5 Signs Your Boundaries Are Actually Working

But when it's very one sided, it sucks the life out of you and it sucks the life out of that relationship. So when you set more boundaries, relationships feel more balanced, you feel less resentful.

Hey there and welcome to let's Talk about it with Laurie Streeter. A space to talk honestly and get real about mental health, therapy and all things wellness. I'm Laurie, licensed therapist, speaker and your host, here to bring you insights, tools and information you can actually use. What? Whether you're navigating anxiety, healing your relationship with food, or trying to figure out which techniques will work for your life. I'm so glad you're here. Let's dive in and let's talk about it.

Welcome back to another episode of let's Talk about it. We talk a lot about boundaries and what they are and how to set them and how important they are. How do you know if they're working? Like, how do we know if all the boundaries we've said and all the things we're talking about in terms of boundaries, that it's making a difference? Like, it's one of those things that you kind of have a sense if something's working or not. But I think it's important to give some concrete ways to tell if you're like on the right path, right? Because I know, I always like what's going on. Give me some logic. Am I, am I doing the right thing? Am I going in the right direction? I know, I like that. I know a lot of my clients do. And as humans, like we're intellectual creatures and I, I always tell people, like, if I can encourage you to do something, you might listen. But if I explain to you why that thing works or the reason it's going to be good for you or what's happening in the process, we're way more likely to buy into that idea, right? We're way more likely to do the thing because we have some understanding around why it works and how it's going to work for me and what's important about it and what to pay attention to. Like, we like details, we like context. So with boundaries, we talk about them being for us, not for other people. Helping us build self respect. They're important in relationships, they're important at work, they're important in your personal life. They're helping us like show up for us and not just people, please, all the time we, we know this stuff and there's all kinds of kitschy terms around boundaries. But how do we really know they're working? How do we know that we are on the right path. And I want to give you some examples today of what to pay attention to so that, you know, hey, my boundaries are working. They're not working. Here's what I need to watch for. This makes sense for me, all of that. A lot of times we talk about stuff and then we like don't follow through with the rest of the process and what good does that do? So I always try to provide details and context so that you have the information you need to make this stuff work for you. Because that's the important thing is we want to make it work. We want to be happier, healthier, and incrementally, you know, a little better each day. And how do we do that if we don't have all of the information? So really quick, we know, and you've probably heard and been taught. Boundaries aren't for other people, they're for you. We teach people how to treat us. So if we have very porous boundaries, people can take, take, take. And we basically tell them that that's okay. We, when we have boundaries, we tell people, hey, there's something really important over here, please respect it. We teach people how to treat us. So they're not about control, they're not about rules. They're about teaching other people how to treat you because you know that you deserve to be treated well. And when we have porous boundaries, people take advantage of us. So boundaries are about self worth and communicating that self worth to the people around you. Okay, the first sign that boundaries are working, whatever that looks like for you, is that people start respecting your boundaries without you having to over explain. When boundaries are clear and consistent, people kind of adjust. A lot of times when we set boundaries, people like rebel. They have a hard time with that. They're like, well, what do you mean you're not going out on a Saturday? Or what do you mean no? Or what do you mean you can't help me with that. There are going to be people who push back because they're used to you saying yes. They're used to you doing things differently or responding differently. But over time, people who have respect for you will start to respect your boundaries without you having to explain why you're saying no. You know, saying no doesn't turn into a negotiation. People stop pushing you, they stop guilt tripping you. Conversations feel a little lighter and better. It's not because other people changed, it's because you've shifted again. How you're teaching others how to treat you and you're having the self worth and the self respect. And that changes over time. And other people naturally are starting to respect your boundaries. So that first sign is the realization of, wow, people aren't pushing me as much. They're not guilt tripping me. I'm not having to negotiate. When I say no, I don't have to over explain myself. The second sign is that saying no doesn't feel terrifying. So many of us, especially women, it's like no is a complete sentence. It's like, fine, but I still don't want to do it and I still feel like I have to wrap no in a pretty little box before I hand it to someone. Or I feel like I have to say no and, and then explain something, going back to that over explaining. But when you learn to set boundaries, you can say no. And even if you do provide a little padding around it and provide some context, it doesn't feel so scary. So you stop following up with apologies or long explanations. Again, you can provide some context. But a lot of times we over explain. We, we over apologize. And now when your boundaries are starting to be respected and they're working, you trust that I'm going to say no and this person may be disappointed and they're still going to like me. And if they don't, well, that's a whole nother conversation. So saying no starts to feel okay. It starts to feel better. It's not something that like you need to recover from. I know a lot of times when I've learned to set boundaries and say no or be a little more direct, I can do it kindly. But even when I do it kindly, it's been terrifying. I can't tell you how many times I've had to send an email and my husband is like, just hit send. And I'm like, I can't do it, I can't do it. And he's like, lor his send, send the email. And even though I've said it in a kind way, it's still terrifying to give that person a direct answer or say no or whatever it might be. So your boundaries, the second sign is that they're becoming more part of who you are is that saying no and setting those boundaries doesn't feel absolutely terrifying. And it's not like the horrifying experience that it maybe was. The third sign, and this kind of goes along with that, is that you generally feel a little less anxious and a little less overwhelmed when your life isn't full of obligations and things you don't even want to be doing. You anxiety tends to Lessen. You no longer feel like you're running on empty. You're not micromanaging everyone around you because you feel responsible for everyone else's emotions and feelings and schedules and expectations. And I got to keep everyone happy. Like, you're just like burning the candle at both ends. So when you start to set boundaries and they're working, they can help regulate your energy, they can help build your capacity. And when you have more capacity, you tend to have more confidence. And when you have more confidence, you feel less anxious and less overwhelmed. So if you are realizing that as you set boundaries, even though that in and of itself can be like anxiety provoking, over time, it is going to help lessen that anxiety. And the fourth sign is that your relationships become more balanced. I know a lot of women feel like they struggle with the reciprocity in relationships. And I'm okay with being a giver, wanting to be super loyal, wanting to be there for people, wanting to be the person who checks in and stuff like that. Like it's okay to be more of what Gary Vee calls 5149, right? The person who just does a little more because that's your personality, that's fine. But when it's very one sided, it sucks the life out of you and it sucks the life out of that relationship. So when you set more boundaries, relationships feel more balanced, you feel less resentful, relationships become healthier for you and that other person. You feel less drained and less like, invisible. A lot of times when relationships are very one sided, you feel undervalued and underappreciated and invisible in the relationship that you're in. So the people around you, they contribute more, they notice more, they show up for you more because the boundaries aren't pushing them away. They're making space for people to show up for you differently. But then it also might make space for other people, new people, different people to come into your life when you're saying yes to everything else. And again, you're resentful and you don't even want to be with that person or spend time with that person or do that thing. You don't have space, you don't have capacity for other things or new things. So when you set boundaries, things become more balanced. But then it also creates the space for new people and new experiences and new relationships. And the last one is that you advocate for your needs without apologizing. So you start like speaking up without practicing the script beforehand. Again, this goes with the horrifying experience that setting boundaries and Saying no and shifting kind of how you address people. How horrifying it can be when you are able to start speaking up, like a little off the cuff, you can do it like faster and a little smoother and you stop playing small to make other people comfortable. And this isn't about like being an asshole. You're not setting out to set boundaries to be like, f you people like, no, that's not what it's about. We. When you show up for yourself though, and you have self worth and self respect, other people then are going to show up differently for you. Again, you teach people how to treat you. So if you are trying to figure out if your boundaries are working, one of those signs is that you can start to advocate for your needs without those over apologizing tendencies. You can ask for clarity and time and space without guilt. You stop, like I said, over explaining and over apologizing and you communicate with other people like your needs matter too. Someone else might be like, hey, I really need to do this or I need this or can you do this for me? Or whatever it might be. And you're like, wow, they really take advantage of me. Or they really just always say what they need. We know those people in our lives and sure some of them are maybe forceful or they're doing it in a note kind way, but you can do this in a kind way and advocate for your needs and advocate for yourself without feeling terrified, without over apologizing, without over explaining yourself. So when you start to be able to do that and you advocate for yourself, even if it's a little like, oh my God, I can't believe I just did that, that is a sign that you are practicing and your boundaries are quote unquote working. Like, these are all good signs. You gotta remember that boundaries help you show up differently. They help you show up differently for yourself in relationships, for other people. They literally help you feel more confident. You stand taller when you have boundaries, when you're not shrinking to other people, when you're not just trying to make sure everybody else is happy and everybody else's needs come before yours. Like you can take care of people. You can be someone who's a little more passive. But when it comes down to the get down, can you advocate for yourself? Can you set boundaries? Can you believe that you are worth XYZ or that you have self respect? That's what boundaries are for. You want to teach people how to treat you. And if you are in relationships that you don't feel like there's reciprocity or you don't feel like you're being treated well. Part of that is probably due to not having great boundaries. So they help you feel more like you and work on healthier relationships and they give you back that time and that space and energy and your voice. Boundaries are not about controlling other people. They're about you reclaiming your own life. And even if you're listening to those five signs and you're like, ooh, that kind of feels like me right now, it's a sign they're working. Keep going. These signs are, are really good indicators that you're on the right track. So pay attention to that stuff. As always, send me a message on Instagram, let me know what you thought. I love to hear how your boundaries are going, how you're practicing this, how you're showing up in your daily life and your relationships and especially your relationship with yourself. I love to hear how you are implementing all of this and what you're getting out of it. Until next time, take care of yourself. Thanks for hanging out with me today on let's Talk about it with Laurie Streeter. If this episode resonated with you, it would mean so much if you'd leave a five star review, share it with a friend, or come say hi on Instagram loristreeter. Your support will help this podcast grow and I so appreciate you being here today. I want to help people just like you feel like they're not alone and gain the tools they need to grow. Until next time, take care.