Why Rest Feels Scary and Why Women Have a Hard Time Slowing Down

For many women, calm feels terrifying. Not because they're weak, but because their identity patterns are deeply wired to accomplishment. Their worth is extremely tied to their output, to what they're accomplishing. Hey there, and welcome to let's Talk about it with Laurie Streeter. A space to talk honestly and get real about mental health, therapy, and all things wellness. I'm Lori, licensed therapist, speaker, and your host, here to bring you insights, tools, and information you can actually use, whether you're navigating anxiety, healing your relationship with food, or trying to figure out which techniques will work for your life. I'm so glad you're here. Let's dive in and let's talk about it. Welcome back to let's Talk About It. We are going to dive in today to this idea of a fear of slowing down. Because so many women I work with have an internal struggle that if they slow down, if they pull the arrow back, it won't go forward. If they slow down, everything around them will stop or everything around them will fall apart. So we have this idea that when we finally stop running at a breakneck pace, that life will crumble, that something bad will happen. So the theme today is learning that stillness and rest and calm is a strength and it's not a threat. And yes, there are times in life that require you to move a little faster, that require you to work a little harder, but you can't do that 24 7, 365. So on the days you need to rest or in those seasons that are a little slower, teaching yourself that it's okay and it's safe is an incredibly important part of the process. I can't tell you how many people over the years have told me how wildly uncomfortable they are when things get quiet or when they're alone with their thoughts, much less when they have to slow down in life. They're so go, go, go, do, do, do, because they'd rather not be still, they'd rather not be quiet, they'd rather not deal with boredom, they'd rather not deal with the discomfort that comes with rest and slowing down. So they keep pushing, and that inevitably creates burnout on the other end. So I want you to understand why rest feels so foreign. And sometimes it feels unsafe again. It feels like threatening, like something bad's gonna happen. And I want to teach you to trust the stillness and that it's a powerful part of being able to live with intention. If the thought of taking a break makes you really anxious, you've probably conditioned yourself to avoid the quiet, to avoid this Stillness. And so a lot of women are terrified again of slowing down. And because somewhere inside they're not only uncomfortable with the quiet or feel uncomfortable sitting still, but they really believe everything will fall apart if they stop moving. If they stop, go, go, going. If they stop, do, do, doing. So let's go through three reasons why stillness might feel scary to you. Huge piece of it is that your nervous system has gotten addicted to urgency and stress and hyper vigilance and constant motion. Whether it's motion in your life, constantly having a goal, moving the goalpost, or literal physical motion and movement. Many high achieving women and people who struggle with anxiety have lived in a state of urgency for so long, it becomes familiar. It almost even becomes comforting to them to keep going and doing. And so the brain learns to like, associate productivity with and pressure and go, go, go with accomplishment. And while that makes sense when you slow down, the nervous system interprets that absence of stress as danger, as problematic, as something to be afraid of. So instead of saying, oh, I'm resting, your body thinks, oh my God, something is wrong, why aren't you doing more? And then you have this internal battle of I need a break, I need to sit down, but I literally feel like I can't. So this is why stillness can feel so uncomfortable. This is why rest creates so much anxiety for people. Not because you're failing, but because like your baseline has been trained for decades to be in a place it doesn't need to be, or you haven't implemented rest intentionally so that you can come down from the those more stressful moments in an intentional way. The second reason that stillness and rest feel so uncomfortable is, and especially for women, right? Men deal with this too. But because I work with a lot of women, this is kind of what I'm speaking to, is that we have this fear of losing identity or relevance. And if you own your own business like I do, if I slow down, that's a potential that I could lose a client, or if I'm not posting on social media, that I'm not continuing to build the credibility behind my name and my reputation. So while there are some facts to not just being able to disappear completely, I also personally have had to train myself that I can go on a vacation, I can take a week off of work like I do twice a year. It's not typical. It's not as much as if I had a regular corporate job and time off, but I now take a week off in the summer and I take a week off around Christmas. And, and I am very Present with my family. You know, we go on a road trip, and I try to be very intentional with that time so that I can rest and enjoy it. And so when you've been living life on being reliable and capable and uber responsive, the one who gets things done, slowing down does feel like a threat to your identity, because who would you be if you weren't the doer, if you weren't the fixer? What would happen to your business if you slowed down or stepped back or took time off? And so, again, depending on what you do, this might be a little more accessible to you. But there is a place for rest. And if I don't ever rest, I'm no good to my clients, I'm no good to my family, and I'm no good to myself. So there has to be a place for it. Let me know if any of these three statements I hear a lot from clients resonate with you. If I slow down, everything will fall apart. People will think I'm slacking. Who am I if I'm not achieving? Again, very much appealing to that scary feeling of slowing down, but also that identity piece that we have when it comes to stepping back, when it comes to taking a break. And so over time, you develop a belief that your worth is tied to your output. And this is something I see all the time with my clients. For many women, calm feels terrifying. Not because they're weak, but because their identity patterns are deeply wired to accomplishment. Their worth is extremely strongly tied to their output, to what they're accomplishing, to whether or not they achieve their goals. So if that sounds like you, this might be something you need to take a look at. And the third reason that stillness and rest and slowing down can feel so wildly uncomfortable is that rest equals weakness. I kind of mentioned this in the last point. So many women grew up around messaging that praised overworking, and they saw rest as laziness. I can't sit down. I have to achieve this thing. My parents put pressure on me. I need to climb the ladder. I need to make more money, whatever it is. So we have messages that we've grown up with, but then as adults, these things are a lot of times reinforced. Even more so growing up with parents who had high expectations, or we've developed these habits and these patterns along the way somewhere. Maybe a high pressure job, like I said, or a toxic relationship. A lot of times toxic relationships put pressure on us unnecessarily or other circumstances that maybe reinforce this way of being. So rest also tends to be framed as, like, optional or indulgent or something you can only do after you've totally depleted yourself. Rest almost becomes this thing that's like a last resort because it's all you have left because you can't push anymore, because you're so burnt out, because you're so exhausted. So the truth is that rest is needed, right? It's biologically necessary and it's crucial to your well being. Women who treat rest as a weakness eventually hit a wall and probably after they've been running on fumes for a while. So everybody has their level of tolerance. What I can tolerate might be different than what you can tolerate and vice versa. You have to know what your tolerance level is. But a lot of women who get to the point where they're burnt out and exhausted, they've been doing that for a while. This usually doesn't happen overnight, and there are usually signs. So you have to know that slowing down isn't the opposite of success. It's the thing that sustains it. If rest feels uncomfortable, it's usually a sign that your nervous system is stuck in survival mode. And survival mode is meant to be temporary. It's not something that we're meant to live in. So we need to address this and learn to rest. And you can use those things, if you resonate with any of them, to start to practice resting and taking a break and being still and sitting with your thoughts. Because again, a big part of this is also this desire to not be still because people are so uncomfortable with their thoughts. So if any of this resonated with you, I highly encourage you to start to try to make rest and stillness and address the discomfort of slowing down as part of your regular life. Because again, you're going to be able to go further. If you can implement rest, if you can implement slowing down a little bit, I want to leave you with a little thought because you might be listening to this thinking, I don't have time to take a nap. I don't have time to go to bed earlier to rest more. Lori like, what are you talking about? I'm a busy person. Here's my solution to that. Move slower. Do things more intentionally. When you go to get in your car, when you go to get out of your car, sit for 20 seconds, take a breath, start to implement rest in a way that actually feels accessible. So often, if this is you and now, hopefully you will notice you are go, go, go, hurry. From one location to another, you're always frantic, you're always in a rush, even putting laundry away, you're probably moving quickly. Slow down if you can. Take 30 extra seconds. Brushing your teeth, do your skin care a little slower, take an extra minute in the shower. Do things that implement rest through your day that almost create little micro recovery moments that take an extra 10, 30, 60 seconds and help you start to address how I am constantly going, I am frantic. I'm always in a hurry from point A to point B. So start to raise your awareness around this and, and put in little pieces of rest so that maybe eventually you can go to bed earlier one night a week or you can lay down on the couch and watch TV without feeling like you have to get up every six minutes because something around the house needs to be done. All of this stuff is very common and if it's resonating with you, we don't have to go from where you're at now to slowing down your entire life or totally pulling back or taking a month off of work. We want to implement rest in an intentional way so that you can use little micro recovery moments to slow down to teach your nervous system that stillness is okay. As always, let me know your thoughts. Let me know if this resonates with you. I know so many people struggle with this and that nervous system regulation is super important. But this idea that rest is scary or dangerous or everything's gonna fall apart is so, so common. And we need to dispel that myth and work on doing things to teach ourselves that stillness is okay. Quiet is okay. Rest is okay. Until next time, take care. Thanks for hanging out with me today on let's Talk about it with Laurie Streeter. If this episode resonated with you, it would mean so much if you'd leave a five star review, share it with a friend, or come say hi on Instagram loristreeter. Your support will help this podcast grow and I so appreciate you being here today. I want to help people just like you feel like they're not alone and gain the tools they need to grow. Until next time, take care.