Shedding Identities & Voices

All right, we are here on the Astronaut of Light podcast. Usharthi. And I am so excited to have you here. You have no idea. Actually, you probably do, but I'm going to let you talk for a minute and just tell everybody who you are, what you do, all those beautiful things.

Wow. Thank you. Thank you so, so much for inviting. First of all, it just happened so randomly. All of a sudden, um, and like the best things happen, right? Oh gosh, it's been— the last two days have been beautiful. So thank you for that experience and just sharing your presence and your energy. It means so, so much joy. Um, so those who are listening, hey everyone, I'm Shruti, uh, Shruti Vidya Sundaram, and I'm a Soul Work Facilitator. Finally got the name for what I do because it was just so hard to find words to it because of the depth and nuances. So I work with highly sensitive spiritual souls who— to really shed the layers of guilt, shame, fear, um, a lot of identities and voices, exactly as the podcast is named, that do not belong in our lifetime, in this lifetime anymore, so that we can really step into our power and feel safe in our body and feel inside infiniteness and the abundance in our being. So that's the work that I do in— when I work with people. Yeah.

Um, beautiful.

It's the first time I'm— after I finished all the website and all that stuff, it's the first time I'm explaining what I do to someone, and it feels— gosh, it feels amazing.

Thank you. I'm honored. No, what a privilege. And I've definitely dove into the unspoken selves, which we'll get to later. But I can tell that this was a lived experience for you too, right? It's not just— this is not just talk. It was lived, right? And that's a big distinction in spirituality. So do you mind sharing a little bit of your story of, like, how you got on this path to really work with these specific areas?

I think more than me getting on this path, it was— I was just thinking on this, the path shows you, yeah, yeah, the path shows me sort of thing. So about 2 and a half years back, I can't believe it's just been 2 and a half years because it feels like lifetimes. Um, it felt like life changed in one day, in one afternoon. Um, I was still, you know, I was still in the phase of tapping into my emotions and understanding. I had just quit my job about a year and a half back, and I was in the self-improvement phase, as people call it, you know, taking therapy and really working through different aspects of myself. I was more in the fixing mode. I guess, and reading about all these productivity systems and self-improvement and a very washed form of manifestation, to be honest. That's all my introduction was. And in one afternoon, I just woke up from an afternoon nap and I had a vision of the Varaha avatar of Vishnu. Who is one of the Trinity gods in Hinduism. And life changed after that because I suddenly started having these knowings. So when I say that I see colors or I know things from people, I don't really see colors or see things or hear things as other people you know, usually experience. For me, it hits me in the chest, like in the gut, um, and it's, it's a deep, intense knowing. Like, I don't know what other word to put to it. Um, I started knowing things, um, started seeing visions, um, went into trance states. Without even knowing that it was a trance state. Like, I used to just go in that state and then come out and probably not remember the full thing of what I said, and I would just pass out for hours. It was— the journey has been like quantum leaping after quantum leaping after quantum leaping. Like, now I find the word for it, but at that time I didn't know. It was called quantum leaping. Yeah, um, just, just shedding at a massive rate, like at an exponential rate. Um, I— there was a phase where the universe literally shut down my thriving, uh, business coaching business in a week, and it just forced me to rest. Yeah, I was like working with a full roster of clients, everyone stopped within a week, and I fought for about 2-3 months, and then the universe was like, hey, I don't think you're really listening. And then she just put me in bed rest, okay, for like— I was sick for a good 1 and a half months, and I was not able to move. And going through phases of shedding even in the physical, uh, being, like my weight shedding, me getting white hair, a day of 26 or something. Um, shedding hair, like at a point I lost like 70% of my hair just randomly within 2 weeks. Wow. Yeah, and it's, it's just been these— and it grew back within a month, which is also very weird. Yeah, yeah, don't even get me started. Like it's been, it's been one thing after another, and then entering into shamanism, remembering— so like when I was doing business coaching with people, and please let me know if I'm just going all around the place, okay?

You're okay.

When I was doing business coaching with people, I was sitting with a client one day and randomly there was a knowing/voice inside saying, just guide her, just ask her if she is ready to be guided into a meditation and a visualization. And I'm like, what, why, how, and what the hell's going on? And the voice was like, you'll know what to do, just go in. And she accepted and That was my first healing session, as we call it. I don't like to use the word healing, but healing session for a better context. And it's been like the souls pushed me to do something, and then I have received validation after taking the action. And because of that, the trust understand, or faith and belief has just built up over time.

Um, can we dig in a little? Like, yeah, yeah, and just go ahead, we kind of zoom in, uh, because I think that's a big step a lot of people maybe struggle with, right? Um, you see the threshold But there is a trust and like a leap of faith to cross it. Like you don't really know what's on the other side. You know it's good and better, right? But how that will take shape, it's all up in the air, right? How do you, how do you experience that and see that?

Um, so I think I'm just a person who is wired for change personally. Um, for that high five. Yeah, but it is very terrifying, especially when it doesn't make common sense. Like, yeah, like randomly walking on the road and you just know things about people. It's very overwhelming and exhausting. It's beautiful. It's beautiful and miraculous and magical and awe-inspiring, don't get me wrong. But at least in the initial days, you know, like when you don't know whether you have to share it with people, you have to keep it to yourself. Like, why have you been sent this message? In my own path, like, you don't know why I'm being led down this path, if it even makes sense. It made no fucking sense. Just, just go. Just go. Like, what do you mean the business needs to be shut down? Like, what do you mean I have to be— I have to take an 8-month sabbatical and I will be safe? Like, what do you mean? Uh, like, last year I was in the— literally got the message to be on an 8-month sabbatical, and the universe was like, you'll be safe, don't worry. And it was a massive trust experiment for me saying will I be? And I was. Every time I just received it, I don't know how. Like, it would be random payments from here and there, you know, gifts. Or, um, it would be like old clients just paying in. Or it would be— I would have given money to somebody and they would have returned it back. It would be something or the other. Like, it would be massive discounts. Um, on things I want to purchase. Like, it was— I, I don't think I really immersed myself in the trust and belief until last year. Um, the soul literally held my hand and was like, hey, can you just try it as an experiment? Like, one step at a time, I am there with you. Um, I think for most of us, the primary thing is because it is the unknown. Yeah, because we're not sure, the mind sees it as unsafe, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And of course, we have all these beliefs and identities that we have accumulated from lifetimes and this lifetime even. It's, it's just one tiny step at a time. It's just one day at a time, one step at a time. It's not to be something big. When we think of transformations, we think of these massive quantum jumps You know, but we always like that. Yeah, we, we don't realize that it is— it builds up, it compounds over time. Um, today, can you take a decision that would have been different from what your older self would have taken today? Like, just one decision. Tomorrow, can you do that? Day after tomorrow, can you do that? The next day, can you? Um, can you, can you try listening to your heart and your soul in things that does not freak you out first? You know, like just randomly entering a restaurant, like if your soul is just guiding you to do that, can you do that? It's just, it doesn't need to be about the big things like job change or career change or finances or relationships. It can be about the tiny things too, like listening to your body. What do I want to eat today? What's my heart telling me to eat today? It can be as simple as that, and it just builds up over time, and that's how the It's a muscle. Every time someone asks me about trust and surrender, the word that comes up to me is a muscle. It's a muscle.

So I agree. I agree. And it slowly shifts your perception of it all. At least for me, it went from, oh man, this is really, this is really scary. I'm just going to do it. But like, I would have that kind of attitude, not necessarily bad, right? But it'd be like, oh, I don't know, man. I guess I'm just, just going to do it. Just going to do it. And we're going to see what happens. And then, yeah, you're kind of like, you know what? That wasn't really that scary. Yeah, it wasn't really that scary. Now I am all about— I'm a freaking risk taker myself. Like, it is. Yeah, it's in my DNA. It's in my astrology. I live it.

I think my soul signed up for that. I think our soul signed up for that.

Oh, definitely. I adore that about myself, to be honest. But yeah, it eventually over time, just doing it, it becomes fun. At least for me, it's fun. And when I get the nudge, especially if I don't know why, I don't know why I'm doing it.

Yeah.

Now that's the most fun because I'm like, oh, there's a surprise. There's the— where's this going to hit me? I don't know, but I'm going to do it. There, I did it.

Oh boy.

And then I forget all about it. And then of course the surprise will come and I'll see it all kind of like tied in.

It's like, oh, but that's— but that's very fascinating what you said. After you do, you forget all about it. I haven't reached that part yet.

It's good.

It'll come.

Well, talking about the little nudges Right.

Like, yeah, yeah.

Like you said, like, go into the store or say hi to that old man sitting there. Yeah, I don't know why. Yeah, that could be something for him, right? Or just stuff like that. Not that I've ever had a nudge to go say hi to an old man, but it shouldn't come. I would.

Oh, gosh.

I would do it.

Talking to strangers is my favorite thing. Like, I just love that.

Oh my gosh, I'm not that. Like, no, I'm not. They just talk to me and then I'll just talk back, but I don't really initiate myself with strangers anyway. Um, but oh yeah, I wrote down something and it's feeling safe in the body. So, and I know you mentioned you get the nudges, they come, you feel them in your body.

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you think that's a very feminine thing or like a universal thing?

Um, I think, hmm, that's such a great question. I don't think it's a thing. I think it's a universal thing, but it's just that each of us react in different ways, and how the body automatically reacts, we don't observe it enough that we don't understand it enough. Like, for example, yesterday I was seeing a podcast. It was about, you know, manifestation and all that, and he was— the guy was doing a live exercise with the podcaster. The guest was doing a live exercise with the podcaster, and he was rewiring his belief on the spot. And we could clearly see how his body responds to yes and how his body responds to no. We could clearly see it. Everybody, I think, has a unique way of responding to yeses or nos and knowings and how they receive the intuitive guidance. Some people hear stuff, some people see, some people are like, they get visions, right?

Yeah.

And some people, they feel it. It's completely in the body. For some people it's annoying, like me. It's—

I think it's annoying. Oh, annoying.

Yeah, it's annoying. It's annoying. Yeah. I think like it's a million different ways that we respond, and I think it's very unique to us. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, it's very unique to us, and we cannot learn it from someone else. We can just do trial and error and practice.

Yeah, figure out your own dialect with spirit.

Exactly, exactly, exactly. We each have a language. With our, you know, our guides and our intuitive guidance and with the Creator.

I think I've definitely been on a long journey of trusting that, just like you said, the repetition, just doing it over and over, no matter what.

Yeah.

Taking that risk, even if it's when it's small, when it's big. And having done that for probably at least 6 or 7 years now consistently, I think maybe that's why I forget sometimes.

Like, um, yeah, you know, it's so weird. It's so weird because after every quantum leap, like, I do not really remember many parts of my childhood anymore.

Wow, okay.

I don't, or at least the emotion associated with it has completely fallen off. I remember the incidents only if I sit and try to remember them, but otherwise it's— I have to really work hard to remember. It feels like another lifetime. Even like Dashruti like 5 years back, I don't remember, remember her. I've forgotten a lot of aspects about her. So I think it's also about the— as you quantum leap, as you go far further and further away from specific versions of yourself, you know, the, the memories also change.

Well, yeah, I have to reflect on that, on my own memories, because It's more of these little details, right? I can give you a gist where I was at. The little details of like, like I used to have anxiety, real, like I had generalized anxiety disorder. Oh my, yeah, it consumed my mind, right? I was put on medication at some point. I hated that, so I got off of that. I was like, I at least I want to feel some emotion, even if it takes away the anxiety. I still want to feel emotion. And so, yeah, I was actually an atheist at the time, and I went to therapy, and I was just like, I need to deal with this anxiety, and I do not want to be on medication. So like, just tell me what I need to do to like overcome this, because it is like overwhelmingly controlling me, and I am fucking sick of it. And so she's like, okay, let's go. And you know what, working with her for like a year, um, she helped me learn how to find the root of things and to address it there. And then, then she introduced me to meditation as a way to calm my body and my mind. Um, obviously it stuck. Wow. Yeah, but it's Even then it took, even once she's like, Joy, you, you don't need therapy anymore. I was like, if you say so, but, um, cause I really enjoyed it. But, um, eventually I moved and I didn't get a new therapist cause I was like, well, she said I'm good. So, and I feel okay, but there was still some fine tuning to it. Right. I used weed a lot to compensate or self-medicate. And I had a lot of guilt around that, which I know is one of the things in your unspoken selves, right? I had a lot of shame and guilt that I was using weed in that way from my upbringing. And I knew that was why I couldn't dissolve that shame or guilt. So I just lived with it. I just lived with it because I was in this paradox. And it stays. It stays.

Yeah. Yeah.

And it took probably like another 3 years till I was like, fuck it, I got to I, it's time now to address this. Like, I've known it was there, but it's time to address it. And I did. And I just had to take a step back from weed and was just like, I'm gonna go cold turkey. And kind of when I, I think I took maybe a year or two off of it. And then when I, I think it was some holiday, I bought some weed and I didn't have any guilt. Or shame. It wasn't like I had to do some deep ritual or, you know, it was like this without us doing anything. It was more just honoring and living like, let's let me live my life without it. And just doing those other changes in the meantime resulted when I did try it again, it was like, there's no guilt around here. I'm not feeling the shame. Like, This is just fun. This is just fun now. And it was a beautiful experience. But they can also come in big flashes and lots of energy in your body. And it's like, I've totally had those too. They're very profound. Right.

But it's the everyday experiences that—

Yeah.

The everyday magic.

Yeah, that's not— those to me happen once every— there's years between them, right? The big lightning bolt from heaven type of things, right?

Yeah.

I don't know if I would even want to handle that every day. It could take almost a year to fully integrate one of those. Oh, sometimes, right? Like fully. But yeah, every day, those little nudges, whether it's to do something or to look at something, that's to me where the shedding occurs is in that processing. So I guess I view it in layers.

Yeah.

I will look at something, I will dig into it, and I'll feel peace about it. And then months later it might come up again, but I'm at a different angle now and I'm looking at it slightly different and I'm like, oh, I see. Okay, there's still a little bit here and then I'll shed that, right?

You know, one of my friends, Sam Messersmith, on Substack, she once called the healing journey as a maze. And I really liked that, um, comparison because— so she was, um, she, she was doing one of her forest walks and, uh, you know, and I think she was like walking around in circles but she came to the same spot and saw it in a different way, or she had come to the same place after years, you know, and she realized how much she viewed things differently. But I really love the maze analogy because it's like the— it's, it's a maze not in terms of restricting you that you will be just stuck there all your life, not like that. But it's like if you want to compare it to a game, it's like levels of a game, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For me it looks like a spiral. Like you just kind of, you kind of loop at it again, but you're at a different height or octave, however, frequency, whatever you want to say. And that's where the perspective has shifted. Like, it's like a spiral staircase or something. It's like, oh, no, I'm up here now. I can see deeper into this. Or I also, for me, another way to know you're shedding is like when I talk about things in my past, like trauma, I will observe my own reaction. Is this still making me emotional? Can I talk about this as almost like it's separate from me, even though it's not? And I know it's not, but it feels—

but it feels that way, doesn't it? Because it feels like another version of Joy lived through Yeah, but you also know that it was you.

Like, it's, it's this word, especially now I'm like 41. Like, when I think of things in my 20s, obviously it was a long time ago, right? Almost 20 years. And it was like, hmm, like, I know. Yeah, exactly. Like you said, I know I was that woman. Yeah, right. I know. I remember. I do have memories, some memories from those traumatic events or even non-traumatic events. But it was like I I don't identify as that woman anymore, right? I don't have those same beliefs or structure even anymore. Am I still her? She's in there, right? But she's integrated. She's, she's aware of where I'm at now, you know? And then it gets a little, to me, like timey-wimey.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because it's like It's crazy, you know. You know, the biggest shift I noticed after I healed certain parts of myself was that— so before, every time I had those memories, I would see as me doing certain things, me experiencing certain things. But after that, I saw Shruti experiencing certain things, like it was from a third person's point of view. Which is—

we always have that point of view. Yeah. We just don't utilize it or know we can. So I— the way I get a lot of visions, right? And that's part of it. I can be in first person or I can be in observer mode, like third person. And I can just easily switch between the two.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can. A lot of times that happens for people in dreams, right? Or at least daydreams, right?

Yeah.

If you're one of those people, which I totally am, you can switch your point of view. And I tend to favor the observer mode or third person versus first. That's just personal.

Because I I prefer the first person mode because like, for— it's very fascinating that you say this, and I'll tell you why I prefer this, uh, because for years I disassociated with myself and I was constantly looking at everything at third person's mode. And it took me a long time to come into my body and feel my body and know what it means to feel my body. Yeah, because when working with therapy and stuff, they'll be like, oh, can you— what do you feel in your body? And I'm like, what do you mean? Like it was just all blocked and numbed and, you know, dissociated. So it really— so now it's become like a deeper exercise while feeling first person. Like, oh, can I smell? Can I touch? Can I— like in my dreams, I mean, visualizations. Like, can I smell? Can I touch? Can I feel the environment around? Oh, thank you. Just got my dinner. That's it. And it's just been such a gratifying experience to really dig deeper and deeper that, like, for example, I still remember a time, I think 3 years back, I was in a session with someone and she was like, do you know what lemon tastes like, smells like? Like I knew it in my head, but I couldn't smell it. Yeah, but everyone in the room could, you know, and felt off because I knew it existed. Let me just cut the— put it inside it. Yeah, so sorry for that.

Yeah, that's okay.

I knew it existed, but I knew like I couldn't access it, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah. Did you have any like— I know you said you got sick for like a month and a half. I went through a thing where I ended up having surgery on my lower spine, uh, and I had nerve damage and the whole thing, but I think that's I feel like that's almost a part of the journey is to go through some kind of physical—

Yeah.

Experience in some way that feels out of control, right? I was in my mid-30s and here I am using a walker because, you know, this disc is squashing my nerve. But it was weird. I was like, I never would have put this on a bingo card.

Are you okay now?

Oh yeah, I'm okay now. I had surgery and it worked out okay. But it did cause nerve damage and that helped me learn how to tap in, like really sense things in my body. Because I mean, one, I had to kind of relearn to walk with like half— it was my right foot was numb. So, or part of it. So I couldn't, I had to relearn balance. And so, yeah, reusing those muscles because I was bedridden, like you said, it was intense. This is years ago. This is like 2019. So, yeah, but it really helped me feel into my body, feel it, obviously that right leg, but also just learn to map it and like, oh, then when I learned about the chakras that really clicks, right? You're like, this is what it's doing. That's a whole freaking podcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like shamanism changed my life. Shamanism in terms of chakras, they just changed my life.

Well, I guess my curiosity is that, that— did you have any physical thing that helped you connect to your body, or was it just daily practice kind of a thing?

I think two moments of realization come to mind. One is I've always been on the heavier side ever since 5th, 6th grade, something. I've always been on the heavier side. And in college, I was— now looking back at the photos, I was fucking healthy and thin. But in my head I was still the fat kid, you know. And, um, when COVID hit, uh, hey, anxiety, uh, you know, the whole concoction, I end up— ended up putting on 18 kgs of weight in 2 years, 1 and a half, 2 years. And, uh, I used to just constantly eat and eat and eat, and that was like there were a lot of things happening in life and it was a major dissociation. Um, then while taking therapy, uh, my therapist noticed this, saying that, uh, Shruti, you always see yourself in third person. And it just clicked for me. Um, so then, um, I was I started doing exercises where I would just go to the terrace and feel the wind on my skin or listen to the birds, right? Feel the sun on my skin, just sit there and observe the wind on my skin. That's it. That went on for a few months. And then I think one day, just randomly, one night I had a massive meltdown and my husband really came running from the other room. He was like, what's happening? What's happening? And I was like, I don't want to wear black anymore. I want to— because like most of the clothes I had, they were black because they make you look thinner. Um, and it was kind of shrouding myself. I've always covered myself up, um, ever since I can remember. Um, you know, like it was always like, especially like for girls when puberty hits, like I was very uncomfortable with my boobs. And like, I loved running, but it was just a whole thing. Yeah, yeah, like wearing the skirt and all that stuff. And I just was never comfortable with my body ever. And, um, that night I just said, I, I just can't live like this anymore. Like, I, I just can't. Because every time I ordered food Um, I would order food on an impulse, and after the first bite, I would feel so much guilt and shame, and I would still just keep eating and eating and eating to the point where the bills just— like, it was incorrigible. Like, yeah, it was crazy. Um, But that day, I think I decided that I don't want to live like this anymore. And I do not— something happened, like, I, I don't know what caused it. I've stopped questioning it. Um, something happened to say that I'm going to fall in love with my body however it looks like today, and not wait for me to reduce this much weight or look in a certain way to fall in love with my body. Yeah, yeah, that is it.

That is like the best realization. Oh my God, is it not? It's like it takes that perceived burden, just, just— that's a beautiful shedding of that old identity. Oh my God, I love that you said this. Oh my God, yes.

And but that, that's the thing, right? Like it needs to happen in the moment. Like it cannot be forced. You have to You have to go through all the shit, all the crap, and then one day it just hits you, right?

Yeah.

I think that part— falling in love with my body, um, doing random things like staring at the mirror, at myself in the mirror for 5 minutes, which I would have never done before, doing tiny, tiny, tiny things like that. And, uh, last year I think I was working with a mentor, and he was like, first you just put your mind, you know, um, to the forefront, and then your soul came to the forefront. Your body is lifting so much of weight, where are you even considering your body? You're not considering your body. So every single day for about 45 days, I think, he made me write what is your mind saying, what's your body saying, what's your soul saying, every single day. Wow.

See the distinction.

Yeah, to see the distinction. He— I hated it. The first week I hated it, second week I hated it. But, um, like, because when we talk about healing, we, we think it's this massive mumbo jumbo thing, right? And he just made me repeat that one thing every single day for about 45 days.

He—

and he used to check, he used to check my answers. Okay, what's your body saying? What's your soul saying and what's your mind saying. That's all. Whatever comes up, just write.

Yeah.

And that, I think, really exponentially increased my connection with my body.

Oh yeah, I— for me, it was gradual too. It wasn't— it was not a lightning bolt, yeah, from heaven moment. It was— but I had that same realization, like, why in the fuck do I need to wait 'til X, Y, and Z. You just love my body. Like, I did. It was gradual. I didn't have anybody like that telling me to write things down. But for me, it was like, I want to buy clothes that I like.

Yeah.

Yeah. And I only want to spend money on— I don't want to buy a t-shirt because it's cheap. I want to buy, you know, I want— and I was like, I I love my boobs. I really do. So I'm going to wear stuff that shows them and I don't give a fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes.

Right. And it's, it's so small. Like, I'm just going to own this about myself.

Yeah.

And you just do it over and over. Little things like, you know what, I like wearing bright colors. I know I'm not right now, but it's like, I like wearing bright colors. Same.

You know, And after that moment, it feels like confetti has burst in my wardrobe because I started wearing yellow, pink, green, blue, with prints and murals and different checks and whatever possible and imaginable. And I had never worn sleeveless all my life because I used to hit my hand. I was like, fuck this shit. I'm going to wear sleeveless. I'm going to rock it and I'm going to get out. And it's just, oh, it changes things. I'm so happy for you.

Well, I'm happy for you too. I'd rather be on this side of it than the other side. But we did the work, right? It's those little choices that create the shedding. And it— can it happen in a big moment? Yeah. But odds are it's going to happen in the little moments and the choices you make every day. And they just build and they build up on each other until you're just a confident person. You love yourself. And that's just a fact now, right? That's just a fact.

I think it's a journey. It is a journey.

I think it doesn't mean you don't hear the ghosts or echoes of the old voices, right? I actually had another jacket on earlier and I was just like, you know what, this is not the color I like today with the way my hair— like, I was just like, I'm going to change it. I'm going to change it. It was very last minute.

I was—

you could have joined the call at any moment. And I was like, I'm going to go switch it out. Was that an echo? Was it— I'll deal with that later. But they can creep up and then that creates another, like, how are you going to deal with it? Are you going to listen to it? When I hear it, I'm like, okay, is this hitting my body as truth or false? Right? This hits as false. And it feels small. Like it's like, give me attention. Don't you want to feel like me? Remember how shitty this felt? I don't want to feel like that.

Yeah.

But I don't. I'm not mean to it, right? I'm just like, dude, just stay there. Yeah, just think.

Yeah.

Kind of like when you meditate, you just let the thoughts flow in and out. You're not grasping them, right? You don't need to grasp the echo or those. You're like, I remember that, and I'm not going to give you energy anymore.

You know, it's fascinating that you say this. Because I just remembered something. So one of the exercises that I constantly do with my clients is asking, whose voice is it?

Yeah, that's a good one, right?

Whose voice is it? Is it someone in your family, your friend, a previous version of yourself? Every time, whose voice is it? Whose voice is it?

Well, that cuts, it cuts through all the static, right? Goes right to the core. Like, ah, it's this part of me speaking. Well, what, obviously they still want to be heard and seen.

Yeah.

And so it's like, what can I do to honor this part of me? What do they need to hear right now to feel safe, right?

Yeah.

What are they trying to tell me?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. More than, more than us telling things to them. I think many people have told many things to our younger selves. Yeah, but they haven't been heard. So it's just more than us telling, it's, it's listening.

Well, um, especially, um, odds are when you get triggered by especially like another person Odds are it's you. Yeah, it's you. There's— it's one of those voices that's, yeah, it's like, you know, having that trigger. And, uh, you really— it— you can fall into the trap of like, well, you triggered me, so it's your fault, right? You said the thing I, I didn't like hearing, but it's like Ooh, let's just, let's just pause for a second, everybody. Right?

Yeah.

Before we use on people, right?

Yeah.

Hold our horses. Yeah. I'm all about going fast and fiery and stuff, but no, there's, there's pauses. You need to pause.

Yeah.

And be like, is this me? Is this truly, is this a voice of mine? I've had occasions where it actually wasn't. Well, no, it was me. Okay, now I'm getting all confused. No, it's always freaking me.

It's, it's beautiful that you said this because I think there's a very fine line and balance to this because I have been on the side where yes, I've got triggered, but people have genuinely said shitty things and I have not responded back to them. Yeah, you know, I've shunned my voice down because I was just too scared to respond. I didn't know how to respond. So it's that very fine balance, right? So at the end of the day, it's about holding your power in.

Do I—

sometimes people say shitty things and I don't feel the need to respond, right? But sometimes I do. Like, I feel like I need to put my stake there. And sometimes, yes, it triggers. And sometimes, as you said, it is my own triggers. And sometimes it's genuinely the other person being shitty. Like it's so nuanced. It's so layered, isn't it? Like, yeah. And I think that's the most fun part.

Well, usually it's a wounded part of themselves lashing out at you and hitting a wounded part of you. So in that sense, it's both people.

Yeah, exactly.

But we can only— we can only control ourselves. So it's like you can map out why, like, what their issue is.

Yeah.

But it really isn't going to help you if you don't look at your own, right?

Um, I think, I think there's a difference between— oh, so sorry to interrupt. Um, I think there is a difference between empathy and going too deep into other people's wounds. Yeah, it's not ours. Like, I have seen so many people I don't know if we can even call it spiritual bypassing, but like they go so much deep into the other person's wounds that if they have done— like actions have responsibilities, right? If they have genuinely done something wrong, they don't hold them accountable or they keep giving their power away. You know what I mean? Like, again, it's one of the scenarios, it's one of the layers. That I especially see a lot of women do. It's—

Yeah. Well, that's— I guess that's a phase. Hopefully.

Right?

To always want to dig into the other, but you got to invert it. That's where the gold is. Right? Yeah, you can learn a lot about other people, but learning about yourself, that's, that's the real motive of change and, and growth. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, let's talk about what happens when you do shed the false belief. Like we talked about earlier and how you cross it, but you don't always see the plan or what's unfolding, right? It can, it feels veiled a little bit. I know that's my experience. I think some of that's perception and you can, I'm just now learning how to like move my conscious awareness into a higher perspective, so to speak, so I can kind of get like a bird's eye view. But even then, I know I'm not meant to know everything, right? So it's accepting that in a way. Um, so that, that ties back into the trust and faith from all the previous times where, you know, it's going to be different, but it'll be a good different. And yeah, it's going to, it's going to be transforming. In some, in some aspect, if not all. And to me, it's like, yes, please. I'm— but I understand, like, I've been mapping myself on how I— what I noticed for myself is without even realizing it, before I even see the threshold, right, I'm already going through whatever I need to go through. So when I reach that threshold, when I finally I'm ready to take action. That's how it works for me. So I'll just be like, I don't know why this issue is coming up, but okay, I'll deal with it. This is what I'm being presented with by spirit. So I'm going to deal with it. And I will deal with it and whatever else I need. And then the threshold, it's like, hey, look, you want to make this change? Hell yeah, I'll make that change. I don't need a lot of stuff to do that because I've already been working through it. And then I— but I don't think it works that way for everybody. I think some people see the threshold and then they do the work so they can cross. Oh, wow. Really? What do you think? How does it work for you?

I don't think I see thresholds. I see thresholds after I have crossed them. I see, I see like cliff jumps after I've crossed them, which is so weird. Like, I, I think I, I do things because it's very hard to explain. That's who I am. Like, it just comes and goes. And, you know, I'm someone who constantly wants to be like Before, it used to be about fixing myself, um, but now it's not. Now it's about— I have tasted what it feels to be in my power and in my infiniteness and in my abundance and in my divinity, and it's beautiful while being rooted to the earth. Like, it's not like I have tasted this form, like, you know, the, the form of my power and divinity that's, that's completely untethered and just flying off in the universe, and that's fucking scary. But it is like, I've also tasted where I'm completely grounded and rooted to the earth, and it's beautiful. Um, so I think it's— for me, it's just become about returning to that space. Returning to that space in a deeper and deeper level. As you mentioned before, I think with spirals, like, that's my thing right now. Like, if something does happen, okay, hey, probably it's happening for a reason. How do I— it's very hard to put it into words, I think. Like, it sometimes, it feels very normal. Like, it just is. You know. And then I look back, for example, say the last 4 to 5 months, and I say, oh my gosh, so much has happened. But in the day-to-day things, I don't think I realize, um, the massive changes that's happening. Like, even my friends, like, if they talk to me after 2 to 3 weeks, they are like, oh my God, like, why are you like shedding every 2 to 3 weeks? Like, why do you feel different every 2 to 3 weeks? I think it's just become a part of the being.

Yeah, I think at some point—

I think like the process is happening too fast that I don't realize it's happening.

I love that. Yeah, I was telling somebody the other day, it's like you're on a train and you just— everything's just going by fast. Like you could see the platforms and the stops, but the train just keeps going. And like, I want— I am on that train and I want to stay on this train.

Like, but the train is also the slowest train ever. Like, paradoxically. Okay. It's the fastest train ever, slowest train ever. It's just—

Well, we talked about that off camera, right? Like that slow fast.

Yeah.

How it feels, how things can feel so intense. Because to me it's like Another way would be linear time versus liminal space. So linear, linear time, meaning like 3D. We have to go at this. We have— we're in this reality. We have— this is the rate of time.

Just doesn't make sense to me anymore, to be honest.

Well, that's because that's the liminal where it's outside of time and things happen. And that's why it's like you're not the same person every 2 weeks, right? Because you're doing the work in the liminal and then hopping back into linear 3D and like, no, you've— that could have felt like lifetime's worth of work you just did, right? And embodied and incorporated and grounded into your body, into this reality. And to everybody else, it was like 5 minutes. And they're like, whoa, why are you so different? Well, my consciousness was over here doing this. A set of time, I just totally transport myself. So now I'm this. So hi.

You know, that's crazy. You know something, um, really fascinating that I realized a few days back? My face looks very different in 3 years, 3, 4 years. My face has changed. Like, it's, it's so I'm like, I, I can see that that was me, but that's also not me. Like, and I'm still in my 20s, right? My face typically shouldn't change that much, like, if you know what I mean. But it's, but it's shifted a lot. Like, my physical features have changed. Yeah, this is crazy.

It's cool. Yeah, for me, it's very cool. Yeah. Let's see what else. Yeah, really, it's very holistic. Like, you could be focused on your appearance or about accepting of your body, right? But it's going to— they're all a little connected. That might be the focus. But taking those actions is also building trust in the nudges and yourself. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, you're focused on self-love of your body or your personality or whatever, right? But doing those actions also is teaching yourself and your reality, you could say. No, I am worthy of this. No, I am going to buy this jacket. No, I am going to follow this nudge. I am going to eat this or not eat that, or you know what I mean? Yeah.

It's from the tiniest things.

Yeah, they kind of bleed into each other.

Everything's connected. Everything is connected. Oh my God.

Well, we— It's fun to think about, like, is it quantum stuff, entanglement, right? Is it synchronicity? Is it just all of it? It's pretty much all of it, right? And you don't have to know how it all works. It's fun to think about. I love trying to map it out and think about it. And then I'm like, I don't know if I'm right or not. I don't even care. I'm just having fun. I'm just saying, I'm sorry.

Thank you for saying that. Thank you so much for saying that.

Well, oh, I'm a sci-fi nerd, right? I told you that. I love those concepts. I love digging into them. Even if a scientist's saying it, it's like, when I zoom out, I'm just like, we can think we know. We can think we know, but I don't know if we'll ever really truly know. And just have fun with it.

Do we need to know?

No, I think it's just curiosity. We just want to know.

Yeah, exactly. Like, I, I think exactly as you said, right? Like, I am also extremely curious that I really go dive deep into it. But at the end of the day, we don't know if it's true, one. And especially when you go online and on socials and stuff, there's just so much conflicting, seemingly conflicting stuff, which is very overwhelming. And sometimes it all seems very theoretical with big, big words.

Yeah.

And it feels overwhelming and exhausting at times, personally for me. And at a point I was like, okay, why am I even going down the rabbit hole, giving it— I mean, I know I'm a curious person, but until what level? Like, to the point it gives me headaches? Like, okay, just stop. Just live. Just be. You don't have to be in your mind all the time. So like, it's, you know what I mean? It's like that.

I do. I think sometimes I'm able to, sometimes it's play for my mind.

Exactly.

Other times it's, do I want to use this lens to view reality right now? Is this where I want my frame to be with this? Or do I want to shift it? Knowing that it is a belief, and I'm holding it loosely, but it's like, is this how I want to perceive the world? Like this frame? I can swap them out, but is this the leading one? For me, that's another more practical, I guess you could say, reason for wanting to explore consciousness, reality, and all this. Like, how do I want to view reality? Is this a video game? Is that the lens? Am I in the simulation? Is that how I'm going to interact with everything and have this assumption, basically, a knowing assumption that I'm going to navigate this 3D reality like that? Or is this, you know, are we inside of God? Right? Whatever lens you want to put on it, religious or not, science or religion, or none of it, right? Oh, I'm an atheist. This is all nothing. It's all— we're just freaking imagination right here. Whatever, right? Yeah, it's all molecules and there's nothing like— that's your lens. Oh, right. But, um, you get to choose it and you can swap them out. You can play with it. Um, it is fun. I think that's part of life. Right. That's— well, we were talking yesterday about astronaut of life. I mean, that's where I need to take it. Like, this to me is like, that's a cool way to explore life. Like, try it on. No, I don't really like viewing everything as a simulation. It's very, you know, it feels disconnected to me. Now I've seen freaking glitches in the matrix. I've literally seen them. And so I'm like, what do I make of that? Do I have to use this lens now? Like, I don't know. You know, you don't have to make it all make sense.

Yeah.

Well, do we have any other things we want to just point to about identities and voices before we really dive into talking about unspoken selves? Hmm.

Nothing comes to mind as of now, but if some messages want to come through, it will come through.

Yeah, please. Yeah. But no. So Unspoken Selves, what do you— what kind of container do you call it? It's just like a web page, right? But I think you had a name for it in your copy.

So it's, it's a, it's a Notion page. It's, it's a Notion page. Yeah, it's essentially a Notion page which has— I just wanted to keep it simple. Didn't want to complicate it much. And It has 8 identities inside the space, inside the field that we have lived with for lifetimes. Not just this life, but lifetimes that have been passed down to ancestral lineage. Sometimes these identities are a part of us for so long that we don't even know how they came to be and how they existed. And it's become so normal, right? We sometimes box them up, we sometimes shun them, we sometimes judge them. And we just have like this weird relationship with certain identities and voices inside of us. There'll be parts of ourselves that we love or not dislike, and there'll be parts of ourselves that we really judge. And a lot of— many of us might also have many questions about ourselves that we don't have answers to. So I'm hoping that— so I have 8 specific identities inside the space for the divine feminine. It is the divine feminine in each of us, not just for men, right? And inside each of these identities, there are, uh, there's a personal reflection, and then there's a channeled message in the video form and in the text form. And there is an oracle or a tarot card reading, and there is a reflection portal where you can really, really sit with and listen to those identities. The channeled message is to give you the messages, um, that you really need when you shed, you know, like the last third or before you shed the identity. I'm— that's what I see the channeled message as. And, um, the reflection portal as something that you like even if you have shed your mind fights, and sometimes those identities exist inside you for a reason. So the reflection portal acts as a space where you can really listen and witness those identities with unconditional love and either let them go or integrate them inside you. Um, and I After, you know, it's been an almost 3 to 4 month journey, and I know for sure that every single person, every single soul who enters into the space, who is called into the space, they have a message that they have to receive. I would have been petrified to tell this like a few months back, but now I know after all the messages that I've received that the space is much beyond me. It's just come to me. That's the only thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, it's, it's mind-boggling. Um, and every time I receive a message about this, it brings me to tears. So if, if you are free, if you are feeling called to a space like this, then I know you're meant to receive something from this.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I hope, um, what the 8 were, but I did put them in like my own words. Uh, there was unsafe, trust, deep exhaustion.

Yeah.

Yeah. And then I wrote down psychic abilities, but I remember you had a different term for it, but I just, um, there was one about, um, about us being afraid of our own power.

And feeling guilt for using it. There was one about exhaustion. There was one about, um, yeah, business getting stagnant. Um, and, uh, there was— oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm losing track.

Uh, well, I've also wrote down fire and desire. I think fire might have been my own name for one of the ones. Yeah, that was— she wrote down her names for things.

That was one about wrath and fury, about the anger that we have shunned inside all of us, that we're just not letting it come through in its true form.

Well, I'm pulling up now on my phone. Yeah, to the woman who's been suppressing her wrath and fury. That's why I wrote fire.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I love that picture too. I'm so badass. Yeah, I'm feeling that. But no, it's just, oh, I love the way it's easy to navigate. It's all right there. And oh, it's really beautiful. And no, when you sent it to me, I was like, oh, I gotta do this. And like, really work through it because, yeah, even there's always something to uncover. And yeah, you— I felt, at least for me, once I saw what these unspoken selves were, I was like, ah, okay, I definitely have some of that still in me, right, that I want to look at. And it sounds like I could feel the resonance in my body. Yeah. So I was like, okay, let's do it. Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah. I mean, you made it. And hey, if I didn't have felt that, if I didn't feel that, right, then I would know, oh, this isn't for me. And like, that's okay. Right. But no, I felt it. And I was like, I'm going to do this for myself. Right. Just following a nudge. Following the nudge. Following these sensations. Yeah, but of course we're gonna have that link below for everybody and all your other links as well for them to connect with you. But, um, so I feel like you're mainly on Substack and YouTube, right? Yeah.

Uh, YouTube was the place where I hosted my podcast before, but yeah, yeah, yeah, we're both Big Substack lovers.

It's a beautiful thing. Beautiful thing.

They don't fuck up the platform. Like, really, like, fingers crossed. Like, I'm crossing my toes, fingers, like everything I can cross. Please. It's become my home.

I'm flowing with it. I don't really get on Facebook. I don't— I'm pretty sure I'm going to just close those in the next few days, probably. But, um, yeah, I'm okay with that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, um, I'm definitely okay.

That's just me.

But no, it's, uh, it's refreshing to find a social media type platform where it doesn't even feel like social media. Now, sometimes it does, but not constantly. And there's little just bits of golden wisdom, at least if you're on the right algorithm, if you're following the right people, right? It's going to create little wisdom nuggets for you the whole way down. So it's a beautiful space. If you're not on Substack, listener, if you feel that nudge in your body, Go ahead and make an account. You can follow us.

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

We'll add some nuggets to your feed.

Yeah, hopefully, and make you smile.

I think we would. I think we would. We're beautiful people. I'll own it. We are, and it's awesome. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us. Sharing your story. I love hearing it. I adore talking to you. Um, yeah, this was so wonderful. Thank you so much.

This, this really came to me at the right time, and even some of the messages that you shared were the messages that I needed to hear.

Oh.

Um, about many things, right? Like, we just need sometimes to— the other person to affirm things that's been going inside you. Thank you for doing that, and thank you for holding this beautiful, beautiful space for me and for giving a space for unspoken selves. And it really means a lot. Um, just keep being the awesome person you are and keep being the beautiful person you are. Just thank you.