Joy D. Fanning shares how she went from zero to 25-30 friends after trauma by setting boundaries, being selective about who she lets in, and finding people through volunteering, Meetup groups, and work connections. She emphasizes that friendship is a two-way energy exchange and that vulnerability and regular communication are key.
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Hey, welcome! Yay! Welcome to Astronaut of Life. My name is Joy D. Fanning and I help people go inward to explore. I do this through meditation mainly. Yes, my big thing is I want to help people connect to their guides, to the spirit realms, because you're all able to do this. Yes, This is my thing. This is what I'm passionate about. So if you want to look more into that, I got the links down below. Today's video is about how to be a friend as an adult. So last week I talked about, um, recovering from trauma around friendship. So when you've recovered, you kind of have to relearn like the rules or the skills needed to be a friend. And as an adult, we got a lot more things to kind of consider, right? So that's what we're going to talk about today. Let's get to it. How do you be a friend as an adult? It's essentially the same, right? Somewhat. Let's say somewhat. Um, For example, I don't live in America. Obviously by my accent, I'm American. So a lot of my friends are not here where I live in Colombia with all the green. Yes, I have friends down here, but I had to make them, right? And when you are making friends as an adult, to me personally, there's a lot to consider, but the biggest one that I'm going to start off with is setting your own boundaries, because you need to respect your time and what— and your needs first to just be a good friend. I'm going to use myself as an example this time instead of someone else. So in the morning, at night, I don't look at my phone. What this looks like is, so I like wake up at like 6:30 or something in the morning, and I meditate, I journal. My phone's here in my office while I'm doing it, but I don't look at it. I might have a zillion notifications, but it's, it's my time. I'm doing me. And then I go into breakfast. And I make breakfast and my husband and I usually watch a TV show or we just talk while we eat breakfast. It lasts for like an hour, which I don't have kids, so we're both working at home. This is our schedule, right? This is the life we've created for ourselves and we enjoy a nice breakfast. It's a big breakfast. We have a lot of fun. But I don't look at my phone. That's kind of our personal rule— no phones at the table. So I don't even like get started replying to emails, looking at my phone until 10 o'clock. And that has been kind of a harder boundary for me to create because it's really up to me. If I look at that phone, I'm, I'm so tempted to text back or whatever, but I need that space. Same thing at night. When I'm getting ready to go to bed, I leave my phone here in the office and I go into my bedroom. I might meditate in there. I might just watch videos, but that's like me time to like wind down and have time for myself. So I don't look at the phone. I don't look at Facebook, social media. If people are messaging, I'll just check on it the next day. That takes a lot of self-control on your part, but in the end, to me, it's self-care and self-love because I need that space. I'm pretty 50/50 as far as extrovert and introvert, but I need that introverted space to just be me and do me and not talk to other people. So I think that's a big kind of thing that I had to learn the hard way to do for myself, but that has helped me be a better friend because I'm taking that time I need— sorry, I'm touching the mic— taking the time I need to recharge and be me. And sometimes I might need the whole day. So if somebody's like, hey, I need to talk, I'll be like, you know what, I'm not available right now. I need to recharge myself. When I'm ready, I will totally talk to you. I think a lot of times we think people will get mad at us or judge us or whatever, right? But here's the thing, we're all adults. We all got a zillion things going on in our lives. Most people have children, jobs, appointments. It's harder as an adult to find that time to be together as friends. And we'll get into that in a little bit. But to me, the first step is creating your own boundaries. Like, what am I willing to do? What am I not willing to do? Another thing I want to talk about is just the golden rule. Treat others how you want to be treated. I've been the type of person that would always text back right away. Because that's how I wanted people to treat me. I wanted that acknowledgement. But now that it's kind of shifted for me, I— to me, I realize that's a form of people pleasing and a past, like, kind of behavior. So my— I'm not saying that's wrong. I'm just saying for me personally, that was an issue I had to address in myself and kind of use self-control and self-love to— like, right now I have people messaging me on my phone. I've hidden my phone. Let me hide it a little better because I want to focus on this video. I don't want to be editing all my texting out, and there's really no need. When I'm ready, when I'm available Like after this video, I will check my phone and check the messages, right? So treat others how you want to be treated. Respect their time. To me, those kind of go together. We all got different things going on. And yeah, it might be annoying if I need to talk and my friend's not available. But to me, that just means, okay, then I need— there needs to be something else. Maybe I need to talk to someone else. 'Or I need to go inward,' or something like this, right? Especially if you're recovering from trauma around friendship, you get to decide who you're friends with, okay? A lot of times, especially as an introvert and kind of a quiet person, when I don't know people, I'm, I'm very like a wallflower. I just observe and kind of collect information until I'm ready. Unless I'm drinking, then I'm mean. But we don't have to be friends with everybody who wants to be our friend. This has been an issue my whole life. I will have people that call me their best friend, but to me they're not. They're just a friend. They're not my best friend. So that's always made me feel a little awkward. Um, because I'm— I realize I have an energy people relate to. I, I have a good vibe, and that's a wonderful thing, but it also means I attract people that maybe I don't really want to hang out with, or maybe they complain too much, or they're self-centered, or something that bothers me, right? It's so— to me, it's just like dating. You want to be picky. You want to have a high standard, okay? And I have that with my friendships now. I, I pick and choose who I want to be friends with. I get a lot of friend requests on Facebook, and at first I think I even have a video where I just told you I was just adding people, but that didn't really work. It worked in that moment. And I met some cool people. But on the flip side, I'm opening up myself and my energy to a bunch of people that maybe I don't actually want in my energy. So in my mind, I'm like, but Joy, I don't have any friends. I would just take anybody. You know what? That's where you are. That's where you are. But I would challenge you to be picky about it. And detailed. And if you want to manifest friends, think of it as, as like a dating partner. Who do you want to date? Who do you want to be your friend? I want people who are encouraging, uplifting, will listen to me, because I'm more of a listener myself. It's very easy for me to fall into that mode where I just listen to other people and I don't talk, and then we'll spend like 2 hours and I've said maybe 10 minutes worth of things, and they were all related to that other person. And that's, that's fine in a way, but in another way it's not. I ideally like friendships where it's a back and forth and it's not just me giving them advice or anything, because then it feels more like I'm coaching or I'm teaching or something. And there's time and place for that, but in general I appreciate a back and forth dialogue. That obviously took me a bit to kind of understand that that's what I wanted. And when you select your friends, think about what you want them to do. What, what do you want them to be like? They don't— like, I'm a writer, right? Like, I don't need all my friends to be writers. I don't need them to have the same interests, but I need that respect. I need that back and forth. And to be there for each other. Yeah, having friends as an adult, um, can be really hard, and I've gone a good portion of my adult life so far with literally no friends. So I've done it without friends and I've done it with friends, and I can honestly say I enjoy it with friends. It's, it's really nice to have people in your life that you can talk to about all sorts of things. For me, it's spiritual things. Like, I see crazy cool shit when I meditate, right? I want friends that I can talk to about that, that don't laugh at me or make fun of me or push it aside or ridicule, right? That's not the support I want. I think who you share your energy with and whose energy you let into your own key. That is key. Be mindful of who you be, who you let in, and who become your friends. And even if you don't have any friends right now and you're like, I really just want to make some friends, it's still beneficial to you to keep those boundaries. Practice that self-care whether you have friends or not, because you're still probably checking Facebook or Instagram or TikTok or whatever. Still get into that motion or that line of thinking. Another thing about having friends as an adult is there's no like school or anything where we meet each other. So I've always had like my work friends, my boyfriend's friends, my high school friends, like all these little groups. But since I've Um, I work for myself now. This is the office. This is where it all takes place, and it's only me. Oh, here she is. And my little cat. Cutie's sleeping somewhere else today. So it's like I don't really have work friends. My husband's office is behind that wall. He's by himself. If anything, he's my work friend. We both work at home. So how do you meet people? How do you meet people as an adult for friendship, not like dating? When I lived in America, I tried volunteering. I had some extra time. I volunteered because I was like, well, obviously that's a good thing to do, right? And maybe I'll meet other volunteers and become friends with them. Now, because of my own blocks, you can listen to that video from last week. I didn't really work, but to me it was a great idea. And if you're ready and you're open, put yourself out there. There's a website called Meetup. Go find Meetup. Now, in the age of COVID like we're living in, it's all been done online, right? So find Facebook groups. Of your interests. Um, like for example, I live in Colombia, I live in Bogotá. I don't really speak Spanish very well, not enough to have a level of friendship I want because I can't communicate that well in Spanish. So I'm in several expat groups specifically for Bogotá. Some are for women, some are for everybody. And through that, I've gone to different events. I have a weekly group where we just play board games, and it is perfect for me to be around other Americans and other expats speaking in English as fast as I want, using all the idioms I want, and doing American things, drinking, having fun. If we don't really talk about spirituality, it's a whole other friend group, but it— I get a lot out of it. It enriches me to go to that, and I've met really cool people from it, from all different walks of life. So yeah, you kind of have to put yourself out there, just like when we were kids, you know. You still have to kind of go to things and do things And it can be intimidating at first. I don't think anybody fully enjoys being like the new person, but you're only the new person for a day or until the next person shows up, right? I mean, you can always not go back if you didn't like it. There's so many options, you guys. Like, find— like, as a writer, last week I talked about, and even earlier, volunteering with Write Around Portland. But I also joined like a writer's group. I can't remember the name, but they had monthly meetings in this cool church in downtown Portland, and I would go to those. Every time I went, I would sit by myself, right, because I had no friends at the time. And we're gonna listen to like a published author or an editor, literary agent speak, and talk to us about writing and different things in the writing space. Every time I would end up next to typically a lady or a girl, and her and I would start talking. And I did develop friendships out of that. And we exchanged emails and like Facebooks or whatever. Just from going and sitting there, I probably, knowing me, did not initiate the conversation. They did, but it worked. All I had to do for me was show up. And sometimes, especially when I was a newbie, right, the first time we got there a little early, I couldn't figure out— the door was locked and I couldn't figure out how to get inside. Somebody else showed up, it was their first time, and we laughed about it and we joked, and eventually we figured out how to get inside. But I was like, just being there, I made a friend, or at least an acquaintance. We obviously know we have writing in common. So to me, these are great starting places if you're not sure how to make friends or you want to expand your friend bubble outside of work. If you have a work friend, make them a non-work friend. Invite them out for coffee or a beer or whatever. Right? Or over to your house, throw a party, get to know them. It's all possible, guys. And this really is the time energetically that we're all connecting and becoming friends. So if this is an area you need healing, know that, dude, gal, you got this, okay? Take that leap of faith out of that comfort zone. And then just kind of watch the magic happen. Oh yeah. But to go back to that first point, don't forget to set those boundaries and like your ideal friend list— who you want, what you want in a friend, what, what they bring to the table, and how you interact with them. Because I can honestly say, after years of not really having any friends Having friends now, big shift. Big shift. So big. Why? What? How does— how— what's changed, right? Let me talk about that for a second. So how has it changed from going from no friends except for like maybe the boyfriend and the husband or whatever to I haven't even counted. We'll just say like 15 friends, probably more. Meh, let's say 25. I mean, I have a lot of friends now, like a lot. I'm not saying that in a braggy way. I'm just saying like it's crazy to me to go from zero or like one to like 25, maybe 30. I really don't know. I really shouldn't count them. I'm learning to express myself more. And be vulnerable. Like, I use Telegram. I have a few groups of friends on Telegram. And like yesterday I did my taxes and I was really down because as an entrepreneur I typically have to pay versus getting a refund. So obviously nobody wants to know how much they have to pay, right? And I talked about this more on my live energy report, so I'll tag that too. It was, um, I had friends there though, and I was just— I messaged them and I was like, man, I'm feeling a little down about doing these taxes and I don't really like this energy. That's all I said. I got so much encouragement sent to me. People sending me like ways to incorporate abundance. You guys, I only stayed in that worry energy for maybe an hour, probably like 45 minutes, and then I was right out of it. I was out of it. It's taken care of, right? Like Source has me I'm good. I'm not in that energy of worry. But having those friends there to just kind of remind me, ooh, what a gift. And it's— to me, it feels like a gift I gave myself because I've put myself out there and I've created these relationships. And I do the same for them when I have a friend who's sick. So I sent her energy and encouragement, right? And it's just so beautiful to connect. And I think when you're with like the one friend or your partner and there's no outside friends, you can function. I mean, it's fine, but you're missing out on a lot of connection. You're missing out on community is essentially what you're missing out on, is community. And this is, for me, the age of building communities. And once you join a community that you're truly meant to be in, and you're serving other people energetically with your encouragement, with your time, it showers blessings back onto you. And I'm not saying just have friends so you can have blessings or whatever, or you can talk to people, but you're building a community, which is pretty freaking amazing. I think so. And I'm just all for it. So if you're like, Joy, I'm still not sure, I don't really have a lot of friends, guess what? I got a community and you can join me. I have a Facebook group, I have a Discord. Guys, I got it all. I think I've gone a little overboard here, but find me in these places. All my links are down below. You can like take that step, you know. I'm challenging you. If you're like, I really want to make friends but I'm not sure, just join my Facebook group. I don't post on it every day like I should, but I'm there and you can message me. Be like, what other places can I look? And I'll send you some cool places. Okay. There's plenty of people out there, not just me. Plenty of people. Just like money is abundant, friends are abundant. Yes. Friends are abundant. Just like money, just like energy, just like everything else. And this is the time to build that community. And I really challenge you, if this is speaking to you, to just take an action. You don't have to join my Facebook group. There's plenty out there. Find one more active than mine, but do it. Just take that first step. Even if nothing happens, you taking that step, like me joining a volunteer place or going to those writing meetings, even though I didn't really talk to people, I was still taking a step in the right direction. I was still getting myself used to putting myself out there. It took steps, it took energy, it took time. But in the end, not only are you helping yourself grow, but you're going to meet other people along the way and you're going to help them. And you're going to build this community and this energy cycle where you're just giving to each other and receiving from each other. And it is beautiful, you guys. And I wish all of you— I want everybody to have this. So that's kind of it for this video. Um, one other group you can join on Facebook is my cosmic— not just mine, I have two friends I do this with. I have so many friends, they're amazing. Diana and Sheila. And we have a cosmic event meditation group where we meditate on a cosmic event once a month. That group's a little more active than mine. You want to get a real active group, join Diana's Trailblazers of the Universe group. Yeah, I'll put all these links below because I feel like it's really important to join something and to take that step. Like, literally just do this after the video. And I'm not saying this to like get more people in my group. I'm doing this for you, okay? I hope that's coming across because this is your time to build that community or join a community. And I, I literally— it's changed my life and I wanted to change yours. Yeah. What else I got going on? Every Saturday, another group. I lead a group meditation and it is awesome. Now it's on Zoom, so you know, you don't have to show your face. But you don't even have to talk, I guess, or just say, hi, I'm here, let's meditate. But it's a great way, it's a small group to join in even if you don't know how to meditate. Perfectly fine. We do guided meditations which are very easy where you're walked through what you need to do. So it's— you don't even have to know how to meditate, but you can join. And this month March, all the meditations are related to friendship. So perfect, right? You can check them out on YouTube. I'll tag them up there. But do these meditations, join these groups, take these actions. Yes, I love it. I don't want to wake the cat. Okay, so I real quickly, I want to talk about my offerings. And this, you can find everything in my Etsy store. The first big thing I offer is a meditation reading. There's no one else that I'm aware of that does this. What we do is you pick the topic. I have a bunch listed in the Etsy you can choose from, and I create a meditation via your energy to do this, and together we do the meditation. I use my own gifts to pick up on the information, and you do the same. And I would say 10 times out of 10, we pick up on something similar. And it— to me, that's golden right there, because it confirms your own gifts within, within you. Because I believe we are all psychic in different ways, but we all are, and we can all connect. That's a given. It's just a matter of figuring out the process for you, what your gifts are, and trusting them. And this is a journey I've taken myself, and my guides have challenged me to do this for other people. And so that's what I'm doing, and I freaking love it. Like, last year at this time, I wouldn't think this at all, but now it's my favorite thing because I want to kind of empower you and show you that you can do this too. I also offer personalized meditations. So once again, I just connect with your energy, ask your guides, they send me an image, I create a meditation on it. Plenty of topics, check it out. There's some pre-recorded ones there too. So that's what I got going on. If you really, really, really just need more than like one reading, I would suggest my Inner Explorers which is a one-on-one. We would meet 3 times a month, do one of these readings. The rest, we're just talking through it, figuring out what's working for you, what's not. I give you homework, I give you more personalized meditations to use, and we just really dive. This is meant to accelerate your growth. You're gonna do this work on your own, but if you want to like you know, take the fast track, if you want to just accelerate it, kind of quantum jump there, then this is the program for you. And I, I only have a few slots, so if this is something that is really resonating, please reach out to me. You can go to my website and do the contact. It's all right there. And I would love to support you and help you accelerate this growth because I really wish I would have done this for myself back in the day. And I'm so like humbled and honored to be able to doing this for others. So that's what I got going on, guys. I love you all so much. Thank you for joining me today. Please take the step. If you need friends, join a group, do something. You got this. I love you. Namaste.
