SSP165: Brutally Honest Relationship Advice for Men Doubting Their Relationship

There's nothing worse than being in your head doubting your relationship, questioning whether the person you're with is the person you're meant to be with for the rest of your life. I wanted to create this video because I wanted to speak to one of these common challenges so many men face, which is periods of doubt and confusion about their relationship. And I went through this a few times throughout the 10 year relationship that I've been in with my partner. I wanted to share with you some of the processes that I went through that helped me get to the other side and allowed me to make the right decision. And I don't want you to miss these key points because this could be the thing that makes or breaks the decision and ultimately the longevity of your relationship. So stay with me. Let's unpack it now. Like I said, I've been in a relationship for the last 10 years and there's been many moments throughout that 10 year relationship where I was questioning things, questioning the path that I was on, especially because I've been with my partner since I was 21. So pretty much through our entire 20s we were together. And as you know, there's so many shifts and changes that happen for a man and a woman throughout that period. So I've had a lot of clarity and I've received a lot of lessons from this period of time. And I want to go through this with you today. And the main thing to ponder throughout this video and for this particular stage of your relationship that you're in is how have you been showing up? Have you been showing up from a place that's allowed the relationship to flourish in a way that you can receive everything from your partner? Have you been giving everything to her? Have you been embodying principles that align with your higher self? Because ultimately our loved ones are just reflecting back the quality of the presence that we put out, the quality of our consciousness that we put out. So sometimes leaving the relationship early is the worst thing you can do because you're avoiding these beautiful opportunities to grow and expand with this person. So I wanted to preface by saying that, and the first kind of key point that I want to go into if you're having relationship doubts is, especially if you're a man, is understanding the stages of development that we go through as men. Now, there are some really crucial stages that I want to touch on here. It's the night. The Prince and the King. Now, the night stage for us men is usually around the ages of 20 to 30. It's really where we're going in exploration, we're on an adventure, really trying to figure out who we are and where we stand in the world. Now this print stage is usually from around 30s to 40s. This can change. Remember, this varies a lot depending on your individual growth and development. But this Prince phase is where you're establishing yourself. You're starting to understand your path, you're understanding your purpose, and you're going deep into a specific skill set of mastery that's connected to your higher purpose. Now the King phase, usually post 40, is where you're really starting to now step into being greater, being of greater service to the world. You know yourself really well and you know the impact you're here to have. And usually your life looks very different at this stage. And we know that, we feel that when we're around older men who are quite established and they've had a big impact in the world already and they fully shift to more of a service orientated mindset because they've discovered these greater gifts that are back there. Now why is this important? Well, if you're in the Prince stage or the night stage, you'll probably understand that there's a lot of self, me, me, me, focused energy. Now it's important that you and your partner understand this stage that you're in because understand what stage you're in because a lot's different for a man and a woman during of time. Now I want to reference a book by Alison Armstrong called Keys to the Kingdom. Now I highly suggest you and your partner read this book because it's going to give you way more understanding of these differences of these different stages and understanding that your relationship is probably going to shift and change a lot as you change a lot throughout these different periods of your life and your development as a man. And it's so important that you and your partner honor these stages, right? Men evolve differently to women. Now if your partner is expecting something of you, maybe she's expecting you to show up in a stage in your life where you're not quite at that stage yet. Then she needs to understand that. And you also need to understand how to communicate that to her and express that, hey, maybe right now, sweetheart, my priorities in my purpose and figuring myself out doesn't mean I don't care about you. But the relationship can't be my number one focus, you know, and your partner has to understand that. And for all men, your relationship should never be your primary number one value in your life. Your value, your number one value should always be a devotion to a higher power and the expression of that higher power via your mission and your purpose. Now, whether your partner likes that or not, deep down it's a deeper truth that's connected to what it is you're here to bring into the world as a man, which is more about impact. Women are more devotional creatures, so they're slightly different. So having these deeper conversations with your partner helps when you have this clarity. So I would suggest reading that book, understand what stage that you're in, and then notice what is your priorities and what are your values based on that current stage, and communicate that with your partner, knowing all too well that your values are going to change as you progress. But having that conversation where maybe right now there's a bit of a values misalignment in your relationship, and that's okay because you're going to work through it. And if your partner has the patience and the devotional, the devotional ability to stick with you through this period of figuring yourself out or finding your purpose or finding this next level of impact in your business and career, then you're going to come out the other side of it much more connected and closely bonded. It's exactly what happened with me and my partner. In my early 20, was in my mid-20s. I left my corporate job in pursuit of my passions to work in health and wellness. And I went through a period of time where I was figuring my shit out. I didn't really know what I was doing. I wasn't making a lot of money. And she was actually supporting me through the work she was doing. And she was working in downtown bars in Toronto and making really good money. And I was just making minimum wage because I was working in meditation studios and wellness clinics. And she supported me throughout that time because she knew I was going through a transitional shift. And that is why our relationship is so strong, is because we made it through these really challenging moments because we honored the different stages we're in. I felt like it was important for you to grasp that. Now, the next thing I want you to really consider before you end a relationship too early, or if you're doubting your relationship, is just know that your partner is mirroring the presence, the level of presence that you bring. And very often, as you embody more of your clarity and consciousness as a man, you awaken more of your partners, essentially. You don't even realize how much your partner can give to you when you give more of yourself to them, when you get out of your own way, when you stop kind of expecting them to be someone that they're not. When you start to allow more of yourself to be expressed authentically, you start to awaken more of them, whether you realize it or not. So just start to look at the aspects of your partner that maybe you judge or you resist or you don't like. And maybe consider that perhaps that's the opportunity to look for you, to look inward and see maybe there's parts of yourself that you're not accepting and embracing. Maybe it's the internal resistance to your own internal struggles that are blocking the depth and connection of what the relationship could be. And maybe this period of time is about you embracing the challenges, overcoming your shadows so that you can step into this new level of leadership and strength. And in by doing so, you actually support your partner in stepping into a greater level of feminine radiance and expression for you as well. And that creates a whole new trajectory on where the relationship can can go. So it's so important that you consider these things rather than blaming or thinking something external needs to change. Maybe there's an internal shift that you get to relax into, move through, and then communicate from that place, and request a greater level of connection from your partner. If there's a behavioral change you're looking for, make sure you have the energetic shift first. Rather than waiting for the external shift to happen, your partner to change, you have the energetic shift where you no longer need them to change. And that energetic dynamic will create space. That opening will create space for whole new exchange of you and her or him and you to occur. So I highly suggest looking in that. What's the quality of your presence that you're bringing to your interactions? If you're harboring resentment or unconsciously expecting them to change to meet your needs, that's creating a blockage that's capping how deep you can go together. Now, another thing on that if you're expecting your partner to be someone else, then you're unconsciously pushing them away. And this happened to me in my relationship where I was interpersonal development and spiritual growth really early on in our journey and my partner wasn't. And there was this part of me that started questioning their relationship because I thought we're on completely different paths. And I was kind of like pushing her to try and get into this world of personal development, podcasts and books and all that. And there was this. That part of me that was in resistance to her was the thing that was stopping us from receiving the next level of intimacy in our connection. And wasn't until I fully let go and just said, you know, What? She's on her own path and she doesn't need to be on this path with me. Maybe right now it's actually okay that we're not into the same things and I focus more on my journey and accepted more of myself. And in doing so, I allowed myself to accept more of her. And over the course of time, she ended up finding her own way to this path that I'm on now with her. And she's more into personal development than me. So it's just, it was about allowing, embracing the unknown and trusting that if it's meant to be, your parts will overlap and if it's not overlapping right now, just accept and allow and embrace. And usually life has a funny way of bringing you closer together. Now, some of the core foundational things that it's important to consider before you end a relationship or if you want to take it to the next level, is are you both committed to meeting each other's needs and preferences? Do you care about her needs and preferences and does she care about yours? That's really important. Is there an underlying energy of devotion and respect? There needs to be that there for a relationship to be sustainable. And if that is there, sweet. This is something that's not worth giving up. The other thing is values, alignment. Just know that again, it doesn't need to always be aligned. You don't always need to have this perfect match of values because they change and you're. And she's at a different stage than you, most likely. So just trust that if your values aren't aligned right now, cool. That's totally sweet. Go about your journey, accept and embrace and love her for all she is. And then you watch what happens when she feels that commitment all of a sudden. She's going to be able to pour back into you and support your mission and purpose in ways that maybe you can't even see right now because you're blocking it. So let's summarize some of these points that I want you to consider. Now, before I do that, I just wanted to point you in the direction of a five day email course that I've created for men who are in relationships who are really looking to level it up, to step into this next level of emotional leadership, to take things deeper, to save your relationships or prepare you for the next relationship. The link is in the description. You know a lot of value from it, so check it out. So to summarize this, the first thing I want you to do is get honest with yourself before you get honest with her. Take responsibility for all your emotional challenges and blocks that are coming up right now, for you to have that really clear and direct conversation with her, you must take ownership of everything that's coming up for you. So get on a slow down, look inward and get, get some perspective. And then on that, stop trying to look for certainty. Just look for clarity. Internal clarity looks like feeling and getting in touch with what does your heart want? And you ask your body and your heart, is this the person I meant to be with right now? Is this the person? Do I want this to work out right now? And if it's a yes, forget about the justifications and the reasoning and excuses that your mind might create about why this isn't the relationship for you. Trust what you feel. Anytime you have to justify why you're doing something or not doing something you probably shouldn't or shouldn't be doing, it, you just know. So if your heart and soul is telling you, hey, this is, this is who I want to be with right now, honor that and then find a way to make it work. The next thing is to remember to notice how you're showing up. Any sort of resistance, any sort of resentment, any sort of unconscious projections is going to block you guys. And going from the next level, clear away all that unconscious leaky energy by slowing down, going into a practice like breath work or meditation yoga, so that you can show up as more of a full, whole, authentic version of yourself where there's clean space between the both of you. And that's going to allow for you to work through any sort of disagreements or conflicts with, with more effortlessness. The next point is don't confuse boredom with incompatibility. Okay, it's normal to go through periods where the relationship may plateau a little bit. It's normal where the attraction might fade for a little bit. And that's totally cool. Many avoidant type personality men will seek to change the relationship because their dopamine pathways are not firing as often as they previously did when they first met their partner. That is not a reason to end a relationship. It's a reason for you to slow down and get back into your body to access more of the oxytocin pathway, to show up more authentically to express emotions that you're withholding, to build more of that closer intimate bond that doesn't come from short term dopamine firing. It comes from oxytocin emotional bonding that only comes from real emotional leadership. Most importantly, if you checked out, if you've emotionally checked out, then you got to communicate that asap there's no reason why you should be dragging someone along in a decision making process. If you've already made the decision. Be honest with yourself, be honest with her and do her. The peace of mind of just letting her know where you're at. Don't play manipulative games where you're checking out and not communicating. And it's important to remember a good relationship won't always feel good, but it will make you grow. So tune into that. Are you growing? Are you still expanding? Are you still learning about yourself throughout this relationship? And that's a really good indicator whether this is still the person for you. Because if there comes a point where you go like, hey, you know what? I've tried everything. I've come at this from every angle possible and I've learned so many lessons, but it doesn't seem like this relationship is working or evolving. That's when, you know, maybe you just go part ways, but if you haven't explored every option or if you know there's still big shifts happening for you, then there's every reason why you should still hang around and give it another shot. And trying to find a way to break through to the next stage. Because at every level, there's a new test and challenge that you get to go through both individually and together as a couple. That when you start passing some of these tests, you just become an unbreakable team that you become unstoppable in the journey and then finally find someone you trust to talk it through. You know, for me, so many moments where I've had doubts and challenges. I've just reached out to friends, I've reached out to coaches and mentors and people who I can really have a safe space to talk about what I'm feeling, to vocalize it, to have a space where I can unpack all the things that I'm confused about in the relationship. And that's going to allow you to give you more internal understanding of what you need to speak to when you have a conversation with your partner about these kinds of things. So trust that when you have people in your corner, reach out. Don't try to figure out your own. This whole thing becomes a lot easier now if you want that additional support and you want to be in a men's group or have a safe space with other men who can get guidance like this from a person like me and other coaches, click the link in the description. I run men's groups specifically for men in relationships who are looking to go to the next level, save their current relationship or to figure out how to be a better man for the next relationship that sounds like you. Click the link in the description and we'll get you the support that you need. There you have, my friend. That's all for this video. Drop a comment. I'd love to hear from you. And whatever you make, whatever you're working through right now in your relationship, just trust that you're getting exactly what you need. And whether this relationship works out or not, as long as you're showing up fully and you're doing your absolute best, that's all you can ask for. And do it from a place of love, gentleness, and compassion. God bless you, brother. We'll see you in the next video.