SSP154: What to Do When She Says She Needs Space

One of the most dreaded things you can hear from your partner who you're in a relationship with is I need to take some space. And I wanted to create this video to help you figure out how to navigate a period where your partner maybe wants some space. And you're starting to have some fears around the certainty of the longevity of your relationship. If you don't know me. My name is Jordan Kalnish. I'm a relationship coach and I run men's groups where I help men learn how to love and lead better and step into their healthy, masculine energy in their relationship. And I wanted to make this video because a lot of guys recently who I've been speaking with have been going through periods in their relationship where their partners wanting to pull away, they're withdrawing some love. And I've seen some really common mistakes that I've seen men make. And I wanted to speak to that because I made these mistakes too when I went through this challenge in my relationship. And literally this time last year, my partner and I, her name's Amanda, we were traveling a lot and we run business together. So there's this extra layer of complexity. And I was in a period where I was going to Japan, I had lots of trips coming up. I was going to Austin, Texas, I was going to Africa in the middle of the year. And she was starting to feel less of an urge to travel. And we came to a point where we were together, but we were just working on business. And the fun started to dry up in our relationship and we started to feel distance from each other. And we went through a period in our relationship where I wasn't showing up for her in a way that she really needed. And what sometimes happens is when the communication isn't clear and when there's not consistent check ins with your partner, what can happen is naturally you start to drift apart. And if your partner isn't very good at communicating what they're feeling, they can withhold things from you. They can, you know, have things beneath the surface that are going unexpressed. And what that can result in is almost a loss of attraction, a loss in intimacy. And this is usually what creates the need for distance or a new need for space, is that you feel like you're drifting in different directions. And that's what happened to us for a period, for a few months last year, and we literally spent three or four months apart from each other. She was living in Lisbon. I was still traveling in different parts of the world, and we're doing long distance and we've been together for eight years at this point. So I wanted to preface that because there was a. There was a period now last year where I didn't think our relationship was going to work out. There was a lot of doubts around the longevity of our relationship. And one of the mistake. The biggest mistakes I see men make when their partner asks for space. They allow them to have the space, but they do not step in and still show commitment to their partner. And this is what my initial reaction was this. When my partner asked for some space, I was like, yeah, fine, take your space. No worries. I'm just gonna focus on me. And sometimes that's the right thing to do. But very often, deep down, if you really want to make it work, there's a strong chance your partner really wants to make it work. If there's something special you guys have created, your partner's almost like, trying to communicate to you that by when she says she needs space, she's almost trying to communicate, hey, I'm waiting for you to show me. Show me something different. Show me how you're gonna show up better. And I remember when I had space and I was, like, reflecting and trying to figure out, like, what. Like, what's going on here? Like, why? What's happened to us? The more I dug deeper and inquired and started to reflect on how I wasn't showing up, I started to get clarity. I started reading books. I started to get some support from other men in my community. And through reflections and learning and just, like, acknowledging that I wasn't being the best version of myself, I wasn't stepping into my healthy, masculine energy, I could see where I was missing the mark. And I remember one night calling her up, and she was having a lot of fun with all these new friends she was having. And I was feeling really distant from her. I remember calling her up and saying, hey, do you, like. Do you really want to make this work? Like, is this something you're really committed to? And she was like, I think so. She's like, I think so. And I remember saying to her, it's like, sweetheart, I'm going to do whatever it takes. I'm determined to figure this out. I'm not going to let this relationship fail. So I don't care whatever you say. I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to show up better for you because you mean a lot to me. And I remember saying that to her, and she immediately her energy shifted. It's almost like she had been waiting months for me to express that to her. To show her that I was still fully committed to her. Because one of the things that we realized that she thought I didn't, you know, due to how I was showing up, she had this story in her head that I didn't care about her as much, and I wasn't committed to the relationship as much because I wasn't having as much fun being around her. So if this is a situation that you're falling yourself in, you almost have to recommit. You have to show to your partner that you are committed to being better. You're committed to her or him, and talk about how you're going to show up differently. You know, obviously, talking about it's one thing, but doing it's another. But you first must re engage the commitment by acknowledging where you've been falling short. And that was something that I started to do, acknowledge where I was missing the mark. And even though we weren't together, even though there was still space, there was still an energetic commitment that she felt from me where she was still a number one priority in my life. And I highly suggest, if you want to salvage your relationship and you're in a period where you're taking space right now, make sure you still commit. Make sure you still show to them that you can make your number one priority. And you're racking your brain trying to figure out how you can be better for them, especially for the female nervous system. They need that. They want that desperately. And sometimes they're testing you to see if you're still committed. Okay, so start with that. Recommit yourself to the relationship. And then secondly, if you want a position of taking space, going back to what I just said, monitor, almost audit your relationship to be like, where? Where are you not providing safety? Where are you not providing structure? And where are you not taking the lead and start to order all these areas. Because a common trap that I fell into with running my business was that I was so consumed by my business that I had very low awareness or emotional bandwidth to be able to see what she needed. Or I lacked the ability to create fun and spark and spontaneity in our relationship. And that's one of the reasons why we loved being together as we had so much fun. But as soon as that started to fade, something was off. I was missing the initiatory spark that the masculine presence can bring because I was so distracted by all the things that are going on my business. So I would monitor that. You probably need more structure somewhere in your life. You probably need to start to honor her needs in certain ways and you need to start to go out of your way to show leadership, go out of your way to show love. And how do you do that? Well, you have to start monitoring what, what really matters to her. You know, it's sometimes for men we get so in our heads and so self centered that we don't pause for a moment and think about what does my partner really care about, what does she really love and how can I start to show that love to her in a way that I haven't been up until now? So a journaling practice can be really helpful. I made a worksheet, actually a notion template. I might get this linked up in this video below so it might be in the description below so you can access this. But a worksheet or something where you're just tracking what's important to them so you can start to step more into loving and leading them in a way that's going to really allow them to feel seen and heard and understood and appreciated by you. You know, this period for you right now is all about going above and beyond. It's about showing unique ways that you care about your partner, the longevity of this relationship. This is a difficult time to get through, my friend. And a lot of this period is going to be about having real open and honest conversations about what you're feeling, allowing your partner to express what they're feeling. Because chances are if you're at this stage, then there's been a lot of stuff that's gone unsaid. There's been a lot of stuff that's been unexpressed. So it's so important that you go into that. You go into those emotions. You allow your partner the space to express whatever's on their heart, anything else that they're holding towards you or have not said towards you. Make sure you listen. You listen with your body. Give them a chance to speak. Don't defend yourself. Don't try to shut down or withdraw during these times. Lean into the emotional discomfort and just hear it all. Hear how you've been missing the mark. Let them speak and go. And ways you can validate them is just simply say, here you sweetheart, I hear you and I feel that I totally understand why you're feeling that way. What else are you feeling? What else is on your heart? Where else have I been missing the mark. Got you. Received. Got you. Yeah, noted. And just start to make amends by talking about how this won't happen again. You know, sorry sometimes just doesn't cut it like I'm Sorry. The saying sorry. Yeah, it's important. Sometimes you've made big mistakes. But what she really wants is an action plan, is a new way in which you're going to be showing up that is going to ensure some of these patterns don't happen again. So if you're going through this period and you're in space, see it as an opportunity. Because what happened for us in my relationship is that even though it was the most challenging time at the start of last year in our relationship, at the end of last year was the most enjoyable, the most intimate, and the most special times we've had since our night, since we've been together for nine years. So just know that this challenge, this breakdown is about to precipitate a huge breakthrough in the next evolution of your own inner growth and personal growth, and most importantly, the growth of the relationship. So have faith, stay committed, have open and honest conversations, be willing to lean into that promise. You're going to make it through. And if you don't make it through, then you get to learn these lessons and you get to move on as a more clear, wiser, you know, individual for your next relationship. And you get to support them and end this. End this journey maturely with. With maturity. But I know, I know there's. There's something special that's still to come for you. So stay committed to that process, and I really look forward to seeing you in the next video. Subscribe if you haven't already, because I'll put more videos out like this if this has been helpful. All right, my friend, talk to you soon. Peace.