SSP 087: Weekly Lesson - Building A Stronger Relationship With Yourself

Hey, what's going on, guys? It's Jordan Kanlis here, speaker, coach and founder of State Shifters. And you're listening to the State Shifters Podcast, a show designed to help conscious achievers master their internal state and break free from the limiting patterns that are keeping them stuck. So you can live a life of passion, purpose and freedom. And on this podcast, you're going to receive everything you need to evolve physically, emotionally, spiritually. And you're going to be getting the tools, the strategies, the live coaching interviews, all, all from conscious creators who are also living their purpose and leaving their mark on the world. And really, it's my belief that we're all capable of greatness. And once we have the courage to own our pain and learn the lessons from our past, we can create a future built around our purpose. And my intention with this show is to really give you the resources you need to help to tap into your unique soul mission and really live life from a beautiful state of being. So with that being said, if you want more tools, resources or guidance in your journey and head on over to stateshifters.com if you want to join my free Facebook community, you can click the link in the show description. And if you're interested in getting help from me or some mentoring, if you want to accelerate your evolution and move beyond these limiting patterns that are holding you back, feel free to drop me an email jordanstateshifters.com or you can head on over to the website stateshifters.com work with me and we can tee up a call. So without further ado, guys, enjoy. Take a today's episode. Welcome to the State Shifters Podcast, a show dedicated to helping you discover your true potential through connecting the mind, body and soul. What's happening, guys? You know, the lessons that I'm going to be sharing with you this week have come off the back of one week in lockdown out here in Perth, Western Australia. And I just moved into a new place. If you watched my live last week, you would have seen that and the kind of lessons that I took from being at home in lockdown. My girlfriend was forced to work from home as well, so we were in a one bedroom apartment, you know, not too much space in here and I got a lot of lessons from that. And I know a lot of people around the world right now have been in lockdown for a longer period in time and perhaps you've been forced to be around family members, loved ones for maybe longer than what you used to. Maybe your work is sort of like your ability the work is the outlet to just get some space in your life. Maybe the gym was your outlet, or maybe your social outings were your outlet. And now we've lost all these outlets. And what's coming to the surface is a real test, you know, a real test in our relationships. So the lesson and what I'm going to be talking about today is going to be all about relationships and how to kind of strengthen those relationships in a time when they're really being tested. So this all is going to circle back to the relationship that you have with yourself, because that sets the foundation for all other relationships. I've made some notes on some key points that I want to address today in this live. And like I said, if there's anything that you've gone through over the last few months around relationships, and maybe you struggle to maintain a sense of connection in your relationships, hopefully today's life will give you some insights on how to re establish that connection. So the first thing I wanted to start with is, like I said, you know, your relationships are being tested, meaning the relationship with yourself is really being tested. If you're working from home, if you're doing more things at home with less outlets, that means we're actually being forced to look at all the parts of ourselves that maybe we've ignored, distracted from, or numbed in the past. Now, what happens in our other relationships is if we're around someone, a family member or a loved one, and we. We haven't addressed the deficiency or the block inside of ourselves, what will happen is we will subconsciously or sometimes consciously because I've done this before, just start blaming or being in resistance or starting to get irritated by the people around us. You ever felt that before? You know, felt like just irritated by someone else's presence or you just, you're just in a shit mood and you don't even know why, that's usually because you haven't spent enough time with yourself to be with whatever's down there that needs attention. And what happens in the past, before lockdown, before COVID whenever we would, like, feel this irritation, be like, oh, fuck it, we'll just go, go hang out with mates. Or I'll go, like go to the bar, or let's just go to the gym. Let's just go to all the outlets so we don't have to sit with this, like, uncomfortableness, this discomfort that's down there. But what's happening now is the discomfort's been projected. It's been projected outwards. And I'm sharing this Cause I noticed this in myself. So this is something that I brought a lot of awareness to and something I'm inviting you to start with. And that's the first pillar in having a solid relationship with yourself is to have self awareness so you have an opportunity to reflect. And maybe just watching this live is your catalyst. Maybe it's the reminder for you to reflect on. Okay, what are the areas in my life right now where maybe I'm not quite happy or I'm upset about or the areas in my relationships where I don't feel complete or I don't like what that person does, or I don't like when they're, when they do this. Where in my life right now am I upset or unhappy? Self awareness. So we check back in with, okay, what is it about that that's triggering me? What does that trigger? Where do I feel that? What do I feel? A lot of us sometimes it's just so cut off from feeling, we don't even know what's getting triggered. So how can you even know what to give yourself if you're not even aware of the fact that you're pulling around? This stuck energy is stuck emotion. So self awareness is key. And one of the ways you do that is journaling. I'll journal, I'll write down things that I'm noticing in myself. One of the other ways I do that is I have a coach. You know, I have constant check ins where I'm getting the light shined on areas that I might be missing or overlooking or that I can't see. So you want to start to have outlets where you can reflect when you can express in a safe way what it is that you're feeling. Must first have the ability to check in with yourself. What do you feel on a moment to moment basis? You know what, like it's, it's just setting up something in your day where you can have regular check ins. And I try to do this like as often as possible. What am I feeling right now? Is my energy coming from a place of fear? Is it coming from love? Like they're the two, the two sources, right? You'll know when you come from love, you know, you're coming from fear, you know, and just checking with that. Am I coming from love right now? Am I coming from fear? If you're coming from fear, then we move on to the next step in your relationship with yourself with this, which is self responsibility. No acknowledging of the fact that hey, I'm, I'm afraid there's, there's fear energy Coming out of me right now. Fear energy often manifests in different forms. Anger, resentment, jealousy, anxiousness. You know, fear is manifested in different forms. So I'm just saying fear is a blanket term for all the other negative emotions that we've labeled as things we don't want to feel. So you feel this negative fear energy, we take full responsibility for that. Meaning, hey, this is my stuff. This emotion that I'm carrying out is, is inside of me. And it's got actually nothing to do with the, the person I'm around. It's got nothing to do with the personal situation that may have triggered it. So what that does is when you take full responsibility for your emotions and what you feel moment to moment, what that does is something really, really powerful. You get to reclaim your power back. So when you reclaim your power, you say, hey, I'm in charge of what I feel. I'm not at mercy to some external environment, person, a virus, anything. I'm in charge of my emotional state. So when you have the power to make decisions consciously, to actually sit with and be with and actually feel, what happens is you become bulletproof to your environment. You become bulletproof to the people who might be triggering you around you. Taking back your power is one of the most powerful things you can do. Just think about it. The minute you say, oh fuck, you know, that person always pissed me off. I can't hang around them or this, this virus is stopping me from doing the things I want to do. This virus is stopping me from being the person I want to be. You just given your power away to all things external. Now there is, there is no one making you feel anything. It's you allowing yourself to feel something. So self responsibility is one of the most important things. You are responsible for what you feel moment to moment. You are responsible for this life that you've created around you. No one else. So if you just sit for a second, go, hey, if I'm responsible and everything around me is a result of what I've chosen to feel, the minute you take responsibility, it means you can change it at any point in time. Just slow down, stop, be, feel something, feel into that, what do you want to feel instead? If you're not happy with what you have around you, just change what you feel. Because your external life is a manifestation of your internal emotional state, moment to moment. So join the dots there. Self responsibility gives you your power back. It gives you the ability to choose something different. If you don't have it, if you're not happy with it, with your life Take responsibility first for the life you've created. So back into the context of relationships. If you get triggered by someone, it's your first step to catch the trigger and then acknowledge that, hey, this is my stuff. You just happen to be the messenger. The person who triggered you just happens to be the messenger to shine the light on something inside of you that, that's not free yet. Something inside of you that's still holding fear energy. Make sense. So you actually get to. If you have a high level of self awareness and presence in the moment, you can actually thank that person. But thank you. You've just shined the light on something that I'm not complete with on the inside. Do you mind if I take five minutes and come back to this conversation? Do you mind if I just step outside for a moment? I've just got to be with this emotion that's coming up. That's the, that's the, that's the level of consciousness you can bring to a relationship. When you have self awareness and self responsibility. Right. The next stage, the next thing is really important. The next thing that I, that I'm gonna really. And then you hear about this a lot. It's self love. So so far, but self awareness, self responsibility and self love. So once you have the self love piece in place, you, you can take the break, you can step away from whatever's triggered you, whatever's upset you. Maybe it's this whole fucking Covid thing. And it's triggered me a lot. Last, last week wearing the mask, I can step away and look at, okay, what's coming up inside of me that is unhappy, that's scared, that's afraid. How can I give love to this part of me? What does this part of me need so that this fear energy can be nurtured and supported so I can return back to love. This is so, so important because once you can kind of dig a little bit deeper to understand that self love goes far beyond just a mental concept of indulging yourself in certain activities. Self love is a true intimate connection that you build with yourself. This level of intimacy that you can create with yourself through spending time with yourself actually sets the tone for all other relationships. It sets the tone for all the energy that you bring to the people around you. So once you have that ability to know, this is what I need right now to return back to love, you have a powerful level of awareness in your, in your being. Now you've got a bunch of. I've shared so many tools in the past around how to access A deeper connection with yourself. Things such as yoga, meditation, breathwork, journaling, spending time in nature, anything that allows you to get beyond your mind to back into the body where you can really experience the feeling state that life's bringing up inside of you. Having self love was something that completely changed everything for me. It's one of the core pillars of having a strong relationship with yourself is knowing how to give love to yourself. Recently one of the ways I've been doing it is like I've got into qigong a lot recently. I love, I love waking up first thing and doing qigong early in the morning because it's such a gentle way of waking up the body. And to me it's a form of self love. And there's one practice in qigong where you're literally just touching yourself, you're moving your hands down your body, you're touching your arms, you grab your balls, you give your hands down your legs and you just, you just gently touch yourself. And that form of self love is you getting intimate with what you feel. That is the simplest way of defining self love. Get intimate with yourself and understand what it is that you feel. Because when you know yourself so well, you'll know very quickly when there's something inside that's not happy. And when you have practices that are foundational pillars in your life, routines that set you up to just start the day with yourself and the day with yourself and throughout the day have check ins, you really start to have just a strong connection, a self connection. And you know when you're connected with yourself, you'll be at a whole capacity for other people, you'll have energy on the inside to give, you'll be able to go out to life and you know, if you're stuck at home with your family, you have capacity, you'll have extra energy, you'll feel complete, you'll feel whole. And when you're in that state, the people around you benefit. It's so important. So the next pillar that I've identified in the relationship with yourself that's really, really important is self accountability. Self accountability is the, is the commitment that allows you to maintain practices, the things you know you should be doing that are going to support you in this, in this growth, in this journey. How can you keep yourself accountable to make sure you're actually following through and doing them? Self accountability is something that a lot of people think they need. I need accountability from someone else. But if, when you can have self accountability, when you can hold yourself to a high standard to know, hey, I'm not, I don't skip meditation, I don't skip my time with myself. I don't. This is a non negotiable activity in my day. When you have that level of self accountability, it's a standard that gets created in your life and other people will start to feel that. They'll feel the energy in your voice when you, when you keep the promises you make to yourself and have really high standards. That level of accountability creates an energetic shift and then comes back to any form of teacher, coach, leader, anyone that you look up to. You'll be able to feel in their energy the level of standards they're living in their life. You know, the people who don't have confidence are the ones that just don't know how to follow through on their promises. They know what they should be doing, but they're falling prey to the instant pleasures. Self accountability really is the pillar, is the pillar that keeps it all together, that keeps you consistent. But consistency is the name of the game. You could listen to this, what I'm sharing through you right now and apply it and go off and do the practices and develop the self awareness. But doing it once is not enough. It must be consistent to develop consistency, you must have accountability with yourself. Right? And to have that accountability really for me helps to check in with why am I doing this? Why is it important for me to have a connection with myself? Why is it important for me to protect my energy? Why is it important for me to show up the way that I want to show up? And when you have that level of purpose dialed in, the why dialed in, thinking about, hey, these, this person needs me at my best. You know, all the world needs me at my best. The world needs me to take a stand or if I don't take a stand, if I don't have accountability, what does that, what does that future look like? What direction am I heading if I'm not maintaining these practices? It looks pretty grim right now. If you don't have accountability, it's looking pretty fucking dark. Because we've all been there, we know how miserable that is because there ain't much to look forward to right now. But if you can have accountability, if you can spend time with yourself to nourish, support, process and integrate or everything that's coming up right now can guarantee it. On the other side of all of this is a new evolved version of yourself and a new evolved version of the planet and the world because we're all heading to the same destination. But how you get to that Destination is up to you. There's one more thing I want to add that I want to mention that came up in a coaching session that I had with one of my coaches. And one of the things he said was just give up trying. He said, just stop trying is what he said, Coach. I was like, yeah, fuck, what does he mean by that? And it got me thinking because he said, if you just stop trying so hard in personal development, think about it. We're all trying really hard, especially myself. I love trying hard. I'll get all the fucking practice, do all the things, read all the books, do all the stuff. But when we just stop trying, we're forced to be with that underlying fear of losing control. Sometimes all the trying and all the obsessiveness with having to get everything right is actually a coping mechanism because we don't want to face a fear that we're going to lose control. So that was so big for me. And, you know, if you're anything like me, if you're like an ambitious person, if you're someone who likes to be better and achieve and become. Become the best version of yourself, you know, it's very hard to just stop trying. Like to wake up one day like, yeah, I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna sit and I'll do anything today and let life just, like, move through me and actually show me all these fears, these fears and unworthiness, all these fears that I'm gonna not. Not have figured out, or all these fears I'm gonna run out of time or money or whatever it is. That's actually the most powerful way you can do. So I'll only know it's time to take action, to move forward, to be relentless in my pursuits. When I know the energy is coming from love, it's the only reason why I can jump on this live today. If my energy was coming from fear, I wouldn't get on here because I have an alternative motive. I'm only able to take action from love when I take time to just stop trying for a second. So I really want to leave you guys with that. If you're on a journey like this with me, then it's so powerful to know when it's time to stop trying, knowing when it's time to stop taking forward action and maybe to take the being action. Just be with the fear. Be with what you experience, moment to moment, because life will bring it up. You know, life is gonna bring to surface whatever it is that you're trying to run from. It's gonna bring it up just in roundabout ways. So are you coming from fear? Are you coming from love? And that's your indicator as to what kind of action you want to take. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna leave it there, guys. The final thing is if you resonated with what I shared around building a stronger relationship with yourself and some of those core pillars that I mentioned, I'm gonna be diving deeper into this on Wednesday evening or Thursday morning Perth time. If you're in. If you're in Western Australia, I'm going to be doing a free workshop where I'm going to show you deeper into how to actually solidify and build a stronger connection with yourself. It's going to be a free, free workshop masterclass. I'm going to host it on Zoom. If you want to sign up for that or if you want to register for that, click the link in my bio. The Zoom link is in there. You can sign up. I'm going to be going deeper into this because I feel like this is the time. This is the time to strengthen your connection with yourself because the world needs it, your other relationships need it. All your other relationships are based upon this connection. So if you want to dial in your energy, if you're ready to move into love and out of fear, I'm going to be sharing everything in that workshop. So check out the link in my bio if you're listening on the podcast. It'll be in the podcast description as well. Guys, thank you so much. I hope you have an amazing start to your week. It's going to be a massive week and we'll be in touch. More content coming soon. Take care. Much love. Bye for now. Foreign. There we have it, guys. Thanks so much for listening to this episode. And yeah, look, if you made it this far, cool. Here's my voice again in your ear and I'm gonna make one more request for you is go ahead and subscribe and leave a comment on the podcast page because I'm really putting a lot of focus and attention on getting this podcast out to more people because I know what I'm putting in here can serve and bring value to people and it would mean a lot if you got value from this to leave some feedback and subscribe so you stay up to date with what's coming up and as always, follow me on Instagram and love hearing from you. It's at State Shifters until the next episode. Guys, thank you so much and I appreciate you.