SSP 091: Weekly Lesson - Relationships 101

Hey, what's going on, guys? It's Jordan Kanlis here, speaker, coach and founder of State Shifters. And you're listening to the State Shifters Podcast, a show designed to help conscious achievers master their internal state and break free from the limiting patterns that are keeping them stuck. So you can live a life of passion, purpose and freedom. And on this podcast, you're going to receive everything you need to evolve physically, emotionally, spiritually. And you're going to be getting the tools, the strategies, the live coaching interviews, all, all from conscious creators who are also living their purpose and leaving their mark on the world. And really, it's my belief that we're all capable of greatness. And once we have the courage to own our pain and learn the lessons from our past, we can create a future built around our purpose. And my intention with this show is to really give you the resources you need to help to tap into your unique soul mission and really live life from a beautiful state of being. So with that being said, if you want more tools, resources or guidance in your journey, head head on over to stateshifters.com if you want to join my free Facebook community, you can click the link in the show description. And if you're interested in getting help from me or some mentoring, if you want to accelerate your evolution and move beyond these limiting patterns that are holding you back, feel free to drop me an email jordanstateshifters.com or you can head on over to the website stateshifters.com workwithme and we can tee up a call. So without further ado, guys, enjoy. Take a today's episode. Welcome to the State Shifters Podcast, a show dedicated to helping you discover your true potential through connecting the mind, body and soul. Hello guys. Dropping in here to do a quick live on a Monday morning titled Today's Live Relationships 101. I felt called to share more content around relationships over the last few months and I thought I would dedicate a live to that topic. Exactly. And if you've been following my content, you'll see I've actually posted a lot more videos on relationships recently because I've actually found that there's such common patterns that you start to notice in life when you go deep within yourself and then you start to guide and support others on their journey as well. And all of it comes back to relationships and how you relate. How you relate with yourself is how you relate with other people in life. So it's all kind of interlinked, it's all interconnected. So I've really felt called to share more content on relationships. As I'm going through a process and going deeper with my relationships and understanding myself better, I'm getting a lot of good insights from that. So what I want to start with today is I've got a few key things that I want to address when it comes to understanding how to go deeper with yourself, but then also how to support the people around you who are maybe on that journey as well. If you're relating with, with people, they are on that journey with you as well, whether you realize it or not. And oftentimes we can make some fundamental mistakes when going into relationships that I want to talk about first of all, because, you know, the first mistake I see most people making relationships is we go in chasing or requiring or needing someone to fulfill us, someone to make us feel whole. Now that that energy is coming from a place of fear. And I've just shared a real just now about, you know, becoming very aware of when you're, you're going into relationships with fear energy. I need this person, or they have to be like this or they have to do this. They need to make me happy. That fear energy is always coming from a part of us that's afraid of being alone. Now this, this inherent fear is sort of inside all of us as human beings, right? And the quicker we can start to be with that part of us that's just generally afraid that we're going to be alone and we're not going to be loved, the more we can go inward and be with that part of ourselves, the more we have capacity to contain wholeness, the more we have capacity to overflow love into the people around us. If we do not sit with and address the part of us that's just generally afraid that we're not going to be loved, then what happens is we start latching on to things outside of us. We start to feel anxious or worried when people leave us. We start to, you know, develop toxic habits or toxic traits that, you know, eventually start to repel people away. And I want to talk about this. I want to tell you a little story of how I came to this realization in my journey, in my process. And I was very fortunate back when I was growing up, going through high school here, when I started in grade nine. In grade nine, I remember falling, like in childhood, like, like schoolyard love. I was in love with this girl and I was dating her for like, most of my high school journey. And when I came out of high school around 17, we were still dating. But the I Remember the intensity of that relationship. It was so, so deep at such a young age. And, you know, I've actually observed a lot of people go through such intense relationships just later on in life, and they're actually receiving the same lessons. But I got to receive these lessons when I was 17 or 18. In this deep relationship, the feelings are so strong, and I noticed all these patterns showing up. I didn't really notice them at the time because I was in it, but afterwards I could see, I got to see and look at all these patterns in my life where I was attached, where I was needing, where I. Where there was jealousy, where there was envy, where there was anger, where there was shame, where there was embarrassment, a lot of sexual shame. Sometimes that would come up for me that I've been processing from that first relationship. A lot of feelings of unworthiness, not feeling good enough. This is all around 17, 18. And as I went through that process, I realized it was so painful when I remember breaking up with this girl at 18. And I was. I was crying. I remember I was like, my heart was broken. It hurt so much. It was so much pain. And. And I remember that was the first catalyst that cracked me open, that cracked open my mind to looking, to seek. There's got to be another way to process this pain. There's got to be another way I can't be so attached to this person. So it was in the pain that created the awakening on my journey at 18 was in the pain that allowed me to start to look for other ways to understand myself better so that I wasn't so attached and confined to this person who I thought I needed to be happy. So that. That first realization there, that relationships are actually the catalyst for all awakenings. They're there to make you more conscious that there to make you more aware. So if you can look at that from that lens, that your relationships are all there to support you in just going deeper within yourself. So for me, that first relationship really opened me up to understanding myself so much more deeply on an intimate level. It allowed me to spend time with the parts of me that didn't feel good enough, that felt unworthy, that didn't feel like I was worthy of having another person in my life. So that process obviously evolved over time, but what it's allowed me to now take with me was in my next relationship, I had a level of understanding. And this is what I want to talk about first, right? Self, awareness, knowing yourself. I had a level of understanding of myself, of what it was that was important to Me what it was that I valued. You know, these, these things that are so critical when you go into a relationship with someone, when you start to spend time with someone, you got to understand what, what's important to you, what are your values? Like what are you unwilling to compromise? That question changes everything. So when you first get clear on yourself, you have self awareness, you understand yourself, then, then you can relate and connect with someone. Be like, hey, this stuff is really important to me. Can we check in, can we tell me what's important to you? What, what's high on the list for you? So, so I know what's your number one priorities? And like in my case, I realized the things that were important to me was my health, was my love and connection with myself, was my purpose, my passions. These things were so important to me that, you know, I knew now in a relationship I had to be supported in these areas, otherwise it just wasn't a good fit. What happens is sometimes we engage in relating with people and then we realize there's miscongruent values. The values don't line up. And then later in the relationship we lose the spark and the other person not even supporting us, we don't feel supported by that person because we haven't communicated clearly what's important to us in the relationships. So that level of communication is key that can only come from knowing and understanding yourself on a deep, deep level. So when you know you and understand yourself, when you know what's important to you, when you know what you're, what you're not willing to compromise, then then you can actually say with certainty what you won't tolerate. So these, these two important questions that I want to emphasize for you guys. What are you unwilling to compromise and what will you not tolerate? So compromise, meaning these are my values, these are the things in my life that are really important to me. I will not compromise on these things. If the person you're spending time with is asking you to compromise your values, then it's time to assess, is this a good fit? Is this relationship going to serve me? The tolerate. What you're not willing to tolerate is a certain way of being treated is a certain way of someone speaking to you, right? Most people will tolerate being treated like shit because they treat themselves like shit on the inside. They think, they subconsciously think that's what they deserve, right? You, you will get treated in your relationships as an exact mirror of how you treat yourself on the inside. Meaning if you don't spend any time with yourself, if you don't Spend time with that inner child that feels like she's afraid and not good enough and feels unworthy. If you don't spend time connecting with that part of you, then how can you expect anyone else to spend good quality time with you and love you and treat you with respect? You must, must prioritize yourself first because once you do that, your self worth goes through the roof. And you, you are, your level of tolerance for any behavior or anything that doesn't align with love will be a lot higher. And I say this, I say this with certainty and conviction because I've coached a lot of people who tolerated being treated poorly for too long in their relationship because of, because of them not prioritizing themselves. And I know this is very common in society. Like I see people in relationships where it's so unhealthy, it's toxic, but it's what they subconsciously feel like they deserve to break out of that you must prioritize yourself. It's like it's always full circle. The relationship with yourself is the representation of the relationships you have with other people. Hope this is making sense, guys. So the other one is your limits, like knowing your limits, knowing your capacity, like as a man in a relationship. You know, female and males, we engage differently in relationships. So knowing your limit as a, as a partner is how much capacity can you bring moment to moment. If you're, if you don't have energetic capacity to hold and support and be with your partner when they're going through a process, then, then it's, then it's your responsibility to communicate that this is a mistake. I've made a lot, a lot in the past, guys. Right? So in my current relationship, I've been dating my partner Amanda for, fuck, must be like five years now. It's been a while. She's from Canada, I'm from Australia. I met her out there when I studied on exchange out in Toronto. We met. Never expected to stay together. And then next thing you know, I moved back to Australia. She was still in Canada. We decided to do long distance. So we did long distance for about seven months. Was a very challenging period and I learned a lot about myself during that time. But then when Amanda moved out to Australia to live with me, then the relationship got another test. We got to feel into and experience what it's like living with each other at such a young age. Right. So early in the relationship, we moved in with each other would have been about 20, 22, 23 when she moved out here and she moved in with my, with my Family and my family home. Right. The test that came up from that, around knowing my limits and knowing how to communicate, what it was that I needed was, was so crucial in me going to the next step in my journey as a being evolving on this planet, but also the evolution of our relationship. Okay, So I feel right now, if you're relating with someone, if you're looking to get in a relationship, you will cap out as to how much growth you can receive when you're not living together, when you're not sharing a space, you can cap out in growth. Because there's another layer of communication that shows up when you're living together. And if you can see, like this, this, this apartment that I'm in now, like this, this ain't very big. Like this is. There's a one, one bedroom apartment. My girlfriend's at work right now. But what's actually had to happen since we've moved into it, a tighter space is even more communication around space boundaries. What it is that I need, how can I ensure that I have capacity for her when I want to listen and be present when she comes home? And that's really coming down to your energy. How are you managing your energy? Right back to knowing yourself. If you know that at the end of the day, after a hard day's work, you're quite drained, your energy's drained, then you know when your partner comes home, you're not going to be able to give full presence to them. You know that the quality of interaction is going to be decreased. And what, what I've realized is the quality of your relationships comes down to the quality of energy you can bring to the other person. Right? The level of, like, connection. Am I present? Can I feel her? Or am I in my head thinking about all the work I got to do tomorrow or the work I got to do tonight? Or maybe I'm just like so exhausted from the day, I'm just like bouncing around thinking, so you can live with another person, but you can just be like coexisting with that person if you're not bringing a quality of energy to the interaction. To bring a quality of energy to that interaction, you must, you must communicate your needs. You must communicate and have limits around. This is what I need today. I need to step out and be alone for an hour. I need to go meditate or do some breath work for a little bit. I need to step out and go for a walk, babe. Do you mind if I just put my headphones on for a minute and just like get connected with Myself. This level of communication is so key and it comes back to self awareness, to knowing your needs. Right. Knowing that my inner child has certain needs based on my patterns growing up. Your needs will be different based on how you learn to receive love growing up around your parents. So you kind of notice your needs are sculpted by your parents and how you first started relating in those first seven years of your life. Yeah. So you know, if you're, if your parents are unconscious, meaning they haven't done the inner work, you kind of see the patterns or you'll see the impact of not communicating needs just by observing your parents relationships. And if you don't do this work, you'll actually just manifest the same sort of patterns in your relationships as your parents have. So I'm very aware of those patterns in my life and how I do not want them to show up in my current relationships. So hope that's making sense. You know, give me some engagement. If anyone's, if anyone's following me, still engage. If, you know, maybe you're not even in a relationship and you're starting to like tune into this stuff and it's, it's super powerful because, you know, you actually are in a relationship. You know, if you think you're not in a relationship, then you're missing the most important relationship that there is and that's the one with yourself. You're always, always dating yourself. You're always spending time with this, this, this thing in the head, the thoughts that you're having, you're, you're dating that person, you're dating yourself all the time. So if you're not technically with someone else, you're with yourself. So let's get curious as to how you can improve the quality of that relationship. Because then when it is time for someone to show up in your life, if this relationship is strong and you've got so much love for yourself, guess what? The love that you get to share and experience with other person goes to a whole new level. I can safely say my relationship with my partner is we've had some of the most amazing experiences and I have not a single regret in this lifetime because I've been able to have a strong relationship with myself, which has allowed us to nourish, to be, to be, to explore, to experience life together. And I wouldn't have it any other way. So if you start with the relationship with yourself, whether you're in a romantic relationship right now or not, start with the relationship with yourself. And then as you strengthen that, everything around you starts to build so I've covered some key, really important topics today on relationships. Like, guys, if you are listening to this and this is content you want to receive more of from me because I want to serve you guys. I want to make sure that I'm giving you the right content, sharing the right things that's going to support you in your journey, please just let me know, please interact, please send me a dm, say, yeah, I want more content like this. Or if you got an insight from today's podcast, DM me, I would love to hear from you. I want to know, like what's, what's clicking, what's making sense or where are you at in your journey? So just to wrap things up, you know, the relationship with yourself, I've really decided that I wanted to make that a foundational pillar in the service that I provide to people. I decided that I wanted to offer something, I wanted to package this stuff up right because I could see that the relationship with ourselves is everything, it's everything that we experience. So, you know, I'm midway through or a few weeks into a group coaching program with a group of people where we're, we're diving into how to strengthen that relationship with ourselves. And if you want to know more about how to be a part of the next round, it's a six week group coaching program where I take people through the six core pillars of strengthening the relationship with yourself. If you want to know more about that and you want to be part of the next round, the next group that I take through, just send me a DM or you can check out the link in the bio. There is a free workshop, free seminar that I did last month. But yeah, this is where it's at, guys. And I appreciate everyone that's on here because as you start to observe and absorb this, this content, it's going to solidify this understanding, okay, that you are number one, you are always, always dating yourself. So let's make that relationship primary and then we can start to work on, okay, what are these uncomfortable conversations that I got to have? What are the, what are the standards that I want to keep? What am I not willing to compromise? What, what am I not? What will I not tolerate from other people? So it's all an inner process that once we get deep enough, then we can start to play around with the outer process. Hope that makes sense. You guys are all amazing and I appreciate you run being on here, appreciate everyone that's interacting my content, having a lot of fun, sharing all this as I go through this journey. But I'll be sharing more on relationships if you, if you want more of that. So check out the link in the bio. Hit me up if you want to know more about the Build a Stronger Relationship with Yourself program. Otherwise, we'll see you again soon. Peace. Hey, there we have it, guys. Thanks so much for listening to this episode. And yeah, look, if you made it this far, cool. Here's my voice again in your ear and I'm gonna make one more request for you is go ahead and subscribe and leave a comment on the podcast page because I'm really putting a lot of focus and attention on getting this podcast out to more people because I know what I'm putting in here can serve and bring value to people and it would mean a lot if you got value from this to leave some feedback and subscribe. So you stay up to date with what's coming and as always, follow him on Instagram and love hearing from you. It's at stateshifters until the next episode. Guys, thank you so much and I appreciate you.