Dark Night of the Soul and its expressions in our lives
In this conversational interview, Joy Brown and Alexandra explore Alexandra’s three‑month "dark night of the soul" that began after her December 2023 divorce and continued through early 2025. They trace how a yearly intention‑letter ritual, a Dr. Joe Dispenza 7‑day retreat, Kundalini work, and heightened intuition opened a flood of signs and synchronicities that forced Alexandra to sit with deep grief, ancestral trauma, and feminine rage. The dialogue moves through the collapse of externalized healing, the shift toward embodied inner work, the challenges of masculine/feminine polarity (both within herself and in interactions with men), and the emergence of a more balanced, receptive feminine presence. Joy shares parallel experiences of travel, anxiety, solo‑self‑care rituals, and the realization that true action comes from surrender and inner clarity rather than societal pressure. Together they discuss the collective rise of women reclaiming their power, the importance of boundaries, and the ongoing integration of lessons from the dark night into daily life, including new practices of self‑love, embodiment (e.g., wearing dresses, solo dining), honoring menstrual cycles as life‑force energy, using a "Clockwork Orange" lens for radical self‑observation, and conscious relationship dynamics. The conversation ends with a sense of completion, optimism, and a playful invitation to continue the journey.
Chapters
lot about the feminine, but we also wanted to talk about a dark night of the soul, right? So we might be bouncing around, but we're okay with that meandering.
Yeah.
So I do remember though, you told me in our chat that your dark night of the soul lasted like 3 months. And was it this year or in the past?
Well, Yes. So the beginning of it was December of, uh, 2024 and it moved into January and February of 2025. So, uh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. So the very beginning. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. How does, um, like, was it, how did that begin for you? Like, could it just show up out of nowhere? Were you already working through something and then it expanded?
That's a really good question. Um, I, I believe there are multiple things. So the first thing is definitely, I believe that, I feel like our dark nights of the soul, it's almost feel like they're contracted. I do feel, because I, I do believe in free will. I believe in free will, but I do believe there are certain moments in our life where they're kind of like contracted. You know, for example, like people that you meet or even, um, like incidences or experiences that you have. I do believe Some of those things, it's like, it is faded because sometimes we do run into these experiences. It's like, how the heck did this happen? Like, there's, there's no way, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
So I was, I was pondering about this and I do feel like this was almost like when I was maybe like looking at my life plan, that's like, okay, at this timing. I'm going to move through this experience. And it's just, I've been getting a lot of signs and, um, I mean, we can kind of move into that. I mean, if I were to tell my whole story, I think it would be like a 4 or 5 hour thing. And I know we don't have that much time, but, um, essentially, um, I, I, I moved through a divorce and, um, December of 2023. So you know how people do, um, uh, what are they called? I even forgot. Um, like New Year's resolutions and set goals. We all know those goals don't really work, right? Like we might start them in the beginning of the year and we get all hyped up and then like You know, we fall off that, that, you know, train and we're like, okay. So a few years ago I started something with like intentions. So I do my own like ritual every single year of, uh, writing a letter to my, to myself a whole year from now about everything that I want to accomplish, experience, like all my intentions set out for that year. And then I fold it up. And I put it away. I don't look at it. I even forget what I— some things maybe, but most of the time I tend to forget. And then at the end of the year, I look at it and I'm like, oh, cool. Like this and this actually did come true. And some things didn't, which is fine. Cause that's— this is now like, this is part of my ritual where I like look at it and I'm like reflecting like those intentions that I set a year ago. Are they still aligned with me? Because some of them are not. And I'm like, okay, well now it doesn't really matter that they didn't come true. Right, right. And if they're still aligned, then it's like I get to write a whole new letter about the upcoming year for me. And so actually I did that of December of 2023. I noticed that my relationship with my husband at the time was kind of like It needed work basically. And I had, I, I put out all my intentions and like, obviously I read it last year of December of 2024, and you could have put them into two buckets, two categories. I had like my personal life and then my healing, because intuitively I was starting to tap into, I need it, like it was just coming to me that I need to heal my heart. I was even telling my husband this. I'm like, I need to heal my heart. I didn't know what that really meant. Yeah, I was doing a lot of healing work before. I was working with coaches. I was, I, I was always externalizing, I guess you could say, my healing, which is fine because I feel like that is the path. But I never became embodied. And I think that's what my intuition was starting to tell me, like, become embodied. Like, because, like, you've, you have externalized all of this internalize it, right? Uh, but of course in the beginning I had no idea what that meant. I was just like, I feel like I need to heal my heart. And then, you know, I put that piece of paper away and literally when I read it, I'm like, that's hilarious. It's like I had two paths. I thought they were like gonna blend in together. And it's like my soul's like, yeah, you're not, your whole personal life is going to get dissolved. Your whole old life. Say goodbye to it. Yeah, we're going on the path of like the inner healing work. I, I obviously didn't know at the time, but yeah, it's like my soul's like, yeah, we're gonna let all this go, or you're gonna lose everything in your life. Who cares, right? This, the soul does things like this, and then we're gonna move into like your healing journey. And so it was, it was, that's when I started getting really like Even more hyper-conscious, I want to say, and aware of signs and synchronicities because it's— it felt like the universe or the divine or whatever you want to call it, because I really don't care, but it was like it opened my eyelids and was like saying, look, pay attention, we're talking to you. Right. And I was just getting bombarded with so many signs at the time and I was kind of slowly deciphering them. And I just, I started to also feel like, okay, pretty sure my marriage is on the rocks. I'm pretty sure I'm like, I really, I remember actually March of, uh, 2024. Uh, it was a visceral experience where my body was like, you're getting a divorce. Like the, the. There's no question. You— this is what— and I was like, well, I actually grieved it in that moment because it was such a, like, downloaded experience, right? Um, and from then I kind of was guided into, like, you know, uh, more of my inner healing, um, doing things for myself, doing things that I love. Really was the path of the divine feminine, which is why I'm saying these are— this is intertwined. This truly is intertwined. I was starting just to become more connected deeply with my feminine, with my inner oracle, because we all have— like, us women, we have it. We're so freaking powerful, and they want us to forget.
Preach it. Preach it.
And, and it's like I went on the path of remember— and I know a lot of other women do too, go on this path of remembering it.
Yeah.
And that's also how I also knew that like when I was starting to become more embodied, I'm like, oh yeah, my marriage is definitely not aligned. Like, you just know.
Yeah.
You know, you can love somebody and be like No, no. And that's how you know when it's like you really love, because it's like you love enough to let go because you know it's not right. You know that, like, you've lived as much of that relationship's potential as it could. And the most loving thing you can do is let go, let them go on their own journey. And now you have to go. On your own journey of like deeper healing, et cetera, et cetera, right? So yeah, I went, I went to, um, Dr. Joe Dispenza's 7-day retreat. I felt called to, I was, I was always had that feeling that I was gonna go. And, uh, last, last year in August I went and I was doing a lot of working with my heart. I had a Kundalini experience. It was very like eye-opening, and I continued to work with my heart because I knew, I knew I had like blockages. I knew I had walls up, not only from like romantic relationships, but also like friendships, friendships that like truly I never expected them to betray me and they did.
Yeah.
And you know, that, that hurts you over time. Um, And I, it's interesting cuz I, I got my first taste of my heart opening in the, I wanna say the beginning of December. And that's what I don't, I don't know if that made me go into a dark night of the soul, kind of like my soul was like, okay, she's ready to dig even deeper. And then all my inner kind of Demons were coming out and I was like, oh my gosh, there's so much pain here that I never allowed myself to feel.
Ooh, yeah.
And I, I had to be with it. Like I, I actually lost my job that I was working. I was working in social media and marketing at the end of October and like basically my darkest night of the soul. I knew I couldn't have a job then. It made sense why I was let go. I'm like, this actually was my full-time job, was to— because it was like nonstop. I would feel something. I would have to sit with the pain. I couldn't distract myself. I couldn't, um, avoid it anymore. It was, it was time. That's why I'm saying it's almost like In a way it was faded. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. This is the time. This is the time you're gonna sit here. You're gonna look at it. You're gonna be with it. It's gonna be painful. Like, I'm never gonna sugarcoat this and say, oh yeah, it's, it's a cup of tea. No, they go, they call it a dark night of the soul for a reason because it truly feels like it's the most painful thing ever. And it really does feel like in the moment it's never going to end, but it does. That's how you really alchemize those things.
Yes.
But it was my, yeah, I don't know. Mine was like literally 3 months long and not to say that I was always in like the painful parts. It's like I would feel something, something would come up. I would feel it. I would be with it. I couldn't run with it. And eventually you start to understand that. That feeling does go away. Like you sit with it, you alchemize it, you work with it, you understand it, you, you know, you try understanding the roots of it, right? And it gets to a point where it neutralizes and you're like, okay, it's like passing over. And I would get, I don't know, some days it would be like, I wanna say a 1-day, 2-day break, and then the next wave would come. I'm like, are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? I had like, there was no control over this. This was just like, no, we're gonna finally feel everything that I guess I, I didn't even know I was avoiding truly.
Yeah. Yeah.
I had no idea. And it's like, nope, you gotta do it. You gotta do the work. And at the end of February, it started to become like, I think I had just more days in between and it just started to feel more neutralized. And I had some other couple experiences where, but I, that felt more like ancestral. Like I was like, oh, I, I feel like this is from my ancestors. Like all the grief and, uh, rage actually. And it was like the ancestors that the feminine side.
Yes.
The ones that were freaking like tortured or burned or made to kept small in silence. And I was like, oh my God, I'm reclaiming all of that. I'm coming into, cuz It's interesting from my mom's side, my grandma had a throat thing. She couldn't express herself. She developed something with her, not that she couldn't talk, but like she actually had surgery on her throat. And same thing with, not that my mom has, um, like she had surgery, but she's always like clearing her throat. And I even, I even like started to do that. And there's, that's that blockage of like. Don't speak, sit down, be in your place. You should just, you know, sit pretty and smile. Don't, don't speak, don't express. No one wants to hear you. People just want to look at you. Women should be looked at but not, you know, not, not heard, right? And I, I, I, like, months after, I was like, whoa, I'm feeling my ancestors' rage. I'm feeling— and I had to safely, like, go through that and express that safely, right? Because there's safe ways to express rage. But I was like, wow, this is what I'm, like, starting to reclaim. And it's really funny, Joy, because this is actually part of, like, reclaiming your femininity, right? Um, and because I've been doing this for a while and I'm, I'm stepping more and more into it. I can actually feel it. It's a feeling thing, right? Because you become embodied. Let me tell you how that triggers people.
Oh shit. I hear you. I hear you.
Yeah. You've actually, you preach it.
You're preaching. You're preaching still. Yes. No, I've totally experienced the same thing.
Oh yeah.
Yes.
Yeah. Both from men and women.
Yes. Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Men get like, this is how you know, by the way, ladies, if, if there are women watching, um, when you finally start stepping into that like feminine sovereignty and power within you, an unhealed masculine will get triggered by that. He will try and box you in. He will try. And I've experienced that. And it's funny because it was almost like, I guess you can call it like a test of like, am I going to contort myself? And right. And I was like, uh-uh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I've done way too much work. Yes. And I've like, I, I set a boundary. I'm like, you do not talk to me this way. And it's funny cuz it, it's not, it wasn't in a romantic sense. This was like someone I, I was working on a project with and I'm like, Who do you think you are? Like, do you know the work that I've done on myself? I am not gonna contort myself, you know, because women, we get— we do get used to over— yes, over-pleasing everybody.
Well, I'm like, we're taught to do it. Yeah. And praised for it and conditioned, essentially.
Exactly right. And it is— it's funny because I did feel in that moment that like Cause we're, we're taught this from little girls, right? So I did feel that like little girl come out and be like, wait, should I like, you know, contort, bend myself to please him? I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What are you like? I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm working on my side of the project.
Right.
I don't, I like, no, no. If you need rest, rest, honey. If, if he's trying to make you like do more, no, no, no, no, no. No, like, and, and it's because he— I understood he was playing in a very, um, distorted masculine and feminine side. It was actually— it's— you start to feel this. I literally just made a post about this where I'm like, women, when you're in your feminine, you can feel the man that you're around. And again, it doesn't have to be romantic. It could be like you're with a friend or, um, you're at work, right? Because it's energy at the end of the day. It's not, you know, you can feel how embodied that man is based on how, how you feel. Do you feel safe in his presence? Do you feel safe? Do you feel like you can expand and open up? Right. Or do you have to contract and look out and keep yourself safe? Right. So I, I was, I was like, okay, well, and, and there was a part of me that wanted to like go and like take the lead on certain things. I'm like, wait a minute, this is not my project. I'm just helping.
Yeah.
Like, excuse me. Like, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna be in my feminine power. Right. And it, it's, it's, it starts to become very telling, truly.
Yeah.
And then there are women who aren't there yet. They also are like, what do you think you are? It's like, oh my gosh. Like, so like, and it, but it just mirrors like the things that they haven't claimed in themselves. Right. And I get that.
Exactly. Yeah, I get it. It's not, it's not personal in a way in that regard. It feels personal and then on some levels it is, but then on another level it isn't. It's just their projection and, um, unhealed stuff that you're just shining light on it and they don't like it.
Yeah.
Right. That's, yeah. Whether man or woman, like that's what's happening.
Exactly. Exactly. And like, for me, it's like, I really wanna help remind women that it's like, no, you get like.
You're allowed to take the space.
Yes. Yes. Right? Like, there's room for all of us to shine, right? And I've— I can't remember where, but I've used this example of like, when you look at the night sky, what makes the night sky beautiful? It's when you see a cluster of stars shining. Like, you know when you're in the city or somewhere with a lot of light pollution and you just see like a few? It's like, yeah, it's pretty, but to me what's breathtaking is when you see every single star shine. And are they competing? No, they're— it's, it's like they're being in their own essence and they're just emanating their light. And that's what makes it beautiful. So I find that the same with like women stepping into their power. It's like, just because if you see another woman in her power and she's sharing her voice and she's sharing her light and her gifts from within does not diminish yours. If anything, she is a mirror of your own potential that you have within you.
Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah. I love that night sky analogy. That's— it's so beautiful and perfect and it, it just sums it up. And if it does trigger you, then that's, that's, that's showing you your own shadow, right? Like that's where you need to look. Why? Why is that bothering you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Is this, it's an insecurity of yourself that you have to look at, right? Yeah. No, this is so beautiful hearing your story, Alexandra, because, uh, mine's very similar. Um, I had a Christ conscious awakening. That's just a name that came to me. I haven't like Googled it or anything, but it happened this past April. And it was profound. I, I felt my consciousness shift into this higher state of love and kind of like with your divorce, I was married. I had a, I have a toddler and, um, we were getting ready to buy a house in Alaska. I had like, I was like so ready to live this life. Right. And I have this experience and I just see where I was lying to myself about my marriage. I see where it was actually more loving to separate, right? And more loving for myself and him and my daughter, right?
Yes.
Now, when I, for the externally, for her, my ex-husband and like my family, it just felt out of the blue. Right? They were like, what? Where'd this come from? Like, what's going on? And I'm like, no, it's happening. I understand. Like, I, I feel it in my body. Like you said, it's visceral. Like, no, I can't do that. And I remember once, um, he wanted to hug me, like while we were having these discussions about separating and my body just was a flat, no. And it's not that he had ever done anything, like it wasn't anything like that. It was just like, no, I am sorry. I can't, like, I can't deny my body. Like I have to honor this bit, this no. Uh, even though I'm probably could use a hug right now, but not from you. Right. No offense. Have to use, I have to honor this, but, um, I actually traveled the globe. I, I just felt this need. Travel is very part of something for me. I'm an, I've been a nomad before and now I'm moving back into being a nomad and just, I went to Australia and then I went to England, but as I was there, I was going through this dark night of the soul and it, I wasn't working, right? I was girl mathing it. It was total faith and trust. But it was like, okay, I gotta, I just have to do this for myself. And it, like you said, every few days something would show up and I'd have to just sit with it and cry and grieve and move through it. And, um, just, I wasn't even that, that active on Substack or other places, but men would show up and it was all of these. Um, learning interact, how to interact with them and the me becoming more in my divine feminine and my deep feminine. And I was like, oh, this is why they're showing up. Right. And, um, sometimes they would go well, sometimes it would not go well at all. It was sometimes it would be very short. Sometimes it would be, sometimes it felt romantic. Sometimes it didn't. Right. And every time, I mean, we're talking like at least a dozen dudes came and there was a lesson in each one that was reflected. And I would take it and integrate it and embody that. And just with each step or each encounter, it literally was teaching me how not to do that bending. Because I would, I would feel, I would literally feel my energies start to lean, and then I'd be like, hold up, hold up, what's going on? No, we are not doing this. I recognize that pattern. No thank you, I am not going through that again. Like, I will— did I do it perfectly? Hell no. Hell no. It was messy as fuck. It's so messy. But, um, To me, that's part of the process. And they were messy too, right? Because none of us are completely healed and, you know, like transcending. Obviously we're still here, right? So, um, that to me is still beautiful though. There's beauty in that. Um, and I know I was reflecting things to them and that's on them to take those lessons or not. Right. I can't force that, but now, oh, I don't even, I'm not even starting to bend before I notice it. It's like, oh no, we're not even, we're not even going to go there, dude. That lesson was learned and integrated months ago. No, you don't have to learn that lesson. No, I'll learn other ones, right? Because I, with that oracle stuff, it can be pretty intense. And some of these timelines are beautiful. They're beautiful what you see and sense. And the lesson I got most recently was like, I can't latch onto that. I need to view it all as potential, right? And just, because it's my gift slash curse in a way to just hold that, right? Yeah. And because again, the signs are everywhere. And when you learn how to read them and just acknowledge them, it, especially in the beginning, it's, It's a little overwhelming and you're like, oh my God, this means this has to happen, right? And then it doesn't happen. Then you're like, what the fuck? Did I read it wrong? You're like, no, I actually didn't read it wrong. I was interpreting it wrong. I was clinging to it too much.
Well, can I, can I say something to that?
Yeah.
Because I'm, I'm laughing because honestly, Joy, wow, there's a lot that you're saying that like, I'm like, yeah, I, I've Periods that, right? Um, with, with that feeling that arises, I actually, so I, I do a lot of videos on, on YouTube, right? There's one that I did about like, cuz I've like, when I'm really honest with myself, I've actually always been feeling into things. It just. No one ever taught me that that was right. So I would question it. I would, um, kind of shove it away. It's kind of like not listening to your intuition, right? That, that, that is what we're taught. And that, that's, that's, we're taught that for a reason, right? So that we become powerless. And then when I started to notice the patterns of like, wait a minute, like my intuition always seems to be correct, and that was And then that's when the signs were like even more. Um, and I can, like, I can feel into things. And one of the things that I have learned is like, when you feel into something, you think like, kind of like, okay, this is it. Like, this is going to happen like tomorrow, right? Or any minute. Or like, if you have like, oh my God, I think this is going to happen on the 15th. Like, I got a sign it's going to happen on the 15th. Right? You're not wrong. That energy is real, right? There's different timelines and potentials. And when you feel an energy so strongly where you're like, it's like overtaking your body, you're feeling something that literally could happen in a few months. I, I, this is where I've learned. It's like sometimes when I feel the energy so strongly and I think it's going to happen like tomorrow or something. I'm only feeling what's literally in my energetic field and has a high potential to happen, but there ha— there's a divine orchestration. That literally means it could happen months from now when I'm in the unknown, because that— what I've learned is like the divine, we have come from an all-knowing place, right? Like I, I know people believe in different things, but I believe that we come from this all-knowing, like we manifest things easily because it's energy, right? When we're on that side and we've come here to learn basically to have like the intention and then let go, surrender, be in the unknown. Don't, um, to not be so predictive of when something is going to happen or how exactly it has look like, because that is the magic, right? Because if we've come from a place where we know and things can happen like this on the other side, we've come here to experience what we're not. What— and that's why it can feel frustrating to us. It's like, what the hell? I've been feeling like— I don't know, I'm going to use the example of like a job or maybe a spouse or whatever. You're like, I can feel it. You're not wrong for feeling it. It is there. The potential is there. And it's actually, especially if you're experiencing the signs on the outside, it is coming to you. But the divine, God, source, angels, whatever, wants you to be in the unknown, experience the magic that life has to offer you. Because when you can surrender into that feeling of like, oh, I feel this, I know it's going to happen. But let me enjoy my life. Let me be—
Well, that's sovereignty, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. No, no.
If you wanna go, go.
Well, I mean, just, it's okay to know it and, but like you said, you surrender, you release it. You're not attached to that outcome, right?
Exactly.
You're staying open in that open state of surrender. Yeah. To me, um, I know I wrote about this this weekend and it'll show up at some point online. Um, life is wonder, embracing that unknown, which is easier probably for some people than others, I think. Um, because people want the structure, they want the path, they want to know what's ahead. Um, they want to plan, right? What's the plan? I want to know the plan. And it's like, the plan is there is no plan. We're just gonna, we're just gonna figure it out. And, uh, you might know a few steps ahead, but we don't need to know the full plan, right? Yeah. And that, if you're not secure within yourself, that is extremely disorienting. And I understand that, right?
Um, yeah.
Um, cause I've been there before too, that I used to have an anxiety disorder and that is essentially what it stemmed from, right? That was in the past. It's been a while and I have to like remember, oh, I used to live that way. Oh yeah, I remember. I remember that. Um, but now it's like, no, it's fun. It's like a surprise. Embracing that surprise. But with that oracle part, um, yeah, it's a little bit of a learning curve because, um, you can choose to sense. Sometimes it just floats in on its own, right? This was happening during my dark night of the soul and after, right? So it, it was part of the lessons even during that time. Um, cause I, when I left Alaska to go to Australia, I was just like, I had an idea of what was going to happen. That did not fucking happen at all.
Yeah.
And it was like, oh, okay. I was a little too attached to that. But it also involved other people. And so it was like, ah, I can, I can only, obviously I already knew, but it's like, I'm getting a visceral lesson here on why I can only control myself. Right. And they, they, at one point, maybe they were choosing that timeline and now they've shifted and they want to do something else or whatever. Right. So it's like, okay. I just, yeah, it was a lot of lessons in that and I—
A lot of surrender. Yeah. Which, which by the way, that, that is the feminine, right? Yeah. The feminine is surrender. She is the unknown. She dances in the mystical and our masculine, cuz I believe we need to become balanced.
Yes.
With our masculine and feminine, right? The masculine wants to know. He's direct force energy, and it's not bad, but it has to, it has to, the masculine feminine polarities, both within and without, they have to dance. You know, one sometimes leads and the other one follows, and it's not always the masculine leading. Sometimes the feminine leads in the unknown, in the surrender, in the mystical, right? Like I said, the masculine lead, and it's a constant freaking dance. And yeah, within us, we have to learn how to balance that and how to lean into both. Because sometimes, yes, it's about action and, and, you know, focus, direct action. And sometimes it's about rest, surrender, let go. Trust, allow, right? And receive, receive, receive. Oh my gosh, I've, I've, I, I could honestly, I, I really want to like, I'm sure you know, you could tell that a lot of my content is speaking about the divine feminine because it's just, it's been my journey. I know yours as well. And I do feel a lot of women and men and men, but I do believe women are leading. This movement of coming into the feminine, but I truly can— like, I'm starting to see in myself how embodied I have become and the signs that I receive, right, that I am in my feminine and more so, I guess you could say, balanced, right? Because it's a pendulum. I before, and I'm sure you could resonate because I just feel like we're born in a society like this where we've been in the distorted masculine of ego, pride, constantly doing, go, go, go, you know, like don't rest. If you rest, you're lazy. Uh, no, you're not. Rest is one of the most powerful things you can do. That's literally receivership. Yeah, right. But we were taught otherwise. And so for me, like I even remember in the beginning of my journey I had to start getting comfortable with rest and I, I, I had the self critical thoughts of what are you doing? You're lazy, you should be doing X, Y and Z, blah blah, blah. And I had to work through those thoughts of like no, I don't, like I'm just gonna exhaust myself.
Right?
And this constant need of do, do, do, do, do, do, do do and think, think, think, action, plan, um, it, it exhausts you, right? And so I kind of— because for me it's been a 7-year journey. If I really think about it, it's been 7 years of me coming back into my feminine and then being like balanced. Because I did swing the other way of like really being in my— because I was like, oh, well, you discover it, you wanna, you know, right? I was like Wait a minute, I've been missing this. This is what I was like, no, no, no, I'm gonna, let me vacation here. My masculine can go away. I don't want it, right? Inner masculine, of course. And I was like, I, let me be in my feminine a little bit. And that's usually how energy works, right? Because when you're too much on one side of the pendulum, the pendulum has to swing the other way. And then it kind of comes into balance, right? But one of the things I'm curious if, uh, Joy, this has something that you've been seeing within yourself as you step more into your feminine. Like for me, again, I, I believe I mentioned it earlier, I can literally feel when A man is fully in his masculine and how much I, I feel it now. So like I said, when I was working on this project, because this man was really in his like feminine, it was the first time I felt disgusted. Like I felt disgust in my body. I was like, I'm disgusted the fact that you can't hold a safe container.
Mm-hmm.
Right. And that you're trying to put me in my masculine. I was, I was repulsed.
Yeah.
And it was a body experience. And then it's not like I, I was like, oh, this man, like, it's not like I was telling him this, you know, or any, like, it was just my body's response, my body's response to how he's been conditioned, because men also have been conditioned to be a certain way, right? And I was like, oh, this feels gross that I have to like keep myself safe, and like he's trying to put me in my— like, it was, it was gross. And I actually have started recently experiencing when a man is actually in his masculine, like, presence, safety, like there's this like grounded fricking force. I'm like, oh my God, my— and look, I'm gonna say my body got, I guess you could say, turned on. But that feeling is of expansiveness, of safety and openness, because we open like a— doesn't mean I acted on that, though, right? Right. It was just my body being like, I feel safe, I can melt into this structure and stability and that he's got it. And I was like, oh shit, I could feel when someone's actually there, right?
Like he can hold you. All of you. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Exactly. And I was like, oh my God. And again, this wasn't like a romantic thing. This was just like a very platonic thing. Um, someone that I know that I, we just met up and I was like, oh, I never was able to feel his safety before. Probably because before I just was like, not fully conscious and aware of that, but I was like, whoa, I can lean into this and like he could direct us through and I don't have to be so hyper aware of everything. Wow. Okay. This feels really good in my body. Right. Um, and another sign that I've been receiving is receiving. I'm literally, I'm getting in this energy of receptivity and just receiving it, like comes out of nowhere because the feminine, naturally, she's magnetic. Yeah. She pulls to her things like a magnet. She doesn't need to extort. She doesn't need to like contract and do all these things, penetrate and go.
You just literally sit back and like, okay, what are you gonna bring?
Right. And I started to experience that and I was like, oh my God, I'm, I am in this energy, right? Like, obviously I know it's a journey. It's probably going to expand more and more, but I'm, I'm actually really getting there. I'm receiving the signs. So I'm, I'm curious if that's also what you're experiencing.
Oh yeah. Within myself and with others too. Like, when I finished my travels, which took 3 months, that's why that beautiful synchronicity between us. Wow. And I got back to the States, a part of me was like, well, I need a job. I need a plan, right? Like I need to file for divorce. I need to do blah, blah, blah. And it was like, my nervous system was still so tight.
It's a dreaming. Yeah.
Um, and I was like, no, I need to just chill. I just need a rest. And like, it took almost 2 months of being in that state. And I had people be like, you're too much in your feminine. And I'm like, no, I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing. I am a very action person, but I want to take clear action, right? In the right direction. I don't want to splatter it and see what sticks. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm going to wait to receive the right clarity and it fucking came. I love it. And, um, it was a few weeks ago actually. I was in a women's circle and I was, one of my friends, she was just like ranting about this spiritual teacher she knew and she was just, it was to me, it was like holy fire. And she was just, I don't know what she was saying, but she was just ranting and I was like, ah, I want that fire. I want that fire on Astronaut of Life. Like, burn it down. Please burn it down with your beautiful, gorgeous fire. Like, just, I want to receive that, please. And so I reached out to her and I was like, can you please burn down my shit? Like, I want you to burn it down. And so she was like, uh, okay. And so we got on this call and she's like, I don't need to, you don't need to get rid of everything, Joy. Like, you just need to do blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, it lit me up.
Nice.
And it excited, like excited my energy, my solar plexus, my sacral were just lit. And then like, literally I'm working on it right now. Like this past weekend, I don't know why I keep pointing behind me, but this past weekend, I, my ex had my daughter and I spent probably 15 to 20 hours just writing, just writing, Reworking my copy, redoing everything with my true voice, with the direction. And it's like, this, this is, this is the way. This was what I was waiting for. I didn't, I didn't know what I was waiting for. I could have got a nudge to go in any direction, right? I was open. That's that open and surrender. I was in my feminine, but it was like, it's not that I don't want to take action. I just want to wait to take the right action. And now I'm in my more in the masculine, right? I'm taking action. I'm doing the things and they'll be more of a balance. This is more of a, a rush to get it all going. But, um, but no, I also understand what you're saying because I think for most of my adult life, I didn't sense when a man was safe. Mm-hmm.
Um, we're not taught that.
No. And I could tell when he really wasn't safe, right? I could feel that, but I couldn't really— I didn't know how to sense the safety. And yeah, even during my travels when I would meet people, that's what would come up a lot. And sometimes it would feel safe, but it was also distorted in a way. Yep.
And it—
or confusing. And it was like, Hmm, why is there resonance here? But I'm still confused.
Good for you.
For me, right? And I was like, this, this isn't clear. So I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna step back, right? And yeah, you, you, you need these mirrors and these interactions to kind of teach you like, oh, okay. Oh, wow. This one feels really good. Like I feel really safe. I feel like I could. I can say anything or do anything and I'm not going to be judged and I can fully express myself and I can express towards the person, right? I can express devotion. I can express these things. Um, no, I'm, I'm still learning.
You know why, Joy? I, I've had, I've had the same experience and it's funny. I don't know how else to explain it, but I've told some of my other friends, it's like, It's, it's a blessing and a curse, but I don't believe it's a curse. The only reason that word comes to me is because it's like you become so sensitive to the distortions that you're like, holy shit, there's a lot of healing that like, especially men need to do. So I'll also give you an example and I kind of do want to voice this because I know women in the spiritual community. Automatically they're like, oh my God, I need to find a spiritual man. Like, that's, that's who I need to go to. But let me tell you, ladies, and I've experienced this, uh, a few times, they're not always the healed ones. A lot of the time they wear masks. So just be careful. Just because somebody, a man labels himself as spiritual and that he's doing the work, doesn't mean he's doing the work. He can be using that as a mask. And, um, it's funny because I, I recently traveled and, um, in one of the Airbnbs that I stayed at, um, there was this man there and not anything romantic at all. It was just like we had a conversation. There was a lot of, um, like we were like-minded. We had a really, really good conversation. Um, and you could, you could put him in the category, in the bucket of spiritual, right? And one of my last nights there, he's like, I really enjoy my conversation with you. Like, can I take you out to dinner just so we can like talk, right? Like just, just more of a conversation. Plus it's like your last night before you fly. I'm like, yeah, of course. Cause I was good. I was going to take myself out. I've, I've got into that energy where I date myself, right?
Yeah.
Again, this wasn't a date. This was more like. Yeah, let's, let's have another like good conversation. And it's really interesting because as soon as we went out and I don't know what he had, cause I don't know him well enough. I don't know what he has in him that as soon as we went out, I felt how, um, mistrusting he is. I felt so much mistrust. In his body that it made my guard go up. I was like, wait a minute. It was a, it's a subconscious thing, right? It's an energetic thing, right? Here I am thinking like, wow, this guy like seems like-minded and, but, and it's, I was not like entertaining. Oh no, no. I was just like, cool conversation, cool guy. Right? Uh, we went out and, and as, like I said, as soon as we went out to dinner, my body was like, whoa, like he, he has an issue with trust. There's, there's something about trust that he, he, and it's funny because his energy did change, but then as soon as we went back to the Airbnb, because this was like a communal Airbnb, his dynamic shifted again. So there was something, right? And again, not to say that this was a bad guy. No, he probably just has some distortions that I'm not even sure if he's aware of. I was thinking like, do I bring this up? I'm like, no, I don't. Like, anyway, I'm leaving. What I like— no, right? Like, this is his own work.
This is—
this, if anything, was a mirror for me that like, I can sense it that quickly. And it's, and it's my body. It's not like I'm thinking about— it's my body's like, oh, this guy has an issue with trust. And it's just interesting cuz I was out and I was like, then my body was like, wait. So now I have to be like, I have to be hyper aware now of my surroundings. Like, why is he in this like mistrusting energy? Like, you, do you know what I mean? It's, it, again, it's an energy thing. And, um, yeah, I, it's so interesting cuz it's like, it doesn't matter how like-minded you are with this person. It's like when you become so embodied, it's like, oh my gosh, you can, you can feel it.
Well, I think that's, um, I think that's it. I'm not sure they are fully embodied with their deep masculine, right?
Yeah.
Um, cause they, no judgment, right? We're talking about our journey doing it with the feminine, right? Like we had to go through it too. They're working through it.
We went through our own fire.
Yeah. But, um, you can tell, you can tell because one minute it'll feel very safe, not necessarily one minute, but then like you said, a different environment or a different day, and suddenly there's distrust or there's skepticism, or, and you're like, where, what, where's this coming from?
Um, right.
Like what? I didn't do anything. Nothing has shifted on my end, you know, to create this. Like, where, why are you projecting this onto me? Um, but then you're like, okay, that's, that's a you thing. Right. I'll take what I can from that. But, um, that's, that's what I'm kind of, uh, understanding is maybe men and feminine, we're all working on this embodiment. And that's really, I think, I think men like to stay in their minds and play with the theories. And I find that gorgeous. It's gorgeous. I love doing it myself, but it's also like, but no, we, We gotta move it down. We gotta live it out. We gotta figure it out. And there's, I have some male friends that are doing that work. And it is so beautiful to, to see them embody it and change and shift and own it. Right. Um, to embrace their own feminine and resting and waiting for that clarity. And it's like, I know just me doing that for myself is reflecting that to them, right? And I think this is— I'm seeing it as like a shift in the spiritual community. You're either working towards embodiment and working towards this integration, or you're on the hamster wheel and you're just, you're just going and going and going and trying to fill it and everything, right? But yeah. Um, I don't know. I'll leave it there, I guess.
Well, no, you know what? You're, you're bringing up a good point because it's funny. I was on that same wheel. I have actually a very complex— I've always, uh, philosophized theories and I, I like to go in and dissect, like, I, I'm very much— I was always kind of in my mind, but again, we are taught that since childhood, right? And it is funny cuz I think it was around the end of, the end of 20— no, I, yeah, 2023, beginning of 2024 where I was like, I'm done. I couldn't listen to anything. I couldn't read anything. I was, it was like my vessel was done, um, receiving information and I was like, I need to start. Like becoming, right? Like body-wise, right? Um, but I'll give you another example because this is also really, really telling of like when you're doing the work and then you're met with people who aren't, right? So months ago, I actually kind of was dating this guy where I was like, oh my gosh, he's like spiritual, he's doing all the things, right? We— there's a lot of alignment. And it was really interesting cuz the first date I had with him, my body was like, my, my intuition was like, he can't meet you at your depths. And I was like, oh really? No, no, he seems so, but I want him to. And, and you know what's interesting is because again, I've been coming into like the feminine, my own inner oracle. I, I work with nature as well. Um, I, I, I communicate with nature. I believe that all of this is like always communicating with us. And, um, I was doing like a my own ritual of like, okay, angels, guides, universe, spiritual team, and ancestors, like, if this man is actually meant for me and he's aligned to my highest good and to the person that I'm becoming, then he can stay in my life. But if he's not, like, remove him immediately. I'm like, I don't even want to entertain anything temporary. Just remove him immediately out of my— my energy has become way too precious. My work has become way too precious for me to entertain anything, um, temporary or to have another man to, um, like where I'm pulling him up. Cause that's what I, that was my dynamic always. I was—
well, me too.
Right? I was like, you're no, you're no longer siphoning my, my life force energy. Right? And I was like, please just let it be done. Literally that freaking day, he calls me unexpectedly. It was unexpected. Not planned. He calls me and he tells me how much I've been triggering him. How, because whenever I was telling him about my story of embodiment, he— it, it made him question all the external work that he was doing. Because he was very— yes, he was in this like healing space, but he was using all the tools and he was relying too much on— he had so many tools, so many gadgets, right? And I'm not judging that because I even used those tools and gadgets, right? But because I was coming into more embodiment of feeling my pain, no longer externalizing that to somebody else for them to solve, I had to do it on my own and feel it and be with it, blah, blah, blah. It, it's like it questioned him about his work and he hated that. And so he told me how much it triggered him that he hate— I was like, He's like, it feels like you're attacking me. I was like, I'm not trying to attack. I'm just telling you my story. That's it. That's it.
Yeah.
And he's like, and he couldn't. And I was like, oh, okay, there we go. He can't match my depth. He can't receive me. And I was like, my intuition is freaking intuition.
Don't— oh, you know, from the start, right?
Well, always, always right.
To me, triggers are are good. I, I welcome them, right?
You gotta lean into them.
You gotta lean in. It's like, oh shit, you triggered me. What am I being shown now? Where do I need to look? Um, yeah. So I mean, that's all perspective. Yeah, it's all perspective.
I feel like women have an easier time with that, to lean into triggers, because that is the unknown.
Yeah.
And, and, and, and I do believe women have a certain amount of resilience to feel and be with pain as opposed to men.
Well, that's probably related to our bodies, right? I, I'm not an expert on anything, but I do know women have a higher pain tolerance, right?
Oh no, that is true. Birth and everything.
Yeah.
Uh, abs periods even like, yeah. No, that, that is true. Um, as opposed to men. And so that's why for men, again, I know it's not all, cause I, I do see men that are doing the work, but do I believe women are leading? Yeah, we're leading this. The only reason men are waking up is because of the women who have been doing the work and becoming embodied themselves. That's the only reason. It's a ripple effect, right? Um, but a lot of men tend to be scared of that pain. That's why they distract themselves most of the time. That's why it's easier to use all these tools or alcohol, drugs, or whatever to numb the pain so they can't— they don't have to sit with it. But the more that they do that, or anybody does that, because I even played in that sandbox of not wanting to feel my pain. Absolutely. I, I, I, it was too uncomfortable until, like I said, my dark night of the soul where I had, I had no choice. I had to. Um, and it, it, there's this like inner fire, I guess, that gets birthed out of you, right? When you, when you do that and you're like, okay. There's no more running. I, I believe that a lot of people do get to a point where it's like you no longer can run away from it. It's gonna catch up to you one way or another, where you're gonna have to sit with it, be with it, feel it, alchemize it, be transmuted through it, right? Like that, that, that's the real inner work.
Oh yeah. Well, that's— would you say that's the point of a dark night of the soul, to teach you to do that, right?
Yeah.
And so when you move out of that phase, you have that skill and you just use it as things arrive. I, I didn't get on that hamster wheel, maybe for a hot second at the beginning of my spiritual journey, but intuitively I knew I was like, I need to look inward. For this guidance. And it really felt like carving my own path because everybody around me was following teachers and collecting the tools. And I'm like, no, I like, my tool is meditation. Right. And so I'm just going to meditate. That's what works for me and my energy. And I would meet entities and they would tell me stuff and we would work on stuff. And I was just learning how to activate my Merkaba. I was learning all these cool things. Learning about my feminine, how to embody it more. And like, like you said earlier, I kind of went a little too far at first.
We all do.
But, um, because I was, but I almost had to because of course I, I call 'em tower moments. So yeah, yeah. I was in a tower moment, like a rock bottom, right? Yeah. And I have gone through many of them. I'm in one right now actually, but, um, I had always done it with my masculine, like, oh, well, I'll just get a new job. Oh, I'll just make this something, right? Because society, that's what you're told to do regardless of your gender, right? You gotta take action. You gotta be responsible for yourself. And so this one time I was like, no, no, time out. I'm gonna try it the other way. And it was hard as fuck. It was so hard to like, it really felt, I felt so much resistance and it took so much mindfulness and Thankfully I had those skills, but it was like, like, oh, I need to apply for— no, I don't need to apply for a job. I am waiting. I am waiting. Like, oh, I need to do— no, we're not doing that. We're not doing that. And it was just constant catching myself. And I feel like this tower moment is the true integration where I'm not leaning on one or the other too strongly, right? I'm like I told you earlier, I'm— it was in the feminine to receive. I got the receiving and now we're moving into even more regulated and, um, integrated. And it's like, um, I think we all have it all. Like, it's the same lesson, but the way it shows up externally is going to look different for everybody. It might not always be a divorce, right? It might— you might not have a whole timeline shift or where everything— sometimes I would move countries, so that even All of, all of it would look different, right? But, um, no, it's just a beautiful, beautiful journey.
Yeah, yeah. I, I will say, because I, I do agree with you, like, it doesn't always have to look like somebody else's, um, journey, right? We're all on different journeys. But I will say, I am noticing, and like I said, this is This is kind of like why I'm saying the women are leading and there's like the rise of the feminine. I am noticing a lot more women that we're getting tired. Yeah, getting tired. Our own consciousness is rising and we're no longer willing again to contort ourselves to play in the same like sandboxes that we used to. Like we're like, what? Like we're questioning more and it's very, very interesting because I, like, again, when I was on my trip in California, I was sitting at a cafe and I was just being with myself and there were these two ladies sitting in front of me. And at one point, like I, I took out my headphones and I heard their conversation and this one lady is talking to her friend and she's, she's basically saying how she's done. Like, and I don't know if this was her boyfriend or husband, but she's like, listen, I have a choice to either still be with him and just accept it and just accept that like, this is my life. This is how it's going to be. I can't, you know, fully enjoy blah, blah, blah. She's like, but I'm getting to the point where I think I'm just going to leave. And she's like, I have no idea. What's gonna happen, how that's gonna look like, but she's like, I need to start enjoying my life, myself, and this isn't it. And so many women are getting to that point now.
I agree. Yeah. It's a big, it's a collective thing. I feel like collectively we've been doing that inner work. Um, I use this very loosely, but like in lifetimes, right? Um, and yeah, it's really reaching a pinnacle even, um, outside of spirituality where women are just like, we're done. We're just over it. Um, and I, there's, to me, there can be an extreme because as a woman, you can tap into this my third eye, it looks like a stream of energy. And it's this feminine rage. You can hear it in the music now where it's that like whole, you know, I'm done. I'm over it. I'm not going to be your servant. I'm not going to make your babies. I'm not going to do shit, right?
Be everything.
Yeah. I'm not going to wear every freaking hat anymore. Um, and look at my tone's even changing.
It's very sharp.
It's so easy to tap into. I don't know if men realize how easy it is. It's happened to— because it's ancestral and it's there for all women. And to me, you can get too far into that and then you start to vilify men, right? And just completely reject and be like, fuck you, I don't need you. I'm doing my own thing. Um, you know, I'll buy a toy, I'll have my own stuff. But what, like for me, when I, when I started on this dark night of the soul, I was getting messages like, you're gonna meet men. Hmm. And I'm like, I don't give a fuck about men. Why, why do I wanna meet men? Like, I'm done. I'm done with men right now. Why do I have to prepare to meet men? And it was like, you gotta show up, you gotta get ready. And I'm like, I don't, no offense to men. It was just at that point in time, I was like, this isn't like, I don't, I don't know why. And then I realized that I was like, ah, I'm bathing in this, you know, feminine rage. And in some, yeah, I've just been through a lot of shit. I have a lot of trauma, right?
Yeah.
I've been abused. I've been assaulted, all of that. Right. And it. You can victimize yourself. You can, you can do all sorts of stuff with that. Um, and I think just felt, I've maybe known 2 women my whole life who have not experienced that, right? In some degree, every woman. Well, that's what they tell me, right?
Um, maybe they're not aware of it, right?
But anyway, it's like, It's so common, right? It's not like my story is unique. It's really not. And that's, that's the real story.
Oh, a lot of women have experienced some kind of abuse.
Oh yeah. And probably in childhood and in adulthood, if we're honest. Yeah. Yeah. But, um, no, I had to release that. And I was like, if I'm going to see men wholly as their true selves, I cannot hold on to this rage and anger towards them. And that was quite a work. But obviously we could see just now it's very— it's still there, right? It's a conscious choice not to, to just dive into it and live in it.
Oh yeah, I feel like absolutely, like, I, I totally agree with you, right? I do think that's almost like the shadow side of that, all that rage. And, and honestly, even I, I I feel like this was very subconscious though. Um, before I kind of played into that where I'm like, fuck all men, and then I was still dating them, but I still had that energy of—
No, yeah, you can still— exactly, you can still date them and want to have a man in your life but still held that, you know, like, like, I'm just gonna secretly fuck you off. Like, everything— I'm, I'm expecting you to piss me off, right? I'm expecting. Of course, then you get into manifestation or whatever it is. Oh, it's just so convoluted and messed up, but that's the truth.
That was the best. That was the best analogy, because yeah, it's like this middle finger that like it sticks up, but it's covered and it's there.
But this is the best.
It is funny because I know there are men out there that are, and I see I've only recently started to get some examples of it in like, like a physical interact, like face to face. Most of the time I do see this more online of like, there's, there's the, cuz I know that there are men coaches out there that are like doing spectacular, or I'm like, yes, yes, you're remembering, you're remembering like the role that you're meant to play in, and women are— and like that beautiful dance of the polarities. Because I do believe, I personally believe, for there to be harmony on Earth, there has to be the balance of the feminine and masculine. That's the only way to have harmony back in our world, in our society, in our communities, is that. But that has to start within first, because I, I do— I always say this: as within, so without; as above, so below. There's truth in that saying, because you do have to experience that balance within in order to experience it without, right? Like, like on the outside. And I know like all of my kind of like previous relationships and, you know, the imbalances, oftentimes they were mirroring my own imbalance between kind of like what we were saying. There's like this like inner rage that like, we're like, we hate you, but we love you. Like, you know, this like distortion that needs to be felt. It need, like, it really does need to be felt. You need to feel that rage. And sometimes you do need to go into that just to feel it, understand it, alchemize it. 'Cause I do agree, and I did feel that rage as well, but it felt like I For me, what came up was like, oh, this is my ancestors' pain.
Yeah. This is for all of them. You can tell it's, yeah, it's the collective feminine to me.
Yeah.
It was like generations and generations. It's intense.
It is. It is. And you, and I feel like you do have to feel that, that fire of like, for all the times they were silenced or rate, yeah, or burned, or backstabbed, or betrayed, whether that was from a man or woman. Like, for all of that suppression of the feminine consciousness, of our own innate gifts and powers, right? And like, you do have to feel that in order to alchemize that. I do believe that, but you definitely have to have discernment in it. And discernment of like, all right, I've felt it, I've alchemized it, I understand it. I, I don't obviously want to play into that.
Right. And yeah.
No, only like, I, I agree with you. It's, it's like we're healing. This is how healing looks like, right? Healing.
I, when I released it, I realized when the men did start showing up and I feel like they were showing up just because I was embodying my feminine, right? And that's that magnetism, right? But, um, I was able to see that they have their own current and it's not, obviously they can correct me, but from what I'm gathering, to me it's like a deep sadness. Um, there's, there's anger there too. Yeah. Um, and they are like, they, it's, it's in that it flows through their heart space.
Yeah.
And when I realized that, I was like, holy fuck, I had no idea. I had no idea that they were experiencing this. If whether they could name it or not.
Yeah.
Cause I couldn't always name that feminine rage. Right. Um, but it was like, ah, this is their version. And it, oh, it just cut me. Cause I, I had been going through life just assuming. That's her asshole speech. Yeah. No, they're not. They're not assholes. Some are, but most of them aren't. Most of them aren't.
And well, the ones that are, I do believe they're just really hurt. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah. I, yeah. Yeah. And they haven't come into their own awareness and their healing and all, you know, like When I separated from my, um, husband, like obviously there were so many reasons and, and kind of like you said, it was kind of like out of left field for my family. They're like, what? How? I'm like, oh my gosh. Trust, like, trust me, trust me. Like, I, I can't deny what my body, my intuition is telling me anymore. Right. And. And like, I don't know if you experienced this, but my ex did turn quite bitter after. Very, like, to the point where I was like, wow, I did not expect this from you. I actually did not expect you to be this bitter. But I, I, I know and I understand. I, I don't make him a villain from it because I know that that's his pain and that's, that's his journey now that he has to take. And because before Like, again, because I was always kind of pulling men up, I would see their potential, I would see all— yeah, I would, you know, do that. But that's like, I, I can't do that if they're not willing to do that, right? Um, and I, I, I, I know he has his journey to go on, which I can't be a part of. And that is love as well, because it's like There is this part of our own journey that we have to go through alone. Like, for example, the dark night of the soul. I went through that alone. I did have one friend that I would call once in a while because she was also going through the same thing. But ultimately, it's our own inner journey that we have to go through and take responsibility of and, you know, feel, learn, da da da da da, right? And, um, yeah, like you can feel it. You can have compassion for them or anybody. But it's like, there is some things it's like you gotta release and you gotta let them have their own sovereignty.
Yes. Oh, 100%. Yeah. I think that's a hard part, especially in romantic relationships as women, you see that potential and I've definitely fallen in love with the potential, right? And not the actual.
But that's our oracle, by the way.
Yeah. But it's. So it's learning not to do that. It's beautiful to see it. And you could see, oh, the way I know how I love and I can see how it will change and transform them if they let it in and allow it, right? And it's like, oh, just let me do that, please. But it doesn't work like that. They have to let it in and allow it. And yeah, it goes back to that surrender and just detachment and it's That's the big lesson I'm learning because it's like, yeah, I still want romance, right? I want that. But it's like, I am understanding now that it needs to be in a very specific container. And I need to find a man who is willing to open up and allow it and let this transform him and me as well, right? Like, I want to receive and be transformed by it too. So Um, yeah, because I've had— I'm okay. I'm gonna— you'll read my future writings. I explained all the stuff I've been through. But, um, yeah, it's— I'm glad to finally reach this realization, um, because I don't know, it's— even if it doesn't happen, which I think it will, but, um, Yeah, I'm not that old, right?
But, um, but you know what, it's not Joy. It's honestly, it's, I, because I wanted to mention, because you have come to that realization, because you have been balancing those polarities, and especially if you've been feeling it, and especially if you've been seeing reflections of like the signs and synchronicities that is coming to you, but it has to happen in divine timing, and it's because Again, it has, it's, it's, it's going to be a mirrored experience now cuz we can only bring in what we are. That's it.
That's beautiful.
We can, yeah, it's, there's no, that's the thing. It can't be like faked, right? That, and that's also how, you know, it was like somebody who isn't embodied. If you're embodied, you can feel the disembodiment in them. And again, it's not judgment. It's more like, oh, okay, that, that's where you are. And we can feel that level of like, you know, growth, discernment, all of that. And when you step into that balance, you can only attract another person who's going to be balanced and you're gonna feel it in your body.
Oh yeah. And I, I think part of it is being in that feminine to receive it.
Yes.
Um, And that's, that's what I'm learning now. Cause it's like, oh, since I desire it, I want to like seek it. And it's like, no, that's not the one. That's not how it works. Nope. I don't, I don't need to do that much work. I really actually don't have to do that much work. That's not my job.
You just have to enjoy your, your, and, and finding, yeah, I love that.
Finding joy in, and oh, it's such a beautiful place to be in, right? To just be doing you, enjoying you, and growing and learning and connecting with people. And yeah, it's just going to naturally occur and flow. You'll find time. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Yeah.
But in the meantime, it's like. Enjoy yourself, because again, women for so long were always putting themselves last, always filling everybody's cup instead of their own. And that is how you start leaking your own life force energy. And what— and this is actually what makes it harder for you to receive. But when you, when you literally go the opposite way and you start filling your own cup first, you start doing the things that you love, you start taking yourself out, you're not waiting for anybody anymore. You're not waiting for anybody's permission. And you start tapping into that own, like, your own magnitude. Oh my God, Joy, like, my world had— like, I took myself out, myself out, because I've been, I've been starting to do that. And by the way, women, when you first start doing this, if you've never done this, it will feel awkward. Go through that feeling, go through it because it will pass. It will feel weird when you start pouring your own cup and then doing these things yourself. For example, like taking yourself out to a restaurant. When I first did it, I had so much anxiety. I was like, oh my God, what are people gonna think? People are gonna think I'm alone or I'm a loser. I'm this, I'm that, right? It was my own, my own thoughts, right? And I had to go through that. And when I went through it, I'm like, oh, never mind, this is kind of nice to enjoy my own company, my own peace. And it's gotten to a point where I really love it. And, uh, I do it every so often when I feel called to, and I felt called to the other day. And because I'm, I'm really enjoying it now, like it's, it's coming from a place of pure joy of being in my own company. Joy I had every single waitress and waiter serving me. I didn't ask for that, but it's because I was so present. I wasn't on my phone. I wasn't like eating, um, you know, not presently, like just, you know, just eating, drinking and being on. I did check a couple things, but then I put my phone on silence and I was present. And that, and I really feel like I step into my Queen slash like Empress energy. And I know some people might think, oh, that's conceited. No, it's not. You have that in you as well. You can tap into that. I'm not looking down on other people. I'm just like enjoying my own energy.
You're being that twinkle star.
Exactly. And I'm telling you, every— I always had— there was a waitress, a wait— are you okay? How are you doing? How's this? And it wasn't annoying. I was just like, oh my gosh, I think it's just like my energy. And I had A lot of magical things happened that night, which we don't have to get into, but like it was pure magic where I'm like, whoa. Like it really does feel like the whole world kind of bends towards you to make sure that you're fine because you realize that you're innately worthy as you are.
Oh yeah. Well, I'll touch on that a bit because, um, I've, I've never, I've never really had a problem with doing things by myself. I remember in college going to a movie or a matinee by myself. Now I do remember being a little awkward, but then I enjoyed it. And I mean, I've literally, I've lived in foreign countries as a single woman. I've traveled the world as a single woman. Who knows how many restaurants I've been to alone, right? Um, now in astrology, my South Node is in my first house in Sagittarius, so it's all about Being a loner and I can own it. Right. But so I'm saying this because yeah, maybe I embodied that and it wasn't, that part wasn't my issue, but it's, I still had a worthiness issue. Right. Um, it doesn't negate that, that wound you could say. Um, but it just showed up in different ways. But, um, no, you're right. When. It's sadly, but hopefully won't be sad for long, to find a woman who is in her own power, like that queen or goddess, empress, however, priestess, however she's vibing with it, right? Um, when you see her out in the wild, right, in a movie theater alone or out to eat or getting, you know, doing things on her own and just owning it, right? Oh, I, um, okay, here's a way I did into it. I used to hate wearing dresses as a child because I climbed trees all the time and I just didn't work, right? Um, I was very much a tomboy, but, um, I started feeling like I think I want to wear dresses more and like, you know, get a little more girly even though I'm like not as, not necessarily who I see myself as. And so I bought them. And when I went on my trip, I, I didn't wear them until my laundry was, that was all I had clean because I was still had that resistance, right? But then when I would put it on, I'd be like, damn, I feel good. Like I'm fucking hot in this dress. Like, look at my hair. Like, look at these. Like, look at this sachet. And my shoes didn't match. I didn't fucking care. Right. I'm in a foreign country. Nobody knows who I am. Like, but it, it helped me do that physical action of embodiment, just putting on a dress. Right. And, and enjoying it and allowing myself to enjoy the way I looked, enjoy the way I felt. And that, that was healing for the worthiness. Cause it was like, I'm worthy to feel this way. You know, I don't have to hide myself. I know I'm wearing a sweatshirt right now, but it's cold. So, um, um, no. And then I started just wearing the dress, even if I had other clothes that were clean and it took a month or two. Right. And it, but then I observed that about myself and I was like, oh, I just want to wear my dress today. It's not like, oh, my stuff's dirty and I have to anymore. It's like, I just want to wear that dress because I like, I know how it feels and I want to feel that today. And no, there's, you got to play with it, right? Um, that's part of, that's the integration. When you view it as play, it creates that joy. It creates that creativity. It creates that. Life force energy that you can just exude out. And then like you said, everybody just gives you attention and you don't have to do shit for it. It's that magnetism, right? Um, and it's cool to experience that this is what reality is showing me. Like, I, wow. Okay. I guess I, am I worthy of this?
Yeah.
Yeah. Like this is This is actually how I want my life to look and experience. Like, these are the experiences I want to have. And, you know, contrast to the past where it was more traumatic or, you know, dramatic even. Um, yeah, draining. Well, it's very draining when you're in denial and you are not in that state, right?
Yeah.
And you don't. That's typically where we start and that's where that, you know, I'm get, you know, I'm fed up. That female's getting fed up. It's that I'm tired of being drained and I'm ready to learn how to not be drained so much. Yeah. And owning that raw messiness of it and it's like, let me just explore this for myself and, and just figure it out.
Yeah.
It's absolutely. Absolutely. No, you know what's funny?
I also resonate with the whole dress thing. So I grew up in downtown Toronto where it's very hyper-masculine, very much so. And naturally, when you're in an environment like that, you do tap into that, right? And again, like, I do believe there's like an agenda to like keep women in their hyper-masculine and just like You know, so I, I never also, I never resonated with dresses. I had a couple, but I would never, I would maybe wear them when I had to go somewhere fancy. Yeah.
Yeah.
And I, but I never enjoyed it truly. And it's really interesting when I did start to embody my feminine side, I was like, this just made sense.
Yeah.
I have so many dresses now and it's funny, I like usually when I would go towards something that, um, you know, kind of just like leggings, jeans, or whatever, I tend to be like, oh, can I wear this? Is it warm enough for me to wear a dress and be flowy and in my feminine? And again, like, this isn't to say that like that's what makes you feminine, because obviously it's an energy, right?
Right.
Yeah, it really is. But it's like how that make that— how that piece of clothing for your body. Yes. How that makes you feel, right? Like, does it make you feel more sexy or feminine and flowy and in your play, in your creativity, right? And I— what's interesting is I do find women are coming back to that because I do have another friend who I wouldn't say she's really into this type of work. So much so, but she actually even started to tell me, she's like, you know, I used to dress like a tomboy. She's like, all I wanna do is wear dresses now. I'm like, oh, that is interesting. That is interesting, right? And she's like, I'm really starting to enjoy it. I'm like, yeah, that like really, really interesting that I am seeing more and more women wanting to connect with that side, cuz we've been way too serious for so long and it does exhaust us. It really does. Right.
And we want to, when we're embodied and we're living that, you just naturally have that. Now we have our own physical cycle, right? We gotta honor that too. Yeah. But, um, to me, I've definitely had excitement. Life force energy, even when I am menstruating, right? And I'm like, oh, wow, we're trumping the hormones here. But I mean, I just honor it whatever way it comes. Like, if I need to rest for my body, I'll do it, right? But then if the energy's there, I flow with it. And it's, oh, it's just, it's just so beautiful. And I guess this is what's on the other side of that dark night of the soul. I mean, you go through it and it's, it's rough. It's really rough. It's not easy to look at all aspects of yourself. And I, I'm starting to use the Clockwork Orange eyes, you know, and it's like, I just want to look at everything with Clockwork Orange eyes and like really make myself see it so I don't miss anything. but obviously if I do miss it, it's gonna loop around and, and come back. Right. So to a degree with that, but it's more just in a way of expression in my opinion to just say like, I'm not gonna shy away. Yeah. From what I'm seeing and I wanna integrate it. Well, is there any other things we wanna add before we close up here, Alexandria?
I feel like, I feel like, yeah, the, It feels done, but I obviously, we could probably go on and on and on.
Oh yeah, I'm sure.
Because it's such a juicy topic. But yeah. Yeah. I think, I think feels good and complete.
Yeah, it does. Well, thank you so much. This was such a pleasure to talk with you.
It was, it was fun.
Yeah.
Well, I had a lot of fun and laughs.
Well, me too. Me too. And hopefully we could do it again and just thank you so much and thanks everybody who watched us live, and we'll see you guys later.
Bye-bye!
