Because remember, bro, it's not wrong or bad. It's not a dysfunction. It's not a know. It doesn't mean you're broken. This is actually an adaptation, the perfect adaptation that you needed to survive growing up. When you reframe it in that way, you can just start to have a better relationship with this part of you, because that's all it is. It's a part of you. A boy who survival strategy, not a flaw. So where this comes from, and you know, obviously the obvious main book in this, which would be a part of the recommended reading for this section, is no more Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover, which is. Breaks down this. This. This trait, which comes from in childhood, growing up and being given conditional love by your mom or by your dad, but in a sense, being told that you needed to be the good little boy, you know, little boys were seen but not heard, which is what my dad used to say to me growing up, you know, and. And just being told or. Or being disciplined through doing what you were told. And this built a Persona that is constantly chasing validation and approval through doing the right thing. So that means when you do the wrong thing or when you express yourself or you go out of the, you know, you go out of the box, that results in rejection and love being withdrawn from you. And in a sense, it also creates this avoidance of conflict. Because conflict or, you know, your mom or dad getting angry at you means that you're not. Being loved means that you're wrong or bad. And in a sense, as a little boy, you were boxed into this little package or this little, like, Persona that you did everything right to please and to keep his parents happy. But now as an adult, it's killing your power, it's killing your confidence, it's killing your masculinity. Because you've lost contact with what makes you, you, what you truly want, what truly you want to stand for in this world, right? And you know, this nice guy being the nice guy, it's. He's. They're not generous, you're not generous. If you're being nice, you're actually manipulative without realizing it because you're putting other people's needs ahead of your own, right? You give to get. You're saying yes to be like. Because sometimes you don't want to say yes. And if you're not being truthful, if you're not being real, then that's manipulation, you know, to. In order to get something that happens on a subtle level, right? So this desire for approval results in people pleasing that then ultimately results in resentment. Because if you put someone else ahead of you, your romantic partner, if you make them your priority, keeping them happy, your priority, let me not do that. Let me not hang out with the boys. Let me know, let me not start the business. Let me not go and pursue the thing that I love because my partner might get upset or they might get, they might think that I don't care about them. So you just decide to do everything for them at the cost of your own aliveness, at the cost of your own purpose. Then all of a sudden, bro, guaranteed, that's going to turn into resentment and you're going to feel, you're not going to be very fun to be around. When you're like that, she ain't gonna respect you either. You know, she might like you in the short term, but she's gonna disrespect you in the long term. And this creates this pattern of disconnection and shame. And when the shame's back there like it is for all nice guys, it just starts to eat away at you from the inside out. So understanding this, at the root of all of this is the fear of being wrong. The emotion that's connected to the fear of being wrong is shame. And the way we transcend out of that is allowing yourself to be seen in your fullest expression. Now it's what we do inside of the high level men's groups that I run, the retreats that I run is we do shame release exercises. You know, I don't do this in the larger group because this is co ed experience. It's not appropriate to be doing shame releases with men and women on these calls because it's quite big. But on the high level mastermind and entrepreneur calls that we do, we do shame releases because when a Man's able to be seen by other men. It transcends so much of the energetic layers that are back there. But in the short term, before you get to that, that kind of place in your journey, we're going to start to understand how do we start to set some boundaries or actually start to prioritize your internal truth so that you're not, you know, out there kind of compromising yourself continuously in order to be liked. Because boundaries aren't about controlling others, they're about managing self respect for yourself. Honoring and respecting what it is that you desire, want and need in this moment to moment process, but also what you need to fulfill your highest purpose as a man. Because your purpose needs to be number one. Let me reiterate that, put it in the screen here. Your purpose needs to be number one ahead of your relationship. Your relationship is not number one. Your family is not number one. Hard thing to say as well. Sometimes your kids aren't number one. Your purpose, what you've been put on this earth to express, to become, to connect with, to access, has to be number one. Because that's what allows you to be the man that can support, that can lead, that can guide your kids, your loved ones, your family in the most appropriate way. The moment you put someone else ahead of your expansion and development, you're limiting how much you can give to them. Okay, so now that does not mean that like you disregard the responsibility of showing up for your kids or showing up for your family or your loved ones and the duties that are bestowed upon you. But it does mean orchestrating or setting up your life in a way that allows you to nurture your highest callings, to nurture your highest expansion. It means respecting yourself enough to sometimes say no to the people who are grabbing at your, your attention and your energy, to honor your process. So that is the healthy warrior energy, right? If we think about this warrior energy as the, the part of you that can set boundaries to protect your innocence, to protect your joy, without that healthy warrior energy or archetype, people are going to just kind of take, take, take, and you're going to allow. And then a woman who witnesses that is not going to be able to trust that she wants you to take a stand for yourself. She doesn't want you betraying yourself and abandoning yourself all the time to please her. So that, and that's what happens when you put the relationship first, when you put her first. You're saying that your needs are more important than mine. You know, like low key. She doesn't want that it's like, I can't remember where this analogy was in a book. It might have been the way of the superior man or something. But he was talking about when a man goes off the wall. Back in the day, when a man was called to go to war, his partner, if his partner begged and was like, I don't want you to go. Please stay, please stay. And the man just said, you know what, love, you're right. I'm going to stay. I'm not going to go to war. I'm going to stay here and be with. Be with you. She would actually disrespect him. She would lose the admiration for her man because all of a sudden. And this might happen on an unconscious level, too, he just put her ahead of his highest mission and purpose. And for a lot of men back then, the highest purpose and mission that he had was to serve his country, to serve his people through going to war. And by a man not following that highest mission or purpose, it would actually disconnect or disrupt the polarity or the attraction that his woman would have for him. A woman, even though she may not directly say it, she indirectly, indirectly wants you to pursue your highest calling. Be the man that goes out there and claims the thing, claims the thing that he really desires in this world. Okay? So healthy boundaries are rooted in that awareness. You know, they're knowing what's true for you, knowing what it is that you truly want, and being able to communicate calmly and respectfully without defensiveness or explosiveness or justification while you're doing what you're doing. Sometimes you don't need to justify anything. It's like, this is what I want. This is what I need right now. This is what's going to serve my highest purpose right now. And you enforce, or you may need to consistently reaffirm or remind people in your life that, hey, this is something that I won't compromise on anymore, and it's for the greater good. Sometimes, like these things that you prioritize are for the greater good of your relationship and your family because it's supporting you in becoming the best version of yourself. So it's not a wall, boundaries in a wall. It's a fence that lets your partner know where your home begins. Okay, you got to know yourself, bro. Your home is your body. Your home is your connection with source energy, your connection with God, your connection with the divine, however you want to call that, that home needs to be nurtured and protected. So as a reference point, just for you, some weak boundaries that nice guys and Keep in mind, like, this is a pattern that I've, you know, been consciously, intentionally trying to overcome throughout my entire journey. Like, this nice guy patent was something I struggled with growing up. Now, my dad was really strict and disciplined on me and I always did what I was told. And, you know, in a sense, I lost myself in the process. You know, I ended up, like, studying to become an accountant, you know, studying to pursue a career. That was not really what I desired at all because I had no connection with what I desired. I was so incongruent with what my soul was put on this earth to do. So that process that I've gone through these last 10 years, I guess, has been really about understanding me and knowing what boundaries I need to set in my life to honor that home that I have within here. That is the number one priority, you know, my connection with Source and the Divine. So avoiding conflict to keep the peace, saying yes to be liked, seeking permission from someone else or something else, collapsing in the heat of the moment, collapsing when you're being tested and reacting and shutting down are all signs of just like, weak boundaries. Strong boundaries are really where you express yourself early. If there's something you're not happy about, something that's upsetting you, something that's on your mind or on your heart, you express it immediately and you step into the conf. The confrontation. You. You don't seek confrontation, but you embrace confrontation. That's the sign of a man who is grounded in his masculinity. That healthy warrior energy. Cs, yes, when he means it, communicates his decisions, says what he means and means what he says, and holds a frame, calmly responds with clarity. These are things that I want you to start to take note of and look at in your life where maybe where you're not stepping into that. And, you know, I've developed a bit of a script for you to practice here when it comes to saying no. Because saying no sometimes is the hardest thing. If you're a recovering people pleaser and you can use things like this, acknowledge that. Number one, I get that, you know, you wanted to, you know, you wanted me to spend time with your family over the weekend. I understand why that's important to you. But then you state your truth, but you know, that doesn't feel aligned for me right now, or like, I can't, I just can't prioritize that right now. Or the truth is, you know, I need to prioritize these things in my life to support my mission and my purpose. And then you reassure them at the end. I still care and really want us to spend quality time with your family next week, or I still care and really want us to spend some time with your. Your loved ones, you know, later in the week or whatever it might be, you're reassuring that you're not disregarding something that's really important to her. Now, keep in mind, bro, there's so much nuance to this, right? Like sometimes the nuance between a duty, because sometimes family stuff can become a duty to be there for your family in a way that is supportive for, you know, nurturing the. You know, the connection with your relationship with your loved one. But your mom and your dad and your siblings or whatever, and I would just invite you to bring nuance and discretion to. When you choose to say no to certain things, deep down, you know. You already know. Deep down, I would come back to, are you sacrificing yourself for someone else? Are you sacrificing yourself to keep the peace or to keep someone else happy? That's usually when it's time to say no. Okay? But if you've been working flat out, you've been prioritizing your mission and your purpose, and you're like, you know, you're doing it, you're doing the thing, and then your partner requests you to hang out with your family for one weekend, or your brother just wants some quality time with you or your mom, maybe it's time to honor that and be there for them in that way. So use the discretion there. Okay? But I'm under the assumption that you're probably in the other camp where you're saying yes too much. And this is where I want you to kind of prioritize you a little bit. So here's the script kind of in its wholeness and its completeness. I get that you'd love to come for me to come to your family dinner every week, but I just need this Sunday night for myself to reset. I love you and I want to. I'll see them next week. Knows leadership when it's grounded in clarity, not control. Grounded in clarity, not control. You're just taking a stand for what you need to be the best version of you. And just know that there will be some resistance to this guilt, fear that, and like the thought that she's going to be mad at me. Yeah, she probably will. In the short term, she probably will. But remember, in the long term, she's going to respect you because you're respecting yourself. And you only get respect from other people when you've prioritized respect for yourself in this way. Okay? Remember that? So like I just said, starting to set boundaries. And if you're not used to doing this, it's going to trigger other people because they're so used to just taking, taking, taking, getting everything that they want and need from you immediately. So when you start to say no to people, it's going to like be a patent interrupt for that. Gonna be like, oh, well, all of a sudden, fuck Jimmy. Jimmy's all of a sudden taking his space and he's not, he's not there or anytime that I want him. That might upset some people, but know that their response or their reaction is the perfect testing ground for you to start to practice holding your frame, holding your truth, knowing that this is for the greater good, even though they might be upset. And that's when you can practice some of the other frameworks. Mirroring, empathizing and saying calm under fire in those moments when conflict arises, because it probably will. And I want you to just embrace and accept that that's a sign of growth. It's not a sign that your relationship's failing or that relationship's on rocky ground. It's a sign that you're growing. Because now all of a sudden you're being tested to capacitate, to relax into this new level of intensity in your life through you taking up more space. And that's how you overcome this people pleasing, nice guy tendency. Okay, so reframing the guilt is growth. If there's guilt coming up. Guilt is what you feel when you break the habit of self abandonment. Want you to let that sink in. Guilt is what you feel when you break the habit of self abandonment. Embrace it when it comes up. It's necessary, absolutely necessary. So the nice guy seeks approval. You know, you can't lead with love if you're leading from fear. Simple as that. The grounded man gives respect to himself first. The world respects a man who knows his limits and honors his word. You know, it goes without saying here, respect and integrity is really the core of this, which is if you internally know an integrity can be a whole nother masterclass. And it is inside of the high level men's groups that I run with where we bring on, we actually spend a whole week focusing on integrity because it's so significant in your level of, you know, trust, your level of wholeness, your level of confidence in how you operate through the world, which, in other words, it's knowing when you need something, saying when you need something and then doing what you need. It's like aligning Your actions with your words, the highest level of self respect. And people feel a man who has a high level of integrity, so that the inverse is also true. If you're saying things, if you're saying to yourself, I need to do this more, I need to meditate more, I need to overcome this pattern, I need to stop drinking, but you're not doing it, then your confidence is really low because of that. It's being infected because you're not following through in your words. So integrity is a huge part of this. And as a part of the integration process for this week, I really want you to start to think about the area of your life, relationship, work, your friends and family, whatever it might be, where you're saying yes when you really mean no, what you're afraid of happening if you say no, how it's making you feel currently and what boundaries need to be set. And remember that you know, the real growth here is through taking action, taking stock in this way, taking some action, getting some feedback, learning to be in the fire and the discomfort of maybe some people getting angry at you, upset at you. Just know, that's all. Okay. This is a part of you stepping into this new level of leadership. So go ahead, use the notion template integration tool below, fill it out and share in the community. Something that you overcome, stepping into this. Because I know there's a lot of growth here for you in this process, bro. I respect and admire your courage. You're doing great. Keep the process going and we'll see you in the next video. Let's get it.