Stop Trying to Fix Her: The One Thing Killing Your Relationship

If every time your woman expresses her emotions, you shut down or try to fix what she's experiencing, you're going to make her feel even more alone. And in this video, I'm going to explain to you why. My name is Jordan Kellish and I've coached thousands of high performing men on how to step into the next level of leadership in their relationship so that they're responding instead of reacting and holding a better emotional space for their partner. The lie that many men have been sold is that logic and solutions equals leadership. But when it comes to supporting your woman, that's what kills her attraction towards you. And in this video, I'm going to show you why your instinct to want to fix her actually pushes her away and how to replace it with a natural embodied calm that makes her want to open to you. Let's start with why fixing feels safe for you, but unsafe for her. So at the core of this for you, my bro is there, it's a protector reflex. There is a version of you that doesn't want to feel the emotional intensity that's being triggered in your body. Now this goes all the way back to your relationship with your mom. So your relationship with your mom is the initial contact point where with feminine energy when you grew up. So so much subconscious programming is installed during these formative years based on how your mom handled her emotionality. Was your mom chaotic? Was she out of control? Did you see a lot of chaos and fights in your household? Did emotions mean instability or was your mom really stoic? Was she really disciplined? Was she really hard on you? Did she she have very disconnected relationship with her emotions? Depending on how you observe, your mom is going to determine how you relate to with your own emotionality. And what's happening in the subconscious level is you've made stories or you've decided certain things about what it means for you to feel deeply. For most men that means shut off most of their emotions. They bury themselves in intellectual pursuits. They like to be in their mind to control things because it's a lot safer to be up here, to be down here in the chaos and in the intensity of emotions. Now I had this client that I worked with who came to me wanting to get some support in his relationship. And he was working in a high pressure job that required him to be in his mind a lot. And like he was working in the engineering space. And as you know, engineers are always thinking about data and numbers and tracking this and that. So when he came onto his partner when she needed emotional support from him, he Was in the habit or the reflex of fixing her problems because he'd been doing it all day at work. He didn't know how to shift into being there as an emotional safe space for him, for her. So she started to say to him, you're not helping me. I don't need you to solve my problems right now. And he came to me going, dude, I don't know, like, what to do. Like, I don't know how to just, like, listen to her. Like, I don't know how to connect with her emotionally. I don't know how to empathize with her. And when I started to coach him and become aware of the fact that he was so disconnected from his body because of him being in his mind all day, he didn't have that skill. He didn't have that ability to emotionally relate. Remember, it's the emotional resonance that you feel with yourself, and that then you're able to connect with your partner, which is what's determining the safety she feels around you to open up. So what I started to do with my client was show him how to really connect with his body, show him how to get in contact with these lost parts of himself, these inner child aspects that weren't safe to feel and express and give him, or show him what it would be like to have a healthy, feminine energy in his life. Now, the healthy feminine energy, and you can take note of this as well, which is something I want you to take away from this to bring back. The healthy, feminine energy in your life is you have to connect with the qualities of compassion, gentleness, softness, tenderness, patience. And look at how tuned into that are you right now. When you make mistakes in your life, when you get something wrong, are you really hard on yourself? Are you beating yourself up all the time? Because if that's the case, there's this healthy feminine energy is offline, and you can bring it back online by starting to spend more time with yourself, just feeling and acknowledging, you know what? Whatever I feel right now, that's okay. It's safe for me to feel this. I love feeling this. So when you're feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or tired or stressed, I love feeling like this. I'm actually gonna make peace with the fact that I feel like this. And if you made peace and accepted and loved all of those feelings, even the ones you normally resist, what would you do differently? Well, for most men, that would usually make more time to rest, make more time to be in nature, make more time to relax. That would slow down a little bit more. Okay, so that's where I want you to look at your life right now. For you to get in contact with your emotionality, you need to slow down a lot more and you need to go into environments that help evoke these qualities. Nature being one of those best environments. For me growing up, growing up in my early 20s, when I started to get deeper into this work, going to yoga classes was such an amazing outlet for me because that feminine energy became so nourishing. I realized I didn't really have many environments growing up because I played semi professional soccer, I was working as an accountant. I didn't have many environments where I could just be in my body and be in some of these, like gentler, softer energy. So the yoga studio became that. So I want you to find that in your life right now. Where is this environment where you can tap into these qualities? Because the more you can get contact with your body, like I said, the easier it's going to be to be a safe space for your partner to really just like be present in your body and not go all tense and reactive. You can just relax into what she's expressing and you can start to practice hearing her pain and not the blame, hearing, hearing the emotions behind her words and connecting with that. And you'll only be able to do that when you've connected it with yourself first. So try this tonight or the next time that you're having an emotional or your partner's bringing up something emotional to you is pause. Even while she's sharing or speaking, pause and tune into your breath, breathe into your lower belly and just give, create an intentional space before you respond to. Try to fix, let her speak like, just let her like speak for a bit while you're consciously breathing. Just that in space you create inside of you is what's going to give her the space to start to unravel and express and be able to almost like discharge the energy she's been holding onto. Because now you're just. There is like this translucent, transparent space where things just move right through you and it's not bumping up against all these tense, stuck emotions from your past like before. Okay, so now once you're aware of this protection reflex that results in you trying to fix instead of feel now this is how you actually lead differently in these moments that matter. So I want to give you another example, another client example. Now in this case, I was working with a guy called John and he would become aware of times when he would spend time away from the relationship and he would come back and his wife would Be in a bit of a mood, and she would bring things up, which would find things to be upset about. And it was really triggering for him because he want to go straight into, like, wanting to defend himself. And as we started to do this work and I helped him with some of these response mechanisms that I'm sharing with you right now, he started to then anticipate what she was going to say. He could then anticipate that she was going to be a little bit upset. And he could also connect with the reasons why she might be a little bit upset, which was he's just taking some time away from her. She's probably on her own, she misses him, and she's maybe frustrated that he's not around the house helping her out, all this stuff, Right? So once I equipped with him with some of these actual tools or frameworks to lead in communication, which was to hold an emotional safe space, you can then start to use your body, like we said, with your presence. The safer you are in your body, the more your partner is going to pick up on that. But when she's communicating, he gets to validate, he gets to reflect, he gets to empathize with what she's saying. And one afternoon he did this. Instead of just interrupting what she was saying, he gave her a space to express. She started to communicate and then she asked for his opinion, which is like, what do you think about this situation? He started to share what he thought. She tried to interrupt him, and he told her, hey, you know what? I'm going to speak right now. You just spoke. Now it's my turn to speak. And this was another thing that I invited him to step into, which was like, set some boundaries or parameters around how you like to speak with each other. He had these nice guy tendencies where she would just interrupt him. So it goes both ways. If you're just letting your partner interrupt you, then that's a passive behavior. That's a feminine trait. You get to step into that masculinity like John did. Stepped into his masculinity, said, hey, I'm going to speak now. You're not going to interrupt me. And by doing that, he stepped into this masculine frame. And while providing the emotional safety for her, once he spoke, he went back to her. What else are you feeling, sweetheart? Is there anything else that's coming up for you right now? Okay. Makes sense. Makes sense that you feel that way. I can understand why you feel that way. Is there anything else that you're feeling right now? The more he did that, then all of A sudden, she started to have a release. She started crying in front of him. She finally felt seen by his presence. They ended the situation in hugging, and they had an evening where it was just light, playful connection and they were being intimate with each other, when in the past they would have just had being distant and cold and kind of like, you know, being in their own energy throughout the evening. This was such a huge win because it was just a prime example of how simple it can be when you step into this new level of leadership. And very often when you see your partner in this way, they start to open naturally, just like that. And all of a sudden, you feel like the man. You feel like the king, because like, fuck, you did it right. It's that simple. So tonight or next time you're in a hard conversation with your partner, she's expressing something to you that may possibly trigger you try the lead validate lead line, which is, hey, it makes sense that you feel that way, or I can understand why you feel that way. Is there anything else that's coming up for you right now? You lead by saying, yes, I hear what you're saying. It makes sense that you feel that way. You validate and then you lead again by saying, what else is coming up for you? I can see that you might be feeling something else around this, or I can tell that you might feel a little bit anxious or upset about this right now. Is that true? Is there anything else you want to share around that? Create this opportunity for her to unravel everything that's on her heart. Okay, now, once you've mastered that, now I'm going to show you how to really take this up a notch, to step into this leadership through all of the things that I've just shared, but through your posture, through your physical touch and your body language and your eye gaze to help create an energetic environment of safety, but permission for the person that you love to unravel what they're feeling, because ultimately, that's what you want to get to is the place where you can hold what they're feeling without you having to make it wrong, or. Or without you having to resist it. And your body language is really determining the invitation that someone feels around you to express around you. Okay, so I'm gonna give you another example on this. And now, this is not a romantic example of me in a relationship with my partner or a client example. It's actually an example of me supporting my mom. And we often forget this, right? For you, if your mom's still alive, your mom probably didn't have safe, supportive, masculine role models in her life. I know my mom didn't. Right. And something that I've been really aware of is, like, when I bring some of these tools and practices, when I'm listening to my mom speak or I'm holding a safe space for my mom, it's really interesting to see how she goes into emotional aspects of herself that she's never expressed before, because she's never had that. That space. And there was this one particular scenario about three or four years ago. My mom was dealing with some. Some issues, had a cancerous thing in her head and she had a surgery and she had to get it operated on, had to get this thing cut out of her head. It was like, it was nasty. But during that time, her mum, my mum's mum was sick and she was dying in hospital and she was dealing with a lot of stress and a lot of pressure from the family and all of this stuff. And I remember I came back home to Perth to visit my mom and I was catching up with her and I was listening to her speak and I was like, curious, because I know when there's cancer or illness or disease in the body, it comes from an emotional blockage first. So with that awareness, I was like, okay, mom, like, what's going on? I started asking her questions, curiosity with my gaze, and I started to relax my body. I said, mom, what's. How are you feeling? Or like, what are you feeling about your, you know, what's causing the stress in your life right now? And she started to speak, she started speaking and I started to ask her, like, where are you feeling that right now, mom? She started to get more tense and she started to tell me, like, oh, I just feel it up here in my head. I was like, well, it makes sense that you feel that way. It's okay that you feel that way, Mom. It's like it's normal to feel that. And the moment I gave her permission and validated, she just started crying. And all of a sudden she just, like, let out all these tears and I was able to kind of like hug her and embrace her. And in my head I was like, well, there's the block and there was the emotional block that she'd be hanging onto for months or however long that caused this cancer in her head. And all that required was a male to just hold that space, that safe space to be like, hey, it's okay. I see you created in a release that maybe saved more cancer in the head. So I want you to take this that story and the key takeaways from it are was body posture, which is relax your body, soften your gaze, use physical touch where you reach out and touch your partner or someone you love's hand or leg or or shoulder that says, hey, whatever you're experiencing or feeling right now, it's okay. It's normal to feel that. It's safe to feel that. And you can do that through your eyes, through your body first. Because how you hold your gaze, whether, like, think about it when someone's talking to you, if you're not listening, if you're looking somewhere else and you're thinking about the invoice you got to send on the email that you have to write tomorrow, and you're like, yeah, yeah, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll get to it. I'll get to it. You're not giving them your all of your attention. You're not holding the anchor point through the resonance of your gaze and the softness in your body. So try this tonight or try this the next time you're in an emotional conversation with a woman. Breathe deeper. When tension rises, breathe deeper, step further in, hold your eye contact and reach out and grab their hand or touch their leg before you even need to say anything, right? That might feel really uncomfortable for you, but if you're practicing doing all the necessary work leading up to this, your internal practice, where you're learning to be comfortable with your emotions, connecting with that healthy feminine energy, it's going to be a lot easier for you to be. Be in the emotional fire without resisting it. In fact, I want you to start loving the emotional intensity because the emotional intensity is growth. Like, if you see emotional intensity as growth and if you're like me and you'd love growth, then embrace these moments because that's how you really get to step into this new leader that I know you want to be that's really going to take your relationship and how your partner sees you to a whole new level. So I want to remind you, brother, some of these, these tools can feel hard to implement, but they're all very simple in theory. And the key point is now that you have the awareness around some of this stuff, you're going to see little opportunities, a little ways in which you can start practice stepping into it. So I want to honor you, my friend, that you came this far and you're doing this work. So if you got value from this video, you're going to get a lot of value from this next video on why Men shut down and I share some a three step method to start to really step into that so you're not defaulting and your nervous system is not freezing. Thanks so much for tuning in and we'll see you in the next video.